Let's go shopping at the Sky Mall

Summer is officially here, which means summer travel. After you’ve had a relaxing morning removing all your clothes in front of a thousand strangers who are also shedding their garments, getting a full-body X-Ray, finding no room in the overhead compartments for your carry-on, being squeezed into a center seat between a fat person and a screaming baby, and sitting out on the tarmac for an hour before taking off, you’re duly rewarded by the chance to shop from the comfort of your undersized seat. Time for another look at the SkyMall magazine to see what great gifts at great prices are currently being offered.  These are actual items. And still more functional than some of the wedding gifts my son Matt & Kim received. 

You’re welcome, by the way.

“The Peeing Boy of Brussels” Statue and Fountain – Class up your joint with this delightful fountain of a boy urinating. $175 (includes pump but you must provide your own yellow dye)
 
Sunglasses That Float – For really stupid people who think this is a great life preserver. $89.95 (but what’s the price of saving your life?)


A electronic grocery list organizer – Now you’ll never have to write a shopping list ever again! Just think of all the paper and ink you’ll save! Only $89.99.

The Weed Whacking Golf Driver – Brings new meaning to multi-tasking. $39.95

The Grand Tiki Table – Who wouldn’t want this tasteful item in their home? $99.95.

The Headache Relieving Wrap – Yes, it may appear to be like any other normal head wrap, but it was developed by a neurologist (although they don’t say who). And don’t let the fact that people are laughing at you for wearing it take away from the supposed benefits. Sure you could take a Tylenol for thirty cents, but isn’t it better to buy this for only $49,95?

The Eye Fatigue Preventing Fit Over Sunglasses – They go over your regular glasses and dwarf your face making you look 80 years-old, but at only $79,95 they’re a real bargain. Unless you go into CVS and get the same thing for six bucks.

The Always Cool Pillow – As opposed to taking any pillow and just putting it in the refrigerator for ten minutes. $89.95. Unless of course, by “cool” they’re referring to being in style – in which case, this item is a steal because you know hard it is to keep up with pillow fashion.


Bone Shaped Pillows – For your dogs. Comes in seven colors even though dogs can’t see colors. $19.95. Buy a bunch because dogs tend to eat bones.


Authentic Notre Dame Bench – along with authentic Notre Dame splinters. $249.99. I’d get a couple of dog bone pillows because those benches are hard.


Captain Jack Sparrow’s Sword Letter Opener – Because you know how much mail pirates get! $19.95.

Captain Jack Sparrow’s Onyx Flower Ring – Something like this should cost an arm and a peg leg but it’s yours for only $129.00!

The World’s First Hands-Free Home Use Laser Hair Therapy Treatment to Combat Hair Loss – Hannibal Lector-type helmet for men who can’t be embarrassed enough by wearing jaw-dropping toupees. $499.

Chemistry Clock – Each number relates to the corresponding atomic element. Here’s what it says about you – you’re organized, scientific, and will never get laid in a million-trillion years. $29.95.

Have your credit card ready!