For years the popular thinking was comedy spec scripts had to be from existing shows. Now producers and agents are asking for spec pilots. Pilots present their own set of problems and traps. Setting up the characters, situation, exposition, story, tone, and comedy in the first few pages is the most daunting task. I’ve had many requests for a sample of a pilot first scene. So here’s one David Isaacs and I wrote and produced for Fox a couple of years ago called SNOBS. Paget Brewster (pictured) played Beverly. Hope this helps, or at least you find amusing.ESTABLISHING
EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET – SAN MATEO, CALIFORNIA – EARLY MORNING
WORKING-CLASS SUBURB OF SAN FRANCISCO. TRACKING SHOT REVEALING MODEST, TRACT HOMES. FINALLY, WE REACH A HOME LIKE ALL THE OTHERS, ONLY DIFFERENT. MORE ORNATE, MORE MANICURED. THIS IS THE MALLARD HOME.
CUT TO:
INT. DINING ROOM – EARLING MORNING
THE TYPICAL MALLARD BREAKFAST: FINE CHINA SERVICE FILLED WITH BREAKFAST CONDIMENTS (GOOSEBERRY JAM, APPLE BUTTER), LITTLE SERVING SPOONS, PASTRIES, FRESH ORANGE JUICE AND COFFEE. KARL MALLARD, DRESSED FOR WORK, ENJOYS COFFEE AND A SCONE AS HE READS HIS NEW YORK TIMES.
BEVERLY MALLARD ENTERS DRESSED SMARTLY IN A DONNA KARAN SUIT.
BEVERLY
Karl, I don’t have time for a formal breakfast this morning.
KARL
Well, you’re certainly not going to eat a protein bar like some animal. Please, Beverly, sit.
SHE DOES.
BEVERLY
Oh, I suppose I could have a macchiato and a pain au chocolat.
KARL
That’s my girl. We have to keep it civilized in here. Because there’s nothing we can do about (WITH DISDAIN) out there.
BEVERLY
Have faith, honey. Someday we’ll have a home that will live up to our furniture.
KARL
That someday is here, Bev. If tonight’s party goes well, I’m done teaching community college and we’re on our way to… (WITH REVERENCE) Stanford.
BEVERLY
A home in Palo Alto.
KARL
Just think of it. A neighborhood where people park their cars in the garage instead of on the front lawn.
ISABEL MALLARD, 15, ENTERS, CARRYING HER VIOLIN CASE AND HER CAT, HEIFETZ.
ISABEL
Morning.
KARL
Good morning, Isabel.
BEVERLY
What time did you go to bed last night?
ISABEL
I didn’t. (BEAT) You’ll be so proud of me, Daddy. I was practicing my Mendelssohn for your guests this evening.
BEVERLY
But all night? Honey, the therapist said not to put that much pressure on yourself.
ISABEL
But Daddy said it was the most important night of our lives. He told me if I don’t perform this piece perfectly he won’t get the job at Stanford and we’ll be doomed to short brutish lives in this blue collar hell.
KARL
Isabel, that was a “daddy/daughter private talk”.
GORE MALLARD ENTERS. HE’S 12, AND LIKE MOST BOYS HIS AGE, DRESSED IN A TOM WOLFE STYLE VANILLA-COLORED SUIT. AD LIB “GOOD MORNINGS” FROM BEVERLY AND KARL. GORE HANDS THEM EACH A THICK REPORT.
GORE
Here. Read and please respond.
BEVERLY
What is it, Gore?
GORE
35 reasons why Isabel’s cat should be put to death.
ISABEL TAKES A SHEET OF PAPER OUT OF HER NOTEBOOK AND HANDS IT TO GORE.
ISABEL
I anticipated this. My rebuttal.
HE QUICKLY SCANS IT, THEN:
GORE
Unacceptable.
KARL
Children, I won’t have you fighting like this!
BEVERLY
Yes, and I don’t want to see any of this tonight in front of Dr. and Mrs. Shapiro.
KARL
That man holds the future of this entire family in his hands.
ISABEL
I’ll be ready, Daddy.
GORE
What a kiss-ass.
BEVERLY
And Gore, as for you tonight, let’s go over this one more time. People are entitled to their opinions.
GORE
Oh, really? What if our (MAKES AIR QUOTES) “guests” like the Baroque period, or Creationism or “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”?
KARL
We will respect what they say… and make fun of them afterwards.
THE DOORBELL RINGS. KARL CROSSES TO ANSWER IT.
KARL
I’ve gone to great lengths for tonight: the right wine, the right flowers, the right music. Everything will be perfect.
KARL OPENS THE DOOR REVEALING A YOUNG MAN, CLAY, 17. HE’S SCRUFFY, A SLACKER.
CLAY
Are you Karl Mallard?
KARL
Yes. What can I do for you?
CLAY
It’s me. Clay!
KARL
Clay?
CLAY
Your son.
KARL
My son?
CLAY
New Orleans? (BEAT) 1986? (BEAT) How many illegitimate kids do you have?
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ReplyDeleteSo, one night Ken and his partner were working under great pressure to deliver a pilot concept and first act by 10 the next morning. The room was strewn with empty pizza boxes, and both Ken and David had drunk entirely too much Red Bull.
ReplyDeleteFinally, it occurred to Ken that the TV blaring in the background was distracting them from their work. "David," he sighed, "Would you please turn down the volume on 'The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air'? We need an idea!"
So FRESH PRINCE was about a deluded family of academics that live in a crummy tract house in the bay area.
ReplyDeleteI look forward to seeing your next series, Harold X. I'm sure it will be groundbreaking.
this is a great example of why a laugh-track needs to be written into the script. otherwise, I can't tell which ones are the jokes. most of it just looks like regular boring dialog. "eat a protein bar like some animal"? "the therapist said not to put that much pressure on yourself."? "creationists"? are those the jokes? I don't see it.
ReplyDeletealso, ken, you forgot about the wacky guy from the wrong side of the track who joins the family of snobs. that's the plot twist for their opening scene on "fresh prince" I assume.
Sheesh, Ken, I was kidding.
ReplyDeleteI for one just think the name Gore Mallard alone is inspirational. FYI, we once had a cat named Vladimir Horowitz, because of all our pets, when it came to the living room rug, he was by far the pee-inest. Just one question, does anybody “cross” anything anymore besides devout Catholics and stage actors? Thanks as usual for sharing your work.
ReplyDeleteWell I liked it.
ReplyDeleteHEY! I'm pretentious elitist, even an ex-academic. And I like the baroque period.
ReplyDeleteCouple of points: Isnt' gooseberry an old timey word for kiwi? And is Paget Brewster old enough to have a fifteen year old daughter? Or is that TV age? Who would've played Ken?
Cheers for that fine example Ken as I am going to post my beat Kiwi Cheers pilot soon which is set in a bar where Norm and Cliff would feel right at home singing Hot Rod Lincoln in under a minute as this bar is run by a beat jazz musician.
ReplyDeleteTo anon, actually, I (lightly) laughed out loud at the "eat a protein bar like some animal" line. That's just a ridiculous line even if you don't know the setup. And you don't have to know before hand the exact nature of every laugh...that's why you have the writers and director on set with a studio audience, and often an actor's delivery will either dampen a joke or create a bigger laugh than originally imagined.
ReplyDeleteA very interesting example of a pilot, though I'm not sure the premise would have lent itself to a ten-year run. But I did enjoy reading it, and it was very amusing.
ReplyDeleteAny (Julia) child knows the pretentious jam ( pron. zhahm) du Jour is lingonberry. You just blew a great opportunity for a cameo from its inventor, Swedish hunk Hot Rod Lingon. And yes, no need to say anything I’m already ashamed.
ReplyDeleteIncidentally, F*** the Fast Car Forty Yard Dash. Wasn’t this about doing an entire season’s exposition in under two minutes? And that it’s hard? Nicely illustrated.
Given the premise, what are the odds you could cast somebody already named something like Paget Brewster? Was it an accident, because you thought her cartoon series, Duck Dodgers was a remake of Bull Durham and not about Daffy, Porky and Yosemite Sam in outer space? Sadly, that’s almost all I got, except for this baroque period {{.}}
* Hey what do you want; just became the latest person to get sick in a confined unventilated space --- spray painting a swine flu medical mask black with the words, “It’s so important to accessorize.”
[Update: In yesterday afternoon’s Dallas Cowboys practice disaster, it was just revealed Tony Romo was saved only by his Jessica Simpson flu mask. Jessica had been issued one after observing, “What’s the big deal, if only swine can get it?” Then expanding the inquiry to wonder whether swine was chicken or fish.
Harold X, Anonymous and other critics:
ReplyDeleteCan I assume you'd like a refund on your blog reading fee?
The check is in the mail.
You have the right to remain silent...
I liked it. It's always fun to see the hoity-toity snobs get their comeuppance.
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting this Ken. The humor was all there for me - no laugh track required. Apropos of nothing, I love the word verifications on your site. This one is 'pulab'.
ReplyDelete"Harold X" said:
ReplyDelete> Sheesh, Ken, I was kidding.
Your joke wasn't funny.
Plagiarism is one of the worst, if not the worst, crime among writers. I'm not presuming to speak for Mr. Levine on this, but I have known writers who would rather you have "joke" about them being child molesters than plagiarists.
In all seriousness, I respectfully suggest a sincere apology and then never do that again.
I don't remember who you mentioned before having played Karl Mallard, but in reading the dialog I "heard" it coming from David Hyde Pierce.
ReplyDeleteIs it possible that you can link to or embed the Snobs pilot here they way you did for Big Wave Dave, or are the copyright issues too tangled?
Verification Word: "sporb", something a really down-on-her-luck fortune teller can use for eating or scrying.
I have a maxim that no 'criticism is ever wasted' - I guess Harold X fu #%ed that one for me.
ReplyDeleteA valuable post Mr Lavine - for those looking to learn.
I know people who would kill to live in San Mateo's $850,000 average home. Maybe if you said Pacifica, or Millbrea it would ring more true. Sunnyvale in the southbay ... or even Fremont.
ReplyDeleteI liked the somewhat demented 'Lamp Butler' spec script, which I think was submitted to Project Greenlight years ago. (The writers at that time sent it to anyone who asked nicely, which is how I read it.)
ReplyDeleteOy! No wonder everyone turned to reality tv. This was written by professionals?
ReplyDeleteBeing late to the game...I personally found this exercise and sharing by Ken to be quite interesting and helpful. So many people see shows on tv and have to think to themselves..."I could do that" - but in reading this pilot over, you realize (once again) how difficult it is to be original and creative. Kudos to Ken for sharing some of his wisdom for a world of wannabes - like me.
ReplyDeleteI thought it was good as well. Having written a few pilots and read countless others, I realize just how hard it can be to get a lot of your exposition out. It's not like the script Ken presented was trying to be a super edgy HBO, Showtime or Starz program. I think it was typical network fare. Oftentimes on paper scenes from the Office or Arrested Development could look cheesy or trite, especially if you're not familiar with the characters. Here's a great resource for people who don't have access to a lot of pilots. Check them out...
ReplyDeletehttp://tvwriting.googlepages.com/pilotschool