Infuriating rejections

Getting rejected is part of the game in Hollywood. For most of the time it IS the game. No one is immune. NBC once passed on Tom Cruise to star in a pilot. I consulted on a pilot that rejected Annette Bening. ABC demanded a series be recast to replace Tim Robbins. Chuck Lorre has unsold pilots. So does Woody Allen.   Jennifer Hudson got booted off AMERICAN IDOL. You get the idea.

My writing partner, David Isaacs, and I have had our share of rejections over the years. But every so often we'll get one that really gets our attention because of the explanation. Here are a few.   If you've been in the business for more than twenty minutes you probably have six examples of your own. 

We did a pilot once for NBC. We turned it in and they said, “This is exactly what we’re looking for.” We were feeling great.  A few days later they passed. Their explanation: “This was exactly what we were looking for… last week.”

I once wrote a spec screenplay. A studio executive rejected it, but said, “The writing was so good it almost fooled me into liking this movie.” Gee, thanks.

A pilot we developed for Fox was rejected as being “too NBC.” At the time NBC was the gold standard for comedies and Fox was a mess.  So I guess that was a compliment... maybe?

Early in our career ABC came to us to develop a family pilot. We did. They rejected it. Why? Because they had also developed one with Erma Bombeck but she had a commitment. So ABC said to us, “If it’s any consolation, yours was much better.” No. Not really.

Very early in our career we had a two-pilot deal at NBC. They had to produce at least one of the two scripts. They chose to greenlight the first. The pilot process was a struggle, filled with “creative differences.” The show didn’t get on the air (losing out to PINK LADY AND JEFF), but we still had another script commitment. So we worked with them, developed a new project, turned it in, and the VP of Comedy Development called us to say, “Wow. Guys. I’m really impressed. You guys really put a lot of effort into this even though you had to know there was no way we were going to make it.” Again, thanks.  Were we pros or schmucks?

When Les Moonves pulled the plug on ALMOST PERFECT he told me “it was the best show he ever cancelled.” Yes, on one hand that’s gratifying, but on the other – seriously??? (I’m still waiting for the reverse – someone to say, “This is the worst thing I ever bought.”)

No matter how you get rejected, the key is to shake it off and move forward. I’m not saying it doesn’t sting, or was fair, but you have to rise above it. You don’t have to sell everything. Just enough. And if you do sell enough and become hot enough, then suddenly everybody will want to buy all the stuff they had rejected.   Even the stuff that wasn't "the best." 

UPDATE:  I will post tomorrow my reflections on the tragic death of Robin Williams.  I need some time to process it.  My heart goes out to his family and millions of fans.

A hilarious news anchor faux pas

You'd like to think Edward R. Murrow would not have made this mistake. Here's WCAU Philadelphia anchor Lori Wilson reporting on "shaving her muff."  Don't they teach "muff" in journalism school?

Only in LA

Winning awards is sooo important, so VITAL that studios and network launch big campaigns.  It used to be full page ads in industry trades.  But now it's literally billboards.   There are not that many Emmy voters, and I don't quite see how a billboard will sway a member to vote for your show, but okay.

Except...  that this is all money that could be put to better use -- like hiring more writers, or allowing assistants to park on the lot for free.  Between the elaborate screener presentations and now billboards -- you could probably get an Aaron Sorkin for what all of that nonsense cost. 

I imagine you don't see a "For Your Consideration" ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK billboard in Kansas City or Fort Wayne.  

And by the way, it's not just Netflix staging these campaigns.  

Sometimes actors get ads included as part of their deals.  My favorite was once seeing a full-page ad in Variety that said:  "For Your Consideration for Best Actor in a Motion Picture -- DeForest Kellwy as Bones in STAR TREK 2. "  Seriously? 

Only in LA. 

How TV stars become movie stars

It's not easy to make the jump.  Many flame out.  Jason Bateman is crossing over.  Jennifer Aniston did it a few years ago and is still making movies. 

But it got me thinking about other TV vets who crossed the great divide and made it big in features. The one that jumps to mind immediately is James Cromwell. Terrific actor. Can play anything. But for years he just knocked around as a goofy character actor on TV. He was “Jamey” Cromwell then. We used him a couple of times on MASH and he was terrific. But I remember once when casting a pilot his name came up and my partner and I said, “he’s good but Jesus, haven’t we seen him like a million times? Isn’t there anyone else more fresh?”. Today we’d be lucky if he’d read one of our scripts.

Anyway, there are many other examples from George Clooney to Morgan Freeman, Clint Eastwood, Steve McQueen, Goldie Hawn, Thomas Hayden Church, Woody Harrelson, and I'm sure you can list ten others. But for every one who makes it, there are also a hundred David Caruso's and Matt LeBlanc's who don't. Why?

I don’t know. The X-Factor. Movie stars have a presence, a danger, a glow. There is something riveting about them. They can surprise you. They can command the big screen.

And they’re incredibly lucky. They happened to be in a hit. Again, going back to Jamey Cromwell. He gets a call from his agent:

Agent: Listen, I think I got something for you.

Jamey: (excited) A guest spot on WEBSTER?

Agent: Better.

Jamey: Wow! What?

Agent: A movie.

Jamey: Really! Fantastic!

Agent: Yeah, it’s a great story. There’s this pig that wants to be a sheepdog and he goes to live with this…

Jamey: Wait, wait. Back up a minute. A pig?

Agent: Cutest one you’ve ever seen.

Jamey: Brother. And what do I play?

Agent: The farmer.

Jamey: Who does what?

Agent: Who enters the pig in a sheepdog contest.

Jamey: Do I have a lot of lines?

Agent: Yes, but not as many as the pig.

Jamey: See if you can get me a callback on that WEBSTER.

Agent: No, no, you’re not hearing me. This could be a huge mainstream movie. And of the humans, you have the most to do.

Jamey (wavering): Well… it would be good to be in a big summer blockbuster.

Agent: Great. They film in Australia.

Jamey: Huh? How mainstream can this be if we film it in Australia?

Agent: I dunno. They got a deal on the pigs.

Jamey: Don’t Levine & Isaacs have a pilot? I mean, if I’m going to stoop…

Agent: Sorry. Nothing this season. I think the industry is starting to wise up about those two hacks. And I’m afraid WEBSTER isn’t going to happen. I’ve been holding this from you but Alex Karras doesn’t think you’re a good actor.

Jamey: Alex Karras? I’m not good enough for Alex Karras? Okay. Fine. I’ll do the fucking pig movie.

Agent: That’s great! Fantastic! Except…

Jamey: Except what? I lose the audience’s sympathy by eating my co-star?

Agent: No, it’s just that… you don’t have it yet. They’re going to want a screen test

Jamey: A screen test?! Why? They know what I’ve done. Just watch any episode of LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE. I must’ve played eighteen farmers.

Agent: Yeah, but they… they kinda want to see if there’s any chemistry between you and the uh… your little pink co-star… who by the way, would get billing under you. I negotiated that. It wasn’t easy but I got it. (Off Jamey’s silence) Look, you’re right. I’ll find something else. Let me check the cop shows. See which ones you weren’t killed in and I’ll call them again.

Jamey: (resigned) No, no. What the hell? Set up a meeting with the pig.

Cromwell was nominated for an Academy Award for his role in BABE and went on to terrific roles in many top movies including L.A. CONFIDENTIAL.  If Matthew Perry's new series (THE ODD COUPLE) doesn't catch on I think he'll be on the phone to agent saying, "Scare me up a pig." 

Friday Questions

As the summer rolls on, so do Friday Questions.

Max gets us started.

Are there any actors you have worked with over the years and were absolutely blown away by their talent...but they never "made it"? Is that common, or do the truly exceptional actors generally rise to the top eventually?

I could give you names but you’ve never heard of them.

Timing and luck does play a big part in success. George Clooney, for example, knocked around doing pilot after pilot. He was lucky enough to get ER and it launched him into stardom. If someone else got that role, who knows?

I’ve always felt that way about Nancy Travis. She’s a truly gifted actress and comedienne and certainly has made a nice career for herself, but I always felt that had Nancy been in a breakout movie or smash TV show she would be fighting Sandra Bullock for Oscar nominations.

Yes, there are performers who are just so spectacular that success is a given – singers like Barbra Streisand – but for the most part it’s a combination of talent and luck. You need that big break. Of course, should that big break come you need to deliver.

mmryan314 asks:

I realize that confidentiality agreements abound in celebrity world. How constrained are you from writing about stars and others that you have personally worked with on shows?

I’ve never been asked to sign a confidentiality agreement. I try to be candid in this blog when discussing industry people I’ve worked with, but if I say something unflattering about someone I either have the facts to back it up or state clearly that this is just my opinion. Bottom line: I’ve never viewed this blog as a forum for getting back at anyone.  And I take much greater joy praising someone than knocking them. 

I also feel it’s important to show discretion when dealing with celebrities’ private lives. So much misinformation gets spread and once it’s on the internet you can bet it winds up on Wikipedia or fifteen other websites.

I always honor anything said to me in confidence. Don’t come here expecting a scoop or anything particularly juicy.

Matt P wonders:

Ballpark -- how many pilots have you created but not had picked up? One a year or something like that?

Jesus, that would be over thirty pilots that got rejected. Happy to say, it's much less than that. Probably seven or eight. But we were paid for all of them so don't feel too sorry for us.

Pilots don’t get picked up for any number of reasons.  Next Monday I do a post about infuriating rejections.

Bad casting choices can kill a pilot faster than anything else. And with networks now pretty much dictating casting, you’re somewhat at the mercy of someone else making the final selections that will determine your cast and your fate. (as opposed to cast your fate to the wind)

Other times pilots don’t get picked up because the network person buying the project is not in sync with his superior. So you do all the work, address all the notes, and then the person-in-charge says “I don’t want to do a show about such-and-such.”  At which point you're dead.

But as the expression goes, “it’s the business we chose.”

From Brian:

How do you feel about watching a program with subtitles on? If you happened to watch a program with them on (maybe with somebody that needed them) would it detract from the dialog of the actors for you?

There are some shows where the actors mumble the dialog to the point where I have no idea what they’re saying. That’s right, Kiefer, I’m looking at you. I need the closed captions just to decipher English.

But otherwise, no. I do find them distracting.

And then you have that NBC summer show, WELCOME TO SWEDEN, that has subtitles right in the show. Personally, I find them annoying.

Ed from South Bend has a question about Brandon Tartikoff.

He is sainted in the industry by many creative. Yes, he stood for quality more than most, yet he also was given a longer leash than most (By Tinker??).

What say you? Any personal dealings you could recount?

I did an entire post about my relationship with Brandon. You can find it here.

What's your Friday Question?

Ruffled Peacock feathers

Yesterday's discussion of failed pilots led blog reader Todd Everett mentioning the Preview House on Sunset Blvd. where pilots used to be audience tested.  I know it well.  In 1974 during one of my many out-of-work periods as a disc jockey, I worked in the research department of NBC.  This was during pilot season.  I got to see the process firsthand... and cause a major shitstorm that rose to the level of network president.  More about that in a minute.

As Todd noted, a Mr. Magoo cartoon was shown first to get a sense of how lively the audience was.  At the time we were told this was particular cartoon had never been released so audience members were seeing it for the first time.  That's assuming no audience member ever went to the Preview House twice, and based on the sorry batch we showed them that year, I don't know why any of them would ever want to return. 

The pilot I remember most was FRAUD SQUAD starring Frank Sinatra Jr.  This was a spin off of ADAM 12 (produced by Jack Webb) and to this day I believe it was the worst testing show in history. Not only did the audience not like Frank Sinatra Jr. as the head of the LAPD Fraud Squad, they felt he was dishonest,   That's not good for the lead in a crime stopper show.   Others we tested included DOCTOR DOMINGO with Desi Arnaz (trading in Lucy for a talking parrot), the THE BOB CRANE SHOW (Crane goes back to college, coeds beware). NBC was in a big slump and their development slate was a pack of dogs. 

Now the major incident I caused.

One night during this testing period NBC aired a MOW called “A Case of Rape” starring Elizabeth Montgomery. It got huge numbers. So as a goof I wrote an internal memo to the research department recommending NBC do this as a weekly series.  Hey, I was a kid. 

Well, somehow the memo got out and was released to all department heads including the President of the network, Marvin Antonowsky. He was known as the “Mad Programmer”. Probably that incident is how he got his name. Marvin went bat shit. I was summoned to his office to make a formal apology. Wisely, I did not take that opportunity to drop off my spec script.

My tenure at NBC ended a couple of weeks later when I got a disc jockey job in Detroit. And that ended my venture into the corporate world. But who knows? If I didn’t make that faux pas maybe I would have risen up through the ranks. After 40 years I bet I'd be Vice President of Children’s Programming today.

What happens to failed pilots?

Only two more days to buy the Kindle version of my comic novel MUST KILL TV for only $0.99.  You save 90%.  It's a great way to help support this free blog and get lots of laughs for under a buck.  Here's where you go.  But hurry.  Sale ends tomorrow.  Thanks for making me a Best Seller.  I need it way more than Carl Hiaasen.  

And now today's post...

Here’s one of those Friday Questions that became an entire post.

Chris asks:

I never knew what happens to a rejected pilot. Can't you pitch it the next year or a couple of years from when it got shot down? I mean, if you think the idea is good enough to write a pilot and try to make a show out of it, wouldn't you want to keep trying? Has this ever happened or do people just move on and never look back? And if so, why?

Most failed pilots just die and are never heard from again. Back in the ‘60s and ‘70s networks would recoup some of their production costs by airing them in the summer. From their perspective it was original program and saved them some coin. The industry nickname for this practice was “Failure Theater.” We had a pilot that aired on NBC at 11:30 PM on Sunday night in 1980, and I bet more people saw it than watched any episode of THE MICHAEL J. FOX SHOW.

Sometimes networks took heat when failed pilots were perceived as way better than the dreck they actually picked up. Networks do not like being embarrassed.

You may say, well then why don’t they just go ahead and order these shows to series if they were so well received? Because when you do a pilot you have a hold on the cast for a limited period. By the time these failed pilots aired those hold period were over and the actors had already scattered to do other things.

There have been instances where failed pilots have been shopped around and land on other networks. 3RD ROCK FROM THE SUN was made for ABC. They passed. NBC picked it up and it became a big hit. Networks soooo hate to be embarrassed that because of that and a few other similar examples, that there was a period in the ‘90s and early ‘00s when they would not release failed pilots. They’d rather just eat the money than see it become a hit elsewhere.

And then the economy changed. Belts were tightened, and networks realized that they hate to lose money more than they hate to be embarrassed. So they again agreed to release pilots. If another network is willing to pick up a failed pilot and compensate the production cost then God bless 'em.

Also, in today’s marketplace, networks are less willing to just junk a pilot they feel has potential. In quite a few cases lately, networks have re-developed pilots – recasting or commissioning new scripts. It seems like every year Jim Gaffigan has a pilot for CBS that almost gets on the schedule. Finally, his twice rejected CBS pilot was ordered to series by TV LAND.   BIG BANG THEORY was a do-over that finally got it right. I don’t remember the name, but one pilot that got picked up this year was a show that almost made the cut a year before.

But by far the most bizarre case of a failed pilot getting a second life is DEAR DIARY, a 1997 half-hour single camera sitcom starring Bebe Neuwirth. ABC passed, the production company (Dreamworks) released it theatrically, it made the festival circuit, and WON the Academy Award for best short film.

You sure can't call that "Failure Theater."

THE BIG BANG THEORY actors' strike

But first:  MUST KILL TV is on sale for only a couple more days! Only $0.99 for the Kindle version. That's practically giving it away.  It IS giving it away.   Here's where you go. 

In light of the BIG BANG THEORY actors recently holding out for bigger salaries, I’ve had a number of you ask my opinion on stars on strike. So consider this four Friday Questions on Tuesday.

Hollywood is not about earning what you deserve. Hollywood is about leverage.

Most shows fail. By most, I mean over 90% (and I’m being generous). Big hits come along as often as winning lottery tickets.

But when one of these shows becomes a mega hit the profits are in the billions. That’s billions with a B. Warner Brothers make more money off FRIENDS than Batman.

So if you’re an actor during contract renegotiation on one of these rare cash cows you hold most of the cards. I see no reason in not trying to make the best deal you can. Lots of others associated with the show are already feasting off that bovine.  

But you need that leverage. The problem when THE SIMPSONS actors tried this is that only their voices are heard. They are much easier to replace than Jim Parsons.

How important you are to the show determines how much leverage you have. Could THE BIG BANG THEORY live without Howard or even Penny? Sure. Could it live without Sheldon? Probably not. But even then – TWO AND A HALF MEN survived without Charlie Sheen. It can be done. At some point the actors’ demands have to be within the realm of reasonable.

These things usually have a way of working themselves out. It did over the weekend for THE BIG BANG THEORY. Parsons, Johnny Galecki, and Kaley Cuoco will each be getting about a million dollars an episode plus vigorish. Yes, that’s a staggering sum but there are major league ballplayers making way more than that hitting .241.

The comparison to baseball is very apt. When actors sign on to sitcom pilots they agree to be under contract for usually five years.  That's a big commitment with no idea how things will unfold.  So in the same way that baseball organizations own players for the first number of years, so do TV studios. And if a Clayton Kershaw should rise quickly through the Dodgers’ organization and become the best pitcher in baseball, the Dodgers only have to pay him $500,000 for a couple of years while a rag arm pitcher in the bullpen makes five million. So when payday finally arrives, part of the enormous salary is compensation for past seasons when he was undervalued.

This thespian work stoppage is certainly not a new practice. A few years ago the MODERN FAMILY held out together, and before that – FRIENDS. Someone had an interesting idea during the six-actor FRIENDS stand-off. He suggested the studio offer a very large very generous number per episode but will only pay it to the first five actors who accept the terms. Don’t know if it would have worked but I found it a ploy worthy of Frank Underwood.

So in short, congratulations to the BIG BANG THEORY cast. Now go out and hit .348 and sock 40 home runs.

HAIR today, gone tomorrow

But first -- my comic novel, MUST KILL TV, is now on sale for only $0.99 (Kindle version).  This is for a couple of days only.  Here's where you go to order yours.  I want to be part of your summer reading... even if I have to take a bath to do it.  Again, only $0.99. 

UPDATE: There had been a glitch with Amazon.  Now it's fixed and the price is indeed $0.99.  So if you tried before and didn't see the sale price, please check in again.  It's now correct.  Thanks.

Saw the revival of HAIR Saturday night at the Hollywood Bowl. I’ve since seen a couple of reviews and they all read like, well… theater reviews. They praised or criticized the acting, staging, lighting, etc. (And for the most part they liked it... although most of them weren't alive in 1967 so their comparisons were somewhat laughable.)

My review is going to be a little different. Mine is as much about the experience as the production itself.

Full disclosure: I saw HAIR originally in the ‘60s at the Aquarius Theatre in Los Angeles and pretty much loved everything about it except a lot of the music. Some songs were great, and a lot of others (as Leonard Bernstein called their lyrics) were just laundry lists. But the staging, the daring nature of the piece, the sensibility, and yes, the nudity – greatly appreciated from the third row – made for a thrilling night of theater. So what if I didn’t love the music and HAIR was 95% music. There’s always some little thing.

So when we saw that HAIR was being revived at the Hollywood Bowl I was all-too-happy to get tickets. I love going to the Bowl on a warm summer evening (you can always count on great weather in August), having dinner under the stars in one of the boxes, and enjoying a concert that wasn’t heavy Classical. (Sue me, I fall asleep.)

Well, the boxes were sold out. That meant unforgiving wooden benches in the next area code from the stage. We had friends in the boxes but the ushers wouldn’t let anyone down there who didn’t have a ticket. You can understand. These people pay good money for those boxes and they don’t want riff-raff coming down the aisles asking, “Are you gonna finish that quiche?” and “Could I hit you up for a glass of Chablis?”

There is a definite caste system at the Hollywood Bowl – those that sit in comfortable cloth director chairs and those who watch tied to a traction rack. You can rent seat cushions for a dollar. Get there four hours early if you have to to ensure they don’t run out.

Lots of people came dressed in tie-died attire; my wife being one. That’s pretty much the only ‘60s style you can still wear that doesn’t look ridiculous today… especially on baby boomers. Jean jackets, peace signs, leather fringe vests, and especially mini skirts are clothing items you need to put away on your 50th birthday or risk felony prosecution. Same for wearing bells and little clickers. I wore my 93/KHJ Boss Radio t-shirt, which was fashionably groovy but tastefully understated.

The show began under cloudy skies, somewhat unusual but it made for a warm evening. Sometimes the Bowl can get windy and cold, even in the summer. And by cold I mean you need a sweater.

Doing Broadway shows on the Hollywood Bowl stage is like holding a poker game in an empty airplane hanger. Any intimacy is gone. The stage is the size of Rhode Island and even a cast of 33 disappears under the humongous clamshell. Fortunately, now there are Jumbotron boards so someone other than members of the Otis Chandler family in the front row and the mayor can see the actors’ faces. Considering the expanse they had to work with I thought the choreography and staging was terrific. Lots of flying hippies. And they only had two weeks to rehearse. So on that level the production was amazing… I mean, far out man!

The costumes were authentic so everyone looked like they were in a bad sketch. If the ‘60s were before your time and your only exposure to the era was this show you’d think all girls were ethereal and floated around spaced out, and that all guys had Greek God physiques and went shirtless all the time. I’m here to tell you that wasn’t the case. When you’re skinny with a sunken chest you don’t even go shirtless in the shower.
 

TV star power was provided by Kristen Bell, Sarah Hyland, Hunter Parrish and others. All could sing. Kristen had the advantage of singing a couple of the best songs. Poor Sarah. Her mic shorted out during her big number. But she was a trooper, plowed through, and eventually they brought her a stick mic. I have to say, she’s a really good singer… and sport. And Amber Riley can belt with the best of ‘em (meaning AMERICAN IDOL contestants). Of the cast, I thought Benjamin Walker (as shirtless handsome guy number one) was the best and most charismatic. At least from the video board. We were so far back we could have been seeing the night before’s performance. It took the speed of light and sound that long to reach our section.

Needless to say, the nudity was not shown on the Dodgervision boards. So I saw nothing. I think they were naked. They could have been wearing parkas; I was that far back.

The themes, which seemed so relevant and important, felt silly. You have to put the show in perspective. When it debuted the typical Broadway show was HELLO DOLLY. HAIR used profanity, was political opposed the war, explored racial relations, employed rock music, promoted drug use, had a very loose story, and of course featured nudity. It was a pretty safe bet if you went to HELLO DOLLY you wouldn’t see Carol Channing full-frontal.

The songs I always liked I still liked. The others I still didn’t. And my take away from the first act was – we were sort of idiots back then. Well-intentioned and very exuberant but naive idiots just the same.

Act two was always kind of a mess. But on this night it didn’t help that it started raining. That’s right. RAIN. In Southern California. In the summer. This caught everyone by surprise of course, and for the first half hour people were either leaving or going down to ushers to get ponchos. The concourses were packed.

(I wasn’t there but I'm guessing that when it poured at Woodstock, a half a million people didn’t scramble desperately for ponchos.)

Kudos to the actors for persevering. This had to be tough for them too – especially when they see half the audience fleeing for the aisles.

It even rained in the boxes. The only section that didn’t get wet was the top because they were above the clouds.

But it was very hard to focus during the second act. So it wouldn’t be fair to give an overall impression of this production because I spent half of it trying to figure out how you put on a poncho.

All in all, I think they did the best they could with the conditions and material they had to work with. Having lived through that period, it’s disconcerting that a show that seemed so contemporary and relevant today plays like a museum piece. The nostalgia aspect is fun for about a half hour. And then you start calculating in your head how old the original cast must be, and who had the hit of “Easy To Be Hard” (Three Dog Night), and no one you knew used “psychedelic” in every sentence like these people, and does David Crosby still dress like that, and how many in the cast were wearing wigs, and how many of those hippies from 1967 are selling insurance today, and what the fuck is with this rain?

HAIR was the perfect title for this groundbreaking musical. If there is one symbol of our generation – its rebellious spirit and identifiable trademark – it’s hair. Long and twisted, bearded, braided, whatever. It’s sad to think that if they made a musical about us today it would, at best, be called SIDE BURNS.

My book for only $0.99

Starting tomorrow I'm running a promotion on the Kindle version of my comic novel, MUST KILL TV.  For a very limited time, only $0.99!  It starts tonight at midnight PDT.   Here's where you go.  89 reviews 4.6 stars out of 5.  Dave Barry doesn't get that.

These are a few of the actual reviews:

Think Elmore Leonard meets Stephen J Cannell. This delightful, fun read is peppered throughout with television references.

Just when you think it can't get any more preposterous, just wait! This is pure entertainment and/or a very wry commentary on the utter desperation and ridiculousness behind 'the business.' An addictive read and great fun. Ken Levine delivers.

Ken Levine's slick little satirical comedy-thriller is a gem. Imagine if James M. Cain set one of his walk-in-the-killer's-shoes murder thrillers in the 2014 TV industry, and then let Woody Allen write the polish. The basic premise is genius:

Just finished "Must Kill TV" - Ken Levine's new novel. As always, Ken is hip, witty, edgy and gives you just enough to want more - and, here - you get it. It's classic Ken - mixing the best non-fiction with fiction to tell a great story. And, this one has an interesting twist - so, don't miss it. And, I have a feeling I know a whole lot more about the TV business.

Ken has written an absurd yet totally believable satire of the TV industry - pitch perfect to make you wonder if a network genius would really go this far to keep his network and his job on top. Ken's got a knack for writing scenes that you can actually see - as you plow through this story, you can visualize it all on that movie screen in your brain. You'll laugh, get thrown off, get right back on, laugh some more, and you'll wonder…

You'll seriously wonder if it can and will happen. Yeah. It can.

Seriously.  $0.99.  I'm crazier than Crazy Eddie.  Hope you'll take advantage of this offer.  It begins at midnight.  Thanks much. 

One of my favorite forgotten films

Watched one of my favorite movies that will never make the AFI list.   It’s THE STUNT MAN from 1980 – one of the few movies that was nominated for a bunch of Oscars and yet very few people have heard of it. Directed by Richard Rush from a script by Laurence B. Marcus and Rush (adapted from the novel by Paul Brodeur) THE STUNT MAN is that rare movie that combines a compelling story with great acting, terrific action sequences, and Barbara Hershey when she was really hot.

Here’s the plot: the late Peter O’Toole (in his best performance EVER…and yes, I know he was amazing in SUPERGIRL) is a flamboyant brilliant director making a movie about World War I. Steve Railsback (no one can play a psycho better – not to give him a swelled head) is a fugitive running from the police. He accidentally finds himself in a scene being filmed and just as accidentally, kills a stunt man. (It's a sad parallel to the recent Sarah Elizabeth Jones accident on the set of MIDNIGHT RIDER.)  O’Toole agrees to hide Railsback if he takes over for the fallen below-the-line worker. From here the lines of reality and art and ethics and game playing and illusion blend into one thoroughly engrossing experience. Can anyone say that about TAMMY?

Visually, the movie is also striking. It was filmed primarily at the Hotel Del Coronado in San Diego, the same location Billy Wilder used for SOME LIKE IT HOT, although Wilder never took advantage of the roofs to stage a World War I battle scene. Everything about this movie crackles, from the pace, to the music (done by Dominic Frontiere several years before going to prison for scalping Superbowl tickets).

If there’s such a thing as a postmodernism thrill ride movie, this is it.

When THE STUNT MAN came out it was poorly marketed and didn’t get the attention it deserved. As Peter O’Toole said, “the movie wasn’t released, it escaped.” The DVD features all kinds of bonus goodies and commentaries. And there’s Barbara Hershey.

Check it out.

A truly BIZARRE unsold pilot

This is a show called CHOPSTICKS.  And before you call the PC Police, it's actually a children's game show that did not get on the schedule in 1958.  Considering what did back then, you've got to be pretty awful to not make the grade.  Aside from how utterly clunky it is, check out the African-American contestant.  Ever hear of him?  At one point he does a duet with June Christy and around the 18 minute he plays the organ.  The kid can play. 

And the girl, Janie Getz became a top jazz pianist and songwriter.  Quite the panel.

Another "How I almost got fired" radio story

Here’s another censorship story – and also one of my early days in radio stories. Except this time I was the censor.

In late ‘72/early ’73 I was a board op (glorified name for engineer) at KLOS, Los Angeles. You know today’s “Classic Rock” stations that play Layla and everything ever recorded by the Allman Brothers? That’s what they played then, when it was just considered music to get stoned by.

The disc jockeys and engineers sat in booths facing each other, separated by glass. We communicated through an intercom. As an engineer, it was my job to play the music and commercials. Back then we still played “records” – these round vinyl thingys. There must be one in a museum somewhere.

But on Sunday nights KLOS abandoned its format of being your “Emerson, Lake & Palmer station" for public service programs (required by the FCC). One of these was “Impacto” hosted by Joe Ortiz -- a call-in show centering on Hispanic issues. I was the engineer.

A lot of the callers were unaware I assume that you were not allowed to swear on the air. I was forever diving for the kill button. I kept telling Joe he had to remind his callers not to use profanity but he refused. He didn’t mind the barrage of f-bombs and he accused me of censorship. Even my pleading that we could lose our license fell on deaf ears.

So needless to say, things became very tense between us.

If he wasn’t getting calls he’d signal me to play a record. I would just grab one off our playlist. This was an important fact: the ONLY records you were allowed to play were those on the playlist. Disc jockeys (or engineers) could not just bring in albums from home.

So one Sunday night the calls were light. Joe gave me the signal, I reached over to our rack of 45’s, selected one completely at random and cued it up. For reasons I don’t know to this day, he introduced it by saying, “Now here’s a song that expresses the state of the barrio.”

With that I let this record fly.



Ortiz went nuts! Screaming at me. I wish there was a kill button on the intercom. After the show he filed an official union grievance against me. I had to go before the Chief Engineer and a union board for a hearing. The charges were dropped of course. They reacted the way you probably did when you heard the song.

My good name was cleared. I was given a new shift. But then I wound up with two people hating me -- Joe Ortiz and the poor engineer who took my place.

Friday Questions

Let’s kick off August with some Friday Questions, shall we?

Howard Hoffman follows up on my post about our first script:

My very first Friday question: Did you repurpose any of the material from that first script into any of your aired shows? If so, what should we look for?

No. Rarely if ever do we recycle jokes from past scripts. It’s not that we have such high standards; it’s that we have poor memories.

On CHEERS the great Jerry Belson used to come in once a week and help us punch up scripts. From time to time he’d pitch a joke, the Charles Brothers would reject it and he’d say, “Hey, it got a big laugh on THE ODD COUPLE.” Jerry (who came up with more original and hilarious jokes than anybody) would always maintain, “What went before is good too.”

Clark wonders:

How do you execute episodes of sitcoms where the script calls for a dramatic change in the set during that episode? A few examples jump out to me. Norm paints Frasier and Lilith's apartment. The bar burns down. Frasier and Niles buy a restaurant and redecorate it.

Usually you pre-shoot those scenes the day before. That gives crews all night to get things back to normal.

From Chris:

We’ve all seen the pilot where one of the main characters gets in a fight with the others and is about to move away but then they get him to stay and that's the start of the series.

Could this be considered a premise pilot?

No. That’s considered schmuck bait because no one really believes that character will move away.

A premise pilot dramatizes how characters meet or sets up the situation. Darrin Stephens meets Samantha and learns she’s a witch. Diane Chambers walks into CHEERS and by the end of the episode takes a job there. Jed Clampett discovers oil on his property and moves to Beverly Hills, that sort of thing.

There was a period where networks didn’t want premise pilots because they can test better than a normal show. Darrin learning Sam is a witch will test through the roof, but what do you do every other episode when he now already knows this? The trouble with non-premise pilots is that you spend so much time filling the audience in on the backstory and making introductions that the pilot becomes unwieldy and often unnecessarily confusing.

Rick Wiedmayer asks:

When you are hired for a directing job, how far in advance of the filming are you usually hired so that you can prepare?

For multi-camera shows it can be the day before you go into production. For single-camera shows you need several days for pre-production – to scout locations, plan shot lists, work out logistics and any stunts, have tone meetings with the showrunner, etc. But multi-camera shows are mostly shot on the same stage in front of a studio audience all in one night.

On the first day of production on a multi-camera show the first order of business is a production meeting. It is here the director goes over the script with members of every department. Wardrobe, swing sets, props, effects, any pre-shooting or challenges unique to that episode are worked out.

I of course, prefer to get the script a few days in advance so I can better prepare and anticipate possible problems. But the truth is, especially as the season grinds on, lead time evaporates and often scripts aren’t distributed until the day before production. I just roll with it.

But another difference between multi-camera and single-camera shows is that multi-camera scripts tend to change a lot more. After each day’s runthrough the script gets overhauled. It’s not unusual to get entire new scenes or storylines. A director must be flexible and able to re-stage and re-block for cameras on the fly.

Got a Friday Question? I might have the answer. And it might even be the correct one.

The comedy writing rule of 2's

If only this could get me membership in the Magic Castle.

I have this astounding ability to watch a lot of sitcoms and pitch the jokes mere seconds before the actors say them, almost verbatim. It’s an amazing skill. Houdini never could do that. Audiences are mystified.  Talk about magic. 

Of course, the truth is that after years of writing comedy I just can identify the most obvious punchlines. And there are shockingly way too many sitcoms that are guilty of this.

You might think this is a byproduct of multi-camera shows where rhythms have become stale and predictable, but single-camera shows are sometimes worse. They often resort to irony so it’s not even jokes. It’s catch-phrases or “Gee, THAT went well.”

If I can predict a joke it’s just lazy writing. Either that or the staff is just not very good. So I choose to believe it’s laziness.

What’s keeping me out of the Magic Castle is that by now you’ve seen so many sitcoms that you too can probably perform this psychic skill.

I blame the showrunners. Someone has to approve these clams. Someone has to say, “Yeah, that’s good enough.” Someone has to say, "Fine.  I've got Laker tickets." 

On CHEERS we had the rule of 2’s. If the writing staff was working on a joke and any two writers pitched essentially the same punchline we automatically discarded it. Didn’t even matter if it was funny.  Our feeling was that if two writers could come up with the same joke so could some audience members. And so it was quickly jettisoned. There was no debate. Ever.

When you’re trying to come up with a joke sometimes your first punchline might be the obvious one. Especially if you came up with it quickly. Learn to dig deeper. Is there a better joke? Is there a fresher joke? Is there something more unexpected? Maybe even something from out in leftfield?

Because sitcom audiences are more sitcom savvy your job is much harder now than it was back when we were writing CHEERS. And yet, I bet if you watch a CHEERS today there will still be jokes that surprise you and make you laugh.

Now I realize that not every show is CHEERS or is even going for the type of humor we went for. But you can strive to be the best in your genre, whatever it is. GOOD LUCK CHARLIE was a Disney Channel show but so clearly superior to other series on that network.

I know it sounds like a real contradiction. Comedy writing is a highly competitive business and yet high-priced comedy writers often get away with being lazy. I suppose it’s a matter of personal pride. Just consider this:  The last thing you want is for me to thank you for getting into the Magic Castle.

The best burger

Okay, I admit it. I love a good burger. I don’t smoke, do crack, drink Absinthe before noon, order waffles with whipped cream, munch on cereal that is frosted or contains marshmallows, or eat carnival food (which is deep-fried-anything-edible). I do eat vegetables, salads, some healthy fish, and Grape Nuts (that’s still good for you, right?).

But like J. Wellington Wimpy I enjoy a good burger now and again. My all-time favorite burger place, Cassell’s has closed (although they promise to re-open… actually, they promised to re-open a year ago – not a good sign). Bob’s Big Boy, once a chain, now still exists in Toluca Lake, and I’m still a sucker for their double-decker. Partly it’s nostalgia and partly because the location is across the street from the theater that will be staging my play, A OR B?


Burger preference is a very personal and emotional topic. Religion and politics pale. I’m sure a lot of you will weigh-in with your favorites and I’m holding my breath it doesn’t get ugly.

But recently Consumer Reports did a survey on fast-food burger chains. The winner? A California franchise called the Habit Burger Grill. I’ve had some. They’re very good. In N’ Out placed second. They’re kind of the gold standard for quality – cold tomatoes and other major features. Interestingly, of the 21 chains tested, McDonalds finished DEAD LAST.

They sell the most, but no one seems to really like them. And the other big franchises didn't fare much better. Second-to-last was Jack In The Box, and they finished just ahead of Burger King. I mean, when White Castle and Wendy’s whip your ass, what does that say? Even A & W scores higher and you have to be reeeeally hungry to order one of their burgers.

The clear message is that mass production results in mass rejection. Other categories surveyed were sandwiches & subs, chicken, and burritos. Subway finished second-to-last in sandwiches, KFC was voted the worst chicken, and to no one’s surprise – the worst burrito went to Taco Bell.

And here’s the thing: it wasn’t always that way (well, except for Taco Bell. That’s FEAR FACTOR cuisine wrapped in a tortilla). McDonalds used to be very tasty – we’re talking several lifetimes ago. Subway didn’t always put material in their bread that tire companies use to make rubber, and when Colonel Sanders was still alive, there was actually quality control officers who went from branch to branch to ensure the chicken was fresh, all eleven secret herbs and spices were prepared in the correct amount, and there was less grease in a bucket than in a 1967 Chevrolet Impala V-8 engine.

Fast food is obviously not great for you in the best of conditions. So if you’re going to indulge in a burger like me, or (God help you) a burrito – pick a good one. Don’t waste the calories and cholesterol on a Jumbo Jack for crissakes. Treat yourself to whatever you feel is the best. As for me? I might wander over to Five Guys.

Happy to report

Our house is on the other side of UCLA so was not affected by the water main breaking and subsequent flood.  You can imagine the traffic though.  All we need now is for Obama to come to town tonight for a fundraiser.  But thanks to all of you who expressed concern. 

Have we loved Lucy enough?

Neil Genzlinger, of the New York Times is one of my favorite critics. And I often disagree with him. What I like best is that from time to time he will take a position that clearly flies in the face of popular opinion. Sometimes I think he does this just to stir things up. It’s like if I wrote in this blog that I want Patricia Heaton to have my baby. The comments would be off the charts.

But in Mr. Genzlinger's case, whenever he does such an article (a la “sitcoms are dead”) he always backs it up with a persuasive argument (even if you don’t buy it). And he writes for the New York Times, so it’s not Cliff Clavin ranting in the Scientology Picayune-Intelligence.

On Sunday Mr. G. made the case that old vintage TV shows should essentially be put away forever. And tops on his list is I LOVE LUCY. Talk about spitting on the cross.

Before you get out the torches and pitchforks, here’s his take:

There’s nothing wrong with nostalgia and occasionally dipping into our past. But with all these retro cable channels it is now possible to go down the rabbit hole and watch nothing but these chestnuts. And in his opinion, a steady diet of GILLIGAN’S ISLAND and GREEN ACRES will turn your brain to mush. Can you totally disagree with him?

In terms of Lucy, he reasons: In its time, it was defining. But today the broad humor draws only the occasional chuckle. The show is like your high school girlfriend: Just because you loved Lucy once doesn’t mean you still do.

Here’s where he gets in trouble. I LOVE LUCY continues to rerun endlessly because it continues to get amazing ratings and make people really laugh. Every generation seems to discover and embrace it. And some of the comic set pieces are timeless classics. I LOVE LUCY is truly in a class of its own. It could be retitled I BELOVE LUCY. That said, I’ve seen every episode a gazillion times and have no desire to personally seek one out.

A lot of those old classic shows don’t hold up when you watch them today. You realize your love for them is rooted primarily in nostalgia. There are old shows I remember liking as a kid that I see now and say “what was I thinking?” LAUGH-IN for one. In it’s heyday I thought this was the most hilarious show on television. Today I can’t watch two minutes without cringing and wanting to kill myself.

But I will say this:  When I taught my class on comedy last year at USC, the half-hour sitcom that got the biggest laughs from my one hundred college students was THE PHIL SILVERS SHOW.  Funny is funny.  




To his point about the danger of immersing yourself in these evergreens at the expense of watching anything else, I tend to agree. And I am sometimes an offender. But not in television. Radio.

My favorite era of music is the ‘60s. Thanks to Sirius/XM and internet stations I’m able to listen to ‘60s music 24/7. And at times I do. But after a few days I just have to listen to something else. For every Beatles record I could hear on an endless loop there’s also the 1910 Fruit Gum Company. Get me to the Reggae station. Where’s my Nicole Atkins playlist? I’ve even been known to flee to sportstalk radio in desperation.

The bottom line though is I’m thrilled that these retro networks exist and that these old shows are still available. And, like everything else, take in moderation.

What troubles me, and this is not a point that Mr. Genzlinger addressed, is that now some of MY shows are on these retro channels. Those nostalgia networks are for shows I watched when I was six.
What the fuck?

What can be done about stealing jokes?

Read a recent article on what recourse a comic or writer has if someone steals his jokes. The short answer: nothing. If you sue for copyright infringement it’ll cost all parties involved anywhere from $373,000 to $2.1 million. It better be one fucking great joke.

Stealing gags have been around since the beginning of time. The article cites an example. Milton Berle – notorious for stealing other people’s material – used this joke: “A man comes home and finds his best friend in bed with his wife. That man throws up his hands in disbelief and says, ‘Joe, I have to—but you?’ ”

Now compare that to this joke from the 4th century tome Philogelos, the world’s oldest-known joke book: “Someone needled a well-known wit: ‘I had your wife, without taking a penny,’ He replied, ‘It’s my duty as a husband to couple with such a monstrosity. What made you do it?’ ”

Proof positive that Milton Berle was sixteen centuries old when he died. I will give him this; he improved the joke. The early version really explained the joke. What was with these people?

So if you can't take legal action, what’s to stop someone from pilfering jokes?

There is somewhat of a code between comedians (although enforcing it is probably laughable). If there’s a question of ownership over a particular joke, the comic that delivered it on TV first gets it. This seems unfair to me. Struggling comics don’t get on TV, while Robin Williams merely has to pick up the phone.

Comics tend to ostracize other comics who steal material. Jerry won’t let them ride in his car.

If the problem gets too severe some clubs blackball them. For poor Dane Cook that means he can only work in arenas.

You can always beat the shit out of the guy. Although, admittedly, not a lot of ex-Marines or former boxing champions go into comedy.

As a comic you can develop a persona that’s very unique to you. Woody Allen, Richard Pryor, Bob Newhart, Lenny Bruce, Emo Phillips, Steve Martin, Mitch Hedberg, Wendy Liebman (to name but a few) – their material is dependent as much on delivery and character as the written words themselves.

You can try to monitor your material and cut off the pipeline to plagiarists if you can find it. Before I had a blog I would review the Oscars and send it to everyone in my address book. One was a highly rated major market talk show host. I found out from several listeners that he was using my material the next morning and claiming it was his. That’s the last thing he ever received from me.

Sometimes people can get caught stealing material and look stupid as a result. I remember seeing a lounge performer at the Burlingame Hyatt who stole routines from Steve Martin. And this was when Martin was at the height of his popularity. Everyone in the room looked at each other and thought, “Is this guy an idiot?” (I then thought, “What the hell am I doing in a Burlingame Hyatt looking for entertainment?”)

A recent study has determined that there is less joke stealing among comics now than the old Milton Berle days (of the 4th-20th centuries) and they conclude this informal “code” has made the difference. Personally, I think it’s the internet. Up until a decade ago it was possible for a comic to play clubs, work the circuit for years and no one other than drunks and fellow comics knew who he was. Now every comic is on Twitter, has a website, and clips of their stand up act is on YouTube. And all entries are dated. It’s much easier now to point fingers.

But fear not, comedy warriors.  I have the answer. I know how to end joke stealing.   Just have an announcement at the start of every comedy show that lifting material is illegal and hurts artists. You may say, “C’mon, that’s not going to work.” Oh really? How do you think the big Hollywood studios put an end once and for all to film piracy? I rest my case.

And this is my idea. Don’t you go stealing it.

All-night radio -- hookers, brawls, and dead presidents

More on my ill-fated disc jockey career. 

In March 1973 I was hired by KMEN San Bernardino to do the all-night show. My salary was a whopping $650 a month to work the coveted midnight-six shift six nights a week. As with Bakersfield, I was not allowed to use my real name. Let’s just say Levine sounded too, uh… “New York”. So again I was Ken Stevens. Of course how do I complain that my name is too generic when my program director goes by Buddy Scott?

So I did all-nights and never got any sleep. The phone number I was assigned was the same as an LA hooker’s (just a 714 area code instead of 310). She advertised in the LA WEEKLY and a hundred times a day I’m getting calls saying, “Hey, man, is Jeannie there?”

On the air, talking to cows for six hours, I needed something to occupy my mind. So I started a friendly little rivalry with the evening jock, Doug DeRoo. Doug is amazingly talented. Imagine the character Robin Williams played in GOOD MORNING VIET NAM only funnier. “Tie a Yellow Ribbon Around the Old Oak Tree” by Tony Orlando and Dawn was the big hit then. We wanted to see who could come up with the most one-liners while introducing it. For days this Titanic tug-of-war continued. One bad one-liner after another. Proud to say I won. Not proud that my winning quip involved urine.

Is it any wonder that the program director kept sending me memos to just shut up and stop trying to be funny?

KMEN’s promotion budget was zero. So we were sent out on appearances that wouldn’t cost the station. A favorite was the high school basketball game between the disc jockeys and the faculty. By “faculty” they pretty much meant gym teachers vs. six out-of-shape mostly drugged out radio nerds. It was an exhibition but invariably there’d be one Cro-Magnon teacher who thought he was Reggie Evans – throwing elbows, and clotheslining guys. I don’t think this is what the station had in mind – we got into a brawl with the Redland High faculty. So in addition to always being sleep deprived I did the show that night holding an ice pack to my head.

June meant school graduations so in the spirit I brought my high school annual from home and read the idiotic things people wrote about me or to me.  It was a good schtick.  If anyone was listening I'm sure they would have enjoyed it.    But as the records were playing at 3 in morning I began leafing thrugh the book, perusing the senior pictures.  All those girls I had a crush on, I thought they were probably sleeping in nice warm beds with loving former football stars/husbands leading a contented life.  And where was I?  In a fucking cow pasture in the middle of the night.  "Most Likely to Waste His Life".  That was more depressing than playing Elanor Rigby. 

Every morning from 4-4:15 I had to do a farm report. So I’d rip all this stuff off the teletype machine and read it verbatim, having no fucking idea what I was talking about. Giving sorghum updates, pork belly prices, and harvest predictions.  Let's just say guys with uh, New York last names know shit about farming. 

I also had to do an hourly newscast. And there again I’d race into the newsroom the last minute, rip off the headlines, and read them on the air. I never pre-read them. No disc jockey ever did. God knows if I ever pronounced all those Cambodian villages correctly. Of course, it’s not like I got any calls complaining. But hard to pronounce names were always the bane of our existence. One former KMEN disc jockey got around that once with what I believe to be the smoothest save EVER. This is how he reported the following news story:

“And in other news – the President of Brazil has just died. His name is being withheld until the family has been notified”.

Genius. Sheer genius. You gotta love radio.

By the way, I called the phone company, changed my number, and explained why.  A week later the guy I talked to called back to thank me.