Sunday, January 14, 2007

And the hits just keep on comin'

Okay, this is an experiment. I had lunch last week with fellow blogger, Lee Goldberg and we were talking about people finding our sites via search engines. He said he once just listed the most searched for items and got a ton more hits that day. So for fun, I thought I’d do the same thing. But to put a spin on it, I’ve decided to weave them all into a little narrative. Let’s see what happens. And if you’re reading this because you searched for “Bonnie Bernstein nude” or “Lindsay Lohan nipples”, don’t you feel stupid?

Nikki Cox stared at her breasts, preparing to join Jessica Simpson and Darrent Williams at the Saddam Hanging. Jessica, a staunch “Windows” defender, turned on her Dell computer with the Intel chip and went right to her MySpace page where she added new friends Orlando Bloom, Martina Hingis, Beyonce, Barry Bonds, Barack Obama, and Jessica Alba (who posed in Playboy naked and drives a Ferrari).

Angelina Jolie stopped by with Brad Pitt (who she has nicknamed “bebo”), both horny, having come from a sex orgy, which was really a charity benefit for autism and cancer. Of course Paris Hilton was there (raving about Metacafe which she discovered on Wikipedia and Radioblog.) as was Shakira who appeared just last night on American Idol where she caught Paula Abdul giving a blowjob to Chris Daugherty. It was quite a scandal but nothing like the Duke Lacrosse Rape Scandal, or the pictures of Britney Spears’ vagina.

Then Penelope Cruz put her "box in a box" then called on her RAZR V3. She had been watching 24, Project Runway, America’s Top Model, the Sopranos, Battlestar Galactica, and Dancing with the Stars and fell asleep in front of her HD plasma screen for under $2000. She couldn’t make the execution but was sending Tawny Little and Anne Hathaway instead. Apple Computer, Inc. CEO, Steve Jobs checked in from his spa. He, Justin Timberlake, and Family Guy writers were going to the UFC (ultimate fighting championship) where they would meet up with Sports Illustrated Swimsuit models, Ana Beatriz Barros, Yamila Diaz-Rahi, Molly Sims, Anne V,Bridget Hall,Daniela Pestova,Elsa Benitez, Fernanda Motta,Petra Nemcova, and Carolyn Murphy. He was also hoping some of them were lesbians so he could catch a little hot girl-on-girl action.

Before they all left they checked the Dreamgirls showtimes, Golden Globe results (where they learned the winners included Hellen Mirren, Eddie Murphy, Jennifer Hudson, Martin Scorsese, Ugly Betty, Clint Eastwood, Meryl Streep, and Hugh Laurie from House),traded podcasts, shopped on line for a Seahawks jersey to wear at the Superbowl (if they could get tickets and the cheapest airfare), downloaded tomcat wedding photos, lamented over the Paul McCartney divorce, discussed the latest Borat-Pamela Anderson rumors, and late arrival Madonna wondered where is Palestine? And, for that matter, where is Darfur?

They drove in separate cars. The Lamborghini, Hummer, Mercedes, and Porsche pulled out of the driveway. Wicked Ashlee Simpson was waiting in Jessica’s car sporting her New England Patriots shirt that featured Tom Brady, talking to Hilary Clinton about how to refinance. Meanwhile, Daniel Craig, already there but barefoot (he had a foot fetish), took Viagra just in case Eva Longoria or porn stars Jenna Jamison, Sophie Moon, Alaura Eden, Dragon Lily, Lauren Phoenix, Lexington Steele, Extreme Holly, and Stephanie Swift showed up for the hanging. Wentworth Miller sent his regrets, saying he’ll see it on CNN, the Colbert Report, YouTube, MSNBC with Keith Olbermann, CBS with Katie Couric (and her bare legs), the View with Rosie O’Donnell, the Food Network, or in Screw magazine.

Rain was beating down. Lil Wayne suspected Global Warning. “It’s almost as bad as Hurricane Katrina”, said Hannah Montana, who had her own bankruptcy problems. The guards were dressed like Spiderman. Fergie and Christina Aguilera swooned but Nicole Richie was preoccupied, wondering if the Deal or no Deal models were prettier than her. It was bad enough she was sitting with Heidi Klum, who kept pestering her, asking, “What is Hezbollah?”, “is Chris Brown performing?”, and “define web 2.0”. Donald Trump was giving sex tips to the Grey’s Anatomy cast and making erectile dysfunction jokes that Quentin Tarentino, Sean Hannity, Homer Simpson, Eli Manning, and Simon Cowell didn’t find funny. Ryan Seacrest and Rachel Ray were trading sex toys and Starbucks gift certificates, and Jennifer Aniston asked Tiger Woods if she should enroll in Boise State. He said yes but only if she can apply for FAFSA.

After Katharine McPhee sang some country’s national anthem where she was joined by the Dixie Chicks, Mariah Carey,the cast of "Chicago", and P. Diddy, the hanging took place, duly recorded on everyone’s latest cellphone camera under $30, and then they all checked flight schedules, the Weather Channel, found the best hotel deals, and flew to Hollywood for the latest Oscar buzz, the best pizza, celebrity graves, the top ten nightclubs, tech help, Universal tours, Grammy night, the Golden Globes, tattoos, Kobe Bryant, liposuction, Disneyland, and UCLA cheerleaders.

What did I miss? Google searches include comments, so join in. I'll let you know tomorrow how it went. What good is having a blog if you can't do stupid stuff like this? Thanks for indulging.

61 comments:

Anonymous said...

And what would the headline read if a divorcing celebrity mom pop singer re-enacted a scene from Apocalyto and stabbed former child star Jerry Mathers?
"Britney Spears Beaver"

zazupitts said...

...possibly the Free Home Refinancing brought to you by the Nigerian Prince, Viagra, who was last seen leaving town on a EBay purchased UFO...

Mike Barer said...

Try listing Tracy Taylor and KJR, I did one story on the traffic girl for our local radio station and I'm getting an amazing number of hits.

Observer said...

I heard that the people at the Saddam Hussein execution were arguing over whether George Lucas was more of a genius for Star Wars or maybe Peter Jackson for Lord of the Rings or maybe Steven Spielberg for War of the Worlds, which had Tom Cruise (you know, the Scientology guy with John Travolta and maybe now David Beckham and that Spice Girl) and Dakota Fanning in it.

I heard that Hussein, that guy who was even worse than Osama bin Laden, was thinking about outlawing online poker tournaments. Next thing you know, they'll be outlawing stuff for kids, like Disney DVD's or Yu-Gi-Oh cards or Pokemon cards. Oh well, at least Jon Stewart can be trusted to cover it on the Daily Show, which we'll see as a Youtube bootleg after we're done watching Heroes, 24 and ER reruns.

Sam Thornton said...

Wait a sec, you left out the crazed serial killers in Iraq and Iran and
Afghanistan and Pakistan looking for OJ looking for Nicole's and Ron Goldman's killer(s).

Austriana said...

What, no lesbians?

Galactica and Intel have one too many Ls in your post. ;)


p.s. I found your blog about a week or two ago and I'm really enjoying it so far! Thanks for the entertainment.

Tumppi said...

Great blog Kevin, but I think this kind of thing that you put most searched words on your page is against googles roles. I might be wron though, but be warned :)

Ken Levine said...

I didn't know there were Google rules. What will they do? Obviously, my intent is provide amusement.

James said...

Roflmao.

Incredible.

Please, please, please let us know how this turns out.

This is Lost House 24 on steroids.

Rory L. Aronsky said...

Steroids? Barry Bonds medication, you mean? Those HMOs really know how to screw up Viagara prescriptions and Advil ain't what it used to be.

But I'll tell you. A quick gulp of NyQuil and you'll be seeing communications from American Express trying to get you to buy that Paris Hilton Victoria's Secret bra that they claim Britney Spears also wears because she just can't get enough of that One Night in Paris videotape, despite the fact that it has all those commercials for Carl's Jr. during penetration. Scary. It's like my Sony DVD player went wrong.

DrMax said...

Well done, and might I add, PENIS ENLARGEMENT CREAM.

Tom Green said...

For a long time the top search term for a youth charity website I worked for was "animal sex".

It was because of a quiz "Are you an animal in bed?". (Scroll down. Perfectly safe for work).

Slightly embarrassing when demonstrating to donors what the top search terms were...

Willy B. Good said...

I'm only here because I googled 'pictures of Britney Spear's vagina' so I guess there's no need to say how dissapointed I am to have to type "you forgot to post the pics Ken"

cheers for the laughs

DrBear said...

In my football blog Packerama, I once headlined a story about fantasy football leagues involving high school football players with the words "Teenage Fantasies." You can just guess how much the hit count went up for THAT one!

The Minstrel Boy said...

i entitled a post on politics "edible panties" and got beaucoup hits. along with mentioning pharmacuticals (delivered to your door!) by brand name, willy nilly apropos of nuthin. viagra, xanax, ativan, vicodin, oxycontin.

The Curmudgeon said...

You mentioned Boise State -- which was good -- but you left out Chrissy Popadics. I had a little boomlet by mentioning her name and cribbing her picture. The lurkers knew her name. It was clearly driving the searches.

And you also left out Staff Sgt. Michelle Manhart, USAF. I did a bit about her -- she's in trouble with the Air Force for posing for Playboy -- and my Sitemeter traffic soared. Dozens and dozens of hits all using variations of Sgt. Manhart in the search argument.

benson said...

Your entry today reminded me of something Zay N. Smith does in his column in the Chicago Sun-Times.
He's had a running gag in which readers report how many search engine hits they can find for the phrase "tap-dancing militant Islamic fundamentalists" (or some similar variation).

Mary Stella said...

Cameron Diaz was escorted by her new guy and joked about putting him, Dick, in a box, much like Mark McGwire found himself after not being voted into the Hall of Fame. That took a back seat to the Miami Dolphin's search for a new head coach and the Gators winning a super Bowl game.

MitchJ said...

And, of course, George Clooney and Bono hosted a charity dinner, proceeds to go to children with AIDS in Africa. If they haven't already, I'm sure they will.

Clay said...

Genius. Maybe a NASCAR refrence or some way to wave and Earnhardt refrence in may get a few more hits.

Anonymous said...

Wow - reads like a modern-day equivalent of "The Public Burning."

Ross said...

Mountain Dew Pepsi Coke Sprite

physics geek said...

And now you'll rake in all that crazy blog money. I congratulate you in on your ingenuity and wish you luck, which you'll need, since I've sacrificed a goat to Cthulu to guarantee that you'll get raped to death by a mastodon.

Morpheus said...

All you need is Monty Python slapping Barack Obama to death with herrings while whistling the Imperial Death March theme from Star Wars and you're set.

Anonymous said...

Valerie Plame posted a rant about Chimpy McBushitler in her Facebook and uploaded pictures of the Louisville cheerleader to Webshots and Flickr, then got her online degree at the University of Phoenix while popping Cialis and herbal ecstacy.

Anonymous said...

That's hillarious!

I'm going to try that with my
site.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget Michael Jackson and Nancy Pelosi's a lesbian.

CAD Daddy said...

Boobies , tits, knockers & hooters.

Anonymous said...

actually found this post because it's been listed on fark.com

http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink=2559150

Anonymous said...

Then Niro showed up.

Anonymous said...

I want to buy a Sony Bravia 1080p HDTV online for the lowest price and hook it up too my new Playstation 3 (PS3) to see how great the game Resistance: Fall of Man and Blu-Ray high definition videos look, especially since they carry them at Netflix.

Anonymous said...

Awesome stuff dude! Totally getting a link on www.phunni.com .

Lee said...

Get ready for the hits, you've been farked!

joeythehobo said...

Ya, Fark highlights you. Be proud!

Kraigg said...

This was so funny I lost my erection.

Ross said...

This will be remembered as the 'jump the shark' moment for that series of tubes known as the Internet. elcaminoblog.blogspot.com

King Kong said...

Why is George Bush spending time with the Clinton's and not at White House, in Washington DC or WTC at New York

Anonymous said...

timecube time cube

Anonymous said...

What about the online poker player who graduated summa cum loude and took a shot at making cocaine? Or was it marijuana, I can never remember. I just know he went to Notre Dame or Rutgers or something like that. The NCAA always mixes stuff up.

Anonymous said...

I once knew a Unix admin for Enron. He didn't do much after getting hooked on heroin. Beats being anorexic like Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen.

Anonymous said...

Dustin Diamond Sex Tape

nuff said.

wendell said...

I'm going to provide you (free of charge) the three words that have driven the most traffic to WendellWit.com over the last six months: tickle me emo. And don't forget penguins. Cartoon penguins. An all-star search result for more than 2 years. While you're at it, give a shoutout to National Gorilla Suit Day, pirates, ninjas, Dinosaur Comics, Girls Gone Wild, and Hiro from Heroes. And if you're going to be linked by Fark, remember, Duke Sucks.

Anonymous said...

I found youre site while seaching for webring pedophiles,who are boylovers.Or was it pedophilia boylove.Anyway I need a PSP3(playstation 3) to attract minors,or a WWii,from Nintendo.Because my aniversary presents were not included in my new job wanted.Anyway it's just another fark,farking day.

Anonymous said...

i can't wait until all web copy reads like this. and all the sites on the intarwebs will be in a continual state of farkedness!It will be like one long internet orgasm! Whooppee!!

Anonymous said...

Don't forget Microsoft, Windows, serial, keygen, crack, warez and appz!!!

Anonymous said...

Now, if only someone would try doing this in a way that made it entertaining....

Julia said...

I did a post a year ago labelled "Ever Wonder What's Under the Kilt" which is the biggest draw on my son's blog where I am a guest poster. It featured some Scottish pipers in a parade with the last one's kilt lifting a bit in the breeze slightly showing his bum under the kilt. Who would have thought that kilts are so interesting to people all around the world.

Richard Maritzer said...

Best part of this is LEE GOLDBERG, who I went to UCLA with, and haven't talked to since probably 1983. So now I know what's gong on with LEE GOLDBERG. lol.

Anonymous said...

Honestly, this is the funniest thing I've seen since viewing the trailer at Bachelorman.com

Much better than that film about the rape of that 12-year-old Dakota Fanning. Raping not good.

Thank the lord that comedyontap.com was kind enough to post all other jokes in the zeitgeist.

They're no nazi lovers and Hitler ? Forget about it. And the Sopranos while you're at it, Dr. House

Anonymous said...

This enlarges my penis by 6" NOW.

Anonymous said...

I've been playing Zelda twilight princess on the Wii. In the battle of Wii vs PS3 vs Xbox 360 the Wii, with it's worse specifications is definately the best next generation console but the graphics aren't as good. I think some one should write a Nintendo Wii review and hook it up to a High Definition plasma or LCD screen .

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

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AndyWhitehead said...

It reminds me of the time I saw a couple of lesbians masterbating in the shower so I filmed it on my webcam. I did it for free and it was all totally amature, but it was good because they were shaved, natural beauties with great boobs!

Anonymous said...

tits mcgee

MessengerBoy said...

What about "iPod?" (Found this through Fark.)

MessengerBoy said...

What about "iPod?" (Found this through Fark.)

Anonymous said...

hp laptop using firefox and mozilla can see fox news website just fine

Anonymous said...

ohhhhhh..... I get it! You put a lot of names and popular internet searches together in the form of a stoy to see how many people would go to your page on accident!!! Great Idea! FUNNY FUNNY GUY!!! ..... way to much spare time

green_meklar said...

lol, nice one. I can just imagine people searching for all that kind of stuff, too. I'll keep your techniques in mind in case I find some uses for them in the future. In the meantime, it's always fun hearing about people who 'beat the system', so to speak, especially in creative and funny ways.

Clangnuts said...

Funny. Has it worked?