How to REALLY write a romantic comedy

You want to write a romantic comedy screenplay and sell it for a million dollars. So you take classes, read books, study story structure, analyze classic screen comedies, even put yourself through a couple of Nora Ephron films, and you think you’re ready.

You’re not.

Because even though those things are important they’re not what’s going to sell your movie. THESE will.

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You need a high concept. A BIG hook. To where “the girl is a mermaid” just barely makes the grade. Your characters can be real as long as there’s time travel.

The studio needs to visualize the one-sheet. In other words, the poster. And if you can provide a tag line that would be good too. “What if the girl of your dreams was your grandmother?”

There must be five good “trailer moments”. Studios don’t think in terms of 90 minutes, they think in terms of 90 seconds. There better be pratfalls. Someone in an avocado mask. Hugs and crashes.

Be sure to include five block comedy scenes. Zany sequences that generally involve destruction, humiliation, emasculation, dogs, and toilets. If they were making SOME LIKE IT HOT today Joe E. Brown would be giving Jack Lemmon a bikini wax. THE SEVEN YEAR ITCH would be Ben-Gay in Marilyn Monroe's panties.

Just as you see it every day in real life, have a group of strangers sing an infectious song from the 60’s and do a perfectly choreographed spontaneous dance number.

New York, Chicago, and Paris -- better than Detroit, Cleveland, and Warsaw.

And finally, it’s not enough anymore to have a happy ending, you need a sappy happy ending. A memorable line of dialogue wouldn't hurt either. "Without you I'm only me." "Before I met you, love was a noun. Now it's a verb."

Follow these guidelines, keep your script under 110 pages and there could be an Ashton Kutcher/Kate Hudson in your future. Good luck!!

Ho-leeee cowww!

Thank you, Tigers. No more Yankees. No more Spike Lee in the crowd. No more Donald Trump in his luxury box. No more John Sterling "theeeee Yankeees winnnn!" Unfortunately, I think no more Joe Torre. But he'll probably be happier than T-bag escaping from prison.

I'd hate to be the program director of the YES Network for the next five months. And I'd sure hate to be A-Rod.

Maybe now the Mets can get front page coverage.

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On Friday night’s AL division playoff game, Jon Miller had longtime Tiger broadcaster, Ernie Harwell come on to do a few innings. It was great to hear his crackling voice and at 88 Ernie was still as sharp as ever. Certainly sharper than analyst, Joe Morgan. But it brought to mind the days when each team had a distinctive announcer. And no one was more distinctive than the Scooter, Phil Rizzuto.

A former player, Rizzuto never really made the transition to broadcaster. And that was his charm. If there was a player’s name he couldn’t pronounce he’d just call him “Huckleberry”. He could never remember my name during the years I was a colleague so he always just called me “Mash”. When scoring a game he would often write WW following a player’s at bat. That meant “wasn’t watching”.

There are many great Phil Rizzuto stories. You probably have some. Here are my two favorites.

The Yankees were playing at Tiger Stadium one night. It was easy to hit home runs down the left field line. It was just a 340 foot chip shot. On the left field wall was a digital clock. A Yankee hit a home run and Rizzuto almost came out of his seat, saying on the air, “Holy cow, what a poke! He had that over the 808 sign!”

And then there was the day where his post game show was interrupted with the bulletin that Pope John Paul I had died after only a month of service. When he got back on the air, the first thing Rizzuto said was, “Wow. News like that could dampen even a Yankee win.”

C’mon, seriously, wouldn’t you rather hear the Scooter than Tim McCarver?

You're only as good as your last credit

Hello from San Francisco. Well, actually Emeryville but I can see San Francisco.

According to imdb.com I was the location manager on DANTE’S PEAK. This is news to me. I didn’t even see DANTE’S PEAK. Yet imdb has it listed and my agent is still pressing me for his commission. Nor was I the Environmental Production Advisor on FLIPPER although I was brought in to punch up his dialogue, and I was not the Location Manager on JURASSIC PARK even though I still write off Hawaiian trips and use Spielberg as a reference. I don’t know where imdb gets this information (I suspect my mother) but I’ve tried several times to get them to correct it but they won’t. So now when I get calls from other Location Managers (which I do) I just recommend our backyard for whatever they need. I’ve made a tidy sum on production rentals.

Worse are some credits they list that ARE true. How many directing assignments have I missed out on because potential employers saw I did multiple episodes of ASK HARRIET? Someone once said you’re only as good as your worst credit. We have shared credit on MANNEQUIN 2 for godsakes!

And then there are the credits imdb omitted that I am proud of. David and I created and produced a show on CBS in ’93 called BIG WAVE DAVE’S starring Adam Arkin. (Cancelled because they had to make room for the Faye Dunaway comedy and the Peter Scolari comedy. No, I’m not bitter). We wrote on the TRACEY ULLMAN SHOW, the TORTELLIS (okay, they were kind to skip that one), and we wrote and “guest starred” in an episode of OPEN ALL NIGHT. Notable because after that we never “guest starred” again.

OPEN ALL NIGHT was created by Tom Patchett & Jay Tarses (who did the BOB NEWHART SHOW and BUFFALO BILL). They asked us to write an episode. We saw that Jay was also going to be one of the series regulars so we asked if we could be in the show. They said, “Sure, what do we care?” So we wrote ourselves two fabulous parts. We were Sean & Evan, two swinging lawyers trying to pick up female mud wrestlers at a mace class. Tom & Jay didn’t change a word of our dialogue. All they did was add one little sentence in the stage direction:

THE WOMEN GET TIRED OF THESE GUYS AND FLIP THEM OVER THEIR SHOULDERS.

For the entire week of production we were getting thrown around all over the stage. Landing on our backs, landing on our heads. We were black and blue with multiple concussions. I still have a bruise. Finally, after the dress rehearsal just before the filming, Jay came to us and said, “Uh listen boys, we’re going to cut the stunt”.

Not only do I want to see that credit on imdb, I want it listed first.

Un film de

I'm off to San Francisco for a long weekend. Travelogue to follow next week. Assuming the Bates Motel has internet access I'll continue to post this weekend.

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My daughter has to come up with a couple of screenplay ideas for her writing class at Northwestern. It takes me back to my college days and all those terrible student films.

From what I’ve seen of recent student films, nothing has changed. This is a typical student film:

MUSIC UP: “Lips of an Angel” by Hinder.

FADE IN:

EXT. OIL FIELD – DAY
A well pumps oil. Forty or fifty times.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN -- NIGHT
CLOSE ON a knife.

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. PARK – DAY
Children frolic and play.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT
A girl is getting stabbed repeatedly. Forty, fifty times.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

CLOSE UP of cellphone as it RINGS and RINGS and RINGS. Forty, fifty times.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT

A river of blood.

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. NEW JERSEY EXPRESSWAY – DAY

A teddy bear is SQUASHED by a truck. ZOOM in on the bear remains.

FADE OUT. THE END

******

Okay, first off, there is no such thing as a SMASH CUT!!! A cut is a cut. How can you cut from one frame to another any faster?

Secondly, why do all these student masterpieces have to be soooo pretentious, ALWAYS feature a murder, rely on symbolism that only they get, and opt for an ear splitting soundtrack? God forbid, a student wanted to do something really different, something wildly controversial, and by that I mean (dare I say it?) “commercial”! Maybe prepare an actual script, include a story, do a comedy. Would the department stone them? I mean, it’s fine to be an “artist” but really, it’s okay not to bore the shit out of an audience.

When I was a student at UCLA the big thing was “the message.” Every film had to have a “message”. It didn’t have to be decipherable, just deep. Like me, my friend, Tom thought this was bullshit. But he knew how to play the game. Here’s his account of his student film.

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Yes, the 8mm masterwork was "Meat, a film by Chuck Roast." It was an artsy, hand held, quick cut look at America's obsession with eating animal flesh: Hanging carcasses, muddy feed lots, Dad bringing home McBurgers to his glowing family all sitting expectantly at the table, including the dog. It ended with a mound of hamburger exploding in Antonioni-style slow motion.

The film students and faculty loved it and it earned an A.

I think it took about 8 days to make. Lab work by Sav-On.

*******
So my advice to all you future Scorceses about to run off and make your brilliant senior project film, ask yourself the following question: “Where’s the beef?”

When they don't laugh

First off,

If you ever wondered what I sounded like as a disc jockey...

GREAT BIG RADIO will run a one hour sample of my work from 1977 on KTNQ tonight at 7 p.m. West Coast time, 10 p.m. East Coast time. Relive all your favorite stiffs from the 70's and see why I got out of radio.

Now to the real post:

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To be a TV comedy writer you have to have thick skin. Generally you’re in a room with other comedy writers, all neurotics, competing against each other to get your ideas or jokes in the script. Eight puppies and one sock.

Many times you’ll pitch a joke that doesn’t get a laugh or doesn’t get in. You’re out there with egg on your face. I find it’s best to develop a series of savers. As a public service, here are a few I use. (Note: if you find yourself using all of these in a five minute span consider other employment).

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Hey guys, don’t all hoist me on your shoulders at once!

Okay, but you’re denying America pleasure.

Oh God, it’s my prom night all over again.

If Jon Stewart pitched that you’d put it right in.

I hear laughter but I don’t see the pencil moving.

Okay, don’t see your kids tonight. Stay all night. I’m doing this for you. Some thanks I get.

Sure, it’s not funny when I say it. But when (actor) says it…

You’re only mad because you didn’t think of it first.

Nurse! They’re being mean to me again!

The laugh machine will LOVE it.

I bet at JERICO they’d be hysterical.

Fine. I wasn’t meant to be appreciated in my time.

I don’t feel the love, you assholes.

You try being funny when you’re having a stroke.

See it typed. You’ll think differently.

Okay, what if they said it in a funny accent?

I’m sorry. Are there no more seats at the Algonquin Round Table?

So you’re saying perfection isn’t good enough?

Hey, you hired me!

(In Forghorn Leghorn voice) I say, I say, I keep pitchin’ ‘em, boy, and you keep missin’ ‘em.

Jesus, people, doesn’t ANYTHING make you laugh?

You all remember. I used to be funny, right?

And of course, the ultimate saver and perennial crowd pleaser – Go fuck yourself.

Who's who on LOST

LOST is my favorite show. In preparation for Wednesday night’s season premiere, here are the handy character sketches you’ll need to be up to speed and fully enjoy the show.

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JACK (Matthew Fox) – Handsome doctor who’s the unofficial leader of the castaways. You know that because his name is Jack. All alpha male drama stars are named Jack. God forbid an action hero is named Percy. Is hot for Kate. Still asks for insurance before providing medical aid.

KATE (Evangeline Lilly) – When not murdering people is charming and sexy. Gets caught in nets a lot. I love that about her. Every guy lusts for her even though they know she’s a homicidal fugitive. But, as Mel Gibson would say, “as long as she’s not Jewish.”

JOHN (Terry O’Quinn) – Believes everything is for a reason. Puts him in conflict with Jack who believes the actors are just making the stuff up. Father duped him out of a kidney. Caused a rift. Miraculously able to walk once on the island. Had he claimed it was Scientology would have been shot.

CHARLIE (Dominic Monaghan) – One hit wonder UK rock star. If rescued, the first thing he will do is fire his agent for this gig. Is drug addict. Known to snort trees and bushes. Loves new mother Claire. Nicknamed her baby “Turnip Head”. Doesn’t realize it’s a nickname.

CLAIRE (Emilie de Ravin) – Kidnapped and escaped while pregnant. Suspects captors did alien probe type tests on her. Abductors could get an extra five years tacked onto their sentence for that.

HURLEY (Jorge Garcia) – Been through this before. Survived the cancellation of BECKER. Won a $156 million lottery and has been cursed ever since. Until he won he didn’t realize he was 200 pounds overweight. Vocabulary includes, “Dude” and…well actually, that’s it.

MICHAEL (Harold Perrineau) – African-American. In order to get his kidnapped son back he shot two series regulars. But they were only season two regulars so he’s still considered an okay guy.

WALT (Malcolm David Kelley) – Nine year old son of Michael. Mystic powers. Conjured up a polar bear on the island. Grounded two weeks for that.

SAYID (Naveen Andrews) – Terrorist with heart of gold. Tortured people before it became non PC.

SAWYER (Josh Holloway) – Handsome bad boy. The guy all girls desire until they realize he’s terrible for them and marries an accountant named Percy instead.

JIN-SOON (Daniel Dae Kim) – Korean. Married to Sun. Went into her father’s business as thug. She doesn’t know her Dad is in Asian mafia. Horse head in bed was explained away as fraternity prank. Only speaks in sub-titles.

SUN (Yunjin Kim) Married to Jin-Soon. Learned English by watching MASH. Pregnant but husband is impotent. Someone’s in for a shock during May sweeps. Actually, two people.

MR. EKO (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbale) – African African. Spiritual, mysterious, strong as hell. In another life the Indian in CUCKOO’S NEST or James Bond’s guide in DR. NO.

One for the Coach

Nick Colasanto, who played the Coach on CHEERS had a background that might surprise you. He directed quite a few episodes of HAWAII 5-0, COLUMBO, STREETS OF SAN FRANCISCO, and numerous other hour shows. As an actor he usually played the heavy and had a featured role in RAGING BULL. His TV acting credits include every cop show with a one word title (MCCLOUD, MANNIX, IRONSIDES, COLUMBO, KOJAK, BARETTA, etc.) He was also a very prominent acting teacher in New York.

Director James Burrow said the great thing about Nicky is that you could swear he never saw the joke coming. But boy could he score. Half the time he got laughs on straight lines. Talk about a writer’s dream! And he was a wonderful person. Kind, generous, very much like the character he portrayed.

But Nick had trouble had memorizing scripts. As I mentioned, his lines were hidden everywhere. And I’m reminded of one story which is pretty much quintessential Nick.

After filming an episode one night the cast had to do promos for NBC. It was midnight. Everyone was tired. Not a great time for close ups, but still. Shelly was first. She was given the script, and dutifully pitched her lines.

Nick was next. We knew giving him a script was not a great idea so we talked the promo guy into just feeding Nick the lines right out of camera range.

Everyone got into positions. The promo guy said, “Thursday nights are going to be great on NBC.” Nick repeated it back, really selling it. We all looked at each other impressed. He did that better than Shelley.

The delighted promo man then said, “Friday nights are going to be great on NBC.” Nick parroted it back. The promo guy said, “once again.” Nick looked right into the camera and with great conviction said, “Once again!”

I miss you Coach. Once again.

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STUDIO 60: week three

The first and only rule in comedy is don't take yourself too seriously. STUDIO 60 is like the Rand Corporation Think Tank doing a late night sketch show. King Arthur couldn't pull Excalibur out of anyone's asshole on that show. Yikes!!

The CHEERS set

My favorite reader comment so far:

I've gotten familiar with Becker through the syndication. Not familiar with "Cheers".

Well, among those who are familiar with CHEERS I received a request to talk about the set.

We filmed CHEERS on Stage 25 at Paramount Studios in Hollywood (but the seedier section of Hollywood).

The set was designed by Richard Sylbert, an Academy Award winner whose credits include CHINATOWN, REDS, WHOSE AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF, ROSEMARY’S BABY, THE GRADUATE, and (ironically) LILITH.

It was patterned after the Bull & Finch bar in Boston. But the B&F is much smaller, and the bar itself is up against the back wall. The décor, Tiffany lamps, and stained glass is true to the B&F.

Director James Burrows had a lot of input into the design which is why it was so easy to shoot in it. You could bring cameras way up into the set, get many different and interesting angles, and even get shots all the way down the hall.

If you look closely you’ll notice a line that runs down the center of the bar. It’s on a hinge and actually the right half can swing around, allowing room for the right wall to swing back revealing Sam’s office.

There are lights underneath the bar pointing up. It was hard in the first few episodes to see Ted Danson’s eyes.

Nick Colasanto always had a tough time memorizing the script. There were dozens of his lines hidden underneath the bar.

The bar was functional. The CHEERS set was the best ever for show parties.

Whenever an outside set is needed the pool room set is struck.

There is a fourth wall section that was used a couple of times in the first season.

The audience bleachers sat 200. They were raised so even the front row could see over the cameras. To one side was a platform where a small band would play between scenes.

The beer served on tap was warm 3.2 beer. Do not envy George Wendt having to drink that swill every week.

The set was huge. If we wanted to pack the bar we needed 500 people. For our routine customers we used 30-40 extras. Anything else and the bar looked empty.

The guy who had the hardest job on the series was the prop master. Imagine keeping track of all the glasses, drinks, bowls, trays, pretzels, 5.457.432 lemons that Ted cut up every episode, etc.

The phone on the bar would move from end to end depending upon where we needed it.

The Wurlitzer jukebox was not functional. The piano was.

The set was lit differently after the first couple of episodes. Brighter, more inviting. If you have the DVD of the first season, notice the difference between the pilot and episodes later in the year.

In an effort to save money during our first season (when we were getting killed in the ratings not only by SIMON & SIMON but by TUCKER’S WITCH for Godsakes) the studio requested we start shooting the show on tape. A test scene was taped and the set looked ghastly. So much for that brilliant experiment.

The photo over the bar that is supposed to be Sam is really Boston Cy Young winning pitcher Jim Lonborg.

The wooden Indian at the front door was named Techumsa.

When the series finally wrapped I walked over to the stage to watch them strike the set. It was so upsetting I left after maybe two minutes. Of all the shows I worked on, CHEERS was my favorite. And no, I didn’t steal anything from the set. And yes, I’m an idiot. I should have. At least Techumsa.

Weekend loose ends

Congratulations to my beloved Dodgers for getting into postseason play. My wife is a huge Mets fan and my partner is a huge Yankees fan. I should be single and writing solo by mid October.

Vin Scully is the best baseball announcer that will ever be. Modern day baseball has been around for about 108 years. Scully has been there for more than HALF of it. Just think of all the World Series, no-hitters, perfect games, and beach balls this man has seen.

Newspapers are claiming that SURVIVOR caved under pressure by ending their race tribe experiment on week three. Uh…the shows were filmed in early June.

In order to get the TV section in the LA TIMES every week you now have to call and request it. The Sunday paper weighs one ton, 500 pounds of ads (and not all cute model ads either. Tires, and Target and that shit). Is this a new policy to save paper? No wonder the Tribune company is going out of business, the TV section.

What do you think FOX dreads more? Their Brad Garrett numbers or a San Diego-Minnesota World Series?

I was a Padres broadcaster when they won the division in 1996. I handled the post game locker room interviews for local TV. Driving home, drenched head to toe in cheap champagne and wreaking, I thought, man if a cop pulls me over I am really screwed.

I was at ABC the day after Ted Danson’s show premiered. I asked a network exec about the numbers. He said they were great. Later I asked another network exec the same question and she shook her head. Not good. And from this are decisions made.

When JACKASS NUMBER TWO is the number one boxoffice hit you know we’re only eight minutes away from Armageddon.

I can’t wait for the LOST season premiere.

I can more than wait for the return of Tim McCarver. For those, like me, who can’t stand him, this site is for you.

And if you're a Joe Morgan hater, you'll want to click here.

NIP/TUCK is one plotline away from Drs. Troy & McNamara doing a boob job on an extra terrestrial.

Is Katie Couric still anchoring the CBS EVENING NEWS?

Go Bums!!

HOUSE rules

I was walking recently and felt dizzy for a second. I stumbled a beat, regained my balance, the dizziness went away and that was that. No biggie…except my first thought was “Ohmygod, it’s the opening of HOUSE. I have some horrible bizarre medical problem and within hours I will be hanging on for my life.” HOUSE is absolutely the worst show a hypochondriac can watch, and yet…I LOVE IT.

Since this is another low traffic weekend (plus I now optimistically have twelve new readers) I thought I’d re-post an article explaining HOUSE I wrote back in February. Enjoy…or re-enjoy.

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If you’re writing a spec episode of HOUSE, here’s the format: Vibrant attractive Fox-friendly hottie in her 30’s suddenly collapses for no reason. Opening credits. House says it’s nothing, send her home. She goes into convulsions. For the next forty minutes the earnest young doctors misdiagnosis her, send her into cardiac arrest, remove something that doesn’t need removing, break into her house for an illegal search, send House in to brow beat and traumatize her, and finally he figures it out. It’s something obscure like she licks stamps with cyanide or swims in a toxic waste dump. Five minutes later she’s cured and goes home. Last scene – ironic music plays over as House sits alone in his…well…house, pensive and tortured.

House must answer every question with a smart remark, the young doctors must roll their eyes at least ten times, House must break the Hippocratic Oath, show up Lisa Edelstein, discuss his love life with the bemused Sean Robert Leonard, and watch garbage TV (otherwise who would know he’s “quirky”?).

Four out of five weeks it’s revealed that the patient was lying all along, covering something up. So instead of just confiding in a doctor they allow themselves to get prodded, probed, cut open, and wrongfully medicated to the point of cardiac arrest and kidney failure.

So you took birth control pills, Julie Warner? You didn’t want to have another baby. Is that worth involuntary flailing, psychotic episodes, internal bleeding, and losing part of your liver? Y’know. your health plan has to pay for this.

The hospital itself is the only one on the planet with glassed in patient rooms. If I was sick in bed and had bedpan accidents I’d sure want people strolling by my room all day. And although they spared no expense on the modern design of the facility, apparently they forgot to include Recovery Rooms and ICU. No matter how major the operation the patient is right back in their private room two hours later entertaining visitors.

And still….it’s my favorite doctor show and I watch it every week religiously. And the episode where the mystery disease was IgA nephrophathy – I guessed it.

Working with Robin Williams

First off, thanks to Defamer.com, James Wolcott, and Lance Mannion for recent referrals. Hopefully, of the thousands of new readers, six will bookmark and stay.

*****

A reader asked me recently to talk about my sordid days doing improv. I started in 1979. Disco was dying and I was looking for the next big thing. My partner, David and I sold a pilot to NBC about a Nichols & May type improv team. The concept was could a man and woman work together and just be friends (long before Sally faked her orgasm for Harry)? To research the arena I called Dee Marcus, director of the improv group OFF THE WALL (still in existence, still performing Friday nights in Santa Monica, and still hilarious) and asked if I could audit a class. She said only if I agreed to participate. I figured, what the hell? I couldn’t be much worse than the other beginners.

I arrived and was blown away by how unbelievably great everyone was. SNL quality people performing over a beauty school at Santa Monica Blvd. and Fairfax. These were the beginners? Shit! I was lucky to get through a scene without pissing on myself (although, I know I passed up a sure laugh) After a few trying weeks of this I learned Dee hadn't put me in the beginners class, she put me in the performance class. These were all the top professionals. (Thanks, Dee) The tip off came when Robin Williams showed up one night.

I stayed in the class for a couple of years, learned an enormous amount, and eventually became part of a comedy troop, THE SUNDAY FUNNIES. We played to crowds often fewer in number than the cast.

After many years of sabbatical I’ve recently started popping in on Andy Goldberg’s class. Of all the improv teachers he’s by far the best. As a comedy writer I recommend improv training. It teaches spontaneity, committing to a character, and creating scenes with beginnings, middles, and ends. The hardest part is going to a deli afterwards and watching your classmates eat fried kreplachs at 11 at night.

One story about Robin. Needless to say, doing scenes with him was an adventure. He is so fast and brilliant he just uses you like a prop. One night I got called up to do a two person scene with him. If you were lucky you sometimes could get in two words. The scene began, he went off in fifteen different directions. I didn't even know what the hell he was talking about. Finally, I heard a beat of silence. He must've been taking a breath. Now's my chance, I thought. I don't know why but the only thing I could think to say was "fuck you". Much to my surprise it got a laugh. He was off and running for two more minutes of inspired word jazz and then it was my turn again. Since it got a laugh the first time I said, "fuck you". It got an even bigger laugh. This became the scene. Robin riffing, me occasionally blurting out "fuck you". And every time I got the biggest laughs.

When the scene was over I worried that Robin would be pissed that I upstaged him. Instead, he took me aside and said, “that was great.” I consider it one of my greatest achievements in comedy.

And I guess he remembers it because every time I see him the first thing he says to me is “Fuck you!”

*****

p.s.

For info on OFF THE WALL just click here.

Loitering at the water cooler

Not to turn this into a STUDIO 60 blog but with all the comments I thought I’d take one more day to offer additional thoughts. Tomorrow, I promise, on to new a new topic – me having to act in a scene with Robin Williams. Picture Fred Astaire and his cane. But for now…

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I’m waiting to see Aaron Sorkin write an actual funny sketch. Maybe that Krazy Kristians sketch we’ve heard so much about for two weeks.

Fellow writers, when you saw the scene where Matthew Perry viewed his writing staff as all hacks, didn’t you think in the back of your mind that that’s what Aaron Sorkin thinks of all of us?

And so again I say, let’s see an Aaron Sorkin penned FUNNY sketch.

When have you ever seen a press conference to welcome new showrunners? To get any show biz reporter to show up the network would have to provide a lavish buffet, goody bags, and the only other entertainment story of the day would have to be the DVD release of EMILY’S REASONS WHY NOT. In reality, what are you going to ask these guys? “What are you going to do different?” to which they would respond, “Uh, tune in Friday night and see.”? Then back to Amanda Peet for, “Thank you for coming, ladies and gentlemen. Grab a plate. The food stations are now open. All we ask is that you don’t fill your pockets.”

Brad Whitford, as great as he is, is still Josh from WEST WING to me.

The weeklong countdown clock that Matt Perry says would drive anyone nuts – try having to reset it every 108 minutes and then come talk to me.

In the original pilot script, dated October 6, 2005 the network name was UBS.

Steven Weber is still the best thing in the show. He is soulless and delicious. How does one get from WINGS to this? Do THE SHINING in the middle.

Doesn’t NBS have bigger things to worry about than their Friday night 11:30 pm sketch show? How good can their prime time line up be? Let’s see Amanda deal with Dick Wolf.

If you polled a studio audience of SNL and asked who Gilbert & Sullivan were, I bet most would say two of the Chipmunks.

Is John Mauceri considered stunt casting? Jesus, when we were doing ALMOST PERFECT the network said no to Angie Dickinson.

It’s hard to root for people who are all beautiful, talented, rich, and could get another job in a minute. At least if the gang from WEST WING screwed up there’d be thermonuclear war. Here, the affiliate in Jewhate, Arkansas pre-empts the show.

But for all its flaws I still find STUDIO 60 fascinating and will watch again next week.

And yet, at the end of the day I bet the Tina Fey show will be more realistic and funnier.

Studio 60 & other stuff

After watching episode two of STUDIO 60 I must let you in on a little secret. People in television, trust me, are not that smart. Not even close. Jesus. I’ve worked with people whom I thought, if they couldn’t write a joke they’d be living in a Maytag box. And they keep talking about how unbelievably talented that Harriet (Sarah Paulson) is. Have you seen evidence of it yet? I haven’t. But then again, I’m not that smart.

Note to Aaron Sorkin: the best way to motivate comedy writers is not with threats and a dress code.

Notice when people talk about STUDIO 60 they don't start the conversation by saying, "I really liked it" or "I hated it"? Instead it's always, "What did you think?" I suspect no one really knows what to make of it.

So far, no breakout new hits this year. Could it be the two-shows-for-every-premise policy this year? I’d love to see the abducted kid from KIDNAPPED delivered to the folks on VANISHED.

HAPPY HOUR has been pre-empted. Whoever picked that show as the first cancellation, you’re looking pretty good. Although, KIDNAPPED could sneak in there first. And STANDOFF has gone on hiatus, presumably to give the new consulting producer a chance to get up to speed. Shutting down production is never a good sign, and needing a new consulting producer is a worse one.

Best title of the new shows: MEN IN TREES.

GREY’S ANATOMY beat CSI last Thursday. People are more interested in who’s doing it than who done it.

CSI MIAMI beat STUDIO 60 last Monday. People are more interested in who done it than what is it?

Just when I think sitcoms are bad I see those beer commercials on football games.

I’m sure I speak for all writers when I say I’d rather be a sherpa than work on a Mandy Patinkin show.

If you root for a tribe on SURVIVOR does that make you a racist? Way to cast the Hispanic team, by the way. They selected a big fat lazy heavy metal artist. Shots of his tribe mates working away while he just sat. Producers did everything but play “Manana” every time the camera went to him.

Now that several FRASIER writers are working on DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, expect a lot of episodes about dinner parties that go awry.

See LENNON VS. US. Terrific documentary. Worth the price of admission just for the scene where Black Panther leader, Bobby Seale is a guest on the Mike Douglas Show. I just wish they had sung a duet together. Maybe Ed Ames’ “My Cup Runneth Over” or Sly Stone’s “Don’t call me Nigger, Whitey.”

The Ted Danson School of Star Etiquette

Despite my desire to kill off characters when stars misbehave, my heart goes out to actors. Writers are used to rejection. But for actors, throw in “I don’t like his nose,” “Great actress but no breasts,” and the old network standby: “Ugh, America can’t look at her.” I sure couldn’t do it. Is it any wonder that sometimes the very few who survive this humiliation and make it become raging assholes? The people who do believe in them and hire them wind up paying for all those who didn’t. It’s payback time, except it’s often misplaced. (Ian Gurvitz, in his book HELLO, THE AGENT LIED refers to actors as "children in adult clothes". )

My partner and I have worked numerous projects with “stars” and I’ve encountered a few more on my own in my directing life. I’m a firm believer that money and power just make you more of what you are. Last week I alluded to Mary Tyler Moore (when you see her throw her hat in the air, it’s really my liver) but I’ve been more than blessed by being able to work with Ted Danson, Alan Alda, Nancy Travis, Michael Douglas, Kelsey Grammer, David Hyde Pierce, Tom Hanks, John Candy, and many others.

Having experienced the good and bad, David and I now have a little speech we give “stars” before we go into business with them. We say how thrilled we are to be working with them, how we’ll kill ourselves to make the best possible show, something we can all be proud of…”but if you turn into a monster we’re in Hawaii.” And it’s not an idle threat. We once walked away from a pilot the minute it wrapped. Life IS too short.

David and I have always contended all sitcom leads should be required to attend the “Ted Danson school of how to conduct yourself as a TV star”. There is a certain responsibility that goes along with being the star. He sets the tone for the whole stage. Ted is forever gracious, professional, on time, supportive, unselfish, makes everyone from guest stars to visitors feel completely welcome. His work ethic is impeccable. And as a result everyone else takes their cue from him.

What this creates is a happy set and that’s an intangible that always makes it to the screen – an infectious quality, an energy that gives the show just that extra little sparkle. And in today’s marketplace that spark, that twinkle could be the difference.

Steven Bochco once said, “the first year the actors work for you, the second year you work together, and the third you work for them.”

Tuesday night Ted Danson’s new series, HELP ME HELP YOU premieres on ABC. I hope it’s the hit of the season. There’s no more deserving actor – and that’s after having two huge hits already.

Best of luck, Teddy!

Pitching pilots

It’s the sitcom pilot pitching time of the year.

For the next few months those of us TV writers lucky enough to be invited will schlep over to the networks and pitch our pilot ideas. It’s the comedy version of GLENGARY GLENROSS.

You generally meet with the director of comedy, or VP of comedy, or Lt. Colonel of comedy and three or four underlings. One of the underlings will be holding a pad and taking notes of your pitch. Don’t dismiss this person as someone insignificant. Four years from now she’ll be running the CW. You, on the other hand, will be flanked with a studio rep (or six), a non-writing producer (the style de jour), and maybe an agent. When I was with CAA they always sent an agent. And it was always someone I had never met. He invariably would walk into the meeting and tell the network honcho that we had an “idea that would blow him away” even though he had no idea what the idea was.

After some small talk where everyone tries to impress everyone else with what great foodies we all are, it’s time to launch into the pitch. You lay out the premise, characters, sample stories, and try to make them laugh throughout. Some will, they’ll be rockin’ and rollin’. Others will stare at you blankly like you just ran over their kitty. It’s been described as playing tennis against a blanket. Same pitch. Same jokes. Same delivery. Totally different reactions.

But just because you have the network enthralled and coughing up blood from laughter doesn’t mean they’ll buy it. And likewise, one that is dying a horrible death could be the one you sell right there in the room. Most of the time they will tell you they’ll discuss it and get back to you. That generally means they have to pitch it to their boss who will then make the decision. So you can imagine how sparkling the pitch will be second hand from the tennis blanket.

A few things that have happened to my partner and I during pitch meetings –

We had to pitch a pilot the day after 9-11. The VP cried. (We sold it)

We pitched ABC (years and many executives ago) and started with a joke. We said we had an idea that was tailor made for their network. We called in “Tuesday Night Football”. The girl with the pad was writing it down as if we were serious. (We didn’t sell the idea or TNF that day.)

Our PA on CHEERS who used to get us lunch became the VP of comedy at a major network. We had to pitch our PA. (No sale. But we were offered drinks.)

The comedy VP (who later became the president of that network) once asked us “What is the opening episode of the seventh season?” Huh??? How the fuck do you answer that? We said “the clip show, featuring all the highlights of the many Emmy winning episodes.” (No sale)

This happened several times: The VP hears our pitch then says they bought something just like it only yesterday. But if it’s any consolation ours is better. Oh yeah. Tremendous consolation. That’s like “if I hadn’t met your brother first I would have slept with you.”

We were overseeing two young writers. The studio rep began the meeting by introducing all of us to the network people by saying, “So with Ken & David we have the old with the new.” Jesus! Why not just say, “we went over to the broadcast museum and dug up the guys who wrote MR. PEEPERS”?

We had a great pitch once. The VP called to say it’s not final but we were on “the one yard line”. Turns out we hit a tough goal line stance. And the clock ran out.

We pitched a show that took place between midnight and six. The network said, “We LOVE it. We’ll buy it. Only one small alternation. Can it not take place between midnight and six?” Uh, then what are you buying? They weren’t sure but they liked the area. (No sale there but we did sell it elsewhere.)

Easiest pitch we ever had -- David Isaacs, Robin Schiff, and I went into CBS to pitch ALMOST PERFECT. We said, “a young woman – on the day she gets the job of her life meets the guy of her life. How does she juggle the two?” SOLD. Just like that.

And finally, how original do the ideas have to be? In 1975 we sold our first pilot to NBC. It was called BAY CITY AMUSEMENT COMPANY. The premise was a behind-the-scenes look at SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE. Considering they have two shows on the air this season with that exact same premise I’d say just pick up our show instead. Unfortunately, half of our cast is now dead.

In the year 5767

Happy Jewish New Years. It's just not the same without this man.

I'm reminded of Sandy Koufax not pitching the first game of the 1965 World Series because it was the Jewish High Holiday. Don Drysdale pitched instead. The Minnesota Twins bombed him. He was lifted in the third inning. As Dodger manager, Walter Alston came out to the mound to get him, Drysdale said, "Yeah, Skip, I know what you're thinking. Why couldn't HE be Jewish?"

Beaver Cleaver resurfaces

For my weekend post, here are a few sites you might check out.

My son, Matt, has a great baseball blog worth your attention. Now that his beloved Red Sox are toast he turns his attention to the playoffs.

Here's a magic trick you won't see at the next kiddie party. I'd like to see David Copperfield do this one. Trust me, there's nothing up her sleeve.

For those who have asked to hear what I sounded like as a disc jockey, here's a sample of my work in 1977. Just scroll down the page until you find Beaver Cleaver on TenQ. Yes, that's right. Beaver Cleaver. Warning: I was insane back then.

This is the book about television you've got to read. HELLO, LIED THE AGENT by Ian Gurvitz. It's caustic, it's bitter, it's hilarious.

A fun internet radio station is GREAT BIG RADIO. It's what Jack should be. Good kick ass rock n' roll from the 60's through last Thursday. Plus fun surprises.

Another good book is KINDERGARTEN WARS by Alan Eisenstock. Alan's a former TV sitcom writer who went legit and writes books now. KINDERGARTEN WARS is the true life insanity of what it takes to get your floor ape into private school at the finger paint level. Which nursery school is a feeder for Harvard or Yale? You'll learn here.

Stop the music!!

Open letter to drama showrunners:

STOP LISTENING TO NEW MUSIC!

It seems every one hour show ends now with the obligatory montage bouncing from one main character to the other, each alone, each in a different location, and each soul searching and oozing angst. Rain slicked streets and mood lighting a must. And over this is some dreary song by some new artist that the showrunner discovered on KaZaa or satellite radio, plaintively wailing some life advice that is designed to touch us all with its perception and depth. Tom Waits wannabes even though they’re too young to know who Tom Waits is.

It’s great for the writer of the episode – three fewer pages he has to write but the device is starting to get real cliché. Plus, the songs tend to be AWFUL.

The one in the premiere of SMITH was so grating that I actually envied the crew member that died.

I notice that HOUSE now does this every week. We get it. His leg smarts. He’s a tortured soul. Sleep with Cameron. Play Jackie Wilson.

I seem to recall this trend beginning with David E. Kelley shows (although I might be wrong). Poor Alley is alone and beautiful for another night. And the Biscuit is in the twentieth year of his puberty. But at least Kelley mixed it up sometimes with hits from the 70’s. Nowadays, if an artist gets more than five hits a month on his MySpace site he’s too familiar.

PRISON BREAK took the conceit to a whole new level last year when the music they played was the HOUSE theme.

I blame Nora Ephron. (I blame her for a lot of things. Cringeworthy movies, killing BEWITCHED, global warming). Nora goes to the soundtrack card every chance she gets. Who needs to DIRECT when a gooey Celine Dion-Clive Griffin tune can just convey the mood?

Drama showrunners, please retire this device. Host amateur nights at the Troubadour if you want to discover the next Bjork, but for your shows don’t end each episode with every character on suicide watch.

Oh, and while I’m ranting, to showrunners, producers, and directors everywhere – NEVER play “Wonderful World” by Louis Armstrong EVER AGAIN. Thank you.

Studio 60/the Class

Monday saw the premieres of the two big bonus babies, STUDIO 60 and THE CLASS. Both come from A-list writers, both were written on spec, and both resulted in huge bidding wars. And neither had boffo debuts.

THE CLASS did about as well as longtime tired journeyman, KING OF QUEENS. And it got its ass kicked by models posing with briefcases.

STUDIO 60 did a little better than THE MEDIUM did a year ago but the MEDIUM was up against ABC Monday Night Football not WIFESWAP and didn’t have the benefit of the attaché bimbos as a lead in. Plus, STUDIO 60 lost 15% of its viewers in the second half hour. That’s over 2 1/2 million – roughly the number of Emmys the people involved with the series have won.

It’s such a familiar pattern. Networks, as a hedge against failure, clamor over anyone who has given them a hit, way overpaying for the privilege. In their zeal to throw millions at these creators, they didn’t look to see that Aaron’s show was waaaaaay too inside show business, and that David’s show was about, well…nothing. Just a bunch of people talking. It’s not just Sorkin and Crane that make for a hit, it’s also the IDEA.

WEST WING dealt with the highest stakes. Even if you didn’t know the specifics of the arguments (and if you didn't, don't feel bad. Bush doesn't understand them either), you did know that the gobblidy gook affected the state of the world somehow. In STUDIO 60 the big crisis is whether a sketch (that we’ve never seen) should air. Unless it's going to incite terrorists, who gives a shit? Plus, there was the fairy tale aspect of WEST WING – a smart caring compassionate President and staff. If real life could only be like that.

FRIENDS was the first show with no “grown up” authority figures. It was six twentysomethings making it on their own brought together by this apartment that no twentywomething in New York could ever afford. The CLASS is more twentysomethings brought together by some flimsy gimmick, doing really…I don’t know what they’re doing. Telling penis jokes.

I love Aaron Sorkin’s writing. I thought his show was smart, he set up his charcters well, and no one can write whithering toppers like he can. His characters routinely say the things in arguments you wish you could say just once. And he can be funny (so I’m REALLY threatened). Plus, he’s assembled a steller cast. Amanda Peet CAN act. Matthew Perry is more than just Chandler, Brad Whitford is so natural and real. And I thought Steven Weber, as the soulless network President stole the show.

But the subject matter is so inside and the fabulous dialogue goes by so quickly that I fear the average viewer gets left by the side of the road. And there’s another problem. Invariably, anytime the American audience is told they’re stupid and they’re sheep they don’t like it. You’d think you could slip that one by ‘em but I guess you can’t.

I hope people stay with STUDIO 60. Because of the huge penalty attached, I’m sure NBC will not yank it (translation: “We support our shows at NBC.”) And I bet for those of us who do know the industry, there will be some crackerjack episodes along the way.

I watched THE CLASS with two 23 year olds. They’re both big fans of HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER so clearly they’re CBS’s target audience. By the first commercial they were saying “Let’s give this ten more minutes.” That can’t be good. And they were calling out the jokes right before they were said. These are two engineers, by the way, not aspiring comedy writers.

What we have here is a faint carbon of FRIENDS (featuring generally unlikable characters). The only thing surprising was not seeing the little NBC logo in the bottom corner. With sitcoms an endangered species already, who needs another FRIENDS ripoff, even from the creator of FRIENDS?

Networks never seem to remember that for every MURPHY BROWN there’s also a LOVE & WAR, INK, DOUBLE RUSH, and FOLEY SQUARE from the same genius. Even from the FRASIER folks there’s ENCORE, ENCORE.

I’m not saying never use these proven producers, just save some money for the other guys. This year’s big hits may just come from people you never heard of.

Cos and effect

Lots of requests for Mary Tyler Moore stories. Some I can tell. Others I’ll save for my book, tentatively titled “I've been thrown out of show business”. But I will say this, she is one of the most gifted comic actresses I have ever worked with, but God was she tough. And part of the blame goes to Bill Cosby.

My partner, David Isaacs and I created and executive produced Mary’s 1985 comeback vehicle, MARY for CBS. We got the best reviews of any series we ever created, we got a 26 share the night we premiered (which today would get a five year pick up, two spin offs, and a board game), had a wonderful cast, Danny DeVito to direct and the whole thing crashed and burned in thirteen episodes. It was all the more disappointing because we had idolized Mary. I wanted to be a comedy writer growing up after watching THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW. If that was how you get a Laura Petrie hand me the rubber chicken and seltzer bottle and send me off to war!

Mary’s return to television was the result of her movie career drying up. There were fewer good parts. And those that were out there were offered to Jane Fonda, Shirley MacLaine, and even Christine Lahti first. She had just been in a huge stinkbomb with Dudley Moore called SIX WEEKS. And TV offered her a chance to rise from the ashes once again. But I don’t think she ever in her heart really wanted to do it. Same with her next two comeback thudburgers.

She was competing with the ghost of maybe the finest situation comedy ever produced (as were we), she was living alone 3000 miles away from her husband, forced to give up smoking the week we went into production, working with two young writers she didn’t know, was given a bad time slot, and she had been fed a load of crap that her return to television would be for CBS what COSBY was for NBC.

Any two of those or just the smoking one by itself was enough to kill a show. We faced ALL of them. And as I like to say, it was like dragging a dead horse across the finish line to shoot it.

As Mary became unhappy and isolated she became difficult. Very confrontational. Think ORDINARY PEOPLE but without the warmth. It got so bad we wanted to just leave lit cigarettes everywhere in her path.

CBS loved the pilot. So much that they thought they could start a night with it, a la COSBY. It was a sophisticated 9 PM show, not family friendly fare designed to compete against a top ten hit in HIGHWAY TO HEAVEN. The day of the premiere there was a betting pool on the stage to guess our share for that night. 48? 50? 52? We were sooo fucking dead. Needless to say, when we premiered with a paltry 26 Mary threw in the towel and wanted off the show. Week ONE!!

From then on she pretty much hated everything and everybody. We were asked to fire two cast members…over the Christmas break. Directors who had been signed for multiple episodes begged out after one. Writers rotated in and out. We were on the front lines forever calling for fresh troops.

I would get calls at home every weekend from Mary. (I think my partner moved several times to throw her off his scent.) And here is just an example of what we were going through. She was very excited because Bill Cosby had just called her. I said, “Yeah, so what? You’re Mary Tyler Moore. He should be excited talking to you.” The Cos (excuse me -- Dr. William H. Cosby, Jr. Ed.D) had watched a couple of episodes and knew what was wrong. Mary needed to be more like Rocky. She needed to have more triumphs. I wasn’t sure how to respond. I asked her if she had ever seen ROCKY? She said, “Yes. Of course. Why?” I gently reminded her that in the movie he loses. He gets the shit beaten out of him but manages to remain conscious. That's the triumph. Mary slammed down the phone. I suspect the language she used afterwards was more colorful than "Oh, Mr. Levine."

That was a typical exchange. In looking back, Mary never should have done the show. We never should have done the show. We were in our mid 30’s. What the hell did we know about writing for a middle aged woman?

And when the great Dr. William H. Cosby Jr., Ed.D had his comeback vehicle and it bombed I wanted to cheer him up by sending him the Rocky theme.