By Ken Levine

How to create a series that lasts more than six episodes

2012-02-02T05:58:00.000-08:00

Here’s another one of those Friday Questions that warrants its own dedicated post.

Andy Cook wrote in to say:

When creating a new show to pitch to a network, how do you test whether that idea (the location, situation, characters etc) has legs?

Do you have any techniques to check if you’ll run out of ideas 6 shows in? Is it simply a case of coming up with a long list of ideas and if so, how many would you start with on a show?

The first question I ask is “what is this show ABOUT”? Unless there’s some theme, some basic value or issue then you just have a bunch of people trading jokes in various settings. What are your characters trying to achieve? What do you as a writer want to SAY?

30 ROCK is ultimately about a woman trying to succeed in a man’s world. BIG BANG THEORY – how do social outcasts get along in society? During your pitch, if you’re can say in a sentence, “This show is about…” then you’re on your way.

Also, I build series around relationships, not settings. Then you can ask the question, how much mileage will you get out of this relationship? Again, 30 ROCK – the Liz/Jack relationship is the center of the show. He’s her mentor, antagonist, friend, father-figure. There are layers. Quite often sitcom relationships are one-note or one joke. He’s a guy who likes fantasy football. Period. She hates football. Period. Try getting seven years out of that.

Conflict is a key element. Your lead vs. other leads. Or your lead vs. the world. Or your lead vs. himself. A lot of writers make the mistake of just building a show around a workplace. I can’t tell you how many times people have approached me and said, “I work in a bakery. You should do a show in a bakery. You can’t believe the funny things that happen in a bakery.” That’s not a show. That’s a place.

THE OFFICE is about working drones trying to find some measure of happiness in a drab existence. It’s not about pranks or that crazy night when they had to fill a big order. We follow the characters – how they annoy each other, compete with each other, fall in love with each other.

Make the premise as open-ended as you can. There was a show on ABC a few years ago about a group of idiots trying to rob a celebrity. What are you going to do episode ten, much less one hundred? There was another show that all took place during one wedding day. You’ve got to leave yourself some room going in.

Remember that TV characters can only evolve at a glacier’s pace. If your antagonist learns his lesson in the pilot you’ve got nowhere to go. So make sure your characters have issues and flaws and objectives that will take time to resolve.

And then comes the big question: How do I make this funny? Is there a built-in absurdity to the world you’re creating? Or are there enough funny things that audiences can relate to to justify this comedy? EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND was a great example of that. You laughed because you experienced the exact same things the Barones did.

And finally, if you can find original characters, a setting we haven’t seen before, or a style that’s a little off-center – that wouldn't hurt.

Once all of those tiny questions are answered THEN come up with stories for future episodes. If you can bang out seven or eight with relative ease you’ve good. If you find yourself stumped after two pour yourself a scotch and go back to the drawing board.

Sounds complicated, doesn’t it? Well, it IS. There are a lot of factors to take into consideration. But at least you now KNOW the factors. Hopefully that will give you a leg up.

Best of luck! As always, thank me when you win an Emmy.

Where have you gone, Bow Wow Arft?

2012-02-01T05:59:00.000-08:00

There are not enough great nicknames anymore. Especially in baseball. Oh yes, we have Coco Crisp but back in the "good old" days the sport was filled was players with colorful ridiculous nicknames. So, with pitchers and catchers reporting later this month, I thought this would be a good time to salute some of the greatest names in the game. These are all real. You can look 'em up.

Bow Wow Arft
Spitz Applegate
Rattlesnake Baker
Desperate Beatty
Jittery Joe Berry
Hill Billy Bildili
Goobers Bratcher
Goober Zuber
Turkeyfoot Brower
Ding-a-Lig Clay
Whoops Creeden
Crunchy Cronin
Ding Croucher
Daffy Dean
Peaceful Valley Deizer
Bullfrog Dietrich
Buttermilk Dowd
Pea Soup Duont
Piccolo Pete Elko
Slippery Ellam
Sleuth Fleming
Suds Fodge
Suds Sutherland
Inch Gleich
Gabber Glenn
Snags Heidrick
Bunny High
Bunny Brief
Bootnose Hofmann
Herky Jerky Horton
Twinkies Host
Highpockets Hunt
Bear Tracks Javery
Whoop-La White
Swamp Baby Wilson
Sweetbreads Bailey
Humpy McElven
Boob McNair
Spinach Melilo
Earache Meyer
Peach Pie O'Connor
Truckhorse Pratt
Shucks Pruett
Raw Meat Rodgers
Horse Belly Sargent
Silk Stocking Schafer
Vinegar Ben Mizell
Blab Schwartz
Twinkletoes Selkirk
Spook Speake
Fish Hook Stout
Razor Ledbetter
Razor Shines
Cuddles Marshall
Beauty McGowen
Cotton Pippen
Pid Purdy
Van Lingle Mungo
Icicle Reeder
Tink Riviere
Lady Baldwi
Skeeter Scalzi
Socks Seibold
Mule Shirley
Urban Shocker
Colonel Bosco Snyder
Inky Strange
Sleeper Sullivan
White Wings Tebeau
Adonis Terry
Cannonball Titcomb
Turkey Tyson
Dixie Upright
Peak-a-Boo Veach
Mysterious Walker
Mother Watson
Mule Watson
Stump Weidman
Podgie Weibe
Icehouse Wilson
Chicken Wolf
Chief Moses Yellowhorse
Zip Zabel
Noodles Zupo
Oyster Burns

...and last but certainly not least:

Pussy Tebeau

The Cycle of Television

2012-01-31T05:54:00.000-08:00

A reader from nearby Oz, Nick has a question.

In American the TV seasons seem to be set in stone (September - April; is that right?). Two questions to ask - when was this decided, who decided and why and - secondly if the summer season is the non-ratings period because it's off season then how to networks determine how much to charge for advertising during shows that run during summer? Or is the idea of a non-ratings period more a label than an actual fact.

Two main reasons, and they go hand in hand. Summer ratings in the U.S. are the lowest of the year because the weather is good, it stays light later, and really, who wants to watch television when you can do anything else? But come September the nights gets colder, the kinder are back in school, you're broke after taking the family to one Yankee game, and all of a sudden the ol' flickering magic box looks pretty good to you. TV draws its largest audience of the year in the fall.

Also, that's when auto makers would traditionally unveil their new models for the year. This was a big deal! All summer we were teased with car commercials showing the new models hidden under sheets and a bombardment of promos for the new shows.

By September they had us whipped up into a complete frenzy. Think of the crazed anticipation fanboys have for the new Dark Knight movie opening this summer. Now multiply it by a thousand. That was us over the new Corvair '62 and the premiere of PLEASE DON'T EAT THE DAISIES.

Advertisers pay networks based on the size of the audience. So rates are adjusted accordingly.

One difference between now and the early days of TV -- the fall schedule is now locked in in early May. It used to get set in February for a late September start. But that was also when shows delivered 39 episodes a year and not, at the very most, 24. Producers needed that lead time. Of course, back then networks didn't yank shows after only two airings. On the other hand, they never made shows as bad as WORK IT.

Sorry - that was like five questions. I'm curious though because here in Australia we start playing all the high rating shows in early February (rule of thumb says they all premiere the week after the Australian Open (Tennis) finishes) and they run to about June. Then we enter a non-ratings few weeks... but it includes some very high rating sport events, before a second season of shows that weren't played in the first half of the year (generally the CSI's are played in the 2nd half of the year) runs run like July - November. December and January are completely dead TV wise. Hence I am writing this instead of watching Ice Road Truckers :)

But that makes sense because your February begins your Fall. You're pretty much on the same cycle as we are just flipped. So you can expect WORK IT around July. Enjoy! Meanwhile, I'm bringing THONG CHALLENGE back to the U.S.

Some thoughts on rewriting

2012-01-30T05:52:00.000-08:00

Got one of those Friday Questions that is worthy of an entire post. It’s from SeanK.

Ken,

You’ve mentioned a couple of times doing an un-credited re-write for Jewel of the Nile. I’m curious about that, mainly as it pertains to the ability to add it to your resume. Assuming only known writers would be asked to do a re-write, I suspect there’s enough Kevin Bacon-esque connections that it would be easily verified should it come up. But, well, does it come up? Why was it un-credited (your call or theirs)?

Larry Gelbart once stood up at a WGA membership rally just before a strike and said, “At some point everyone in this room will rewrite everyone else in this room.”

He was right.

Rewriting is as much a part of Hollywood as rumors and hookers. It is such a common practice in the feature world that the rare exception is the screenplay that makes it to the screen not having been rewritten by six other writers.

Screen credit is determined by a Credits Manual sanctioned by the Writers Guild. An arbitration is ordered any time a new writer is put on a project, whether the new writer requests it or not. In general this Credits Manual is there to protect the original writer. In the old days directors would routinely futz with scripts and slap their names on them. No more unless they deserve it.

Those arbitrations can get very hairy. The 1994 FLINTSTONES movie had no less than sixty writers involved at one time or another. (I know what you're thinking -- sixty writers for that?!)

Many A-List writers make a handsome living doing uncredited rewrites and polishes. What they sacrifice in credit they make up for in compensation. Some of these scribes command $100,000 a week to provide their genius. (I’ll pause a moment while you pick yourself up off the floor.)

When a studio brings a new writer on a project they are contractually obligated to let the other writers know. Of course they don’t but they’re supposed to.

There are no gag orders on rewriters. The Hollywood trade publications often print who is now rewriting what. There are websites that list project status reports complete with the latest writers assigned to scripts.

So I’m not breaking any confidentiality agreement by revealing that my partner and I did a rewrite on JEWEL OF THE NILE. A paper trail does exist. Plus, I have our draft (in English and French. Our script had to be translated into French for the Moroccan government to approve before allowing us to shoot in their country.). So if you want proof of our involvement you’re welcome to check with 20th Century Fox, the WGA, or call the King of Morocco.

For a couple of years we did a lot of rewrites. Both MANNEQUINS and several movies that ultimately never got made. We rewrote some big names. One in particular is a prominent comedy writer I truly admire and even though the script needed work and he wasn’t available I still felt weird about it (but not weird enough to turn down the assignment).

And just as Larry Gelbart said, a number of big names rewrote us. Often there’s animosity between the original writer and the new guy brought on to fuck up your brilliant screenplay. But not always. David Isaacs and I had an original script rewritten by Cameron Crowe and we became friends with him. (It also helped that we thought he improved our script considerably.)

In television it’s the showrunner and staff that rewrite practically every script. There’s the old adage – “Writing is Rewriting.” What it should really be is – “Writing is Rewriting Someone Else”.

At least no one else rewrites this blog. Although, if that prominent comedy writer did it would be a whole lot funnier, damn him.

Meanwhile, I continue to trample through Australia/New Zealand. A full travelogue will appear once I return home, but I've been posting observations along the way on Twitter. You're welcome to follow me.

The night the last CHEERS aired

2012-01-29T05:55:00.000-08:00

Hello from an ocean (I think). I've been tweeting about the trip should you care. Speaking on our cruise ship about my ersatz career I was asked about the last CHEERS. The night is best remembered for the cast being smashed on the TONIGHT SHOW that followed the finale’s airing. May 20, 1993. Here are my recollections of that night in Boston.

The CHEERS bar you see on television (now called CHEERS but originally named THE BULL & FINCH) is owned by Tom Kershaw. He owns the entire building. Upstairs are lounges and libraries.

The final airing was a national event. Far different from the premiere on September 30, 1982 when the cast and writers had a modest viewing party in the small back room at Chasen’s. We ate chicken pies, watched the show, and left. But for the finale, wow! Honored to say I was present for both.

The festivities began around 7. Thousands of people gathered outside the building and watched the show on two giant Jumbotron TV screens specially set up for the event. My guess is one or both of them are now in Simon Cowell’s living room. It had rained earlier in the day and even the threat of more did not deter the crowds. At most there were drizzles that night. No one was seriously electrocuted.

We were not allowed downstairs in the actual bar. Technicians were setting up for the TONIGHT SHOW. And to be honest, there wasn’t much to see. Unlike the TV show, the real CHEERS bar is tiny. The bar itself is up against the back wall. That night it was filled with thirty guys in T-shirts toting walkie-talkies named Dave.

The party was on the second floor. It was packed with invited guests, VIPS, NBC execs…oh yeah, and a few people who worked on CHEERS. Governor Dukakis was behind me in line at the buffet. Wade Boggs cut in front of me at the bar. I spent some time with Bob Costas who I knew from my sportscasting life. There were so few people he knew in that throng that he was actually happy to hang with me. Large monitors were scattered around the room and this is where most guests watched the show.

On the third floor there were two smaller lounges. That is where the cast, CHEERS people, studio and network honchos watched the program. I was sitting next to NBC Chairman, Bob Wright. Tried to talk him into letting me anchor the Olympics but he didn’t seem to go for it.

Every time there would be a big joke you could hear thousands of people laugh outside the window. Where were they for the AfterMASH premiere?

As the show unfolded the realization that CHEERS was really coming to an end began to hit us. Eleven years of dedicated talented people pouring their hearts into one project. 275 episodes. All the re-takes and rewrites and now all that will be left are reruns.

The show ended at 11. The next half hour was an emotional tsunami. Everyone was hugging and crying and doing a lot of drinking. We were all completely wrecked.

And at the very height of that, a rep from the TONIGHT SHOW popped her head in and said, “Okay, we’re ready.” The cast, in no condition to face anybody much less 40,000,000 dutifully trooped downstairs to do the live show. Us non-celeb types stayed back and watched on TV…in horror. But in fairness, they should not be held accountable for anything they said or did. And I do believe, that Jay’s inexperience with running the show then contributed to the whole thing falling apart. I’ve always maintained that Letterman would have kept things more in control.

When the actors returned they were so blitzed they still didn’t realize what a trainwreck the show was.

Two final memories:

During that emotional half hour from 11-11:30 the thousands of fans in the park remained and cheered. At one point Ted Danson leaned out the window and waved. As a goof I joined him. I said, “I have a feeling you’re the one they’re waving at.” And he said, “Yeah, but a year from now you’ll be working.” Obviously Ted scraped together one or two jobs since that night.

Second memory:

My partner David Isaacs and I have what we call the “Prince of the City” theory. Simply put it means the moment you think you’re hot shit is the moment you will be cut back down to size. It never fails.

So it’s about 2 a.m., I’m walking back to the hotel. It’s a bit chilly, I’m wearing a trench coat to protect against any more rain. And I’m reflecting on the night and how this little show I’ve been involved with had become a national phenomenon. And I allowed myself to think I must be a pretty damn good writer to be a part of it. Just at that moment a passing truck roared through a big puddle and I got completely drenched. I mean, sopping wet, soaked to the bone. And I had to laugh. Hail to thee, Prince of the City.

My mentors

2012-01-28T05:55:00.000-08:00

Great expression in Hollywood: Mentors get eaten by their young.

While there is certainly no shortage of that “All About Eve” type behavior, I must say that for myself, I would never be where I am today were it not for some exceptional mentors. It’s like I learned pitching from a staff of Sandy Koufaxes. (And by the way, happy New Year, Sandy) One reason I started this blog was to be able to give something back. I’m a big believer in “Pay it Forward”. So if any tips I share you find valuable you can thank these people.

Larry Gelbart, Jim Brooks, Allan Burns, the Charles Brothers, Gene Reynolds, Tom Patchett, Jay Tarses, Treva Silverman, and one name you’ve never heard – Bruce Anson. Don’t race to imdb to look him up. He’s not there. Even Googling him will yield no results. (There are others with that name but they’re not him.)

But Bruce Anson taught me more about the craft of writing than all my high school and college teachers combined.

I was a sports intern at KMPC radio in Los Angeles. Bruce was one of their newscasters. He was in his 60s, smoked and drank too much (which I think was a prerequisite for getting hired in that department back then). He had been a booth announcer in the early days of TV and prior to that, network radio. And now he was pulling part-time Sunday night shifts, writing and delivering news twice an hour in between public service programs the station was obligated to run. When he finished at midnight the station went off the air for maintenance. So not exactly prime time.

He’d show up in shorts, loud Hawaiian shirts, and flip flops. Other newsmen reported for work in suits and ties.

My job was to write the sports portion of the newscast. Essentially a rundown of the day’s scores. Northwestern beat Ohio State 23-10, Notre Dame edged Army 21-20, etc. The most creative thing I did was once write: LSU puffed Rice 34-14.

During baseball season all the scores would be final by 6:00. There was no Sunday night baseball. Not even in Texas. The shift was until midnight but most sports interns would write up three sportscasts that could be rotated and went home six hours early. I went to Bruce and asked if I could help write his newscasts. He said, sure, but it’s not as easy as I think.

He was right.

I’d take a story from the United Press International wire, rewrite it, and hand it to Bruce. I assumed he’d say, “Great job. Thank you.”

No.

He said, “This sentence could be cut in half”, “There’s a better way of saying this”, “Use more descriptive words”, “This point should go ahead of that point”, “this phrase is a little confusing.” He’d then take a pen and start rewriting -- slashing words, replacing phrases, making it shorter, punchier, clearer, BETTER.

And so began a weekly pattern that lasted until football season. I would doggedly write story after story determined to just once please that son-of-a-bitch. Finally it happened. A house fire story. I don’t remember the details but I do remember I used the word “blaze”. It aired right before the vasectomy PSA. I was so proud.

Be ruthless. Always look to make it better. Have a little Bruce Anson sitting on your shoulder when you write. Ask him to put out the cigarette though.

I owe Bruce Anson a lot. I thank him for his time, his toughness, his talent. And if he were here today I'm sure he'd say "Isn't all the alliteration a little precious?"

Answering questions and dispelling myths

2012-01-27T05:54:00.000-08:00

Hello from somewhere between Australia and New Zealand. You can follow my progress on Twitter if you're bored enough. Just go here. Never standing down from my blog watch, even from the end of the earth, here are Friday Questions:

RockGolf is up first:

According to EW.com, there are plans underway for a TV series based on Romancing the Stone. Since you & your partner largely re-wrote the script for the original, can see it working as a regular series?

We re-wrote the sequel, JEWEL OF THE NILE. Big difference. I see no reason why it wouldn’t work if they stuck more to the original and less to ours and cast the show well. A romantic-adventure series sounds fun. The hardest part to cast will be Danny DeVito’s character. He added so much to both films. Hey, maybe Danny could just do it himself. He still looks great in a white suit.

birdie wants to know:

Is it true that Alan Alda's (absolutely hilarious) character in Crimes + Misdemeanors was at least partially or loosely based on him? It is listed in the imdb FAQs but you can't always trust those, so I was wondering if you have any additional insight.

No. Not at all. This guy was a pompous egomaniac who took delight in pontificating on comedy despite knowing nothing about it. Alan couldn't be more gracious, humble, and down-to-earth. He never lectured, never threw his weight around. He was a sincere pleasure. Trust me, if Alan were like that character he brilliantly portrayed in CRIMES & MISDEMEANORS, he would have been killed in his dressing room by season four.

LouOCNY asks:

Does every show make a gag reel up, and do some of the stars and crew get a copy of it? Some of them are so classic: the Trek ones, MASH, the LAUGH IN is funnier than the show was - I could watch Arte Johnson riffing dirty on Tyrone Horneigh (thats Hor - NAY) forever...

Most shows prepare gag reels for either their Christmas party or Wrap Party. Generally, they are not meant to be distributed. At one time the show’s editor would just slap together a montage of outtakes. But over time these gag reels became more elaborate, with graphics and themes. On CHEERS, FRASIER, and the shows we ran we always insisted on a montage of all the guest stars that appeared throughout the season, even if they only had one line. And on ALMOST PERFECT we also included shots of every crew member.

But most gag reels are filled with expletives and it’s not fair to the actors to have them released publicly. I have a couple of ours but they're not for release. Just for private viewing and blackmail.

Usually, gag reels that are distributed have been edited to remove any real objectionable material. When you see these Dick Clark blooper shows, you’re seeing just the tip of the iceberg.

That said, I love those blooper shows. The first show I ever directed, a WINGS, Crystal Bernard drops a cake in an outtake. That has been shown numerous times and I get a nice residual check from Dick Clark every airing. Keep showing it! The cake slips out of her hands. It’s hilarious! Other blooper shows should show it too. Or maybe THE SOUP. Anyone who can write a check.

And finally, from Tamara @31dates:

I recently heard an interview on NPR with the founder of M.A.D.D. She was talking about the early days of her non-profit and how she wanted to gain public support. She mentioned that she approached Cheers and that the show helped. Can you share that story? Thanks!

As I recall, the cast did some public service announcements for them. And we made sure our characters always acted in a responsible way. We did whatever we could to champion their very worthwhile cause.

What’s your question? Leave it in the comments section. Thanks! Now I’ve got to get back to looking at...water.

Writing advice you might not want to hear

2012-01-26T05:59:00.000-08:00

Since I can't think of an appropriate photo...

This is one of those Friday Questions that deserves a separate post. It’s from Chad (even though he admits that that is not his real name).

My question is about crafting and selling scripts. You mention that story credit goes to the person who submits the episode outline. I realize this is a necessary part of the process in getting each story told...but I'm not really an outline kind of writer. I jot down some relevant notes/lines/jokes and then head into the first draft, which is where the story really takes shape. Writing the entire story in advance always throws me off because I know that when I get in the groove, it's gonna shift directions easily. So the basic question is, is this practice frowned upon and if so what's your advice on how to amend it?

Chad (or whoever you are) – how can I say this nicely? If you want a career writing for television throw out that shit and become an “outline kind of writer”. Outlines are mandatory.

Let me walk you through the process.

First off, you only have a limited amount of time to tell your story. And you have to tell another story next week. And the week after, and the week after that. You have no time for seeing where the Muse might want to take you.

TV episodes are highly structured. As a showrunner, this is my method and thinking:

Working with the staff, we arrive at a notion we feel would make a good story. We then construct the beats – usually not in a linear way (first this happens, then this, then this, then that, the end). I want to know the act breaks first. I want to know the ending. I want to know where the fun of the story is. I want to know the characters' attitudes. Then we work back from there and fill in the rest.

Then we revise. Is there a better act break? Is there a more inventive ending? Are we getting the most bang for our buck comedy-wise? Is the show too plot driven? Are all the characters well served? Does part of the story work but part still feel undercooked?

In the interest of efficiency and good story telling, I make sure all these questions are answered before someone goes off to write the draft.

Once we’re all happy with the story I ask the writer to give me an outline. Each show is different but I like detailed outlines. 8-12 pages, complete with a lot of suggested jokes.

I give the writer notes on the outline. Sometimes minor, sometimes throwing out whole sections or subplots. If the story changes significantly I request a new outline.

Once the outline has been approved then the writer goes off and does the first draft. Usually under time constraints. But he’s got the story all worked out, the block comedy scenes all in place, and a lot of good jokes.

When my partner and I set out to write an episode, even if we’re the showrunners, we take the time to write an outline for ourselves. We just don’t have the time to feel our way around blind alleys. We can’t count on finding “our groove”.

And now more than ever, outlines are mandatory. Because now stories have to be approved not only by showrunners but by the studio and network as well. I’m not saying that’s a good thing (in fact, it’s not) but hey, that’s the new reality.

I don’t know how Aaron Sorkin or David E. Kelley (pictured right) work. I know they’re very prolific and write scripts very quickly. I suspect they may not work off outlines as lengthy as ours but (a) they still work out the story in some detail first, and (b) they’ve been doing it for so long that they’ve developed internal mechanisms to guide any mid-course corrections. But that comes after years of experience and extraordinary God given talent.

Look, here’s the bottom line: constructing stories is the hardest part of the process. It’s much easier and more fun to just go off writing. So human nature would suggest that if you can skip the hard part why not do it?

Because that method is fraught with traps. It’s inefficient, it’s unreliable, and it’s not collaborative in an industry that is built on collaboration.

So my advice? Learn to outline, and more than that – accept the process. It’s here to stay. And you know what? It’s a bitch, but it works.

Is anybody really listening?

2012-01-25T05:55:00.000-08:00

When network ratings are low we always joke that “no one is watching”. And by nobody we mean probably a million. And yes, when that number was more like fifteen million for even low rated shows, one million seems paltry. On a smaller scale is radio. Even when you’re a small station playing informercials for colon cleanser you always assume there is somebody listening.

This theory has been put to the test.

Back in 1988 I was broadcasting minor league baseball for the mighty Syracuse Chiefs (the then-AAA affiliate of the Toronto Blue Jays). I had a great partner, Dan Hoard (now the voice of the Cincinnati Bengals and U. of Cincinnati) and a truly horrible radio station. Our signal was so bad at night that you couldn’t hear it in parts of the ballpark. Eventually the team sought a better station, but in my year fans would move from section 30 to section 6 to hear us once the sun went down.

During one roadtrip we traveled to Denver to play the equally-mighty Zephyrs (this was before the Rockies). The venue was the old Mile High Stadium. The park sat 70,000. For Zephyr games against us they drew maybe 2,000. So the stadium looked completely empty every game.

There was no baseball pressbox per se. They just stuck us in a luxury booth near home plate. And that was fine. There was more than enough room. But there were three rows of seats behind us and the team sold those. So there were paying customers in the broadcast booth constantly telling us to shut up. "Hey, we paid ten dollars for these seats!"

One of the games became a marathon. We were in maybe the 14th inning. It must’ve been 1:00 AM in Denver. The fans in the rows behind had long since left. Dan was doing the play-by-play that inning. He wondered out loud how many people were listening. He said, “Tell ya what, if you’re listening right now call the station (he gave out the number) and we’ll give you two free tickets to an upcoming Chiefs game!” I was waving, “Stop! Don’t do this! This can't end well.” It was 3:00 AM in Syracuse. But Dan went ahead.

You can probably guess how many calls we got. None. Zero. Zilch. The big goose egg. Despite several mentions (bordering on pleading).

Sometimes when someone says no one is listening, they’re RIGHT.

Oh… and when the game was over – we then had to do a half hour postgame show. Needless to say, we really gave it our all.

Hello from Melbourne, by the way. For updates on my journey I invite you to follow me on Twitter. Just go here. Thanks.

R.I.P. Dick Tufeld

2012-01-24T05:53:00.000-08:00

One of the great all-time voices has been silenced. Dick Tufeld passed away. For many years in the 50’s & 60’s he was the voice of Disney, a gazillion movie trailers, two gazillion variety shows, and the Academy Awards. He would always finish the closing announcements and say, “This is Dick Tufeld speaking.” I’m sure many people thought “Speaking” was his last name and “Tufeld” his middle.

You might know him as the voice of the robot in LOST IN SPACE. No one ever made more money saying, “Danger! Danger!”

He was a longtime friend of the family. Only once did I impose upon his talent. Back in college a friend and I tried to put together a syndicated radio series – one hour profiles of singing stars. Forget that we had no idea how to market or distribute these. But we put together a demo. I wrote the script. We needed someone to voice it. This was a program we had hoped to sell to major stations of the day like KMPC Los Angeles and WNEW New York. We couldn’t just grab some skeesix who worked at Shakey’s and whose sum total of broadcast experience was, “Number twelve, your pizza’s ready!”

So I called Dick. Asked if he’d do it as a favor. We had no money to offer but promised him a partnership. Even at the time he had to know he his chances of making a dime were the same as being hit by a meteor. But he agreed to do it anyway.

I booked a session in a recording studio, Dick arrived (on time), scanned the script, said “Okay, let’s try one.” For the next two hours he voiced the copy. And not only was he effortlessly magnificent, he could not have been more professional. He would ask if we wanted something a different way. He would do multiple takes until he was satisfied. Did we have any notes? As if some 19 year-old pisher is going to tell Dick Tufeld how to read a line.

Trust me, a lot of big time voice-over guys would have blown in, said, rushed through the script in one take, and split before the engineer could hit the “stop” button on the tape recorder. Not Dick. He treated this and us as if it were the General Motors campaign.

The project went nowhere. But years later when I was doing BIG WAVE DAVE’S we needed a voice-over for one line. I called Dick. He did it. It took two minutes, and we paid him a thousand dollars. I told him it was the profits on syndicated show. Watch out for meteors.

In a very transient business he worked for over half a century. Why? Because he was the best at what he did, and equally important over time -- he was the best person at what he did.

The only thing more beautiful than his voice was the man himself. I will miss him. The next time God needs an introduction it will be Dick Tufeld Speaking.

Short-sighted casting

2012-01-23T05:57:00.000-08:00

In a follow up to a Friday Question from ChicagoJohn (who wondered if we had ever passed on an actor who later became a big star and did we have any regrets?), a few more names have come to mind.

And one rather unusual incident. Especially in light of my post on how difficult it is to land a part in a TV series.

Like I had said, when you pass on good actors it’s generally because they’re just not right for the particular roles.

We passed on Lisa Edelstein (but hired her for something else). We passed on one actress but made a note that she’s really funny and we should definitely keep her in mind for something else. That was Jane Lynch. Whatever happened to her?

And then there are the actors we wanted to hire but didn’t get approved by the network. I won’t mention their names because I don’t want to embarrass any of them. Although examples of network gross misjudgment is legendary. At one time Tom Cruise, Madonna, and Tim Robbins were all not approved for projects. And George Clooney was not approved numerous times.

One actor we wanted to hire backed out when he found out it wasn’t a pilot but a series. He was just looking to make a big pay day on a failed pilot and then move on. When he learned this was a series and an actual commitment he ran for the hills.

Again, no names, but in one case we wrote a character with a specific actor in mind. We were thrilled that the actor agreed to meet with us. And he read it just the way we pictured it. But once we heard it we thought we could do better.

But the strangest incident was this: We were casting AfterMASH. Martin Short came in to read and was wonderful. Too wonderful.

We took him aside and said, “Look, if you want the part, it’s yours. But honestly, this role might be too restrictive for you. You’re too talented and funny for this part. We’re not sure you’d really be happy. Again, if you want it, it’s yours. We’d love to have you. And it is a regular on a (then) prestigious network series. But you might be better served elsewhere.”

He passed. We wound up eliminating the character.

Actors always talk about regretting the parts they declined. I bet there are quite a few examples of actors regretting the parts they did accept. You’re welcome, Martin.

Great letter from Eric Stonestreet

2012-01-22T05:52:00.000-08:00

A post I wrote a couple of years ago about how tough it is for actors to get cast in TV series has suddenly gone viral. Here's the post entitled Guys are not going to want to f**k her. Among the comments I received a fabulous one from Eric Stonestreet -- Cam on MODERN FAMILY, so I thought I'd share it. Thanks, Eric. Continued success to you and every actor trying to realize their dream.

I have read this and passed it along to other actor friends ever since you wrote it. It is such a great read and is so accurate.

I honestly lost count of how many jobs I didn't get through the years because no one thought anyone would ever wanna fuck me. Let's just say, for argument sake, it was EVERY job.

I hope what an actor takes when reading this is; so much is out of our hands. And to focus ONLY on the things that ARE in our control: The prep we put in, the read we give, the time we respect, and the courtesy we show each other.

It was 12 years before I got the job I have now. I know some have gotten breaks in a shorter time and I know very talented actors who have yet to get their break. Whatever the case, if the passion is there, keep up the fight. I am proof it can happen.

And I have taken your advice Ken. I go to the parties, do the photo shoots, do the parades, and fly on the company jet.(once) I'm enjoying the ride because I know one day it will all be over and then no one will wanna fuck me again.

Best,
Eric Stonestreet

The No-Frills Airline

2012-01-21T05:55:00.000-08:00

After flying fourteen hours to Sydney, this seemed very appropriate. Talk about being ahead of their time -- this is a sketch from THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW from either the late '60s or early '70s. It stars Carol, Harvey Korman, and the incomparable Tim Conway. And they thought they were exaggerating.

Friday Questions from down under

2012-01-20T05:55:00.000-08:00

Hello from Sydney, where I think it’s Friday Question Day. I am so jet lagged. I have no idea what day it is. Hopefully these answers make sense.

Anonymous starts us off (please leave your name):

Hi Ken! I have a "Cheers" question I'm hoping you can answer. Were the writers the ones who first came up with Diane's "Norman!" after everybody else says "Norm!" or did Shelley improv it?

That’s something Shelley came up herself and it just kind of stuck. Her calling Norm & Cliff by their more formal names is Diane’s way of separating herself from them. It’s just a little character moment the actress found; a throwaway line really. Shelley Long was so brilliant in that role, and a lot of the touches she brought to the character were so subtle you couldn’t really see them, but they added such warmth, and dimension, and humor to Diane Chambers. I’m in awe of her talent.

From Kirk:

Am currently reading a biography of Howard Cosell. As a sportscaster yourself, what did you think of him?

An insufferable gasbag and I would give anything to have him back today. In an age of generic sportscasters, Cosell was a breath of fresh air. If only I didn't hate him when I had the chance.

Howard Cosell was really a sign-of-the-times. In his day no one was more famous. Today, unless you’re over 40 you have no idea who he was. I wonder if anyone will remember Simon Cowell in 50 years. Or Paula Abdul in five.

Richard Y wonders:

How far back into your daily blog do you go and read the comments? That is do you find yourself going back 2 or 3 days to catchup and/or for that perfect Friday Question?

Every comment gets emailed to me. I read every one. I cut and paste Friday questions into a separate file so I don’t lose them. I may throw in an extra Question day now and again because I'm starting to fall a little behind and want to answer as many of your questions as I can.

Even if you comment on something in the archives from four years ago I will see and read it.

Half the fun of this blog is reading all of your comments. Well, maybe not half. But at least three-eighths.

From Tim Jones:

I'm a real tv trivia hound, and I've come up against an enigma the solution to which is apparently so trivial as to have vanished altogether. However, in a last ditch effort, I was directed to Mr. Levine's blog as to the horse's mouth.

Here's the question: Who is the handsome blonde woman who is seen in the background of many Cheers and Frasier episodes. In Cheers, she appears most often as a bar patron, in Frasier as a KACL employee, although sometimes as a Cafe Nervosa patron. The secret of her identity must have been an inside joke with the cast of Frasier because in one episode Roz, while celebrating their return to the air, simply refers to her as "You."

I'd be forever in the debt of Mr. Levine or anyone else who can reveal the identity of this extremely ubiquitous but unknown extra.

According to FRASIER First AD, Steven Pomeroy her name is Joan Carey. Thanks, Steve!

From Chris:

When a writer gets hired on a show, who is the actual employer, who does the writer have the work contract with?

The studio producing the show. But most studios are owned by networks… although not necessarily the network you’re doing the show for. MODERN FAMILY for example, is through 20th Century Fox, owned by Fox but for ABC.

It can get confusing. Just make sure someone pays you.

What’s your question? Leave it in the comments section. I will read it. Thanks.

Why I love LA!

2012-01-19T05:55:00.002-08:00

There are maps to the stars homes (even though most of the stars have long since moved or died, or both), tours of Hollywood studios, tours of Hollywood, tours of “old Hollywood”, tours of Beverly Hills, even tours of Hollywood cemeteries. But now comes the best! And this is not a joke. This is REAL.

You can now tour LA’s slums. That’s right. See the street gangs, crime, squalor, graffiti, and violence that marks tropical South Central. I’m not making this up!

An enterprising company is now offering bus tours of the inner city. Driver Alfred Lomas, who is a former gang member, takes you through a guided tour of his crib. Other former gang members are on board with you. You can get your picture taken with one, but he probably charges more if you want to hold his AK47.

Now, correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t vicious street gangs somewhat particular about who enters their territory? So the Crips and Bloods will literally kill each other if they should enter their neighborhood, but it’s okay for tourists from Iowa to swing by?

“Hey motherfuckers, please check out our visitors center/gift shop, next to the roped off crime scene.”

Who needs to write satire when stuff like this actually occurs? Lomas wanted to offer T-shirts reading “I Got Shot in South Central” after the riders would have been shot with water guns. But for some inexplicable reason he scrapped the idea.

Among the stops are the Los Angeles River, which contains more graffiti than water, and the Los Angeles County Jail, where 120,000 gang members have visited at the state’s request. I’m not sure if the home where Marvin Gaye was shot by his father is on the tour but it should be. And what about the house where Patty Hearst’s captives were sprayed with bullets? If I’m paying good money for a tour it’s not enough to see some graffiti and a drive-by murder.

And you're not allowed off the bus. You can't shoot hoops with members of the Florencia 13 gang.

Again, true fact: Passengers must sign a release form stating that the tour is inherently dangerous. This eliminates the possibility of any Jews ever signing up, and it cuts in half the number of Girl Scout troops who would do this as a field trip.

But this is just one more reason why I love this town. I think Frank Lloyd Wright put it best:

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

I land today in Australia. Okay,Sydney, I challenge you -- I hope your ferries and beaches and opera house and world-class attractions can stack up to Compton.

Bon voyage, dear readers

2012-01-18T18:00:00.000-08:00

Heading off tonight to Australia. I feel very safe seeing that Olivia Newton-John is flying the plane. My wife and I will be spending the weekend in Sydney. Then boarding a cruise ship for a two week jaunt to Melbourne, Tasmania, and various stops in New Zealand. I’m guessing harbor towns. Fortunately, the ship is not going anywhere near Giglio so we should be relatively okay. Still – movies I’m avoiding on the flight over are THE TITANIC, THE POSIEDAN ADVENTURE, the remake of THE POSEIDEN ADVENTURE (I’d avoid that one anyway), and SHIP OF FOOLS. But I will be watching NIGHT AT THE OPERA, THE LADY EVE, and season two of THE LOVE BOAT.

Blog posts will continue as always. I can be opinionated from anywhere. And a travelogue will follow when I return home. And (assuming there’s wifi) I will be tweeting my observations and whereabouts along the way. So if you don’t already, I invite you to follow me on Twitter. Just go here or click on the Twitter icon along the right hand side. I promise to only tweet fun stuff. Who gives a shit what I have for breakfast?

If you’re also on this cruise, I’ll be speaking on television and baseball, so if the origami classes fill-up stop by.

Thanks again to everybody for your suggestions. Without you I never would have known about these great bars, eateries, and the sex & death museum.

Behave yourselves while I’m gone. Talk to you from Oz.

Comedy sluts on parade

2012-01-18T05:54:00.000-08:00

This is what happens when all the networks chase the same idea.

This year’s sitcom notion de jour is the crude girl – a female lead who is crass and edgy and hateful (within the bounds of network acceptability so adorably hateful). They’re jumping on the feature bandwagon. BAD TEACHER, YOUNG ADULT, and whatever that goofy thing was with Julia Roberts showing her tart and cynical side (that no one believed for a second).

TV comedy has sure come a long way from Mary Tyler Moore and Elizabeth Montgomery to Whitney Cummings and Chelsea Handler.

CBS was first out of the box with 2 BROKE GIRLS. This show has the advantage of funny likeable Kat Dennings and its time slot. 2BG is the perfect complement to TWO AND A HALF MEN. Penis jokes segued neatly into vagina jokes.

FOX hedged their bet with NEW GIRL. Zooey Deschanel is more quirk than snark.

NBC charged forth with WHITNEY. Stand up comedienne Whitney Cummings, who also co-created 2 BROKE GIRLS, was promoted as NBC’s next big thing. Here in LA you couldn’t swing a dead cat without hitting a Whitney billboard or bus board.

And despite the full-court print and on-air press, WHITNEY has not caught on. In fairness, the show has gotten better and personally I really like the boyfriend. But this is not a hit despite NBC giving it a full-season order. They gave OUTSOURCED a full-season order last year.

Networks play around with numbers. For example: last week -- WHITNEY (2.1/5, 6.1 million) was down 9% from the debut of UP ALL NIGHT in the same time period in September but up 11% from WHITNEY’S most recent Thursday telecast December 8. Up 9%, down 11% -- significant numbers except you’re talking about 5 and 6 shares. Big difference in being up 9% if you start at a 19 share than a 5.

And then last week ARE YOU THERE, CHELSEA? premiered. Here’s how committed to the frat boy with tits concept NBC was: They picked up the series, then replaced three regular cast members and changed the title. Now that alone doesn’t spell doom. Shows get redeveloped and recast all the time and quite frequently the changes are big improvements. They were in this case. But it’s a warning sign. And it must really irk those creators of the other NBC pilots that didn’t get picked up in favor of…elements of a Chelsea Handler project.

Why does this happen you might ask? Sometimes it’s because the network really wants to be in business with a person. This year it’s Chelsea Handler. I wouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t have peacock feathers coming out of her ass. But if in three years the trend is virginal Christian girls, Chelsea couldn’t get on the NBC lot if she were in the presidential motorcade. Who remembers Margaret Cho?

NBC paired CHELSEA with WHITNEY, which makes complete sense since they share the same sensibility. The all Chlamydia hour. But it’s almost impossible to launch a new show behind another new show. Especially one that starts with a 5 share. Plus, it’s on at 8:30. This is not 8:30 subject matter. So why don’t they schedule WHITNEY/CHELSEA for 9:00? Because they would be up against MODERN FAMILY and would get slaughtered. And guess what? AMERICAN IDOL is back.

CHELSEA did okay in its debut. And by okay I mean 2.3/6 in adults 18-49, and 6.4 million total viewers. That’s better than the FREE AGENTS’ debut in the fall (1.3/4, 3.9 million), but who are we kidding? Those are low numbers. It’s like substituting a ballplayer with a .167 average over one hitting .083 and thinking you’ve solved your lineup problem.

And let’s see how they do tonight in their second week. I hope okay. I'm friends with several of their writers and wish them well.

Don’t think ABC hasn’t chased this slut girl trend. They have their own psycho B--. DON’T TRUST THE B—IN APARTMENT 23. Trashy skank girl takes in wholesome Midwestern roommate. Hilarity ensues. Hilarity example: The guy in the next apartment can look right into their kitchen window. So he watches them and publicly masturbates.

How similar is this to 2 BROKE GIRLS? The pilot stories are THE SAME. Midwest girl thinks slut slept with her boyfriend. Only the cave of wonder jokes are different.

DON’T TRUST THE B—IN APARTMENT 23 premieres in April. But ABC is launching it behind MODERN FAMILY at 9:30 so yes, the network doesn’t think it’s good enough to debut in mid-season, but they are still willing to give it a decent shot. Yet there is the compatibility issue. A lot of families gather together to watch MODERN FAMILY. Imagine them ten minutes later watching a guy jack off. That’s a Waltons Moment to be sure!

And all the while, COMMUNITY and COUGAR TOWN remain on the shelf.

Like all trends, this one will run its course. There will be one or two winners and next year it’s onto something else. But the networks might be worried. I’m sure they figured that yes the zeitgeist changes from year to year but they always had vagina jokes. You can’t miss with vagina jokes. And now if vagina jokes are getting a 5 share, then truly, what is left for broadcast television?

Wanna take a guess on which network will be the first to show one?

From Golden Globes to Giant Breasts

2012-01-17T05:56:00.000-08:00

Ken Levine wants you to stop staring at Elizabeth’s breasts

This was a headline I saw recently. It seems the other Ken Levine (the successful one) who created BioShock Infinite, has a character in his very cool new video game named Elizabeth who has a boffo rack. This apparently has caused quite a stir among fanboys. Really guys? You’ve never seen large animated breasts before?

The me who’s not me says he never gave it much thought, and frankly the me who is me hasn’t either. Ken thinks the internet might be too hung up on this. And I have to agree with me… me being him.

I'm reminded of an incident when I was doing a pilot. We got a network note that our leading lady’s breasts were too large and were distracting. Yeah, like we could go back to the writers room and just fix that.

But the network took this very seriously. Camera angles were discussed, wardrobe options reviewed, everything short of surgery – this insane conference lasted half an hour. Highly-paid, well-educated broadcast executives debating an actresses' "Golden Globes" size. For thirty minutes.

By the way, you’d think they’d want them big. No wonder they were the last place network back then (and now, coincidentally).

Ultimately, we did nothing. I made sure she didn’t wear tassels, but otherwise we shot the show as is. And the result? The network didn’t pick us up. Instead they ordered a variety/sketch show starring a Japanese singing group that performed comedy bits in broken English. Our show was better. Our script was far better. So why did they get on the air and we didn’t? Here’s the only explanation I can think of:

I know I’m speaking for Ken Levines everywhere when I say –

If Elizabeth’s tits are too large for you move farther back from the monitor.

My review of the Golden Globes

2012-01-16T05:55:00.000-08:00

So that was the big deal? Eddie Murphy jokes? Thirty-year-old Madonna “Like a Virgin” jabs? Mel Gibson shots? Justin Bieber zingers? Wow! No sacred cow was spared. Not James Cameron, Adam Sandler, not even Kim Kardashian! After staging a full-on media blitz to proclaim how daring and offensive he planned to be, Ricky Gervais was a giant bust. MODERN FAMILY’s Steve Levitan was funnier in his three-minute acceptance speech than Gervais was the entire night.

For all the promise that this was going to be the best Golden Globes ever, it still fell way short of 2008, which is still its pinnacle. (That’s the year the show was canceled due to the Writers Guild Strike.)

What we were left with was a smug host who most Americans still only know as “Who is that guy?”, nominated movies that aren’t even playing in 90% of the country, and shots of Dustin Hoffman falling asleep in the audience.

I was very glad THE ARTIST won. If it ever comes to your town go to the one theater showing it and get tickets. It’s easy to see why the Foreign Press loves it so. It’s an American film not in English.

Let’s face it, people watch this egopalooza to see their favorite stars. That’s why the Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy category was so exciting this year. Which one of these household names did you root for? Shailene Woodley, Octavia Spencer, Janet McTeer, Jessica Chastain, or Berenice Bejo?

Personally, I was thrilled Octavia Spencer won for THE HELP. The first part of her speech was very touching. The last ten minutes when she thanked everyone but Cedric the Entertainer was insufferable.

The big highlight for me was HOMELAND’S Morena Baccarin. I’ve never seen a gown that was both backless and frontless. She has now starred in the TV series and dress named V.

More on the ceremony in a moment, but first a look back at NBC’s Red Carpet Arrival Show. First, it started without sound. Then it was hosted by the least talented person on the planet – Carson Daly. When interviewing Leo DiCaprio he had to look down at his card before asking the following question: “So how are you doin’?” Why is this lox on TV? I never got the names of his two magpie co-hosts (because there was no sound). I just know they were Natalie (?) and Jeannie (?).

Natalie (?) asked everyone the same question. “Are you nervous?” But unlike Carson, did it without the benefit of a card. Seth Rogen said to Jeannie (?) “I’ll just read exactly what’s on the teleprompter” to which she replied, “Right. Free styling it.”

There must be a Red Carpet Interviewer IQ test and if you score higher than 60 you’re disqualified.

The ceremony itself was held in the glittering Beverly Hilton Hotel Ballroom, site of the Temple Emmanuel Purim Ball.

Did HOMELAND win because it is the best drama on television or because it originally was an Israeli show and there’s that foreign connection? I was surprised OUTSOURCED wasn’t named best TV comedy.

As usual, the TV awards went to slumming movie stars. Kate Winslet and Laura Dern each got their third Globe, and Jessica Lange copped her fifth. If Tina Fey and Amy Poehler want to win for Best TV Comedy they need to do WAR HORSE II first.

Rob Lowe and Julianne Moore had to vamp when their teleprompter malfunctioned. Lowe handled it deftly, ad libbing, “When was the last time you did a cold reading in front of Steven Spielberg?” Carson Daly in the same situation vomits on himself.

My daughter Annie thought Charlize Theron’s dress got caught in her underwear.

Do seat fillers get to eat the meals of the people they're substituting for?

Dustin Hoffman is starting to look like Bob Uecker.

I love Clair Danes. If you haven’t seen HOMELAND, add that to THE ARTIST, LUTHER, BOSS, EPISODES, A SEPARATION, and all the other Golden Globe winning projects you haven’t seen.

Seth Rogen paid his co-presenter, Kate Beckinsale, the ultimate compliment. He announced he had an “enormous erection”. That’s his idea of just reading the teleprompter?

When Ludovic Bourne won Best Original Score for THE ARTIST, I was hoping he’d thank Kim Novak in his acceptance speech.

Debra Messing came as Tin Tin.

Tilda Swinton came as David Bowie.

Another deserving winner was Asghar Farhadi for A SEPARATION, although Annie's writing partner Jon called out, “Okay, Iran, we gave you a Golden Globe. Give us back our drone!”

With big stars like Brad Pitt and Natalie Portman in the audience, why were they cutting to Piper Perabo for reaction shots?

Since Steven Spielberg and Martin Scorsese were there the HFPA had to give them awards. Same for Madonna, George Clooney, and Meryl Streep. Otherwise they end up with the stars of MR. POPPER’S PENGUINS and the cast of SUBURGATORY.

And Meryl darling, you had more than enough time before the get-off music started. You have more people to thank? Thank them next month when you win something else.

There was some debate at our house whether Jessica Biel came in her wedding dress or bubble wrap.

Who was more revved up on stage, the dog from THE ARTIST who was humping legs or Jimmy Fallon? Both needed leashes.

They keep touting BRIDESMAIDS as a serious Oscar contender, but all you ever hear about the movie is that women shit all over themselves.

A lot of actresses look like they’d been hit by a car. Reese Witherspoon had been hit by a car and looked exquisite.

Nice tribute to Morgan Freeman. He’s made 50 movies. In half of them Ashley Judd gets kidnapped.

Sidney Poitier’s introduction to Morgan was elegant. Helen Mirran’s was balloon juice. Annie kept yelling, “Un-knight her!”

Kenneth Branagh was nominated for playing Sir. Lawrence Olivier who once won a Golden Globe and the statuette literally broke apart in his hand during his acceptance speech.

Since Leo DiCaprio was there for J. EDGAR, Annie's partner Jon thought it would have been great if he had shown up in a gown.

Wow! THE ARTIST’S Berenice Bejo is beautiful in color.

The ceremony took place one mile from my house. Albert Brooks should have known he wouldn’t win when his table was on our front lawn.

After the Tim Tebow debacle on Saturday, Jesus Christ was no longer on the guest list of the Weinstein Co. after party.

Jessica Lange's hair looked like a Monet haystack. She thanked all the writers, which she should, since they’re killing off every character on her show but her.

Paula Patton looked like the world’s yummiest yellow Peep.

Happy that Matt LeBlanc won. Not surprised though because it was for a show made in England. But he was very funny and showed more range playing himself than I thought he had.

Instead of screeners, voters got vouchers for free appetizers at Jennifer Lopez’s Madre restaurant in Pasadena.

70 year-old Jane Fonda looked spectacular. I love the new hip, Janie!

The Golden Globes are the only award show where Maggie Smith and Sofia Vergara are nominated in the same category.

Madonna is starting to look like a female impersonator.

Glad she took shots back at Ricky Gervais. No witty retort from him of course. He was probably too busy offstage writing an article for ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY about how fearless he is.

Angelina Jolie looked chic and stunning. I loved the patterned sleeves. Oh wait. Those were tattoos.

Madonna beat Glenn Close for Best Song. How does that happen???

And then Glenn lost to Meryl Streep. Considering the part, Ms. Close would have had a much better chance if she put herself up in the Best Actor category.

Congratulations to Kelsey Grammer who won for that show he’s on on the network no one can get. I’m sure he was very deserving. He’s a gifted actor. But the STARZ network has eleven subscribers total in all of America. So did he win on merit or because ex-wife Camille was so rude to all the voting members of the Foreign Press when they waited on her at Jerry’s Deli?

And did THE DESCENDENTS win for Best Drama because it’s set in Hawaii and many foreign voters didn’t realize Hawaii is part of the United States?

So ended another endless Golden Globes ceremony, filled with tedium, Harvey Weinstein, and Jodie Foster beaver jokes. I’m guessing Ricky Gervais won’t be asked back. Knowing the Academy, next year’s host will be Carson Daly.

On to the Oscars!

Getting you ready for the Golden Globes

2012-01-15T05:57:00.000-08:00

The Golden Globes are tonight. I will be reviewing them. I consider it a warm-up for when I review a real awards show -- the Oscars. But to get you in the mood, here's my review from several years ago.

It’s okay that you didn’t see the show, remember the show or the movies involved. The really famous targets are ageless.

It's the lid lifter to the 2004 Awards season, beginning with the show where the awards can be bought -- the Golden Globes. Winners are selected by the "foreign Press" meaning your busboys at Jerry's Deli. To put the Golden Globes in perspective, Pia Zadora won one. Jaimie Lee Curtiss once threw a big brunch at her house for the "Foreign Press" and copped a best actress award.

They are presented at a hotel owned by Merv Griffin and televised tape delayed to Hollywood with Dick Clark as producer. All meals are prepared on a George Foreman grill. (Note: this year they're not tape delayed to the west coast. We'll be ignoring them LIVE.)

The big incentive for stars to attend is that they do provide dinner. And they can thank the busboys for voting for them.

Three weeks ago I was in that same ballroom to attend a gala dinner honoring the Chairman of Fox Television. Two days later he was fired. It's clearly where Hollywood goes to express its sincere gratitude.

Where else can you see Clint Eastwood and the Queer Eye guys considered peers?

Always glad to see Barbra Streisand...when she doesn't have to talk. And I loved her sheepskin gown. Last worn by Sonny Bono in 1965. Notice how they showed Babs on camera fifty times and her husband (a nominee) maybe twice?

Great that Anthony LaPaglia won...on NBC. This is the same network that refused to approve him for the co-starring role in the short-lived comedy, KRISTIN. Judging by the shot of his wife falling out of her dress, he already has two golden globes.

When Francis Conroy is not the most obscure actor to win an award you know you're in trouble.

Other than Rene Zellweger, none of the other Best Supporting Actresses were in movies that played anywhere other than art houses. What a surprise that she won. The FP loves her. She eats out a lot.

When Rene Zellweger actually thanks the guy who makes sure she doesn't lose anything in her purse then you know these people are taking themselves just a tad too seriously.

The theme this year was "lessons". Every actor learned a "lesson" from either their director or family or guy who made sure they didn't lose anything in their purse.

I'm sorry Diane Lane lost. Stop blaming her for JUDGE DREDD.

How many times did you scream "Get Off!!!" during actors' acceptance speeches? I stopped counting at ten.

Diane Keaton actually prepared that hideous, rambling, incoherent speech of hers. We get it. You're old.

Jaimie Lee Curtiss should have hosted a brunch this year. But it's an honor just to be nominated.

Pacino is starting to look like Frank Zappa. And sound like him. What the hell was his speech about? Even he got lost. I was impressed however, that he acknowledged his twins and actually knew their names.

THE LORD OF THE RINGS TRILOGY did so well I say it's time for a sequel.

Peter Jackson, its director, forgot to thank the talking tree.

Can you imagine if Sofia Coppola had beaten out Peter Weir, Peter Jackson, and Clint Eastwood? Notice how Jackson acknowledged all of his fellow nominees except Coppola? So Coppola and the talking tree both got dissed.

All five Best Actress nominees were blondes. The foreign press loves that exotic American look.

Charlize Theron won for a great performance. Who knew she could play ugly?

For the eleventh straight awards show Jim Carrey wasn't funny. And for the eleventh straight awards show he thought he killed.

LOST IN TRANSLATION -- Best COMEDY??? Good movie but excuse me, aren't comedies supposed to be funny? I guess when you work the back sink at Jerry's nothing is funny.

Anyone know anything about Australia or New Zealand?

2012-01-14T05:56:00.000-08:00

G’day, mate. For all you Australia & New Zealand readers, I’ll be heading your way later this week. I’m speaking on a cruise ship that goes from Sydney to Auckland. I’m very excited. Never been to that part of the world before. The Outback Steakhouse doesn’t count.

So today as I gear up for reviewing tomorrow night’s Golden Globes (making snarky comments about everything as a warm-up exercise), I thought I’d reach out to you guys for sightseeing and eats recommendations.

I’ll be spending three days in Sydney, two in Melbourne then it’s off to Hobart, Tasmania before cruising on to New Zealand.

Then it’s on to places I’ve heard of but know little about. Timaru, Akaroa, Wellington, Tauranga, and on Feb.7th I have a whole day in Auckland after the ship dumps us all off.

I’m not a climb to the peak of a 10,000-foot mountain kind of guy. Nor am I a visit ancient churches and graveyards sort of fun devil. And if there’s a Universal Studios Citywalk or Legoland in Akaroa, not interested in seeing those either. I’m big on people watching, eating, drinking, bargains, and discovering odd attractions.

I also get lost easily.

Any thoughts, suggestions, warnings would be appreciated. I’ve always depended on the kindness of strangers. As they say in Australia: Thank you.

Friday (the 13th) Questions

2012-01-13T05:55:00.000-08:00

It’s not just Friday Question Day. It’s Friday the 13th Question Day. Don’t read while operating heavy equipment.

Andy Ihnatko starts us off:

Thomas Lennon and Robert Ben Garant's book about screenwriting mentions an dirty trick: an unscrupulous screenwriter hired to polish the seventh draft might change the name of a central character, just so that later on, he can claim co-screenwriter credit even though all he did was make some basic tweaks and trims.

What other ways do screenwriters sometimes game the system to either get more credit or even just protect their contributions?

They change genders of the main characters. They change locations. They capriciously change dialogue but characters essentially say the same thing. Most arbitrators easily see through these transparent alterations. And if not, the original writer is more than happy to point them out in his statement.

Dan Tedson asks:

In general, what months do staff writers work through the year? Is it 6 months on, 6 months off, that sort of thing?

We should be so lucky. Usually the writing staff will assemble around Memorial Day. They’ll work on stories and scripts and production begins around the beginning of August. Depending on the show (half hour/hour, single/multi camera) a full season could end anywhere from March till the end of April.

So it’s more like a month or two off, not six. Think of an NBA season if you go deep into the playoffs. And when shows are in production it’s not unusual for writing staffs to work weekends and late nights.

From Matt:

I'm getting started as a comedy writer and I want to be versatile. One of the things I've noticed is that a lot of comedy writers know how to write everything from one-liners to sketch to half-hours to full screenplays.

A lot of the same rules apply to multiple formats, but I'm wondering, what "rules" do different formats have? How do you view them differently?

The only rule that covers all of those formats is you have to be really funny. Otherwise, I’d say versatility is fine but when starting out concentrate on one format, learn its rules and head in that direction. Especially if you don't know the rules. Take classes, read books, and follow relevant blogs.

It's hard enough to master one format, much less three or four.

Agents, should you be lucky enough to get one, need to know how to sell you. They generally don’t take the scattershot approach. You’re either a TV writer or a screenwriter or a sketch writer. So decide which form is right for you and focus on that. Once you establish yourself you can spread your wings and show your versatility.

Collin wonders:

How do shows, once shot and edited, get to the network? Also, do they go to New York or LA? Did you ever have a show you work on have an episode get lost or damaged on its way to the network?

Networks provide very specific formats. They tell you what to deliver, in what format, and how many copies. Likewise, they tell you exactly how long the show can be, and what the delivery deadline is.

Each network has different requirements but I believe you can turn it in to LA or NY depending on where your show originates from. It’s so easy today to beam shows around the world instantly. And because they’re digital, there is no loss of quality from generation to generation. But unless things have changed, someone hand delivers the material to the network.

Usually the line producer or someone from the production screens the final version one last time before sending it to the network. And every so often a mistake is caught and last minute scrambling has to occur. I remember once on AfterMASH they forgot to include credits and had to race to correct in time (although in this case, we might have preferred no credits).

Line producers do a spectacular job and are usually taken for granted. But they have to check on so many things – sound, color balance, mix, music, and editing. A million details.

And I don’t know if this is true anymore but when we delivered a show way back in ancient times (mid ‘90s) we had to leave space for the commercials, so those had to be built in as well.

What's your question? Please leave it in the comment section. And Happy Friday the 13th.

In defense of Diablo Cody

2012-01-12T05:55:00.000-08:00

I love when blog posts generate other blog posts. My review of YOUNG ADULT prompted reader Tim W. to write this:

You should do a blog post in defense of Diablo Cody. What seems to be the biggest complaint among her detractors is that her dialogue is not realistic and too stylized. That bothers me because there are few writers that actually seem to have a unique voice and when one does, they get jumped on.

I’m not opposed to stylized writing at all. But for many writers it’s a double-edged sword. They get discovered because they have a unique voice, but if that’s the only style they can write in they run the risk that the style goes out of style and they can’t adjust. How often have you seen this in rock bands? How are all the Disco groups doing these days?

At the moment Diablo Cody is very much in favor (despite my disappointment at YOUNG ADULT). She was nominated for a WGA Award the very day I panned her movie (proving again – what do I know?). I personally like her style. I loved JUNO. This was my review. And then I had some fun imaging the notes Diablo Cody would receive from a typical studio executive. You can find that here.

The big knock is that all of her characters sound alike and that’s true. Going in you have to know you’ll be watching a very stylized movie – the same way you would going into a Coen Brothers or Tim Burton film. Or a movie musical. You sacrifice realism, which can make the movie special and unique or kill it. You could get ROGER RABBIT or HOWARD THE DUCK.

All of David Mamet’s characters sound alike. Same with Harold Pinter’s. And Larry Gelbart’s. To me that's a good thing. If the writing is good.

Do you like the TV version of MASH? That was all Larry. I think we’d all agree that no one talks like those zany medicos at the 4077th.. We’d like to be as clever and funny at Hawkeye. But the truth is if Hawkeye Pierce were your co-worker, after two weeks you’d be throwing him down the elevator shaft.

I love Aaron Sorkin’s style, but he has to have the right subject matter. WEST WING was phenomenal. So was SOCIAL NETWORK. Those brainiac characters were right in his wheelhouse. But when the arena was behind-the-scenes at SNL, Tina Fey’s style was more on the mark than his.

Look, if TV and movie dialogue were true to real life no one would watch. Who wants to listen to endless prattle, incessant stammering, and a million “y’knows” and “likes”? I bet if someone really did a documentary on a paper products office, in order to put together one half hour that had as many funny things as the TV version they would need to shoot ten million hours of film. (I know that’s a little off topic. We’re talking about very stylized writers. But the point needs to be made that all dramatic writers need a little latitude.)

So in this age of network interference and homogenization, I say thank goodness for Diablo Cody, and Aaron Sorkin, and David Milch, and Amy Sherman, and every other truly distinctive writer except Tyler Perry.

My review of THE ARTIST

2012-01-11T05:57:00.000-08:00

It would have been soooo easy to do it wrong. Soooo easy to just make it an exercise, a novelty, a curiosity piece. But THE ARTIST manages to pull off the near impossible – a thoroughly charming love story with multi-dimensional characters without the benefit of dialogue, color, or Clooney.

THE ARTIST is a period piece silent movie set in Hollywood in the late ‘20s made by the French. Not exactly fanboy catnip.

But it works! Without any Spielberg schmaltz, Scorsese scope, or Tarantino too-coolness.

Director Michel Hazanavicius is to be applauded for three things – the script, the direction, and marrying the leading lady.

Bérénice Bejo is luminous as the young ingénue. Picture a prettier and goofier Anne Hathaway (along with Frenchier and marriedier). Everything Meryl Streep does with accents and make-up she does with just her eyes.

But Jean Dujardin steals the show as the swashbuckling leading man. He has the panache, the pencil-thin mustache, and soon a lot of awards. Consider this: he’s the first actor in a hundred years asked to carry a silent movie. (Clint Eastwood was just a day-player, not a leading man back then.)

THE ARTIST is a melodrama – which was the Merchant-Ivory drama style of the day. It uses every silent movie cliché but only to better recreate the genre. This is a loving homage, not the world’s longest Tracey Ullman sketch.

As a writer, I must say it’s a little humbling to see how little dialogue you need to tell a good story. This film is brimming with wonderful little character moments – subtle gestures, body language, glances. One of the many dangers of doing a modern-day silent movie is that the audience is paying way more attention to the technique than the story. But that doesn’t happen here. You get sucked in emotionally. Or at least I did.

I’m curious to hear what young people thought of this film. I’m curious to see whether young people even went to this film. Unless you’re a student of cinema, I would imagine most people under 40 have never seen a silent movie. Maybe they’ve seen clips but not an entire full-length feature. The Gish Sisters don’t ring a bell. Will THE ARTIST resonate with audiences who have no frame of reference? Will the deliberate mugging be perceived of as just corny? Will they become engrossed or say, “I gave up seeing THE MUPPET MOVIE for this?”

For my money, THE ARTIST was one of the most ambitious and satisfying films of the year. And it was so refreshing to see a silent movie where everyone in it isn't dead.

I think it will win some Oscars. Some Golden Globes for sure. (The Foreign Press and a film made on foreign soil? Unless the French restaurants where all the voters are employed as busboys and waitresses fire them, THE ARTIST is a shoo-in for those statutes.) Note: I will be reviewing the Golden Globes next Monday.

I understand that there's a campaign to get the dog an Oscar nomination. As if Albert Brooks isn't bitter enough -- can you imagine if he loses a Best Supporting Actor nomination to a dog? Woof!

Oh, and a note to Ted Turner: Please don't colorize this movie. Thank you.

A follow-up to yesterday's post on Spec Scripts

2012-01-10T05:56:00.000-08:00

Yesterday’s post on which spec script to write has generated a number of good questions and comments so I thought I’d serve ‘em while they’re hot.

Vivian Darkbloom is up first.

I am writing a sitcom pilot and have a question about the number of acts for the script. Some shows have two acts (e.g., "30 Rock," "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," "Friends"), whereas others have three (e.g., "New Girl," "2 Broke Girls," "Community").

What are your thoughts on writing a pilot with two acts versus three? Is it just a matter of personal preference?

Your call, Viv. Whatever format allows you to best tell your story. But generally that means the two-act structure. Shows went to a three-act format not as a way of improving storytelling. They did so because the networks want to sprinkle their heavy commercial load around without causing too much tune-out. But where best to schedule GoDaddy.com, Lexus, Cialis, Miller Lite, Disney Cruises, Pepsi, and seventeen WHITNEY promos is not your concern.

From Paul:

Ken, what do you think about writing a spec for an animated show like Archer?

I think it’s great IF you want to get a job on an animated show. But you shouldn't let a spec ARCHER be your overall writing sample submitted to live-action shows.

I have no idea whether you can write MODERN FAMILY based on a FAMILY GUY.

The best solution: write two specs – one for animated shows and one for live. Cover your bases.

And having written both I would encourage young writers to consider adding animation to your arsenal. Especially if your strong suit is jokes. There’s less of a burden on character development and story in animation, but you better really bring the funny.

A reader suggested that animation studios don't consider material from outsiders. I don't agree. Maybe in his studio and if so, they're idiots because they're shortchanging themselves talent.

Bob Ross has an ageism question.

...Speaking of writers over forty, is it possible to get your first writing job if you are over forty?

I won't blow sunshine up your skirt. It’s harder.

But not impossible. The good news is when you submit your script you never have to list your age. If the spec knocks people out you’ll get work. The odds aren't great but much better than if you wanted to join the NBA at 40.

KingCooky weighed in with:

My style is more drama. I've recently written a Mad Men spec. Any thoughts if this is over done like Modern Family?

My next project will probably be Boardwalk Empire and possibly Boss. Any other ideas on great drama shows I should pay attention to?

Also, I try to stay away from the law/CSI stuff as i think shows like are also overdone.

Drama is not my field but I would instinctively agree that procedurals are not ideal for specs unless you hope to get hired by a procedural.

To me the problem with dramas is that so many of them are episodic. How do you write a MAD MEN when you don't even know what year the next season will be set in?

I would pick a show that best fits your sensibilities. Are you a SONS OF ANARCHY fan? THE GOOD WIFE? FRINGE? ONCE UPON A TIME? BOARDWALK EMPIRE? The styles are so different.

I suppose I would pick the show you feel you know the best and try to write as self-contained episode as you can.

But I worry about BOSS simply because not many people have seen it. On the other hand, there sure won't be a glut of them.

DyHrdMET wonders:

Could producers rip off elements of your spec script? has that happened before?

When a spec script is submitted by an agent it's with the understanding that the studio is no longer liable if a similarity of the script finds its way into an episode. Without that protection studios would never read anybody's script. Does stealing from spec scripts occur? I'm sure it does but in my experience, I've never seen it. More often specs will stumble upon an upcoming storyline or beat that was already in the works.

On the other hand, I have seen instances where a studio will buy a spec because they like the story, even if they don't like the writing.

You may think your story is completely unique and original and the truth is a producer gets fifteen specs that all have the same story.

And trust me, if a producer has to rely on spec scripts for story notions he won't be in the business very long.

From Chris:

After you get work on various shows, do you/would you write any more specs? I've always thought I'd do that if there would be shows out there that I would really like.

That does happen. And the truth is, if you’re a working writer on a show that’s not well thought-of in the community, writing a spec may be the only way you graduate to a better show. So swallow your pride. The best example of this was on CHEERS. Peter Casey & David Lee were not just writers on THE JEFFERSONS, they were the showrunners. But to get a CHEERS assignment they had to suck it up and write a spec CHEERS. They did, it impressed the Charles Brothers, and the rest, as they say, is profit.

Have you ever done that?

Not specs for existing shows, but I’ve had to write a lot of specs. When my partner and I were on MASH we wanted to break into features. No one would hire us without a spec screenplay. Our agent would argue that we write a movie-caliber show every week, but they still wanted to see how we did in longform. So we wrote a spec, which got us our first assignment (VOLUNTEERS).

When I went off to do baseball, David tried to get feature work alone. Same story. They only knew him as a member of a team. So he (and later I) had to write a spec screenplay solo.

Now, had we said, “We’ve won Emmys, WGA awards, and we're known at the 20th commissary and barbershop. We’re not going to write on spec” then my guess is we’d have no movie career, either together or separately. And today we couldn't get into the 20th barbershop if we had a note from George Clooney.

Now here are a couple of comments from yesterday worth re-posting:

From Anonymous Reader:

Ken,

As someone who works for the Nickelodeon Writing Fellowship (a great program for aspiring writers, btw!), let me just tell you that the glut IS "Modern Family".

Used to be "The Office", the "30 Rock", but making your script stand out amongst hundreds of "Modern Familys" is going to be an uphill battle for sure.

I imagine the situation must be the same at agencies.

Personally, I'd advise against it.

Good to know. What follows is a GREAT comment by David Schwartz. I could not agree with him more.

Here's a suggestion that I think is very valuable (and one I wish I knew years ago). It is important that even after you write your spec scripts and secure an agent that YOU KEEP WRITING! When I started writing specs in the early 1980's my partner and I wrote a couple of good scripts that landed us an agent, and then we stopped writing. Our attitude was, "We've now written our scripts, it's time for our agent to get us work." We felt that our next assignment should be a paying one. In contrast, at the same time, our agent had another writer that wanted to write for Family Ties. We were told that this writer wrote a Family Ties script practically EVERY WEEK and submitted it to the show. After a couple of months of this, the producers took notice! I believe this writer was Michael J. Weithorn who went on to an incredibly successful career (starting with Family Ties). The point I'm making, is that while you may not be able to write a script every week, persistence is more likely to pay off than inertia. If I had my writing career to do over again, the one thing I'd do differently would be to write more scripts, and then write more scripts after that. First, I'd have gotten better, and second, I'm pretty sure I'd have impressed the producers with my perseverance.

Thanks, David. That letter should come with every scriptwriting computer program and cup of coffee at Starbucks. The more you write, the better you will become and the more opportunities you will have for success.

As always, good luck to everybody!!!

What spec script should you write?

2012-01-09T05:55:00.001-08:00

This is a common question and an answer that changes almost daily. But as of this moment these are my thoughts regarding specs for sitcoms.

First of all, you know you need at least two specs? One from an existing show and an original piece of material (like a pilot, screenplay, one-act play, funny suicide note). So which existing show should you tackle?

The most important factor is which show do you feel showcases your talents the best? Which show has your sensibilities and sense of humor? What is your favorite show? If you love THE MIDDLE and totally get THE MIDDLE that’s what you should write. Don’t worry that it hasn’t won fifteen Emmys. This even goes for shows I will gently suggest you avoid. Those shows will have drawbacks but if one of them is totally in your sweet spot, write it anyway. And remember, it’s not like you can only write one spec from an existing show. So write the show you want and maybe another just for protection. The more specs you have, the better.

Before I list shows, let me dispel a myth. There is a theory that you never want to send a spec of an existing show to that show. Yes, the producers know that show intimately and will be able to spot flaws no one else will, but so what? The chances of actually selling your spec to that show are minuscule anyway. Your real objective is to impress the town. A thousand years ago when my partner and I wrote specs, our MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW sample was not just rejected but savaged by the MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, but that same script got us our JEFFERSONS assignment and work all over town. So take that MTM!

Okay, so what shows already?

Try to pick one that’s currently hot or up and coming. My guess is MODERN FAMILY is the current rage. But writer beware! MODERN FAMILY is a very difficult show to write. It’s very tightly structured and very character driven. You really need to be good on story. The best MODERN FAMILY’s have a unified theme. So you have to create three separate stories but ideally they intersect and have the same theme. MODERN FAMILY is fraught with traps. But the good news is if you can write a good one it will really stand out.

Similarly, PARKS AND RECREATION, for all its playfulness has well told intricate stories, usually two or three going simultaneously. But you also have very funny characters and situations. PARKS AND REC would be one I would seriously consider.

BIG BANG THEORY is another popular choice. They key here is not structure but jokes. Lots and lots and lots and lots of jokes. And then five more. Same with MIKE & MOLLY. All Chuck Lorre shows actually. If joke writing is your strength these shows give you your best platform.

TWO AND A HALF MEN is an interesting case. Yes, it has a new star and dynamic. But it’s also an old show and the tone and jokes are the same as before. My vote would be to select something else. Same with THE OFFICE.

COMMUNITY is tough call. On the one hand it has the zeitgeist and buzz, and you have a lot more latitude to be really creative. But the show is so wildly inventive that you’re shooting at a moving target. And there’s the real possibility that it will soon be canceled. Up to you. Just realize that the shelf life of a COMMUNITY script might be very short.

A few slightly off-beat choices I might recommend are RAISING HOPE, HAPPY ENDINGS (pictured above), and COUGAR TOWN. More mainstream options would be THE MIDDLE and LAST MAN STANDING. (Note: If you write a LAST MAN STANDING, please give Nancy Travis a good part – something they don’t seem to do on the show. Thank you.)

2 BROKE GIRLS and NEW GIRL would be my choices for best freshmen series to write. If your specialty is vagina jokes, these are the shows for you.

LOUIS C.K. is a tough one. Very stylized and low-keyed. A good one will gain you points for edginess. But a bad one will bury you.

And then there’s WHITNEY. More points for edginess here. And I bet you could write a very funny episode. But I would be concerned. This show is so universally reviled that you might want to steer clear for your own safety. If this is your sensibility I would suggest 2 BROKE GIRLS as a more acceptable alternative.

If you write a HOT IN CLEVELAND readers are going to assume you’re at least 40. And that’s fine if you are at least 40. But younger writers might be wiser to write younger shows.

Disney Channel sitcoms will only serve as specs for kids’ shows. But you could do a lot worse than landing a gig on a Disney Channel sitcom.

These are the shows that I believe have crested. There must be a glut of specs from 30 ROCK, IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA, CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM, CALIFORNICATION, RULES OF ENGAGEMENT, WEEDS, and HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER. (Note: HIMYM is another show that puts a high premium on storytelling.) But readers are less excited because they've already read a thousand of these samples.

I would have second thoughts about specing an UP ALL NIGHT, I HATE MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER or SUBURGATORY. They might not make it. And this is EASTBOUND AND DOWN’s final season so I would avoid that show.

There are cable comedies like THE LEAGUE, ENLIGHTENED and SHAMELESS. The trap there is that readers might not be that familiar with them. But then again, they might. And you might score points for taking the road less traveled.

I’m sure there are other shows I’ve neglected to mention (one premiering cross-dressing show on purpose), and I can't stress this enough – don’t make your final decision based solely on this post. Use it for input. I'm not the ultimate authority on anything.

Best of luck. Every writer on every sitcom at one time had to write specs and they broke through. It can happen. Why not to you?

One of my favorite scenes

2012-01-08T05:55:00.000-08:00

Of those that remember a movie my partner David Isaacs and I wrote, VOLUNTEERS, the scene most recall is the “what is time again?” scene. So here it is.

To refresh, it’s 1962 and Tom Hanks plays Lawrence, a spoiled preppy who takes his roommate’s place in the Peace Corps in Thailand to avoid a gambling debt. He befriends At Toon, a Thai villager. They’re kidnapped and brought to the lair of Chung Mee, a fierce warlord. To spoof all those characters who spoke so cryptically in these types of movies we decided to have Chung Mee speak exclusively in cryptic double-speak.

INT. CHUNG MEE’S DINING ROOM – DAY

A spacious atrium. Chung Mee, financed by the CIA, has loads of household gadgets – blenders, air conditioners, etc., none of which work on account of there’s no electricity. It’s the thought that counts. Instead of air conditioning, an AGED MAN pulls the rope for an overhead fan.

Chung Mee is feeding fish raw meat as At Toon and Lawrence are brought in by the huge sumo guards. Chung Mee has an unlit cigar in his mouth. He dips the end in a brandy snifter.

LAWRENCE
This is nothing. My parents have friends who are twice this pretentious.

CHUNG MEE
The bridge you are building. When will it be completed?

LAWRENCE
The bridge? You’re interested in our bridge. Here you go –

He takes a wooden match and strikes it along the stubble of one of the monster sumo guards presenting Chung Mee with a light. A frantic scuffle ensues, but Chung Mee stays cool and accepts the light, eyeing Lawrence shrewdly through the smoke.

LAWRENCE
We’ve got a fine young man working on it, but it’s hard to say. Why do you want to know?

CHUNG MEE
Opium is my business. The bridge means more traffic. More traffic means more business. More business means more money. More money means more power.

LAWRENCE
Before I commit that to memory, would there be anything in this for me?

CHUNG MEE
Speed is important in business. Time is money.

LAWRENCE
No, you said opium is money.

CHUNG MEE
Money is money. And money is my objective.

LAWRENCE
Then what is time again?

CHUNG MEE
When the bridge is completed, you can have whatever you need.

LAWRENCE
Got it. (to At) And they told me to go on those interviews at Yale. (to Chung Mee) Well, gosh. Of course, for now, I’d want to run things in Loong Ta. And then, when I’m ready to leave, passage to Bangkok and a plane ticket to America. And – it’s hardly worth mentioning – twenty-eight thousand dollars in cash. I have some library books overdue.

AT TOON
Nice knowin’ you.

CHUNG MEE
I want the bridge finished in six weeks or you are finished in seven.

AT TOON
(to Chung Mee) You’re goin’ along with that?

LAWRENCE
No problem, commander. The bridge is yours.

CHUNG MEE
And you are mine.

LAWRENCE
It’s only fair.

A door opens and a beautiful Eurasian WOMAN enters. She wears a slinky low-cut dress and gloves. She is obviously the most enchanting creature Lawrence has ever seen.

CHUNG MEE
Business is completed. After business comes pleasure. Pleasure is also my business.

LAWRENCE
For me?

CHUNG MEE
If I say “yes” and not “no.”

AT TOON
You want me to translate?

LAWRENCE
Got it. (to Chung Mee) A little incentive. You’re a sly boots. (walking to the woman) Lawrence Bourne the Third, junior partner. And you, of course, would be…

LUCILLE
My name is Lucille.

NOTE: Lucille speaks English with a very thick Chinese accent. It’s indecipherable, so her words are always SUBTITLED.

LAWRENCE
Pardon me?

LUCILLE
My name is Lucille.

LAWRENCE
What?

CHUNG MEE
Lucille! Her name is Lucille!

LAWRENCE
Oh, Lucille. That’s highly erotic. How did you get a name like that?

LUCILLE
My mother was English.

LAWRENCE
What?

CHUNG MEE
(losing patience) That is her name!

LAWRENCE
She’s staying for dinner, of course.

CHUNG MEE
Yes, but you are leaving.

LAWRENCE
Right now? I just got here. (sidles closer to Lucille, sotto) What do you see in him? Are you a chubby chaser?

Lucille grabs Lawrence’s hand and bends the fingers back. He winces in pain.

CHUNG MEE
Lucille is my bodyguard. She doesn’t like it when my orders are questioned.

Chung Mee snaps his fingers and Lucille releases Lawrence.

LAWRENCE
Thank God my fly was zipped.

Chung Mee snaps his fingers again. The two henchmen grab Lawrence and At, leading them out.

LAWRENCE
Glad to be aboard.

AT TOON
Thank you for dinner and not killing us.

LAWRENCE
I’m free any night. Lucille… Did I mention that back home I own a Corvette?

The group exits.

Here's something you won't believe

2012-01-07T05:59:00.000-08:00

And I have the video to prove it!

CBS is always revamping its morning show. (They're doing it yet again.) Well, in 1973 someone got the brilliant idea to do an hour news show and hire someone to anchor it who had never been on television before. She had no experience whatsoever. Sally Quinn was a reporter for the Washington Post. And with no training, no rehearsals, no nothing -- CBS threw her on the air doing a national broadcast. In a book she wrote about the experience, Sally said that no one even told her the red light on a camera meant it was on. She's broadcasting coast-to-coast and doesn't even know which camera to look into. Great preparation. I swear, if you pitched this idea as a series, every network including CBS would say, "Too ridiculous. Too stupid. It could never happen in a million years."

Well, it did.

They gave Sally a partner, Hughes Rudd, who, by his own admission, was not a normal anchor. He was more of a rumpled reporter.

Needless to say, this experiment was an absolute disaster and lasted only a few months. Your heart has to go out to Sally Quinn who was just a deer in the headlights. When you watch this you will probably be shaking your head saying, "This can't be real!"

It is.

By the way, on her first broadcast, Sally also had the flu and collapsed an hour before going on national TV live. I'm guessing some of that was nerves. Anyway, here is that ill-fated first broadcast.

I'm on KFI 640

2012-01-06T19:50:00.000-08:00

Or at least I was in 1984. Taking time out from writing on CHEERS during the week to do a weekend shift playing adult-contemporary hits on KFI, Los Angeles. (This was before they got smart and a) shifted to a talk format, and b) fired me).

Anyway, GREAT BIG RADIO, for their Friday night feature of replaying old radio shows, is featuring an hour or so of me on KFI starting at 11 EST/8 PST and then a repeat at 2AM EST/11 PST. I was a little more reserved than back in my "Beaver Cleaver" insane Top 40 days and even used my real name. As you'll notice I catered to a very upscale sophisticated audience -- which is why one of my sponsors is Chuck E. Cheese.

You can hear it here. You're welcome to call in with requests but the show's 25 years old so I might not get to it. Happy listening.

Meeting Woody Allen

2012-01-06T05:55:00.000-08:00

Ready for some Friday Questions?

Bowling Joe gets us going with a Woody Allen query. (Lot of great comments about Woody re yesterday's post):

I just watched the PBS American Masters two-part feature on Woody Allen, which was very enjoyable and informative. My question is, have you ever crossed paths with Woody Allen and if so, any good stories? Thanks.

I met him once. No great stories though. This was in 1977. ANNIE HALL was out. At the time, Woody played clarinet in a jazz band every Monday night at Michael’s Pub in New York. I was in Gotham on vacation and went to see him perform. Surprisingly, the club wasn’t packed. We were able to get a good table and we didn't have to tip anyone a hundred.

During the break he just stayed on stage. One or two people asked for autographs, which he obliged. Woody Allen was my idol at the time, and although I don’t usually do this, I was such a geek fanboy that I decided to go up and introduce myself. I’m sure it helped that I was writing for MASH at the time. When you meet a celebrity you should say that, too.

Anyway, he was very warm. We discussed our mutual friend, Larry Gelbart, and basically just chatted for about ten minutes. I told him how much I loved ANNIE HALL. He told me how much he loved MASH. I was telling the truth. He was just being nice. Like I said, he performed every Monday night. MASH was on Monday nights. Still. It was a major thrill just to meet him. We shook hands. I requested “The Purple People Eater” and that was it.

Ray Morton asks:

I know this was before your producing tenure on MASH, but what do you know about the addition of the Captain Spaulding character -- the singing surgeon played by Loudon Wainwright III in season 3? He only appeared in 3 episodes and then disappeared. I've always wondered why he was on the show in the first place, where the idea of having a sort of a musical Greek chorus/ narrator came from, and why he vanished without a trace.

This was an experiment producers Larry Gelbart and Gene Reynolds tried. They were always looking for inventive ways to tell stories. One idea was to frame the episode around a song. They tried it a few times and it just didn’t work so they abandoned the idea. I think this was around the time Loudon Wainwright had his only Top 40 smash – “Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road.” It’s the one love song I wish I had written.

From Scott from Wisconsin:

I read (not sure how accurate) that Warner still has the Ponderosa set in storage. Is it common practice for studios to keep sets from iconic shows or are they more likely to be tossed or taken home?

Unless a show is a big hit, the sets are usually dismantled. And you’re right. Crew members and the staff will often scrounge props or pieces of the set. When BIG WAVE DAVE'S was canceled I took a surfboard.

I knew a guy in college who had parts of the original Star Trek Enterprise bridge assembled in his dorm room. Wonder how much those are worth today?

But for the most part sets are struck, maybe parts are stored for future use if they’re generic enough. For example: restaurants. A different coat of paint and new set dressing and an Italian joint from MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE becomes a sushi bar for MODERN FAMILY.

I believe the Smithsonian has the actual sets from MASH and CHEERS. So instead of seeing a Mercury capsule or Charles Lindbergh’s Spirit of St. Louis airplane, check out keepsakes of my career.

From Anonymous (please leave your name):

When you watch a current sitcom, do you see all the punchlines coming from a mile away? Or are you ever surprised by a funny line (like us non-writers)?

I often wonder if people in show business can simply enjoy a show or movie, or if they find themselves constantly thinking "I would have done that differently."

Yes, on some shows it becomes a game to shout out the punchlines just before the characters. It’s a game that lasts for maybe five minutes because then I turn the show off.

Worse – jokes so bad they make me groan. Usually two groans a show and I’m gone, often for good.

But there are series that genuinely make me laugh. PARKS & RECREATION for one. It doesn’t have the sizzle of other sitcoms like MODERN FAMILY or BIG BANG THEORY and it’s on a network that loses in the ratings to Univision, but for my money, PARKS & REC has quietly become the best sitcom on television.

I try not to think what I would do differently. Otherwise, every show I watch becomes just a bad runthrough. And honestly, when I sit down to watch a show I want to love it. I want to be surprised, drawn into the story and characters, and entertained. And since so few shows really deliver I greatly appreciate the ones that do.

And finally, DwWashburn (immortalized in a Monkees song) asks:

R/E Laughing at your own jokes -- Have you ever seen an actor who thought a line was so funny that he/she could not deliver it without breaking up? You see actors all the time in blooper reels getting "the giggles" but I wonder if you have seen the same reaction from the written word? Was the line rewritten so it could be delivered?

Not that I can remember. Sometimes we’ll change lines if they’re too much of a mouthful and the actor can’t get them out. But if a line is funny enough to evoke that kind of reaction, we’ll do sixty takes if necessary.

This has happened a couple of times in episodes I’ve directed. What I’ll do is this: If the actor has the giggles and can’t get it in three or four takes, I just move on and get it in a pick-up later after the audience has left and the actor has had a chance to settle down. But you know how it is – you get on a laughing jag and that causes the people around you to break up too. Now imagine that with 200 other people. It’s hard enough to recover from a laughing jag without hearing 200 other laughers who can’t control themselves.

What’s your question?

My review of YOUNG ADULT

2012-01-05T05:55:00.000-08:00

I’d hate to be a movie critic. You have to spend hours and hours watching awful movies and you can’t leave. On your death bed when you only have a few precious moments of life left you'll think back to those two hours you spent reviewing JACK & JILL.

And then there must be a certain amount of pressure. The best critics are perceptive. They pick out themes and see things that the average reviewer (and certainly Joe Popcorneater) doesn’t see. It’s not enough that you like or dislike a movie. You have to see the bigger picture. You have to perceive nuance. And to a certain extent you have to fall in line with other critics. If most major reviewers rave over something and you thought it was the dog’s breakfast then you’re obviously not as deep and qualified to judge cinema as they are. I call this the “Woody Allen” syndrome. I often wonder how many free passes he received on bad movies because critics thought if they didn’t like his picture it was their fault not his. Same with the Coen Brothers. Once a filmmaker has made one or two gems they are sometimes treated with kid gloves when the next one is a stinkburger.

(Ultimately, it evens out at the end because once these same critics decide the filmmaker or artist is no longer the flavor of the month, the backlash is way over the top. I call this the “Nicole Kidman” syndrome.)

Anyway, I bring this up as a way to make sense of the positive reviews I've seen for YOUNG ADULT. (By the way, no SPOILER ALERT necessary.)

Now understand, I couldn’t wait to see this movie. I looked forward to it the way fanboys are already in line for the new Batman movie that doesn't open for six months. I love director Jason Reitman. I love Charlize Theron. I love Patton Oswalt. I love dark comedies. And I really love screenwriter Diablo Cody.

I read the reviews. Critics called it brilliant, brave, breathtakingly cynical, mesmerizing, bold, pitch-perfect, hilarious, wickedly funny, fearless, and my favorite – the film’s messiness is a virtue. Huh??

I was practically salivating!

And my reaction: what a dud . Either I’m not as insightful as movie critics or this is the Emperor’s New Clothes.

First of all, the film was slow. It was only 94 minutes but felt like two-and-a-half hours. And yes, I applaud Charlize Theron’s performance but she’s always great. And Patton Oswalt was funny but he's one of the funniest people on the planet. (In fairness, he’s also a surprisingly terrific actor), but I just didn’t connect with Theron’s character. Now granted it’s a hard-sell going in when your lead is a raving bitch and only wants to break up a happy marriage with a newly arrived baby. But I didn’t know what I was supposed to feel. Was I supposed to be sympathetic to her because she was so damaged? Or was I supposed to take delight in how this ultimate "C.U. Next Tuesday" was getting hers?

I think back to another movie, THE LAST SEDUCTION. Linda Fiorentino played an absolutely hateful shrew, but the part was so delicious and she was so shockingly devious that it was great fun. I love anti-heroes if they’re entertaining. The more unredeeming the better. Give me Dabney Coleman’s “Buffalo Bill” or “J. R. Ewing”, Ben Kingsley in SEXY BEAST, Aaron Eckhart in IN THE COMPANY OF MEN, “the Black Adder”, or Joan Crawford in everything she was ever in.

Maybe if Theron’s character were funnier or more audacious, or more… something.

Half of the movie we see her drink herself into oblivion, order and eat junk food, brood, apply make up, select clothing, and drive by Staples. Am I missing the brilliance or are some critics just covering their asses?

Perhaps my expectations were just too high. If this was some little indie feature I saw at the Death Valley Film Festival I might’ve shrugged and said, “Way too long but good air conditioning”. But as a movie vying for Oscar nominations and considering the pedigree involved I think calling it brilliant, brave, breathtakingly cynical, mesmerizing, bold, pitch-perfect, hilarious, wickedly funny, fearless was overly generous. The film's messiness is absolutely not a virtue.

"Don't waste your time on this one. Go bowling instead."

-- Ken Levine

stupid blogger

What did you guys think?

What do the cameramen covering MODERN FAMILY talk about?

2012-01-04T05:53:00.000-08:00

The conceit in MODERN FAMILY is that everything is being filmed for a documentary. So I thought, imagine if some of the cameramen got together after work for a drink to compare notes.

INT. BAR – NIGHT

In a popular Italian restaurant. Bob and Jim sit at the bar. Tom enters.

TOM: Hey guys. Sorry, I’m late. But I got a good one. Phil and Claire were knocking one off before lunch and the kids walked in on them.

BOB: Wow.

JIM: What did they do?

TOM: The kids? They screamed and ran out. And after that I don’t know. Seth was assigned to them. I stayed back with Phil and Claire. They couldn’t have been more freaked.

BOB: Wait a minute. You were inside their bedroom?

TOM: Uh huh. Got the whole thing.

JIM: Even before the kids interrupted?

TOM: Yeah. Why?

BOB: Why? So you were in the room while they were fucking?

TOM: Y’know, now that you mention it – that is a little weird, huh?

BOB: Uh… Yeah.

TOM: That explains a lot.

JIM: What do you mean?

TOM: Phil wants to have sex all the time.

JIM: I guess when they all sign that release form giving us full access that means full access. Even the bedroom.

BOB: Which probably explains why the Dunphy crew is two people and the one covering Gloria is now up to ten.

TOM: And Mitch & Cam are on their own after 9:00.

BOB: Hey, I can top that. I worked the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills the first season.

TOM: They let you into the bedroom?

BOB: They blew me.

JIM: Speaking of Mitch & Cam – my day off was yesterday and when I got to their place this morning it seemed like their baby grew two years.

BOB: So it wasn’t just me? Last week she was just an infant. Suddenly she tripled her height and weight and now speaks better than Gloria.

JIM: Can you understand a word she says?

BOB: Who cares?

JIM: You got a point.

BOB: The Beverly Hills Housewives want to run her over with their car.

TOM: Maybe Cam just picked the wrong baby up from the park. That’s the kind of thing that happens to these people every week.

JIM: That’s not typical of most families, is it?

BOB: The Real Housewives leave their kids in parks on purpose.

JIM: I want to follow them.

TOM: Hey, how old do you think Manny is? 16?

BOB: 14.

JIM: 50.

They laugh.

JIM: You laugh but at the rate the baby is growing they’ll graduate high school the same year.

TOM: Which will be one year sooner than Haley?

BOB: Well, I gotta go. Phil is learning how to walk a tightrope.

JIM: I’d ask why but it’s Phil so what’s the point?

TOM: And I’ve got Jay helping Manny make a science project.

BOB: See you at the E.R. around 11:00.

TOM: (spotting someone) Hey, guys. Isn’t that Haley?

They turn and look.

JIM: Yeah, what’s she doing here with another family?

BOB: The way they’re acting, you’d think she’s their daughter.

TOM: Boy, they’re sure having fun here at the Olive Garden.

JIM: Maybe I better get my camera.

BOB: Me too.

TOM: Hey, I saw her first!

All three scramble out of the room to get their equipment.

FADE OUT.

Here is the footage that they shot.

Looking back (already) at 2012

2012-01-03T05:55:00.000-08:00

My final thoughts on New Year's weekend:

Your choices for watching the ball drop in Times Square were three variations of painful.

NBC had Carson Daly. I ask this every year? Why???? This guy has no apparent talent. He’s not funny. He’s not edgy. He’s not popular. He can’t sing. He can’t dance. He hasn’t won a reality show. He can count backwards. That’s pretty much it. And every year NBC goes with him and every year he gets slaughtered in the ratings. Why not let the cast from SNL host? Or an NBC Page. Anybody but a faint imitation of Ryan Seacrest. I didn’t watch this. I never do.

Option two is Ryan Seacrest. ABC’s NEW YEAR’S ROCKIN’ EVE. The big attraction here is Dick Clark – a once giant in television now crippled by a tragic stroke. It is impossible to watch him now without squirming. And yet, year after year he insists on appearing, and year after year the numbers go up. I guess ghoulish curiosity is a big ratings grabber. Do people tune in specifically to see a train wreck? We won’t know until the year he’s no longer on, but I bet the ratings plummet once he’s gone. Because otherwise, what do you have? A better Carson Daly vamping, idiotic correspondents conducting mindless interviews with goofballs in Times Square (where is Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog when we need him?), and musical guests that were taped last summer. I didn’t watch this either. Not this time. I figured, why go into the year hating myself?

Option three: CNN. This I did unfortunately watch. Oy. Poor Anderson Cooper. He spends years in the field, covering the horrors of Somalia, Bosnia, and Rwanda. He overcomes being the host of THE MOLE and rises to a certain level of journalistic credibility. He anchors the news for CNN and contributes to CBS’s 60 MINUTES. And then, every New Year’s Eve, he’s asked to put on a clown hat and co-host New Year’s Eve coverage with Kathy Griffin. Imagine if in the olden days CBS had paired Walter Cronkite with Gallagher or Edward R. Murrow with Judy Tenuta.

It was hard to watch. Kathy Griffin does say some funny things but a little of her goes a long way. And by a little I mean, two minutes. Anderson Cooper has no idea how to deal with her. Ad libbing and being witty are not his strengths. You could almost see the thought bubbles over his head. “What the fuck am I doing here?” “How damaging to my career would it be if I just hauled off and beat the living shit out of her on camera?” and “How much of a career boost would it be if I just hauled off and beat the living shit out of her on camera?” At one point Kathy stripped down to her bra. Class-eee. If only the big furry coat that appeared moments later was placed over her head instead of on her body I think CNN might have found the winning formula.

Since New Year’s Day fell on a Sunday, the parades and bowl games were held back to January 2nd. Why? Is there some religious reason floats can’t go down a street on a Sunday? Is it disrespectful to some God to stage college football games? The NFL didn’t seem to give a shit. They played a full schedule and to my knowledge no one in the National Football League went to hell, although Tim Tebow did lose to the Chiefs.

I wonder how many idiots in LA on January 1st got up at 4:00 in the morning and went down to Pasadena expecting to see the Rose Parade? 5,000? Half a million?

The actual parade was held on Monday. The weather was glorious! Remember we get earthquakes out here. (SoCal is too damned crowded as it is.) But it was a smaller parade. The bad economy has taken its taken its toll. Some of the local communities like Long Beach did not enter a float this year – which was a first. But when cities are struggling to maintain decent fire and police departments it’s hard to justify several million dollars for roses and glue.

Like everyone else, I watched local channel KTLA’s coverage, hosted by Bob Eubanks and Stephanie Edwards. I believe their feed was syndicated and many other markets received it as well. In Los Angeles, KTLA’s coverage beats everyone else’s combined. Bob & Stephanie are what Anderson & Kathy hope to be. They tease each other, they describe the scene, and they project the illusion of chemistry although I bet they don’t even know where each other lives. A few years ago KTLA booted Stephanie off to go with someone younger and the push back was enormous. The station claimed it had nothing to do with age but the male anchor wasn’t replaced, just the female. And the truth is, nobody – male or female – is as good a parade commentator as Stephanie Edwards. Not that that's such a marketable skill.

I always thought if I ever went on unemployment and didn’t want anybody hounding me about whether I made enough of an effort to find work that I would list my profession as “Parade Host”. If the state could find me a gig doing that, great!

Since when did the Rose Parade begin with a tacky production number? It’s hard to imagine the traditionally conservative planning committee saying, “We’ve got to do something. The parade is not gay enough!”

My favorite float was the one featuring the organ transplant survivors. That was very cool.

Least favorite: the Paramount Pictures float. The studio makes its secretaries pay for parking but spends millions on a stupid float.

It seems like every float won an award. Even the City of Long Beach won the coveted “Amelia Earhart Trophy.”

After the parade, Occupy protesters unveiled their float: a 70-by-40-foot octopus made of recycled plastic bags that represented Wall Street's stranglehold on political, cultural and social life, with tentacles "that reach into your pocket to get your money and a tentacle to get your house." I was hoping Miss Long Beach could hop a ride but alas there was nowhere to stand.

Tweet from my son, Matt: Twelve bowl games on TV today and all I can think is "when to pitchers and catcher report"?

As for the Rose Bowl -- it was 80 degrees outside and Brent Musburger was announcing. Who won?

New Year’s Day (or, in this case) the day after New Year’s Day is just not complete anymore without the Orange Bowl. It’s been moved to a later date. The Orange Bowl halftime show was always my highlight of the holiday season. So incredibly garish and over-produced, it is in its own way poetic. Imagine the Celine Dion Vegas show, Opening Ceremonies of the Olympics, Snow White production number from the Oscars, Ru Paul’s Drag Race, Kardashian wedding, and the best of every Lady Gaga concert all smashed together. That’s 10% of what the Orange Bowl halftime show is like.

Happy New Year to everyone. Bob & Stephanie – take the rest of the year off.

The Hollywood Calendar

2012-01-02T05:58:00.000-08:00

Churning out top quality entertainment is a tireless undertaking, one that requires sacrifice, dedication, and total commitment. If you’re looking for a 9-5 job then don’t even think about show business. We in the industry live and breathe entertainment.

So here now, as a way of scaring off those casually thinking about getting into TV & movies, is a look at the annual HOLLYWOOD CALENDAR

JANUARY – Sundance Film Festival. Golden Globes & Golden Globes parties.

FEBRUARY – Super Bowl weekend (Thursday to Tuesday). Presidents’ Day weekend (Thursday to Tuesday). The Academy Awards. Academy Award parties. The Grammys. The Grammys parties.

MARCH – Spring training.

APRIL – Opening Day.

MAY – Cannes Film Festival. Upfront parties. Memorial Day weekend (Thursday – Wednesday)

JUNE – Summer movie releases & parties.

JULY – Off

AUGUST – OFF

SEPTEMBER – OFF

OCTOBER – World Series. Hamptons International Film Festival. Toronto Hispano-American Film Festival.

NOVEMBER – Thanksgiving (last two weeks)

DECEMBER – OFF

Sometimes there’s just not enough weeks in the year.

It's as if I'm being interviewed by James Lipton

2012-01-01T05:57:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year even though we don't celebrate it until tomorrow. In the meantime, here’s a meme that’s going around the screenwriters' blogs. I’ve been tagged.

ONE (1) earliest film-related memory:

Seeing TEN COMMANDMENTS as a mere tyke and being scared shitless. Not by the special effects or torture to the Jews but by the bad over-acting. Charlton Heston and Yul Brynner in the same movie? Even Cinemascope couldn’t contain them. Both had me diving under the seat. And incredibly, they weren’t the worst offenders. That dishonor would go to Ms. Anne Baxter. She gave maybe the single worst most overblown performance in the history of film…rivaling Butty Hutton in THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH. Even Nathan Lane would say, “Whoa, bring it down.” I still haven’t recovered.

TWO (2) favorite lines from movies:

Edward G. Robinson in TEN COMMANDMENTS: “Nnnyyeah, Moses, where’s your God now?”

And any line from TOOTSIE.

THREE (3) jobs you’d do if you could not work in the “biz”:

Teacher
Cartoonist
Morning man at W.O.L.D.

FOUR (4) jobs you actually have held outside the industry:

Amway salesman (Hey, that detergent really works)
Record store clerk
Comic strip artist
Teaching broadcasting

THREE (3) book authors I like:

Philip Roth
John Kennedy Toole
Kurt Vonnegut

TWO (2) movies you’d like to remake or properties you’d like to adapt:

VOLUNTEERS. They never did justice to our script. When the movie came out I wanted to stand in the lobby and just hand out screenplays.

The other movie that I’d like to remake is THE PRODUCERS. Come on. It’s time.

ONE (1) screenwriter you think is underrated:

Steve Gordon. Wrote ARTHUR then tragically died. No one wrote better funnier witty dialogue than Steve. I've written about him before.

He also wrote a movie starring Henry Winkler and Kim Darby called THE ONE AND ONLY about a TV wrestler, directed by Carl Reiner. It might be available on Netflix. Or, if you know Kim Darby, see if she'll invite you over to watch it.

And TV freaks might vaguely remember a show in the late 70’s called THE PRACTICE starring Danny Thomas as a crusty neighborhood doctor in the Bronx (Becker meets Uncle Tanoose). Steve created and wrote that show and it just crackled. I’m hoping that someday it will resurface on DVD or at least on the Lebanese channel.

Steve Gordon was…and is…an inspiration to me.

May 2012 be for you what 2011 was for…

2011-12-31T05:57:00.000-08:00

Natalie Portman, Ty Burrell, Lady Gaga, Lady Antebellum, THE BOOK OF MORMON, the Green Bay Packers, Norbert Leo Butz, Melanie Amaro, BRIDESMAIDS, Justin Verlander,

Julianna Margulies, the Dallas Mavericks, Jay-Z, J-Lo, J.R. Martinez, Colin Firth, Mark Rylance, the Boston Bruins, Viola Davis, Zooey Deschanel, THE KING’S SPEECH, Robert Griffith III, Thomas Sargent, Guy Pearce, Louis CK, Yemeni Tawakkol Karman, Charl Schwartzel, John Benjamin Hickey, Craig Kimbrel, Adele, Ellen, Snooki, Tom Hooper, Derrick Rose, Christian Bale, Katy Perry, iPad2, Aaron Sorkin, John Legend, Corey Perry, Melissa Leo, Arcade Fire, MAD MEN, Kyle Chandler, Melissa McCarthy, the St. Louis Cardinals, Jim Parsons, Scotty McCreery, ONCE UPON A TIME, Julie Bowen, Sutton Foster, Martin Scorsese, Christopher Sims, Justin Bieber, DOWNTOWN ABBEY, Ryan Gosling, Eminem, Kate Winslet, the Auburn Tigers, Jon Stewart, the Connecticut Huskies, MODERN FAMILY, the Black Keys, Clayton Kershaw, Trey Parker, Robert Lopez, Matt Stone, Albert Pujols, Leymah Gbowee, Ellen Barkin, Jeremy Hellickson, and me for having great readers like you!

Happy New Year!!

My final rant of the year

2011-12-30T15:20:00.000-08:00

How do you know it's the end of the year? Because a cable provider is threatening to drop a popular channel or two. This time the feud is between Time Warner Cable (big shock) and the MSG network in New York.   Last year, cable subscribers in many areas were in danger of losing all Fox networks.   These contracts expire on December 31st. And invariably there is an impasse, threats, ads taken out, more threats, and the two sides settle at the last minute.

So why can't the same deal be struck December 4th?   Think of all the money everyone would save on ads! Think of the good will. Every player in this game is a giant conglomerate. All these public feuds do is get us to decide which of you two major behemoths we hate more.

Then you're forced to spend millions on advertising campaigns trying to convince us you're just plain folks looking out for our best interests. Even village idiots don't buy that anymore.

The just plain folks at Verizon thought they could slip this one by us: Without any announcement, they just started charging customers an additional $2 to pay their bill. Taking your money isn't free, y'know! It only took one day of customers going postal for Verizon to back off of that policy.   You're telling me that not one executive up in the Verizon board room figured this might be the reaction?   Not a single over-paid suit said, "I'm not sure this is the best move, PR-wise"?

"Can you hear me now? You're SCUMBAGS!!"

When Sirius merged with XM and Congress was leery they assured the government they would not raise rates. But I guess that was before they could. Yesterday I got a lovely email from Sirius/XM CEO Mel Karmazin informing me he's raising subscription rates. But here's his spin:

As we continue to add exciting new content and find more ways for you to enjoy our programming, we will work hard to control costs and create efficiencies to ensure SiriusXM continues to be the best value for your entertainment dollar.

"Create efficiencies". Isn't that a lovely term? What could that possibly mean other than firing people? You've already fired a bunch of people. And your "unparalleled" programming has suffered as a result. And it's "unparalleled" not because it's the best but because you're a monopoly.

This was another banner year for big business. 2011 gave us the Chevy Volt, Qwikster, the HTC Status Phone, the Playbook, the Fiat 500, and the $175 million dollar Disney spectacular, MARS NEEDS MOMS.

As we head into 2012 I ask this simple question: Shouldn't we find someone other than Charles Montgomery Burns to run America?

Okay. I'll stop ranting now. I don't know why I'm getting so worked up. I can't even get MSG here in Los Angeles.

Regrets? I've had a few... or at least one

2011-12-30T05:59:00.000-08:00

For some reason all the Friday Questions today come from people whose names begin with C. It would be really eerie if I hadn't just hand selected them.

ChicagoJohn gets us started.

I love your casting stories. It makes me curious; have you ever skipped over a performer, who later on became a superstar?

And if so, is there ever any regret that you didn't cast them?

We passed on Kathy Bates for Katey Sagal on the series we created for Mary Tyler Moore. It was a tough choice. Both were perfect for the part. But we went with Katey because no one had seen her before. And don’t regret it. She was wonderful.

Usually when we pass on someone good it’s only because they’re just not right for that particular role. But the one I still kick myself over, is not hiring Jerry Orbach when we had the chance.

Chris has a question and a follow-up

How much and what exactly do you write when you get a story credit and how do those situations happen where you just do the teleplay or story for an episode?

You get a story credit if you turn in (and are paid for) an outline. The length varies depending on the show. It can be four pages, it can be twenty. At that point the story editor can either send you on to write the first draft or cut you off and assign the script to someone else. Whoever writes that draft would get the teleplay credit. If you write the story and teleplay you get a “written by” credit.

But it can get complicated. If another writer is assigned to write the script and veers considerably from the story it could be up to an arbitration board to decide whether the original writer is still entitled to story credit. There is a credits manual that spells out the guidelines but like I said, it can get sticky.

And then there are shows like BIG BANG THEORY that are all room written and story and teleplay credits are just assigned.

If an actor ad-libs something and they keep it in the episode, does he need to get a credit for it (like producer)?

No.

Charles Jurries wonders:

Have you ever had trouble editing scenes in an episode, just to leave one big scene intact? For an example, say on M*A*S*H* you had a great Hawkeye speech at the end of the episode, and there's not a line that you want or feel need to be cut -- but the episode is still too long. Do you trim the big scene, or, do a dozen little edits all over the rest of the episode? I know you've talked a lot about editing, but, I was wondering if you ever had to defend a special scene from the chopping block. Thanks.

Most shows, when first assembled, come in a few minutes long due to the laugh spread from the audience. That’s a good thing for many reasons. We then go back and edit and trim throughout. There are times we have to lose good jokes because we need to preserve something else – like a key speech.

As a director, in addition to everything else, I need to give some thought to possible lifts if the show ends up too long. So in my camera assignments I’ll need to build in protection so that lines can be cut easily in editing.

An example: If someone enters the room I’ll always have a single shot of him. That way we can cut any of the lines preceding his entrance. Or if there’s a half page of dialogue I figure might come out I won’t have actors crossing on those lines. That way, if you lift a line or two, the actors won’t fly across the stage.

Here’s one from Carol:

If you got the green light to do some kind of show like Sherlock, what would you do? And is there a type of script you've never done, but would like to try - like a Sci-fi type show or something? If you had the chance to write for Doctor Who, for example, would you take it?

I’m not a big Sci-fi type guy but greatly admire well-written dramas like THE GOOD WIFE. Would love to write something like that. Or a psychological thriller.

My partner and I did an uncredited major rewrite on JEWEL OF THE NILE and that was great fun writing an action-adventure movie. Maybe I’ll be considered for MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 16.

I’d like to write on any Aaron Sorkin show. I know I can’t write them as well but it would be an honor just to be heavily rewritten by Aaron Sorkin.

What's your question? I hope it's okay that I won't get to it until next year.

My favorite dumb quotes for 2011

2011-12-29T05:58:00.001-08:00

This was a particularly good one for a non-election year. But with Herman Cain, Kim Kardashian, Michele Bachmann, and Joe Biden around, how can you miss? And before you write angry comments, this is Bi-partisan idiocy.

"When they ask me, 'Who is the president of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan?' I'm going to say, 'You know, I don't know. Do you know?"' — Then-presidential candidate Herman Cain

"I am on a drug. It's called 'Charlie Sheen.' It's not available because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body." — Charlie Sheen

"We're the country that built the Intercontinental Railroad." - Barack Obama

"I can't say with certitude." — Then-U.S. Rep. Anthony Weiner when he was asked whether a photograph of the congressman’s member was in fact him.

“Look, the Taliban per se is not our enemy.” -- Joe Biden.

“Juarez is reported to be the most dangerous city in America.” -- Rick Perry

“I would not have spent so much time on something just for a TV show.” – Kim Kardashian on her wedding.

"It was really different from being in a basketball game." -- Kris Humphries, NBA star, on his very brief marriage to Kim Kardasian:

"Well what I want them to know is just like, John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa. That's the kind of spirit that I have, too" -Rep. Michele Bachmann, getting her John Waynes mixed up during an interview in Waterloo, Iowa, where she grew up. The iconic movie star John Wayne was born in Winterset, Iowa, three hours away. The John Wayne that Waterloo was home to is John Wayne Gacy, a notorious serial killer.

“How do you fire Jo Pa? #insult #noclass as a hawkeye fan I find it in poor taste – Ashton Kutcher tweet on the Penn State Scandal

“Rehearsal is for fags.” – Director Brett Ratner

"Before we get started, let's all say 'Happy Birthday' to Elvis Presley today." -- Michele Bachmann again, while campaigning in South Carolina on what was actually the anniversary of Elvis's death,

“That would be like Hitler playing golf with Netanyahu.” – Hank Williams Jr. on President Obama and John Boehner playing golf.

“Everything bad that can happen to a person has happened to me.” – Paris Hilton on her hardships

“When drag queens love you, you will have a long career.” – Kathie Lee Gifford

“Why did I wake up in a garbage can?” – Snooki

''I saw the young man over there with eggs Benedict, with hollandaise sauce. And I was going to suggest to you that you serve your eggs with hollandaise sauce in hubcaps. Because there's no plates like chrome for the hollandaise.'' —Mitt Romney, after working the room at a New Hampshire restaurant and pausing for a photo with the owner

“Our assessment is that the Egyptian government is stable.” – Hillary Clinton on the stability of Mubarak's Egypt 18 days before he stepped down.

''The president, he put us in Libya. He is now putting us in Africa.''—Michele Bachmann, unaware that Libya is in Africa

''I should tell my story. I'm also unemployed.'' —Mitt Romney, speaking to unemployed people in Florida. Romney's net worth is over $200 million.

And the year would not be complete of course without one from our dearest friend, Ms. Sarah Palin.

"He who warned, uh, the British that they weren't gonna be takin' away our arms, uh, by ringing those bells, and um, makin' sure as he's riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed." --Sarah Palin, botching the history of Paul Revere's midnight ride.

This year in my blog...

2011-12-28T05:56:00.001-08:00

Since every magazine, radio station, and blog seem to do their year-end retrospective this week, here's mine:

Crazy Charlie Sheen made news early in the year. This was my take. It sure provoked a lot of comments.

My book came out in March. What? You haven't ordered yours yet? For only $2.99? It's not too late.

One of my true passions is reviewing cheese-rich reality shows. PREGNANT IN HEELS caught my attention in April.

May was the month where I had my big feud with Roseanne. I was called an "asshat" and "balless little bitch" among others. Here's my response.

I broadcast for the Seattle Mariners last summer and filed travelogues along the way. Here's one.

I traditionally review major award shows. This was my take on the Emmys.

As a public service I explained the secrets of how to create a hit procedural.

In October I uncovered Tweets from Gettysburg.

Stories from my checkered radio days seem to be a favorite. Here's one from my days at W-Drek.

One feature I occasionally do is "Comedy 101" where I show an episode of something I co-wrote and then break it down scene by scene. This is an example.

From time to time I have guest bloggers. This year I was fortunate enough to have a former U.S. president step in for me one day.

The big highlight for me of course was TIME magazine naming this one of the top 25 blogs of the year. I'm still floored. But thanks to them and you for your patronage. On to 2012. Let's see what celebrity calls me an "asshat" next year.

Mission Impossible vs. Sherlock Holmes

2011-12-27T05:55:00.000-08:00

Instead of taking a sleigh to grandma’s house or making snowmen or handing out candy canes I went to action movies. Saw both SHERLOCK HOLMES and MISSION IMPOSSIBLE. Happy to say I liked them both. They each had their strengths and weaknesses. So as a public service I thought I would compare them. Don’t worry. No spoiler alert necessary. I won’t go into the specifics of the plots. I have too much respect for my readers, and I still have no idea what was happening in either movie.

That’s the big problem with most action flicks. Explanations go by so fast that eventually you just stop listening for them and assume whatever it is the hero is trying to achieve it’s important. They need the ___________’s, they need to stop _____________ from ____________ and must do it before __________. Usually at a grand formal ball. There are always codes to be broken, explosions, and gunfire. The number of direct hits vs. misses: Good guys 50-51, bad guys 0-50,000.

So to compare:

DIRECTOR: Both Brad Bird (MI) and Guy Richie (SHERLOCK) know how to stage an action sequence. Richie employs more technical trickery – slow motion and the like, but Brad gives you more “jump out of your seat” moments. Number of times you’ll say “How did they do that?”: Richie 15, Bird 7. But number of times you’ll say “Why did they do that?” Richie 15, Bird 6.

SCRIPT: The Sherlock screenplay by Michele Mulrooney & Kieran Mulroney is half really clever and half confusing mess. And I’m a little biased because the new TV version of Sherlock Holmes written by Steven Moffat is far more clever and ingenious and doesn’t require $100 million in special effects to pull it off. The MI screenplay by Josh Appelbaum & Andre Nemec is fast-paced and fun, and mostly followable. The suspension of disbelief comes when you see all the high tech gadgets that just seem to pop out of Felix the Cat’s magic bag whenever needed. MI held my interest more but SHERLOCK had a great battle of wits between hero and villain. Note to action directors: sometimes the best scenes are those between two characters just playing chess.

HEROES: Tom Cruise vs. Robert Downey Jr. Downey gets the edge for cool. He’s much more insouciant than Cruise. Tom’s sphincter is clenched the entire movie. But when it comes to actual stunts, I gotta give the nod to Tom. He scales skyscrapers and drives things off of cliffs. I get the feeling Robert (as Sherlock) would just figure a clever way to get the key.

VILLAINS – SHERLOCK has the big edge here. Jared Harris as Moriarity was a hoot. The perfect champagne villain. Hard to believe he’s the same guy who plays mousey Lane Pryce on MAD MEN. Don Draper better watch his ass. The MI villain wore nice suits.

SIDEKICKS: Jude Law as Watson was fun, although it bothered me that sometimes he walked with a limp, but when someone was shooting at him he could outrun Carl Lewis. Jeremy Renner was equally effective. You get the feeling he’s just waiting to star in his own action vehicle.

THE HOT GIRL: I’m in love with MI’s Paula Patton. Newcomer Noomi Rapace was okay in SHERLOCK but I have no idea why she was there. And I missed Rachael McAdams who had a much larger role in the first SHERLOCK.

COMIC RELIEF – Simon Pegg got every laugh in MI, but Stephen Fry in SHERLOCK was hilarious. Advantage: Fry.

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 4 was a pleasant surprise because some of its predecessors were uh… well, they sucked. SHERLOCK 2 was about the same as SHERLOCK 1. Neither is going to win many Academy Awards but they both had their moments and I didn’t have to wear funny glasses to see them.

What did you guys think?

What to do today?

2011-12-26T05:57:00.000-08:00

So this is Christmas celebration day – as opposed to celebrating Christmas on Christmas day. The real reason for this of course is to squeeze an extra day off from work. It’s an idea I heartily approve and you non-Americans should definitely try to get it instituted in your country, too. Jews have Hanukah, which is eight days, and trust me -- we tried to get all eight days off from work. It didn’t fly. It’s hard to justify missing over a week for a holiday whose spelling no one can agree on. But one extra day, that our workforce can manage.

The trouble is, honestly, what is there left to celebrate? Once you’ve opened the presents, sung the songs, decorated the tree, eaten the ham, watched A CHRISTMAS STORY and LICENSE TO KILL, and suffered through a day of your relatives you’re pretty much done for the year. Monday is spent returning crap or looking for things to do. Hardly a gala celebration.

This is very reminiscent of whenever we have to write a two-parter on a sitcom. Usually what happens is this: We come up with an idea for an episode. As we start to break the story we find there are too many scenes for one episode. Sometimes we can find a way to pare things down so it fits. But more often when this occurs we’ll think, “Great! Two-parter! One less story to dream up!” And we’ll continue plotting.

But here’s the unfortunate truth that we ignore every time. With rare exceptions what you have is enough story for a show-and-a-half. Too much for one, not enough for two. So we find ways to pad to fill up part two. Not the best storytelling, but the lure of not having to come up with another story is too enticing.

So the next time you see a two-parter, be on the lookout for this. Where are scenes stretched? Where does the narrative start to drag? Where so they go off on tangents for no apparent reason?

What am I saying “the next time you see a two-parter”? What else have you got to do today? Go to Netflix. Check out your favorite sitcoms and screen two-parters all day. The first Christmas celebration day tradition is born!

It sure beats working. Or more caroling.

A real holiday treat

2011-12-25T10:25:00.000-08:00

Remember when radio stations would do big year-end specials? They'd play the top hits of the past year, have produced retrospectives, countdowns, contests, custom jingles for the occasion. Now only three companies own all the radio stations in America and they celebrate the season by firing those few employees they still have.

Well, good news! Fun radio still lives! Okay, you have to go to the internet to find it, but still!

Great Big Radio has begun a week long celebration of 1968 -- a great year for music (Beatles, Doors, Simon & Garfunkel, Otis Redding, Temptations, Dylan, Aretha, Hendrix, Janis, the 1910 Fruit Gum Company),a truly shitty year for world events,and a zany year for pop culture. You'll hear it all -- the songs, commercials, news bytes, classic radio broadcasts, even top of the hour ID's! Check 'em out. Here's their site but they're also on fifteen apps and streaming services.

Stagger back to the days when radio mattered and styles were ridiculous.

Our holiday greetings

2011-12-25T05:56:00.001-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS

from the Levine family to yours...

All I want for Christmas...

2011-12-24T13:01:00.000-08:00

is Jews.

The gifts you can't return

2011-12-24T05:56:00.000-08:00

One clear sign that it’s Christmas in LA is that you see more TV show jackets. For years that has been the Christmas gift of choice for staffs of television series. Which if fine if you work on THE OFFICE, not so fine if you work on WORLD'S BIGGEST LOSER.

You feel a little bit like a schmuck anyway, wearing a show jacket, like you’re bragging, hoping to impress “the chicks”. Trust me, an AMISH IN THE CITY fleece is not an aphrodisiac.

Other gifts are traditionally baseball caps (when show runners don’t want to pop for jackets for the crew), T-shirts (same deal), and if you ever get a show mug you know you’re about to be cancelled.

One year on CHEERS we received lovely dart boards. At the time everyone had young children. I don’t think anyone even took them out of the box. (I’m sure there’s still one or two floating around ebay). On MASH one year the cast gave us all engraved watches. It was a beautiful gift, one I still have. The next season the new writer on the staff was counting the days until the big gift. It turned out to be a custom 33 rpm album of all the scenes in which the cast sang on the show. He was livid. “You guys get watches and I get a fucking album of Loretta Swit singing?!” (I don’t even think ebay has that one).

Most studios gave out big gift baskets, silver key chains, bottles of nice wine, Walkmen, DVD collections, etc. For many years I worked at a studio where the holiday gifts were always disaster first aid kits, huge honkin’ flashlights, Thomas’ road maps, and earthquake preparedness guides. Everything spelled doom, especially the present that came two years ago…the mug. I’m no longer at that studio.

Oh well, I still have my memories. And my IT’S ALL RELATIVE fleece, BIG WAVE DAVE’S cap, ALMOST PERFECT sweatshirt, LATELINE jacket, KIRSTIN fleece, CONRAD BLOOM bowling shirt, ASK HARRIETT t-shirt, and GEORGE & LEO belt buckle…which I would all gladly trade for one MODERN FAMILY handkerchief.

Let's do lunch/dinner/breakfast but not coffee

2011-12-23T05:59:00.000-08:00

Something to read in line while buying Christmas gifts – some Friday Questions.

First up is EnvyYou.

As a German scribe and filmmaker, I often read or hear about the meeting etiquette of Hollywood. You touched the topic briefly. It sounds like a bastard version of "THE CODE" or "THE RULES". But how could a newbie decipher that? What does a Wednesday one-on-one breakfast meet at Musso's&Frank's mean? Or if the producer/agent/unknown wannabe bigwig meets you in a coffee franchise shop? It would be fun and enlightening if you could decode the between-the-lines of the Hollywood business restaurant meetings. And who is paying the bill?

Where you are taken and at what time determines your importance in the industry. Obviously, dinners are reserved for high-end clients. Lunches also signify genuine interest. Breakfast usually means “we’re willing to maintain a relationship but don't buy a house”. And if an agent just wants to “grab coffee” that's the Hollywood equivalent of detention .

The venue itself also speaks volumes. I’m not an A-list writer so I’m sure I’m way behind on the top trendy hot spots. But I’m guessing Mastro’s, Spago’s, Mr. Chow’s, the Ivy – wherever stars hang out.

The Palm and the Grill on the Alley are more staid but still popular among agents. Of course, which table you’re seated at is also telling.

Lunch at one of those haunts is also a good sign. Musso & Frank would definitely be second-tier. No one expects to be seen there except local news anchors. And if you can’t “be seen” then what’s the point? Other second-tier eateries would include Kate Mantalini’s, the Daily Grill, the Cheesecake Factory, and any deli.

Breakfasts are generally write-offs. Makes no difference where they take you. They still have to leave in 45 minutes and generally no one orders anything expensive anyway.

Warning: If your agent just wants to meet you for coffee you’re in trouble.

From Nick:

Shows like Dallas and Rosanne have used the 'the last season/ last four years' was a dream plot twist. What is your opinion of this narrative technique and has it ever been used well in TV?

I think it’s a cheat and generally hate it… with one exception – the end of NEWHART where we learned the whole series was a dream by Bob Hartley of THE BOB NEWHART SHOW. Otherwise, the idea of just negating your entire show by saying it was merely a dream is the ultimate bait and switch.

Here’s essentially the same question from two readers:

J. Allison:

I'm wondering how upset you or other writers get when you see your work hacked to bits in syndication. The other night we saw a MASH episode on TV Land that was so cut up that the plot ceased to make any sense. Does this frustrate you or do the syndication checks ease the pain?

And from Brad Peterson:

Ken, as a writer, how do you feel when you see an episode of "Cheers" or "M*A*S*H" you've written with 3-4 minutes excised for syndication?

I can’t even watch some of my shows that have been hacked in syndication. MASH is the worst. Some of those shows are so poorly chopped up that the stories no longer make any sense. Whole scenes are lifted, sometimes arbitrarily. I often wonder who the studios hired to edit these things. They probably just posted an ad at the Butchers Union.

On the other hand, I still do enjoy the residuals so I can’t complain too loudly.

And finally, from Liggie:

Friday question, from a screenplay newbie. Which is better for protection before submitting the script to readers/editors/whomever, a WGA registration or a Copyright acquisition? (Of course, insert "answer will not substitute for legal advice" disclaimer here.)

Do them both.

What's your question? And drive safely this holiday weekend.

No worries

2011-12-22T05:56:00.000-08:00

photo by H. Hoffman

Here is my latest travelogue. For more of these, I invite you to buy my book, WHERE THE HELL AM I? TRIPS I HAVE SURVIVED. E-book is only $2.99. Orders a dozen right here.

I can’t think of a better way to start a vacation than to read that American Airlines has just filed for bankruptcy and then five minutes later having to hop on an American Airline flight. Fortunately, they didn’t run out of gas over Catalina and were able to land safely in paradise. Again this year, beautiful Maui – where the Botox meets the beach.

photo by H. Hoffman

Last couple of years we stayed at a condo in the Ecoli Village. This year we moved across the road to a unit in the Ebola Colony. Other than the day we had to vacate seven hours for exterminators it was perfectly lovely. And we felt a much greater sense of security. There’s a guard gate at the entrance and except that it’s unmanned 95% of the time and there are no fences around the complex, the Ebola Colony is virtually impenetrable!

The rest of the family came in shifts -- our son, Matt and his new wife, Kim (now married longer than Kim Kardashian and hoping to surpass Khloe Kardashian), daughter Annie (Tina Fey but Jewish and without her own show yet), and friend, Howard (who claimed to be one of my illegitimate kids from Bakersfield).

Our downstairs neighbor was an interesting gentleman. Dennis Hopper in APOCOLYPSE NOW. But when I needed to borrow Peyote, it was sure convenient.

Maui Memorial Hospital is aptly named. Locals advise heart attack victims to insist paramedics drive them to Oahu. Medical care is a big problem on the island. Fortunately, no retirees ever come to Maui.

And yet the current Hawaiian catchphrase is “no worries”. King Kamehameha has been replaced by Alfred E. Newman.

THE DESCENDENTS, a wonderful movie set in Hawaii, opened everywhere in late November… except Hawaii.

Hawaii’s musicians are no longer eligible for a Hawaii Grammy Award. I don’t know why. However, they can compete in the new, umbrella Regional Roots category. Although I expect Adele to win that one too.

A Ramada hotel on Oahu paid a guy to recycle two hundred Panasonic television sets. He said “no worries”. And then dumped them all along the side of a road, strewn for miles. No worries but four priors.

And a man was arrested in Waianae for shooting a woman with a spear gun. During whale watching season this is considered a “domestic dispute”.

photo by me, if you can believe it

Other than the parking lot at Costco, everywhere you look in Hawaii is a photo opportunity. Even the road littered with old TV’s is eye-popping at sunset.

Being in Hawaii on December 7th is always emotional. More so this year because it was the 70th anniversary of Pearl Harbor, the new $56 million Arizona Memorial visitor center has opened, and the last few survivors of the attack reunited for what is scheduled to be the final time. Remember Pearl Harbor, even if you’re too young to know why.

Matt & Kim went ziplining (also known as aerial runway, aerial ropeslide, and the death slide) through the rainforest. You travel via cable from the top of a mountain to the bottom, surrounded by spectacular scenery and emergency airlift personnel. According to Matt, other than them, everyone was there working through a midlife crisis -- men still virile enough to spit in the face of danger (while strapped tightly in five harnesses).

The poster boy for “no worries” is Hawaii resident, Alvin Wong, a 69-year-old Chinese-American converted Jew who according to a recent Gallop poll is the “happiest man in America.” Put him in a room for three minutes with Keith Olbermann, he’s jumping off Diamond Head.

Went upcountry several times to one of my favorite restaurants -- the Hali’imaile General Store. Their website says it’s located among beautiful pineapple fields. Yeah… and also Quonset huts and flatbed trucks. But it’s worth the trek for their phenomenal sashimi napoleon -- the tantric sex of appetizers.

The other must-gorge place on the island is Sansei sushi. Located in a shopping center just three doors down from the Rainbow Attic souvenir shop and four doors down from the Kihei police station. Sansei offers the most innovative seafood and sushi you’ll find this side of New Jersey. (Michael, the manager, hails from the Garden State, but hey, New Jersey is pretty much just considered Japan-West, isn’t it?). The panko crusted Ahi sashimi roll has won every award including the Stanley Cup.

There are almost as many Hawaiians living in Las Vegas as in Hawaii.

photo by me again

Spent an afternoon browsing the art galleries and T-shirt emporiums of quaint harbor town, Lahaina. One gallery proudly featured the paintings of Red Skelton, Anthony Quinn, Burt Young, and Picasso. There’s also a Martin Lawrence gallery. I assume it’s not the fine actor, Martin Lawrence. None of the salespeople had guns and there was no Def Post-Impressionism Jam exhibit.

A typical day in Maui: Sunny in Wailea, partly cloudy in Lahaina, flash-floods at the Ritz-Carlton Kapalua. They always get the worst weather. The Kapalua is the Candlestick Park of luxury resorts.

Ziplining is apparently safer than the Grand Wailea Hotel kiddie rapid water slides. They were closed for "emergency non-scheduled repairs." But no worries. Once reopened there seemed to be a lot more 40 year-old men with dyed hair and new tattoos in line.

Walking-disaster, Lindsay Lohan vacationed on the islands so of course a police incident resulted. She claims someone stole her $5,000 purse (who brings a $5,000 purse to the beach?), which contained $10,000 in cash (you never know when you might want to buy a shave ice). I hope she was on drugs or drunk. I’d hate to think she was just that stupid. Next time, Lindsay (assuming you’re not in prison), stay at the Ebola Colony. NORAD is harder to break into.

A woman posing as a guest at the Grand Wailea was busted after stealing a lot of iPhones and tablets around the pool area. (If only she knew where Lindsay was staying.) As she was walking away down the beach path she noticed two burly officers closing in so she just started casually tossing iPhones and iPads and kindles out of her bag -- y'know, like feeding pigeons. Meanwhile, at the Ebola Colony our downstairs neighbor was able to stash kilos of Maui Wowie and still keep his door unlocked.

My wife was stung by a bee. We asked locals where to go for first aid and they said Kwajalein on the Marshall Islands.

The cineplex in Kihei is fine if you don't mind that heads are cut off at the top of the screen. We saw the Muppet movie starring Kermit and Miss Piggy and a tall guy who sounded like maybe Jason Segal? It was like watching movies at camp. I asked if they were going to get THE DESCENDENTS and no one had even heard of it. It takes place in freakin' Hawaii!!! They were getting ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: CHIP-WRECKED though, so “no worries”.

Now that everyone has Kindles it's hard to tell what the most popular book on the beach is. But judging by the number of people who muttered, "what an asshole" I'm guessing it's the Steve Jobs biography.

The one thing you don’t want to see on the road to Hana: A car with the sign “student driver.”

Saw the first Hollywood agent of the season so knew it was time to return home. As always, had a fabulous time and was thrilled by the spectacular beauty and healing qualities of these remarkable islands (and at non-peak season prices!).

Next year join us.

And finally, I leave you with this:

“Ua pili anei keia 'ohune i ke komo hawele li a me ka holo wawae ma kahakai?” -- Can wearing a thong and running on the beach cause a rash like this?

This is the kind of fine establishment I want to frequent

2011-12-21T16:07:00.000-08:00

Christmas Eve of Destruction

2011-12-21T05:55:00.000-08:00

Because you can hear "Joy to the World" only so many times, here's the contrasting point-of-view. Set up by an excerpt from my memoir of growing up in the '60s (which will finally be out early next year!). The video provided comes from a network teen music show on NBC called HULLABALOO. Like SNL, it featured a weekly guest host, someone kids would find totally cool. This week's guest was Jerry Lewis. No wonder no one watched HULLABALOO. I also love in this video that to sell the theme of the song, Barry McGuire is surrounded by burned out cars and Go-Go dancers. Enjoy the excerpt and the video.

1965 was really the last year of the 1950’s. We still thought and acted like we were in The Donna Reed Show or Ozzie and Harriet. There was an innocence that steadfastly persisted despite pesky flashes of reality – riots, a war, civil unrest, drugs, teen rebellion.

But we were growing more and more uneasy, to the point where we had to finally take action: We sang.

My generation could not have a thought or a feeling or bowel movement without singing about it. So out of this unrest came “the protest song.” Bob Dylan and Joan Baez were the vanguards, but the tune that perhaps had the biggest impact was “Eve of Destruction” by Barry McGuire. Barry McGuire had been the lead singer of The New Christy Minstrels, a wholesome collection of apple-cheeked young goody-gooders who sang about hayrides and gooseberry preserves. McGuire veered somewhat from the Hootenanny by singing a tale of imminent world doom. Within weeks it was the number one record in the country. Written by P.F. Sloan, the lyrics were filled with cheery bon mots like “the world is exploding”, bodies are floating in the Jordan River, the button could be pushed at any moment, and the world will soon be in a grave, De-lightful!

The song fed directly into the terror and foreboding fear we all lived with every single day… although it wasn’t so terrifying that we didn’t buy the record and dance to it at parties.

the NFL Pro Hollywood Boot Camp

2011-12-20T05:55:00.001-08:00

So all the idiots who beat me out for girls in high school are now trying to take jobs away from me as well. Swell! From Peter King of Sports Illustrated:

"And the league will announce this week the NFL Pro Hollywood Boot Camp in April, designed to help players interested in screenwriting, producing, film financing and the business of motion pictures."

Hey, great! Forget all the advice I ever gave you dear readers on how to break into the business. Play professional football.

“Aaron Rodgers, you just won the Superbowl. Where you going?”

“To Paramount where I have a three picture deal!”

Watch. My agent drops me for Steeler Rashard Mendenhall, who upon learning of Bin Laden's death tweeted this: What kind of person celebrates death? It’s amazing how people can HATE a man they have never even heard speak. We’ve only heard one side…

On the other hand, I’d like to be in the room when a network executive gives Steelers’ linebacker James Harrison script notes.

And I must make a note to myself to add a rule at my next Sitcom Room seminar that there is no tackling allowed during rewrite sessions.

(Note to Tim Tebow: You might not want to join the staff of CALIFORNICATION. And thank God we didn’t have Michael Vick on the staff of FRASIER. “Hey, where’s Eddie?”)

I give the NFL credit for trying to help its players find gainful employment after they retire or are declared legally crippled, and who knows? Among the Bengals’ secondary there might be the next Tina Fey. But on a serious note, I say to these players -- beware.

Hollywood is happy to embrace you and your money the same way Vegas casinos do. Screenwriting, producing, and learning how to finance takes TIME. A lot more time than a boot camp will provide. But Hollywood will be happy to fast-track you because of your name and fortune. And if you think Hall-of-Famer Jim Marshall was good at take-aways you should see the entertainment industry.

But if you’re serious, and you really want to pursue a career in show business when you’re concussion-suffering days are done, I’ve got a great screenplay and for only five million dollars we could really make a killing! And don't feel bad about taking all those cheerleaders away from me. You're paying the alimony, not me.

Another bizarre casting story

2011-12-19T05:55:00.000-08:00

Mid ‘90s, doing ALMOST PERFECT starring Nancy Travis. In the show she’s supposed to be the showrunner of a fictional cop show. We wanted to do the scene where she has to fire her first person. And we thought it would be fun to give the fire-ee the worst possible reaction. So we created a character of an incompetent writers’ assistant. And when Nancy finally has to fire her she has a complete and utter meltdown. She screams, “NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!” and just goes ballistic – wailing and shrieking and pleading and crying. All the while, poor Nancy is having to react to this. (As I noted in a recent post, the ability to cry and be funny is an art that most comic actresses do not have.)

So we set up a casting session.

We had our own little bungalow right in the center of the Paramount lot. On the appointed day, maybe ten girls came in to audition. Now you have to picture it:

Passerby on a lazy Tuesday morning and from this bungalow they hear girls screaming and crying at the top of their lungs. They hear, “Please don’t! I’ll do anything you ask! ANYTHING!” They wail uncontrollably.

Oh, and that’s another thing – we thought it would be amusing if they just kept on shrieking. It was the storm that never passed. So folks were treated to young women crying relentlessly.

Talk about the worst boss in history. It sounded like we were horsewhipping these ingénues.

(Just once I’d like to see someone react that way on THE APPRENTICE when Donald Trump fires them.)

One gallant individual actually entered the building to offer assistance. Once he saw six other girls in the foyer holding script sides he knew it was either a casting session or Joseph Stalin had set up shop with a production deal at the studio.

But someone must have notified Human Resources. Later that day we were paid a very stern visit by an H & R person. “That is NOT the way we do things here at Paramount!” she told us, and then was appalled when we reacted by laughing hysterically.

We explained the situation, she harrumphed and left. I always regret not having our secretary then scream bloody murder just as she stepped out of the bungalow.

By the way, the part went to Jenna Elfman, one of her first acting gigs. And she was hilarious. One of our very best hires...and fires.

The Christmas I got fired

2011-12-18T05:57:00.000-08:00

One of the many reasons I became a writer is that I got tired of being fired as a disc jockey. Today marks the 38th anniversary of the last time I signed off my show with “see you tomorrow” and was never heard from again. This is a blog tradition: the anniversary of the Christmas I was fired.

1974, I’m Beaver Cleaver on KSEA, San Diego, playing “The Night Chicago Died” and “Billy Don’t Be a Hero” five times a night and seriously considering blowing my brains out. Yes, I know – why “Beaver Cleaver”? Ken Levine sounded too Jewish. (Reelradio.com has some of my embarrassing airchecks.)

The fall rating book came out, the numbers were not good, and at 3:00 I was told to hurry down to the station for an all-important staff meeting at 4:00. We all assembled and were told the station had decided to change formats to gospel and we were all being let go. “Even me?” I said in mock amazement. “Especially you.” “But I could change my name to Eldridge Cleaver.” “I’m going to need your station key”.

Quick aside: a year earlier at KMEN San Bernardino they wanted to get rid of me by moving me from the evening shift to the all-night show. The cheap bastards were hoping I’d quit so they wouldn’t have to pay severance (maybe $300 at most) and be on the hook for unemployment insurance. I asked the program director to at least do the humane thing and fire my sorry ass. “Nope”, he said, “Starting tonight you’re midnight to six.” So I stopped off at the local record store, picked up an LP, and dutifully reported on time for my shift.

Like KSEA, we were a high energy Top 40 station. (Our program director was in love with WLS whose slogan was “the Rock of Chicago” so we became the much catchier “Rock of the Inland Empire”.) I signed on and started playing the hits. Then at 12:30 segued smartly into FIDDLER ON THE ROOF….in Yiddish. The entire album. I was fired during “Anatefka”.

Back to the KSEA staff meeting -- Our morning man, Natural Neil asked when this format change was taking place. A month? A week? The program director looked at his watch and said “45 minutes”. And with that we were all canned. KSEA was gone…along with the promotion we were running at the time --

“Christmas the way it was meant to be!”

Why I go to Maui

2011-12-17T13:58:00.000-08:00

And why I'm still here. These are just a few of the pictures my son, Matt took from Maui (when he wasn't pulling vicious pranks on his dear father). If you're interested, you can see more here.

And below are two pictures that I took. Who's the better photographer? You decide.

FCC puts a stop to loud commercials (yeah, right)

2011-12-17T05:55:00.000-08:00

The FCC earlier this week passed a law requiring broadcasters and Pay TV distributors to air commercials at the same volume as regular programming. No longer can they jack up the volume during commercials. It will take a year for this law to be fully implemented (why, I don't know. How long does it take to turn a knob down?)

How fucking stupid are commercial makers? Do they think we don't know that their spots come on and almost blow us out of the room? What happens is this: we dive for the remote. And when we already have the remote in our hand we then fast forward through the commercial -- a commercial we might have sat through had it not been so loud and piercing.

Advertisers have to make the commercials MORE appealing to us, not less. Especially now when it is so easy to bypass them.

Of course, here's the upshot: there will be no way to actually monitor whether commercials are aired at a consistent level. But distributors are off the hook if they can certify that they're complying with the rules. So of course the law is a joke.

Hand me the remote.

Friday Questions

2011-12-16T05:55:00.000-08:00

Take a break from Christmas shopping by perusing some Friday Questions. (By the way: I wear a size “car”.)

purplejilly gets us started:

This question comes from my husband, a longtime Cheers and Orioles fan. He always felt like the character of Sam Malone might have been based on Jim Palmer (for the ego). He was wondering if you are allowed to say who Sam was based on, and if it was more than one MLB player.

Actually, when first conceived, Sam Malone was a former football player with the Patriots. But when Ted Danson won the part, the Charles Brothers felt he was more believable as a former baseball player than football player. So no, Jim Palmer wasn’t the role model. But if they were looking for one, Jim would have been perfect (except he was addicted to golf instead of alcohol).

From R:

Do actor's managers get any extra coin for scouring the internet comment sections?

No, but that now does seem to be part of their job. I imagine they have interns who do the scouring for them. But they are out there, heroically defending their clients from snarky irresponsible blogs like this one.

From Powerhouse Salter:

Apart from toning down language, how much might a line get changed between when it's filmed and when it's dubbed for clarity by the original actor?

The problem with changing lines is that the mouths have to match. We would rarely substitute dialogue when asking an actor to re-do a line for clarity. Except on MASH in operating room scenes. Since everyone was wearing masks it was a breeze to give actors new lines, which we frequently did.

PolyWogg wonders:

Let's say you get your pilot approved, the champagne flows, everything's rosy, and eight episodes later, they're knocking down your set and tossing the signage due to *gasp* cancellation. Would the writers ever reveal what / where they had planned to take the show if asked later, or do they tend to bury it and/or hope for a revival so keep it to themselves? A lot of shows in the last 10 years had mythology that died with cancellation -- would love to know where they had planned for it to go, but would they be likely to share their original plan, if asked? Taye Digg's Day Break comes to mind.

Depends on the showrunner and how much pre-planning he had. I think I read where the creator of FLASH FORWARD had two years of storylines prepared. Personally, I think it would be a nice courtesy to fans to tell them what was planned.

My partner and I created three series – MARY, BIG WAVE DAVE’S, and ALMOST PERFECT – that were cancelled. If we had been given enough lead time with ALMOST PERFECT to do a final episode we had planned on bringing back all the characters from the other two series and wrap up three series at once. For the eight people who cared.

Finally, from Thomas:

Do you laugh at your own jokes?

Well, someone has to.

But the serious answer is no, not often. Comedy writers are notorious for not laughing. Someone will pitch a great joke in the room and four writers will nod and say, “That’s funny. Yeah. Let’s go with that.”

I’ll laugh more at actors delivering my jokes, but that’s in appreciation of their performance. It’s amazing how much funnier a line gets when David Hyde Pierce delivers it.

What’s your question?

Take the new improved Pepsi Challenge!

2011-12-15T05:59:00.000-08:00

Aloha! Always fun to take the Pepsi Challenge. Which of these two do you prefer?

Pepsi or Coke?

Diane Chambers or Rebecca Howe?

Tom Brady or Aaron Rodgers?

Advil or Aleve?

Magic or Bird?

Batman or Superman?

The View or The Talk?

Eva Longoria or Evan Longoria?

Kimmel or Ferguson?

Adele or Barbra?

James Dean or Heath Ledger?

Reese Witherspoon or Reese’s Pieces?

The old HAWAII FIVE-0 or the new HAWAII FIVE-0?

Facebook or Twitter?

Ben Affleck or Aflac Insurance?

Bill Maher or Keith Olbermann?

Suri Cruise or Siri iPhone?

Angelina or Brad?

George Clooney or Rosemary Clooney?

Mitch or Cam?

Claire or Gloria?

Texts or IM’s?

Iron Man or Iron Chef?

Charlie Sheen or Ashton Kutcher?

Sirius/XM or Pandora?

Flintstones or Jetsons?

Betty or Wilma?

FRASIER or CHEERS?

George Reeves or Christopher Reeve?

Egg McMuffin or Breakfast Jack?

Kate Olsen or Ashley Olsen?

Jake Gyllenhaal or Maggie Gyllenhaal?

Great taste or less filling?

Cher or Tallulah Morehead?

Kindle or Nook?

Rocky or Bullwinkle?

AMERICAN IDOL or THE X-FACTOR?

Disneyland or Disneyworld?

Elvis Costello or Lou Costello?

Elvis Costello or Elvis Andrus?

Buzz or Woody?

Woody or Mel?

James T. Kirk or Jean-Luc Picard?

The AMA Awards or the ACM Awards?

Joe Buck (Fox) or Joe Buck (MIDNIGHT COWBOY)?

Laverne or Shirley?

Bert or Ernie?

Paul Rudd or Paul Rudnick?

Macy’s Day Parade or Rose Parade?

Baltimore Colts or Baltimore Ravens?

Herman Cain or Justice Clarence Thomas?

Pubic hair on Coke can or Pepsi can?

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT or COMMUNITY?

Kim Kardashian or Jenna Jamison?

Subways or busses?

The Subway or Quizno’s?

Albert Pujols or Willie Mays?

Viagra or Cialis?

Zombies or Vampires?

Zombies or Gerry & the Pacemakers?

Adam Sandler or a crutch?

Christmas or New Year’s?

Siri's revenge

2011-12-14T05:58:00.000-08:00

I’ve mentioned in the past how I've pulled my share of practical jokes. (My partner, David Isaacs and I wrote all of the Bar Wars episodes of CHEERS). Well, I’m not the only one in my family.

At the moment I’m still in Maui. I’ve become friends with one of the waiters at the Grand Wailea poolside burger shack. (He refilled my ice tea once. I love the man.) I told him my son Matt was due to arrive the next day and would he help play a prank on him? Matt is an engineer for Apple computers and as you can imagine, there’s nothing he loves more than people asking for tech support (myself included). So I said to my waiter chum, “When Matt comes tomorrow tell him you’ve got a problem with your Mac laptop and that I said he’d be happy to help you.”

Sure enough – next day, we’re at lunch, the waiter ambles by, and asks Matt if he’d look at his laptop. Although steam was escaping from his ears, Matt graciously said he would. At that point we let him in on the joke.

He said he would get back at me.

A few nights later my wife and I are at dinner with two other couples. I just got the new iPhone4S and am showing off the new Siri feature. I ask her when the Superbowl is? She didn’t understand the question. So I ask her again but with more of a ‘tude this time. I said, “When is next year’s Superbowl, bitch?”

She answers: “I don’t know, Jackass!”

You can imagine the laugh this got at the table. Getting royally insulted by my iPhone.

And as we were driving home a new concern crossed my mind. Based on the input she receives, Siri “learns” things. Does she now just assume I'm a giant asshole? I mean, calling me a Jackass was pretty rude!” Was I forever to be hated by my cellphone?

Well, it turns out Matt programmed Siri to call me that. You can do that I guess.

Good one, Matt!

I’m currently reading the Steve Jobs book. In it, I've learned he loved pulling practical jokes. I’ve always been proud that my son works for Apple Computer. But now I know, he really belongs.

For the record: Siri now calls me Kenny. At least to my face. Behind my back – God knows.

The James Bond movie you probably never saw

2011-12-13T05:56:00.001-08:00

In the midst of last months' James Bond marathon I caught ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE. I don't think I've seen it since it first came out... in 1969. It’s pretty much the forgotten Bond film because it was the only one that starred George Lazenby. He had the misfortune of replacing Sean Connery and for good measure, was not an accomplished actor. He was more of a male model.

At the time he was skewered by the critics and public, and the movie essentially became the Fredo of the series.

But watching it again in retrospect, I have to say it was not that bad. In fact, it was way better than a lot of the later idiotic MOONRAKER and later Bond films. In one, Denise Richards plays a nuclear physicist for Crissakes!

Lazenby was not very good, and it was hard for me to really take him seriously since he looked like a more handsome Soupy Sales, but he sure wasn’t much worse than Timothy Dalton. He tried to have fun with the role, and so what if for one movie James Bond was a little goofy?

But the plot was pretty good. It stayed very true to Ian Fleming’s book and was a lot more realistic than later 007 adventures where he’s on the moon or taking Denise Richards seriously.

Telly Savalas supplied the necessary panache required for a Bond super villain. And also the necessary stupidity to tell Bond his world domination plan and save killing him for later instead of just putting a bullet in his head and going back to stroking his cat.

The Bond Girl was leggy Diana Rigg. And anyone who grew up watching THE AVENGERS in the ‘60s was already madly in love with her. So this perpetual adolescent was way on board in this most-crucial category.

The film also featured that great John Barry score with all those familiar kick-ass guitar instrumentals. (Side note: Why the producers of HAWAII 5-0 don’t play that damn theme every time there’s so much as someone walking fast I do not know. That song is the ONLY reason to watch that show!)

But the best thing about ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE was that I hadn’t seen it in so long. I’ve probably seen every other Bond movie at least twice. Don’t you notice that when you come across a Bond marathon you always recognize the movie? You don’t always remember which one it is – you go “Oh yeah, the stupid Egypt one” or “the stupid Swiss Chalet” one -- but you watch the action sequence that you’ve seen already nine times. You try not to think how old that Bond girl is today, and you just resign yourself to whoever Bond is at that moment even if it’s not your favorite. (And by the way, although most people claim Sean Connery is their fave, there are a lot of folks who grew up on Roger Moore and prefer his interpretation. I can’t argue with that.) But it was great fun to watch sequences I hadn’t seen in decades. Even though some of the shots were adventures in bad blue screen -- the action, the James Bond theme, and the twenty guys after 007 all in matching uniforms shooting and missing at least 20,000 times (you’d think super villains could afford better marksmen… I mean, how much must those secret hilltop high-tech compounds that commision cost? Explosives alone have to be in the tens of thousands.) it still adds up to a real adrenaline jolt.

And then there’s the ending. I won’t spoil it in case you haven’t seen it or read the book, but suffice it to say this movie does not have your typical Bond in a raft with Carey Lowell wrap-up.

I’m sure there will be another Bond marathon coming this Christmas. Because ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE stars George Lazenby it’s usually buried in the middle of night. But tape it. You might be pleasantly surprised. And you can fast-forward through the miles and miles of commercials. Of all the gadgets that Q has invented, nothing comes close to the DVR.

Occupy Comedy!

2011-12-12T05:57:00.000-08:00

Way back in the 1950s (think Terra Nova) the funniest and most prestigious television program was SID CAESER’S SHOW OF SHOWS. This was a live weekly variety show hosted by gifted sketch comedian, Sid Caesar. The skits were literate, sophisticated, and brilliant. The writing staff was the envy of the industry. Mel Brooks, Woody Allen, Larry Gelbart, Carl Reiner,and Neil Simon to name a few Gods. They won Emmys and their work was seen by millions of people each week.

Neil Simon then went on to write sitcoms, specifically THE PHIL SILVERS SHOW – to this day one of the funniest and smartest sitcoms in TV’s checkered history. It won Emmys and was seen by millions of viewers weekly.

And yet, for Neil Simon, and other A-list comedy writers at the time, he hadn’t yet made it. Why?

Because he hadn’t written for the theater.

TV was a stepping stone. But having a hit play on Broadway was the Holy Grail. That’s where the stature, and in success, riches were. (Larry Gelbart was once asked if you could make a living in the theater. “No,” he said, “You can’t make a living but you can make a killing.”)

Simon wrote COME BLOW YOUR HORN, got it produced on Broadway, it was a hit, and he never looked back. You know the string of mega-hits that followed.

As the 1970s approached (think Pleistocene Era), aspiring comedy writers still wanted to write for the theater first. Sitcoms were GREEN ACRES. They held very little sway over wannabe Noel Cowards.

There was a shift in the ‘70s though. Sitcoms got smarter. THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, ALL IN THE FAMILY, MASH, and (ironically since it was adapted from a play) THE ODD COUPLE raised the TV bar considerably.

So aspiring comedy writers (like me) wanted to do both. Broadway was still filled with wonderful plays by gifted playwrights. In addition to Simon there was Woody Allen, Herb Gardner, Chris Durang, Wendy Wasserstein, and others turning out inspiring work.

I bought a couple of volumes of Neil Simon plays and studied them voraciously. I still recommend those books to young writers. See how you can create distinctive characters and how they can move a plot along through hilariously funny dialogue. There’s pace and flow and heart, and it all seems effortless. Certain references may be dated but as a primer for good comedy writing early Neil Simon plays are still the gold standard.

As we segued into the ‘80s (read: Industrial Revolution) two things happened: Sitcoms continued to get more sophisticated and sitcom writers started making way more money. Oh yeah. And you won Emmys. This caused a shift. Suddenly, TV was favored and why not? More money and a much larger audience. And Emmys. Yes, you sacrificed creative control but if you worked on a good show surrounded by good people that didn’t matter as much.

So there were fewer comedy plays on Broadway and aspiring playwrights migrated out west. I would immodestly argue that the writing on CHEERS and FRASIER at its best was every bit as good or better than what was being seen on Broadway.

Come the ‘90s and fewer comedy plays were making it to Broadway. The economics of the theater were changing and big splashy musicals with recognized stars or well-known revivals were becoming the rage.

That’s alright. Comic playwrights still had a forum – television.

But what about today? There are precious few original comedies on Broadway. And even fewer sophisticated television comedies. Gone is FRASIER; the new heralded sitcom is 2 BROKE GIRLS complete with cum stain jokes.

Where can you go to write erudite comedy these days? Cable? Just saw an episode of THE LEAGUE with maybe twenty cum stain jokes. Features? The big holiday release is JACK AND JILL. Cum stain jokes would be an improvement.

FRASIER was not a niche show. CARNAGE was not a niche play. There is an audience – a large audience – that appreciates and wants sophisticated entertainment. And there are a lot of writers out there, lying in the weeds, who would be thrilled to provide it.

As we approach 2012, how about we begin a NEW era? Or at least go back to a better old one? I'd hate to the think that the next Neil Simon will wind up writing questions for JEOPARDY.

How Annie became Annie

2011-12-11T05:55:00.000-08:00

A reader discovered that my daughter Annie's real name is Diana and wondered how and why she made the change. Annie herself has graciously agreed to answer.

There has been an inquiry about my going by Annie rather than Diana. Most of you probably had no idea that my name was Diana unless you've either a) known me since birth b) are a friend of mine or c) have read my father's book (so that's what like two of you?). There was no "Kafka-esque metamorphosis". It was more of a Bruce Wayne/Batman secret identity thing although now that its been revealed I guess my crime-fighting days are over. So you are all to blame when Two-Face starts wreaking havoc again.

Actually my parents always called me "Annie." Other delightful nicknames include Dow Chemical, Porntip and Youngster Fishman. So its not too surprising that I chose to go by Annie instead. Though you're all welcome to call me "Porntip."

In case you missed them...

2011-12-10T12:44:00.000-08:00

A couple of posts from this week kinda got lost because of my Harry Morgan posts, so in case you missed either of 'em:

Notes on Giving Notes

and

How HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER should end

I spent at least fifteen minutes writing each of them so it's a pity to let them go to waste. Thanks.

My favorite Christmas video

2011-12-10T09:10:00.000-08:00

This is Christmas For the Jews by Darlene Love (a la the Phil Spector Christmas album) originally done for SNL written by the brilliant Robert Smigel (aka Triumph the Insult Comic Dog). If this doesn't put you in the spirit, nothing will.

The most INSANE reality show contestants EVER

2011-12-10T05:55:00.001-08:00

And we think we have talent in America. This is from a reality show in India. These guys have a huge future in show business. And they're available for kids parties! Warning: Just a tad violent. All I can say is "Bravo!" and "Yikes!" Gather the whole family and enjoy.

Warning: actors who want to write

2011-12-09T05:56:00.000-08:00

More Friday Questions? You keep askin’ ‘em/I keep answerin’ ‘em.

YEKIMI asks:

I was watching MASH the other day and opening credits said the story was by McLean Stevenson (but written by the writers). My question is how often did the actors suggest story lines? If it was a really awful idea, did you shoot them down gently or just said the heck with it and go with what they suggested? And if they suggested the story and it was made, did they get a little extra in their paycheck?

It doesn’t happen often (thankfully) because it’s almost always an awkward situation. Most of the time their story suggestions are not great and you do have to gently let them down easy. Knowing Larry Gelbart & Gene Reynolds, if they did a story suggested by McLean it had to be a damn good story. They would never do a story just to appease anyone – an actor, the studio, the gardener who offered to trim their trees for free.

Alan Alda was very serious as a writer. It wasn’t just a fun moonlighting thing. When he started (during Gelbart’s years) his first couple of scripts were heavily rewritten. Again, Larry wasn’t going to shoot something he didn’t feel was up to snuff. But over time, more and more of Alan’s drafts were making it into the shooting script.

In thinking about it, it had to be weird for Larry to rewrite Hawkeye lines and tell Hawkeye he wouldn’t say something that Hawkeye himself had written.

I accidentally deleted the questioner’s name. But it’s a good question. So you get an answer and an apology.

As a writer do you think it would help/hinder to go to meetings in a suit and tie? I'm pretty much suit and tie but find myself usually dressed much smarter than my fellow writers who generally turn up looking like hobos.

What does a writer dress like?

A tie is a little much. Go "Business Casual" (whatever the hell that is). I’d say wear a nice collared shirt, sports jacket, or a sweater. I don’t wear sneakers. I don’t wear jeans. I don’t wear shorts. I generally bathe.

A writer I knew pitched a pilot to the president of CBS once wearing workout sweats. He did not sell the pitch, nor was asked back. (Note: apart from CBS, that particular writer should never wear workout sweats.)

How appropriate for the season. Here’s a question from Holly:

Do you think that laugh tracks should continue to be used in new sitcoms? Or, has television comedy evolved beyond the need to tell audiences when to laugh?

I’m not a fan of laugh tracks, especially on single-camera shows. They’re intrusive and artificial.

On multi-camera shows (shot before a studio audience) I believe laughs have to be earned. If a joke doesn’t work then cut it, don’t blast it with the laugh machine. WHITNEY is guilty of that. And all it does is anger the audience even more.

One other note about laugh tracks. Many of them were recorded sixty years ago. And they’re still being used. So essentially, dead people are laughing at your show.

Happily, networks are finally letting producers back off or eliminate laugh tracks. Literally, may they rest in peace.

DyHrdMET wraps it up.

From what I understand, and please correct me if I'm wrong, TV sitcoms usually air on television a couple of weeks after being "filmed in front of a live studio audience" (what is it, 3 or 4 weeks later?). How do they handle explaining important plot points to the studio audience from episodes sequentially before the one being filmed that haven't yet aired?

Before the filming the audience is either shown the pilot (if it’s a new show) or a package of scenes from unaired episodes that they’ll need to fully appreciate the show they’re about to see filmed.

But it tends to be harder for shows to get laughs when the audience is unfamiliar with it, despite having seen the pilot. Case in point: on CHEERS when we would do Norm entrances in the first six or seven episodes they would just die in front of the audience. They didn’t know this was a running bit. By the end, the set-ups were getting big laughs.

What’s your question? I’ll try not to delete your name. Mahalo (I'm still in Hawaii).

Gary Burghoff on Harry Morgan

2011-12-08T09:45:00.000-08:00

I asked Gary Burghoff if we would like to reflect on the passing of Harry Morgan. He sent me this beautiful response:

The last thing our wonderful Harry said to me (about a year ago) was, " I have always thought of the MASH cast as brothers... Oh,...and one sister." (Even over the phone, I could see the twinkled eyes and revealing little smile.) You had to know Harry to appreciate his abundant humor, warmth, kindness, modesty and his special kind of quiet strength. There was not an insecure bone in him. He was a "straight shooter" but also non-judgmental, understanding and tolerant. And, if you screwed up, he was (after an honest and deserved scolding) forgiving. I loved and respected him deeply and will cherish the memory of the time we shared...precious, precious time.

-- Gary Burghoff

Notes on giving notes

2011-12-08T05:55:00.001-08:00

Getting notes is rarely fun. But as all TV and screenwriters know, it’s part of the gig. And more often than not, the notes are coming from authority figures who have no creative instincts or are just clueless in general. Again, not all executives fit into this category. Some are terrific and their input results in a much better script. But for the most part, you’re getting notes from people out of their league. And it’s not that they’re not bright or wonderful people; they’re just not qualified for this task. It’s as if I had to give notes on choreography. “Do we like her when she kicks in that direction?” “I feel there’s too much hopping.” Seriously, what the fuck do I know?

That’s not much different from getting script notes from former business affairs veeps, former lawyers, or 2010 graduates from Smith.

The best notes are the ones seeking clarification. “I didn’t understand this?” “Why is she mad?” If you’re having trouble tracking the story then I haven’t done my job. I will always address those notes.

The second best notes are the ones that are SPECIFIC. If a concern is pinpointed, I can respond to it. Either I can do the note or not, but at least I know what the note is.

There was a longtime executive at a major broadcast network who was notorious for giving the most obtuse notes imaginable. These are two actual notes that I have received from him.

1. (He holds his hand in the air) “You’re script is here.” (He raises the level of his hand) “I’d like it to be here.” Huh????
2. “You’ve given me the meat the vegetables. But it needs more candy.”

How the hell do you write that? You spend half your rewrite just trying to decipher what to do? Have we raised it to this level? Or merely this level? Have we put in too much candy? Have we spoiled the meal? What is candy?

A Supreme Court Justice, I believe, coined the worst note ever. Justice Potter Stewart in 1964 ruled that Obscenity is not covered under the First Amendment. When asked the obvious question, “So what exactly is Obscenity?” he replied:

I shall not today attempt further to define the kinds of material I understand to be embraced within that shorthand description ["hard-core pornography"]; and perhaps I could never succeed in intelligibly doing so. But I know it when I see it,

I KNOW IT WHEN I SEE IT.

Talk about shooting at a moving target. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve received this note. And it’s totally useless. I’m not a mind reader, and even if I were, what good would it do me if you don’t have a thought in your head?

Obviously, you can’t always articulate what your problem is or exactly what you’re looking for. And it’s my job as a writer to provide fresh ideas, surprise you once in awhile. But give me some clues. Give me some parameters. Point to some examples. What was a previous instance and what satisfied you that time? What, do you know for sure, you don’t want?

The answer to I KNOW IT WHEN I SEE IT is...

THEN YOU’LL SEE IT WHEN I KNOW IT.

Give specific notes!!! Thank you on behalf of the entire writing community.

R.I.P. Harry Morgan

2011-12-07T10:02:00.000-08:00

How ironic and bittersweet that Colonel Potter should pass away on Pearl Harbor Day.

Harry Morgan died today at age 96.

As noted elsewhere on this blog, I loved the man.

Knowing Harry, the last thing he would want is a long gushy eulogy.   "Just get on with it, son!" I'm sure he would bellow in that rich deep voice.

So I'll just touch on a few remembrances.   His wit.   Harry had a thousand stories.   That of course comes from appearing in over 100 movies, and probably 10,000 television programs.    He once compared the acting styles of two of his co-stars, Spencer Tracy and Elvis Presley.   He made several movies with Elvis and once said, "it was just my luck to not be in the really good ones."

All it took to get him talking about Jack Webb and his days on DRAGNET was to say, "How's that?" I'd ask if he ever slept with Spring Byington and he would launch into DECEMBER BRIDE tales. (No, he never did, and yes, I know, most of you have never heard of DECEMBER BRIDE or Spring Byington but it was a treat hearing about the very early days of television from one its true pioneers).

Harry was very much like Colonel Potter. He raised horses, and in fact, in the final episode when he says goodbye to Sophie, that really was one of Harry's horses.    The picture on Potter's desk was of Harry's real wife, Eileen.   And the only difference in personalities between Harry and Sherman is that Harry held his liquor better.

He could read a scene once, have it completely memorized, and perform it perfectly take after take. And then compliment a callow 26 year-old writer who wrote it and couldn't believe the great Harry Morgan was even in the same room, much less reading his words.

That he died on the Day of Infamy feels somehow right.   Colonel Potter symbolized the best of the American soldier -- dedication, sacrifice, compassion, and dignity.

In lieu of tears I give you a salute.

And thanks to television and the MASH reruns that hopefully will play forever, we will always Remember Harry Morgan.

Update: I just posted a lovely note about Harry written by Gary Burghoff. You can find it here.

How HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER should end

2011-12-07T05:55:00.001-08:00

I recently did a post on how I thought MAD MEN should end. It’s kind of fun to think about how to wrap up long running series. One show has a built-in last episode. HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER. You figure that on the series finale they will finally reveal just who the mother of Ted’s kids is.

But if I know those writers, they won’t just leave it at that. They’re always great about finding one more little ingenious twist. So if they haven’t already, might I offer the following suggestion?

TED HAS FINISHED HIS STORY. (THE AUDIENCE NOW KNOWS WHO THE MOTHER REALLY IS.) THE KIDS AD LIB, “THANKS, DAD”, “COOL”, “THAT WAS A GREAT STORY BUT IT’S NOW ELEVEN HOURS PAST OUR BEDTIME”. THEY START TO HEAD UP TO THEIR ROOMS WHEN TED STOPS THEM.

TED: Kids, wait. There’s one more thing.

THEY RELUCTANTLY TURN BACK, KNOWING THAT “ONE MORE THING” COULD MEAN ANOTHER ONE HUNDRED AND SEVEN HOURS. TED TAKES A DEEP BREATH, THEN:

TED: Telling you all these stories, and reliving those all those memories – all those great nights just hanging out with my buds, all those women that Uncle Barney slept with, all those women that I slept with – Aunt Robin, y’know she’s still smoking hot – it just occurred to me that those were really the best years of my life. And I gave them up. Why? For what? Now I’m trapped in a house telling bedtime stories instead of living them. And I love your mother, but don’t you think it’s kind of weird that practically all of my stories were about other women? So, I guess what I’m saying is… I’m leaving your mother. I’m too young to just give up and settle down. Aunt Robin just got out of an abusive relationship. I’m going for it, kids!

CUT TO BLACK:

TITLE CARD: Ted will be back next season in HOW I MET YOUR STEP-MOTHER

Whattaya think? I bet CBS would love it. Not to mention all the "Aunt Robin" fans.

The latest inane reality show: EXCUSED

2011-12-06T05:55:00.000-08:00

One of the reasons for this blog, perhaps THE reason for this blog – is to make you aware of the most ridiculous mind-numbing reality shows on the air. Today, allow me to present EXCUSED.

This is a syndicated show owned by CBS. In Los Angeles it airs on CBS’s second channel at 12:30 in the morning. So how good can this show be when it can’t get a decent time slot on a station that the show’s production company OWNS?

EXCUSED is yet another dating show combining elements from all the other dating shows. Potential partners are eliminated, there are bizarre arbitrary rules, it takes place in a mansion, and everyone is so shallow Kellie Pickler is a Mensa president compared to them.

Here are the rules. Two guys (or girls if the episode starts out that way) get to pick from a bunch of girls that come to the front door. The dudes watch them on a surveillance camera. Four of the girls are let into the house. The others are "excused". Then the guys watch one-minute personality profiles. Based on that they eliminate two more. Then the two guys take the two remaining girls out for drinks and one more is eliminated. Now that tables are turned. The girl goes out on romantic dates with each of the guys and she eliminates one. Still with me? Wait. After she picks the guy she goes outside and he might not be there. He might “excuse” her after all. I know. What the fuck?! Huh?! Say what?!

And if you think that’s confusing on paper, imagine hearing those rules in the middle of the night when the show airs. I’m sure people are saying, “Why did they take the Juiceman off? Where’s the Juiceman. He puts fruit in the juicer, hits one switch – smoothies! That I get!”

The show is hosted by willowy Iliza Shlesinger, a one-time winner of LAST COMIC STANDING. Throughout the show she takes shots at all of the contestants’ physical imperfections. I guess she’s unaware that she herself talks out of the side of her mouth. So it’s Popeye with a nice wig making fun of peoples’ appearance. That said, she did get off a couple of funny lines. And not to over-praise, but I never wanted to slap her like I do Chelsea Handler.

In the episode that I saw the two guys were Ozy and Jamal. When asked what they were looking for in a perfect mate one said, “A booty”, and the other said, “Intelligence and a booty.”

The girls started coming to the door. One was admitted in because she had “Beyonce hips”, another because of her teeth. Why the National Organization of Women doesn’t burn down this mansion I’ll never know.

Four are selected and then record thumbnail introductions of themselves courtesy of Jazzed.com (a sponsor). One said, “I’m getting my PHD in international business and management” and Jamal responded by saying, “I detect a little bit of hood in her.” One girl was from Jamaica. Jamal said, “She ain’t no real Jamaican. She only got one job.” Why isn’t the Jamaican Consul burning down this mansion?

Needless to say the PHD candidate and Jamaican were the two of the four that were “excused”.

Then came a commercial for Jazzed.com, a mating site. EXCUSED host Iliza does the spot, which ends with “you could get some action.” Class-y.

The two couples go out for drinks and mindless chatter. One of the girls reveals she’s really horny. By the way, at no time are we the audience told what, if anything, these people ultimately win. Is it just a date? I would hope there is more. These women were practically offering blowjobs. I’d hate to think their ultimate reward was giving one.

Back at the mansion (which I’m surprised the ACLU hasn’t torched), the two guys eliminate one of the girls. Now the big twist. She’ll go out on romantic dates with each of the dudes and then SHE gets to “excuse” one.

Yvonne was the final girl. Now let’s see what she does to determine which of these guys is her eternal soul mate. With one she makes him take off his shirt and pour hot wax on his chest. That’s not exactly what Russian novelists are your favorites? And with the other she made him spank her then she spanked him. Based on this data she was able to make an informed decision.

She dumped Jamal (the wax must’ve been lax), and then there’s that moment of excruciating suspense when Yvonne walks outside, and much to her (and our) extreme relief, Ozy was there. Ready to collect that hummer.

Cue the closing credits where we see a quick montage of Iliza just trashing one front door hopeful after another. But they never show the contestants. So none of the jokes landed. Uh, Comedy 101 – we have to SEE who is being made fun of. I’m amazed the Friar’s Club hasn’t burned this mansion to the ground.

EXCUSED. Check your local listings. Chances are it’s the lead-in to the ShamWow informercial.

Words we still use that now make no sense

2011-12-05T10:21:00.000-08:00

As a writer I’m always fascinated by slang and common expressions. Dialogue sounds so much more real and colorful when you’re able to tap into the way people really talk. New words enter the popular lexicon all the time. Ten years ago was anyone “texting” much less “sexting”? Or even “tweeting”. Today we have “smart phones”, “flat screens”, “man caves”, “vetting”, “blogs”, and if I’ve missed a few then “my bad”.

Words become over used. Can a waiter or waitress take an order today without saying “Perfect!” twenty times?

“I’ll have an ice tea.” “Perfect!” “Really? ‘Cause it’s not like I’m selecting just the right wine with this entry. It’s fucking ice tea!” “Perfect! Be right up.”

There are probably a dozen other examples but…whatever.

And then there are expressions that have taken on new meanings. “Sampling” used to mean trying a variety of selections. Today in the music world it means stealing someone else's work and justifying it as an homage. You used to be able to say, “I hooked up with my sister the other day” without being accused of incest.

But my focus today is on words and expressions we use in everyday speech that have since outlived their meaning but we still use anyway. Here are a few examples.

“The tube” – a popular synonym for a television. Once upon a time there were tubes in a TV set. No longer. I guess you could call it “the chip” but I don’t see that catching on.

People order additional phone “lines”. In this cellphone world there are no “lines”, everything is wireless.

“Don’t touch that dial”. You’ll hear announcers still say that. At one time you did have a big dial on your radio or TV, which you twisted to change stations. When was the last time you saw one of those that wasn’t in the Smithsonian right next to Abe Lincoln’s log cabin?

Good photo opportunities are still referred to as “Kodak Moments”. Kodak made film for a thousand years. Today we have “Digital Nanoseconds”.

We used to correspond with certain friends in distant locales by getting out the old Bic and writing letters. Today we email, text, or IM but still refer to them as “Pen Pals”.

Recording artists are still coming out with new “records”. That’s what they were in the old days – vinyl platters. You could even argue that CD’s are just an updated technological version. But now music is released on line (again, is there really a “line”?).

So what are other examples? It’s kind of interesting isn’t it, to stop and think once in a while about just what the hell we’re saying?

3-D -- it's so unfair!

2011-12-04T05:55:00.000-08:00

From time to time I like to use this forum to tell inspirational stories. Tales of perseverance and courage, people overcoming insurmountable odds to achieve success in this cold hard world despite their cruel burdens. Today I will be telling my story. I share this with you in the hopes that others who share a similar affliction will take solace and even find the strength to go on as I have. If I can help even one person then my suffering will have been worth it.

This is very hard so I hope you’ll allow me a stumble or two. I’ve never actually admitted this in public. Deep breath. Okay. Here I go.

I can’t see 3-D.

It doesn’t work on me. Jesus, it’s terrifying seeing that in print. My astigmatisms combined with my far sightedness and depth perception issues prevent me from experiencing the full three-dimensional effect.

I was first stricken with this insidious misfortune as a child. Imagine, a mere lad, way too young to have developed coping mechanisms. Blissful and without a care in the world, I skipped into my local theater (Grauman’s Chinese), donned these nifty disposable anaglyph glasses and prepared to have the shit scared out of me by HOUSE OF WAX. But alas, my horror was not at the lifelike images popping off the screen, it was that images were so blurry I couldn’t distinguish Vincent Price from Phyllis Kirk.

Maybe it was that movie. Or those glasses. I rushed to my other local theater (The Hollywood Egyptian) and saw IT CAME FROM OUTER SPACE. Sorry. For me IT STAYED ON THE SCREEN. And the same problem persisted. Fernando Lamas and Arlene Dahl seemed to be the same person.

I gave it one last chance. INFERNO starring Rhonda Fleming. Oh please let those breasts hit me in the eye! But no. Other than looking really cool in those glasses, I was incapable of processing 3-D.

All the great movies that followed and I couldn’t see any of them. CAT-WOMEN OF THE MOON, GOG, PARDON MY BACKFIRE, THE MAD MAGICIAN, ROBOT MONSTERS, and the scariest of them all – KISS ME KATE.

I felt alone. Isolated. And yes, let’s just say it – unloved. I tried to train myself. I’d wear those 3-D glasses everywhere. But the only thing that came alive was Picasso paintings. I eventually had to reconcile that I was never going to be like the other kids.

Fortunately, the fad faded. Save for some Deborah Walley vehicle that no one saw (if she’s not playing Gidget, what’s the point?) I managed to make it through the 60s relatively unscathed. In college when everyone was dropping acid and taking LSD I just put on my 3-D glasses and saw the same hallucinations.

And I was dating a girl with both eyes on the same side of her nose and I didn’t know it. She was very nice and otherwise I might not have asked her out.

My terror was rekindled in the 80s when strolling through Disneyland I happened upon CAPTAIN EO, the Michael Jackson movie. Yes, it was in 3-D but this was Disney. If anyone could perfect the process it was Walt. And yet, the illusion still eluded me.

I was heartened in the 90s when I was able to enjoy a film on an IMAX screen. That effect where the screen appears larger seemed to work on me.

But enough 3-D movies would come out to remind me that I was different and put me in my place.

I’ll admit it. I thought about chucking it all. Maybe drop out of society, sublet the Unibomber’s shed, sell Comcast cable in the wilderness.

But then I said, no! If some people with afflictions can look at life with rose colored glasses I can look at it with half rose and half blue.

And even though PUSS IN BOOTS is now out in 3-D and I can’t see it, instead of feeling sorry for myself I say, “What’s the point of making a cartoon look real anyway?’

Suddenly I feel empowered. Relieved. Headache free. And now I’m going to the obscure video store. And I’m getting all the movies I missed-- . CAT-WOMEN OF THE MOON, GOG, PARDON MY BACKFIRE, THE MAD MAGICIAN, ROBOT MONSTERS, IT CAME FROM OUTER SPACE. And even a few I was afraid to see like HAWAIIAN NIGHTS with Mamie Van Doren and Pinky Lee, and THE ADVENTURES OF SHARKBOY AND LAVAGIRL. And if I have to watch ‘em with one eye, fuck it!

One of my favorite goofy songs

2011-12-03T05:56:00.000-08:00

This is a song from 1977 called "Ariel" by Dean Friedman. It hung around the charts for five months and reached as high as #26 on Billboard. It has the distinction of being the only top 40 song in history that mentions Paramus, New Jersey. For that alone it should have its own wing in the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame.

There was also some controversy when the record label wanted to remove the words "Jewish girl" from the lyrics, worried that its inclusion would hurt sales. I imagine other executives of the label wanted "Paramus" removed as well. I mean, there must be a reason it's never mentioned in any other Top 40 hit. Anyway, level heads and threats from the Jewish Defense League won out.

All that aside, I find it an infectious song with clever lyrics. Fun social commentary AND you can dance to it.

I will be back with Seattle next year

2011-12-02T13:40:00.000-08:00

Happy to announce that I'll be back next season calling a number of Seattle Mariners games with Rick Rizzs on 710 ESPN and the Seattle Mariners Radio Network. Don't know how many or when yet. I've requested all the games that Felix Hernandez starts but let's see. In the meantime, thanks so much to the M's, KIRO radio, and all of you who enjoyed my broadcasts last year and let the Mariners' know. Now I REALLY can't wait until spring training!

Who is that guy?

2011-12-02T05:53:00.000-08:00

Aloha. Taking time out from doing nothing to answer some Friday Questions. What’s yours? Mahalo.

Vidor is up first.

My question is about the final episode of "Cheers", which aired on WGN just the other day (savagely cut, I'm sure). I have read in different locations that the silouhetted figure in the window in the last scene is 1) James Burrows (most sources say this) or 2) one Bob Broder, agent to Burrows and the Charleses. Which is it?

The answer is Bob Broder -- the best agent I ever had.

David asks:

How do writers handle `legacy' themes that have run their course in sitcoms they join in mid-run. I'm thinking specifically about end-of-episode VOs like Scrubs, where the J.D. character wraps up the lessons learned in the previous 22 minutes. That annoyed me (I lasted well past the time JD was a rookie). I also think Modern Family is making the same mistake -- they will have a long run and the ``hugging/learning'' statements are already old. Can writers talk a show runner out of it (and if so, tell your pals on MF to knock it off!)

As series evolve, sometimes devices they employ like voice-overs get old and stale. Usually, they are reduced in frequency or phased out entirely. HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER has drifted from the V.O. frame. On the other hand, the “documentary” format of storytelling is so specific that you’re really locked into it. Although I always thought if THE OFFICE wanted to really shake things up they could drop it. I think it would be fun to see how those characters interact when they know (or at least “think”) there are no cameras on them.

My partner, David and I came aboard MASH the middle of the series run and by that time just felt we needed to continue the legacy. Don’t fix it if it ain’t broke.

However, we did try to do format-breaking episodes along the way just to shake things up. The Point-of-View episode was one example. In “Night at Rosie’s” we set the entire episode in Rosie’s Bar, making it more of a one-act play than short film.

But our goal was not to change MASH. It was to do episodes that even approached the greatness of the Larry Gelbart years.

When there are big stylistic changes, usually it’s the show runner who makes them. If you’re sick of a device he’s probably sick of it ten times as much.

From Wendy M. Grossman:

Why do so many shows fall off a cliff, quality-wise, in later seasons? In some cases (Sex and the City) it seems like they run out of the original material the show was based on; in others, that the original creative team left (Murphy Brown, mid-run); in others that they lost track of their original premise (Mad About You was a close-up look at a couple forming and negotiating through a marriage - and in later seasons the two of them hardly spent any time together on their own).

But what is the underlying cause?

Having to churn out 22 episodes a season, year in and year out. And having to make them in a compressed period of time. It burns out showrunners, exhausts ideas quickly, and sometimes leads to creative mis-steps as writers flail to keep the show fresh. But how great would HAMLET be by episode 87? I mean, Shakespeare was good but he’s no Sorkin.

John wonders:

Here's a Friday question relating to the end credits -- did you write an ending differently if the final scene simply faded to black, as M*A*S*H did in Seasons 1-5, or if you had a 'freeze' on the end shot for the titles (Seasons 6-11), or where the end credits are detached from the scene, as with Dick Van Dyke, or later with Cheers?

No. In fact, until that question, I never even thought about it. I suppose, of the two, the freeze frame provides more of a punctuation to the final joke, but that format change was made not for creative reasons but to accommodate credits.

A finally, from Paul Duca:

I have a rare baseball question... it seems MLB won't approve the sale of the Houston Astros unless the new owner allows the team to moved into the American League. Do you have any thoughts on that?

I hate it. Each team will now have to play something like 70 interleague games since each league will have an odd number of teams (15). In addition to diluting the distinction between the two leagues, what are you going to do about the Designated Hitter rule? The American League has it while the National League does not. The Players Union will never allow the DH rule to go away (it means more money to more players) and the National League has never embraced it. But now what? National League teams are at a distinct disadvantage in AL parks against teams with DH’s. And American League teams are at a disadvantage playing in the NL park where they (a) can’t use their DH, and (b) their pitchers are unaccustomed to batting.

Seems they have to unify the two leagues, but does that mean the NL gets screwed? Again, don't fix it if it ain't broke.

Holiday Movies Preview Part 2

2011-12-01T05:56:00.000-08:00

Aloha. Here's the conclusion of this year's Holiday Movies Preview. Part 1 was yesterday.

TINKER, TAILOR, SOLDIER, SPY – Adaptation of John le Carre’s classic Cold War novel. Realistic James Bond material. Espionage galore, pussy not so much.

W.E. – Directed by Madonna. Isn’t that all you need to know? In 20 years Lady Gaga will direct the remake.

IN THE LAND OF MILK AND HONEY – Many great film directors are forced to direct episodes of THE GLADES yet Angelina Jolie gets to direct a major motion picture. And for all the exceptional screenwriters who are now happy just to get work writing Saturday morning cartoons, Angelina Jolie wrote the screenplay.

ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: CHIPWRECKED – LOST with rodents.

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT KEVIN – Parents of a kid who goes on killing spree debate whether grounding him for a whole week is punishment enough.

CARNAGE – Noted madcap comedy director, Roman Polanski helms a star-studded cast in film adaptation of Tony winning comedy play. If the trailer is any indication, they forgot to include the laughs.

CORMAN’S WORLD: EXPLOITS OF A HOLLYWOOD REBEL – Documentary on B-movie king, Roger Corman. He made 250 action movies for the cost of one Michael Bay film, and all 250 were better.

YOUNG ADULT – Diablo Cody screenplay about the ultimate mean girl (Charlize Theron) from high school returning to break up a marriage. Could be BAD TEACHER with good script.

THE ADVENTURES OF TINTIN – Steven Spielberg’s 3D motion-capture movie adaptation of a popular Russian comic book. If he doesn’t win an Oscar for it, his next 3D motion-capture picture will be set during World War I.

WAR HORSE – World War I drama of Tony winning play directed by Steven Spielberg. If he doesn’t win an Oscar for it, his next drama will be a live action adaptation of Tintin.

THE DARKEST HOUR – 3-D thriller set in Moscow where it’s not enough there’s the KGB -- a group of young people are terrorized by aliens from outer space. This whole premise sounds utterly absurd. Everyone knows aliens from outer space only land in New Mexico.

EXTREMELY LOUD & INCREDIBLY CLOSE – Post 9/11 tearjerker starring Tom Hanks. Probably rough but worth seeing.

SHERLOCK HOLMES: A GAME OF SHADOWS – Finally! The beloved detective as Arthur Conan Doyle really envisioned him – as a bad-ass superhero. Robert Downey Jr. returns to deduce and destroy.

THE IRON LADY – Meryl Streep’s next Oscar nomination. This time playing… oh, what difference does it make? Just give her the statue.

ROADIE – a roadie for Blue Oyster Cult is no longer needed after twenty years and must adjust to life where girls have self esteem and don’t sleep with you just because it’s as close as they’re going to get to a rock star. In other words, it's a world gone mad!

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST 3D – The Disney classic. You've seen the movie, you've seen the musical, now comes the 3D version. Coming soon: Siri will sing it to you while it streams on your iPhone. As long as you have a dollar in your pocket, those "imagineers" at Disney will not rest!

Holiday Movies Preview

2011-11-30T05:57:00.000-08:00

Aloha from Hawaii. Not sure I'll get a chance to hang out with Roseanne this trip, but who knows? In the meantime, here's my annual Holiday Movies Preview. The fact that I've seen exactly none of these pictures should not undercut in any way the validity of my opinions.

ANOTHER HAPPY DAY – Ellen Barkin takes time out from dating Barry Levinson’s 26 year-old son to star in a movie he wrote and directed. Barry discovered her thirty years ago for DINER. He must be so proud.

A DANGEROUS METHOD – Freud & Jung -- the Popeye & Bluto of psychoanalysis -- mix it up over Olive Oyl (Keira Knightley). Wonder what Freud would say to Barry Levinson.

ARTHUR CHRISTMAS – Breathe easy. Russell Brand is nowhere to be seen. Motion-capture pic by the WALLACE & GROMIT guys so should be good.

HUGO – Martin Scorsese's first kid film. Got great reviews and a big opening weekend. Plans already underway for his second -- a claymation version of CAPE FEAR.

THE MUPPETS – All your favorite socks come back to life. Co-written by Jason Segel so expect some good laughs and frontal nudity.

THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO – from the popular series that includes THE GIRL WHO KICKED THE HORNET’S NEST, THE GIRL WHO PLAYED WITH FIRE, and THE GIRL WITH SOMETHING EXTRA (originally a ‘70s sitcom starring Sally Field).

THE DESCENDANTS – George Clooney learns his wife has been unfaithful and is in a coma, and he must somehow draw upon all of his strength to cope by living in Hawaii. Getting sensational reviews. Co-writer/director Alexander Payne may soon be saying "Mahalo" to the Academy.

MY WEEK WITH MARILYN – Speaking of Oscars, Michelle Williams might win one playing Marilyn Monroe, an actress who couldn’t win one herself.

RAMPART – Woody Harrelson as a scary L.A. cop who pistol whips people while singing “Kelly Kelly Kelly”.

THE ARTIST – Black & White silent movie. So I’m guessing it’s also not in 3D. Word is this might be the movie of the year. Either this one or 1911.

ANSWERS TO NOTHING – Movie about the recent Republican debates.

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DOWN – PART 1 – Edward & Bella get married and have a kid who’s half vampire. He doesn’t drink blood, just gargles it. In PART 2, problems arise when he starts teething.

SHAME – Not to be confused with Barry Levinson's reaction to his 26-year-old son dating a 57-year-old woman. Michael Fassbender as a sex addict who moves in with his younger sister, Carey Mulligan. She begins to suspect there's a problem when he sleeps with the hosts of THE VIEW.

SLEEPING BEAUTY – ONCE UPON A TIME with roofies.

THE SITTER – Jonah Hill as irresponsible baby sitter. I wonder if that's how Ellen first met Barry Levinson's son.

NEW YEAR’S EVE – Essentially a sequel to VALENTINE’S DAY. A mish-mosh of romantic stories featuring every bankable movie actor who will be doing television in a year.

The conclusion of the previews tomorrow.

Hey, Siri

2011-11-29T18:11:00.000-08:00

Just got the new iPhone with all them schnazzy features. So far I'm having trouble with Siri. She refuses to pronounce my name correctly. To make the point, I called her Say-ree and she started to cry. I dunno. Me and women. Otherwise, the new phone is cool. How do I make calls on this thing?

Location shooting or... I can't get out of my driveway!

2011-11-29T05:54:00.000-08:00

One of the perks/problems with living in LA is that you encounter location shooting. Same story in New York, Vancouver, Toronto, and Saugus.

The cool part: Who needs Universal tours when Hollywood comes right to you? The top of your tree is seen in a major motion picture. Hollywood technicians have employment. You can usually steal a donut off the craft-services table. Big stars hang out on your front porch.

A few years ago I took a walk after dinner and encountered a shoot for CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND. They were in the long process of setting up a shot and everybody was just milling around. I saw the director just sitting off by himself, casually watching the activity. I walked up and said hello. We knew a lot of mutual people in television so breaking the ice was easy. Long story short, I spent the next half hour chatting with George Clooney. (Happy to report he’s as nice, unassuming, handsome, and charming as you’d hope he’d be in person – the bastard.)

The uncool part: Location filming, especially if it’s on your block, is a major hassle and inconvenience to the entire neighborhood. The homeowner of the house they’re using gets paid handsomely. The neighbors just can’t park, there are strangers sitting on your lawns eating, you can't get out of your driveway, incessant walkie-talkies, and there’s just a general level of intrusion. They will generally allow you to watch them film, but there’s that old line in Hollywood:

The first day on a movie set is the most exciting day of your life. The second is the most boring.

It’s a very slow process. That’s just the way it is. And what they’re shooting is not always that glamorous. Recently, a Ford commercial was filmed two doors down from me. (The photos today are from that shoot.) I wandered over (to steal some donuts) and when I expressed my disappointment to some crew guy that there were no stars he said: “Are you kidding? You get to see the new Ford.” Yeah, well... that's fine if it's Harrison.

All in all, location shooting is a good thing. I’ll trade the inconvenience for the stimulation in the local economy and the nostalgia of watching old movies filmed in LA and seeing landmarks that no longer exist. It’s a time machine experience not many cities are afforded.

No one’s ever used our house for filming. We came close once. A location manager was interested in our backyard for the pilot of DOLLHOUSE. I was crushed when it didn’t happen. Imagine being paid a lot of money to have Eliza Dushku swimming in your pool.

Neighbors a couple of blocks away let their house be used for the pilot of ONCE AND AGAIN (starring Sela Ward). Inside and out they shot at their home. Then the show got picked up. At this point the production company had to completely replicate their living room and kitchen on a soundstage. How weird to watch a show with people in your kitchen every week? Assuming they didn’t watch something else.

Earl Pomerantz created a series about a writer like himself and he too had his living room reproduced on the stage. What a benefit that has to be if you’re selling your home. How many sellers get 20,000,000 visitors to attend their Open House?

My parents had friends who were extremely wealthy and lived in the San Fernando Valley. They had a big house at the end of a cul de sac, which provided plenty of privacy. They would routinely rent out their house to porno studios. My parents were afraid to sit on any of the couches.

But that’s the beauty of L.A. Everywhere you go, any house, any street. Cary Grant may have uttered famous lines from movies right where you’re standing. Or Nina Hartley might’ve been sodomized. They don’t call this place the Dream Factory for nothing!

My comments regarding your comments about my comments.

2011-11-28T20:52:00.000-08:00

When there's no appropriate photo I always use Natalie Wood

Thanks to everyone who responded to my blog anniversary request to chime in with who you are and what you'd like to see on the blog. A special thanks for all the lovely things you guys said. I was really touched. Who needs Google Ads when I can receive that?

One suggestion a lot of you had was that you'd like me to participate more in the comments section. First off, know that I read every comment. They're emailed to me. So sometime I'm not in a position to respond.

I do toss in a comment now and again, but for the most part I want you to feel like it's your forum. Last year when I had that cyber-feud with Roseanne I noticed that if any commenter on her blog disagreed with her even in the slightest she ripped them a new one. I don't want to be overly defensive and (as long as you leave a name) I want you to feel comfortable offering an opposing point-of-view.

But I will try to enter the fray a little more in the future.

I must say that on numerous occasions the commenters and the discussions in the comments section are far more entertaining than my actual posts. Not to mention some of the uh... debates that have occurred. As long as they don't get personal or ugly I try to stay out of the way. (The Doug McEwan vs. Diana DeGarmo's mom pitched battle was particularly high theater.)

But again, MANY THANKS.

Ken

My 6 year blog anniversary. What is 6 years -- velcroe?

2011-11-28T05:59:00.000-08:00

This month marks the 6th anniversary of this blog. Who can even remember 2005? It was an experiment – stretching exercises for a writer. I thought it would be nice break from writing scripts. No format. No notes. Writing actual prose. The whole notion seemed so liberating.

Only two hitches. What the hell do I write about? And how the hell do I get anybody to read it?

A blogger friend suggested that for the latter issue I should post something new every day. That way you build an audience. When people log onto you and see the same post they read a week ago they stop coming back. That made sense. At least to start.

But it made the first issue an even bigger hurdle. Not only do I have nothing to write about; I have to write about it every day? Yikes! I’ll be honest, I thought this experiment would last six months. I’d get tired of it, I’d have exhausted every topic I know, or after half a year I’d have twelve readers.

And now, six years, 2,585 posts, and 8,500,000 page views later here I somehow still am. Out of the clear blue sky TIME magazine named this one of the top 25 blogs of the net. I’m still baffled (but delighted) by that.

This was my first post:

For everyone who has said to me "you should start a blog" here it is. Now what?

So until I figure that out, I thought I'd post the kind of stuff I have been writing -- namely humorous travelogues and award show reviews that up until now have only gone to those unfortunate souls in my address book. As I learn how this works and come up with original thoughts I shall add to it. Or take requests. Or go on to podcasting.

Interests will include pop culture, show business, baseball, radio, the 60's, the theatre, baby boomers, bragging about my kids, hawking my various projects, and general bitching.

I’ll be honest again – to this day the toughest part of this blog is coming up with topics. Once I get a topic I’m usually off to the races. But there are plenty of days I’m just praying for Roseanne to do something stupid or a new idiotic reality show to premiere. I live for Anime conventions, pornstar karaoke, Michael Bay movies, Katherine Heigl interviews, Gwyneth Paltrow cleansing diets, and the Golden Globes.

All in all, it’s been well worth the effort. I’ve been very lucky in this industry and have had some remarkable mentors. I’m glad for the opportunity to pay it forward. I’ve met many wonderful new people through this blog… including YOU. And yes, I’ve sold a bunch of books through this site (have you ordered yours yet? What are you waiting for, for crying out loud?), and have sold out five Sitcom Room seminars.

So it’s onto year seven. What I like to do on these occasions is ask you to participate. Especially you new readers and longtime lurkers. I’d love to know who you are, where you’re from, how you found this blog, how long you’ve been reading it, and whatever suggestions you may have. Please tell me what topics you like and don’t like (Yeah, yeah – baseball). Ultimately, I write about whatever the hell I want to (it’s not like I have to maintain a certain audience level for Google Ads), but the day a writer disregards his readers is the day he stops being read.

Anyway, thanks for six great years. I won’t say I couldn’t have done without you because that’s not true. But I will say I wouldn’t have done it without you.

Thanks in advance for your responses.

Spec Script Eitiquette: What NOT to do

2011-11-27T10:00:00.000-08:00

I’ve had several people ask me what NOT to do when trying to get someone to read their spec. It’s a case by case basis of course but I’ll just share some of my own personal experiences or things I have witnessed.

I’ve had people give me spec scripts at high school reunions. Not a good idea unless it’s from the person you always had a crush on and they haven’t gained 300 pounds.

A well known comedy director was in temple during High Holiday services one year when a fellow congregant reached inside his tallis and pulled out a spec script. Not kosher.

When I was announcing for the Orioles I once got thrown out of Bobby Valentine’s office for asking tough questions. He was then the manager of the Texas Rangers. Fifteen minutes later I was summoned back, obviously to receive an apology. No. He had heard I was a writer and pitched me a movie. Try not to be an asshole first.

And then there was the time I was in a funeral home with my father making final arrangements for my grandmother who had just passed away. At one point the mortician asked what I did. When my father said I was a writer the ghoul launched into a twenty minute movie pitch. If my dad wasn’t there no one would believe that story. But it’s true. Pick your spots.

What you need to do is first introduce yourself and try to establish a relationship. How intimate is up to you. But here’s my favorite story. Years ago I and another writer, Larry, were asked to speak at a UCLA extension class. I was a story editor on MASH at the time and he was story editor of RHODA. As we stood in front of the class lecturing, a friend overhead one young woman saying to another: “I think I’ll fuck Larry. I’d rather do a RHODA”.

This is why you need to follow me on TWITTER

2011-11-27T05:54:00.000-08:00

Thank God for Twitter! Without that invaluable service I could never share with friends the really important moment-to-moment details of my life. In case you’re not following me I’ve reassembled the Tweets you most recently missed.

Having a colonoscopy tomorrow.

Going out for magazines.

Is it just me or does Susan Boyle look like John Madden?

Okay. Starting to take the stuff.

Ugggghhh! It tastes terrible. Mood: Irritable.

Thinking of a Stay-cation this year. Any suggestions where I could stay?

It’s been a half hour. When is this stuff supposed to work?

45 minutes. Still nothing.

53 minutes and counting.

An hour. What’s the deal???

Just filled out my All-Star ballot.

HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kill me NOW!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay. I can breathe. Whew.

YEOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s working.

8rXX3 thinks Susan Boyle looks like… wait a minute….

HOLY FRIGGIN’ SHIT!!!!!!!

How long is this supposed to last?

Oh Christ! I forgot. Today’s the day we scheduled an OPEN HOUSE here.

Dennis Franz. That’s who 8rXX3 thinks Susan Boyle looks like.

No, you can’t see the bathroom! It’s currently occupied!

I would trade my Emmy right now for a Tums.

Wow, there are a lot of ads in VANITY FAIR.

Bowel mood: very irritable.

Hey my legs have gone to sleep. Has that ever happened to you?

There are eight people walking through my house. I almost knocked one down during the last urge.

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I’m in hell.

Moving on to ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY and MERCENARY LIFE.

Thanks you guys. Hearing your colonoscopy stories have really helped. LOL.

It’s been three hours.

And two rolls.

No offers on the house yet.

How stupid am I part two? Choosing to do this on the day of the TOP CHEF marathon?

Okay. I think the worst is over.

Wrong!!!!

Seriously. Someone. Kill me.

Oh great. My real estate agent just dumped me. For some reason she feels my house doesn’t “show well”.

I’m whipped. Better get some sleep. But here’s the good news: I convinced the doctor to just give me a local. So I’m bringing my laptop and you can expect tweets during the procedure. Please check back every five minutes.

Note: The preceding was a complete fabrication. I'm not really selling my house or (to my knowledge) having a colonoscopy. But this is the kind of Tweets you all too often read... before unfollowing the person.

World's funniest salesman

2011-11-26T05:54:00.000-08:00

Thanks to reader Yekimi for turning me on to this video. Now this is a door-to-door salesman.

World's Funniest Salesman - Watch more Funny Videos

(Black) Friday Questions

2011-11-25T05:55:00.000-08:00

But first, I have a question: Why the hell do people shop at 3 A.M.? It’s just the first day. Do you really think Macy’s will be cleaned out by 9:00? Anyway...

Steve B. asks:

Ken, from and writing and producing standpoint, which do you prefer, single cam or multi cam? It would seem like single would give you more artistically to work with, but multi brings that immediacy of working with a crowd that can't be replicated.

Uh, I think you answered your own question. There are advantages to both. Having worked in both formats, I can honestly say it depends on the idea itself. Some shows like MODERN FAMILY benefit from being able to bounce from family to family. Others, like BIG BANG THEORY that are primarily set in one or two locations are structured more like plays and benefit from having an audience.

I suppose, of the two I’m slightly partial to the multi-camera format. I like actually hearing the laughter. And there is an energy that is created by having a studio audience.

Also, is one much more expensive than the other?

Single-camera is more expensive. More sets, takes longer to shoot. Generally more ambitious.

Anonymous has a question. (Please leave a name in the future. Thank you.)

Curious about network show promos. Does the show runner or writer(s) suggest the clip or clips used to promote an upcoming episode? Or is that the judgment call of someone in the promo department? Did you ever have battles over promo content?

Constant battles.

The showrunner does not have any say in the promos. It’s the network promo department. And depending on who they are, they can be very good or downright abysmal. Showrunners sometimes suggest clips but nine-times-out-of-ten they’re ignored.

Promo people manage to constantly give away plot points, ruin great jokes, and diminish the integrity of the show. Most comedies come off as loud, stupid, frivolous burlesque revues. Drama promos are all the same. “A killer is loose. Can _________ find him before it’s too late?”

And it’s the old joke about the guy who hates a restaurant because the food is bad and the portions are too small – showrunners are always complaining that they don’t get enough promos (even if they’re bad).

And where the promos are placed is also a major factor. Who cares if you get a promo in PAN AM? You want it in ONCE UPON A TIME.

A personal pet peeve is your show is on the second-half of an hour and the 30 second promo is 25 seconds for WHITNEY and then 5 seconds for you. The network then tells you you had a 30 second promo. No you didn’t. (Of course, if you follow WHITNEY, promos are the least of your problems.)

From Chris:

Why do on some shows the creator writes some episodes every season and on others they just write the pilot and maybe the finale? (Assuming they don't leave the show for all its run).

If the creator is the showrunner, chances are his thumbprints are on every script, whether he takes credit or not. How many he actually writes himself depends on how much else he has to do in producing the show, how much he trusts his writing staff, how prolific he is, and how much lead time he has.

I tend to co-write a lot of episodes of my series, especially early on. We’re still trying to find the show and also provide a clear voice for other writers to follow.

Generally, once the show has been established the creator will write special episodes, season premieres and finales. Or episodes that introduce new characters.

Personally, I like to write as many episodes of my show as I can. But that’s just me. I like writing first drafts. Other showrunners would much prefer rewriting off of existing drafts. Let me amend that – most showrunners would prefer an outside writer turn in scripts that are so good they can be shot as is. If you know of that writer, tell me!

And finally, from Drew:

I was watching a sitcom, which will remain nameless, from the 1980s a few days ago. It was a big hit, but most of the actors on the show have since vanished. So my question is, how do actors survive after their hit shows go off and nothing comes their way? Do they just live off the money they made while the show was on? Try to get a guest star gig once a year to keep them afloat?

All of the above. The good news if you’re on a long running hit that remains in syndication you still get royalties. The bad news is you sometimes get typecast and it’s hard to find subsequent work.

This is especially true for character actors.

But even if these actors have trouble landing another series they still enter the category of “celebrity” (or, as I like to call it "America's Guest"). So they still appear as guest stars, panelists on game shows, guests on talk shows, and they still command a large following if they do theater or even dinner theater. I imagine Jamie Farr is doing THE SUNSHINE BOYS somewhere in America right this moment.

Some write books, pursue other interests (their “name” is a big help in launching a product or business), become soccer moms, get into voice-overs, sell dolls on QVC, play in bands, teach at universities, get arrested, or donate their time to humanitarian programs they feel strongly about. Mike Farrell of MASH is deeply committed to several extremely worthwhile causes.

Oh, and one other line of work seems to attract former sitcom performers – U.S. Senator.

What’s your question? Write it now before you run back out to Kohl’s to buy those fleece vests. Hurry! Only 7,000 left… at each location.

Live (3 hour delay) tweets from the Macy's Parade

2011-11-24T10:08:00.000-08:00

Today's Thanksgiving Marathons

2011-11-24T05:58:00.000-08:00

It used to be that Thanksgiving was the day of THE TWILIGHT ZONE and THE HONEYMOONERS marathons. Now practically every channel has their own marathon scheduled for today. Here’s a list (along with a few comments from yours truly). And this doesn’t include local station marathons or tomorrow's marathons (of which there are many). Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!

AMC (11:30am - 4:30am): THE GODFATHER Movie Marathon. Have a traditional horse head for Thanksgiving!

Animal Planet (9am - 5pm): HILLBILLY HANDFISHIN' Marathon. Do you even have to read any further????

Animal Planet (5pm - 6am): TANKED Marathon

BBC America (8am - 5am): STAR TREK THE NEXT GENERATION Marathon

BET (8am - 5pm): MY WIFE AND KIDS Marathon. Really?

BET (5pm - Midnight): REED BETWEEN THE LINES Marathon

Bravo (6am - Noon): TOP CHEF Marathon. That should make you hungry.

Bravo (Noon - 6pm): THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS Marathon. Be thankful you’re not them.

Cartoon Network (9am - 7pm): TOM & JERRY Marathon. Celebrate the holidays with the most violent cartoons ever.

Centric (8:30am - 6am): THE WAYANS BROS. Marathon. There’s a network called Centric?

Chiller (6am - 4pm): BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER Marathon.

Cloo (6am - 6am): Cloo Thanksgiving + Weekend Western Movie Marathon. Indians don’t take enough abuse today.

Cooking Channel (2 - 8pm): NADIA G'S BITCHIN' KITCHEN Marathon. A tradition since 2011.

Discovery (9am - 8pm): AMERICAN GUNS Marathon. Gather the whole family.

Discovery Fit & Health (11am - 2am): Pregnant Marathon. For those who are stuffed.

DIY (7am - 4am): COOL TOOLS Marathon

Food Network (6 - 10pm): CHOPPED Marathon

fuse (6am - 6am): BEEF Marathon. Someone should have a “chopped beef” marathon.

FX (Noon - Midnight): Animated Movie Marathon

GMC (Noon - 11pm): THE WALTONS Marathon. Goodnight, John Boy.

GSN (8am - Midnight): DEAL OR NO DEAL Marathon. No deal for me.

HGTV (7am - 1pm; 3 - 8pm): PROPERTY BROTHERS Marathon

H2 (8am - 8pm): HOW THE STATES GOT THEIR SHAPES Marathon. You might want to eat your dinner in from of the TV so you don’t miss South Dakota.

History (8am - 8pm): IRT DEADLIEST ROADS Marathon. Another family favorite.

The Hub (7pm - Midnight; 1 - 6am): ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A 5TH GRADER? Marathon. I’m not making this shit up.

ID (7 - 10am; 2pm - 2am): DEADLY WOMEN Marathon

IFC (6am - 6am): ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT Marathon. Alright!!!

Lifetime (Noon - 4am): Christmas Movie Marathon

Military (10am - 3am): WORLD WAR II IN COLOR Marathon. Spend the holiday with Hitler.

MTV (9am - 1pm): FRIENDZONE Marathon

MTV2 (11am - 3pm): RUN'S HOUSE Marathon

MTV2 (3pm - 9pm): MARTIN Marathon

Nickelodeon (Noon - 3pm): SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS Marathon

Nickelodeon (4 - 7pm): ICARLY Marathon

Nick at Nite (9pm - 5:30am): FRIENDS Marathon

NickToons (Noon - 9:30pm): SPEED RACER - THE NEXT GENERATION Marathon

OWN (5pm - 3am): WELCOME TO SWEETIE PIE'S Marathon. Huh? Has anyone ever even heard of that show?

Oxygen (7am - 7pm): ROSEANNE Marathon. You know I’ll be watching.

Oxygen (7pm - 2am): LAW & ORDER - CRIMINAL INTENT Marathon

Planet Green (4pm - 3am): MALL COPS - MALL OF AMERICA Marathon

ReelzChannel (10:30am - 6pm): Lethal Weapon Movie Marathon. More Jews will be watching the Christmas movie and WORLD WAR II IN COLOR marathons.

Science (6:30 - 10pm): PUNKIN CHUNKIN 2011 Marathon

SOAPnet (5pm - 1am): Walker Family Thanksgiving Marathon: BROTHERS & SISTERS Marathon

style (6am - 3am): SUPERNANNY Marathon

Syfy (8am - 5:30am): James Bond Movie Marathon. 007 of your favorite movies!

TLC (6am - Noon): CAKE BOSS Marathon

TLC (Noon - 8:30pm): CAKE BOSS - THE NEXT GREAT BAKER Marathon

TNT (10am - 8pm): BONES Marathon

TNT (8pm - 2am): CSI: NY Marathon

Travel (9am - Noon; 8pm - 4am): MAN V. FOOD Marathon

Travel (Noon - 8pm): MAN V. FOOD NATION Marathon

truTV (9am - 3pm): BLACK GOLD Marathon

truTV (7 - 11pm; Midnight - 3am): WORLD'S DUMBEST Marathon

TV Guide (3 - 8pm): DESIGNING WOMEN Marathon

TV Land (8am - 7:20pm): THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW Marathon

TV One (6am - 4pm): MARTIN Marathon. Hey! Someone else already has a MARTIN marathon.

TV One (4 - 8:30pm): Michael Jackson Marathon. Does not include the recent trial.

USA (10am - 8pm): NCIS Marathon

USA (2 - 8am): BURN NOTICE Marathon

WE (10am - 1am): BRAXTON FAMILY VALUES Marathons. Is this about Toni Braxton? I’m unfamiliar.

Thanks to TVTango.com. And again... HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!