This is my Superbowl tradition -- to present the "Lost scene of CHEERS". My partner, David Isaacs and I wrote it, it was seen by EIGHTY MILLION people, (alm
ost double the audience of the final episode of CHEERS)… then never shown again.. I’m not even sure if a copy of the film still exists. And after being buried for over twenty years, here’s the lost script of that scene. Backstory: People forget but Cheers wasn’t always an enormous hit. The first season’s ratings (1982-83) were terrible…as in “dead last”. In today’s world both the CW and Univision would kick our ass. In an effort to get better exposure NBC asked if we’d do a special scene to be aired sometime during the Superbowl pre game show. Pete Axthelm (pictured), the distinguished sports columnist for Newsweek and gambling tout for the Peacock agreed to appear. David and I banged out the scene. NBC aired it…right before kick-off. Talk about a good time slot.
Enjoy, trivia buffs:
FADE IN:
INT. BAR – EARLY AFTERNOON
CARLA, CLIFF AND NORM ARE AT THE TABLE WATCHING TELEVISION. SAM IS AT THE BAR. DIANE ENTERS.
DIANE
Morning everyone.
EVERYONE AD LIBS HELLO’S.
DIANE
You boys are here early today.
NORM
Superbowl Sunday, Diane. The only reason for living…not found in a mug.
CLIFF
We’re early because we gotta catch all twelve hours of the Superbowl pre-game show.
CARLA
Started off this morning with the Superbowl Mass. Moved right into NFL ’82.
SAM
The next hour they’re going to trace the family tree of every player on both sides.
DIANE
Ah, the big game. An American tradition. These athletes will test themselves for all they’re worth. They’ll spit farther than they’ve ever spat before. They’ll scratch in places no man has ever dared to scratch. That is entertainment.
CLIFF
Yeah. Superbowl Seventeen. Or as the French would say it, (IN JOHN’S UNIQUE FRENCH ACCENT) “Superbowl Seventeen”.
PETE AXTHELM ENTERS AND APPROACHES THE BAR.
PETE
(TO SAM) Excuse me. Do you have a phone here? I’ve got the only bookmaker on the planet that I can’t get in touch with on Superbowl Sunday.
SAM
Yeah, it’s down the hall.
CARLA
Hey, you’re Pete Axthelm.
PETE
That depends on whether you want to thank me or hit me for my selections this year.
SAM
Welcome to Cheers.
EVERYONE EXCEPT DIANE ACKNOWLEDGES HIM.
CLIFF
Hey, how come you’re not out there in Pasadena?
PETE
I should be. It’s the last time I book a flight through Jimmy the Greek’s travel agency.
DIANE
Excuse me my ignorance, but I don’t know this gentleman. Will you introduce us?
SAM
This is Pete Axthelm. Pete’s the NBC house tout. Picks all the big games. He’s even right every now and then.
PETE
Actually I’m always right. It’s the players and referees that screw it up.
DIANE
Oh, I see. You predict football games.
PETE
That’s right.
DIANE
Oh what a worthy profession. I hope they pay you more than scientists and judges.
EVERYONE REACTS TO DIANE: “HEY, THAT ISN’T FAIR”, “LIGHTEN UP”, “COME ON, DIANE”, ETC.
DIANE
Pardon me, but it just seems ridiculous how you people place so much importance on the outcome of one silly little football game.
THEY CHIDE HER AGAIN: “AW, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND”, etc.
NORM
So Pete, forget about her, tell us who you like.
PETE
Well, I’m still feeding it all into my delicate computer – it’s a tough one, but I gotta start with that great Miami defense…
DIANE
Miami?! Are you crazy?! That Thiesman person will pick them apart. You call him a prophet?
EVERYONE STARTS TAKING SIDES. A GIANT ARGUMENT ENSUES ON WHO’S GOING TO WIN.
PETE
What’s going on?
NO REACTION.
PETE
Hey, what’s the name of this place?
EVERYONE
Cheers.
THEY ALL GO BACK TO THEIR ARGUMENT.
PETE
(INTO CAMERA) Lots of abuse. I love it. My kind of place. You only find true peace at racetracks and saloons.
FADE OUT.
they couldn't have dug this up for one of the DVD sets? who's responsible for that, Gary's Old Town Tavern??
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing, Ken. I was a fan of the series right from the start. I'm sure I must have seen this scene, being a football fan as well, but I don't remember it. Hopefully it will turn up on DVD in one of the three remaining seasons to be released.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the scene. I'm off to a saloon. Peace.
ReplyDeleteI would've loved to see that on DVD! It's a shame it's not on any of the sets.
ReplyDeleteNow I have a Cheers related question that I hope you can answer. Whatever happened to that alternate scene from I Do, Adieu where Diane actually married Sam? I know it was on Behind the Laughs: The Untold Stories of Television's Favorite Comedies, but that was back in '98 and hasn't been shown since. Could you at least describe everything about that scene if possible? I'd really love to know.
As I seem to recall that scene was really just a decoy.
ReplyDeleteParamount is not very well known for putting worthy extra content on the DVDs. They make a worthy "First season" edition of a show, and than they figure people will buy the rest anyway, so they slim the content, until it gets boiled down to nothing. Cheers 9th season is being released in April, and once again, the answer from paramount is "you should be happy to see it released, the sales have been low". So I guess I know where they stand on that. Really the only ones which never disappoint are the Simpsons box sets, and a few others. Here ends the rant.
ReplyDeleteThat lost Cheers scene probably exists, on thousands of BETA and VHS videotapes -- taped by sports fans all over the country who wanted to record and keep that Super Bowl for all time.
ReplyDeleteAnybody else remember the 1986 World Series pregame bit with Bob Costas on the Cheers set interviewing Sam Malone? Diane told Costas, "You're so much better than that Brent Hamburger!"
ReplyDeleteThanks for the episode, I never saw it, but I could imagine so well the lines as the Cheers crowd said them. Good line about tracing the family trees.
ReplyDeletethis show was so unfunny, I'm surprised they didn't write the laugh track right into the scripts.
ReplyDeleteI guess this explains why it got so popular..
10:31pm CST down here in the ague belt. So, Ken, do you think the Cowboys still have a shot?
ReplyDeleteanonymous: "this show was so unfunny, I'm surprised they didn't write the laugh track right into the scripts.
ReplyDeleteI guess this explains why it got so popular.."
Har har. Tell us what classic, long-running sitcoms you wrote for so we can get a point of comparison for your criticism. I looked up "anonymous" on imdb, but didn't find anything. Do you use a pseudonym?
Too bad they didn't ask you to write a sketch for the show that Fox was promoting up the wazoo this year:
ReplyDeleteSarah Connor: Hi, everybody! Say, Termy, who do you think is going to win the big game?
Terminator: Hah! Puny human! We care nothing for your silly pastimes.... Say, are those nachos for everyone?
Sarah: Knock yourself out. And now, a message from the Governor of California....
Arnold: Hello, everybawdy. Be shua to vote in the primaries on Tuesday... or Ah'll be baaahk!
(Huge applause)
Sarah: That's right... and don't worry, SkyNet won't control our voting machines for four more years!
(Groans)
Sarah: Just kidding, folks! And now here's Hugh Laurie, TV's "House," to sing the National Anthem....
Laurie (getting two songs confused) Oh, say, save the Queen....
(Cut to cameo by Rupert Murdoch)
Rupert: Darn it! Oi knew oi should have asked Paula Abdul. She'd have to lip-sync, but at least she's a freakin' American!
Terminator: Whatta maroon!
(The Terminator slaps himself on the forehead, but the force of the blow knocks him over onto his back.)
Sarah: Okay, everybody, enjoy the game! And remember, the only place for killer-robot news is Fox News!
(Cut to Bud Light commercial)
jbryant: "Tell us what classic, long-running sitcoms you wrote for so we can get a point of comparison for your criticism."
ReplyDeleteAre you suggesting that the quality of a show can be measured by the work of those who criticize? No wonder american tv is so full of mediocre tv, "Hey, at least it's better than the crap most members of our audience could come up with!"