Okay, this is an experiment. I had lunch last week with fellow blogger, Lee Goldberg and we were talking about people finding our sites via search engines. He said he once just listed the most searched for items and got a ton more hits that day. So for fun, I thought I’d do the same thing. But to put a spin on it, I’ve decided to weave them all into a little narrative. Let’s see what happens. And if you’re reading this because you searched for “Bonnie Bernstein nude” or “Lindsay Lohan nipples”, don’t you feel stupid?
Nikki Cox stared at her breasts, preparing to join Jessica Simpson and Darrent Williams at the Saddam Hanging. Jessica, a staunch “Windows” defender, turned on her Dell computer with the Intel chip and went right to her MySpace page where she added new friends Orlando Bloom, Martina Hingis, Beyonce, Barry Bonds, Barack Obama, and Jessica Alba (who posed in Playboy naked and drives a Ferrari).
Angelina Jolie stopped by with Brad Pitt (who she has nicknamed “bebo”), both horny, having come from a sex orgy, which was really a charity benefit for autism and cancer. Of course Paris Hilton was there (raving about Metacafe which she discovered on Wikipedia and Radioblog.) as was Shakira who appeared just last night on American Idol where she caught Paula Abdul giving a blowjob to Chris Daugherty. It was quite a scandal but nothing like the Duke Lacrosse Rape Scandal, or the pictures of Britney Spears’ vagina.
Then Penelope Cruz put her "box in a box" then called on her RAZR V3. She had been watching 24, Project Runway, America’s Top Model, the Sopranos, Battlestar Galactica, and Dancing with the Stars and fell asleep in front of her HD plasma screen for under $2000. She couldn’t make the execution but was sending Tawny Little and Anne Hathaway instead. Apple Computer, Inc. CEO, Steve Jobs checked in from his spa. He, Justin Timberlake, and Family Guy writers were going to the UFC (ultimate fighting championship) where they would meet up with Sports Illustrated Swimsuit models, Ana Beatriz Barros, Yamila Diaz-Rahi, Molly Sims, Anne V,Bridget Hall,Daniela Pestova,Elsa Benitez, Fernanda Motta,Petra Nemcova, and Carolyn Murphy. He was also hoping some of them were lesbians so he could catch a little hot girl-on-girl action.
Before they all left they checked the Dreamgirls showtimes, Golden Globe results (where they learned the winners included Hellen Mirren, Eddie Murphy, Jennifer Hudson, Martin Scorsese, Ugly Betty, Clint Eastwood, Meryl Streep, and Hugh Laurie from House),traded podcasts, shopped on line for a Seahawks jersey to wear at the Superbowl (if they could get tickets and the cheapest airfare), downloaded tomcat wedding photos, lamented over the Paul McCartney divorce, discussed the latest Borat-Pamela Anderson rumors, and late arrival Madonna wondered where is Palestine? And, for that matter, where is Darfur?
They drove in separate cars. The Lamborghini, Hummer, Mercedes, and Porsche pulled out of the driveway. Wicked Ashlee Simpson was waiting in Jessica’s car sporting her New England Patriots shirt that featured Tom Brady, talking to Hilary Clinton about how to refinance. Meanwhile, Daniel Craig, already there but barefoot (he had a foot fetish), took Viagra just in case Eva Longoria or porn stars Jenna Jamison, Sophie Moon, Alaura Eden, Dragon Lily, Lauren Phoenix, Lexington Steele, Extreme Holly, and Stephanie Swift showed up for the hanging. Wentworth Miller sent his regrets, saying he’ll see it on CNN, the Colbert Report, YouTube, MSNBC with Keith Olbermann, CBS with Katie Couric (and her bare legs), the View with Rosie O’Donnell, the Food Network, or in Screw magazine.
Rain was beating down. Lil Wayne suspected Global Warning. “It’s almost as bad as Hurricane Katrina”, said Hannah Montana, who had her own bankruptcy problems. The guards were dressed like Spiderman. Fergie and Christina Aguilera swooned but Nicole Richie was preoccupied, wondering if the Deal or no Deal models were prettier than her. It was bad enough she was sitting with Heidi Klum, who kept pestering her, asking, “What is Hezbollah?”, “is Chris Brown performing?”, and “define web 2.0”. Donald Trump was giving sex tips to the Grey’s Anatomy cast and making erectile dysfunction jokes that Quentin Tarentino, Sean Hannity, Homer Simpson, Eli Manning, and Simon Cowell didn’t find funny. Ryan Seacrest and Rachel Ray were trading sex toys and Starbucks gift certificates, and Jennifer Aniston asked Tiger Woods if she should enroll in Boise State. He said yes but only if she can apply for FAFSA.
After Katharine McPhee sang some country’s national anthem where she was joined by the Dixie Chicks, Mariah Carey,the cast of "Chicago", and P. Diddy, the hanging took place, duly recorded on everyone’s latest cellphone camera under $30, and then they all checked flight schedules, the Weather Channel, found the best hotel deals, and flew to Hollywood for the latest Oscar buzz, the best pizza, celebrity graves, the top ten nightclubs, tech help, Universal tours, Grammy night, the Golden Globes, tattoos, Kobe Bryant, liposuction, Disneyland, and UCLA cheerleaders.
What did I miss? Google searches include comments, so join in. I'll let you know tomorrow how it went. What good is having a blog if you can't do stupid stuff like this? Thanks for indulging.