Hawaiian I

Back from a long weekend getaway to the Grand Wailea Hotel in Maui. Please keep watching those CHEERS reruns. Please!!!!

First thing spotted upon leaving the airport – the “Bad Ass Coffee Company”. Yes!! I’m in Hawaii!

The Grand Wailea is now managed by Hilton. In order to give it that Hilton “signature” they’re starting a major renovation – making the walls between each room thinner.

Can Neutrogenia soap be far behind?

Lots of conventioneers here this time of year. You can tell because…
…the bars are always packed.
…you see grown ups going down the water slides …fully clothed.
…at 10:15, noon, and 2:30 you hear “BI BI AMERICAN PIE” coming out of every room.

There are also a lot of 50 year old guys with gorgeous 30 year old blondes who are SAYING they’re at a convention.

A local newscast featured a ski report. To get to Aspen from here you need more than chains.

We commandeered a secluded vacant cabana. (They go for $200 a day. A major GNP in Hawaii is shade.) I was very relaxed but my wife acted like it was 1938 Vienna.

Big doings: The magnificent Queen Elizabeth II was here for a day. She asked directions to Australia then headed out.

Hard to say who’s more famous here – Captain Cook or Captain Morgan.

Sunday night we suffered through the Academy Awards and ordered room service. I asked the waiter if this was his busiest night of the year? He said not even close. It’s worse every night that AMERICAN IDOL is on. Hmmm. Maybe Simon Cowell should host the Oscars.

The Maui newspaper (the Herald-Macadamia I believe) had a big story on which four contestants got voted off of AMERICAN IDOL. News on Iraq came three pages later.

This is whale watching season. It’s a sight not to be missed. There are excursion boats for $30 or you could go out on the QE2 for $25,000. The QE2 provides snacks.

Meanwhile, Britney Spears is vacationing next door at the Four Seasons. Excursion boats are $30.

We were lucky. Fabulous weather. Meanwhile, on Oahu on Thursday one side of the island got no rain while the other got 11 inches in like twenty minutes. The story was on page three because Paula Abdul getting past airport security in Las Vegas was the big headline.

We missed the Maui Celtic Pipes & Drums concert. When you think of Hawaii you naturally think of bagpipes.

Now that Hilton runs the Grand Wailea if you stay here for two weeks you get one free night at the Des Moines Airport Hilton.

I was the only one on the beach reading “Great Pretenders: My Strange Love Affair with ‘50s Pop Music” by Karen Schoemer. All you ever wanted to know about Patti Page including who she is.

The Aloha Spirit is alive: Supposedly Maui police have shot more civilians than all other Hawaiian island police forces combined. “Book him, Dan –“ BANG!!!

Saw a sign on the road that said DOLLARS FOR COLLARS. At first I thought it was a pet shelter but maybe it has something to do with police arrests.

I wonder if Hawaii Governor Linda Lingle is aware of this. (Even elected officials sound like they’re lounge singers at the Lahaina Marriott.)

But I don’t care if it’s a police state, has floods, local news even worse than Fox, and is overpriced – Hawaii is heaven on earth and someday that’s where I want to live. And if you ask what would I do there? The local McDonalds has a big banner that says ALWAYS HIRING.

Aloha,

Kahuna Ken