Who needs books? If you go to Amazon.com and search for “Adult Products” or “Adult Gifts” you’ll find they have some delightful items. Note: these are all real. I’m not making any of them up. I’m not that creative. The Screaming O Honey Vibrating Enhancer
The Screaming O Vibrating Waterproof Octopus Massager (marked down from $19.99 to $9.99 so jump on it.)
Jingle Jugs Animatronic Singing Dancing Boobs
California Exotics / Swedish Erotica Crotchless Fluttering Butterfly G-String
Nearly Me Gaff (which appears to be male underwear with the sock built in)
Deluxe Ben Wa Balls Silver Kegel Exerciser (Yeah, take that to the gym)
French Wrestling DVD (Do both contestants give up? I'm just askin'.)
Brown Beaded Pocket Pal Erection Aid (No fanny pack or purse should be without one)
Adult Play Pail РRomantic Gift Set Contains: strawberry whipped cr̬me, Hot Stuff warming oil, pina colada one oz. Container of wild fruit body dust, two bottles of cinnamon AfterHours massage oil, one bottle of cherry kissing potion, banana body drops, scented candle, and exotic feather.
Naughty Candy Assortment Gift Box (And you thought Big Hunks were sexy)
Boyfriend Body Pillow (I bet it still doesn’t cuddle)
Black Furry Metal Handcuffs Bachelorette Party Wedding Gift (Check out which store she’s registered at first)
Prisoner of Love Gift Basket (Perfect anniversary gift for the gal who has the Black Furry Metal Handcuffs)
Wireless Male Ring Erection Aid Purple (It’s gotta be purple. No one would be caught dead with a green one.)
Centerfold Pinup Sticker
Sexy Sticker Set-Cell Phone Stickers
Humorous Adult Sucks Laser Italian Charm
Tiny Tins Spoons Game (Don’t know what that’s for but maybe it appeals to the guy who needs the Nearly Me Gaff item.)
Fart-O-Meter Adult Costume
The 2007-2012 World Outlook for Adult Incontinence Products. (If you didn’t have trouble holding it before, you will when you see the price: $795.00.)
Hungarian Wrestling, Vol. I DVD (I hope it features the death match between the Great Orsolya and the Queen of Mean – Zsuzsanna.)
Tongue Dinger Personal Massager – Purple (Clearly that’s the in color this year.
Adult Mask
2-Piece Set: Spiderweb Lace Tie Top with Shorts (black, so it’s ideal for formal occasions or funerals.)
Adult Fantasy Baby Bouquet (I can’t even imagine!)
Protection Plus Disposable Adult Pull Ups -- Options: Size Large 40” – 56” with Overnight Protection (and I don’t think they’re talking about delivery guarantee.)
And finally....
James Earl Jones Reads the Bible – Audio CD
Seeing how Amazon's computers suggest other things for you to buy based on what you've purchased already, I don't think I'll order any of these. My TiVo already thinks I'm a perv.
ReplyDeleteLadies love it when I bring them back to my swingin' bachelor pad, pull out the Prisoner of Love Gift Basket and cue up the James Earl Jones Bible CD to Song of Solomon.
ReplyDelete"James Earl Jones Reads the Bible."
ReplyDeleteTruely ill: the voice of Darth Vader reading The Ten Commandments: "Luke, thou shalt know the power of the Dark Side of the Force!"
That ought to scare some folks into joining me in atheistland.
Oh, I'd love to see your recommendations page now that all those items are on your Recently Viewed Items page.
Cheers darling.
I think if you're going to tell us about these products, it's only fair that you order them, try them out and review them. After all, if you don't, you could be pushing inferior quality products to your readers.
ReplyDeleteLet us know how you get on.
Don't get the crack about the French. Is it:
ReplyDelete1) 'cos they got defeated in WW2 and might is right?
2) 'cos they didn't think that Bush's plan to invade Iraq was really such a great idea?
3) 'cos pandering to common prejudices makes life easy for writers?
I'm not French - or even pro-France. Just sad to see what America has become.
Jingle Jugs Animatronic Singing Dancing Boobs
ReplyDeleteHow did they get two Network Executives to pose long enough to make one?
/try the veal
Must be nice to be a professional writer...then you can buy all those things and deduct them from your taxes as "business expenses"
ReplyDeleteMuch the same rationale for the incontinence products market survey--that and the fact the expenses of creating it have to be amortized over a very small pool of potential buyers.
You should check out some of the things our Japanese friends are buying:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.jlist.com/SEARCH/hello_kitty/1/
the infamous hello kitty 'shoulder massager'...so wrong....
If you're interested in finding out how well any of them work, try asking Eliot Spitzer. With the exception of "James Earl Jones Reads the Bible," I think he's ordered every one of them... The adult toys for the obvious -- and the incontinence products for when he found out he'd been caught...
ReplyDeleteDear Ken,
ReplyDeleteThank you for the marvelous list--and just in time for Mother's Day.
Signed,
Oedipus Rex
P.S. I won't be needing a list for Father's Day this year.
Amazon also carries a wonderful selection of fart items, like:
ReplyDeleteFart! The Game
FART WHISTLE
REMOTE CONTROL FART BOX
FART - THE MOVIE (uncut 1991 version!)
Liquid Ass Fart Spray
Small Fart Spray
Super Fart Spray
72 Fart Bomb Bags in Display Box (only available in the Used/New section - I'd avoid that one)
The rest, of course, are highly recommended.
The writers' strike is over. You should be working! This post sounds like you have too much time on your hands.
ReplyDeleteOTOH, if I get any of those "lovely" gifts for Mother's Day from my DH, I'm forwarding them to you!
Isn't a crotchless G-String actually a tiny belt?
ReplyDeleteSo, anonymous (of the 2:30 a.m. post) - a crack about the French is sad evidence of "what America has become?" Maybe you're right. I, too, long for that time when Americans refused to engage in such "edgy," potentially hurtful comedy. A time when we got our laughs, if any, from gentler sources, such as Bennett Cerf (a favorite: Q: What's big and red and eats rocks? A: A big, red rock-eater. LOL!).
ReplyDeleteBut then I think, were things really as good as I remember? What of the mothers-in-law, the "dumb blondes," the "Polacks?" These groups might well pooh-pooh (tee-hee) the notion that past "humorists" were any more enlightened that their French-baiting brethren of today.
I fear it will take an apocalypse to return us to the true glory days of comedy. We'll once again be dwelling in caves, sitting around the barren wasteland, waiting for someone to discover fire. So we can light our farts.
Ben Wa Balls...sounds like a Taiwanese shortstop.
ReplyDeleteHad to delete a few anonymous slurs. You're welcome to voice your opposition to my French jokes but if you don't leave your name one must only assume you're a coward. Which might explain why you were so offended by the French always surrendering jokes.
ReplyDeleteI can always tell when a writer is having one of "those" days by the stuff that turns up either in my email or getting written about in my personal or favorite blogs. ROFL!! I love "those" days. They're such wonderful grist for the theater of life.
ReplyDeleteThose are totally wild along with a very detailed shopping list for the man who doesn't know what to get his favorite woman, man or whatever. :> Same with the woman. And I'm with Terey. A writer's wit always loves the insane and just downright fun.
ReplyDeleteI once read about a vibrator that you hooked into your stereo to use music to give it that extra oomph. What came to mind was that Bumblebee tune, 1812 Overture and maybe even that typewriter tune that Jerry Lewis used in a movie. And Ravel's Bolero!!
Linda
Linda: I suspect a vibrator powered by "Flight of the Bumblebee" would be fatal.
ReplyDeleteBut Linda, you might enjoy Cyndi Lauper's She Bop, or Billy Joel's Sometimes a Fantasy.
ReplyDeleteFun Fact: Tallulah Morehead's first visit to France inspired the 1927 hit song "Fifty Million Frenchmen Can't Be Wrong."
ReplyDeleteTallulah forgot this one:
ReplyDeleteQ: How does a French woman hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.
France DID win a war -- the French Revolution -- and they defeated ... uh ... themselves?
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if this is available on Amazon but some of your male readers may want to seek out the ANEROS Prostate Stimulator.
ReplyDeleteIt is available in several different versions but I think the PROGASM - White
(cuz no one using this would want to be associated with the color purple?) sounds like the best bet. It's described as " Large, yet agile, "
Zut alors !!!
Here are 2 other often overlooked Adult Pleasure Enhancers:
The Champagne & Bongos LP
Hai Karate Cologne
Actually JB, although I have been plastered in Paris many times, my first visit to France, which was in 1918 while escaping from Kaiser Wilhelm who had held me as his love slave (It's detailed in my autobiography, in Chapter 8 "I Lick the Kaiser"), inspired "50,000,000 Frenchmen Can't Be Right." But my night with Quasimodo in Notre Dame Edna was unforgettable!
ReplyDeleteBut do you know why the French are so rude, irritable, and generally unpleasant to be in the vicinity of?
Well, if you spent a thousand years living next door to Germany, you'd be edgy too.
Cheers.
Oh and Emily, lest we forget, the French DID win another war: The American Revolution. Without Layfette, we'd all be speaking English.
ReplyDeleteI promise, I'll never say anything else nice about the French.
Cheers
This just in: France declares WAR on Ken Levine's Blog...
ReplyDeletedetails at eleven...
New details just in to the newsroom: Details are sketchy, but apparently, after minutes of conflict, France has surrendered to Ken Levine's Blog.
ReplyDeleteHahaha @ the French joke
ReplyDeleteThe origins of the French surrender joke are interesting to me. I, for one, wouldn't mind if Mr.L went into it in more detail.
ReplyDeleteIs it a war thing? Yeah, that might be more suitable for the Italians.
But then, if we can make war jokes, is it still okay to do totally racist impressions of the Japanese with thick glasses and buck teeth that you Americans loved during the war? I don't know what's okay or what is out of bounds over there right now.
Or is it, as the first 'anonymous' asked, more about the fact that they didn't support you guys in blowing the living shit out of anyone you feel like? That at least would mean it's not a 60+ year old joke.
Then jokes about using these impliments to search for WMDs up your own orifices might be appropriate.
I don't know. Now that it has been brought up, I am curious though.
Well speaking only for myself, the root of my French jokes comes from visiting France, and finding it full of the most rude, insufferable, arrogant, and eogtistical smelly drunks I've ever encountered anywhere in the world. Paris is a tremendously beautiful city, and I could not wait to leave it and get back to England, where people were friendly and well-mannered. I never did French jokes until I went there.
ReplyDeleteAnd as I do not support Bush's war myself, why would I dislike another country for also not supporting it?
But I loves me my Jaques Tati movies.
haha good
ReplyDelete..."the root of my French jokes comes from visiting France, and finding it full of the most rude, insufferable, arrogant, and eogtistical smelly drunks I've ever encountered anywhere in the world."
ReplyDeleteFogive me if I'm mistaken, Tallulah, darling -- but doesn't that also describe your first four husbands?
Wouldnl't that describe anybody's first four husbands?
ReplyDelete"Fogive me if I'm mistaken, Tallulah, darling -- but doesn't that also describe your first four husbands?"
ReplyDeleteOnly number 2. My first four husbands, as detailed in my autobiography (MY LUSH LIFE, available from Amazon.com - honest.) were:
1. F. Emmett Knight, my agent. Gay. Not arrogant. Good agent. Lousy lay.
2. Louie B. Thalberg, studio head. Rude and arrogant, but not a drunk. That's my purview.
3. Count Vlad Tepes of Transylvania. Smelly. In fact, smelt rather like a corpse. 500 years old. Only drank blood. Died the morning after our wedding night, when I opened the curtains. He'd gotten so drunk on my blood, he'd forgotten to return to his coffin.
4. Boris Karloff. Charming Englishman and actor. His family still denies the marriage ever happened.
As for 5 through 11? 12? 13? (I don't remember all of them.) They're for another day.
OK, then -- I may have gotten you mixed up with Liz Taylor... I'm pretty sure that's what her first four were like...
ReplyDelete