Thank God for Twitter! Without that invaluable service I could never share with friends the really important moment-to-moment details of my life. In case you’re not following me I’ve reassembled the Tweets you most recently missed.Having a colonoscopy tomorrow.
Going out for magazines.
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Is it just me or does Susan Boyle look like John Madden?
Okay. Starting to take the stuff.
Ugggghhh! It tastes terrible. Mood: Irritable.
Thinking of a Staycation this year. Any suggestions where I could stay?
It’s been a half hour. When is this stuff supposed to work?
45 minutes. Still nothing.
53 minutes and counting.
An hour. What’s the deal???
Just filled out my All-Star ballot.
HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kill me NOW!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay. I can breathe. Whew.
YEOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It’s working.
8rXX3 thinks Susan Boyle looks like… wait a minute….
HOLY FRIGGIN’ SHIT!!!!!!!
How long is this supposed to last?
Oh Christ! I forgot. Today’s the day we scheduled an OPEN HOUSE here.
Dennis Franz. That’s who 8rXX3 thinks Susan Boyle looks like.
No, you can’t see the bathroom! It’s currently occupied!
I would trade my Emmy right now for a Tums.
Wow, there are a lot of ads in VANITY FAIR.
Bowel mood: very irritable.
Hey my legs have gone to sleep. Has that ever happened to you?
There are eight people walking through my house. I almost knocked one down during the last urge.
Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I’m in hell.
Moving on to ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY and MERCENARY LIFE.
Thanks you guys. Hearing your colonoscopy stories have really helped. LOL.
It’s been three hours.
And two rolls.
No offers on the house yet.
How stupid am I part two? Choosing to do this on the day of the TOP CHEF marathon?
Okay. I think the worst is over.
Wrong!!!!
Seriously. Someone. Kill me.
Oh great. My real estate agent just dumped me. For some reason she feels my house doesn’t “show well”.
I’m whipped. Better get some sleep. But here’s the good news: I convinced the doctor to just give me a local. So I’m bringing my laptop and you can expect tweets during the procedure. Please check back every five minutes.
I’m at the gynecologist. Catch me on Twatter.
ReplyDeleteI had first colonoscopy a couple weeks ago. When the nurse was putting the IV into my arm to knock me our, I tried to relax my nerves, and started singing "I Wanna Be Sedated." The doctor (a guy in his late 30's, I think) got a big smile on his face and said "I have that on my iPod, wanna hear it?" So I was knocked out to The Ramones. That young doctor has good musical taste.
ReplyDeleteI think Twitter was invented so people with a life would have something else to make fun of.
ReplyDeleteHaving to have a colonoscopy 4 years in a row I can sympathize with you. After downing the "liquid volcano in a bottle" I figured I would have at least a 30-45 minutes of peace and be able to walk home from my mom's place to my apartment.....WRONG! I was halfway home when the rumblings began and I bet I would have outrun Carl Lewis as I sprinted home as fast as I could before all hell broke loose.[It's hard to run when you're trying to keep your butthole slammed shut so you can get to the toilet], I went through 7 pairs of underwear, an ENTIRE 12 pack of toilet paper and screaming so loud that deaf people were complaining about the noise. I did not know the human intestinal track was capable of holding so much "stuff", I swear I crapped out stuff that I ate back in the 1980s. My backside was glowing so brightly red from the friction of stuff exiting me at warp 15 you could have used it as a lighthouse beacon. What I would have paid for a 24 pack of Popsicle bomb pops to shove up there to cool things down! Turns out the colonoscopy was the easy part and I REALLY liked the Demerol and other stuff they gave me.
ReplyDeleteBefore I get fifty other readers sharing their personal colonoscopy story, I must admit this piece is completely fictional -- a satire on how ridiculously personal and inappropriate a lot of tweets are.
ReplyDeleteOr is it that the four-camera colonoscopy in front of a live audience with 140 characters is still cost-prohibitive to produce?
ReplyDeletedootoiSo Twitter is all a LIE?
ReplyDeleteJust saw the M*A*S*H reunion on the TV LAND awards. Loretta's character should now be called "Flaccid Lips." They've been inflated and deflated so many times, they just look weird. She has not aged well, and I sspoe with her in person just three years ago, so whatever it is, it's accelerating.
But she looks better than Bea Arthur.
Now about my colonoscopy...
sorry about "tootoi"
ReplyDeleteI hadn't noticed the damn page had moved my WV into the message
and "sspoe" is supposed to be "spoke".
ReplyDeleteclearly I need to go to bed. Night. Night. Wait. I should Tweet that.
I bet Susan Boyle will age well. At least relatively speaking...
ReplyDeleteSo...does that mean you also aren't actually selling your house>
ReplyDeleteKen, I found this post about Dave Barry and his colonoscopy and just maybe you want to a little more description of your journey. http://ad.vu/azej
ReplyDeleteSusan Boyle is Bob Hoskins in drag
ReplyDeleteKEN LEVINE said...
ReplyDeletebefore I get fifty other readers sharing their personal colonoscopy story, I must admit this piece is completely fictional --I apologize. The correct response would have been, "Well, we can dream, can't we?"
Mmmmm. Phosphosoda. Turns any mortal into a human fire hose.
ReplyDeleteMakes ya do more than tweet.
But if it DID happen that way, instead of Twitter, shouldn't it be Shitter?
ReplyDeleteNever understood the appeal of Twitter feeds that update you on every movement or bodily function. I find it more interesting to just people evesdrop on my random thoughts on a variety of subjects, not my daily migration patterns: twitter.com/CraigMcNamara
ReplyDelete>>Thank God for Twitter! Without that invaluable service I could never share with friends the really important moment-to-moment details of my life. In case you’re not following me I’ve reassembled the Tweets you most recently missed.<<
ReplyDeleteThank you, Rockin' Robin.
Ray
EXCELLENT!
ReplyDeleteFox is running a script writing contest.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.nytvf.com/2008_fox_info.htm
What is your take on this? Is it just a place to have your best ideas swiped?
Undergoing my colonoscopy...drifting in and out of my IV drip...owwwwwww
ReplyDeleteAnd your twitter address is...
ReplyDeleteor do I have to look it up?
@anonymous: there's no Warp 15. Epic fail @ being a nerd.
ReplyDelete@Ken: you know there's twitter for almost every mobile phone. Why carry a laptop with you?
;-)
wv: tratonfe - next year's AI winner! First name Tony
Okay, this is not a joke. My husband was watching me read this from another room and he brought me a box of tissues and asked what had gotten me so upset. Apparently weeping with laughter when you are reading something looks just like weeping with anguish when you are reading something. My next tweet: just finished weeping over Ken Levine's twitter parody.
ReplyDeleteWatched last night's episode of Men of a Certain Age - kept thinking of this awesome post.
ReplyDelete