Hey, I discovered a song about ME. Some people have names that just lend themselves to song salutes. Sue, Linda, Gloria, Bill, Jim, Sloopy. But rarely are there tunes for "Ken". Until now! Presenting "Ken Lee" (I assume short for LeeVine). And what better time to present it than Mariah Carey week!
And speaking of AMERICAN IDOL (or BULGARIAN IDOL)...
What if these people auditioned for AMERICAN IDOL? How far do you think they’d get?
Bob Dylan
Bjork
Joe Cocker
David Bowie
Lou Reed
Chris Montez
James Brown
Leonard Cohen
Carole King
Louis Armstrong
Harry Chapin
Natalie Merchant
Sonny Bono
Boy George
Ringo Starr
Neil Young
Jimi Hendrix
Prince
Barry Gibbs
Paul Simon
Nina Simone
Olivia Newton-John
Paula Abdul
Out of that list, I think Olivia Newton-John would be the one that would advance...
ReplyDeleteI could see Bowie advancing, too. He was quite the crooner in the "Thin White Duke" era.
ReplyDeleteTry being named "Doug". What are the romantic words that rhyme with "Doug"?
ReplyDeleteOh that smug Doug,
He's a slug.
I'd rather take a drug
With a vicious thug,
Who would slug
That lame lug Doug,
with his face like a bug.
A hug from Doug?
Ugh!
I expect Prince would do okay, too. He has a pretty good range, but I think a lot of people associate him mostly with his falsetto.
ReplyDeleteDylan wouldn't have made it past the gate guard shack.
ReplyDeleteWill we ever find out who this judge of the funny is? You'll let us know once the finalists are picked, right?
ReplyDeleteRIGHT?
How else are we going to know where to send our muffin baskets, our spec scripts, fresh roses, hate mail, bags of flaming dog-shit?
What if these people auditioned for AMERICAN IDOL? How far do you think they’d get?
ReplyDeleteBob Dylan - would never make it to Hollywood
Bjork - might be evicted by security guards from her first tryout
Joe Cocker - I have this vision of Simon asking him if he's ever seen a chiropractor
David Bowie - in 1972, not a chance. 2008, a Top 8 finish.
Lou Reed - too dark and moody... not Hollywood-bound
Chris Montez - since this is fiction anyway, Ritchie Valens (who had second thoughts about going on the plane) comes on the show, throws his arms around "my protege" and promises to sign him as his opening act for that upcoming Vegas gig.
James Brown - dangerous, like Lou Reed, but the talent is evident. Top 10, but not a finalist.
Leonard Cohen - not commercial enough to get the call to Hollywood
Carole King - too shy and nervous to win over Simon and Randy. Paula gets gushy over her sentimental songs, but it's not enough to outweigh the other panelists.
Louis Armstrong - would be considered gimmicky. He might be treated like Sanjaya and last a few weeks.
Harry Chapin - his slick folk singer skills would be buried by his need to cover established pop material.
Natalie Merchant - eh
Sonny Bono - without Cher, he'd be considered the new William Huung [sp].
Boy George - Top 10
Ringo Starr - the man doesn't sing well. Without his three pals, he'd have trouble getting out of the local auditions. His charmisma and charm is built from being part of a team, not a star on his own.
Neil Young - see Harry Chapin above
Jimi Hendrix - see James Brown
Prince - he plays to the camera, likely finalist. But he's likely to lose to Olivia Newton-John
Barry Gibb - I wonder how effective he'd be having to concentrate on material written by others. Then again, if you think of The (original) Bee Gees as ripping off The Beatles, it might work.
Paul Simon - not "show biz" enough. Someone would call him a "second rate Bobby Vee wannabee."
Nina Simone - good chance, her interpretive skills give her an advange in this style of competition.
Olivia Newton-John - WINNER! Kelly Clarkson's role model.
Paula Abdul
I want to see that list of singers perform on "Tom Waits" night.
ReplyDeleteMy name is in more songs than I can count -- many of them by Bruce Springsteen.
How bout Louie?? I had the unfortunate coincidence of being a sensitive 14 when the Stories came out with 'Brother Louie' ....man, I hate that song!
ReplyDeleteJu ain't nothin' butter hound, Doug.
ReplyDeleteTank ju Betty, Betty much.
Can’t imagine there isn’t a subscriber to this blog who hasn’t spent many funfilled hours perusing the mondegreens* on those assorted competing Misheard and Misread Lyics sites, like this one:
http://www.kissthisguy.com/funny.php
*The term for thess mishearings of lyrics coined after the embarrassed confession of Sylvia Wright in a Harper’s Magazine article. She claimed that she had always thought the last line of an old Scottish ballad “And they laid him on the green” had been “And lady Mondegreen.” Thereby leading to the coining of another term “sylvia-right-wrong” a mondegreen that isn’t amusing because nobody was familiar with the damned song in the first place.
There’s actually a sub-mondegreen category for this particular “Ken Lee” type of language mishearing relating to English language songs mistranslated into other languages, and visa versa -- “false friends.” If you would also like to pursue a lucrative career in mondegreen scholarship, this would be a good place to wiki-up on the subject:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mondegreen
Everybody’s favorite seems to remain Creedence Clearwater’s, “There’s a bathroom on the right.”
Considering that several of these would-be contestants are dead, they'd be sent over to audtion for the new American Idol: Zombie Edition.
ReplyDeleteThat song! OMG. Tears are rolling out of my eyes, and they're not even mine. I don't laugh at much - Lairbo knows that.
ReplyDeletebtw, I sent that video to my friend, Kenny Lee, who heads a band called the DooWah Riders out of Studio City. You two can fight over the rights to it. How people sit through AI I have no idea.
David Bowie has a voice like buttah. As long as he wasn't in his androgynous stage, he'd do well.
ReplyDeleteIf Prince were on, they'd have to black out the bottom half of the screen due to suggestive movements and visible ass crack.
If David Byrne were in it, he'd get the "vote the worst" vote all the way to #7. And Seacrest would never put his arm around him.
Do the AI judges ever get up off their arrogant butts and carry a tune? Yes, I know I'm asking for it.
ReplyDelete"See the tree, how big it's grown,
And friends it hasn't been too long,
Since, it wasn't big."
Screw the "What if so & so were on A.I." I want a CAGE DEATH MATCH between Olivia Newton-John & Paula Abdul!!! NOW THAT'S something to vote on.
ReplyDelete"Physical. Physical. I wanna get Physical. Let me here your body talk!"
mike: If Bjork wore her swan dress, she'd at least be assured of getting her audition on the air.
ReplyDeleteLouis Armstrong rocking a pony-hawk? I'd pay to see that.
Some other interesting contestants would be:
Kim Carnes
Clarence "Frogman" Henry
Biz Markie
Marianne Faithfull
William Shatner
Geddy Lee
Is that judge on the right the guy from Crash Test Dummies? Mmm mmm mmm mmm....
ReplyDeleteIt's kinda depressing that a song written by two members of Badfinger and popularized by Harry Nilsson is now known as "Mariah Carey's 'Without You' (or 'Ken Lee')." Not as depressing as the knowledge that both songwriters committed suicide (guess they believed in "write what you know").
That video was hysterical! I could not, for the life of me, decipher her native tongue or the language in which she allegedly sang. Apparently, the judges felt the same way. "Ken Lee" ... "Can't Live Without" it.
ReplyDeleteHow about Leon Russell?
ReplyDeleteEvery one of them would be eliminated before the first round and at least 80% would make the bloopers.
ReplyDelete"Everybody’s favorite seems to remain Creedence Clearwater’s, 'There’s a bathroom on the right.' "
ReplyDeleteNo, actually my favorite misheard lyric has always been Jimmy Hendrix's "'Scuse me while I kiss the sky.", which for years I thought was "'Scuse me while I kiss this guy." which frankly makes far more sense to me.
None of them would advance, because American Idol doesn't reward talent, it rewards status quo performers. Music for housewives and teeny-boppers, where "unique" is a bad thing.
ReplyDeleteTo be fair, I think the AI judges have finally expanded their definition of what makes a good singer. This year, people like Jason Castro and Brooke White, who both have limited ranges and not-so-strong voices, made it past Hollywood because they have interesting styles and lots of commercial potential. Before Taylor Hicks, the judges probably wouldn't have recognized that potential.
ReplyDeleteAnd to the Komedy Kontest judge, I think your last show was awesome. Terrific writing, and definitely deserving of an Emmy!
Actually BULGARIAN IDOL is called Music Idol and has very little in common with the original format (of which I'm not a fan either). It is a tasteless show in which contestants are often considered simply a laughing matter. And yes, it is still a smash hit in terms of ratings. But all in all, a program of low quality. Very loosely adapted from the original.
ReplyDelete-Jordan
d. mcewan: you may have noticed that one of the "mondegreen" site links in buck's post is kissthisguy.com. You were not alone in mishearing that one. Actually, I never misheard it though, because at the age of 9 or so, "kiss the sky" definitely made more sense to me than "kiss this guy."
ReplyDeleteRemember that show a couple of years ago that was basically a cross between American Idol and Candid Camera? They deliberately picked horrible singers, but gave them nothing but high praise. It was painfully humiliating. But I do recall a weird mondegreen from one girl who sang Whitney Houston's "So Emotional." Somehow the line "Ain't it shocking what love can do" became "Ain't it Hollywood love can do."
Considering most of the judges' responses are just variations of the same thing over and over again, thought I'd go into my fantasy world and come up with how they might treat these people as contestants:
ReplyDeleteBob Dylan
Randy: “Mmmm -- I dunno, dawg… Sounded a little pitchy to me.”
Paula: “Bobby, you are who you are, and that’s why we love you.”
Simon: “ What the bloody hell was THAT?”
Bjork
Randy: “Bjork is BACK! You knocked it out of the park tonight, babe!”
Paula: “Bjork, you are who you are, and that’s why we love you.”
Simon: “I couldn’t get past the glitz – it’s like you’re a Cirque de Soleil show all by yourself.”
Joe Cocker
Randy: “Not bad, Dawg, but need to see something a little more unique. Don’t be afraid to put the real you into it.”
Paula: “Joe, you bring so much to this competition, and that’s why we love you.”
Simon: “What the bloody hell was THAT?”
David Bowie
Randy: “Mmmm –- kind of nasaly, Dawg, but overall, not bad. Don’t be afraid to put the real you into it.”
Paula: “David, you are who you are, and that’s why we love you.”
Simon: “I didn’t get it at all. Have you ever heard of Englebert Humperdink?”
Lou Reed
Randy: “I dunno, Dawg, it didn’t work for me… Are you on something?”
Paula: “Lou, you are who you are, and that’s why we love you.”
Simon: “Who forgot to tell you that this was a singing contest?”
Chris Montez
Randy: “Not bad, in kind of an early-60’s arrangement way.”
Paula: “Chris, you are who you are, and that’s why we love you.”
Simon: Well – Frankly, if you want my honest opinion [with a sidelong glance at Paula and Randy] – it was the best performance of the night.”
James Brown
Randy: “Sorry, Dawg – Lotta boppin’, lotta rhythm… But couldn’t understand the words.”
Paula: “James, you are who you are, and that’s why we love you.-- and of course I'll sleep with you."
Simon: “What the bloody hell was THAT?”
Leonard Cohen
Randy: “Not bad, but not terribly original... Don’t be afraid to put the real you into it.”
Paula: “Leonard, what else can I say? You are who you are, and that’s why we love you.”
Simon: “This is a tough business, and you’ve got to ask yourself ‘Do I have the talent to survive?’ I really don’t think you do.”
Carole King
Randy: “Mmmm –- kind of nasaly, Babe, but overall, not bad. Don’t be afraid to put the real you into it.”
Paula: “Carole, you are who you are, and that’s why we love you.”
Simon: “The hair, the voice, the music – it was all wrong for me.”
Louis Armstrong
Randy: “Louieeeee, my man! You knocked it out of the park, Dawg!”
Paula: “Louie, you are who you are, and that’s why we love you.”
Simon: “Not impressed for a moment. A deplorable choice for a song.”
Harry Chapin
Randy: “Not bad, Dawg, but need to see something a little more unique. Don’t be afraid to put the real you into it.”
Paula: “Harry Chapin? I thought you were dead!”
Simon: “It had all the appeal of hearing a cat caught in a storm gutter trying to get out.”
Natalie Merchant
Randy: “Not bad, but needs a little more intensity. Don’t be afraid to put the real you into it.”
Paula: “Natalie, dear, you are who you are, and that’s why we love you.”
Simon: “The whole time you were singing I was thinking to myself ‘Well, here we go with light feathery fluff.’”
Sonny Bono
Randy: “Mmmm -- I dunno, dawg… Sounded awful pitchy to me.”
Paula: “You really sound better when you’re being backed by the rest of U2.”
Simon: “It had all the appeal of hearing a coyote caught in a leg trap and trying to get out.”
Boy George
Randy: “The song was fine. The outfit?.... Mmmm, I dunno, Dawg.”
Paula: “Boy -- you bring so much to this competitiion, and that’s why we love you.”
Simon: “What the bloody hell was THAT?”
Ringo Starr
Randy: “Honestly, Dawg -- you’d be better as an ensemble performer.”
Paula: “Ringo Starr? I thought you were dead!”
Simon: “I’m sorry – I’m afraid I missed the name.”
Neil Young
Randy: “Not bad, Dawg – but don’t let yourself get caught in that country folk-rock genre. You’ll never be heard from again.”
Paula: “Neil, you are who you are, and that’s why we love you.”
Simon: “Who the hell ARE you?”
Jimi Hendrix
Randy: “Not bad, but not terribly original... Don’t be afraid to put the real you into it. And you might want to think about losing the guitar.”
Paula: “Jimi, you are who you are, and that’s why we love you.”
Simon: “The hair and the outfit are atrocious. Who do you think you are, Sanjaya Malakar?”
Prince
Randy: “Prince, my man! That was outstanding!”
Paula: “I always thought you were taller.”
Simon: “The hair and the outfit are atrocious. Who do you think you are, Jimi Hendrix?”
Barry Gibb
Randy: “Mmmm –- kind of nasaly, Dawg, and not terribly original. But overall, not bad.”
Paula: “Which one are you again – the Bee or the Gee?”
Simon: “This is a tough business, and you’ve got to ask yourself ‘Do I have the talent to survive?’ I really don’t think you do.”
Paul Simon
Randy: “I dunno, Dawg. I think you’d really be better off doing heavy metal.”
Paula: “When they said Paul Simon, I thought they meant they wanted me and Simon to do a duet. At any rate, you are who you are, and that’s why we love you.”
Simon: “I always thought you were taller.”
Nina Simone
Randy: “Nina, doll! That was fabulous! Best performance of the night!”
Paula: “When they said Nina Simone, I thought they meant they wanted someone named Nina and Simon to do a duet. At any rate…”
Simon: “You my have what it takes to be a star –- but not with that voice.”
Olivia Newton-John
Randy: “Not bad, in kind of an early-70’s arrangement way.”
Paula Abdul: “Olivia, dear, you are who you are, and that’s why we love you.”
Simon: "You, my love, could be the next winner of this competition.”
Paula Abdul
Randy: “I dunno, Doll, it didn’t work for me… Are you on something?”
Paula: “Is anybody watching?... or listening?...”
Simon: “What the bloody hell was THAT?”
Wait a minute. The songwriters committed suicide before they heard Mariah Carey's version?
ReplyDeleteMan, that’s why y’gotta love this blog. One guy nails two dozen would-be performances, and then another comes back with two dozen x 3 judges – in character. Paula & Simon bridging troubled waters, heh. Does anyone think Cowell stands in front of a mirror practicing crib-sheeted lines like, “OK, like if it’s really awful, I can say, 'sounded like a coyote in a leg trap,’ or ‘like a cat in a storm gutter,’ yeh better write ‘em both down. Don’t want to have to use the same one twice. OK, now let’s practice the smug.”
ReplyDeleteIncidentally, when I was in school in Connecticut there was a place we used to hike to called “Three Judges Cave.” Whalley, Goffe and Dixwell were the three British judges who sentenced Charles I to death. This did not sit well with Charles II, who basically shouted “You killed my Paw!” and had the army chase them to New Haven. The three escaped essentially by crawling under a rock and staying there for two months. Hint.
Canadian Idol is less 'formula' than American Idol.
ReplyDeleteMany of the contestants that wouldn't work based on the 'quirky' factor would do quite well here.
"jbryant said... d. mcewan: you may have noticed that one of the "mondegreen" site links in buck's post is kissthisguy.com. You were not alone in mishearing that one."
ReplyDeleteI'll pass that along to Tallulah.
We Ken Work it Out
ReplyDeleteKen ta' buy Me Love
...there must be others
& how about a Punk Idol
w/
The Ramones
The Clash
The Sex Pistols
DOA
X
Hole
Oh, the humanity.
"tulibu dibu douchoo" is my new catchphrase!
ReplyDeleteI also love the next clip youtube has where the same girl comes back at the Bulgarian Idol finale show and the whole audience sings along with her. Thanks for the chuckle, Ken!
This is why I hate American Idol. No one on the show has talent beyond having pipes. It's a national karaoke contest without the alcohol. And how many nights is Fox going to run this crap? Reality shows are the death of television. I'm pretty much ready to unplug the thing. Can't wait for new eps of "House."
ReplyDeleted. mcewan: oops! (though I'm sure tallulah would prefer to be addressed through her social secretary anyway) :)
ReplyDeleteThe "Ken Lee" video is from the Bulgarian version of Music Idol and the contestant really thinks she sings in English, which makes it art.
ReplyDeleteMany videos around "Ken Lee" can be found here: http://yoahm.blogspot.com/2008/05/ken-lee_12.html
ReplyDelete