Your guide to 24

For everybody who says “I hear 24 is great but I don’t want to join it in the middle” Sunday night is your chance to start fresh with a whole new day and season.

And if you’re not familiar with the characters, let me quickly get you up to speed.

JACK BAUER (Kiefer Sutherland) – Has personally saved the world from nuclear war, a killer virus, deadly terrorist attacks, Richard Nixon’s even more evil twin, the destruction of Los Angeles, and a presidential assassination yet has not received so much as a holiday ham from this grateful nation. Last seen on a slow boat to China where torture awaited. Once they broke him down to where he could pass for Nick Nolte they returned him. That’s where this season picks up.

CHLOE (Mary Lynn Rajskub) - CTU agent, computer whiz, and my favorite character on television even though I often want to slap her. Could not be more snotty, could not have worse people skills. She’s the template for every US postal employee.

NINA, GEORGE, SHERRY, TERI, EDGAR, any civilian who ever assisted Jack – dead so don’t worry about them. Same with TONY, MICHELLE, and PRESIDENT PALMER (I hope he had good Allstate Life Insurance).

AUDREY (Kim Raver) – Jack’s willowy annoying girlfriend. Mad at Jack for a host of reasons. And furious that he didn’t save her when she was held hostage in a bank. Jack tried to explain that was THE NINE, it wasn’t his show but she still is hurt. I guess the sex is great but when does he ever have time?

WAYNE PALMER (D.B. Woodside) – David Palmer’s brother. Now the President. It’s as if Fredo were in the White House. Wait a minute, Fredo IS in the White House.

CURTIS (Roger Cross) – Another CTU field agent. Does not yet have enough viewer popularity to be killed. But this could be his year.

KIMBERLY (Elisha Cuthbert) – Jack’s insufferable daughter. Been kidnapped so many times she now brings her own rope and gag. Can not ride in a car unless she’s in the trunk.

BILL BUCHANAN (James Morrison) – Head of CTU’s Los Angeles branch. Often mistaken for Max Headroom.

KAREN HAYES (Jayne Atkinson) – Uptight but fair Director of Homeland Security. Will sleep with Bill Buchanan once she receives authorization in triplicate.

MARTHA LOGAN (Jean Smart) – Former First Lady. Good hearted but a little nuts. Among her advisors were Malibu Barbie and Skipper.

Plus, new this year because the network insisted on stunt casting – Hamri Al-assad and Ahmed Amar.

So let the shootings, explosions, mayhem, suspense, twists, and uninterrupted cellphone service no matter where Jack is begin!!