A technicality in Brazilian elections allows candidates to register under whatever name they choose. And so to take advantage of Obama-mania – which is sweeping the country – at least five candidates in local elections are using the name “Barack Obama”. One is a woman.
This is actually true.
So it got me thinking – what if they allowed candidates to use whatever name they wanted in American elections? If I were running for office, what name would I use?
Abraham Lincoln? Michael Jordan? Oprah? Ronald McDonald? Elvis Presley? John Wooden? Walter Cronkite? Walt Disney? Vin Scully? Any Beatle but Ringo? Johnny Carson? Don Draper? Tiger Woods? Jed Bartlett? Christine Amanpour? Clint Eastwood?
But if I had to pick one I think it would be Meryl Streep. She never loses.
What name would you choose?
Tom Hanks. You get name recognition, and he has political type causes (WWII, NASA) but they're generic enough that they offend no one. Plus you bring in that key Volunteers fan demographic.
ReplyDeleteA lot of people used to vote for Pee Wee Herman as write-in candidate to spoil their ballots. I say claim the name and make those votes count!
ReplyDelete"Bart Simpson"
ReplyDelete"Screw this"
and my personal favorite:
"Other"
"Please remove me from the Jury Duty database."
ReplyDeleteWell if you could choose any name you wanted couldn't you pick something like Freedom Ponies Johnny Depp" I feel like that pretty much covers every demographic.
ReplyDelete"Long Dong Silver"
ReplyDeleteHow can that name NOT inspire confidence!
The Real Don Steele
ReplyDeleteI'd go with George W. Bush. No matter how much he fucks up, he still keeps getting voted back in.
ReplyDeleteI'd go with "None Of The Above," as I would be bound to win any election!
ReplyDeleteMy real problem is that with my own name being so world-famous and universally-beloved, people would be running with MY name, and I'd end up elected to some boring post, and get stuck serving. And that seriously cuts into my drinking and promiscuous sex time.
And frankly, my Brazilian Administration (I've been elected President of Brazil twice, and I've never even set slippers on the continent.) was a disaster! I thought "Clear cutting" was like a bikini wax when I approved a massive deforestation project.
And they told me they had the biggest Amazon I'd ever see, but all I could find was some big slushy river.
However, I found that Piranha make for a fabulous quick-weight-loss diet. Liposcution is nothing next to a leisurely dog paddle through a piranha-infested inlet.
And then I met Gil in that lovely black lagoon. He could out swim even Michael Phelps, and eat him too!
Cheers voters.
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ReplyDeleteI'd use "God". I don't think that atheists are that strong a voting block and a lot of the others would for me out of fear of what would happen if they didn't.
ReplyDeleteAny God worth worshipping wouldn't need electing. If you're omniscent and omnipowerful, you ARE elected!
ReplyDeleteBut I wouldn't vote for God. Frankly, I'm not impressed with his record, his work, nor his policies. That whole death, war, disease, suffering, won't-reveal-himself-to-tell-which religion-is-the-True-one thing (Hint: Its none of them), Republicans, and E Channel Reality Shows stuff tells me God is a dillante creator if ever there was one.
That should be "dilettante" of course. Thank physics, these comments aren't chisled in stone.
ReplyDeleteSara Lee. Nobody doesn't like...
ReplyDeleteSame as the name I'd use for porn: Bushrod Washington.
ReplyDeleteHe was actually a circuit court judge and cousin to George, but a name like Bushrod just has to be appreciated.
From the Wikipedia entry on Sherrif Andy Taylor (Mayberry, NC):
ReplyDeleteIn 2006, a William Harold Fenrick, who had legally changed his name to Andrew Jackson Griffith, ran for Grant County sheriff in southwestern Wisconsin. He came in a distant third, but Andy Griffith sued him because during campaigning, the candidate played up the connection of his new name to the TV character. The suit was dismissed by U.S. District Judge John Shabaz on May 4, 2007.
It sure as hell wouldn't be Barack Hussein Obama!!! Just imagine how much further ahead in the polls he'd be without that albatross around his neck!
ReplyDeletes. caldwell's "Bart Simpson" reminded me of...
ReplyDeleteJass, Hugh.
If I recall correctly there actually was a Hugh Jass at Moe's that night. ("I'm Mr. Jass.")
Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho
ReplyDelete(It helps to have seen Mike Judge's film "Idiocracy" for this to make sense)
Dave Niehaus
ReplyDeleteI. C. Weener.
ReplyDeleteBecause I have the maturity level of a Kindergartner.
Harry Potter. The last book in the series sold over 72 million copies. Even though most of the readers aren't old enough to vote, the name recognition's still huge.
ReplyDeleteGeorge W. won in 2004 with about 62million popular votes.
I hope that extra 10 million covers any hanging chad problems in here in Florida this year.
Glad you came up with Meryl Streep, Ken. If not, would Natalie Wood have been the back up choice?
"George W. won in 2004 with about 62 million popular votes."
ReplyDeleteDid he? Or did four years, and increased reliance on electronic voting machines simply allow for the Republican swine to get more efficent about vote fraud and election theft. EVERY pre-election poll in 1984 showed the reverse results of what the offical results were alleged to be. It's at least as likely that Rove and Co simply became more sophisticated in stealing elections as that Dubya actually won one.
Ken, does it work retroactively? Because I worry that McCain will just wait until November 5th, and then change his name to Obama. It's not like anything is beneath the Republicans.
In Florida, I'd use the name Pat Buchanan. Elderly Jewish voters will assume it must be the one they really want.
ReplyDeleteNo joke here.... I love the name Andre Reed. Sounds cool and smooth. He was my favorite receiver when he played for the Bufflo Bills.
ReplyDeleteA-N-D-R-E R-E-E-D
Mickey Mantle. He's always been my hero.
ReplyDeleteMickey Mouse, naturally. If only for the reason that I am both a Disney fan and a tremendous smart ass.
ReplyDeleteThough in this case, the election would really only be a novelty, given that the empire already spans the globe.
I must say, 'Punch Chad Here', 'None of the above', and the one about jury duty all got me rolling. They may have been obvious, but they were witty (though— all right, that last one was downright clever).
Bud Wiser
ReplyDeleteRufus T. Firefly
ReplyDeleteTequila Mockingbird.
ReplyDelete