Fall Movie Preview - Part two

Here's the concluding half of my annual Fall Movie Preview. Part one was yesterday.

LOVE AND OTHER DRUGS –Anne Hathaway and Jake Gyllenhaal. Jake plays a Viagra salesman. If the movie lasts longer than four hours consult your physician.

RED – Adapted from a graphic novel. League of Justice with AARP members. Helen Mirren as an action hero? This I gotta see. Boxoffice prospects dim since every paying customer is getting the senior discount.

SECRETARIAT – Triple Crown thoroughbred of the 70s. Stars Diane Lane. She played against Richard Gere, she can easily play against a horse.

JACKASS 3D – It's like they're throwing the darts in your face! The best movie ever!!

THE KING’S SPEECH – If the buzz is right Colin Firth will win Best Actor this Oscar season. He’s even better in this than his second sex tape.

NOWHERE BOY – Story of John Lennon in the 50s. He deals with his dysfunctional mother. It might explain Yoko Ono.

MORNING GLORY – Diane Keaton and Harrison Ford as morning news anchors who hate each other. This tired premise has been around since Keaton and Ford were ingénues – so at least a hundred years. The 8 PM showing will have five people in the theater. The 11 AM showing will be packed.

MEGAMIND – Superhero animated movie with the voices of Will Ferrell and Tina Fey. Megamind looks like a blue Bruce Willis with a swelled head (which was his head until HUDSON HAWK).

TRON: LEGACY -- the second sequel to TRON. The first was the Aha music video.

DUE DATE – Zach Galifianakis and Robert Downey Jr. in a buddy road trip comedy. Before you gag, just know it was directed by Todd Phillips (THE HANGOVER). Then gag.

HEREAFTER – Chick flick directed by Clint Eastwood. Matt Damon is a psychic who can communicate with the dead. You can see why women would be attracted to this subject matter.

TANGLED – Disney 3D CG-animated version of Rapunzel. Can’t be better than the Fractured Fairy Tales version on the Bullwinkle Show.

THE NEXT THREE DAYS – Russell Crowe plans a prison escape for his wife, played by Elizabeth Banks. Isn’t it always the way? Hubby just wants to kick back and watch the game but no, wifey has a to-do list.

NEVER LET GO – Carey Mulligan and Keira Knightley. A sci-fi human drama. I don’t know what will scare off the Comic-con crowd more – human drama or two pretty girls.

FASTER – The Rock has decided to relinquish his title of King of Screen Comedies to return to the action genre. This leaves a huge void. Even fake vomit doesn't seem so funny anymore.

FAIR GAME – Naomi Watts as a CIA agent blows the whistle on Bush’s “weapons of mass destruction” lie. I know it’s taking creative license but to me the satisfying ending of this movie would be Bush getting impeached.

UNSTOPPABLE – Denzel Washington as a crazed villain who rigs a runaway train with toxic chemicals and points it at a big city. Yawn. 24 only did this eight times.

HOW DO YOU KNOW – James L. Brooks’ romantic comedy starring Reese Witherspoon, Paul Rudd, and Jack Nicholson. Two people have a blind date on the worst day of their lives. When he’s on his game no one is better than Brooks. Please let this be another BROADCAST NEWS and not SPANGLISH.

TRUE GRIT – On first glance, just a remake of the John Wayne film. But the Coen Brothers are doing it. Stars Jeff Bridges. The Dude becomes the Duke.

THE TEMPEST – Helen Mirren stars in this classic Shakespeare play. William Shakespeare gets sole screenplay credit. The Bard doesn’t have to share it with Babaloo Mandell.

LITTLE FOCKERS – Second sequel to MEET THE PARENTS. If the trailer is any indication, this could be the worst movie of the year. Maybe ten.

SOMEWHERE – Sofia Coppola returns to the only thing she can do well, a LOST IN TRANSLATION clone. Original title was TRANSLATION AND MISDEMEANORS.

COUNTRY STRONG – Gwyneth Paltrow takes time out from instructing people on how to give enemas to play a washed-up country singer. Hey, it worked for Jeff Bridges.

CONVICTION – Hilary Swank in the true-life story of Betty Ann Walters. What more do you need to know?

BLACK SWAN – A psychological thriller set in the rough world of the ballet.

Fall Movie Preview - Part one

Before you go to the neighborhood Cineplex or even waste your time watching trailers on line, here is my annual comprehensive Fall Movie Preview. The only thing I haven't done is seen any of these movies.

HARRY POTTER (AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS – PART 1) This long running franchise will soon be coming to an end since Daniel Radcliffe who plays Harry could soon play Dumbledore.

WALL STREET: MONEY NEVER SLEEPS – Director Oliver Stone said, “The fact that the financial crisis happened helped get this movie made”. So feel good about losing your life savings. Hollywood benefits!

127 HOURS – Directed by Danny Boyle so I’m seeing it even though it’s about a mountain climber who cuts off his own arm to free himself from a boulder. Then Richard Kimble tries to find him because he saw him kill his wife but no one believes him and… oh wait, that’s THE FUGITIVE.

BURLESQUE – Cher owns a burlesque club. “La Cage aux Facelift”.

THE TOWN – Ben Affleck stars and directs this Boston thriller. GOOD WILL HUNTING with guns and scary masks.

YOU AGAIN – High school rivals, both mothers and daughters reunite for formula studio mayhem. Betty White took time out from being in everything else to be in this.

EASY A – Teen comedy with snappy dialogue. Getting good buzz. MEAN GIRLS meets JUNO.

THE SOCIAL NETWORK – Even snappier dialogue because Aaron Sorkin wrote the screenplay. It’s the story of Facebook. Who invented it, the lawsuits. I hope it also explains how I can block people from sending me invitations. And then have them killed.

YOU’LL MEET A TALL DARK STRANGER – Woody Allen’s 746th attempt at the same movie. He's truly become the Octomom of Cinema.

WAITING FOR SUPERMAN – Documentary on public education. The Comic-con crowd is going to be really pissed about ten minutes into this movie, especially after spending allowance they could have used for Transformer accessories.

GULLIVER’S TRAVELS – The Jonathan Swift classic set in contemporary times with Jack Black. The Lilliputians aren’t terrified that they encounter a giant. It’s that it’s Jack Black.

RESIDENT EVIL: AFTERLIFE – If 3D makes people more lifelike, does it make zombies more lifeless? That’s what we’ll find out when Milla Jovovich wrassels ‘em.

LIFE AS WE KNOW IT – Hi-concept formula romcom starring formula actress Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel. They hate each other. But have to raise a baby together. What do you think happens? Did you say an hour of poopy jokes and then they fall in love? You’ve just saved yourself twelve dollars.

LET ME IN – Remake of Swedish cult vampire hit. Fans are outraged. Without the Volvos, what’s the point?

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 2 – Anticipating this might become a franchise the studio early on wisely signed all the ghosts to three sequels.

THE COMPANY MEN – Ben Affleck as workaholic who gets fired and must work for less pay. The heartbreak of financial ruin directed by billionaire John Wells.

The Fall Movie Preview concludes tomorrow.

The sitcom Pepsi Challenge

This is something new – a cross-blog debate. Answering a Friday question once I mentioned that single-camera sitcoms seemed to move quicker than multi-camera shows. Earl Pomerantz, in his excellent blog, disagrees. Here’s his full article, well worth reading.

I agree with just about every point Earl makes except the conclusion.

Here’s what Earl said:

When I watch The Office, or Community, or 30 Rock, or Modern Family, I find myself invariably glancing at the clock, amazed at how much time there is still left in the show. To me, these shows are excruciatingly slow.

On the other hand, a well-crafted multi-camera show, skillfully blending story and jokes, seemed to be over before I knew it. I’m speaking of the old multi-camera series, grounded in story and character, not today’s versions, which eschew story and rely almost entirely on jokes.

I completely agree that better story telling will make for a better more compelling show. Earl goes on in another post to cite a great example, a multi-camera episode he wrote for THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW. Not just great. Award winning great.

But it’s an unfair comparison. I don’t think you can pit a classic multi-camera episode up against a COMMUNITY. Different styles, different eras, catering to different audiences.

For a more accurate test, what if the opponent was an equally classic episode of MASH? (By classic I mean Larry Gelbart, not us.)

But having written MASH I can tell you, we packed as much into each episode as was humanly possible. That was the format established by Larry and Gene Reynolds. We had from two to four plots going in each episode. The dialogue was a stylized banter that when it worked was just crackling. We strove to get emotion, drama, comedy, silliness, pathos, scope – anything we could find – into the show.

Which show would you prefer if you took the Pepsi Challenge of quality? That depends on personal taste. To me, THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW was the pinnacle of comedy writing. To write one was my ultimate goal. But I know writers of THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW who felt the same about MASH. Still, I feel it’s fair to say MASH moved quicker.

My partner David teaches sitcom writing at USC. He was surprised to learn in one of his classes that many of the young students had never seen CHEERS. So he assigned the class the first season to watch. (I contend the first season was the best). A lot of the students were not overly impressed with it. Why? It moved too slowly.

I think Earl and I would agree that too much importance is placed on pace today. The audience is used to it, they have unlimited other choices, and in general we’ve become a society that can no longer tolerate being bored even for a minute. Where as story telling used to be the master we served, now it’s speed. So showrunners will employ visual techniques, rapid-fire scenes, and a barrage of jokes. Sometimes it’s at the expense of story, character, or genuine emotion.

But it doesn’t have to be. Again, personal taste but I think MODERN FAMILY does a great job of mounting a zippy show with a lot of humor and depth.

Now, let me pose another question. Can a show be too fast-paced for its own good? I mean, that’s where we’re heading, right? My answer is yes. ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT jammed so much into each half-hour that I think it wore out a good portion of the audience. The material itself was hilarious and sometimes inspired but it was just so dense. Audiences need to catch their breath. So I caution show creators: speed can kill.

Who knows? Someone may come along with a sitcom that goes back to the pace of THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW and viewers hail it as “groundbreaking”, “daring”, “unprecedented”. And the number of cameras won’t matter.

What do you guys think?

Equal time: What actors hate

Last week I talked about writer pet peeves when it comes to getting notes, focusing in one section on bad actor behavior. Well today, in the spirit of fairness, here are some things actors hate. Writers take note.

Actors hate having to give exposition. It’s dry, it’s informational, it’s not fun. Unfortunately, SOMEONE has deliver the exposition. The trick is to spread it around, find ways to hide it, and make it entertaining. Necessary information woven into a joke is a great solution. Exposition itself is a great topic for a later post.

Actors don’t like just asking questions in a scene. They didn’t spend four years finding their “inner center”, “emotional truth triggers” and portraying ice cream cones just to ask questions. But sometimes there is a great temptation to do that. Actor “A” knows all this information, Actor “B” needs to know it. In real life, it’s a simple conversation of Q&A. Not in actor-life. Massage the scene so that Actor “B” has some jokes or comments, or Actor “A” shares information without being prompted.

Similarly, actors don’t like just doing set-ups for other actors’ jokes. Bud Abbott is dead. Spread around the wealth. The tough thing here is knowing Actor “A” is funny and Actor “B” is a lox. Still, you have to throw him a bone or two. Or work in some jokes in the set ups themselves. Or re-cast.

Here’s a common rookie mistake: Having an actor in a scene and not giving him a line for a page or two…or four. If he’s in the scene he needs to have a purpose and needs to be a participant. If he has no purpose, find a way to get his ass out of there. You’d think actors want as much screen time as possible but they would MUCH rather be out of a scene than be a piece of furniture in it.

Here’s a biggie: parentheticals – those little bracketed indicators that suggest the intent of the line. Most actors are irritated, even offended by them. They feel it’s their job to discover the intent. And they like the freedom to interpret the lines as they choose. That’s fine to a point. I still use this device, albeit sparingly (same with underlining specific words I want stressed) because first and foremost I want my scene to be interpreted correctly. But like I said, I am very judicious. I never indicate (angry), (sad), or (jaundiced but insouciant).

That said, you’re probably writing your script to be READ not PERFORMED (actors hate capitol letters too.) So in the interest of having a reader better understand your script and maybe buying it, you can sprinkle in a few more parentheticals. (warning) But don’t go crazy.

Actors balk at thankless roles. The best friend, the harpy-wet blanket, the “Ralph Bellamy” boring third guy in a triangle soon to be dumped (Ralph Bellamy played this role in HIS GIRL FRIDAY and 297 other movies), and any role played by Emily Mortimer. Find a way to make these characters interesting, complex, or maybe let Ralph Bellamy get the girl.

Long speeches: Actors like ‘em and hate ‘em. They like having a big juicy emotional speech and they hate having to memorize them. Forget that human beings don’t normally speak in long speeches, if you want to give a character a big speech, fine. Don’t give him six. And give him spots to breathe.

Actors protect their characters, as well they should. Writers sometimes have the tendency to sacrifice their characters’ integrity for the sake of a big joke. I gotta side with actors on this one. Once you’ve sacrificed a character you can’t go back. Find another joke.

And finally, most actors don’t want to be seen in an unflattering light. They may voice their objections in gobs of Byzantine actor-speech, but trust me, the real issue is they don’t want to look weak, or mean, or playing the girlfriend of the Elephant Man. They can have flaws but within reason. What you need to do here is either give the characters interesting shadings, multi-dimensions (not always weak, not always giving dogs caramels to eat) or make the parts so meaty that actors suddenly would kill to play them. Villains, in particular, can be delicious, despite how hateful and cruel they are. Is there a more fun character than J.R. Ewing? Or Simon Cowell? Or my favorite champagne villain, Alan Rickman in DIE HARD?

By making a concerted effort to accommodate the actors’ needs (and most of these are just good general writing tips) you stand a much better chance that the actors will embrace your script and even add to it. Their wardrobe and make up issues? That’s someone else’s problem.

Remembering Larry Gelbart

As if 9-11 wasn't tragic enough, it was also on this date one year ago that we lost Larry Gelbart. So, if you'll indulge me, I'd like to re-post my piece on this man I so loved. In addition to everything else, he wrote beautiful eulogies. With his flair for words and wit and warmth he constructed eloquent touching tributes. I used to kid him that he had to live forever because no one else could write them as well. And now I find myself in the agonizing position of trying to write his. First off, let me say, it won’t be as good.

So rather than tell you what you probably already know – that he was the Mozart of comedy writing and recipient of every honor but the Heisman Trophy – I’ll try to share some things you might not know; some personal stories.

In many ways the hardest part of writing scripts is turning them in. Because then you have to wait. And wait. And wait. It’s a stomach churning exercise filled with angst and insecurity and flashbacks of high school. After a day you’re an utter basket case. After a week you’re confessing to crimes you didn’t even commit.

When you turned in a script to Larry at 5:30 he called you at home to say he loved it… at 6:30. The first Rolaid hadn’t even dissolved in your stomach yet. Trust me, this is unheard of. But that was Larry. Empathetic, considerate, a mensch. He was the kindest man in an industry that seriously frowns on that sort of thing. Fortunately, he had the talent to overcome it.

And despite his enormous success, he was just as human as the rest of us mere boulevard farcitiers. He arranged for house seats for my wife and I to see the original production of SLY FOX. Jacqueline Kennedy was sitting next to me. When I called the next day to thank him and tell him who was sitting on my left, he got very nervous. “Did she like it? Did she laugh? Which jokes?” He was thrilled to learn she did laugh, and I’d like to think thrilled that my wife and I laughed too but probably more Jackie. After all, she paid for her seat.

I mentioned one day in a rewrite that my favorite MASH episode was “the More I See You” with Blythe Danner guesting as Hawkeye’s former flame. A few days later I received a gift. In those days Larry used to write his scripts longhand on legal pads. He gave me a Xeroxed copy of his original first draft. And the Mozart comparison continues. There were no cross-outs. Every line was perfectly constructed. Emotion and humor flowed from speech to speech with absolute ease. How does one do that? It’s impossible! That draft (now bound) remains one of my most cherished possessions.

And by the way, he could write an entire MASH script in one night. He was incredibly fast. Stanley Donan was going to direct a movie called BLAME IT ON RIO. He was not happy with the draft his writer had ,turned in and asked Larry if as a favor, he’d read it and offer his suggestions. Larry said sure (Larry always said sure). The script was delivered to him Friday at 5:30. No, he didn’t call back with his reaction at 6:30. He waited until Monday morning. But he said he had so many problems with it that instead of just scribbling down some notes he took the liberty of REWRITING the whole screenplay himself. Unbelievable. Even Mozart didn’t compose an opera over the weekend. Larry said use what you like. Donan used every word.

A similar story: For rewrites we would dictate to our assistant, Ruth, who was lightening quick. There was a big Radar speech. Larry started pitching and was just on fire. We were in stitches. Ruth broke in, telling him to slow down. Even she couldn’t write that fast. Larry said, “Just get half” and kept going. The half she didn’t get was better than anything else on television.

Larry always sent thank you notes. Larry always dropped you a line wishing you well on your upcoming project. Larry always returned phone calls. Larry always emailed you right back. Larry even left comments on my blog. I half expect a thank you note for this essay.

His legacy will last forever. His work was timeless, universal, steeped in humanity, and brilliant. MASH will always air eight times a night, TOOTSIE and OH GOD! will forever be on your screens (be they 64” plasmas or 2” iPods), FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE FORUM, and CITY OF ANGELS will be revived as long as there are stages.

Like any screenwriter, Larry had drawers and drawers of unproduced or unsold or unfinished projects. In June he just had a reading of a pilot he conceived. Last year he mounted a play in Chicago he was shepherding to Broadway. At the time of his death he was adapting one of his films into a musical and one of his musicals into a film. So yes, he left behind an amazing body of work but still we “just got half”.

Many people who knew him felt that Hawkeye Pierce was an idealized version of Larry. I’d like to think one of his other character creations was a more accurate representation of just who he was. God.

Enjoy the work of Larry Gelbart. You will laugh until you hurt. And for those of us who were blessed to have known him, we will hurt until we laugh.

9-11 and David & Lynn Angell

This is a re-post but I will probably be re-posting it every year on this date.
9/11 affected us all, profoundly and in many cases personally. Two of my dear friends were on flight 11. David and Lynn Angell. There hasn’t been a day I haven’t thought of them, missed them, and not felt grateful that they were in my life.

David and I worked together on CHEERS, WINGS, and FRASIER (the latter two he co-created). We used to call him the “dean”. In his quiet way he was the one we always looked to for final approval of a line or a story direction. He brought a warmth and humanity to his writing that hopefully rubbed off on the rest of us “schickmeisters”. And he could be funny – sneaky funny. During long rewrite sessions he tended to be quiet. Maybe two or three times a night he’d pitch a joke – but they were always the funniest jokes of the script.

For those of you hoping to become comedy writers yourselves, let David Angell be your inspiration. Before breaking in he worked in the U.S. Army, the Pentagon, an insurance firm, an engineering company, and then when he finally moved out to L.A. he did “virtually every temp job known to man” for five years. Sometimes even the greatest talents take awhile to be recognized.

I first met David the first season of CHEERS. He came in to pitch some stories. He had been recommended after writing a good NEWHART episode. This shy quiet man who looked more like a quantum physics professor than a comedy writer, slinked into the room, mumbled through his story pitches, and we all thought, “is this the right guy? He sure doesn’t seem funny.” Still, he was given an assignment (“Pick a con…any con”) and when the script came back everyone was just blown away. He was quickly given a second assignment (“Someone single, someone blue”) and that draft came back even better. I think the first order of business for the next season was to hire David Angell on staff.

After 9/11, David’s partners Peter Casey & David Lee called me and my partner into their office. There was a FRASIER script David Angell was about to write. (It was the one where Lilith’s brother arrived in a wheelchair and became an evangelist. Michael Keaton played the part.) Peter & David asked if we would write it and for me that was a greater honor than even winning an Emmy.

David’s wife, Lynn, was also an inspiration. She devoted her life to helping others – tirelessly working on creating a children’s library and a center that serves abused children.

My heart goes out to their families. To all of the families.

I still can’t wrap my mind around it.

So tragic, so senseless, and even nine years later, so inconceivable.

What movies NOT to remake

It’s Friday Question day!!

scottmc kicks it off:

A question inspired by a NY Times article on the remake of 'Arthur', starring Russell Brand and Helen Mirren. Hopefully this won't misfire like 'The In-Laws', but it isn't promising. My question: what two or three movie comedies would you least like to see remade?

Well, first of all – ARTHUR. Making that movie without Steve Gordon’s brilliant script is like buying a Rolls Royce with a Kia engine.

I’d hate to see any of Woody Allen’s early movies like TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN and BANANAS remade. Knowing Hollywood, they would probably get Michael Cera to play the Woody Allen roles. Don’t touch anything by Billy Wilder or Preston Sturgess. Keep THE GRADUATE away from Judd Apatow. Keep any comedy that doesn’t have a thousand shit jokes away from the Ferrelly Brothers.

Hollywood loves to change genders in remakes. Don’t redo TOOTSIE but with a woman.

Don’t remake any Jewish themed comedies such as HEARTBREAK KID (a vile reboot) or GOODBYE COLUMBUS and then take the Jewish element out of it.

Billy Wilder had a great line. He said, “Why remake great movies? Why not remake movies that didn’t work and do them better?”

Remake the last six Kevin Smith movies.

From Doug Barry:

Shouldn't a good spec run about 20 or so pages for a show like MODERN FAMILY?

Just confused on how many pages a spec script should actually be and what's acceptable in the industry.

It depends on the show. But there’s an easy solution. Get a copy of a script for the show you wish to write. This can be accomplished in several ways. Write the show and ask if they’ll send you a script. Check on-line and see if scripts from that series are posted.

There are some Hollywood bookstores that sell scripts, usually at bargain prices.

And if you live in Manhattan, there are always two or three guys selling scripts at the entrance of Central Park. I think one of my BECKER scripts was going for $5.

Judith has a FRASIER question:

I just wondered: were there rules, formal or informal, about how episodes treated the main character, Frasier, in terms of how much the story line revolved around him, for example? Or was it just more common sense, we know who the star of the show is?

Frasier had to be integrally involved in every episode. Most of the time the stories revolved around him but not always. Martin, Roz, Daphne, and Niles could be the focal point of an episode but Frasier always had to be pivotal.

But this was not a chore since Frasier was such a great character with strong attitudes and moral positions.

And finally, from Stephen:

The subject of Saturday night TV has been brought up in this blog before, but I wanted to ask, why can other countries make it a viable night for original programming? In the UK, Saturday is by far one of the most watched nights of television. So why is the US failing on a night others thrive on in your opinion?

I’m just speculating, but US television is geared primarily to the 18-34 demographic. They’re the group most likely to go out on Saturday night. And have DVR’s and computers to watch shows whenever they want.

This is certainly a sea change from the 70s when CBS’s biggest night was Saturday. ALL IN THE FAMILY was so popular that people stayed home until it was over to go out. And the other shows that followed (MASH, MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, BOB NEWHART SHOW, CAROL BURNETT SHOW)all finished in the top 10.

But that was even before VCR’s. Appointment television really meant something. And networks were striving to capture the largest audience they could. I’m guessing at the root of the difference between the US and UK now is that in Jolly Olde they still covet old people in their 40s.

What would you like to know? Please confine your questions to the industry and sexual advice. Thank you.

The "When will they do a TV series?" game!

And what a fun game it is! Yesterday I did a post on TV stars who become movie stars. More often though, it goes the other way. When movie stars are riding the crest of popularity, the very thought of doing a television series is absolutely abhorrent. TV is soooo far beneath them.

But then they have a few boxoffice misfires. And they start to age. And younger, newer, fresher faces appear on the scene. Those major starring roles stop coming. As do the paparazzi. And eventually we TV producers hear that “so-and-so is considering doing a series. They’re not sure yet but if the greatest idea in the history of mankind should be proposed to them they’d think it over. The next season you hear they’ll “meet with A-List writers”.

Eventually they’ll jump in, usually with a network commitment. But whatever, we got ‘em!

So here’s the fun game. What year do these big boxoffice stars join us TV grunts in the muck? Remember, cable shows add a certain prestige so that speeds up the process. But if Dustin Hoffman were still getting starring roles better than MR. MAGORIUMS WONDER EMPORIUM he wouldn’t be in an upcoming HBO series. Leave your guesses in the comment section. I’ll start you off with a few and then you’re on your own. Let’s check back in five years and see how right we all were.

Tom Cruise – 2014 (with Katie Holmes and his excuse will be that he’s doing it for “her”)
Seth Rogen – 2012 (when Judd Apatow also returns to TV)
Julia Roberts – 2013 (HBO but it will be her company producing and will probably be excellent)
Drew Barrymore – 2013 (after she realizes she’s made the same movie seven times)
Billy Crystal – 2009 (at least that’s when it should have been considering the amount of movie work he’s getting)
Tobey Maguire – 2014 (but he’ll do pilots in 2012 and 2013)
Megan Fox – (2013 but will get fired after three episodes)

Okay. Now it’s your turn.

Will Ferrell
Jack Black
Will Smith
Samuel L. Jackson
Mark Wahlberg
Katherine Heigl
Penelope Cruz
Johnny Depp
George Clooney
Jennifer Lopez
Ben Affleck
Brad Pitt
Matt Damon
Leo DiCaprio
Kate Winslett
Jennifer Aniston
Michael Cera
Scarlett Johanson
Cameron Diaz
Shia LaBeouf
Robert Downey Jr.
Ben Stiller
Angelina Jolie
Samdra Bullock
Russell Crowe
Adam Sandler
Eddie Murphy

How TV stars become movie stars

I saw Jason Bateman in THE SWITCH last week. Cute little movie but he was really impressive. Okay, Jeff Goldbum stole it but Jason held his own. The point is Jason Bateman is a long-time television actor finally getting a chance to star in movies. Will he become a movie star? Too soon to tell. His co-star, Jennifer Aniston (playing Rachel for the ninth film in a row) so far is not. For all the hoopla in fan magazines and TMZ, Jennifer Aniston still can’t open a movie. THE SWITCHED is not doing well in the boxoffice… although it is worth seeing. But I can almost hear you. “I’ll Netflix it.” “Cable fodder.” “Maybe if I get a screener”. And I contend it’s more because you can’t channel surf and not see Jason and/or Jennifer on at least six channels any time of the day or night. Seeing them on a big screen is no big whoop.

But it got me thinking about other TV vets who crossed the great divide and made it big in features. The one that jumps to mind immediately is James Cromwell. Terrific actor. Can play anything. But for years he just knocked around as a goofy character actor on TV. He was “Jamey” Cromwell then. We used him a couple of times on MASH and he was terrific. But I remember once when casting a pilot his name came up and my partner and I said, “he’s good but Jesus, haven’t we seen him like a million times? Isn’t there anyone else more fresh?”. Today we’d be lucky if he’d read one of our scripts.

Anyway, there are many other examples from George Clooney to Morgan Freeman, Clint Eastwood, Steve McQueen, Goldie Hawn, Thomas Hayden Church, Woody Harrelson, and I'm sure you can list ten others. But for every one who makes it, there are also a hundred David Caruso's and Matt LeBlanc's who don't. Why?

I don’t know. The X-Factor. Movie stars have a presence, a danger, a glow. There is something riveting about them. They can surprise you. They can command the big screen.

And they’re incredibly lucky. They happened to be in a hit. Again, going back to Jamey Cromwell. He gets a call from his agent:

Agent: Listen, I think I got something for you.

Jamey: (excited) A guest spot on WEBSTER?

Agent: Better.

Jamey: Wow! What?

Agent: A movie.

Jamey: Really! Fantastic!

Agent: Yeah, it’s a great story. There’s this pig that wants to be a sheepdog and he goes to live with this…

Jamey: Wait, wait. Back up a minute. A pig?

Agent: Cutest one you’ve ever seen.

Jamey: Brother. And what do I play?

Agent: The farmer.

Jamey: Who does what?

Agent: Who enters the pig in a sheepdog contest.

Jamey: Do I have a lot of lines?

Agent: Yes, but not as many as the pig.

Jamey: See if you can get me a callback on that WEBSTER.

Agent: No, no, you’re not hearing me. This could be a huge mainstream movie. And of the humans, you have the most to do.

Jamey (wavering): Well… it would be good to be in a big summer blockbuster.

Agent: Great. They film in Australia.

Jamey: Huh? How mainstream can this be if we film it in Australia?

Agent: I dunno. They got a deal on the pigs.

Jamey: Don’t Levine & Isaacs have a pilot? I mean, if I’m going to stoop…

Agent: Sorry. Nothing this season. I think the industry is starting to wise up about those two hacks. And I’m afraid WEBSTER isn’t going to happen. I’ve been holding this from you but Alex Karras doesn’t think you’re a good actor.

Jamey: Alex Karras? I’m not good enough for Alex Karras? Okay. Fine. I’ll do the fucking pig movie.

Agent: That’s great! Fantastic! Except…

Jamey: Except what? I lose the audience’s sympathy by eating my co-star?

Agent: No, it’s just that… you don’t have it yet. They’re going to want a screen test

Jamey: A screen test?! Why? They know what I’ve done. Just watch any episode of LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE. I must’ve played eighteen farmers.

Agent: Yeah, but they… they kinda want to see if there’s any chemistry between you and the uh… your little pink co-star… who by the way, would get billing under you. I negotiated that. It wasn’t easy but I got it. (Off Jamey’s silence) Look, you’re right. I’ll find something else. Let me check the cop shows. See which ones you weren’t killed in and I’ll call them again.

Jamey: (resigned) No, no. What the hell? Set up a meeting with the pig.

Cromwell was nominated for an Academy Award for his role in BABE and went on to terrific roles in many top movies including L.A. CONFIDENTIAL.

I don’t think THE SWITCH is going to do the same for Jason Bateman. But who knows? He’s very talented, has a ton of promise and given the right pig, I have a feeling he’s got a good chance.

Tomorrow: An audience participation game!!! ... if it works.

Maybe the weirdest story you'll hear all year

Remember those songs like “Lonesome Town” and “Heartbreak Hotel”, metaphoric destinations for the lost and lonely? Imaginary havens for love’s refuse. Well, it turns out one such place actually exists!!

There is a seaside resort town in Japan named Atami. It used to be a romantic getaway for young lovebirds. Well, either business was bad the women were stealing too many hair dryers but the town decided to go in a different direction. Atami now caters to a new clientele – the world’s most pathetic losers.

To increase tourism, the town has become the destination for male enthusiasts of Love Plus, a dating simulation game. This is according to Discovery News.

The town has partnered with gaming company Konami Digital Entertainment, the creators of Love Plus, to establish a resort that brings together the virtual girlfriend and her real-world boyfriend in a beach-side setting.

Yes. Yikes. Hang on. It gets worse.

Love Plus is an extended scenario in which the real-life "beau" plays a high school boy character in a relationship with a virtual girl. "The goal is to see how good you can be to her [the virtual girlfriend] and to build a relationship." And what better way to capture the heart of a screen cartoon image than by whisking her away for a romantic weekend by the sea?

Wow! And I thought the Burning Man festival was weird.

Now I know I shouldn’t be judgmental here. No one’s getting hurt (although some of the virtual girls might get their hearts broken or fail Algebra 2 because they’re spending too much time with their beaus), it’s all in good fun, but I’m sorry – middle-aged guys acting out fantasies with high school girls… in public – that’s a Sunday drive into some serious dementia.

The Discovery article explains how it works:

In 13 locations around the town, players can find 2D barcodes to scan and call up images of the young women in the game. The girls wear different clothing from their typical in-game looks. One hotel has gone as far as putting a barcode in its rooms, allowing players to see their "girlfriends" in a more private setting wearing summer kimonos.

Double yikes! Triple yikes!

Over 2,000 guys made this their summer vacation this year. I wonder if the iPad has a virtual condom app.

Again, my apologies but this is a giant cry for help. Please, somebody, create virtual therapists!

And here's what scares me. I’m sure there are congressmen reading this right now and booking their trip to Japan for fact-finding expeditions. At least four Florida beach towns and one Six Flags will flip to this next summer. The Fox reality series should hit the air right after the World Series. And worst of all, people will confuse me with the Ken Levine who created Bioshock and think that I created this game.

But the good news is this: You can now go to Comic-Com, wear whatever ridiculous tin foil superhero costume you want, and you're still the well-adjusted one.

The brilliance of Paul Conrad

My favorite political cartoonist, Paul Conrad of the LA TIMES passed away Saturday. He was 86. In a career that spanned over 50 years he won three Pulitzer Prizes and more impressive, he was named on Nixon's Enemy List.

Conrad was fearless, funny, a fabulous artist, wildly original, and his cartoons hit you like a stun gun.

Here are just a few examples. If there is an afterlife, Nixon and Reagan are doing spit takes.

My favorite pitch meeting EVER

In 1978 my partner, David Isaacs and I were head writers of MASH. That fall we also signed on to write a pilot for CBS. Our producer was Allan Carr (pictured above). He was this rather flamboyant character famous for throwing lavish parties in the “King Tut Disco” in his home, producing such films as SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER and GREASE, and winning a Tony for producing LA CAGE AUS FOLLES on Broadway. He looked like composer Paul Williams -- short, cherubic, bespectacled.

We arranged a meeting to pitch our pilot story. Since we were dealing with MASH all day the meeting was set for 6 PM at his Benedict Canyon mansion (“Hillhaven Lodge”, complete with a giant eight foot Oscar statue in the driveway.)

We show up and are told by the butler he’s not ready. The butler ushered us onto the lovely outdoor patio where a bottle of wine was waiting for us as well as a Chasen’s ice mountain of fresh seafood. An hour later we’re still waiting although the bottle is now empty. And we start getting a little giddy. We were wondering how we could steal one of his ceramic flamingos. Would Allan notice the two long flamingo legs sticking out of my briefcase? We were really starting to get punchy.

Finally, we hear “Hello, hello” and quickly put on our serious game faces. A moment later Allan sweeps in wearing nothing but a flowing white caftan…and a layer of thick white cold cream all over his face. Holy shit! We almost lost it.

And now, not only must we somehow maintain decorum, we have to pitch a complete pilot story. Behind Allan sat the flamingos, making it even worse.

We somehow managed to get through it. Imagine this surreal scene – a normal pitch meeting, the producer and writers polishing a story, trading ideas, everyone acting as though there’s nothing unusual even though the producer is in a dress with Crisco dripping from his face.

We wrapped up the meeting, said goodbye, shook hands, he closed the front door, and we rolled around on his front lawn for 45 minutes laughing.

The pilot didn’t go thank God because shortly after that Allan had his stomach stapled. Lord knows what the story meetings were like following that.

Labor Day Weekend recommendation

All this weekend GREAT BIG RADIO is playing the music on that magical year, 1970. Relive that year in music where nothing new happened, where Led Zepplin records played back-to-back with the Carpenters. It’s the end of some musical trends and the holding place for others. Hear it here.

But oh the memories….

1970

The Kent State Massacre.

Ziploc bags are invented.

Simon & Garfunkel win every Grammy.

Janis and Jimi leave us.

“Beneath the Planet of the Apes” and “Honeymoon Killers” are released.

Baltimore wins the World Series.

Hurricane Celia wreaks havoc in Texas.

There’s a Gay Rights march in Greenwich Village.

FBI agents arrest American Communist (and former UCLA professor) Angela Davis.

ABC has both “the Mod Squad” and “the Lawrence Welk Show” on the same primetime schedule.

One million cans of tuna are recalled by the FDA.

President Nixon sends combat troops into Cambodia.

“President Nixon” in general.

The Jim Nabors variety show is up against the Flip Wilson variety show.

Did I mention Ziploc bags?

The GREAT BIG RADIO salute to the music of 1970 plays through Labor Day. They're all there – the hits and the stiffs, and I defy you to tell them apart. Rare concert soundtracks will also be featured. I’m getting nostalgic just writing this. Broke up with my girlfriend… had to join the army … so many highlights…

The "Jumping the Shark" writer finally speaks out

There’s a nice article in Friday’s LA TIMES “Calendar” section by Fred Fox Jr. the writer who wrote the famous “Jump the Shark” episode of HAPPY DAYS.

Very quickly, for those who don’t know, several guys were sitting around a bar one night discussing their favorite shows and wondering what was the precise moment that they went downhill? One suggested for HAPPY DAYS it was when Fonzie literally jumped a shark to prove his love for girlfriend Pinky Tuscadero. That expression caught on, a website was born, and the rest is infamous history.

You can read Fred’s article here.

He talks about dealing with it. Going from incredulous to embarrassment to acceptance. When I read the piece, this was my reaction: envy.

Seriously, how cool to say you wrote one of the single most famous episodes in television history! Bobby Thomson hit “the shot heard round the world” but everyone also remembers Ralph Branca, the pitcher who served it up. Name me one other relief pitcher from 1951.

I’m glad that Fred wrote the piece. I’m glad that he’s willing to accept the notoriety. I say, own it. Be proud of it.

And by the way, that shark episode was not the tipping point for HAPPY DAYS. As Fred points out, the series went on for another six highly rated seasons. That’s like the Titanic hitting an iceberg and sinking three years later.

One other point: To this day, HAPPY DAYS reruns make me laugh. They’re 30+ years old but are still funny. There are even some good laughs in the episode where Fonzie jumps the shark.

Debunking CHEERS myths

The official kick-off to the Labor Day Weekend is reading Friday Questions.

Joey on the 8s has a couple of CHEERS questions.

1. Our tour guide took us by "the tank" on Paramount's lot, and I found where you mentioned it in a previous post. This guide told a story about how it was used in Cheers in the "Sam proposes to Diane" scene where Diane is supposed to end up on "Boston harbor." His story went that when the scene was first set up, Shelley complained that the water was too cold and she wouldn't go in, so they spent a few days pumping in warmer water ... and then she still balked at going in. The guide implied that's why she was off the show shortly thereafter. Any comments there?

I wasn’t there for that but friend-of-the-blog and super mensch David Lee was. David graciously answers:

Totally false. I remember it clearly because Peter (Casey) and I wrote the episode.

The water was heated to a certain temperature because that's what the actors' union insists upon (rightly so.) Shelley never complained about it as there was nothing to complain about. It was heated at the time we began shooting. She also never balked at going in, in fact she was always quite game for that sort of thing. She left the show because she wanted to move on. No other reason. Sorry to mess up a good piece of gossip with the truth.

2. The guide also told a story how, as a result of some bet, Woody and Ted streaked across the lot, including past a spot near the stage where some fresh concrete had been put in. Guide showed us where Ted and Woody signed there names in the concrete. Any recollection of this?

I remember Ted pantsed (panced?) Woody in front of the audience once, but don't recall any streaking episode. Maybe after I left? They did sign their names in some wet concrete, though. I seem to recall it was near the day care center. There is some resonance to that I suppose.

Thanks, David. I probably owe six dinners by now.

From Michael:

I was wondering whether your personal relationship with an actor/actress ever affected what or how much you wrote for a character - either positively or negatively.

David Lee? Oh wait. I guess I can answer this one myself.

More important than how we felt about an actor was how well they delivered. There were actors I was not enamored with personally but were sensational performers. So we wrote as much for them as we could and drank a lot of scotch. Other actors were Oscar winning people in real life but Razzie winners on the set. We would either trim their material as deftly as we could or at least made sure we didn’t place the comedy burden on them.

As for actors using sex to get more lines, I’m reminded of that old Polish joke. “Did you hear about the Polish actress who tried to get ahead by sleeping with writers?”

Drama writers have it a little easier than us sitcom scribes when it comes to dealing with bad actor behavior. If there’s an actor they hate they can always just kill them. One producer on a one-hour show said to me they had to stop doing that. It was getting to the point where by midseason there would be no one left in the entire cast.

And finally, from Jonathan:

Do you write with an actor's/character's voice in mind, or is that something that emerges in rehearsal/shooting and is more a product of the actor and director?

David Isaacs and I always write with either an actor or someone we know in mind, even if we know we’ll never get them. This is especially helpful when you’re writing in a team. That way you can both hear approximately the same voice. And I have to tell you, George Clooney just kills in our scripts!

Happy Labor Day Weekend. Drive safely and leave your comments.

How NOT to give notes (part 1, even though part 2 was yesterday)

This was supposed to be part one of a two part article until I screwed up the timer. If you think I'm bad with programming a blog you should see me on heavy machinery. Anyway, the other part was yesterday and yesterday's is today.

This is a post for executives, studios, networks, pod producers, critics, D-girls, professors, wives – anyone who gives script notes. How you present notes is often as important or more important than the notes themselves. There are times when the messenger should be killed. Here are some do-nots when delivering notes. And there are enough of them that this is a two-day article.

First, understand that we writers hate notes. We begrudgingly do realize that they’re sometimes helpful and under the influence of Ethanol will admit they can improve a script, but we hate them. You’re going to get much better results if you present them in a respectful way.

Try to say some nice things about the script first, even if you have to be creative, even if you have to lie. Again, it’s about respect – real or otherwise. And try to make the compliments credible. We can see through, “really nice font” or “we’re generally very happy”.

Don’t lead us on. Don’t say, “I just have a couple of little things” and then bombard us with an hour of notes.

If there is a group of you, consolidate and assign one person to give the notes. I said we hate notes. That’s nothing compared to how much we hate being gangbanged. We once had a notes session with twenty executives – and it was a conference call. Twenty voices all yammering at once, all offering conflicting notes, arguing with each other. We heard nothing. So we did nothing. We did whatever we wanted and turned it in. They were happy. I guess they assumed that whatever we did we were addressing someone’s note even if they didn’t remember it being given. Pick your best guy. Distill all the notes into one coherent presentation.

Don’t use the expression “this bumped me” before giving a note. It bumps me more that you say that. Do they teach a “suit slang” class at Bennington now?

Don’t say, “Sure, it’s funny but…” Do you have any idea how hard it is to MAKE something funny? You can convey your point without dismissing the key component of a comedy script.

Be specific. This is a big one. It’s hard enough to satisfy your concerns without having to hire a Navajo translator or psychic to help decipher them.

There was a network executive we dealt with for years. Very smart, excellent programmer, and a good guy. I’m very fond of him personally. But he gave the worst most obtuse pilots notes on the planet. Here are some examples.

He’d say “this script is here” and hold up his hand, then raise his hand higher and say, “but I want it here”. And that would be his only note. What the fuck?!

He’d say, “this script has the meat and vegetables, I would just like to see what’s for dessert.” Yeah, right. Go off and write that.

This same executive was giving notes on a friend’s pilot and said, “If CHEERS is a place where everybody knows your name, then your place is…?” My friend answered, “Well, gee, we haven’t written the title song yet.”

I know it’s tough when something bothers you and you can’t put your finger on it but try as best you can to be specific.

Tomorrow: Friday questions -- Debunking CHEERS myths. Unless I screw up again and schedule it for next Thursday or last Tuesday.

How NOT to give notes

Here are some ways not to give notes. I screwed up and posted part 2 first. The first half of this helpful constructive rant will be posted tomorrow. The point is how not to give notes. Tomorrow will be centered more on network and studio executives.

Think through the ramifications of your notes. Don’t just say, “let’s do this instead”. Your suggestion may solve one immediate problem but screw up everything else that follows. Remember, every story beat, every line has been discussed (usually to death) and is there in that form for a reason. I’m not saying it can’t be improved but take a moment to appreciate the logic process first.

You know what really enrages us? When you ask for something in the script that’s already there. Please read the damn thing. We worked very hard on it. When you hear us respond to one of your notes by saying, “It’s right there on page 8!” know that when we get back to the office you are the target of moron jokes for a week.

Another sensitive area is giving notes on jokes. If they’re notes on a runthrough there is no need for you to point out which jokes didn’t work. We’re trained comedy writers. We can recognize silence.

If it’s just a joke on a page then it gets trickier. You’re making a subjective call. Here is where tact comes in again. A well-known producer with a shocking lack of tact used to challenge the writer when he didn’t like a joke. He’d say, “How is that funny? Explain to me why anyone in the fucking world would laugh at that?” It’s hard to rewrite comedy when your testicles have been removed.

Contrast that to Gene Reynolds when he was producing MASH. He’d merely say, “You might want to take another look at that joke”. That’s all you need, isn’t it?

Don’t – I repeat DON’T ever vote on jokes. Don’t ask for a show of hands among the executives around the table as to whether they liked a particular joke. That’s like us taking a poll as to whether your dick is long enough. And trust me, you don't want to hear the results.

Actors: We writers don’t take kindly to you throwing the script on the floor and yelling that it’s “shit”! Call us over-sensitive. You can go over to us and say, “I’m having a little trouble with this.” That we’ll listen to. “I could use a little help here”. We’ll respond positively to that too.

But “My character wouldn’t say that” – we hate that a thousand times more than “this bumps me”. An actor once said that to producer Steven Bochco. He said to the actor, "Maybe your character wouldn't say that, but he's not your character, he's my character, and he's saying it right here." He pointed to the script.

Nick Collasanto (the Coach on CHEERS) was the smartest actor I’ve ever worked with when it came to giving writers notes. He would always start off by saying, “I’m happy to do it just the way you have it here, but…” and then he’d go on and express his concern. The fact that he said he’d do it as written we ALWAYS changed it to his satisfaction.

Dear actors, think of us as collaborators not mules.

Again, it all boils down to respect. It may not look it but we put a lot of time and effort into these scripts. In some cases we pour out our hearts and souls (not so much on episodic but still). And even though we don’t like them, we appreciate thoughtful notes and only want the script to get better. If you present your notes well I can almost guarantee that we’ll take the script from here to here… or at least here.

Some final Emmy thoughts

A follow-up to yesterday's review of the Emmys.

The ratings were about the same as last year. So congratulations to the Chabad telethon.

In response to my comment about winner Jim Parsons I received a nice note from David Hyde Pierce reminding me that HE is the young David Hyde Pierce.

MAD MEN’S Matt Weiner also emailed to say that his co-writer Erin Levy was being hugged by her father out of camera view and that’s why she lagged so far behind him bounding up to the stage. Thanks Matt. There should be walk-off music for winners who hug too long in the aisles.

The three-hour show finished on time although I’m sure the producers were worried that the minute they got off the air they’d realize, “Shit! We forgot to give out Best Actor”.

One reason the Emmys didn’t get stellar ratings is that a lot of people (most everyone I talked to) found themselves saying, “Who’s that?” fifty times during the broadcast. That’s the good and bad news of all the new faces now on the TV scene.

Jimmy Fallon generally got very positive reviews. Of course, after the year the five reality show emcees hosted, Manny Ramirez could do a better job.

How many A-list parties will Temple Grandin be invited to NEXT year? She’s this year’s Roberto Benigni.

What does the Academy have against serial killers?

Please Academy: no more lame bits introducing the accountants, don’t strive for class and elegance and then feature Kim Kardashian, don’t have washed-up pop stars sing their own dreary compositions for the “In Memoriam” feature. Think of the dear departed themselves. Do you think Soupy Sales would have okayed that Jewel song for his funeral?

I couldn’t tell. There’s a rumor going around that for the “In Memoriam” tribute they showed a shot of Fred Savage and identified him as Corey Haim.

BREAKING BAD won’t have their new season on the air soon enough to be eligible for next year’s Emmys. So Hugh Laurie will lose to Jon Hamm instead of Bryan Cranston next year.

The most beautiful girl of the night was never shown on camera. Brook Burke of (judging by the just-announced contestants) DANCING WITH THE FREAK SHOW.

How soon until the major networks dump the Emmys and they’ll start rotating between cable networks? So one year they’re on LOGO, then BOOMERANG, then the Home Shopping Channel.

Comedy writing staffs for every show spent at least two hours this morning ripping the shit out of every single person who won. An hour just on Julia Ormond alone. But all the winners were ingrates, lucky, talentless, undeserving, fat. All except Betty White. She'll be spared.

Thanks for all the nice comments on my Emmy review. It was much harder to write this year because the show wasn’t that bad. I think Fox has it next year so that shouldn’t be a problem. Tim McCarver will make the perfect host.

My 2010 Emmys Review

Shorter than the Oscars and gayer than the Tonys – it’s the 62nd annual Emmy Awards! This year starring Betty White and Temple Grandin.

For the first time ever the Emmys were shown live in Los Angeles. NBC recognized they were up against very stiff competition this year -- the Chabad Telethon.

What an inconvenience that three-hour tape delay used to be. Every year my wife would have to excuse herself in the middle of the show, call home, and say, “Daddy lost. Go to bed.”

Jimmy Fallon was this year’s host. He was amusing at times. But my choice would have been Joel McHale. Or Rabbi Boruch Schlomo Cunin who killed at the Chabad telethon!

The opening production number was great fun. And they established right away, if you need a laugh – go to Betty White. She was in skits, promos, film clips. I was surprised she didn’t appear in a scene from THE PACIFIC blasting the shit out of the Japs. But Betty coaching Jon Hamm on dance moves was hilarious, and in general the number got the show off to a spirited start.

NBC is now so afraid of defecting viewers that during winners’ speeches they alert you to upcoming star appearances. How’d you like to be on stage, maybe celebrating the single greatest moment of your life and on the screen they flash: “In Memoriam in 4 1/2 minutes”?

Lots of surprises this year: Aaron Paul won for BREAKING BAD. He starred in one of our failed pilots a couple of years ago and I just knew if he ever got attached to decent material his career would take off!

A big shocker was Archie Panjabi from THE GOOD WIFE. She's the researcher. So she won an Emmy for, “I was able to retrieve his phone records for the last three years”?

More surprises: Kyra Sedgwick, TOP CHEF beating perennial winner THE AMAZING RACE (they shouldn’t have cut corners by having the teams race through “It’s a Small World” this season), the scarcity of Conan jokes (the over/under was fifty), and the discovery that Julia Osmond is certifiably insane.

Otherwise, was anybody shocked that Kim Kardashian can’t sing or that THE PACIFIC won for Best Mini-Series? It was the only nominee and she has no talent at all.

What was with that set? Every time they went to a tribute to Comedy or Drama or whatever it was like the Caesar’s Palace Sports Book exploded.

I was thrilled that MODERN FAMILY copped Best Comedy, thus keeping the tradition of comedic excellence alive for ABC. First TAXI in 1978, then THE WONDER YEARS in 1988 and now this.

MAD MEN again deserved Best Drama. It’s still the best show on television. Although a note to Matthew Weiner – when you win for writing, it’s usually good form to wait for your co-writer to join you and not trample her on your way to the stage.

This was a bittersweet night for Matt. Yes, he won two Emmys but Temple Grandin got more attention.

Jane Lynch was even more of a lock than THE PACIFIC. And she looked fabulous. She could even get girl parts.

But what was with Lauren Graham? Did she leave a napkin in her dress? It looked like she was wearing a black gown and a white lobster bib.

Eric Stonestreet’s acceptance speech was heartfelt and lovely. And it was his first time. Al Pacino’s won a million awards and his speech was like your uncle Lou’s just before the paramedics came.

It was clearly MODERN FAMILY’S night. Congratulations to Steven Levitan and Christopher Lloyd for best script. Great speech by Steve but where was Chris? Was there a Clippers game last night?

How could they do a tribute to the year in Drama and not include DEFYING GRAVITY? Or a Comedy tribute and omit HANK?

Edie Falco may be the only actress to win a Best Comedy and a Best Drama Emmy. Gotta applaud her honesty. “I’m not funny!” she exclaimed. Neither was that running Twitter bit.

January Jones wore a giant blue drink umbrella. Why have her present the award for Best Mini-Series when she can’t even pronounce Mini-Series?

You realize of course that you watch a lot more television than the people who made these decisions? If it weren't for screener DVD's, many Academy members would still be voting for HILL STREET BLUES.

It’s about time that Jim Parsons won for BIG BANG THEORY. He’s the young David Hyde-Pierce.

Did you notice that not one winner all night, any category, thanked a network or studio for notes?

Sofia Vergara came dressed as an Emmy.

Equally as stunning was Clair Danes – and she did it without cleavage.

Meanwhile, Lea Michele was quite fetching in her tailored Glad bag.

Hugh Laurie will never win. And Bryan Cranston will never lose.

George Clooney received the Bob Hope Award for Major Movie Star who agreed to appear on the Emmys.

Best line of the night: Writer Adam Mazer, winner for YOU DON’T KNOW JACK: "Jack Kevorkian, I'm so grateful you're my friend. But I'm even more grateful you're not my physician."

Jack Kevorkian was in attendance although at first I thought it was David Caruso.

Anna Pacquin came as King Tut.

What was that hideous song Jewel sang? I hate to say it but it really brought down the “In Memoriam” section.

DEXTER’S John Lithgow, winner of best guest actor in a drama series (even though he was in 13 of 13 episodes) thanked HBO, which is gracious except DEXTER is on Showtime.

Did anybody else notice that host network NBC didn’t win a single Emmy during the broadcast? Again, how does Jeff Zucker keep his job???

Most deserved Emmy: Jeff Greenberg for casting MODERN FAMILY.

The musical salute to 24/LAW & ORDER/LOST was good but I dunno, over at the Chabad telethon Avraham Fried was kicking ass.

Why did they have to ruin director Mick Jackson’s big night by mentioning he also directed VOLCANO?

As Emmy shows go I thought this was a pretty good one. It was nice balance of new blood and Betty White. Thanks to my daughter Annie for helping with the snark. Happy birthday, kiddo.

Oh…

I can’t let an Emmy review go by without a nod to KTLA’s inane Red Carpet arrival show hosted by the “footstool of the footlights”, Sam Rubin and his bimbo de jour, this year – Jessica Holmes, whose qualifications for this assignment was helicopter traffic reporter.

When Paula Abdul told Sam that Simon Cowell will always be in her heart, he’s like a fungus, Sam sought clarification: “So (he’s) like toe jam?” What does it say when Sam Rubin is in a conversation with Paula Abdul and she comes off the smart one?

Not that Jessica is a Mensa candidate. To Jesse Brandt of BREAKING BAD she asked: “So does everybody in Hollywood know each other?” I guess when you cover the industry from 20,000 feet you might think that.

In discussing DEXTER with two of its cast members, she said, “It’s so funny that he’s a serial killer.”

And just when you thought they couldn’t be any more self-congratulatory they add this new little wrinkle: a running crawl at the bottom of the screen with text messages from the audience repeatedly telling Jessica and Sam how beautiful they look. I sent a text: “Sam & Jessica are insipid” and KTLA didn’t air it. But with just a $30 donation, the Chabad telethon did.