I found a website that lists all of the movies shown on LIFETIME. I imagine most of these are Movies of the Week made specifically for LIFETIME. You’ll notice several recurring themes. These are actual titles; I’m not making any of them up. I gotta watch LIFETIME MORE.Life Without Dick
A Woman Hunted
Bastard Out of Carolina
Co-ed Call Girl
Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life
Dead at 17
Death of a Cheerleader (which just might be the remake of Dead at 17)
Honeymoon With Mom
Human Trafficking
I Do (but I Don’t)
I Me Wed
I’m With Lucy
Little Girls in Pretty Boxes
Miracle on the 17th Green
My Stepson, My Lover
Nora Roberts Old
Robin Cook’s Terminal
Secret Lives of Second Wives
Single White Female 2: The Psycho (as opposed to the well adjusted girl in Single White Female 1)
The Trophy Wife’s Secret
To Be Fat Like Me
Too Young to Be a Dad
7 Things to Do Before 30
Ambulance Girl (this might be a superhero movie, not sure)
Confessions of a Go-Go Girl
Hostile Makeover
Jack & Jill vs. The World
Love ‘Em, Love “Em Not Weekend
Mafia Doctor
Mom, Dad, and Her
More Sex & the Single Mom
Mother, May I Sleep With Danger
Our Son, the Matchmaker
Sex & Mrs. X
The Hunt for the Unicorn Killer
The Wives he Forgot
Things You Can Tell Just by Looking at Her
What if God Were the Sun?
Why I Wore Lipstick to my Mastechtomy
I have a friend who used to work from home and watch Lifetime movies while she worked during the day.
ReplyDeleteShe used to IM me the plot to whatever movie she was watching with regular updates every time major plot events happened. It made my day a little more entertaining.
I'd avoid LMN like the plague. A friend of mine watches it religiously and I've seen a few of the movies with her. Pretty much 90% or more of the films are the woman in distress leaves abusive husband, finds attractive hunk in the mountains who rescues her type of crap. I'd rather stick needles in my eyes than watch this dreck.
ReplyDeleteThese are actual titles; I’m not making any of them up.
ReplyDeleteHey Ken, you know that the writers/producers of the movie "Bastard Out of Carolina" didn't make up the title either, right? Because it was named after a book. A really popular and critically acclaimed book, that was nominated for a freaking National Book Award. I haven't seen the movie, but the book was great.
...And look, there, you made me sorta defend Lifetime! Dammit.
These could be be the greatest movies ever or taken from the greatest books ever -- the titles still amuse me.
ReplyDeleteI'll admit, I'm surprised. I thought every Lifetime movie title followed the model of "Attention Getting Phrase: The (some woman's name) Story". Y'know, like "It Only Hurts When I Smile: The Joan Rivers Story". And so on.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite Lifetime movie is Best Friends, about a woman who reconnects with a best friend after years apart. This best friend turns out to be evil and she kills practically all of her ex friend's family by putting a seemingly endless amount of poison powder in their drinks.
ReplyDeleteYou'd think someone would be like, "Hey, my tea isn't supposed to look that way."
There will probably never be a better movie title than "Mother May I Sleep With Danger." It's the Citizen Kane of Lifetime movie titles (Citizen Kane, by the way, is the Mother May I Sleep With Danger of Orson Welles' Movie Titles, but I digress.)
ReplyDelete"A Dog Took My Face and Gave Me a Better Face to Change the World: The Celeste Cunningham Story" is also a really good title for a Lifetime movie.
And don't forget, for every 4 minutes of movie you get 5 minutes of commercials.
ReplyDeleteSo that makes perfect sense as to why Project Runway is now on that channel, yes indeed ...
ReplyDeleteNow I'd like to know how many on the list star Nancy Mckeon or Meredith Baxter Birney?
ReplyDeleteAMBULANCE GIRL wasn't a superhero movie--it was about a freelance writer who becomes a volunteer paramedic. No abusive husbands, no sensitive hunks living shirtless in a mountain cabin. 100% Tori Spelling Free! Kathy Bates was great, but then she always is.
ReplyDeleteI saw 'To Be Fat Like Me' on one of the movie channels they have here on cable - Kaley Cuoco was much cuter in the make-up.
ReplyDeleteOh very fucking funny - wv: portion
AMBULANCE GIRL wasn't a superhero movie--it was about a freelance writer who becomes a volunteer paramedic. No abusive husbands, no sensitive hunks living shirtless in a mountain cabin. 100% Tori Spelling Free! Kathy Bates was great, but then she always is.
ReplyDeleteTo digress even further, it was/is about Jane Stern, who, along with husband Michael, are the authors of the signature ROADFOOD series of books. And now a pretty nifty website - www.roadfood.com
I, personally, can readily imagine using these to supplant waterboarding.
ReplyDeleteIf only we could keep the media from finding out...
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ReplyDeleteI agree with Max.
ReplyDeleteThe "mother" of all Lifetime movie titles is "Mother May I Sleep With Danger?" The fact that it starred Tori Spelling is just a bonus.
"The Rape or Richard Beck" for the win...
ReplyDeleteI don't think it was a lifetime original, but they still show it occasionally.
The plot from wikipedia:
Richard Beck (Richard Crenna) is a police detective who believes that rape victims are to blame for the crime. He is later raped by two of the suspects he had been chasing. Ultimately, he changes his beliefs about rape victims.
Many of the titles may just be titles of porn movies.
ReplyDeleteYou know what might work well here? The old fortune cookie game of adding "In Bed" to the end of any of these...
ReplyDelete"These are actual titles; I’m not making any of them up."
ReplyDeleteWhat's the fun in that? :)
Here are mine:
-"My Mom is the other Women"
-"Substitute Hooker"
-"Crack Monestary"
-"Backordered Betty"
-"Paddy the Party Priest"
Spike is the male version of Lifetime...some upcoming projects include:
ReplyDelete"Sloppy Seconds to You, not to Me"
"The Tramp Stamp Collector"
"Her Mom, Her Sister, Her, and I"
"It Ain't your Beauty, it's your Booty"
"I Wouldn't Hit THAT with Your Car"
Some of you guys are missing the point.
ReplyDeleteWhat's funny here is that these are ACTUAL titles.
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ReplyDeleteThe Lifetime Movie Channel otherwise known as the Man-Bashing Channel, is should be banned from the planet in my humble opinion. Thanks to LMN, my ex-wife found a way to torture me on an almost daily basis. Worse on weekends. 99% of all movies and shows on that channel sends the statement that all men are evil.
ReplyDeleteBut on the bright side, in the divorce she took the couch that has over the years molded to fit her 220 lb. backside, perfectly.
So LMN can call the shows they televise whatever they want, give it dramatic titles and make it sound so enticing, but it's all the same. CRAP ON A STICK!
Levine,
ReplyDeleteWhat's even funnier is not so much that these were actual titles (although, granted, there IS that) but that these were actual movies.
That people watched. That companies sponsored. That companies sought, as customers, the sorts of people who saw things such as "Honeymoon with Mom."
WVW - Mingsary= The day when you celebrate the arrival of Ming the Merciless.
I may be missing the point. Aren't those the two aunts from SABRINA, THE TEENAGE WITCH? Were they in a Lifetime movie?
ReplyDeleteGee, I'm wondering now if LMN might be interested in something I've been working on: "Step-Granddaddy Showed Me His Oscar" (based on a true story)....
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ReplyDeleteIt would be a great game show/SNL bit though: "Pick the real Lifetime Movie"
ReplyDeleteThese movies are what happens to television when the "Very Special Episode of Blossom" is just too long and juicy to cut...that being said, GI JOE made $50MM this weekend.
Life without Dick on Lifetime Movie Network? That's brilliant. I can die a complete person now.
ReplyDeleteKen had you known the "Frasier" re-runs were going to end up on Lifetime, it would have been fun to craft an episode just using some of these movie title names in the linking title segments (I would have loved to have seen what a segment entitles "Hostile Makeover" would have looked like).
ReplyDelete"Bastard out of Carolina" is/was an incredible, critically acclaimed film with some big-name stars (Jena Malone, Jennifer Jason Leigh, etc). I don't think it was a Lifetime original movie, but I could be wrong.
ReplyDeleteLove the titles! The fact that they are all real is hilarious! I think "Why I wore Lipstick to my Mastectomy" sounds like a Judy Bloom title!
ReplyDeleteWV: SUCTILIK...no, I can't... Ken will be slapped with a porn designation again... everyone, insert your own joke here silently while I scream aloud
Grant: You had a typo: it's "The Rape OF Richard Beck."
ReplyDeleteThat's actually a solid ABC TV movie from 1985. Richard Crenna won an Emmy for it.
I am trying to find the name of a movie, I think its a lifetime. It has the song by the Police "ill be watching you" Its about a woman that stalks men and seduces them, she was in a mental hospital, then they let her out and she stalks a soap star. Any clues?
ReplyDelete