The Emmys

Don Rickles should have hosted the Emmys. Or Ricky Gervais. Or any random seat filler.

In sixty years there’s never been worse co-hosts than Heidi Klum, Jeff Probst, Howie Mandel, Ryan Seacrest, and Tom Bergeron. (Snow White and the four dwarfs) Suffering through that excruciating opening where they vamped about nothing was like reliving my Uncle Lou’s 75th birthday party at Sr. George’s Smorgasbord.

And letting Heidi Klum do comedy is like giving a squirrel a grenade.

But Josh Groban’s medley of TV themes was fantastic. He’s talented, he’s funny, he’s versatile. Why not have him host the damn show?

The academy got it right this year. MAD MEN and 30 ROCK both deserved to win. Probably JOHN ADAMS too. The six minutes I saw of it before falling dead asleep were riveting.

I loved how the Best Reality Host category was saved for the end to build up suspense, as if anyone in the 57 countries watching this show could give a shit.

Note to Mary Tyler Moore – SLEEVES! SLEEVES!!!! For the love of God and all that’s holy. SLEEVES!!!!

Without the Emmys, movie actors would have to wait all the way till January to start winning awards.

The only real upset was Bryan Cranston winning over the other deserving nominees and James Spader.

Half the fun of the Emmys is the Pre-Emmys red carpet show. Local station, KTLA always has the best coverage. This year’s co-hosts, lap dog to the stars, Sam Rubin and empty vessel, Jessica Holmes conducted the interviews with their usual stupefying flair. I was on the radio at the time and unable to watch but my daughter Annie, and her writing partner Brock did. They provide some of the highlights.

Sam & Jess interviewed five DEXTER cast members, of which two died last season. They asked those two specifically what will be happening in the coming season.

Marcia Cross was asked by Sam what kind of sunscreen she was wearing. She said nothing and walked away. Sam announced: "No SPF for Marcia Cross. There's your headline!"

They couldn’t pronounce Zeljko Ivanek's name, nor did they appear to know what show he's from. He helped them out (DAMAGES, for which he won) and then Jessica, who apparently had no questions, told him how much she likes ICE ROAD TRUCKERS.

Bill Mahr plugged his new movie by saying "it covers a topic that's never been covered before." It's a documentary about religion. Yeah, it’s amazing how that topic has somehow slipped between the cracks for the last 10,000 years.

Eva Longoria had a fun outfit, complete with a giant bow. The KTLA “fashion expert”, Lori Somebody From Hell liked it, but Jessica asked if she'd heard the rumor that Eva is pregnant. Lori responded: "Well, bows like that are a great way to cover up being knocked up". Classy.

Thanks to Brock & Annie. And my agent, and the crew, and the beautiful escort I got from Craig’s List.

Nice touch showing past winners before each acting award. Tina Fey now joins an exclusive club that includes Jackee.

Every year I receive a handsome DVD from TIL’ DEATH for “my consideration”. And every year I think “in what universe???” Better to spend the $50,000 and hire another writer.

SLEEVES! Mary. Really.

When Ms. Moore clonked into the mic stand, Brock said "she just bumped into her twin."

When you watch the “In Memorial” feature don’t you always wonder who’s going to be last? Whose death was greater than the other deaths? And aren’t you glad they didn’t put Jim McKay next to Bozo the Clown?

The director of the Emmys missed a bet when he was giving his acceptance speech. He could have cued his own get-off music.

Most beautiful women of the night: Hayden Panettiere, Christina Applegate (pictured: right), Kate Walsh, and the girl in the Olay ad.

Funniest bit of the night: Ricky Gervais demanding his Emmy back from Steve Carell. And Tom Bergeron is trying to do comedy when these two guys are in the same room.

For all the hyperbole no one came close to Diane English the year she declared that MURPHY BROWN was the greatest sitcom of all time. Now she’s written and directed THE WOMEN, arguably the greatest movie of all-time.

The LAUGH IN sketch was painful. Like watching home movies of my Uncle Lou’s 75th birthday party.

The academy missed a few TV catch phrases in their salute:

“Gggggggggggggggggg!” (Gale Storm as Margie, MY LITTLE MARGIE). “Fuck!” (everyone from DEADWOOD). “Woof” …which means “Timmy, Grandpa is caught in a bear trap by the stream near that old oak tree – no, not that old oak tree, the other one – and you have to come quick and bring the first aid kit, but put on some pants first.” (Lassie in LASSIE), and finally: “ “ (Kathy Lee Gifford on REGIS & KATHY).

Jennifer Love Hewitt looked like the lead singer of the Cars.

I don’t think the academy will be giving Tommy Smothers too many more commemorative Emmys. Whether you agreed or disagreed with what he said, you had to admit it meant two less minutes of Howie Mandel.

How come Amy Poehler was nominated in the sitcom category for SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE?

For anyone in Azerbaijan saying, “What’s MAD MEN?” don’t feel bad. They’re saying that in Iowa too.

Cynthia Nixon has the world’s longest neck. She could be the spokesperson for Toys R’ Us.

I never understand all these variety-special-series categories. But as long as THE DAILY SHOW and the COLBERT REPORT win them I’m happy, whatever they are.

If you’re going to have a tribute to MASH, why not have the MASH cast come out of the tent instead of Kathy Griffin?

It’s always strange seeing Tom Hanks on stage with Sally Field. She played his mother in FORREST GUMP and his girlfriend in PUNCHLINE.

Barry Sonnenfeld’s directing Emmy still doesn’t make up for RV.

Anyone who says Jewish girls don’t know how to dress didn’t see Sarah Silverman tonight in her Catholic Girl’s uniform.

Winner Glenn Close said, “"I think we're proving that complicated, powerful, mature women are sexy and can carry a show." But she forgot to add, “On cable.”

How come that winning director for HOUSE thanked Hugh Laurie but not Cutthroat Bitch?

And finally, what does it say about the American public’s taste when this year’s Best Drama lost every week in the ratings to SCOTT BAIO IS 45 AND SINGLE?

See you next year when your Emmy hosts will be O.J. Simpson, Barry Bonds, and Phil from THE AMAZING RACE.