AMERICAN IDOL: Judgment Week

Okay, let’s do the math. 71 contestants left, each performing a final number for the judges. At 3 minutes a song that’s 213 minutes of music. AMERICAN IDOL Judgment night was two hours minus the commercials. So ultimately 46 minutes. Seems to me there’d be enough singing to really put together a dynamite show. Instead, we saw snippets of a few songs (some snippets even repeated) and two hours of contestants anxiously waiting, more crying than Gandhi’s funeral, and endless ENDLESS recaps. At times we saw recaps of things that happened two minutes before. I mean, even the guy from MEMENTO would be saying, “Right. They’re separated into three groups and only two go through. I get it!”

If the AMERICAN IDOL producers were writing this review this next paragraph would start “so 71 contestants were left, each performing a final number for the judges. That’s 213 minutes of music if you figured 3 minutes a song.”

So instead of a potentially gangbusters show, we were treated to two tiresome hours of trumped up emotion and boredom. Not to mention trumped up emotion and boredom. There were many scenes where the contestants were sitting in rooms for eight hours just waiting to be called. I thought, “Now you know how I feel watching this snoozefest.”

It’s a SINGING SHOW!! Can we please just watch talented kids SING?! I don’t care what they look like eating breakfast or hugging boyfriends who clearly just escaped from prison. And I certainly don’t care seeing them eat breakfast and hugging boyfriends who clearly just escaped from prison.

Those few seconds of performances we did graciously get to see were by and large terrific. This may be one of the most talented groups of singers they’ve ever had, at least judging by the sixteen bars I heard.

Once the exercise of weeding out one of the three groups was completed they advanced to the “final judgment”. 24 finalists will be selected from the 46 remaining basket cases. Those 24 will begin singing next week for America’s consideration. So 22 will be eliminated. Out of 46. Leaving only 24. To sing next week. Out of 46.

Usually they do this next section in a big drafty mansion. One by one the contestants face the judges to learn their fate. But Flavor Flav must’ve booked it for the latest edition of FLAVOR OF LOVE so IDOL had to hold these waterboarding trials at the Kodak Theatre.

Each contestant entered the back of the theatre, walked down the aisle and climbed onto the stage where their jury was waiting for them.

Randy kept asking the kids, “long walk, huh?” Jesus, it’s not like they had to walk from Port Hueneme. They had to pass 50 rows of seats. Although for Randy I could see where that might require additional oxygen.

Let’s be real. The top 24 is not selected strictly for their singing ability. They’re “cast”. Singing is a factor, but so is their look, backstory, personality, age, ethnicity, and most important – they must have distinctive names with distinctive spelling. Todrick and Katelyn and Didi. One girl had a meltdown when told she was rejected. “Why?” she pleaded. I yelled back at the screen, “Because your friggin’ name is Jessica!” Come back next year as Jess-EE-ka. Or better yet, Persephone.

And after all that, two hours and seven Fox promos for PAST LIFE (as if that’s going to help), they still have to announce 17 of the 24 finalists. Who will perform next week for America. Out of the 71 that started. And not the 7 who have already been selected. From the original 46.

Oh, I forgot. The BIG news. They announced that the judges had new cups this year. Sorry I buried the lead.

If you missed any of this show just tune in tonight. I’d be willing to bet there will be a recap.