The ArcLight & Landmark theaters: Cinephile paradise or giant ripoff?

Don’t know about where you live but here in El-Lay we now have state-of-the-art movie complexes. Reserved seating, plush leather seats, designer concessions, all kinds of amenities to make you forget you’re paying more than top dollar to see LIONS FOR LAMBS. Giant screens, stereo sound, THX. Everything a theatergoer could possibly want other than a rewrite. And before and after the film there are cafes, bars, a gift shop (LIONS FOR LAMBS action figures?), and even concierges. (“Excuse me, could you tell where I might rent a car during the show?”)

You’re not going to a movie, you’re having a complete “cinematic experience”.

The first one of these multi-screen modern movie palaces locally was the ArcLight in Hollywood. I’ve only been there once but it was quite lovely. Parking was confusing and expensive and getting to Hollywood is always an ordeal (and all the while you’re thinking to yourself “I must be passing six other theaters showing the same damn movie”) but the ArcLight doesn’t show commercials so it’s almost worth it.

However they do charge a pretty penny. From what I understand, beginning in December tickets will be $16. That’s right. One-six. For movies that will be on American Airlines in two months.

Slightly less expensive is the new challenger, the Landmark on the Westside. My wife and I went to see BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU’RE DEAD there this weekend and this was our experience.

Free parking in a well-lit structure underneath. So far so good.

Buying tickets is like checking into the Bellagio. A long counter manned by three high school honor students. And a long snaking line that moves like molasses because each person takes five minutes to process. You have to select your movie, the time, pick out your seat from the seating chart. If there’s an older couple that’s an hour right there. (“What about here?” “No, too close.” “What about here?” “Feh!” “Can we just go in and decide and then come back?”)

And then the credit card transaction, and God forbid someone has a pass and needs to fill out a form. Next time I order online, even if that takes ten minutes and by mistake I’ve rented a condo in Hilton Head.

Matinee tickets: $11. Not terrible when you consider how much money we drop at Starbucks.

There are many cheery ushers, ticket takers, and concession clerks in smart uniforms. It’s like the UP WITH PEOPLE group all got daytime jobs. The candy counter features tony yogurt, mushroom on wheat pizzas, kosher hot dogs, Japanese biscuit sticks, Australian chocolate biscuits, pretzel sticks with choice of raspberry wasabi, apricot ginger, or champagne garlic gourmet mustard. I had popcorn and a drink. $9.

There’s mood lighting in the restroom – why, I don’t know. Do randy couples slip out of movies and scamper to the bathrooms to join the “Ten Feet Above Sea Level Club”?

Skipped the bar and lounge, which seemed more suited to LAX than a multiplex.

Most of the theaters have stadium seating. You better sit in one of the top rows because the lower rows are underneath the screen. From the first row you can almost kick the screen. They’d have to sell Japanese biscuits laced with marijuana for me to sit in one of those seats.

And then there are the “living room seating” theaters. Leather loveseats instead of chairs. Lucky us, we had drawn one of those. But they’re not just loveseats for two. There are also loveseats for three. That’s what we got assigned to. Debby, and me…and some fat guy. We complained to our usher, (Kenneth from 30 ROCK) and after much hand wringing he moved us to a couch for two.

Kenneth told us the idea for this living room arrangement was (a) to cater to the young date night crowd (who goes out on dates of three?) and (b) to simulate your living room experience. This I don’t get. Why would I want to pay big bucks to approximate sitting in my own house watching a DVD I can rent for pennies? And I never have to move over to give the fat guy room.

The previews began and you couldn’t hear them. Someone complained and the volume was raised to the threshold of pain. After the previews the lights went down, the feature began, two seconds later the lights went back on and you could hardly see the screen. And to make matters worse, it was a sex scene. A naked Marissa Tomei and I couldn’t see shit! Movie night at camp had more reliable equipment than this! The screen went blank. The lights went down, the picture came back, the sound was too low and had to be adjusted, and finally, after Marissa had put her top back on, we were able to watch the movie.

I live in a town of luxury boxes, stadium clubs, VIP sections, exclusive clubs. Everyone has to be special, privileged, “on the list”. And they’re willing to way overpay to get it. I go to a movie theater to see a movie, not to hoist a few, not to Christmas shop, not to sample the great biscuits of the world.

I can’t imagine a movie coming out that I would be willing to spend $16 to see. Unless Marissa Tomei was in the loveseat with me. Of course, my wife would want to be there too. Hey, maybe couches for three isn’t such a bad idea.

"No one earns! As much as Burns!"

INT. MR. BURNS' OFFICE – DAY

SMITHERS ENTERS TO FIND MR. BURNS AT HIS DESK.

SMITHERS: You rang for me, sir?

BURNS: Smithers! What is that infernal racket outside?

SMITHERS: There’s a big rally. The writers are striking.

BURNS: Writers?! I have writers?

SMITHERS: Yes, sir. Remember you bought that network and studio so you’d get invited to David Geffen’s Passover Seder?

BURNS: I thought there’d be girls!

SMITHERS: I’m working on that Playboy Mansion invite but so far they’ll only let you go during the day.

BURNS: Drat! And now I’m stuck entertaining the worthless masses?

SMITHERS: If it’s any consolation, sir, no one is watching since you made Ann Coulter your nightly news anchor.

BURNS: Excellent. (THEN) Well, all this noise is distracting. I’m trying to do this morning’s “Tangle Towns”.

SMITHERS: They won’t be quiet, sir. I’ve asked.

BURNS: Then have them killed! I’m doing “Tangle Towns” for godsakes!

SMITHERS: Uh, we really can’t do that.

BURNS: I own nuclear power plants. Can’t we just respond with a small loaded missile?

SMITHERS: Unfortunately, sir, it would wipe out the entire population of the city.

BURNS: Still! It would send a message.

SMITHERS: We could perhaps negotiate with them?

BURNS: What?! When I could let them suffer, lose their saving and homes instead? What good is busting the anti-trust laws if I can’t squash the defenseless?

SMITHERS: Well, the strike will put a dent in the network and studio profits.

BURNS: Is Korea still buying my Plutonium?

SMITHERS: Yes.

BURNS: Then who cares if America doesn’t get its precious “TV shows”? It’s time someone invented some alternate form of entertainment whose patent we can steal anyway.

SMITHERS: We’re looking into the internet.

BURNS: The internet? Yes. I’ve heard good things. Can’t I just buy that?

SMITHERS: The internet is a worldwide system of computer networks that allows users to send and receive information from other computers. It’s interconnected around the globe.

BURNS: So you’re saying I have to wait three years.

SMITHERS: More like four but yes. It’s this internet that is the sticking point in this writers strike.

BURNS: They can’t have it! It’s mine!

SMITHERS: No, they don’t want it all, sir. Just a tiny piece. They believe that when they write something that we make huge profits from they deserve a small compensation.

BURNS: What?! Ridiculous!! This is the twisted handiwork of Homer Simpson, isn’t it? It’s just the sort of harebrained idea he would hatch. Imagine, writers thinking they have rights to their creation! Don’t we have individual nuclear missiles?

SMITHERS: No, sir.

BURNS: Well, what can we do to shut them up?!

SMITHERS: Nothing. They’re a feisty bunch. We’ve tried scare tactics, we’ve threatened to sue, gotten them to the negotiating table under false pretenses, used the media – which we own – to offer a distorted view to the public. And still they come, in seemingly larger numbers.

BURNS: Fine. Then hand me my airhorn.

SMITHERS DOES. BURNS GOES TO THE WINDOW. A LONG BEAT, THEN:

BURNS: Well open it you idiot.

SMITHERS: Sorry, sir.

SMITHERS OPENS THE WINDOW. BURNS TURNS ON THE AIRHORN, AND BEGINS ADDRESSING THE CROWD.

BURNS: Attention, writers. I will never give in. I don’t need you! Any of you! Do you understand! I don’t need writers! And I never will! Ever! Ever ever ever! (BEAT) Listen, while I have your attention – can anyone tell me a town in Wisconsin that has an ‘n’ an ‘m’ and five ‘o’s?

Day 5

What a huge turnout on Friday for the strike rally at Fox. I had to park in the next area code. Are there any major studios across the street from Dodger Stadium?
Everyone was there. Including my buddy, Paul Haggis.
Avenue of the Stars became Avenue of the Scribes and a few Stars for about an hour. I understand Radiohead or Rage Against the Machine or Ronny & the Daytonas did a set. I didn’t hear them. I also understand there were speeches. Didn’t hear a word. Every so often people would cheer and I would too. I’m sure if I had heard what was being said I would’ve been enthusiastically supportive.

We were hardly what you would call an unruly mob. CAA assistants circulated with trays of churros. You hear stories of how assistants in talent agency mailrooms are forced to do the most humiliating degrading things but serving churros to writers? Oh the horror! The humanity!
I said hi to at least twenty-five former colleagues who had no idea who I was.

My policy was to not show pictures with celebrities but damn, Sharon Lawrence looks absolutely incredible! A couple of cast members from RENO 911 were there…in costume.

A street musician was playing the sax on Pico Blvd. I gave him a dollar. My agency took a dime out of the cup.

As we all moved towards Pico to begin the picketing portion of the day it looked like the start of a marathon with the most out of shape runners in history.
The rah-rah guys were given a weapon more dangerous than guns – airhorns. They tried to lead us in some inspirational chants. Of course no one went along. However, when the police announced they were closing Pico Blvd. for us a huge spontaneous cheer of “LAPD! LAPD!” arose. These are the same people that 40 years ago were yelling “PIGS! PIGS!”

What we really should be chanting is “SHOWRUNNERS! SHOWRUNNERS!” Their courage in standing up to the networks and studios is nothing short of heroic.

Thanks to Howard Hoffman and Tom Straw for the photos.

Now I must get out of the way before I’m trampled by a news camera crew trying to get to Kelsey Grammer.

Tomorrow: My SIMPSONS parody on the strike.

The 12,000 man march on Pico

Pictured: Fearless leader Pat Verrone with Late Late Show writers: Joe Strazullo, David Harte, Verrone, Joe O’Brien, John Reynolds, and Tom Straw.

Friday the entire guild membership will converge on Fox (10201 Pico Blvd. in Century City) at 10 AM. Everyone is instructed to wear red. The hope is to attract a large non industry crowd by posing as a pep rally for the Los Angeles Angels.

Some of the major agencies have been providing food to the picketers. Large pizzas with one slice missing.

Michael Eisner has proclaimed our strike “stupid”. The former Disney Grand Poo Bah who hired and fired Michael Ovitz to the tune of $95 million says there’s no profits in online delivery systems. Meanwhile, he’s now head of a private investment firm that’s just launched an online video studio. Even Goofy and Dopey can see the irony here. Eisner is like the guy who kills his parents then asks for leniency because he’s an orphan.

From a fellow scribe: “I see where Hillary, Edwards and Obama have all come out with statements siding with the writers. Yet I haven't even seen one instance in which a Republican candidate has even been asked the QUESTION. Kind of perfect, really.”

Meanwhile, it only took Jesse Jackson three days to get his canned-ham-for-a-face in a picture on the strike line. Of course he showed up at 5:00 just as the march was ending. The man can find a photo-op like a pig can find truffles.

Thanks to Tom Straw for the photos.

The stars that REALLY support the strike will be the ones walking the line in a month. Sending gift baskets from the Grand Wailea on Maui doesn’t count.

There’s all this concern over whether the Oscarcast will be affected by the strike (and by concern I mean from idiots). Interestingly, no one is worried about the Golden Globes, which actually precede the Oscars. I believe the Oscarcast will not only air as planned but because ABC will be so desperate for original content by then, it will expand from three to fifteen hours. If your speech is too short music will come on prodding you to stay on the stage.

No one has handed a writer a script on line yet. But you know that’s coming. Some clown will ask Robert Towne to read their spec GIRLFRIENDS.

The Writers Strike website asked me the following question: A couple days of striking is fun. When does it start to hurt?

Answer: The picketing? Mile eight. Seriously, I worry that being asked to do too much picketing is going to burn the membership out. We need to be judicious after the first week in just how often and for what length of time we plan these demonstrations. Too much picketing can lower morale. Plus, it does no one any good to have five lonely protesters at Paramount for an afternoon and three more exhausted at the AstroBurger at Melrose & Gower. .

Producers would have you believe all writers make $200,000 a year. First of all, 5,000 of the 12,000 WGA members are not working at all. So their salary is considerably less. Secondly, the average writer makes $20,000 not $200,000. On the other hand, how much do all the non-writing producers and artist managers make? Y’know, the ones who attach themselves to projects like leeches. If their average salary is $400,000 it’s low.

Non writing producers will never strike because no one would ever know they’re gone. Production would increase, not decrease.

Meanwhile, our Governator, the former actor and ex-LABOR leader, has chosen to do nothing.

Can someone get out of jury duty by saying they have to picket?

Can someone get out of picketing by saying they have jury duty?

See you at Fox Friday at 10. I’ll be the one wearing red.

Strike report: Day Three

For a delightful change of pace I decided to picket at CBS Radford on Wednesday. This tradition-rich San Fernando Valley institution has produced thousands of TV series and Sonja Henie ice skating movies.

The streets inside the lot are named for various shows that filmed there. “Gunsmoke Street”, “Mary Tyler Moore Ave.”, etc. In the spirit of accuracy they should now rename those streets “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels Drive”, “Shaft Ave.”, “Other People’s Money Street”.

There were more bakery goods here than at 20th Century Fox. A number of writers were eating doughnuts while on line. Doesn’t that defeat the “exercise and cardiovascular” benefit of marching? Actor Gary Sinese made homemade cookies. They were delicious!

I walked behind a dog for about an hour. His last job was writing HERE’S BOOMER but God love him he was there supporting the new generation.

At least it was 75 degrees and sunny. Protesting writers in New York are freezing their asses off. How important are our east coast brothers and sisters? Look how much smarter Fred Thompson was when the LAW & ORDER writers were putting words in his mouth.

A woman was actually marching in stilettos. That's something you don't see at a Teamster's strike.

Every picture of the strikers I see in any publication includes at least one actor. It’s always a shot of Maura Tierney and John Stamos and a bunch of signs (us) behind them. But here’s the picture they should be using: A little boy of about six or seven was holding a placard that read, “KIDS FOR WRITERS”.

The BIG BROTHER house is also on the CBS Radford lot. I used to walk by their backyard fence, knowing they were cut off from the world and news and say “Oh shit! Did you hear? We just attacked Korea!!"

Lots of folks from SAG were on the line. They were the ones not eating doughnuts.

I overheard a couple of writers working on their screenplay story. I couldn’t really hear what it was but the dog did and gave me a look like, “Yeah, great. A buddy comedy/road picture -- DEAD”.

In a strike tactic I don’t quite understand, we marched clockwise for awhile then were told to start marching counterclockwise. Hey, anything to bring the producers to their knees.

A lot of motorists rolled down their windows and shouted out support… as they drove onto the lot.

Ellen DeGeneres told her television audience that she’s contractually obligated to continue doing her show. But she loves her writers and in support will discontinue her monologue. That’s great except…she CAN’T do her monologue without writers!! A few weeks ago she probably read a script that said, “Ellen cries”.

The big question early in the week was why would our negotiating committee give up DVDs? It made no sense. And then we learned the truth: the producers pulled the old Charlie Brown and the football, leading the WGA to believe if they gave up DVDs they'd offer some internet formula for residuals. And then did no such thing. AAGGGGHHH!!!

I didn’t see anyone with a megaphone trying to whip us into a frenzy. I guess they got wise. The only way to get this bunch to shout out protest chants is to hire the Laker Girls to lead them.

Of course, there's really no need for the rah-rah people. The producers themselves have managed to galvanize the union into such a state that to a man writers will fight this contract till the end of time.

Which starts tomorrow with Day Four.

The worst TV show ever

Back from another day of picketing. No TV cameras, no Jay Leno handing out Krispy Kremes. Just us “Schmucks with Underwoods” (although to be more accurate – “Schmucks with PowerBooks”.) Even if you’re not in the guild, feel free to join us on line. And if anyone asks what you’re working on just say a pilot for Faye Dunaway (frighteningly pictured).

Which brings me to another topic:

A question I was asked at my writing seminar was, "What do you think is the worst TV show ever?” Good question but tough to answer. No matter what I come up with I’m sure I’m overlooking even worse candidates. So please feel free to chime in with your suggestions. And if you nominate AfterMASH I won’t be offended.

Some of the turkeys I might consider are…

COP ROCK – Imagine the cops from THE SHIELD breaking into song.

VIVA LAUGHLIN – Imagine a parody of COP ROCK.

SATURDAY NIGHT WITH HOWARD COSELL – Howard Cosell hosted a variety show in 1975.

BLESS THIS HOUSE – a CBS sitcom starring Andrew Dice Clay as a dad. I would have given anything to see the test results on that pilot.

THE FAYE DUNAWAY SHOW – Maybe the scariest actress in Hollywood once starred in her own sitcom for CBS. “I’m ready for my four cameras, Mr. DeMille.”

PINK LADY AND JEFF – A variety show featuring comic Jeff Altman and a Japanese girl group who had trouble speaking English. People felt sorry for Jeff. I felt sorry for the writers. And NBC passed on our pilot to put this series on the air. Not that our pilot was great but you could understand every word.

PUBLIC MORALS – Since Steven Bochco couldn’t make a cop show/musical he tried a cop show/comedy. Lasted one week. First network show to use the word “pussy”. Those two last sentences are not unrelated.

WHO’S YOUR DADDY? -- Adopted kids have to guess their real fathers in this worst reality show ever until we see what great new fare the networks put on during the strike.

DAVID CASSIDY – MAN UNDERCOVER -- Teen heartthrob David Cassidy as a cop who goes undercover in a maximum security prison. And he manages to keep his pants on the entire series.

LIFE WITH LUCY – It worked when she was 40. It even worked when she was 50. But it didn’t work when she was 106. Lucille Ball in her last sitcom, still trying to be zany, but instead of laughing you were just praying she wouldn’t break a hip.

CELEBRITY BOXING – If only the celebrities were Andrew Dice Clay and Faye Dunaway and there were no referees…

MANIMAL – A crimefighter who could turn into any animal. Imagine being read your rights by a chicken.

SUPERTRAIN – A nuclear powered bullet train that was so big it had a shopping center and swimming pool on board. Could send a cow on the tracks flying eight miles into the air. Was supposed to be like LOVE BOAT. Was more like THE HINDERBURG.

Notes from the picket line

Back from the front lines at 20th Century Fox. Day One of David vs. Goliath-Warner-corps-com-inc-ney.

Good turnout and well organized. Picket signs aplenty, many new, bottled water, and even printed lyrics to custom protest chants.

Lots of cars and trucks honked in support. Even a cement mixer, whose driver probably has three upcoming pool constructions now in jeopardy.

Since it was the first day the media was there in full force. By tomorrow there will be nobody. It was fun watching these reporters scouring the writers looking for a familiar face – ANY familiar face. And then the scowls of disappointment when there was nobody “famous” enough for them. Sorry guys, Tina Fey is in New York.

Any writer who brought a kid got interviewed.

Camera crews filmed us all marching. If they use more than four seconds of it I will be floored.

Face it, we’re not a pretty union. We'll never be mistaken for SAG.

At one point I was walking with Jim Brooks and Allan Burns (two of my absolute IDOLS) and a reporter approached Jim (pictured left). Once she confirmed he was involved with THE SIMPSONS she asked this multi Oscar and Emmy winner “are you also a writer?”


Meanwhile, another SIMPSONS scribe, Mike Scully was marching… on crutches. There's got to be some WGA award he can win for that, right?

There was a union guy with a megaphone trying to rally the troops. We’re not used to that. He tried to lead us all in a rousing chant of “We are the writers, the mighty mighty writers!” and the only reaction he got was snickering. Note to anyone with a megaphone: We’re just not a real rah rah bunch.

It was fun to reconnect with friends I hadn't seen in awhile (i.e. the last strike).

You also see a lot of people on the line you haven’t seen in awhile and can’t remember who they are or how you know them. Overheard a LOT: “Hey, man/babe/dude/guy, how are ya? You’re looking great.”

Also overheard every six seconds: “What WERE you working on?”

Unfortunately, you also see every writer who ever fucked you over in your career, got the job you coveted, beat you in an arbitration, stole your girl, or beaned you in an industry softball game. And you pass by them again...and again...and again...and again...

Actor David Clennon was on the line marching. He’s not even in the WGA. Our sincere thanks to everyone not in the guild who is supporting our cause. Just ‘cause we’re the “mighty mighty writers” doesn’t mean we don’t really appreciate your help.

At 1:00 when the first shift was over I bet Junior's deli was PACKED. Not everyone will suffer from this strike.

I wrote an article for Sunday’s TORONTO STAR about the strike. Some of points I’ve mentioned already in my blog but if you’d like to see it translated into Canadian, this is the article.

See you tomorrow on Pico Blvd with my sign.

Honk if you love writers!

Sitcom Room 2

It's picture day. No time to write. Must grab my protest sign and re-enact the final scene from ON THE WATERFRONT.

Thanks to everyone who participated in this weekend's Sitcom Room 2 seminar. The scenes you guys wrote were great. Might as well join on us the picket line. You'll be in the guild soon enough.

Here are a few photos of the event:

Me, lecturing. I think this is the part where I told them I invented situation comedy.

Here are the Sitcommunists, captured in the one minute they enjoyed my lecture.

The actors who performed their scenes much better than they performed mine. Kimberly Wallis, Jeremy Licht, and Andy Goldberg. Kimberly was just on CSI: NEW YORK last week but you might not recognize her without a syringe sticking out of her neck.

The students were broken into four writing room teams. Here's one team getting studio "notes". See how thrilled they are. The note they've just been given is "Is there any way to write-in Renee Taylor?"

One of the groups hard at work. Could just as easily be a scene from Prison Break.

The seminar concluded with a panel of highly-respected-now-striking writers. Pictured: Fred Rubin, Marley Sims, Phoef Sutton, and me. Missing from the picture is my partner, David Isaacs. He's determined to be the "Maris" of my blog.

Again, thanks to all! For a first-person account of what the weekend was really like, participant Kari Geltmeyer files this in her blog.

Now I must put on my Norma Rae costume and storm the Fox lot.

On the eve of the strike

Hello from the fabulous Embassy Suites at LAX where my Sitcom Room 2 seminar is in full swing. As the students busily rewrite maybe the worst scene ever written (I wrote it) here are some personal observations on the eve of the WGA strike:

The fact that the producers had no desire to meet over the weekend to possibly reach an eleventh hour settlement is all you need to know about their sincere desire to settle this.

The last strike in ’88 was a killer. But there are some differences. Last time we went out in March, just as the TV season ended. That’s like the Major League baseball players association going out on strike in November. The only way studio and network executives would’ve seen our protest signs in ’88 is if we would have picketed the Four Seasons Maui.

Another difference: in the 80’s there were splinter groups of self serving writers who opposed the strike. Not this time. I have never seen the guild so unified, never seen the membership so strong in its resolve.

A number of non-guild members have asked what they can do? First off, thanks so much for your offer and support. I would say write editorials, blogs, letters-to-editors – anything to help educate the general public about what’s really going on here.

Gee, I hope Paul Haggis got his James Bond script in on time. And Paul, if you decide to join us in picketing you can’t park in your space on the lot.

Leave it to Hollywood. One of the big questions about the strike is what affect it will have on the Oscar telecast? Of course, this is the same industry that when President Reagan was shot, one of the trades had this headline: OSCARCAST POSTPONED. And then below in much smaller type: PRESIDENT SHOT.

The producers say we already receive royalties from DVD sales. There are no less than fifteen box sets of TV series with my scripts in them. I haven’t received a dime. I have gotten $0.19 from American Airlines for showing eight of my episodes on maybe 10,000 flights. If I save my AA royalties for 147 years I might be able to buy a snack box.

The studios could generate about $158 million from selling movies online and about $194 million from selling TV shows over the Web. So you can see why paying writers even a small royalty would financially destroy them.

And forget syndication. Networks aren’t even rerunning primetime hits. Writers could always count on a nice residual from a second network run but now popular shows like 24 and LOST go straight to the net and don’t even get a rerun.

Bottom line: a year from now the WGA, SAG, and DGA will have some deal in place, some participation formula that covers DVDs and internet delivery systems. Wouldn’t be easier for all concerned if they just negotiated something now? Why do we have to drag a dead horse across the finish line just to shoot it?

Savers

What a busy weekend. I'm conducting my second Sitcom Room seminar at the glorious Embassy Suites at LAX and preparing to strike. The object of the Sitcom Room is to give young writers the chance to really experience what's it like being in a writing room under actual rewrite night conditions. I plan on preparing them with vital survival secrets. Here's what you'd be learning if you were in the class:

To be a TV comedy writer you have to have thick skin. Generally you’re in a room with other comedy writers, all neurotics, competing against each other to get your ideas or jokes in the script. Eight puppies and one sock. Many times you’ll pitch a joke that doesn’t get a laugh or doesn’t get in. You’re out there with egg on your face. I find it’s best to develop a series of savers. As a public service, here are a few I use. (Note: if you find yourself using all of these in a five minute span consider other employment).
*******

Hey guys, don’t all hoist me on your shoulders at once!

Okay, but you’re denying America pleasure.

Oh God, it’s my prom night all over again.

If Jon Stewart pitched that you’d put it right in.

I hear laughter but I don’t see the pencil moving.

Okay, don’t see your kids tonight. Stay all night. I’m doing this for you. Some thanks I get.

Sure, it’s not funny when I say it. But when (actor) says it…

You’re only mad because you didn’t think of it first.

Nurse! They’re being mean to me again!

The laugh machine will LOVE it.

I bet at COLD CASE they’d be hysterical.

Fine. I wasn’t meant to be appreciated in my time.

I don’t feel the love, you assholes.

You try being funny when you’re having a stroke.

See it typed. You’ll think differently.

Okay, what if they said it in a funny accent?

I’m sorry. Are there no more seats at the Algonquin Round Table?

So you’re saying perfection isn’t good enough?

Hey, you hired me!

(In Forghorn Leghorn voice) I say, I say, I keep pitchin’ ‘em, boy, and you keep missin’ ‘em.

Jesus, people, doesn’t ANYTHING make you laugh?

You all remember. I used to be funny, right?

And of course, the ultimate saver and perennial crowd pleaser – Go fuck yourself.

Blogging during the strike

The WGA contract negotiations/strike/ramifications/scuttlebutt will be featured here as events dictate but I also plan to continue posting my usual variety of nonsense, snarky rants, and self indulgent anecdotes. I feel I have that obligation to you, my dear audience.

Thank you.

Negative buzz on the BEE MOVIE

Okay. I get it! The fucking BEE MOVIE is opening. I can’t remember a movie more heavily promoted and as a result a movie I want to see less.

I mean, I’m used to the typical media barrage before a studio picture opens. The self-serving star interviews. Hard hitting entertainment reporter Sam Rubin fawning all over Jodie Foster trying to sell her cry vengeance movie as social commentary or Milla Jovovich describing how RESIDENT EVIL: EXTINCTION is really just a thoughtful film about women’s empowerment.

I’m used to studio hype machines using ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT and HOLLYWOOD ACCESS as the tools they are. When ET leads off during the recent LA wildfires that displaced a half a million people with this headline: STARS HOMES THREATENED!!! you know you’re watching the show biz equivalent of the Mustang Ranch.

The obligatory “making of” documentary is a staple of a film’s rollout but unless you have HBO and your remote doesn’t work you never have to see them.

And tie-ins with fast food chains are now commonplace. SAW IV action figures at Del Taco, that sort of cross-promotion.

But nothing prepared me for the onslaught of hype for BEE MOVIE. Talk about using napalm to kill a moth. STOP ALREADY!! I KNOW it’s opening this Friday! I KNOW Jerry Seinfeld is in it! I KNOW it’s a hilarious comedy the entire family will enjoy. Please let me pick up a magazine and not see Jerry’s smug face. If the condition of his guesting on 30 ROCK is two shameless plugs then don’t do me any favors. I’d rather see Tina Fey filling the screen time anyway.

Even Jerry’s HP commercial was laced with BEE MOVIE mentions. Would he do a Flomax spot too if they let him slip in a plug? “If it weren’t for Flomax you’d be pissing in your pants when you see BEE MOVIE!”

And the irony of all this is that Jerry takes the stance (in every article in every publication including, I imagine, MODERN BRIDE and MERCENARY LIFE) that he doesn’t have to work. And yet he’s promoting this movie so relentlessly you’d think he’ll be forced to clean Faye Dunaway’s toilets if it doesn’t open.

BEE MOVIE might be terrific. But at some point there’s a backlash from over-promotion. In this case that came on Labor Day.

My biggest fear isn’t that the movie doesn’t live up to all the hype (how could it?), it’s that it does do well and there’s a BEE MOVIE 2. I might have to leave the country.

The WGA strike

I imagine every writer who has a blog is offering his/her thoughts on the pending WGA strike today. Here, in no particular order, are mine.

And yes, I will continue to blog if there is a strike.

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Make no mistake about it – industry strikes only occur when management forces the issue. ALWAYS. Every time. No exceptions. Who do you think can hold out longer? The story editor of KIM POSSIBLE with two kids in private school or Sumner Redstone? So who do you think has more to gain by playing hardball?

What’s scary is this: in the old days, one of the unions would strike, it would last for a few months and Lew Wasserman of Universal would say, “Okay, this has gone on long enough.” and it would be over. This year there is no Lew Wasserman. There is not even Universal as we knew it.

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Some network officials are saying that since this season is already a bust with no breakout hits (and whose fault is that I ask those same network visionaries who programmed CAVEMEN, VIVA LAUGHLIN, and NASHVILLE?) a strike would be welcomed. They could cut losses from runaway production. That’s fine except that after the last strike in 1988 the combined network share dropped 10% and has continued to fall ever since. The industry suffered a half-billion dollars in lost revenue, and MOONLIGHTING ratings never recovered. Can the AMPTP really afford another big strike?

It’s like if you’re a restaurant that’s struggling is it a good idea to close on weekends?

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How’s this for an idiotic remark? In a recent article in the LA TIMES, TV writer Robert Eisele suggested that in light of the strike if writers “can afford a Bentley, get a Mercedes.” Yeah, that helps the WGA’s image. We’re all driving Bentleys. Newsflash: NO writer I know drives a Bentley. And none will until they start putting Prius engines in the damn things! Oh...and we don’t light our cigars with hundred dollar bills either.

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This acrimony between writers and management has been going on since the 1930s when scribes first rose up and had the audacity to…well, ask for things. Warner Brother czar Jack Warner warned that any writer who joined the union would “find themselves out of work forever”. And he claimed this wasn’t blacklisting because “it would all be done over the telephone”. Darryl Zanuck of 20th Century Fox once said, “Throw that writer off the lot until I need him again!” Critic David Thomson says Hollywood writers are like divorce lawyers or private eyes. When you want them you have to have them, but later you despise them.

Is there any wonder we “Schmucks with Underwoods” have an inferiority complex and assume a defensive posture? We spend our entire careers trying to protect our work against studios, directors, actors, fellow writers, research gurus, networks, and girlfriends of the all of the above.

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Networks claim that streaming shows on the internet and making them available for ipods is merely for “promotional purposes only”. If that’s true, why do they CHARGE for them on itunes? And even if they didn’t, by making shows available on the internet they reduce their value for reruns and syndication.

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Nice timing of NBC Universal and News Corp to begin testing their joint venture – a video site focused solely on TV and film content – three days before the WGA contract was up.

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And is it just me, or don’t writers who feverishly try to finish and turn in their drafts right before the deadline undermine the WGA’s cause? If Paul Haggis DIDN’T turn in the latest installment of the James Bond series, the studio might have a tad more incentive to make a deal, don’tcha think??

Meanwhile, other writers turned in multiple variations of scripts so the studios would have flexibility filming them. That to me is unconscionable. These are the screenwriters who stand to benefit from DVD and other delivery system royalties. All the rest of us are giving up work to fight for them and they turn in multiple drafts to accommodate the studios?? No wonder the producers think we’re idiots.

And thank you to actors like Vince Vaughn, who since he isn’t in the WGA, finds nothing morally wrong with agreeing to polish scripts during a strike. The fact that we go out on strike to craft a deal that will be the template for the SAG deal so HE won’t have to go out on strike apparently means nothing to him.

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Without credit arbitration (won by the union in a hard fought battle) Jeffrey Katzenberg and Brad Grey might each have four Oscars for co-writing screenplays.

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I will never make another joke about the Teamsters. I love those guys!!! If the Teamsters refuse to cross the picket lines this could be a much shorter strike than management expected.

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I know WGA President Patrick Verrone. Worked with him on a project. Being in a writers room with someone on a show with problems is how you can really learn about a person. Pat is talented, reasonable, dedicated, and cool under pressure. He is far from the John Wayne his detractors claim him to be. We need to give him our support and we need to remain unified and strong.

I’ve been through three strikes already. Many of the companies I struck are no longer in business. Two-thirds of the people I struck with are no longer in the guild. And unlike actors and directors, when we go out it doesn’t just shut down the industry. It slows it. Hair restoration crèmes have faster results. But as someone who has prospered and enjoyed the gains writers before me have won, I feel it’s my obligation to fight the good fight for the next generation. And hopefully in twenty years, when the issue is holograms transmitted directly to the back of viewers’ eye lids, WGA members will hang tough for a piece of that pie.

We’re just looking for our fair share. MyPiece not MySpace. iShare not iTunes. NetWorth not NetFlix.

Happy Halloween

This has always been one of my favorite holidays, especially when the kids were little. Taking them trick-or-treating and seeing them so excited and happy was one of the true joys of parenthood. And then eating the candy they collected was fun too. Of course there’s always that one eccentric house. We had a dentist who gave out toothbrushes. Thank goodness he wasn’t a proctologist.

And where I live, near UCLA, there was always a second wave of trick-or-treaters. Later, after the kids had turned in for the night, sorority girls in yummy costumes would ring the bell. I’d be holding the candy bowl for them in one hand and my Emmy in the other.

During Matt & Annie’s elementary school years there was also the annual Halloween carnival. This was a public school catering to the local neighborhood but we were hardly a typical neighborhood. One year I volunteered by making snow cones and Hugh Hefner and his six bimbos strolled up to my cart. He had a kid in the school. A noted soft-porn actress whose children attended the school offered this for the silent auction: A two hour nude session where you could photograph or paint her. The principal graciously declined that offer but I bet it would have brought in a lot more money than the autographed WINGS script I donated.

For the school’s “Haunted House” Gene Simmons participated. He would pop up and stick out that four-foot tongue. One mother was so freaked she literally sued the school.

Ah, good times.

One thing I learned though, Halloween is an OUTDOOR holiday.

My son’s birthday is November 2nd. (Happy upcoming birthday, Matt!). When he turned five Halloween night fell on a Saturday. So for his party we invited a bunch of his friends to the house where I would take them all out trick-or-treating and then they’d come back for pizza and cake. 5-7 PM. No muss. No fuss. Great plan.

Except it rained. No, it POURED.

First off, as parents deposited their kids they asked if we’d take siblings since they couldn’t take them trick-or-treating in the rain. Of course we said yes, and so at 5:00 I had forty screaming crazed children running around my house – chasing each other with hatchets, and fairy wands, and Star Wars phasers. After relentlessly trying to wrangle this supercharged mob I finally sat down on the stairs and took a breath. I was so proud of myself. I had gotten through it. It’s almost 7. Then I checked my watch. 5:20.

If you have little kids enjoy these precious Halloweens. Soon enough they’ll outgrow you, want to be with their friends instead, and trade phasers for tequila shooters. At least I still have my memories… and the sorority girls keep coming around.

One last Halloween note: I’ve always found it odd that Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t believe in this holiday so they stay home…on the only night of the year when people would actually open their doors to them.

Happy Halloween.

Boo!

The CHEERS script that could have ruined us

With another Writers Guild strike looming, I thought I would add one more day to my Sitcom Room seminar next weekend. I’d give all the participants signs and have them march around the hotel.

One byproduct of a writers strike is that studios may shoot existing scripts but may not change them. So jokes can’t be fixed, lines can’t be tailored to actors, locations can’t be changed (too bad if an exterior gets rained out – you can’t move inside to a new location), and special effects have to be executed just as described (whether they’re possible or not).

In 1985 there was also the possibility of a work stoppage. Back then our contract ran out March 1st, which was idiotic. We’d strike right as the TV season ended. So we’d be out for four months before the producers even knew it. All signs pointed to a peaceful resolution so life went on as planned. NBC asked for a last minute additional episode of CHEERS and David Isaacs and I were asked to write it. There was a big time crunch, the show needed to start filming the following week, so we had three days to write the script. The idea was we’d bang out a draft, turn it in on Friday, we’d all polish it on Monday and Tuesday, and on Wednesday it went into production.

We turned in the script on Friday afternoon and on Saturday negotiations blew apart. An immediate strike was announced.

So now they had to film our very first draft, as is, no changes. This was the first BAR WARS episode. Needless to say, show night was one of the most terrifying nights of my life. I thought, “this is where we’re discovered as frauds”. Amazingly, the show played well. Not as well as it could have, don’t get me wrong. There were plenty of places where jokes could be improved and turns could be better finessed. But on the whole the show worked and there was no noticeable drop in quality.

I’m sure several writers find themselves in that spot today. The lesson here is that even if you’re only given three days to write a whole script, don’t just knock it out. Give it your best, treat it with the same care and hold it to the same standards you would anything bearing your name. Because you never know.

And the good news is, for maybe the only time in your career, the actors will HAVE TO say your words, as written. It’s almost worth taking the assignment just for that.

The Denver Boot

Congratulations to the Boston Red Sox who won the World Championship by beating the Cleveland Indians and then had to fulfill their obligation to Major League Baseball by playing a National League team.

For the Colorado Rockies the fairy tale ended the way INTO THE WOODS did. But kudos for a great year. And they play the Dodgers 19 times next year so they have a good chance of repeating.

At least with a sweep we are no longer subjected to Tim McCarver. Was there even one sentence he didn’t begin with “We talked about this, Joe…”? Thank God for radio and Jon Miller.

With all the cameras Fox had capturing the reactions of every person imaginable, I’m only sorry they didn’t have a camera in Johnny Damon’s house.

I did enjoy the close-up of Red Sox co-owner Tom Werner yawning with two outs in the ninth – thus expressing the sentiments of most of the nation. It was the best owner shot since Jane Fonda was caught sleeping during a Braves playoff game.

Will World Series MVP Mike Lowell be replaced next season by A-Rod?

Nice classless touch of his uber agent Scott Boras to announce that he was opting out of his contract with the Yankees during the game. Reason given: Rodriguez was concerned over all the instability of the Yankees’ situation. REAL reason: Boras has another team already lined up – not that that’s kosher – not that he cares.

Alex Rodriguez will play for any manager and with any teammates if they pay him the most money. He’ll grow a beard and join the House of David if they come up with $240 million.

By the time catcher Jason Varitek leaped into pitcher Jonathan Papelbon’s arms the MLB.COM website was already offering Red Sox World Series championship merchandise. Get yer Manny do-rags in four decorative colors!

For the Red Sox it must be tough playing on the road to only 20,000 of their fans instead of the 37,000 who sell out Fenway every home game. And not being allowed to use a Designated Hitter in Colorado, Boston got a two RBI single from a pitcher and a pinch-hit home run from a utility fielder.

A year ago Jon Lester was undergoing chemotherapy. On Sunday night he won the clinching game of the World Series. How many producers do you think are standing in line to get the rights to his story?

Will Jonathan Papelbon show up this February sweeps on DANCING WITH THE STARS?

For the $103 million it cost Boston for Dice-K, it was Hideki Okajima who really shined.

Only seven of the players from the 2004 championship team were on this squad. Notably missing during the on-field celebration were Johnny Damon, Derek Lowe, Bronson Arroyo, Drew Barrymore.

Remember when the World Series was exciting? Remember when both teams were tough and equally matched and not just a juggernaut vs. schmuck bait? The last Game 7 in a World Series: 2002. And at the time THAT was the lowest rated WS. God knows what the numbers will be for this year’s fall classic. It may become the VIVA LAUGHLIN of premium sporting events.

Again, congratulations to the Boston Red Sox. The best team swept.

For more Red Sox observations and gloating please visit my son's highly entertaining Sox blog, Dirty Watah.

When do pitchers and catchers report? I already miss baseball.

Never think you're great

Glowing reviews are lovely but you have to take them in stride. The minute you start BELIEVING them you're cooked. Because as someone once said, "There are always Romanian judges".

David Isaacs and I wrote the screenplay for VOLUNTEERS (probably playing right now on Spike or the Food Network) and got our first taste of high profile movie reviews. To give you an example of why you can't take them too seriously, here are two reviews from presumably the same movie.

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From the New York Times

By WALTER GOODMAN
Published: August 16, 1985

Take a healthy helping of ''Raiders of the Lost Ark,'' a dollop of ''The Bridge on the River Kwai,'' a dash of any Tarzan movie, a soupcon of ''Casablanca,'' a whiff of ''The Wizard of Oz'' and a stunt or two from a favorite Saturday serial, stir frenetically, and if you're lucky enough to have snappy dialogue by Ken Levine and David Isaacs, you may end up with as funny a movie as ''Volunteers.''

….There are lots of snappy exchanges. ''I thought you wanted to be my friend,'' Beth admonishes when Lawrence makes a pass. He replies, ''This is what I do with my friends.'' In refusing to pay his son's debts, Lawrence's father (George Plimpton) assures him that some day he will thank Dad for the gift of self-reliance and for the opportunity to learn to use a walker. It is a particular pleasure to report that although Lawrence naturally falls in love with Beth and goes through plenty of trouble to save her from being turned into a drug fiend, she does not make a better man of him.

Although the movie, which opens today at the United Artists Twin and other theaters, begins with film clips of icons of the early 1960's - John F. Kennedy, Pope John XXIII, Marilyn Monroe, Ed Sullivan - the spirit is very much of the 80's. But a little melancholy may blend with the laughter ''Volunteers'' draws at the expense of those earnest days when a President was urging people to ask what they could do for their country.

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On the other hand….from VARIETY

By VARIETY STAFF

Volunteers is a very broad and mostly flat comedy [from a story by Keith Critchlow] about hijinx in the Peace Corps, circa 1962. Toplined Tom Hanks gets in a few good zingers as an upperclass snob doing time in Thailand, but promising premise and opening shortly descend into unduly protracted tedium.

Hanks plays Lawrence Bourne 3d, an arrogant, snide rich boy from Yale who trades places with an earnest Peace Corps designate when his gambling debts land him in danger at home. Once ensconced in a remote village, contentious couple Hanks and cohort Rita Wilson and ultra do-gooder John Candy set out to build a bridge across a river. Kidnapped and brainwashed by the commies, the gung-ho Candy disappears for a long stretch.

With Candy absent most of the time, Hanks' one-note, if sometimes clever, attitudinizing wears out its welcome after a while. He also is deprived of anyone effective to play off.

Lensed in Mexico, pic features a muddy, truly ugly look. Also present is the most offensively blatant plug for Coca-Cola yet seen in the new era of Coke-owned entertainment companies.

Mary Tyler Moore Show spoof

Here's a great parody of the MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW from SNL in the 80's. The guy doing Lou Grant is not as good as the others but the rest of the cast is dead on.

The greatest 4 second hits

Everyone listens to the radio. Do you ever pay attention to the station jingles? Probably not. But in many cases they're the signature of the station and hearing them again jogs distant memories. For fun I've put together a montage of radio station jingles from the 60s-today (but mostly it's the older stuff). So hop in the Way Back Machine and relive some of your favorite 5 second songs.

Click To Play

No more hour episodes of THE OFFICE! Please!

Half hour shows are supposed to be… a half hour. Twice as long does not make it twice as good. It makes it a quarter more bad. THE OFFICE has been airing hour episodes and if you ask me it’s killing the show. THE OFFICE is normally a snappy show with a lot going on. These hour stanzas have been bloated and uneven. I’m sure it was the network’s idea to do it. Rarely do producers plead to do double the work.

I’ve written hour episodes (or two-parters) for MASH, CHEERS, and FRASIER. And here’s what I’ve learned: They turn out to be 45 minutes worth of story and fifteen minutes of filler. The stories are generally too long to tell in a half hour, not long enough to sustain a full hour.

The “Goodbye Radar” episode could have easily been a half hour. But CBS wanted to make a big “Sweeps” event out of it so we had to concoct this whole generator-going-out business, which did nothing to improve the show.

Often times episodes don’t start out as hours (or two-parters) but the first drafts come in so overloaded with story that you decide to expand them. And then you find it doesn’t expand enough. So you toss in a B-story and just keep going.

Sitcoms have their own rhythm and method of storytelling. Again, to use MASH as an example, we would normally tell two or three stories and pack each scene with as many jokes and quips as we could – to the point where we would often think it’s silly. Radar would enter the Swamp and Hawkeye would have to have a smart remark. I used to say, “What if, just once, and I know this is daring, he just said HELLO?! Y’know, like a normal human being?!” We got away with it in the half hour format but when we stretched the show to an hour the stylistic seams really started showing, and it felt like overkill.

But at the end of the day, these are writing issues and if you expressed them to the network they would laugh. Longer episodes mean more commercial time to sell, something special to promote, and one less half hour of a show that isn’t as popular. And for your series finale they want two hours. They just never realize that by forcing you to do hours along the way they hasten that finale by two or three years.