LOST , 24, and HOUSE are my favorite TV dramas. I imagine it’s a bitch for those shows writers to keep coming up with stories that are exciting, fresh, and fun. So in an effort to make their lives a little easier and my way of saying thanks for such great work, I have devised a way to combine all three. Presenting LOST HOUSE 24. (to avoid any confusion between Jack Bauer and Jack Shephard, Jack from LOST will be “Doc”.)
12 pm – 1 pm
Oceanic Air Flight 15 wings from Sydney to Los Angeles. Jack is returning home after two years of hiding in the Outback because that’s as far away from Audrey as he could get. House spent two weeks in Australia learning the accent so he could better taunt Chase. The plane crashes. Jack saves 54 people. Learns they only have provisions for 53. He shoots one.
1 pm – 2 pm
House discovers he can walk. Sayid remembers Jack from once torturing him. Together, Jack and Doc build an entire village and Banana Republic outlet.
2 pm – 3 pm
Sawyer and House compete making Hurley fat jokes. Sayid tries to get radio communication. Nothing but static. They’re 2,000 miles from civilization. Jack’s cellphone rings.
3 pm – 4 pm
Jack has cellphone service. It’s the President. Can Jack pick up his cleaning? Jack asks if the President can send a rescue party. President turns on Jack and deports him. Doc and Kate explore the island. Kate gets trapped in a big hunter’s net.
4 pm – 5 pm
John Locke and House get into argument over the existence of unexplained phenomena. House is winning until his cane walks off by itself. Jack saves Kate and kills a polar bear.
5 pm – 6 pm
High tea. Hurley eats the polar bear leading to more friendly jibes. Kate and Jack compare guns. Doc is jealous. Flashback: Jack recalls the time he was Athos in the Three Muskateers.
6 pm – 7 pm
Kate gets caught in another hanging net. Locke shoots Boone. House correctly diagnoses a gunshot wound… but only after removing Boone’s liver. Jack learns that Claire is really his daughter. Ten minutes later she’s of course kidnapped.
7 pm – 8 pm
Jack and a search party of six go looking for Claire. The search party is wiped out. Jack cuts down Kate and continues his journey. She starts back for camp and gets caught in another net. Jack encounters weird mountain woman. Turns out she’s the President’s sister. Flashback: Hurley, hanging out in a Bronx diner with Becker. In one of those strange LOST coincidences, Becker is actually House.
8 pm – 9 pm
Jack rescues Claire. She claims there were medical experiments done on her. She returns to camp where House performs medical experiments on her. Jack knocks up Sun.
9 pm – 10 pm
Sun is five months along. Sayid gets radio transmission. The Bob Dylan show on XM. Sayid can’t understand what he’s saying. It’s not the radio’s fault. Locke discovers the hatch. Doc says don’t open it. Jack gets a call from the President ordering him to open the hatch. Jack neglects to mention that he saw the President’s sister. The topic just never came up.
10 pm – 11 pm
Jack can open the hatch but needs three volunteers to help him. He is successful but all three die. Inside they discover a command center much like CTU except there are burger wrappers suggesting someone actually ate there. Also surveillance monitors are discovered. They watch Kate struggle to get out of the net. Back at camp Sawyer knocks House into next Tuesday.
11 pm – 12 am
Jack must punch a sequence of numbers into the computer within three minutes or the world blows up. He calls Chloe. She manages to sync up to the hatch computer. Through a complicated program that doesn’t exist in real life, Chloe unearths the mystery numbers. Jack enters them just in time. A stuffed animal comes down a chute. Jack asks Chloe to send a rescue party. She doesn’t like his snippy tone and hangs up.
PART TWO TOMORROW
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
By Ken Levine at 4:42 PM