LA vs. LA

With the big UCLA-USC football game taking place this weekend (such that it was), much was written about the bitter rivalry between these two great institutions (well, UCLA is) and how rare it is to see this city divided. Huh??? For those of us who live here, Los Angeles is teeming with rivalries. Here are just a few examples.

The Eastside vs. the Westside (better known as 310 vs. 323) -- Eastsiders feel the west is snobby, arrogant, privileged. And worse, they can’t afford to live there themselves. Westsiders are, well…just afraid of the Eastsiders. And other than to venture to the Staples Center there’s no reason to go there. Next year, however, 310 will be split into two area codes – 310 and 424. When that happens things will get ugly. Neighbor at war with neighbor. Bel Air Security will have to hire additional drunk LAPD academy washouts to keep order.

Flood risk homeowners vs. Fire risk homeowners -- Personally, I’m on the side of the fire risk folk. I love every couple of years seeing Barbra Streisand and Barry Diller filling sandbags to save their Malibu Colony homes.

The Lakers vs. the Clippers -- Not very heated because Clipper fans are really Laker fans who can only afford Clipper prices.

The Dodgers vs. the Angels – The Dodgers have Vin Scully. The Angels have a better team, a better owner, a manager, a comparable ballpark, more rabid fans, comparable attendance. Do the math. The Dodgers counter all of this by still listing the Angels as “Anaheim” on their out of town scoreboard. Whoooooooh, that’ll show ‘em.

SUV’s vs. every other car on the road – Especially when Westside women drive them. As my friend Dave Hackel observed, unless they put a Gelsons at the top of a mountain there’s no reason these women need four-wheel drive. A subset of this rivalry is all cars, (including SUV’s) vs. Hummers. I think we could shoot the several thousand Hummer owners and have room to bury them all in one Hummer.

KFWB vs KNX -- The two all-news stations. What makes this rivalry somewhat absurd is that the same company owns them both. Some newswriters are even asked to contribute to both stations. But to create that division that drives competition they only hire bi-polar newswriters.

Hollywood vs. West Hollywood – It’s a constant tug-of-war to see who is tackier, trashier, and has the most transsexuals.

Pilates vs. “Crunch” – Great animosity exists between women exercisers . On the one hand “Crunch” requires only a half hour, but pilate places provide easier parking for SUV’s.

XTRA vs KSPN – the two All-sports stations fight hard over the fifteen listeners who bother to tune in either one.

The Channel 5 Morning News vs. the Channel 11 Morning News – the limbo bar of local journalism (or is it bimbo bar?). Channel 11 gets the edge because their anchor, Jillian Barberie, is also appearing on Fox’s “Skating with the Stars” reality show premiering in January.

Democrats vs. Republicans – Los Angeles politics that will determine the course of this city now and for our children – Nah, no one gives a shit.