Things to do in Denver when you're not dead

On the road again with the Dodgers. This time Denver and Cincinnati – two cities that are incredibly similar in that neither is near an ocean. The most absurd moment happened even before we boarded the plane in Los Angeles. An overzealous TSA agent was patting down Vin Scully. Yeah, it’s common knowledge terrorists like to hide explosives in World Series rings.

Stayed at the Ritz-Carlton hotel downtown (or, as they call it – “LoDo”). I had a beautifully appointed room with a spectacular view of the Greyhound Bus Terminal. (How convenient for all the bus travelers that there is a Ritz-Carlton across the street so they have somewhere to crash before moving on to Utah.)

Was walking distance to the 16th Street Mall, where red oak trees and fountains line this showpiece pedestrian mall featuring a thousand Verizon and AT&T stores and great local dining from Chili’s to the Cheesecake Factory.

Also walking distance is the ballpark, Coors Field. It’s a Camden Yards clone combining modern conveniences (luxury boxes, stadium clubs, lights) and retro features (brick exterior, and uh… brick exterior). But because of the thin air baseballs travel farther there. So to compensate they moved the fences back to where they’re now beyond the horizon.

In early July Vegas oddsmakers estimated the chances of the Rockies winning the pennant were the same as DONKEY PUNCH winning an Oscar. And yet there the Rox were, fighting with the Dodgers in a crucial series for first place. You’d think the whole town would be abuzz and they would were it not for the more important Denver Broncos pre-season game on Sunday.

John Elway is to Denver what Andy Taylor is to Mayberry and Jesus is to Rome.

Nearby is Red Rocks, an outdoor amphitheater cut into a mountain. It’s a breathtaking setting. If John Denver were still alive this is where he’d be playing every week, sharing the bill with Harry Chapin if he were still alive. Red Rocks also has the distinction of being the only U.S. venue in which the Beatles didn’t sell out.

There is new meaning to “Rocky Mountain High”. Authorities have seized nearly 20,000 marijuana plants from Colorado national forests. It’s bad enough rangers have to deal with bears stealing pic-i-nic baskets, now they have to contend with international drug cartels. I bet if those plants were there in the 60s that Beatles concert would have sold out.

Denver is the most sexually active city in America. Contraceptive sales are 189% higher within the city limits than the national average (sales of female contraceptives are a whopping 278% higher). Coincidentally, Denver also has the world’s largest brewery (Coors).

And easily the best, most dramatic thunderstorms! Huge bolts of lightening create a thrilling panorama, and what better place to view them than a radio booth at a baseball stadium surrounded by electronic equipment and light towers?

Locals say the best way to prepare is to take note of the wind kicking up and the first cow blowing across the sky.

There is now only one newspaper in town, THE POST. THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN NEWS (my favorite of the two because it once gave ALMOST PERFECT a decent review) folded in February after 150 years of service. And it’s now an all-too-familiar scenario in most major cities. Did Al Gore have any idea of this when he invented the internet?

Traffic is still backed up from last year’s Democratic convention. And there are still people walking to their cars after attending Obama’s acceptance speech.

And if you’re driving from “LoDo” to the I-70 with kids and you’re looking for a fun thing for them to do, have them count the number of gun shops they see. The kinder will be occupied the entire trip!

You gotta love the name of Denver’s mayor – Hizzonor John Wright Hickenlooper.

Things not to miss: The Butterfly Pavilion insect zoo, the “Mind Eraser” rollercoaster at Elitch Gardens, the giant cement slide at Bear Valley Park that looks like a vagina, the Buckhorn Exchange restaurant with 500 stuffed animals (it’s how I imagine Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s bedroom), the stone marker that claims to be the birthplace of the cheeseburger, the Dick’s Sporting Goods Park, and any CVS pharmacy for contraceptives.

The Dodgers won two out of three and we beat a hasty retreat to the Queen City.

Tomorrow: Cincinnati