Summer Movie Previews: the inevitable sequel

WALL –E – Pixar space movie from the director of FINDING NEMO. Robots have to clean up Earth, which has become a giant trash dump. Set twelve years in the future.

THE LOVE GURU – Mike Myers plays another painfully unfunny character in a movie that, judging by the trailer, could be the worst comedy ever made. And that includes STOP! OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT starring Mr. Funny Boots, Sylvester Stallone.

WANTED – A nerd is recruited by a secret society and turned into a lightning fast superhero. Has a love scene with Angelina Jolie but she doesn't know it.

SPACE CHIMPS – Ohmygod, is this what Stanley Tucci’s career has come to?

HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY – The superhero who looks like pitcher Randy Johnson with two cans of Spam wedged into his forehead is back to save the world. If ever a movie was made to be shown on a one-inch iPod screen this is it.

JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH 3-D: Or for those with bad depth perception – JOURNEY TO THE WORST HEADACHE OF YOUR LIFE.

KENNY – I was so honored that a movie was named after me until I learned Kenny delivers and maintains Porta-potties.

THE DARK KNIGHT – Christian Bale returns as the Batman who could use a prescription of Zoloft or a blowjob. At least the Joker has a few laughs.

MAMA MIA! -- Film adaptation of the smash hit musical. Starring Meryl Streep and Pierce Brosnan. I worry that they won’t do justice to those brilliant Abba songs.

BRIDESHEAD REVISITED – I guess this is a remake of the PBS television series because the ad line is “See it without the pledge breaks!”

STEP BROTHERS – John C. Reilly and Will Ferrell in a slacker movie. A three minute SNL sketch stretched to 90.

THE X-FILES: I WANT TO BELIEVE – Mulder and Scully are back, this time trying to prove the existence of their careers.

MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN – Take that vegans!

THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR – Indiana Jones with an Ace bandage.

HELL RIDE – Rival motorcycle gangs starring Dennis Hopper and Michael Madsen. The AARP version of THE WILD ONE.

THE PINEAPPLE EXPRESS – A stoner comedy starring Seth Rogen from the Judd Apatow assembly line. Expect the first dick joke to come before the opening Sony Pictures logo.

SWING VOTE – An election comes down to one voter – Kevin Costner. Based on the year DANCES WITH WOLVES won as Best Picture.

MIRRORS – Keifer Sutherland as a security cop in an abandoned department store. Jack Bauer can save the world but can he save Macy’s?

STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS – Even they’re copying themselves now.

TROPIC THUNDER – A war film shooting in Southeast Asia turns into reality. Who hasn’t seen PLATOON and thought, “There’s a comedy in this subject matter”? Stars Ben Stiller and looks funny.

YOU DON’T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN – Adam Sandler as an Israeli commando who becomes a hairstylist in New York. A one joke premise, goofy accent and “smell my feet” gag in the trailer. I don't think I will mess with this movie.

The only superhero who doesn't have his own movie this summer is the Teeny Little Super Guy from SESAME STREET and the only comedian-who-was-once-funny-and-is-now-kinda-sad that doesn't have a high concept idiotic premise comedy is Jim Carrey. So at least we have something to be thankful for this summer.

Tomorrow: AMERICAN IDOL recap