So you think you can wipeout on a Japanese dance talent show?

I decided to spend a rare night off last week catching up on network television.

OH
MY
GOD!!!

Since when did the summer become an absolute toxic waste dump for cheesy reality shows?

Flipping around from one to the other, this is what I found:

I SURVIVED A JAPANESE GAME SHOW – Two teams of American idiots compete against each other on a Japanese game show similar to DOUBLE DARE but without the elegance. Rome Kanda is the Japanese host. Picture Crazy Eddie from his stereo stores or Sean Penn in MYSTIC RIVER. This maniac just shouts – EVERYTHING!! Even Sam Kinison backed off for a sentence or two.

The stunts are zany and wacky and we’re told on their website “hilarious”. In the episode I saw contestants had to kick soccer balls while wearing vision impairing goggles. Seriously, how uproarious is that? And then they hit beach balls off of teammates heads with golf clubs onto a grossly sticky surface while the other team had to remove the balls. And the kicker: the team retrieving the balls would get stuck and couldn’t move easily! Only a comic genius could have conceived a stunt so incredibly inspired. Contestants are slipping. The host is screaming. Tacky Japanese graphics in day-glow colors are flashing on the screen. A Japanese studio audience is doubled over with laughter at the dumb Americans, probably thinking “And we couldn’t beat these guys in a war?”

The winning team got to eat beef; the losing team went on a fishing boat trolling for seaweed. I had to turn it off at this point. My sides were splitting.

That was on ABC. Its lead-in was WIPE OUT. Twenty-four morons compete in giant Rube Goldberg-like obstacle courses, invariably falling into mud. Obstacles include such fan favorites as “Big Balls” and “Plank in the Face”. Are tears running down your face from laughter?

The only thing surprising about this show is that it’s co-hosted by John Henson of TALK SOUP. Isn’t this just the kind of thing he spoofs so savagely? It’s sad to see this brilliant satirist doing play-by-play on fat people socked in the chops by automated boxing gloves.

FOX countered with SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE hosted by British hottie, Cat Deeley. One of the judges is Nigel Lythgoe, whose claim to fame is being one of the producers of AMERICAN IDOL. How this qualifies him to judge dancing I do not know. When a group of men did an African routine he said, “Africa is a continent that puts up with so much crap but when they get together, they can really dance.”

The other regular judge is someone I’ve never heard of – Mary Murphy. Her bio on the show’s website claims she’s an “in-demand film and television star”. Oh. Okay. And it further states that she does “crowd pleasing work”. Talk about an impressive resume!

The contestants were all fine dancers, at least to me. But then I don’t have the trained eye of someone who is “crowd pleasing”. The hoofers all flew around the stage, spinning and leaping. What do I know? The women wore skimpy outfits and looked hot; the men were all ripped. No chance the zaftig girl from HAIRSPRAY would ever get past week one on this show.

During commercial breaks, the local LA Fox affiliate did their nightly news tease – showing footage of Michael Jackson with his hair on fire. It seemed to compliment the evening perfectly.

NBC aired AMERICA’S GOT TALENT, the U.S. version of the British hit show that introduced the world to Susan Boyle and destroyed her life. Like its fellow reality shows, the host was somebody I had never heard of. Nick Cannon. His bio boasts that People magazine cited him as “one of the top ten most successful young people in Hollywood”.

Huh?? For what?

The bio goes on to explain he’s “a multi-faceted entertainer: film star, comedian, musician, writer and executive producer of his own hit TV shows.”

Huh?? What TV shows???

His big contribution to the program was standing just off stage telling each contestant to “Go get ‘em, y’all!”

The judges are…

Piers Morgan (who?), the obligatory pompous British guy who apparently just won the CELEBRITY APPRENTICE show, so who better to judge talent? Prior to that he was a newspaper editor, the ideal training ground for any entertainer.

Sharon Osbourne – a complete joke, and then…

David Hasselhoff from BAYWATCH. That’s like letting Kellie Pickler determine Nobel Prize winners.

Acts I saw were a 74 year withered fungo bat dressed like Elvis doing a disco number, three Spice Girls wannabes, an AMERICAN IDOL reject, a double-jointed dancer, and a magician in a blue Phantom of the Opera mask. In other words – a freak show. AMERICA’S GOT WEIRDOS.

Meanwhile, the studio audience was not just enthusiastic, they were absolutely orgasmic over this WAITING FOR GUFFMAN level talent.

Jesus, I long for the days when networks would fill their summer hours with failed pilots, endless reruns, and Captain & Tenille specials. Has the world gone nuts? Seaweed fishing in prime time. Sharon Osbourne. Geriatric disco dancers. I should be given a $50,000 first prize check. I performed the most difficult task of all. I SURVIVED A NIGHT OF AMERICAN REALITY SHOWS.