Daytime TV

Don’t come too close. I’m sick. Been leveled by the flu all week. So I did what I usually never do – watched daytime television. This resulted in depression along with the fever. The commercials alone can get into your head, pounding the same message – you’re a LOSER! You have no job, you can’t post bail, you can’t get auto insurance, you don’t know a trade, you’re a trapped housewife, the day is soon coming when you’re going to need the “Scooter Store”. Why Dr. Kervokian doesn’t advertise on morning TV I’ll never know.

Anyway, I decided to do a little channel surfing and at random this is what I found from about 10 to noon on Wednesday, January 23, 2008.

THE PRICE IS RIGHT – Drew Carey does a nice job, very personable. Doesn’t let on that he thinks these contestants are idiots (which, good God they ARE). That takes a real talent. I couldn’t do it. Someone would say a new car costs $3000 and I would say, “Are you fucking kidding me? Are you a moron? $3000 for a new car? What world do you live in? Has anyone told you you’re too fucking stupid to live? And by the way, that cowboy hat looks ridiculous and you’re on a national television show, you can’t wear anything better than a fucking T-shirt?”

TODAY – How many hours is that damn thing on? Ann Curry was doing her best to stay awake.

JERRY SPRINGER – A streaker with balloon animals wrapped around his head was being chased through the studio. So a typical day.

MIKE & JULIET – Mike has had more face work than Mary Tyler Moore. Phyllis Diller looks more natural. There was a debate over whether your kids should be permitted to have sex in your house. Brain trust Juliet asked one of the experts: “Does age make a difference?”

THE VIEW – Tom Brokaw was guesting with the hens pimping his book 1968. They managed to zero in on the most significant event of that year – bra burning.

LEG MAGIC INFORMERCIAL – Testimonials from women who have gone from size 20 to size 16. Hosted by hot bulimic models.

DIVORCE COURT – A husband was accused of cheating on his wife and having sex at work. Angrily he responded, “It wasn’t at work!”

There were 7 channels selling jewelry.

LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE – First line of dialogue I heard, “Daddy, can we go to church tomorrow?”

C-SPAN – the U.S. House of Representatives were discussing the practice of stalking. Most seemed to be against it. But that could just be because it's an election year.

JUDGE MATHIS – Judge Judy has spawned like ten more judge shows (another reason to hate her). This one wants to be Cosby. From what I gathered, a woman was suing a guy because he was no longer performing well in bed. Didn’t Fat Albert have the same problem?

JUDGE ALEX – Captain America in a robe (pictured right) . A couple having problems because they were both sleeping with each other’s best friend.

STEVE WILKOS SHOW – Who is this guy? I’ve never heard of him. And he has his own show. It’s as if Dr. Phil were a member of the Sopranos. Only host capable of killing his guests right on camera.

KCBS-2 NEWS – Britney Spears custody hearing with a live report.

There were six channels showing music videos.

TYRA BANKS – Dr. Drew was the guest. Isn’t he the guest on every show? Reverend Gene Scott didn’t get as much airtime.

MATLOCK – This was the classic episode where he wins his case.

ER – This was the classic episode where someone was brought in with an emergency and we follow the gurney as everybody runs along and yells instructions.

Seven channels have SESAME STREET. Big Bird is aging much better than Maria.

BEST OF MIKE & MIKE – Radio on television is always great.

FOX NEWS – Click!

CNN HEADLINE NEWS – A flying saucer citing.

LIVING SINGLE: Girl: “How’d you get to be a handyman?” Guy: “Well, I’ve always been handy and I grew into the man part.” Huge laugh from the audience. Click!

WILL & GRACE – Should be called JACK & KAREN because they’re the funny ones.

WALKER TEXAS RANGER – Chuck Norris teaching teenagers how to break jaws.

ROCK OF LOVE 2: Hot skanky women in a roller derby competition to win the favor of a guy who looks like Meatloaf wearing a bandana. It’s the bikers’ version of THE BACHELOR.

At this point I turned off the TV and took my meds, even though I wasn’t supposed to for two more hours.