Upfronts and Personal Announcements

First a couple of announcements. I will back on the radio Saturday night from 7-midnight P.D.T. playing the hits on KRTH 101 in Los Angeles. You can also hear the station on the web.

Secondly, my partner and I just sold a spec pilot script to FX. We’re very excited and hope that it goes. But we’re not buying any new homes just yet. The cable development season runs on a very different schedule than the networks’. There are no “fall seasons” or upfronts deadlines they must make. Pilots get greenlit and ordered based on need. It seems a much more civilized way to work.

Meanwhile, the networks upfronts process is going on right now in New York. Fall schedules will be announced very soon. To give you some idea of what takes place I’m posting an excerpt from my play, UPFRONTS AND PERSONAL. To help you picture the characters I’m listing the actors who participated in my L.A. reading.

The set up: A hotel suite a studio is using as its war room. Very early in the play. Donald is the studio president (Ed Asner), Andy his officious veep (Patrick Breen). Matthew has just arrived (Matt Letscher). He’s the young wide-eyed neophyte writer. Later Gary and Beth will enter. (Jason Alexander & Wendie Malick). They’ve been through the wars.


MATTHEW
Hey, let me ask you -- why do they call this process the "Up Fronts"?

DONALD
The networks announce their new Fall schedules then the advertisers buy commercial time "up front". Spending billions on nothing more than blind faith. It's like if you put an Off-track betting window in a mental institution.

MATTHEW
Well, I appreciate your letting me be here for this.

DONALD
It's not a studio perk. The networks like to have the show runners available if they have any stupid questions.
(chuckling)
Andy, remember, Bob Milstein?

ANDY
(chuckling too.)
Priceless.

MATTHEW
What?

DONALD
Walter was screening his pilot and said, "I want to see more close ups!" And Bob said, "Then move your chair up."
(suddenly somber)
Bob's writing for the Disney Channel now. We'll never hear from him again.

MATTHEW
So I guess we do it New York because that's where the money is, right?

DONALD
No, it's 'cause that's where our wives aren't. Take a fruit basket. Take four of 'em.

MATTHEW
Thanks.
(crossing to the window)
So...let's check out the view.
(he sees it, disappointed)
Oh.

ANDY
We usually have a higher suite but apparently Queen Latifah is in town and she has dogs, and the dogs need to see the sky for some reason we haven't been told so...well, here we are.

DONALD
Feel free to take a dump on the carpet. Fuck 'em.

MATTHEW
Well, there's always the Empire State Building.

ANDY
First time in New York?

MATTHEW
Are you kidding? Never been out of So-Cal. This is totally unreal. Three years ago I'm working at Kinkos writing scripts at night. And now here I am with my own TV show.

(DONALD takes a big gulp of HIS drink. There's a KNOCK at the door. As ANDY crosses to answer:)

ANDY
Come on. It's refreshing. You know what happens to writers after a couple of years.

(ANDY opens the door. GARY NOGLE and BETH HELLER enter. Both are in their 40's. GARY is wiry, always a little revved. BETH is taller than GARY, attractive, bright, and seemingly very much in command.)

(GARY is schlepping a large heavy garment bag.)

GARY
I mean it, Beth. I can't do this anymore. I walked by that idiot in front of the hotel, y'know, the one wearing the big Beefeaters costume and I thought to myself: "Oh my God, I envy that man. I wish I had his job." A Beefeater, Beth! With the hat, and the stick, and the little tights, and...that's when you know it's time to get out.

BETH
So why did you come?

GARY
Why do you think? I had to. If we're going to get our damn show renewed they've got to see I'm committed to the fucking thing one hundred percent.

DONALD
That's what you want -- Talented and trapped.