Saturday, July 24, 2021

Weekend Post

Is there a language course waiters are required to take these days? Must they pass Waiter-speak before being hired? Who started this current trend where waiters are no longer allowed to converse like normal people? If it were one or two I’d say it was an affectation but they all talk like this now – as if there were a handbook. Maybe this is just an L.A. phenomenon, you tell me. And if you are one of these waiters, would you let me know your side of things? Perfect!

Whatever you ask for now is “perfect!” Salt, a cheeseburger with onions, a cheeseburger without onions. “I just stabbed my date to death and need another knife. “Perfect!”

There’s a formality that is now the standard.

A waitress will take my companion’s drink order then turn to me and say: “And for yourself?” I then must say: “Get myself a beer please.”

No longer can a waiter ask, “Ready to order?” Now it’s “Have we decided?” “Yes, I’ll have what you’re having.”

They use “we” a lot.

The variation is: “So what are we thinking?” “You need your teeth fixed before you go out on more auditions. I’ll have the halibut.”

The only time they don’t say “we” is when they’re reading the specials and then it seems like they own the restaurant and are the chef as well because they’ll say, “Tonight I’m featuring…” Sometimes they do this in a fake accent. You can just picture their headshots and resumes. Special skills: foreign accents, baton twirling, yodeling.

They’re forbidden to ask how you want something cooked. Instead: “What temperature would you like?” “Gee, I’m not sure. 423 degrees or 425?” “Perfect!”

When serving they are now required to say, “Please excuse my reach.” In some places, like Tilted Kilts, that's the only reason you do order food.

And this is a relatively new thing that has caught on quickly: “Are we enjoying the first few bites?” Who started that? And woe be the maverick waiter who asks: “Is everything okay?” Now it’s “Is everything outstanding?” Imagine asking that question with a straight face at the Olive Garden?

When they want to be specific waiters now inquire: “Is the veal to your liking?” It’s as if Boyd Crowder wrote the handbook.

After the meal there are two options. “Did we save some room for dessert?” or “Can we tempt you with something sweet?” Either way you want to trip them so they'll fall into a pie.

The bottom line: real people don’t talk like that! But it's great if you're a screenwriter.  As a writer I’m forever fascinated by dialogue. And in crafting a script, giving a character a certain turn of phrase can greatly help the actor define him. Good writers are great listeners. “Thanks and you have a lovely rest of the day.”

 

28 comments :

kent said...

Perfect.

Mibbitmaker said...

"Is everything outstanding?"

That's like they aren't waiting for you to pay them a huge compliment their food, they're already doing that for you!

The customer can respond, "The food is really good, I'm really enjoying everything. Outstanding? Not really, you're going to have to work on that."

Philly Cinephile said...

Never heard of Tilted Kilt, so I looked it up. On their website, the employment section is labeled "Casting & Careers."

My waitstaff pet peeves:

"Awesome": The word is overused in general, but I find it especially annoying when I order, for example, a cheeseburger and fries and the waitperson chirps, "Awesome!" Makes me want to say, "Really? I ordered a burger and that was enough to inspire awe -- an emotion variously combining dread, veneration, and wonder that is inspired by authority or by the sacred or sublime (according to Merriam-Webster)?"

"No worries": Again, not limited to restaurants, but I hate it when a waitperson brings me my meal, I say, "Thank you," and the waitperson says, "No worries!" It strikes me as passive-aggressive, as if the waitperson is implying that I should feel bad that I asked them to bring me my meal, and that they're taking the high road by reassuring me that I have no reason to feel bad...even though I should feel bad...even though I have no reason to...but I should. (I realize that there is very little actual thought behind these stock phrases, but still...) As a friend once said, the only appropriate responses to "thank you" are "you're welcome" and "it was my pleasure."

KLAC Guy said...

Apparently, this language must be something that is now taught at waitstaff school. I hear all the same things at restaurants here in Connecticut.

There is a little neighborhood hood place near me that I frequented often before the pandemic. I knew most of the waitstaff and they were all regular people who spoke in every day English. They reopened for indoor dining in June with a whole new staff, except for the manager. I knew I was in trouble right away when the waitress asked me “would we Ike to start with a refreshing beverage?” Through the course of the meal, she used every expression that you described.

On the way out, I asked the manager why he had all new people and he told me that they had either found new jobs after he was forced to close or they had moved away. Then he sai, “please be patient. I know they all have learned this new, obnoxious way to serve. I’m tryin to get them to relax and be natural, but they are convinced that they are being professional.”

Brad said...

I would say blame the restaurant management and owners.

Wendy M. Grossman said...

Move to London and eat in Chinese restaurants. They're normal.

wg

Michael said...

One of many in a long line of brilliant Russell Baker columns included a reference to restaurant menus. I share it here, for its value and for its tribute to proper English:

https://www.nytimes.com/1981/04/26/magazine/sunday-observer-the-english-mafia.html

Call Me Mike said...

Dear lord, what kind of Stepford restaurants have they got out there? Thankfully it's business as usual here in the "Hon Belt," as in "What'll it be, hon?"

Bob Paris said...

I was with an associate at Cafe Francais in Toluca Lake back in the 80's. I asked the server what the fresh fish was and she replied, in a fake French accent, "that would be the fish that is not frozen." I then asked, "what would that be?" I don't remember the answer but by then it was beside the point. Had great rack of lamb....

NOT RACHEL said...

Don’t know about a course in Waiter-speak but there’s an entire major in not mking eye contact or responding to non-verbal signals by customers.

YEKIMI said...

I need to hang out in classier restaurants. The ones I go to, the waiter/waitresses usually ask "What the fuck do you want to eat?" "Would you like it raw, barely warm or looking like a charcoal briquet when or if it makes it out of the kitchen?"

Mike Bloodworth said...

The old Stouffer's Lasagna and a glass of Carlo Rossi wine is sounding better and better.

M.B.

DBenson said...

Used to be, the deal was to present the food and say "Enjoy!" I toyed with a skit about a waitperson who'd use the word and then linger to see if the diners were sufficiently excited by the meal. Deciding they weren't, he/she would say, as a command, "I said, Enjoy!" This would be followed by requiring their conversation to be entirely about the dining experience, demanding to know why they didn't try the breadsticks, etc. But the core would be somebody belligerently insisting you display a proper level of pleasure.

Buttermilk Sky said...

It's a little OT but I recommend Calvin Trillin's essay about way-upscale restaurants to be avoided. The menu usually has a tassel and long, involved descriptions of the food, and it's called something like "Maison de la Casa House."

How's the dim sum in LA? You just point and they put a dish in front of you. No editorial comments necessary.

Cap'n Bob said...

I don't experience that in the PNW to the degree you do in La-La Land. I also get a lot of my food at drive throughs so maybe it isn't an apt comparison.

Joe Walters said...

I have not heard any of those out here in Albuquerque, but everywhere I eat, when they think I'm done and want to take my plate, they all (ALL!) ask, "May I get that out of your way?" Every time I hear that, I want to channel Sam Kinison. It's not in my way! In fact, it's exactly where you put it when you brought it out in the first place. If you think it's in my way, I find myself wondering: why did you put it in my way?

DanMnz said...

Not like that near Boston!

Brian said...

Ken, have you heard of the Dating Game Killer? Good thing he wasn't selected at the time: https://www.cnn.com/2021/07/24/us/dating-game-killer-alcala-dies/index.html

Todd Everett said...

People also don't talk in exposition; "George, as your analyst, I am obligated to tell you..."

Jeff said...

The "I have..." routine always makes me smirk. "Tonight I have the creamed spinach soup, chicken noodle...." Some store employees do this also when you ask if they have a certain item. "I have...." I guess it makes them feel important rather than just admitting they're just an employee.

DublinerIRL said...

I wonder if something a single waiter says that goes down well with a diner (who, say tips heavily), then other waiters see it as a successful strategy and copy it.
"And for yourself?" would be a common thing to say in Ireland, and here I wouldn't bat an eyelid at it. So maybe an Irish waiter used that phrase and it went down well so other, non-Irish, waiters just copied it.

Bob Gassel said...

FRIDAY QUESTION:

Could "Frasier" have even been been done had he and Lilith not split up already? I have to imagine it would have been tough starting the spinoff with their break up. Would the show have worked with Martin living with the two of them?

Brian MacIntyre said...

For years in Toronto and environs, I've been annoyed by two phrases frequently used by waiters and waitreeses around here: One is "Excellent choice!" which pretty much corresponds to your "Perfect!".
The other one (mainly employed by the females): "Mmm,yummy! My favourite!" What...a...coincidence... I think, and wonder if I should propose marriage, we have so much in common. I also am irritated by the ones who ask me what book I'm reading, or see the package I've brought with me and ask what CDs I've bought. None of your --- business, I manage not to say.

Lou Gravity said...

"Hi, I'm Anton, and I'll be taking care of you tonight." Later, "Are you still working on that?"

purplepenquin said...

The deja vu is strong with this one.

(NTTAWWT, of course!)

Greg said...

Like to eat with you to see this, never hear any of that at McDonalds. I go to 3 different ones, no perfects.

Ron Havens said...

It's been a while since it's happened but a real deal breaker for me in a table service restaurant is when a waiter or waitress sits down at the table to take your order. It drives me crazy and immediately away from what I leave for a tip.

Necco said...

I despise when a server starts to remove plates before everyone is finished eating. Even if he/she asks, it isn't the point. Unless requested by the diners, all plates remain on the table till all seated guests at the table have put down their utensils. To do otherwise, makes slower eaters feel rushed, etc. Plus, etiquette.