Best Of: 2009 -- My thoughts on Larry Gelbart

Moving along year by year during my "Best Of" look at the first ten years of my blog, we come to 2009.  One of the features of my blog is tributes to artists and people I have known who had passed away.   Unfortunately, I've had to write way too many of these over the past decade.   On September 11, 2009 my mentor and literary hero, Larry Gelbart died at 81.  Usually I would write my tributes that day, but Larry's passing was so devastating that it took two days before I was able to compose semi-coherent thoughts.  Here's what I wrote... truly from the heart.
In addition to everything else, he wrote beautiful eulogies. With his flair for words and wit and warmth he constructed eloquent touching tributes. I used to kid him that he had to live forever because no one else could write them as well. And now I find myself in the agonizing position of trying to write his. First off, let me say, it won’t be as good.

So rather than tell you what you probably already know – that he was the Mozart of comedy writing and recipient of every honor but the Heisman Trophy – I’ll try to share some things you might not know; some personal stories.

In many ways the hardest part of writing scripts is turning them in. Because then you have to wait. And wait. And wait. It’s a stomach churning exercise filled with angst and insecurity and flashbacks of high school. After a day you’re an utter basket case. After a week you’re confessing to crimes you didn’t even commit.

When you turned in a script to Larry at 5:30 he called you at home to say he loved it… at 6:30. The first Rolaid hadn’t even dissolved in your stomach yet. Trust me, this is unheard of. But that was Larry. Empathetic, considerate, a mensch. He was the kindest man in an industry that seriously frowns on that sort of thing. Fortunately, he had the talent to overcome it.

And despite his enormous success, he was just as human as the rest of us mere boulevard farcitiers. He arranged for house seats for my wife and I to see the original production of SLY FOX. Jacqueline Kennedy was sitting next to me. When I called the next day to thank him and tell him who was sitting on my left, he got very nervous. “Did she like it? Did she laugh? Which jokes?” He was thrilled to learn she did laugh, and I’d like to think thrilled that my wife and I laughed too but probably more Jackie. After all, she paid for her seat.

I mentioned one day in a rewrite that my favorite MASH episode was “the More I See You” with Blythe Danner guesting as Hawkeye’s former flame. A few days later I received a gift. In those days Larry used to write his scripts longhand on legal pads. He gave me a Xeroxed copy of his original first draft. And the Mozart comparison continues. There were no cross-outs. Every line was perfectly constructed. Emotion and humor flowed from speech to speech with absolute ease. How does one do that? It’s impossible! That draft (now bound) remains one of my most cherished possessions.

And by the way, he could write an entire MASH script in one night. He was incredibly fast. Stanley Donan was going to direct a movie called BLAME IT ON RIO. He was not happy with the draft his writer had, turned in and asked Larry if as a favor, he’d read it and offer his suggestions. Larry said sure (Larry always said sure). The script was delivered to him Friday at 5:30. No, he didn’t call back with his reaction at 6:30. He waited until Monday morning. But he said he had so many problems with it that instead of just scribbling down some notes he took the liberty of REWRITING the whole screenplay himself. Unbelievable. Even Mozart didn’t compose an opera over the weekend. Larry said use what you like. Donan used every word.

A similar story: For rewrites we would dictate to our assistant, Ruth, who was lightening quick. There was a big Radar speech. Larry started pitching and was just on fire. We were in stitches. Ruth broke in, telling him to slow down. Even she couldn’t write that fast. Larry said, “Just get half” and kept going. The half she didn’t get was better than anything else on television.

Larry always sent thank you notes. Larry always dropped you a line wishing you well on your upcoming project. Larry always returned phone calls. Larry always emailed you right back. Larry even left comments on my blog. I half expect a thank you note for this essay.

His legacy will last forever. His work was timeless, universal, steeped in humanity, and brilliant. MASH will always air eight times a night, TOOTSIE and OH GOD! will forever be on your screens (be they 64” plasmas or 2” iPods), FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE FORUM, and CITY OF ANGELS will be revived as long as there are stages.

Like any screenwriter, Larry had drawers and drawers of unproduced or unsold or unfinished projects. In June he just had a reading of a pilot he conceived. Last year he mounted a play in Chicago he was shepherding to Broadway. At the time of his death he was adapting one of his films into a musical and one of his musicals into a film. So yes, he left behind an amazing body of work but still we “just got half”.

Many people who knew him felt that Hawkeye Pierce was an idealized version of Larry. I’d like to think one of his other character creations was a more accurate representation of just who he was. God.

Enjoy the work of Larry Gelbart. You will laugh until you hurt. And for those of us who were blessed to have known him, we will hurt until we laugh.

My blog party recap

Thanks so much to everyone who attended my blog party last night at the WGA Library (that's where scholars go to read AfterMASH scripts). There were probably 60 guests or more. Like an idiot I said “no gifts.”

But a great time was had by all. It was so nice to actually meet you. Everyone wore name tags and I was fully expecting someone to go as “Anonymous.” But happily, they all used their real names (I think). And no one got too rowdy and tore up the library. My blog readers are the best!

They all signed a big card and said nice things, which makes up for all the comments kids scribbled in my high school yearbooks. No one last night wrote “You Suck!” or “Who are you again?”

Two people came from Oklahoma (not to make the rest of you feel guilty… although Norwegian Air had some deals).

One person said he was so inspired by my spec DICK VAN DYKE SHOW that he wrote a spec SEINFELD and that got him an agent. I love stories like that. I hope he has better luck selling his than I did with mine.

There were a couple of alums from THE SITCOM ROOM in attendance. Neither asked for their money back so it was great to see them again.  

Not every attendee was in the business. One young lady was a narc. I hope she was there as a fan and not just collecting evidence on me.

A blog regular and personal friend of Tallulah Morehead, Doug McEwan stopped by. Tallulah herself couldn’t make it. I think her quote was “Wine is for sissies.”

And even my writing partner, Mr. David Isaacs made an appearance. In the ten years I’ve been blogging I hope I’ve mentioned him.

It was very heartening to see everybody mingle with everybody else. I think some new friends and even writing partnerships might have been formed last night. Lots of business cards changed hands. I think the narc got ten of them.

All in all, it was an awesome evening. My thanks to the WGA library archivist, Hilary Swett and especially to Cynthia Furey who organized this entire soiree… and provided the cake! And of course, to everyone who attended. I’m thrilled and humbled to have started a little community. I’m often asked what I get out of writing a daily blog (since it ain't money) – I think it’s THAT. Meeting great people and bringing great people together. What better use of one’s free time is there?

Best Of: 2008 -- AMERICAN IDOL reviews

Ten years of posting something new every day.  Here's day four of my "Best Of" leading to this blog's  official tenth anniversary on Thanksgiving Day.   I'm reprising one post from every year.

A popular feature I did for several years was review AMERICAN IDOL each week.  That's when it was a national sensation and people actually gave a shit.  Here is a typical review.  This ran originally on February 21, 2008.  

On an unrelated note:  My recap of my blog party will follow in a few hours.  Stay tuned or check back or whatever.
We got our first look at the girls Wednesday night (Thursday morning for me ‘cause I tivoed it). They’re cute, they belt, they have sob stories, and they’re all going to end up in the touring company of MAMA MIA. But for now their hopes and cheeks are high.

We were told over and over that some of them had the flu. But showing the same grit and fortitude they had when they attended their senior proms despite breaking a nail, they hung in there and gave courageous performances of 60s bubblegum hits.

First up was Kristy Lee Cook. She sold her horse to fly from Portland to Philadelphia to audition for the show. There were also auditions in San Diego, which is closer. She could have just sold her cat. Kristy was one of the flu victims. What will her excuse next week be for being boring?

Joanne Borgella was next. She’s the “plus size model” filling the LaKisha/Jennifer Hudson role this season. Simon said to take a risk and she did. She wore jeans.

Alaina Whittaker followed. She’s 16, blond, and has that Lauren Hutton space between her two front teeth that make her seem wise beyond her years. Alaina sang “More Today Than Yesterday” – the same song that Chipote (or whatever the hell his name is) sang the night before. There aren’t a gazillion songs in the 60s? They had to repeat the same four?

Finally! Something that Paula knows! The group that had the hit with “More Today Than Yesterday” (Spiral Starecase). Amazingly, Simon had never heard of that tune. Obviously he doesn’t listen to oldies radio. They play it eight times an hour. Along with…

“Happy Together”, which Brooke White sang (and David Cook mangled the night before). Brooke is a dead ringer for the young Susan Anspach (pictured below Brooke). She labels herself as “the good girl”. A couple of weeks in the bottom three and she’ll be wearing leather and going down on the mic.

Amanda Overmyer, the cool rocker chick who looks like an owl, scatted through “Baby Please Don’t Go”. Again, Simon had never heard of it. He can tell you every Lulu tune but is unfamiliar with Van Morrison? Amanda is a breath of fresh air. And even if she had the flu, who cares because she sounds like she has the flu anyway.

Amy Davis is gorgeous. I’d vote for her if she coughed up phlegm for three minutes. She sang one of Simon’s favorite kick ass songs from the 60s – “Where the Boys Are”.

Then it was Alexandrea Lushington (which would be the perfect name for Elaine Stritch). Randy and Paula loved her. Simon did not. I agree with Simon. Just another boring belter. Next!

Kady Malloy is this year’s Carrie Underwood wannabe. Big voice. Did a slow sexy rendition of “We’ve Got a Groovy Kind of Love”. Why? It’s an innocent teenybopper song. Why not just do a smoldering blues version of “My Boy Lollipop”?

Kady was followed by Asia’h Epperson. I’m still trying to tell all these people apart. I have in my notes for Asia’h: “dead dad girl”. Sang “Piece of My Heart”. Won’t make anyone forget Janis Joplin. Or even Amanda Overmyer.

One of my favorites was next. Ramiele Mulubay. Little girl. Big pipes. Irene Cara without all the lawsuits.

The goofy names continued with Syesha Mercado. (Notice all the cheerleader types are named Kristy and Amy and Brooke?) Will somebody tell her the Diana Ross look is not becoming? The only thing missing was plastic surgery and a cape. Another boring belter.

And finally, there was Carly Smithson – the girl with the sensational voice, scary tattoos, and Hannibal Lector smile. AMERICAN IDOL has taken a lot of heat lately for not disclosing that Carly is a professional singer who even signed a million dollar recording contract once. So to avoid looting in the streets and rioting, this “secret” was revealed on the program. Carly should be in the top two…if she wears long sleeves every week.

All in all, a good group. But certainly not a great group. Maybe the third touring company of MAMA MIA.

Best Of: 2007 -- Hey, Who Stole My Flamingo

Tonight's my blog party.  A report will follow.  And thanks to those who plan to attend.  I've decided to go myself.   Meanwhile, the ramp up to this blog's ten year anniversary continues.  A favorite post from every year.  This one first appeared on August 9, 2007.  One of the features that readers really like is me telling ridiculous war stories of my adventures in Hollywood.  Here's one of the crazier ones.

"Hey, who stole my flamingo?"

Or...my favorite pitch meeting ever.
In 1978 my partner, David Isaacs and I were head writers of MASH. That fall we also signed on to write a pilot for CBS. Our producer was Allan Carr (pictured above). He was this rather flamboyant character famous for throwing lavish parties in the “King Tut Disco” in his home, producing such films as SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER and GREASE, and winning a Tony for producing LA CAGE AUS FOLLES on Broadway. He looked like composer Paul Williams -- short, cherubic, bespectacled.

We arranged a meeting to pitch our pilot story. Since we were dealing with MASH all day the meeting was set for 6 PM at his Benedict Canyon mansion (“Hillhaven Lodge”, complete with a giant eight foot Oscar statue in the driveway.).


We show up and are told by the butler he’s not ready. The butler ushered us onto thia lovely outdoor patio where a bottle of wine was waiting for us as well as a Chasen’s ice mountain of fresh seafood.  This must cost $500.  An hour later we’re still waiting although the bottle is now empty. And we start getting a little giddy. We were wondering how we could steal one of his ceramic flamingos. Would Allan notice the two long flamingo legs sticking out of my briefcase? We were really starting to get punchy.

Finally, we hear “Hello, hello” and quickly put on our serious game faces. A moment later Allan sweeps in wearing nothing but a flowing white caftan…and a layer of thick white cold cream all over his face. Holy shit! We almost lost it.

And now, not only must we somehow maintain decorum, we have to pitch a complete pilot story. Behind Allan sat the flamingos, making it even worse.

We somehow managed to get through it. Imagine this surreal scene – a normal pitch meeting, the producer and writers polishing a story, trading ideas, everyone acting as though there’s nothing unusual even though the producer is in a dress with Crisco dripping from his face.

We wrapped up the meeting, said goodbye, shook hands, he closed the front door, and we rolled around on his front lawn for 45 minutes laughing.

The pilot didn’t go thank God because shortly after that Allan had his stomach stapled. Lord knows what the story meetings were like following that.

Best Of: 2006 -- If Aaron Sorkin Wrote a Show About Baseball

Day two of the "Best Of" this blog, leading to my tenth anniversary on the 26th.  I'm taking one post from each year.  This first appeared on October 25, 2006.   Who knew back then that Kauffman Stadium would host back-to-back World Series or that Aaron Sorkin would actually go on to write a movie about baseball (MONEYBALL)? 

This is how I imagine a typical scene would go.

EXT. KAUFFMAN STADIUM -- NIGHT

THE MANAGER, LEO, TROTS OUT TO THE MOUND TO TALK TO BELEAGUERED PITCHER, DANNY (THERE’S ALWAYS A DANNY). THE BASES ARE LOADED. THE CROWD IS GOING NUTS. IT’S GAME SEVEN OF THE WORLD SERIES. LEO
You can’t get a good lobster in this town.

DANNYLast I checked we were in Kansas City.

LEO
4.6 billion pork ribs sold every year and 18.9 tons of beef consumed annually since 1997 –

DANNY
They like their beef, what can I tell ya?

LEO
But you’d think just for variety’s sake.

DANNY
I can still throw my curve.

LEO
For strikes?

DANNY
I’m not throwing enough?

LEO
I’ve seen more lobsters.

DANNY WALKS TO THE ROSIN SACK, GIVES IT A SQUEEZE, DECIDES TO KEEP WALKING. HE AND LEO NOW WALK OUT INTO CENTER FIELD. DANNYIt’s just that…

LEO
What? Kathy?

DANNY
No. Cabs. There’s no cohesiveness on this team. After road games, 25 cabs for 25 players. There used to be a thing called “the greater good”, forgoing your needs for the betterment of the team and community who looks to us for their identity and self worth. When I’m trying to save a game I’m really trying to save a factory. If baseball is a metaphor for life, then responsibility is its first cousin simile. And Kathy.

LEO
That’s a “1” on your back and not a “2”.

DANNY
I can’t help it. She knocks my sanitary socks off.

THEY CROSS THE CENTER FIELDER, HECTOR. HECTOR
(in thick accent) Hey, Skip. You know where we could get a lobster around here?

LEO
Order a steak with butter sauce.

THEY REACH THE WALL AND BEGIN WALKING AROUND THE WARNING TRACK.

DANNY
I only became a pitcher because of her.

LEO
Does she know that?

DANNY
She knows that a human arm is not supposed to throw a baseball 100 miles per hour. And she knows that Jesus Christ could strike out Babe Ruth every at bat for ten years without so much as a rotator tear. But to answer your question – what was your question again?

LEO
Can you still throw your curve ball for strikes?

DANNY
No. The other one.

LEO
Does Kathy know you became a pitcher for her?

THEY REACH THE RIGHT FIELDER, AN AFRO-AMERICAN NAMED CHET.

CHET
Look up in the stands, guys. Not four black faces. Would Jackie Robinson even want to break into this game now? If this sport speaks to minorities now it speaks in Spanish. Afro-Americans make up less than 5% of the major leagues. Compare that to basketball, football, or even golf. Satchel Paige said, “don’t look back, something might be gaining on ya.” I just did. It’s now hockey.

LEO
Play a little closer to the line.

THEY CONTINUE WALKING AROUND THE WARNING TRACK.

DANNY
I think she knows.

LEO
But do you really know if she knows?

DANNY
No.

LEO
Then you know what you’ve got to do.

DANNY
Yeah.

LEO
Throw strikes.

DANNY
Right. Thanks.

LEO
And when you get home –

DANNY
Yeah?

LEO
Tell her.

DANNY
I’ll take her out for a lobster.

LEO
What do you mean, 25 cabs for 25 players?

AS THEY START AROUND THE WARNING TRACK FOR ANOTHER LAP, WE:

FADE OUT.

Best Of: 2005 -- Porn Star Karaoke

In honor of this blog's ten year anniversary, today begins my ten days of "Best Of" posts... as determined by me.  Along with an introduction to each.

This one first appeared November 30, 2005.  It was one of my very first posts.  At the time I didn't know how to upload photos so it was just text.  So the picture is new.  

For the first year or so I was really finding my way, experimenting with the type of content I would write about.  I ultimately settled on humor, not pornography.   Did I make the right choice?

There’s a bar tucked away in a Burbank strip mall between a cleaners and donut shop that on Tuesday nights presents “Porn Star Karaoke”. My friend Kevin and I checked it out and needless to say it was a classy affair. Laminated signs listed the rules, one being “No oral sex in the bathrooms”.

I knew we were in for a great evening when I saw the “Porn Star Karaoke” banner on the stage next to a menorah.

The adult world’s elite showed up – twenty gum popping smoking bimbos in halter tops and hot pants, raccoon make up and (as Kevin said) enough silicone in their bodies to be legally considered a Mattel toy. They were accompanied by the usual assortment of buff porn kings who dyed their hair even though they're 25, and fat middle aged guys in pony tails and billowing Hawaiian shirts. They were probably the girls’ dads.

The stars started filing in around 10. Ron Jeremy was there at 6.

The D.J. set the elegant tone for the evening by saying to the first porn crooner “You’re not allowed to talk about how hot your pussy is”. She took it in good spirits and mimed choking on the microphone. It’s how I always pictured the Rainbow Room.

Musical ability is not why these girls are known as Golden Throats. Not one of them could sing a note. But they did find other ways to bring home their songs. One did Sir Mix-a-lot’s “Baby Got Back” and demonstrated by dropping her pants. If Diana Degarmo did that she’d be an American Idol today.

Two more made out with each other on stage (how else are you gonna fill that instrumental bridge?), while a porn king who looked like Eric Roberts in "Star 80" only sleazier walked right up to the stage with a digital camcorder and filmed extreme close ups of their breasts ("someday I hope to direct").

I was disappointed none of the stars sang Janis Joplin’s heartbreaking classic “Down on Me”.

The place was rocking and yet there was some guy at a table just reading a book. That must've been a helluva book.

They gave away prizes and I won one! It’s the first time in my entire life I’ve ever won anything. How fitting it should be a porn DVD -- the 2 disc collector’s set of ETERNITY starring Stormy Danials, Jessica Drake, and a horse. Plus, it comes with a director’s track. ("I began by shooting extreme close ups of breasts".)

Unfortunately, we had to leave before I could get up and do my medley from “Fiddler on the Roof”. But there’s always next week…and the following week…and the week after that.

Starting tomorrow...

When I began writing a blog I never dreamed I’d still be doing it ten years later. The over/under going in was like two weeks. But it has taken on a life of its own and I’ve somehow managed to keep it going – even with all the other goofy endeavors I'm involved in.

As of this writing: 4348 posts, 340 editions of Friday Questions (so I’ve answered over 1300 questions), and probably 40 photos of Natalie Wood. What I thought I’d do to mark the occasion is look back at some of the highlights. Out of 4300 posts I’ve somehow managed to find ten – one for each year. So starting tomorrow I’ll be presenting those, leading up the actual date (the 26th). Along the way I may also toss in some new stuff too (like going to watch UNDATEABLE on Friday night). You never know with me.

Also, Tuesday night is my anniversary bash at the Writers Guild. Here’s the information on that.

Doing this blog has been a joy (even when it’s a burden), but the best part has been meeting so many of you guys.  I look forward to meeting more on Tuesday.  But to all of you -- thanks for your continued support.  Without you I'm just writing volumes of material that no one is reading -- otherwise known as my spec screenplays.  Enjoy the “Best Of.”

UNDATEABLE not LIVE

This is a very different report than I had planned to post. I was invited to watch the two live broadcasts last night of UNDATEABLE LIVE, and ten minutes before the show was due to air live in the East the producers and NBC agreed to scrap it. Considering the horrors of Paris, it just seemed wrong and insensitive to be funny and silly – especially on live TV. It’s not like pre-taped entertainment. In a show that depends on immediacy and interacting with the audience, how could the cast ignore the reality and unspeakable tragedy of the moment?

Yes, you could argue the other side of it. Viewers might welcome an escape from the unfathomable images and reports from Paris. And there is some validity to that. But again, remember, this is live. And the performers are not just “actors,” they’re people. They’re feeling the same ache in their hearts as everybody. And asking them to ignore those emotions and clown around in front of literally millions of people seems callous and unreasonable. If you need to escape, there are plenty of other ways.

Personally, I think showrunner Bill Lawrence, the cast, and network made the right call. Bill explained his feelings to the studio audience and although I’m sure they were disappointed I don’t think a single one of them disagreed with the decision. Bill made sure all of them could come back at a later date and even keep the seat they had last night. I too will return – next week – under hopefully much lighter circumstances.

Not much else to say. What can anybody say? Instead, I’ll just leave you with some pictures I took last night on the set, and like everyone, will send my best wishes and prayers to the people of France.

Friday (the 13th) Questions

Heading to WB to watch tonight's live broadcast of UNDATEABLE LIVE.  Stay tuned.  In the meantime, here are some Friday (the 13th) Questions.   Try not to be scared. 

Michael starts us off:

I read recently that BIG BANG THEORY episodes were down to under 18 minutes, not counting commercials and credits. No doubt driven by greed. My opinion is this has hurt the quality, especially since they usually juggle multiple storylines in each episode due to the large cast. How does this compare to typical episode lengths for shows you worked on?

They used to be a little over 22 minutes. And yes, the quality definitely suffers when you have so little time to tell a story. I don’t even know how you do B stories with that little airtime. On MASH we always had two, sometimes three storylines all dovetailing into each other. And at 22 minutes we always felt hampered.

Ironically, you’d think with shorter scripts it would be easier – less to do. But it’s just the opposite. You want room to tell your story, and let your show breathe. You want characters to be able to develop and that’s hard to accomplish when you have to service your plot every minute.

And the time we forfeit all goes into commercials, which means spot breaks that used to be one minute are now sometimes seven or eight. How do you keep an audience engrossed in your story when you have to pause for fourteen spots and promos?

Of course the instrument has not been devised that can measure the networks’ indifference to these creative issues.

Katherine @ Grass Stains asks:

If you were asked to come on board an existing program today specifically to introduce and write for a new character to help reinvigorate the show, who would you throw into the mix, and why? Pick any existing show. (For example, I'm thinking of the recent introduction of Jeffrey Dean Morgan as the new PI on one of your favorites, The Good Wife. In my opinion, he's injecting some much-needed sexual tension with Julianna Margulies, while at the same time playing a valuable role in the Cases of the Week.)

I would introduce a character in HOUSE OF CARDS who had a moral compass. They sort of had that with the BBQ guy, but he’s been relegated to gardener. It would be nice if someone Frank respected managed to effectively govern with scruples and humanity.

From Bill in Toronto:

Ken, exhibit A: the broadcast television model is in turmoil or broken. Exhibit B: NBC's ratings continue their long slide and the comedy genre practically has been abandoned. Exhibit C: you have the credentials of being on staff /showrunning / contributing to a multiple hit sitcoms over the decades, many in relationship with NBC. My pitch: A hail mary pass is NBC's only solution. It turns away from a non-suit and hands over sitcom development and greenlighting to you for, say, a limited period of time. Potentially restoring the glory of NBC and/or network TV is quite the way to top off your career! What say you?

I say back several Brinks trucks up to my house.  I’m not a corporate guy. Unless I was the top dog who could make the ultimate decisions then I’d be just “answering” to someone. I have zero interest in playing that game, needing approval for every decision, following someone else’s marching orders.

Besides, my approach would be so radically different I’m sure I would scare off the stockholders. Without going into details, just know writers would be given more autonomy. So you can understand why NBC’s top brass would kick my sorry ass to the curb faster than you can say, "Proud as a peacock."

And finally, from Kevin from VA:

My question for you Ken is going back to the days when there were only three networks, are there any shows that you admired or enjoyed and thought were cancelled way too soon?

Okay, I warn you – some of these are fairly obscure and there’s a lot of them. And I’m not listing any of my shows although they all deserve to be on this list.  If you haven't heard of any of these, look them up. 

For comedies:  Top of the list are THE MARSHALL CHRONICLES and FLYING BLIND from writer Richard Rosenstock. THE PRACTICE and GOOD TIME HARRY from writer Steve Gordon. BEST OF THE WEST from fellow blogger, Earl Pomerantz. ALL IS FORGIVEN overseen by the Charles Brothers. THE ASSOCIATES from the team that brought you TAXI. UNITED STATES from Larry Gelbart. HEY LANDLORD by Garry Marshall & Jerry Belson. Nat Hiken’s CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU? OPEN ALL NIGHT from Tom Patchett & Jay Tarses. BUFFALO BILL from Tom Patchett & Jay Tarses. BOSOM BUDDIES by the late Chris Thompson. GOOD MORNING WORLD from Bill Persky & Sam Denoff, THE GEORGE CARLIN SHOW from Sam Simon, and PARTY DOWN with its amazing ensemble cast that included (among others) Lizzy Caplin, Adam Scott, and Jane Lynch.

But wait! There’s more!

HONEY WEST with Ann Francis. MY WORLD AND WELCOME TO IT from the ‘60s, EYES starring Tim Daly, LATELINE starring Senator Al Franken,

I also miss MY SO-CALLED LIFE from Winnie Holtzman, the cartoon shows CLONE HIGH, TOP CAT, and CALVIN AND THE COLONEL, the baseball drama BAY CITY BLUES from Steven Bochco, and I would have liked to have seen Aaron Sorkin have more time to get STUDIO 60 on track.

I’m probably forgetting another twenty. But if I had to pick ONE show and one show only, it would have to be THE HONEYMOONERS. Only one season, only thirty nine episodes. But every one a classic. A local station in New York still airs THE HONEYMOONERS. Each episode has probably been repeated five thousand times. Or maybe twenty.

What’s your FQ?

What networks are looking for these days

We’re in the middle of development season. Networks are buying network pitches for comedies. So what are they looking for? Besides the staples -- diverse family shows (“We got a great idea. It’s MODERN FAMILY with Ethiopians.”) and Millennials trying to get laid, this year I hear they’re looking for the next ALL IN THE FAMILY.

They want to find the next Archie Bunker, someone who is audacious and has an outrageous take on current society. They’re having a tough time finding him.

Why?

Because YOU CAN’T DO ARCHIE BUNKER TODAY.

Let me repeat that.

YOU CAN'T DO ARCHIE BUNKER TODAY.  

The world is way too politically correct. Archie Bunker would drop the “N” bomb. Archie Bunker would call people wops, spics, kikes, and fags. Good luck getting any of those racially charged words on broadcast television these days.

ALL IN THE FAMILY writers were allowed to face controversial issues head-on. They were allowed to be irreverent, allowed to anger elements of the audience. Archie Bunker wasn’t subjected to PPM meters where tune out was measured.

ALL IN THE FAMILY was fearless. Today’s networks operate out of fear.

Norman Lear never had to have story pitches approved. He never had to have outlines approved. He never had to have his writing staff approved. (And by the way, his writing staff was all veteran scribes in their 50s and 60s.) He never had to have his first drafts approved. He was not required to execute network notes during the week of production. He did not have to have every actor, even those with one line, approved. He was allowed to cast leads who were middle-aged and frumpy.

For networks to think they could mount a genuine ALL IN THE FAMILY under those conditions is utter insanity. 

Better to stick with MODERN FAMILY with Southern Baptists.

Follow up: UNDATEABLE LIVE

In my post about UNDATEABLE I mentioned how I would love to actually attend a broadcast, for both the east and west coasts.   The show has graciously extended an invitation so I will be there for this Friday night's episode.   A report will follow soon after.  Stay tuned.   And thanks much to the producers of UNDATEABLE.   I promise I will have no notes.  

BRIDGE OF SPIES: My review

If I had to describe BRIDGE OF SPIES in one word it would be “impeccable.”

If I had to describe BRIDGE OF SPIES in two words they would be “too long.”

Technically, the picture is a stunning achievement. But hey, it’s Spielberg. You figure you’re not going to see boom shadows. And there is a precision that permeates every frame. His eye misses nothing. Every shadow, every prop is painstakingly placed. I could see him spending half a day adjusting the rolled up aluminum foil on the TV dinners.

There’s a great sequence where we see the Berlin Wall being constructed and the heartbreak of East Berliners trying to flee to the West.

My favorite delicious detail – a movie theater in West Berlin is showing ONE, TWO, THREE, the Billy Wilder comedy about the Berlin Wall.  Nice touch, maestro. 

Like the truly great directors, Spielberg can put you almost into the scene. It was as if I was shivering and anxious trudging through the snow in ravaged East Berlin instead of Tom Hanks.  Where's my Oscar nomination?

And Spielberg always gets excellent acting performances. It doesn’t hurt that he can attract talent like Tom Hanks and Mark Rylance, but still -- he gets the most out of them. I’m sure MOMMIE DEAREST wouldn’t be such a joke if Spielberg had directed Faye Dunaway.

But BRIDGE OF SPIES is not exactly a “thriller.” It’s more of a “Hmmm, that’s kinda interesting.” Spielberg introduces us to an admirable protagonist, an intriguing true event, and the theme of upholding American principles in the face of warfare reverberates today. But there’s hardly any suspense.

And even that would be okay if the movie wasn’t almost two-and-a-half hours. I knew the premise. A U.S. citizen has to negotiate a spy trade with the Russians. But I just sort of assumed that was the tip of the iceberg and would lead our hero down a rabbit hole to a terrifying world of complications, espionage, betrayals, heart-pounding sequences, and borscht. No. It’s just the negotiation. And those of us of a certain age or studied history know the outcome.

Bottom line: I love that time period. I’m a total ‘60s-phile. And I was checking my watch an hour in. You don’t need 2:21 to tell that story. And the fact that it was that long suggests “Oscar Grab.” (The glossy color program they were distributing at the screening suggests that also.) When every frame of Spielberg’s film is carefully calculated, it’s not a stretch to think that wasn't part of his thinking too.

And Spielberg is not alone in this. Films with complex themes made for grown ups are traditionally released during Oscar season.

Someone cynical might even say that Academy Awards are the ONLY reason studios greenlight such mature fare. But I of course am not one of these cynics. It’s purely a coincidence that any movie not starring a guy who can fly comes out in the fall.

BRIDGE OF SPIES is worth seeing. But a more entertaining movie on the time period might be ONE, TWO, THREE.

How to make an independent movie

Almost everyone has a movie they want to make. But how many of us ever actually do it?  Very few.  Well, a friend of mine did. I thought it would be interesting (and maybe inspiring) to hear his journey. Jeff Kingery is the producer and director of TABLE 47, a noir thriller made in Denver using local actors and crew. The website will show you how you can stream it on fifteen different platforms including Amazon and iTunes. 

What also interesting about Jeff is that for years he was the radio voice of the Denver Nuggets and then the radio voice of the Colorado Rockies. Not exactly Steven Spielberg’s background.

Anyway, I sat down with Jeff and here’s our interview: 

ME: Being a big league announcer is a very coveted job. Some stay in it for 67 years. Sure, calling Rockies games must’ve been tough. Every final score was 16-14, but still, why did you walk away from it?

JEFF: Filmmaking was my first love. I loved doing that as a kid. I’d shoot movies on 8mm and show them around the neighborhood. I had fun doing student films in college. I enjoyed doing the Rockies and Nuggets. But I was getting tired. Loved doing the games but everything else was wearing on me, especially the travel.

ME: I know. It takes over an hour to get to and from that damn Denver airport.

JEFF: The big question though was what was I going to do to fill that creative hole once I left the booth? I always liked to write. And maybe I’d have a chance to actually make a movie.

ME: So talk about the beginning of the project.

JEFF: I had this idea floating around for awhile. I love the noir genre. So I wrote TABLE 47 first as a short story, showed it to my partner Mike Brody, and we thought it was a movie we could make for a small budget.

ME: In sense you wrote a treatment.

JEFF:  Right.  We planned it out. He would write the screenplay, I would direct, and together we would find investors.

ME: To me that’s the toughest part. As Larry Gelbart once said, “You’re on your knees to German dentists.”

JEFF: We went to friends and some family. We put in some money ourselves.

ME: What was the budget?

JEFF: Around $65,000.

ME: How much is that in German Marks?

JEFF: Out of that budget we were able to pay everybody including the crew.

ME: Was that your original budget? Did it grow once you got into production?

JEFF: No, the budget was pretty accurate. We did need to add a little at the end, but not much.

ME: I’ve always felt that the most important decisions you’ll ever have to make is casting. Everything else can be fixed. Was casting fun? A nightmare? Were roles hard to cast? Easy? Was it an exhilarating process or frustrating?

JEFF: All of the above. We put the word out through local film and theater sites. We were swamped. We were looking to cast six parts. Fortunately, we knew we had our lead – Michael Haskins. We had used him before. He has several TV and movie credits. One part was hard to find, but when Danielle Prall came in, halfway through the audition I knew she was the one.

ME: I guess there are crews everywhere. How did you get yours? 

JEFF: I had worked with the DP on a smaller project. He brought in people and others just applied.

ME: I guess it helped that it wasn’t ski season. So putting on your director hat (beret?), how did you prep for the film? Did you make storyboards? Rehearse? Plan it on the fly?

JEFF: I had a vision of how I wanted to shoot it. I did some bastardized storyboards, but I used color highlighters on the script to indicate which camera angle I wanted. Once I got on the set though I had to be flexible. The writer had his vision, the actors had ideas, and the DP had thoughts. Also the editor when I reached that phase. Everybody adds to it and you have to embrace that. The best thing you can do is listen to everybody, but then you have to make a decision and go.

ME: Especially on a limited budget with the clock ticking. So was the final cut sort of close to your original coded script?

JEFF: Uh… yeah.

ME: How long was the shooting schedule?

JEFF: Nineteen days.

ME: That’s pretty short. Even for an indie.

JEFF: Well, most of the scenes took place in a restaurant/bar. They gave us the two days a week they were closed. So we used them for a couple of weeks. Then we shot outside a couple of days and other various interiors like houses. We pretty much destroyed that bar and restaurant.

ME: I would expect nothing less. Now every time I watch PROJECT GREENLIGHT there are always mishaps, crises, stunts gone awry, actors in tears, etc. Did you experience any PROJECT GREENLIGHT crises?

JEFF: Yes. It was the third day of shooting. For whatever reason we couldn’t get anything right. The actors would be perfect but there were focus problems. Then the tech was perfect but the actors stumbled. Everyone was getting very cranky and there was a lot of tension building.

ME: Did you have a David O. Russell meltdown or just break down crying?

JEFF: No, I just decided to call it for the day. Said, “Come back tomorrow. We’ll get it.” You have to understand that the crew all had other jobs. They’d finish up something at midnight and have to be on the set at 6:00 AM. I think everyone was just tired.

ME: Gee, you’re no fun. You’ll never get on a reality show pulling that shit.

JEFF: After that day the shoot went great.

ME: Did you try for film festivals?

JEFF: We did do the film festival run but didn’t do well with that.

ME: I told you to get Meryl Streep for your film.  Nothing against Michael Haskins.

JEFF: But we developed a relationship with Indie Rights and they wanted to distribute it. They were able to get us on all the various streaming platforms. Film festivals would be nice, but if I had a choice of distribution and a worldwide audience as opposed to smaller audiences at film festivals I would take it the way it worked out.

ME: Well, as someone who has two unproduced indie screenplays, I’m very impressed and jealous. Making your own movie is a herculean undertaking. Congratulations and see you at the Oscars.

JEFF: Thanks much.

ME: TABLE 47. Check it out here.

UNDATEABLE LIVE

I’m on the fence about UNDATEABLE LIVE.

There are a lot of things about I like.

I like its energy and desire to make you laugh. It has a likable cast, (notably Chris D’Elia) and it’s willing to take chances. That last thing is particularly refreshing given networks’ desperate desire to always be safe.

What bothers me is that the show is clearly a gimmick. Gimmicks get tiresome. And the gimmick, at times, comes at the expense of the product.

UNDATEABLE LIVE breaks rules, which is mostly good but also has downsides.

The characters know they’re in a comedy. Whenever that occurs the show stops appearing real. I firmly believe audiences have to be invested in the characters for a sitcom to achieve long-term success. The problems have to matter to the characters and it has to matter to the viewers whether they solve them. Otherwise, you’re only as good as your last joke. Once you’ve seen an episode you generally have no desire to see it again.

And the ultimate goal is to have your show go into syndication. That’s where you can make hundreds of millions in success. UNDATEABLE LIVE is essentially forfeiting that. BUT, in this case, syndication’s not the real goal. NBC just wants to attract viewers NOW. And if that’s the case, and if actors making inside jokes or going up on lines brings in eyeballs, then what the hell? You’re doing a live show; you might as well go for it.

And now I’m going to waffle again. I worry that the gimmick isn’t big enough. It’s not such a novelty to see a live comedy. We’re been watching SNL for a gazillion years now. Actors breaking up and technical glitches – been there, seen that. And SNL has the added X-factor of a different guest host each week. The cast may be used to performing live every week but the Hollywood movie star or politician/joke isn’t.

Even after a few weeks I can see the cast of UNDATEABLE LIVE getting into a comfortable groove. Those glitches may disappear, or worse, become calculated and forced.

And my other beef is that this is just another example of the lack of faith in multi-camera comedies. There now have to be gimmicks. Characters have to be self-aware and almost apologetic. On some shows (2 BROKE GIRLS) the comedy has to be strictly low road.

And still, I say there’s a place for those kinds of shows as long as networks are also developing well-written intelligent comedies where characters are important and story is important, and maybe there’s even a theme and some humanity. Can’t both of these multi-camera forms co-exist?

I’d actually like to attend a taping (or is it an “airing?”) of an UNDATEABLE LIVE episode. It would be fun to compare the experience of actually being there to the experience of watching it on television. If nothing else, it might help me to finally get off the fence.

Who would play you in the movie?

This is a re-post from four years ago, but with STEVE JOBS now out I thought it would be a good time to reprise it.

Lately, there have been a lot of movies either made or in development about real life people. SOCIAL NETWORK for one. 127 HOURS is another. Upcoming you have MONEYBALL where Brad Pitt (of all people) plays the Oakland A’s General Manager, Billy Bean. And recently I read that the tell-all book on ESPN is soon to be a minor motion picture.

Keith Olbermann and Dan Patrick are already speculating on who would play them in the movie. (Too bad Groucho is dead, Keith.)

But it brings up the question – say there was a movie of your life – who would play you in the movie? Now your first response might be – YOU. Why not play yourself? Well, that’s only been partially successful in the past. Ann Jillian pulled it off in THE ANN JILLIAN STORY but Jackie Robinson not so much in THE JACKIE ROBINSON STORY.

Ann at least is a real actor. The truth is good actors will usually do a better job of playing you than you. Raymond Massey was a much better choice to play Abraham Lincoln than Lincoln himself, and not just because he was dead. Massey brought out a warmth that those who knew Lincoln admitted he didn’t have.

Another problem with playing yourself is pulling off those scenes when you were much younger. Imagine Mary Tyler Moore today trying to recreate Laura Petrie? Yiiiiiikes.

So if a Hollywood actor/actress were to play you, who would it be? After the joke answers of George Clooney and Penelope Cruz, which star best resembles you in looks and personality? After the second joke answers of still George Clooney and Penelope Cruz, who would it be?

Probably for me, if I’m being honest, Ann Jillian. Damn, it’s hard to play this game and not give joke answers.

Okay, for real – maybe David Strathern. Possibly Steve Colbert. Someone tall, dark, believable as a blogger.

So what about you? And how many joke answers until you settled on one that’s believable?

Here’s the thing that worries me about my movie. I can understand a studio not letting me play myself. But they probably wouldn’t let me write it either.

More people probably watched AfterMASH than the World Series

An article appeared this week written by Michael Mulvihill, the Senior Vice President of Programming, Research, & Content Strategy for Fox Sports. In the article, he makes the case that World Series rating numbers need to be judged in context. There are now so many more alternative choices and he feels it is unfair to compare today’s numbers with those of forty years ago when there were only three networks. He spells it out better than I do but I believe that’s the gist.

Mr. Mulvihill contends we must judge World Series numbers with non-sports hits. Doing that, the World Series is doing just as well today with an 8.7 rating as it did forty years ago with a rating of 28.7.

That’s a lovely spin, but I think you have to look further.

No matter how many other choices we have, if there’s a mega event, it will still get enormous ratings. That’s the one time major broadcast networks still rule. They’re free and available in every home.

The Super Bowl’s numbers are not a third of what they were forty years ago. The World Series used to be in that category. It’s not anymore. Whether it’s on Fox or NBC.

Major League Baseball has strengthened its brand and added playoffs, instituted interleague play, and created regional networks, but it comes at the expense of its once-biggest attraction.

And sure, there are extenuating factors. Big marquee teams like the Yankees and Dodgers and (hopefully in my lifetime) the Cubs will draw more interest than Tampa Bay or (hopefully in my lifetime) Seattle. If a series goes seven games instead of four it’s more competitive and that builds an audience. Are there stars competing? Does anyone other that baseball fans know who these guys are? Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio? Or even Barry Bonds?

And then there’s the presentation itself. Joe Buck has his admirers but also his haters. I doubt if there would be petition campaigns to get rid of Vin Scully. (For the record, I like Joe Buck.) Still, I think presentation is a minor factor. If you want to watch the World Series you will. NOTE TO FOX though: Dump Harold Reynolds and hire Alex Rodriguez. He was GREAT (and I don’t like Alex Rodriguez).

The bottom line: Yes, there are more choices, but there are also more people in America than there were forty years ago. The World Series should be a juggernaut. Fox and MLB should not be popping champagne because it finishes third behind THE BIG BANG THEORY.

Oh, and just remember, since we’re spinning numbers – more people watched AfterMASH than THE BIG BANG THEORY. I’m just sayin’.

Friday Questions

First Friday Questions of November.

Joseph Scarbrough starts us off:

Occasionally on AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS, Tom Bergeron will playfully mention he can make all the references and mentions to Mickey Mouse and related characters he wants without getting in trouble as both properties are owned by Disney. I've also noticed from time to time GREEN ACRES would mention/acknowledge other CBS shows of the time like THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES (a given, Paul Henning was involved with both shows), GOMER PYLE, and HOGAN'S HEROES. And yet another example being THE MUNSTERS referencing LEAVE IT TO BEAVER (from the same creators).

Can a show actually get into legal trouble for mentioning another show or associated characters from a rival network or studio?

No. They’re a matter of public record.  However, they can’t show any segment of the mentioned show or playback any portion of it without permission. That gets into ownership rights and royalties.

Shows cross-reference competing series and networks all the time now. But that wasn’t always the case. In the early days of television, networks felt that by mentioning the competition they were in fact promoting their rivals.

Same with advertising. Competing brands were always called “Brand X.”

Now that line has completely blurred. Jimmy Kimmell goes on Stephen Colbert’s show. Networks run commercials promoting competing networks. Sponsors compare themselves to their competition all the time. SHARK TANK, an ABC show, runs in syndication on CNBC.

This makes sense really. We, the audience know who the other brands are; who the other networks are. To pretend we don’t is silly. I always thought a laundry detergent back in the 1950’s would've been smart to change their name to BRAND X.

From Canda:

Ken, in your opinion, when a joke is rewritten on the fly by the writers, and inserted in the script immediately after the audience has heard the old line, how many times do you think the new joke was actually better and funnier, and how many times do you think it got a big laugh just because the audience was surprised by the new joke (expecting to hear the old one again)?

I would say the batting average is not that high. People in the studio might laugh more because it’s a new joke, but the home viewer won’t be so moved.

Sometimes jokes don’t work because the studio audience couldn’t hear it well, or the monitor showed the wrong thing. Writers and producers on the floor wouldn’t know that.

Taking the time to rewrite on the fly also comes with a price. The audience has to wait while the writers come up with something. Two or three of these five to ten minute confabs and you lose the audience. They stop being engaged in the show. They get antsy and just want to leave. Is that really worth a new joke that might be 10% better?

Obviously, you don’t want to air jokes that completely bomb, but hopefully your first cut will be long and you can just cut the duds.

It’s all just personal preference, but on my shows I want them to move fast when an audience is present. I don’t want half hour costume changes, I don’t want hair and make up taking five minutes of undetectable touch-up between every take. If you make the effort to have a studio audience you need to respect them and not waste their time. But again, that’s me.

cd1515 asks:

It seems pretty common for writers to complain about network interference, and I have no doubt most of it's true, but I am curious: have you seen or heard of instances where the network insisted on something that actually made the product BETTER?

Sure. Brandon Tartikoff at NBC, and Tim Flack, Dick Kirschner, and Maddie Horne of CBS all gave notes that were helpful and welcomed.

On the studio side, Grant Tinker of MTM, and Kerry McCluggage, John Symes, and Garry Hart of Paramount offered valued feedback. There are probably a few others that I’m just blanking on. Sorry to those individuals.

But to answer your question.  Yes.  Absolutely.  And I'm grateful for their efforts.  

Scott wonders:

Ken, with the proliferation of promo bugs (those extremely annoying graphics for other shows on the network), do TV directors try to keep all the action in the upper two-thirds of the screen and let the lower third be wasted?

I can only speak for myself, but I don’t concern myself with that at all. Most of the action is in the upper two-thirds anyway. As a director I’m concerned with keeping the viewer focused on the most important thing on the screen at that moment.

But let’s say there’s a scene where two people are at the kitchen table. The story calls for a large cockroach to scurry across the table. Obviously that will be in the lower portion of the picture (unless I shoot a close up of the cockroach, which is unlikely since it would be jarring). I don’t reconfigure my framing to accommodate network “bugs” or “meatballs” or running banners. I would hope THEY would make allowances, but of course I’m dreaming.

What is your FQ?

Come to my blog party

In celebration of my blog's 10th anniversary this month I am having a get-together in Los Angeles on Tuesday, November 17th from 7:30-10:00 at the WGA library -- 7000 W. 3rd St, LA, 90048 (the corner of third and Fairfax).   It will be very informal -- beverages and snacks.  But I would love to meet as many of you intrepid readers as possible.  Space is limited so you must RSVP.   If you can come, please RSVP Cynthia Furey at furey.cynthia@gmail.com.  Thanks so much to Cynthia and the WGA for making this happen.   And special thanks to all you readers who will be flying in from Norway and India to attend this. 

Hollywood's latest panic

The studios are all up in arms because recent releases starring big name stars Bradley Cooper and Sandra Bullock bombed horribly. Hollywood pays these stars stupid money so that their films will open big at the boxoffice.

The theory is that audiences go to the movies to see movie stars. And even Nancy Meyer films will open big if they have mega star power.

But that’s changing.

Franchises now open movies. Hence all the sequels. No one went to see FURIOUS SEVEN because Vin Diesel was in it. Or even Jordana Brewster. When Daniel Craig is James Bond his movies open huge. When he’s some schmuck dealing with emotional problems audiences shrug.

Everyone is all geeked up to see the new STAR WARS movie and they would be no less excited if I were starring in it. At this moment in time, TOY STORY’S Woody is a bigger draw than Tom Hanks.

Once upon a time movie stars were aloof. They were larger-than-life. You only read about them in gossip rags. They only came out and mingled with mortals during red carpet events. The only way to really feast on them was to go to your local Cineplex when their dazzling new movie opened. Even it was SAHARA.

Today Oscar winners are doing car commercials, reality shows, and ELLEN. PEOPLE Magazine shows them paying at Jiffy Lube.  The better dramatic roles are in television, and stars who once looked down their surgically-repaired noses at TV are clamoring to be in something streamed by Hulu. There is no such thing as the “big screen” anymore. A handful of movies are in IMAX, and the rest are just fine for viewing on your iPad. You don’t go to IMAX movies to see “stars.” It’s not like you need eighty-foot screens to fully appreciate Anne Hathaway.

And who today is even considered to be that big a star that he alone could open a movie? Denzel? Not many lines around the block to see THE EQUALIZER. Will Smith? Puh-leeze. George Clooney? How’d he do in TOMORROWLAND? Or THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS? Or BATMAN & ROBIN for that matter. He couldn’t even open a franchise. The truth is any star you name, no matter how big, how popular, how zeitgeist beloved – is guaranteed to open big at the boxoffice.

I would like to think (in the fantasy world I live in) that movie audiences are more discerning today. (I'll pause while you laugh.)  There is so much good entertainment on television and movie prices are so high that folks are less apt to just throw down their money because their favorite star is in it.

But that said, a movie star can greatly elevate a decent movie into a much better one. Just imagine THE MARTIAN starring Keanu Reeves. There are certain actors who just command your attention. There’s something about them that is special. So you put them in a project with an interesting story and give them good writers, directors, and top notch crews and you have the recipe for POSSIBLE magic. I say “possible” because you still never know.

But no one wanted to see a film about a political campaign in Bolivia. Even with Oscar winner Sandra Bullock. And no one gave a shit about another prima donna chef. Even with flavor-of-the-month, Bradley Cooper.

Another reason studios are always so willing to pin their hopes on stars is because they can use those stars to cover their own ass. “Hey, I got you Sandra Bullock. Who knew people didn’t want to see her as… what was she in again?”

So lots of movies are coming out this holiday season. Tina Fey & Amy Poehler have a comedy. So does Seth Rogen. Bryan Cranston is in a drama that’s getting good buzz. But the real talk is all the franchises. STAR WARS, James Bond, a new Tarentino, HUNGER GAMES, Alvin & the Chipmunks, and PEANUTS. If there’s any one star who’s big enough to still open a movie today I’m going to say it’s Charlie Brown.

No one watches commercials, not even the advertisers

It’s bad enough that commercial breaks are ten minutes and that all spots are thirty seconds so we are barraged with ads. And further ads and promos appear as banners in the lower part of your screen. Then you have sporting events on TV with billboards prominent in the picture from every angle you’re shown.

But networks (and now apparently sponsors themselves) don’t seem to mind that competing products can be shown back to back.

In Don Draper’s day that would never happen. Nor in Darrin Stephens’ day (oh wait, they’re the same day). Really as late as the late ‘70s.

Once upon a time you would never see a Ford commercial butted up against a Chevy spot. If that happened via a screw up, neither would pay for their commercial. Products had it in their contracts that there had to be a time separation between them and any competitors.

And these provisions advertisers took very seriously.

At the famous corner of Hollywood & Vine in the Taft building there was a nondescript group of offices on one of the upper floors. They belonged to a firm that called itself “Radio TV Reports.”

There were TV’s, radios, and VCR’s. The person on duty would tape all three networks every night, list the commercials and log in when they aired. He’d then cut out the programming part and just keep the commercials. Sort of the opposite of what everyone else in the world does. He would also monitor local radio and TV newscasts looking for stories that featured corporate mentions.

He would flag any violations or technical problems that prevented a commercial from airing in its entirety.

If you liked watching TV it was a great job – although it’s like watching porn and only viewing the parts where the people were dressed.

It was also a lonely job. Ideal for serial killers and people who don’t bathe.

But advertisers went to the time and expense to have watchdogs in those days. And now? It’s like no one gives a shit. As long as any advertiser comes along with money, networks will air it. They’ll jam as many spots into a commercial break as they’re legally allowed with total disregard to any conflicts. There are gambling ads on sporting events. I’m surprised there are no beer ads on kids’ shows (although I’m sure that’s coming).

This is reaching absurd levels. I knew we were in the bizarro world when a certain movie advertised on Dodger television and the great Vin Scully had to say in his majestic voice, “Dodger baseball is brought to you tonight by DINNER FOR SCHMUCKS.”

If there was a movie called BREAKFAST FOR DOUCHEBAGS I’m sure they would have sponsored the following inning.