Writing Room Dining Tips

August is when most of the half-hour comedies go back into production. For writing staffs that means long hours, Lexapro, and eating your next 450 meals out of Styrofoam. As a veteran of the wars, allow me to offer some suggestions. I realize some are geared towards LA based shows. But I'm sure there are equivalent BBQ joints in New York and Kiev.

If Superman were picking up your dinner order at a restaurant and then flying back to the office with supersonic speed it would still arrive cold. So the P.A. who drives a Kia and is new to LA has no shot. The only food guaranteed to arrive warm is sushi.

Pasta does not travel well. Unless your fettuccine preference is a congealed brick, order a salad. Don’t be thinking “what would be best?”; think “what would be safe?” Caesars with chicken or shrimp are a good bet. So are sandwiches.

Any entrée that depends on sauce – avoid. That's actually good advice in general.

Beware of Barbeque food on a night you suspect might be a long one (i.e. later than 7:00). But when you feel nothing will hit the spot like animal fat, go to Doctor Hogly Wogly’s Tyler Texas Style BBQ way up in the valley. Send your P.A. now if you want it for Thursday.

Chinese food is always a staple because it can be served buffet style. Order from Twin Dragons. Just say “Bob Ellison for (how many)”. Bob has ordered there so many nights on so many shows that just his name becomes a short cut key stroke.

Deli buffets are good too. And it'll be a nice change not having it at a condolence call.

One night on FRASIER we had stone crabs. That was twelve years ago and they’re still picking shards of crab shells out of the carpet. Don't order items you can never get out of the room Tommy's chil burgers are another example. The smell of one of those babies will last long after civilization as we know it ceases to exist.

P.A.’s, don’t take everyone’s order like a waiter would. Pass out copies of the menu, let everyone circle what they want, and just collect them. It’ll save time and you won’t have to answer “whether the salmon is fresh”. How the fuck would you know?

Writers, when your order comes back wrong (and it WILL), never yell at the P.A. He’s overwhelmed, doing the best he can, and five years from now he’ll be the VP of Comedy for a major network. This happened to me. Thank God I was nice to Cheryl Dolins. She was our P.A. on CHEERS and years later I was pitching a pilot to her at NBC. She still didn’t buy it but that was the idea’s fault, not the Daily Grill’s.

And don’t be a P.A. Killer. Don’t send a 19-year-old coed out to get you soul food at 2:00 in the morning from an all-night stand in Compton.

When the food does arrive, eat it. That sounds obvious but on one show I consulted the show runner wouldn’t break for meals until we finished the scene we were working on. You could almost see the icicles forming on our Styrofoam boxes. This does not create a carnival-like atmosphere among the troops.

If the studio will let you, have a Starbucks run at 3:00 or 4:00. That jolt of caffeine should keep you awake during runthroughs. When actors share their concerns about lines or scenes they generally frown on you sleeping through it.

Bananas are a good snack food. The potassium can give you a second wind. Anything made by Hostess is bad. And may be left over from season three of ROSEANNE.

Don’t eat chocolate covered coffee beans unless you plan to be up for sixty straight hours.

Drink lots of water.

If you’re on some bizarre restrictive diet and require special attention you better be the funniest person in the history of the world or your staff will kill you.

Yeah yeah, we know the bagels aren’t as good as New York. Just shut up and eat one.

KFC = ICU.

Instead of Cherry Skittles and Strawberry Starbursts, consider as a daring alternative: cherries and strawberries.

The greatest incentive for writing an episode that is in great shape is not to win an Emmy, or gain the actors’ trust, it’s so you can go home and eat a real meal on a real plate.

Jesus! Just writing this I need a Tums.