Prime rib only $1.25

How’s this for a deal?

There’s a famous restaurant in Los Angeles (and now a few other places) called Lawry’s. It specializes in prime rib. Even if you’re vegan you gotta try this prime rib. A clogged artery or two is a small price to pay for a slab of this he-man delicacy. Lawry’s is an LA institution like the Hollywood sign and silicone breasts. The prime rib is cut at your table. Don’t worry though. You don’t have to pick out your cow. But it is sliced to your specifications and accompanied by Yorkshire pudding, potatoes, and a great salad that’s tossed in a spinning bowl. Lettuce is so much better spun. Needless to say, Lawry’s is an “event” place. You’re not going to swing by there for a light bite. Following their meal, satisfied customers are usually rolled out to their cars.

You may also have heard of Lawry’s because the week before the Rose Bowl they invite both teams to engage in “the Beef Bowl.” Now they’re all just fed a hearty meal. Years ago there was an actual competition to see which team could eat the most. But after they finished off the entire cattle population of Montana one year, the owners decided to scale back. Still, it’s a shining example of gluttony.

You also may know Lawry’s from their seasoned salt.

Lawry’s turns 75 this month. And how’s this for a celebration? Tomorrow , the original Lawry’s on La Cienega will offer prime rib at the same 1938 price: From 11 a.m. to 3 p.m., the first 1,000 customers pay $1.25 for the "Lawry cut" prime rib with Yorkshire pudding, mashed potatoes and a "Spinning Bowl" salad.  You can't beat that offer!

No reservations. Start lining up now.

But it brings up the question: What would you stand in a long line for? What would you pull an all-nighter for?

When I was in college I pulled all-nighters every year to get basketball season tickets in the students section. Tickets came to twenty-five cents per game, we sat at center court, and it was UCLA. We won the National Championship every year I was there. So that I felt was worth sitting on a cold sidewalk for nine hours with two thousand other totally drunk vomiting Bruins.

But standing in line for movie openings makes no sense to me. A concert, perhaps. A one-time only event, sure. But a movie is a one-time every two hours event. Instead of waiting in line for twenty-four hours on Thursday night, take a half day off of work and go Monday morning. You walk right into the theater and choose between the four hundred empty seats. It’s the same Superman.

I know there’s the “event” factor, fans want to see it first, and there’s a real party atmosphere. I love that people dress in costumes --for the Triumph the Insult Comic Dog interviews alone.

But that brings up a second question (or sub question to the first question): I wore a Superman cape… when I was six. At what age is that no longer appropriate, even under the influence of alcohol? I’m going to take a wild stab and say if you’re thirty-five and wearing a Superman cape in public you damn well better BE Superman.

When I was in Cleveland last year with the Mariners people were lined around the block at 1:00 a.m. to get into a new casino. That was nuts. Folks waiting hours just to lose their money.

And the madness continues. People start lining up for Black Friday sales on Tuesday now. What happens is the first six get giant flatscreen TV’s for fifteen dollars, and the rest are just fucked. Are the other deals really THAT stupendous? Enough that it’s worth living on the street in the cold of November and missing Thanksgiving (although missing Thanksgiving could be the perk depending on your family)?

For me, it’s bad enough there are long lines I have to stand in – TSA security, immigration, anything at the post office. So I won’t be joining you tomorrow at Lawry’s. I find it so much easier to just be super charming and have someone treat me to dinner. Of course then I might have to put out.

What to get Dad for Fathers Day

Dad's are always tough to shop for.  How many ties, and tools, and Tiger Woods commemorative plates can you buy him?   How many shirts, and socks, and lawn gnomes?  Well, this year I have the answer.  A handsome paperback (or Kindle or audio download) of my book, THE ME GENERATION... BY ME (GROWING UP IN THE '60s).  Yes, this is a shameless plug but you'll notice no Google Ads ever appear along the side.

Seriously, it's a fun, nostalgic trip back to a decade that Dad actually understands.   And the cover is real colorful.   If you order now you'll have it in plenty of time for the big day (next Sunday).  So tell your father you love him... or all is forgiven... or you still have issues but let's just get through the day by ordering your copy here.  And it's cheap!

As further incentive, I'm re-posting my book trailer (which I have no idea has helped me sell a single book but it's amusing).    Thanks, everybody! 

In the spirit of Tony revivals...

...here are highlights from my past Tony reviews. I won’t be reviewing them this year because they’re tape delayed and I don’t want to stay up until 4:00 writing a review of a show that only I saw. But I love the Tony’s and if you do too, here are excerpts from my previous snarky reviews to get in the mood.

Usually I say the Tonys are the only award show where no one thanks their wives. This year, with THE BOOK OF MORMON there was the chance that winners would thank many wives. But not so. That would require Mormons to actually be involved.

This year we had JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR, GODSPELL, THE BOOK OF MORMON, and LEAP OF FAITH. Don’t producers know that JEWS are the people who go to the theater? What’s next? A Mel Gibson one-man show?

The theater community was thrilled and relieved when Audra McDonald finally won for lead actress. Her four other Tonys were just for supporting actress. Highlight of her speech was saying it was an honor to get raped by Philip Boykin every night.

How nice to have an awards show where the “Harvey” they’re saluting is Fierstein not Weinstein.

For the first time in the 65-year history of the Tony Awards, they waited a full two hours before the Sondheim tribute number.

My delightfully caustic daughter, Annie and her writing partner, Jon Emerson are also contributing this year. Annie (during the JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR number): “That musical has had more revivals than Jesus.”

Sick joke alert but I laughed: When Tyne Daly was introducing the In Memoriam segment and saying the theater lost many great people this year, Jon chimed in with, “Yeah, and half the cast of SPIDERMAN”.

Very happy that Nina Arianda won even though you’re saying who is she and what did she win for?

I always find in unnerving to see a Judy Garland impersonator who isn’t a man.

The Tonys are only once a year in the summer so you can understand why CBS continues to air them despite so little interest. I mean it’s not like it’s a weekly series about Broadway. What network would be crazy enough to have one of those, spend big bucks on it, and then renew it? Even NBC couldn’t be that foolish, could they?

The production numbers are always more fun at the Macy's Parade where they do the same thing but in 20 degree weather. If I don't see steam coming out of mouths I'm not as transported.

Christina Applegate, with her short blond hair and tight green dress looked like Tinkerbell while her co-presenter, Neil Patrick Harris looked like Peter Pan. Neil is maybe the only male who could ever play that part.

Julie White won the TONY for “Best Impersonation of a Harriet Harris” performance. She was very funny in THE LITTLE DOG LAUGHED.

As usual, off stage announcer, Randy Thomas, was smooth and flawless. I want to win just so someday I could hear her say my name (and maybe plug my book).

Mandy Patinkin and Patti LaPone were presenters together. That’s like Godzilla and Mothra on the same stage. There must be teeth marks on every piece of backstage scenery at the Beacon and three neighboring theaters.

Good luck to all the nominees. May the best man, or man playing woman, or woman playing man, or woman win.

Weekend odds and ends...

Fragments of ideas and miscellaneous observations...

Does anyone else think James Taylor looks like Matt Weiner?

The big problem Hollywood has always had with Superman is making him relevant and cool. I don’t think they help their cause by putting him in a fucking Carls Jr. fast food burger commercial.

Went to the Dodgers-Braves game Thursday night. Yasiel Puig, the 20 year-old Dodger sensation from Ricky Ricardo's hometown hit his first grand slam. So many amazing things that night:

1. The kid’s first grand slam.
2. They were already selling his jersey in the gift shop.
3. Paula Abdul lectured the crowd on prostate problems. Maybe she thought she had one.
4. The Dodgers gave out bobbleheads of the Braves radio announcer. (Okay, it was former Dodger pitcher, Don Sutton).

I was hoping Michael Douglas would have been there to tell Dodger fans (and especially Steve Garvey) about the dangers of… you know.

Remind me to call Obama to see if I have any phone messages.

Actual HuffPost Headline:  50 Cent agrees to pee in girl's mouth.   That makes me so proud to be a contributing writer. 

The TV GUIDE channel – TVGN, will begin showing CHEERS this summer. Consult TV Guide to see if (a) TV GUIDE still exists, and (b) what the hell is the TV GUIDE channel? 

Great line from SOPRANOS creator, David Chase: “I was not a super TV watcher since I discovered drinking.”

Great Facebook line from writer Dave Hackel: My DVR is completely filled with episodes of "Hoarders."


R.I.P. Esther Williams at 91. She did all these swimming musicals. Fanny Brice once said: “Wet, she’s a star. Dry, she ain’t.” Those who knew Ms. Williams said she was a sweetheart, wet or dry.

I won’t be reviewing the Tony’s because no one watches the Tony’s. But I’m sure Neil Patrick Harris will be a great host and the first opening number will have a Michael Douglas joke.

Groundling vets/successful writers Robin Schiff & Wendy Goldman are holding another Improv for Writers workshop this summer. Great way to tap into your creativity. Here’s where you go for info.

I saw BODY HEAT again recently. What a sexy, steamy movie. Only thing is – if Kathleen Turner's character was so rich she lived in a big mansion, how come she didn’t spring for air conditioning?

Bill Drake, arguably the most influential man in radio in the '60s and '70s (back when being influential in radio meant something) agreed to a lengthy and totally candid interview with fellow radio genius, Ron Jacobs.   The result is mind blowing (as they said in the '60s and two years of the '70s) and the transcript is now available in ebook form.   Check it out.

TV critics already hate this year’s pilots.

Happy birthday to Sam Simon and my brother Corey. Okay, Sam’s was two days ago. I don’t check Facebook every twelve seconds.

But on a somber note: Sam Simon is very ill. Please join me in passing along prayers and best wishes to this very caring and special man. Just recently he purchased an entire circus so he could set the animals free. How truly remarkable is that?

Friday Questions

Time for Friday Questions. The theme this week seems to be stars.

Ryan asks:

Frasier's first wife, the children's entertainer "Nanny G," was played by Emma Thompson on an episode of Cheers, then by Laurie Metcalf on an episode of Frasier years later. Would you happen to know if any attempt was made to get Thompson to reprise the role?

Yes. Ms. Thompson was unavailable. I will say it was a great thrill to work with her on CHEERS. She’s as incredibly nice as she is Oscar awarded.

Laurie Metcalf was one of the very few people who could replace her.  She was great in FRASIER, but it wasn't the same.  I couldn't ask her what Kenneth Branagh was really like.  

VP81955 wants to know:

Ken, in the old days of the studio system, places such as Paramount and MGM had rather palatial dressing rooms for their stars under contract. Those days are long since gone, of course, as all film stars are independent contractors -- but I'm wondering if such rooms now house stars on TV series, particularly those that have proven to be hits.

First of all, let me make it clear I wasn’t born during those glory days of the studios.

Generally speaking, those lavish dressing rooms have been converted to offices. When David Isaacs and I were at Paramount we had our own bungalow, which used to be Judd Hirsch’s dressing room during TAXI. You can usually tell if it’s a former dressing room because there’s a shower in the bathroom. And there’s a bathroom.

I don’t know what accommodations are made for big movie stars today – I don’t know what Julia Roberts or R2D2 get – but I’m sure they’re nicer than all of our homes.

Some TV stars just prefer giant trailers. You can really trick out those babies these days.

I tried to stay out of stars’ dressing rooms. When I was invited it was usually because they had problems with the script.

From Adam Hauck:

I had a dream the other night that I was at a bowling alley and all of a sudden David Schramm enters. He seems like a nice guy (I'm a big Wings fan).

This got me wondering if you have any good (or even mediocre) stories about him. Also if he really is a nice guy like in my dream, lol.

What were you eating before going to sleep?

For the record, David Schramm played the boorish (and hilarious) Roy on WINGS. You’ll be happy to know he’s the nicest guy in the world. A few years ago I did a reading of my play in New York and asked David to do one of the starring roles. He lives on the east coast now. Two things I remember: He read it cold in rehearsal and got every single laugh. Then during the performance that night he was even better. The man's a natural comedian.  Secondly, he had no email address. Like I said, that was a few years ago so things might’ve changed, but at the time he was (and maybe still is) the only person I know who doesn’t have an email account. So he’s a tad eccentric that way. But I love him and would work with him again in a second. Assuming I could reach him.

Carson asks:

I've been watching Cheers again on Netflix. I've found that the Woody centered episodes are my least favorite. Nothing against Woody Harrelson, but the character just seems so two dimensional that's it's hard to have him carry an episode. Even the Woody centered episode of Frasier is not a favorite of mine. What are your thoughts?

I have to respectfully disagree. Some of my favorite CHEERS episodes are the ones with him and Kelly. Their wedding episode is a series highlight.

I didn’t love the FRASIER that Woody guested on. It was a hard week with a lot of rewriting. I’ll leave it at that.

And finally, from leemats:

I recently learned that some cable shows have "partial contracts" for their actors. (I'm not sure what the actual term is.) For example, Jon Hamm is contracted for all 13 episodes of a Mad Men season, but some members of the cast may only appear in 10 or so.

Has this been going on for a while?

Yes.  Years and years.  They’re generally called recurring characters and will be signed for 8 out of 13 or 10 out of 13 (whatever is negotiated). Not having an actor under contract for the full order can save the studio money but it’s a gamble. If that actor does get a series regular spot elsewhere he can often take it (depending on the terms of each individual contract). Alison Brie has a recurring role on MAD MEN (as Pete’s wife Trudy) but she also became a series regular on COMMUNITY (as Annie).

Anything you’d like to know?  Just ask me in the comments section I'll be in my dressing room.

For my consideration...

For members of the TV Academy, this is the best time of year. Because this is when we get all the screener DVD’s for shows that hope to be considered for primetime Emmys.

Every day I eagerly check the mail and there are envelopes and boxes containing specials, documentaries, the best episodes of series, mini-series, British series, sometime complete series, and about three dozen programs no one has ever heard of much less seen.

It’s always such a treat despite the fact that I could probably find every single one of them either on Netflix or Hulu or On Demand or the net or my DVR. Still! They’re in my hand. They’re beautifully packaged. And every year there are at least six of these shows I had been meaning to watch but never did. Now I do. And I’m usually rewarded for my efforts. That’s how I discovered DOWNTON ABBEY (although I wasn’t rewarded this year. Ugh!)  

And some channels I don’t get on my cable system so this is my only exposure to their fare. There’s a REELZ network?  I get six Korean channels but no REELZ network. 

The one stipulation is that I not distribute these DVD's to anybody and I dutifully comply. How stupid to get thrown into prison for giving my gardener the HAPPILY DIVORCED DVD? (Of course, the truth is my gardener wouldn’t take the HAPPILY DIVORCED DVD.)

Every year I am mystified by some of the series that submit screeners. Without naming names, they have to KNOW there is no way on God’s green earth that their crappy shows would EVER be nominated for ANYTHING. Why waste the money? Spend it instead on a decent writer. I leaf through some of the entries and howl with laughter (then take out my scissors and cut them in half).

Pretty safe rules: If your show was cancelled after two airings you’re not going to beat MAD MEN for Best Drama. If your cable sitcom has never been nominated in the six years it’s been on the air, it won’t get nominated now. Elaborate packaging does not make jokes funnier.

I also wonder why some shows that are heavily serialized don’t give you the entire series if, in fact, they’re serious. Yes, each episode starts with the PREVIOUSLY ON…. recap. But if you’re not that familiar with the show or characters those things never make sense. You’re saying, “Huh? Who’s that? She’s going to get even with who? Where are we?” I’m especially surprised Netflix only gave out five selected episodes of ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT. Huh???  From what I hear, it’s next to impossible to follow this year’s storyline if you watch every episode. Watching random segments would make my head explode.

But at the end of the day, I’m just grateful to be receiving these screeners at all. As the saying goes beggers can’t be choosers although in this case we are. And I have nominated quite a few shows and artists I would not have otherwise had I not seen their screener.  This year it's HOUSE OF CARDS.  They sent the entire season and I am now sooo hooked.  I'll be voting for it in several categories. 

Look, the Emmys are not a just system. Deserving shows and people get stiffed while other lesser-works get nominated solely for their reputation. But the picks are getting better. Would the wondrous Margo Martindale have won her Emmy for JUSTIFIED without screeners? I highly doubt it. So for that reason alone it’s a worthy practice. Now please, PBS, send me the Carole King Gershwin Award special.

Coming this Fall

As a former showrunner of new shows, one of my constant battles was with the network promotion department. The network never aired enough promos of our show to suit me. I’m sure all showrunners say this (except maybe the WHITNEY guys two years ago – I’m surprised NBC isn’t still promoting it even after canceling it).

And when networks do run your promo, in which show do they air it in? Getting a pop on THE VOICE is way better than SAVE ME. Every new comedy on ABC wants exposure on MODERN FAMILY, not MALIBU COUNTRY. And of course promoting your show on Saturday night is like someone making announcements in an empty theater.

Also, do you get a :30 second promo or :10? Do you get your own promo or are you just lumped in with the rest of that night’s lineup? (although the Sunday night promo ABC did last year was smashing!)

Now at least there are promos and trailers of all the new shows on network websites. So if there’s a particular show you’re curious about you don’t have to wait for ABC to run a promo in HOW TO LIVE WITH YOUR PARENTS. But the big “get” is the new viewer, the one unaware of your show. And still the best exposure is over the air (at least for now).  

One of the reasons why networks soo overpay to carry NFL football is that (a) the games attract viewers who don’t normally watch your network, and (b) viewers are watching a live sporting event so they can’t fast forward through the commercials.  They’ll actually see your promo.

Getting your new show noticed is even harder today because there is such a glut of them. So many networks, so many shows, so many staggered premiers. In the old days (when dinosaurs ruled the earth and Joan Rivers had her original face) we waited all summer with great anticipation for the new TV season. We lived for the promos. In late summer the networks (only three of them back then and fire was still a new concept) would stage special preview shows where they screened clips of all their new series. These specials generally were the highest rated shows of the week. NBC called their premier period NBC WEEK and sent out souvenir booklets. I wrote away for one every year. The day it arrived was always a big day (and yes, I had no life). I would guess that more people sent away for that booklet in 1965 than actually watch NBC today.

Exactly what the network chooses to show in the promo is another bone of contention. They tend to give away plot surprises and feature jokes that make no sense out of context. Yes, they got big laughs but you have to know who the characters are and what the set up was. Promo people often see that a certain joke got the biggest laugh and use it. How many times have you seen a promo and gone “Huh? What the fuck was that?”

Sadly, the trend in hyping sitcoms today is to showcase the most crass jokes they can find. On my shows I tend to be very sparing on low road jokes. Every so often one will feel appropriate to the scene or situation and I’ll let it go, but I always cringe when I see it on the air and always kick myself for not cutting it. I like to be proud of my work and I’m not proud of those easy laughs. And then when the network zeroes in on those jokes I really feel mortified. (Somehow I imagine producers of certain shows don't share my guilt over going with a cheap vagina joke.)

Pilots are incredibly hard to do well. You have to establish the premise, introduce the characters, tell a story, set the tone, and be funny – all in 22 minutes. Now imagine trying to accomplish all that when you only have :30 seconds. This is one of the big reasons why networks like to stack their new shows with established stars. You may not know what the show is about but Michael J. Fox is in it.

God forbid you don’t have an established name at the forefront of your series. Although the breakout hit shows generally feature new discoveries, networks prefer the safety of Will Arnett and Brad Garrett. So the star-driven shows will get more promos and hype. You may have a better show without stars but you’ll have a tougher go of things.

To a certain extent, the tail has always wagged the dog. How easily a show can be promoted is a major consideration for getting picked up. But hey, it’s like that in features too. I pitched a comedy screenplay once and the executive asked, “what are five great trailer moments?” Nothing about the story or characters – just trailer moments. What will the one-sheet (poster) look like? I guess the only difference is, in television the question is now: “What are two great trailer moments?”

Good luck to all the showrunners. You’re eight kittens fighting over the same sock. But it’s amazing how fast you go from “I’m just thrilled to be on the schedule!” to “I’m really getting screwed!”

The 101 Best Written TV Series

The WGA just announced its 101 BEST WRITTEN TV SERIES OF ALL TIME. Proud to say that shows I wrote for finished 5th (MASH), 8th (CHEERS), 11th (THE SIMPSONS) and 23rd (FRASIER). We’ll never know if they would have ranked higher had I not written for them. But seriously, I’d consider it a tremendous honor just to be associated with one show on this list, much less four. And to have all four in the top 25. Wow.

Here is the complete list.

Some random thoughts:

I wonder how many writers who have contributed so much to the success of these gold standard shows can’t get work today.

Anytime you put a list together and rank them you’re going to get disagreement. Especially when you’re combining genres. You have BAND OF BROTHERS just above LAUGH IN. How often is SESAME STREET and OZ on the same chart?  Personally, I think FRASIER should  have been higher but I'm not exactly an objective bystander. 

I have no quarrel with any of the top ten. Yes, there are some other shows equally as deserving, but I can’t think of one of the chosen ten I’d slide down to accommodate something else.

Shows from the early days of television generally don’t get their due. Voters aren’t as familiar with them, don’t take into consideration their impact at the time, and don’t appreciate them as much because styles change and they now may seem dated. YOUR SHOW OF SHOWS was not only hugely popular in its day, it was a major reason why many people bought their first televisions. It helped create the industry. And yet it’s ranked only 41. Another example: LATE NIGHT with David Letterman made it but THE TONIGHT SHOW with Johnny Carson didn’t? Not to mention THE TONIGHT SHOW with Steve Allen.

When I was a radio DJ in the ‘70s, stations would often ask listeners to send in their three favorite all-time songs and they would be compiled for a BEST 300 SONGS OF ALL-TIME countdown (usually on holiday weekends). We’d receive thousands of post cards. And the songs most listed were the current hits. Really? Your favorite all-time song is “The Night Chicago Died?” So what we did was just throw out all the post cards and make up the list ourselves. At least the WGA survey was put together by industry writers. Otherwise, THE VOICE might be considered the best written series.

There will always be slights. Personally, I thought WINGS was better written than a number of the sitcoms that did make the list. Same with BUFFALO BILL, RHODA, BECKER, and MAUDE. I’m sure one or two of your all-time faves that didn’t make the cut. But if the chart was the top 202 BEST WRITTEN TV SERIES there would still be four deserving ones left off.

I was thrilled that some shows that weren’t mega hits still found their way onto the list. MY SO CALLED LIFE for one.

I wouldn’t know where to place SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE because there were years it was the best written show on television and years it was the worst.

And finally, if there are shows on this list that you are not familiar with, treat yourself.  Seek them out.  I hope THE DEFENDERS is available somewhere.  But between Netflix, Hulu, Amazon, and a number of nostalgia channels like Cozi, MeTV, and Antenna TV you should be able to track a fair number of these gems down.

And once again.  It's an honor to be among the exceptional writers whose work appears on this list. Even the ones who can't get arrested. 

The one Kickstarter celebrity campaign I can support

I know I've been down on actors taking advantage of their notoriety to get money from fans on Kickstarter, but suddenly a project has come along that's so important, so VITAL that even I have to change my tune.

Zosia and Clara Mamet, daughters of poverty stricken playwright, David Mamet, need $32,000 to make a music video of their original song.  Zosia, of course, is one of the girls on GIRLS and even had Lena Dunham tweet all her millions of followers urging them to contribute to this most worthy cause.

Get a Kleenex ready when you hear this.   Zosia (who obviously makes no money co-starring in an HBO series) and her sister need a way to bond.  And they thought a great way to do that is make a $32,000 music video together of an original song that they wrote and sang.   And here's the part that will melt your heart -- it's not for them -- it's a way to share their music with YOU.   How can you not love these selfless waifs?

Now here's the shocking thing:  even with such a noble cause, even with Lena Dunham's endorsement, they've raised like $1,000 from forty-one backers.  VERONICA MARS raised more than two million in that same amount of time.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

HAVE YOU NO HEART?

Clearly, there is no other way in the world for these two sisters to bond!  Otherwise, why would they possibly ask YOU to give them your money?   Plus, they're only half-sisters.  Doesn't that make it all the more poignant?   Half-sisters for godsakes!

What's that you say?  They're privileged girls from a well-to-do heavily-connected family and their song is trite and sounds like it was written in a matter of minutes (which they admit it was)?  You're missing the point.  They wanna. 

The campaign ends June 9th.  Here is their Kickstarter video.  Listen to passion in their voices, listen to their emotional plea, listen to their music.  And if you're like me, if you have even an ounce of humanity and love for your fellow man, you'll give generously so that these girls have something to do one afternoon.

RIP Jean Stapleton

There would be no ALL IN THE FAMILY without Jean Stapleton. Edith Bunker passed away yesterday at age 90. Archie Bunker – played so masterfully by Caroll O’Connor – was the most bigoted, crude character television comedy had ever seen (up until that time). Forget how funny he was. The audience needs some cue to know it’s okay to laugh. Otherwise, they just hate him and that’s that. O’Connor couldn’t provide that. How could he when he was calling everybody spics and heebs and worse? Yes, there was the other side of Archie. He was a man panicked because the only world he knew was changing and he had no idea what his place in it would be. But audiences could just as easily say, “So what? We all have our issues. We don’t go around blaming everyone else for our problems. You’re just an asshole.”

So why did we accept Archie Bunker?

Because Edith loved him. Because the person with the kindest heart on the planet knew he wasn’t really hateful, he was just railing. We loved her and if she loved him then he couldn’t be so bad after all.

Archie called her a dingbat but as I’ve said many times in this blog, it takes great smarts to play dumb. Look at Gracie Allen and Judy Holliday. Both made careers playing dumb and both had IQ’s off the charts. Jean Stapleton was as sharp as they came. Her comic timing and delivery was impeccable. And she was such an accomplished actress that she could still sell the emotion and make it real. She could make you laugh and pull at your heartstrings – all at the same time. That’s a remarkable accomplishment. The greatest writer in the world can’t make that happen unless the actor can. Jean Stapleton was a treasure.   We laughed at Archie and tolerated Archie but we adored Edith.

And Edith Bunker was but one of her many roles in an illustrious career that began when she was only 18. So many memorable performances. Her portrayal of Eleanor Roosevelt was bravura, and could there be two more divergent characters than Eleanor Roosevelt and Edith Bunker?

I never had the pleasure of meeting her. I have no personal recollections. She was always highly regarded, and (from what I understand) a dream to work with. She won three Emmys and numerous other awards. She was recognized in her time. But I don’t think she’ll be fully appreciated for what she did. She alone was the key to the success of ALL IN THE FAMILY.

RIP Jean Stapleton. You will never be stifled in our hearts.

It was 46 years ago today...

...that the Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club album by the Beatles was released. Here's what I said about it in my book (which you could and SHOULD buy here for a ridiculously low price): 

It's June 1, 1967 and I'm a teenager working at Wallichs Music City, a record store in the San Fernando Valley...

In June a ton of boxes from Capital Records arrived. Inside was the new Beatles album – Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. Hurriedly, we put it on in the store and I was completely knocked out by it. So innovative and original and groundbreaking. It’s hard to believe how much they had grown as musicians. Just three years ago they were singing, “She Loves You/ Yeah Yeah Yeah” and now they’re doing “Day in the Life” complete with its complex arrangement, full orchestra, and audio effects never before heard. Music historians will tell you this was the album that defined psychedelic rock and maybe the decade itself. All I know is this: we played Sgt. Pepper’s continuously that summer. Nothing else. Just Sgt. Pepper’s. I must’ve heard it 500 times that summer, maybe a thousand.

And I never got tired of it.

Still to this day, I could listen to Sgt. Pepper’s on a continuous loop. I can’t say that about any other album I’ve ever heard.

Sgt. Pepper also generated a fair amount of controversy because of its lyrics. There was much speculation that there were drug references hidden in them; “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” – LSD being the most obvious. Drug reference lyrics became the rage in this period. The Jefferson Airplane’s “White Rabbit,” Jimi Hendrix’s “Purple Haze” are just two of many examples. Donovan made a career out of stringing non-sequiturs together that people interpreted as deeply meaningful.

Electrical bananas are sure to be the very next phase.

They weren't.  But Sgt. Pepper's is still a best-selling album/CD/download/rip today.   Worth revisiting.   Or discovering for the first time.  Plug in a banana, have a toke, and enjoy.

When my mind (and everything else) was in the sewer

Here's an episode of JUST SHOOT ME I directed. Things to look for: Lisa Edelstein guests. I had an orangutan to deal with, a water stunt, and a special glow-in-the-dark effect. All in front of a studio audience.

The orangutan was somewhat unpredictable. You'd give him an acting note and he'd forget it. I told the cast to just stay in character if he did anything bizarre, and I told the camera crew that if they saw him doing something strange stay on him -- don't go to your next mark. I can always come back and pick it up later. As a result we caught some magic. My favorite moments are the monkey dragging a chair and looking up Wendie's dress.

After the audience left I had planned to do a bunch of pick ups with the orangutan and his trainer said I had about ten minutes because it was nearing his bedtime.  I asked, "What happens if he stays up past his bedtime?"  The answer: "He gets mad and bites everybody."   Ohhh-kay.  Ed Wood never directed scenes so fast. 

It's a fun episode written by Andy Gordon & Eileen Conn, called (appropriately enough) "Sewer."

The dumbest Friday Questions I've received

Sometimes I get bizarre questions so I thought today I’d try to answer some of them.  Names have been withheld to protect the embarrassed. These were actual questions submitted.  NOTE:  I post these in the spirit of fun, not to be mean-spirited (which is why I'm not identifying anyone).  I love your questions and answer them every week.  But I do get some goofy ones and people are always asking me to share some of those.  My answers are tongue-in-cheek.   So please, just have fun with this.  

Question one:

I've noticed that when a character is writing something he (or she) is usually left handed. I don't know why I notice this or why it bothers me. My question is, is this my imagination?

No, you’re correct. Research has shown that audiences prefer left handed penmanship. So if the actor is right handed they just flip the film. Congratulations on being the first viewer to ever spot this phenomenon.

Question two:

Have there been porn parodies of any of the shows you've worked and, if so, have you seen them?

Yes, but I haven’t seen them. I prefer pornographic parodies of procedurals. My favorites are BONE and CS&M.

Question three:

I was at a casino recently and saw a "Cheers" slot machine. You getting anything from that?

I’m getting as much as I’m making on the porn CHEERS.

Question four:

As a baseball announcer maybe you can answer this – is there an inning where not a lot happens and you can go to the bathroom or concession stands without missing too much?

Any inning the Houston Astros bat.

Question five:

When is the best time to pitch a show? Time of year, time of day, day of the week?

Summer. 11:13 AM. Second Tuesday of the month.

Question six:

Do you like killing characters?

What writer doesn’t?

Question seven:

It seems alot of people that have recurring roles on series have been popping up as guest stars on other series (Peter/Neil from White Collar on Body of Proof/The New Normal as an example). I never really noticed that much before, is there any reason why it seems to be happening now?

Yes.  Actors like to eat.

Question eight:

Ken, I recently read an article in Entertainment Weekly about the drop in sex scenes in mainstream Hollywood movies. I'm curious as to your thoughts on this trend.

Until I get royalties on the porn version of CHEERS, I’m against it.

Question nine:

An Anyday Question for you:
Have you ever written into a script someone breaking an object during a scene? A glass window, chair, or whatever?

Yes, but unlike killing actors, I get no real satisfaction out of it.

Question ten (this is a FRASIER question… I assume):

Did Eddie have actors that he preferred working with?

Kelsey Grammer because they both went to Julliard. Eddie, however, graduated.

What’s your question? Please leave it in the comments file. Woof.

STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS: my review

No SPOILER ALERT necessary. A lot of space stuff happens and you go home. There are thrilling chases, battle scenes, destruction, beaming, dogfights, malfunctions, and grabbing railings at the last second but I won’t divulge in which occur.

STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS is a fun ride with great special effects. I just wish they had had half the budget. Maybe then they would have spent more time focused on the interactions of the characters and less on explosions. Whoever insures these spacecrafts for the star fleet would go out of business in one year even if they insisted on a billion dollar deductible. But my point is the real fun in this movie was the personal bickering, bantering, and ethical discussions among the crewmembers. Spock & Uhara could be next century’s Sam & Diane.

Happily, you don’t have to be a Trekkie to enjoy this film. There are a lot of nods to Trekkie fans, but it’s not like starting to watch MAD MEN for the first time now.

I’m going to say something now that might cause me an avalanche of angry comments but with the exception of Leonard Nimoy, I think everyone in this new cast is better than the original actors who played the parts in the '60s (and later movies). And Zachary Quinto was terrific too but Leonard Nimoy IS Mr. Spock. Here’s the test: When you’re watching this movie, especially during the emotional moments, try to picture a young William Shatner in the part. The hamming would be at warp speed.  Chris Pine is a much better Kirk and Simon Pegg practically steals the movie as Scotty.

Action movies traditionally live and die by how good their villain is and director J.J. Abrams and writers Robert Orci, Alex Kurtzman, and LOST veteran Damon Lindelof have selected a great one. Benedict Cumberbatch (Shelock Holmes in the British series, as opposed to the CBS version where he’s just a procedural tool or the recent movie version where he’s Rambo). He’s a worthy adversary and always fascinating on the screen. He’s evil but you’d love to go out and get a drink with him.

A nice addition to this edition is Alice Eve. She’s very hot and the filmmakers weren’t above featuring a completely gratuitous scene of her in her underwear. I thought I heard one Trekkie in the theater say, “I am getting such a hard-on” in Klingon.

I have to say that although this STAR TREK was enjoyable I didn’t find it as good as the last one. Reboots always have the advantage of starting from the beginning, establishing the relationships, putting everything in place. By the sequels everyone is just going out on new adventures. (An exception was the second Chris Nolan BATMAN, which I thought was better than the first. But that had Heath Ledger as the Joker.)

The plot of this TREK was a lot of “let’s do this” and then “let’s go here” and then “now that we’re here let’s do that.” I hope the crew is well-paid because there are always danger sirens going off, pieces of the ship exploding, and unlucky crew members being sucked out into space. For that kind of constant peril they might as well just work for Amtrak. At least they could go home on nights they weren't killed.

If you’re looking for good summer escapist fare STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS is just your dish. But I wish the next sequel took place during a gas shortage and the starship Enterprise was stuck on the planet Zeron 9 for two months and we just got to watch everybody hang out. Think of how much cheaper that would be to produce and how much sooner the movie would take to go into profits. STAR TREK INTO BLACK.

My thoughts on the first ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT episode

Since a lot of you wondered.

I was never a super big ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT fan. Found it very funny in spots and trying too hard in others. I re-watched a few episodes of the original series to get myself re-acquainted and found them even better than I had remembered. I’ll be honest – I’m not a Will Arnett fan. Never been. Find him sketchy and not funny in anything he’s in. So that’s a problem. But everyone else can make me laugh in the right bit. Okay, not so much Portia but everyone else.

I thought the first new episode showed promise but was waaaaay too convoluted. So much narration and legal jargon – I couldn’t follow it, nor did I care. I was also confused by the time frame. Seems to me they posted SIX MONTHS EARLIER and in that period Michael built an entire housing development and it went bust? Try getting a contractor to build a shelf in less than a year.  I laughed at a bunch of things, LOVED the whole airport sequence, was glad to see the characters back, and like all of you – wish there could have been more with everybody (although I understand the unique logistical problems they had during production).

I understand that everything ultimately pays off, and I applaud them for how ambitious the storytelling apparently is, especially considering all the limitations they had to work around. But as a casual fan, episode one didn’t compel me to quickly watch all of the rest. Frankly, I get a little scared when I hear “if you can get through the first two hours it starts to pick up…”

I may catch up to them at some point, but the show is not targeted to me. It’s targeted to the hardcore fans and for them it seems to deliver. So I say to all ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT fanatics, have at it and enjoy every last throwaway line and delicious inside moment. As the slogan goes, “This one’s for YOU.”

Waiter-speak

Is there a language course waiters are required to take these days? Must they pass Waiter-speak before being hired? Who started this current trend where waiters are no longer allowed to converse like normal people? If it were one or two I’d say it was an affectation but they all talk like this now – as if there were a handbook. Maybe this is just an L.A. phenomenon, you tell me. And if you are one of these waiters, would you let me know your side of things? Perfect!

Whatever you ask for now is “perfect!” Salt, a cheeseburger with onions, a cheeseburger without onions. “I just stabbed my date to death and need another knife. “Perfect!”

There’s a formality that is now the standard.

A waitress will take my companion’s drink order then turn to me and say: “And for yourself?” I then must say: “Get myself a beer please.”

No longer can a waiter ask, “Ready to order?” Now it’s “Have we decided?” “Yes, I’ll have what you’re having.”

They use “we” a lot.

The variation is: “So what are we thinking?” “You need your teeth fixed before you go out on more auditions. I’ll have the halibut.”

The only time they don’t say “we” is when they’re reading the specials and then it seems like they own the restaurant and are the chef as well because they’ll say, “Tonight I’m featuring…” Sometimes they do this in a fake accent. You can just picture their headshots and resumes. Special skills: foreign accents, baton twirling, yodeling.

They’re forbidden to ask how you want something cooked. Instead: “What temperature would you like?” “Gee, I’m not sure. 423 degrees or 425?” “Perfect!”

When serving they are now required to say, “Please excuse my reach.” In some places, like Tilted Kilts, that's the only reason you do order food.

And this is a relatively new thing that has caught on quickly: “Are we enjoying the first few bites?” Who started that? And woe be the maverick waiter who asks: “Is everything okay?” Now it’s “Is everything outstanding?” Imagine asking that question with a straight face at the Olive Garden?

When they want to be specific waiters now inquire: “Is the veal to your liking?” It’s as if Boyd Crowder wrote the handbook.

After the meal there are two options. “Did we save some room for dessert?” or “Can we tempt you with something sweet?” Either way you want to trip them so they'll fall into a pie.

The bottom line: real people don’t talk like that! But it's great if you're a screenwriter.  As a writer I’m forever fascinated by dialogue. And in crafting a script, giving a character a certain turn of phrase can greatly help the actor define him. Good writers are great listeners. “Thanks and you have a lovely rest of the day.” 

UPDATE:  As per your request, writing my review of the first ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT.  Will post it soon.

Behind the Candleabra -- my review

BEHIND THE CANDELABRA, now playing on HBO, is LA CAGE AUX FOLLES meets BOOGIE NIGHTS. It’s at times hilarious, creepy, fascinating, and horrifying. But let’s be real. You’re not tuning in because you have so many unanswered questions about Liberace. Many of you don’t even know who Liberace is (or was more accurately). You’re curious as to whether Michael Douglas can pull off playing a flamboyant queen and Matt Damon can convincingly play his boy toy.

I’m happy to say the answer is a resounding yes.

But if you are tuning in to see a freak show you will be disappointed.  There have been numerous TV biopics about Liberace and they all came off like giant cheesefests. Campy, ridiculous, and boring after ten minutes. I think the difference here is that Michael and Matt commit totally to their roles. Never is there a wink. Never are they channeling Ru Paul.

Credit to director Steven Soderbergh and screenwriter Richard LaGravenese – they somehow produced a movie that feels grounded and real despite the most outrageous costumes, over-the-top characters, and settings that Caligula would find too ostentatious. It’s a stereotype mine field that they seem to hop scotch through without blowing themselves up.

Another delight awaits you too. Rob Lowe as the gay plastic surgeon almost steals the film. When this guy stars in something I’m never interested, but when he plays a small supporting role like in THANK YOU FOR SMOKING or this, he’s an absolute riot. I guess what I’m saying is I love Rob Lowe when he plays anything other than Rob Lowe. But I digress…

For those not really familiar with Liberace (a good test: if you think his name is pronounced Liber-ace you do not know who he is), here’s a thumbnail: Liberace (pronounced:  Libber-ah-chee) was a flamboyant piano player who rose to fame in the ‘50s with a TV show. He always had a candelabra on his piano and wore flashy glam suits. He was Elton John for ‘50s housewives. He actually was an excellent musician, but first and foremost he was a showman. He sported fur jackets with thirty-foot trains. Try finding those at T.J. Max.

The movie makes reference to Liberace successfully suing a London tabloid for claiming he was gay. Either Liberace had the greatest attorney in legal history or the London jury was worse than the O.J. jury because no one on the planet Earth, including barnyard animals, believed he was straight. I was six and I knew he was gay… and I didn’t know what gay meant.

I have two personal Liberace memories. The first dates way back to when he owned a mansion in the San Fernando Valley. I was probably seven or eight. I was visiting a friend who lived near his place and we hiked up there to see if it was really true that he had a swimming pool in the shape of a piano. It was true. I was blown away. That was the coolest thing EVER. He wasn’t there that day. At the time I was disappointed, but in retrospect I was probably lucky. I might’ve seen things no third grader should ever see.

In the mid ‘70s he owned a mansion above the Sunset Strip. When he moved out to Las Vegas he decided to turn it into the Liberace Museum. Old ladies would gather at a spot on Sunset to be shuttled up there. At the time I worked across the street at the KiiS Broadcasting Workshop. One day the group KISS was at the station doing a promotion. Afterwards they decided to go to the museum. So standing in line with blue-haired old ladies was Gene Simmons and KISS in full costume. I wonder if Gene got in for free. Y’know, professional courtesy.

I’d be surprised if both Michael Douglas and Matt Damon don’t get Emmy nominations. Soderbergh will get one for sure because the Academy is in awe of any successful feature director. Hopefully LaGravenese will be recognized as well. To find the real person inside the aggrandized image he had to dig and dig and dig. And dig. Meanwhile, Rob Lowe is well on his way to becoming a gifted comic actor and Christopher Walken.

BEHIND THE CANDLEABRA is not for children, homophobes, or anyone who thinks Eric Stonestreet is too outlandish. But if you have an open mind or you never got to the Liberace Museum I recommend it. Gordon Gekko and Jason Bourne were never like this.

Nice article about me...

... in the Kirkus Review of books.  Print edition even.  Thanks to Matt Domino for making me come off sounding somewhat literary.   You can find it here.  

Look, I'm just happy they used a decent picture and gave a link to where you can buy my book. 

Thanks again.   It seems weird to say Happy Memorial Day so have an enjoyable Memorial Day while remembering the purpose of the holiday. 

Memorial Day -- and then staff work begins

Happy Memorial Day. This is the time of the year when writing staffs go back to work. If you’re an aspiring TV scribe, I hope someday that’ll be you. Here’s what you can sort of expect…at least on the comedy side.

The first week will just be sharing vacation stories, home remodeling nightmares, and trashing reality shows. You’ll go out for long lunches, bitch about how much other writers make, compare Prius prices, convince non-Mac using colleagues to finally wise up and get a Mac, and discuss the upcoming summer movie slate. My blog might come up. Half will like it, half will think it’s a piece of shit.

You’ll mosey back to the office, maybe talk in very general terms about the season ahead, some scattershot thoughts on characters and stories, then go home at 4.

Week two you’ll come in and the show runner will panic. He’ll realize you’re now hopelessly behind. From there you get to work, really delving into the characters, spitballing story areas, eventually breaking stories. You still go home at 4 but at least you’re getting something done.

Over the next few weeks the stories will be outlined, assigned, written, turned in, and rewritten by the staff. You start having lunch brought in, going home at 6…and then 7… and then 9. By the time you go into production in August you might have four scripts ready to go with a few others in the pipeline. And hopefully you’ll have seen every summer movie you wanted to see, made your vacation plans for next year, bought that Mac, remodeled that kitchen, fulfilled every dinner obligation, read all those books in your Kindle, caught up on my archives, and took pictures of sunsets so you’ll remember what they look like…because now the real fun begins.

The actors come in rested and the first day of production you’re ready to kill them. And so it begins.

Your first real break comes when you can say "Happy Thanksgiving".

Note:  for new writers these are all exciting steps, even the long nights.  Enjoy every minute of it.

#ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT is back

Okay, so I was one of those people who stayed up until midnight last night to see the premier of ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT on Netflix. How often does a season debut of a situation comedy qualify as an “event”? Quick! Name the new Ann Heche show that premiered last week! But the articles and interest on social networks for #ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT (everything has a hash tag these days) have been so huge I’ve even seen other writers acknowledged besides Mitch Hurwitz.

So I eagerly watched it. There were things I laughed at and loved and other things that I thought weighed the episode down. And then I read a review from a big AD aficionado and all the things I loved he had problems with and all the things I had trouble with he adored.

So instead of giving my review, I really want to hear what you thought. This is such an unusual situation because the expectations are soooo high. Especially among uber fans who have waited seven long years for this. I imagine most of the people who watched last night were these fans (especially in the east coast where it premiered at 3 AM – I wouldn’t watch the premier of my own show if that’s when it aired) so I ask – were you thrilled, disappointed, a little of both, or just relieved that Liza Minnelli didn’t get any scarier?

And for the more casual fan, curious viewer who just got sucked into the hype, or person who tried to download TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL but clicked the wrong box – what did you think? Did you say, “What is Kristen Wiig doing on the show in an avocado mask?” or were you laughing too hard to care? Would you keep watching? Did you keep watching?

How many episodes did you watch last night? Do you plan to binge and watch them all at one time or space them out? Do you plan to watch them in order? Were your expectations met? Does Portia look different to you? Are you in a foreign country and have no fucking clue what I’m talking about?  And finally -- what do you think of what other people think?

Thanks for chiming in. I look forward to your thoughts. And the new Ann Heche show is called SAVE IT or SAVE ME or SAVE… SOMETHING.  I dunno.  No hash tag necessary.