The L.A. County Fair

In this ever-changing world it’s nice to know there are still State and County Fairs. For sheer Americana and just plain goofiness you cannot beat these celebrations of our country’s past and cardiac wards’ future. What better place to take your third grade class, Brownie troop, or legally insane killer inmates than a county fair. You may have heard, last week a homicidal murderer escaped at a Washington state county fair on a "field trip". (They let deeply disturbed killers go on field trips in Washington? Are they that liberal or is attendance that far down? I'm just askin'. )

Anyway, my all-time favorite was the Ohio State Fair I attended a few years ago in Columbus. The eight-foot statue of boxer Buster Douglas carved entirely in butter was certainly the highlight but watching the greased pig competition was a close second.

Folks still bring their cows to win blue ribbons. Moms still slave over hot stoves to make apple-gooseberry preserves worthy of kicking their neighbors’ sorry asses. And that prize clucker of yours might just win the chicken race this year and fried chicken competition the next. There are karaoke contests and hog calling contests (which may just be the same).

Carnival rides, manned by men who look like Reverend Jim, offer the kids hours of violent turbulent fun. I bet the escaped killer could've easily passed as a ferris wheel operator. There are exhibits, concerts, midways, horse and frog racing (different tracks), shopping opportunities, and a myriad of gastronomical delicacies, all dipped in chocolate and of course, all deep fried.

I don’t mind admitting it – I love County Fairs. So it took little persuasion to get to me to schlep out to the LA County Fair last week to make a personal appearance for the Dodgers and our radio station, KABC.

Here are some of the food items that are being served. And I’m not making ANY of these up. Deep Fried Coca Cola. Deep Fried Spam, Deep Fried Frog Legs, Deep Fried Twinkies and Oreos, and my favorite – Deep Fried Zucchini Weenies. Or you might prefer Chocolate Covered Bacon or Chocolate Dipped Pickles. There was something called a Krispy Kreme Chicken Sandwich ("Hey, that's not jelly. It's chicken!"). And who could resist savory Pig Butts? (I could see death row convicts requesting fair food for their last meal -- maybe the field trips make sense.)

These are the items listed under “Breakfast”. Again, I’m just copying what’s on the brochure. Mini Doughnuts, Cinnamon Rolls, Baked Potato (huh???), Texas Donuts, and Grand Desserts. Breakfast truly is the most nutritious meal of the day.

There are 33 venues selling beer, wine, and cocktails; 13 selling all other beverages.

And what a fair be like without Funnel Cake?! You can get your cholesterol level up to 300 with just four bites!

Personally, I have some rules about food. I don’t eat anything that’s blue. That meant no Icees, and no pulled pork.

My favorite part of any major Fair is the big exhibition hall where vendors hawk their wares. I love watching these Dan Aykroyd/Bassomatic salesmen go into their spiels. Forget computers! Forget Stem-Cell research! We have Titanium No-Stick Cookware now! And son-of-a-bitch, IT WORKS!!! IT'S A MIRACLE!!!!

And speaking of wonders -- there is now reusable ice! Thank GOD!!!

Every kind of household appliance, electronic jimjick, fashion accessory, black velvet artwork, health and beauty aid, automotive doohickey, flavor of jerky, schmatah, jewelry, and pet product known to man is for sale in one of the many cavernous exhibition halls. (I bet they even have handcuff keys.)

I got my Nail Fungus Kit, my Taco Proper, my Gourmet Olive Oil Sprayer, pet clothing, Custom Hitch Covers, Scum Off, Vita Mix (which looks suspiciously like a Bassomatic), fairy wings, my Shopping Jeep, and my Meat Pounder (I’m taking that back. It’s not what I thought it was. Turns out it’s a kitchen product.).

I found it amusing that they were selling life insurance policies ten feet from the Deep Fried White Castle Hamburger stand. And I noticed a lot of booths for bible study and Christian conversion but not a single booth for the Chabad House. The Republican Party also had a booth. I asked if they had any souvenirs like Dick Cheney rifles and the elderly women who manned the booth were not amused.

There were massage chairs, a back bubble traction device (kinky!), relief from any ache or pain for only three payments of $39.95. Someone was selling cast iron Butch Cassidy safes and another vendor was hawking seven-foot ladders. “Would you like a bag for that, sir?” I don’t think they’re doing great business. I didn’t see anyone walking around with a giant ladder or safe on his back.

I didn’t make it to the Safari Adventure but I did swing by Jurassic Planet to see the prehistoric dinosaurs (large enough to be impressive, small enough not to scare the shit out of kids.). At “A Pirates Life” they were teaching youngsters how to steer a pirate ship (so they have fun and learn a useful trade).

And of course I went to the big livestock barn. Here’s where the LA County Fair has it over their Ohio State counterpart. Both have sheep shearing demonstrations. But the LA Fair doesn’t sell lamb burgers right outside the hall. Is it bizarre that I still just like to walk around and look at animals?

I did my radio show, interviewed Steve Garvey (I said in the spirit of the Fair I had him dipped in chocolate), hung out with Dodger fans and handed out pocket schedules. I don’t know why, the season is over in two weeks.

I hope County and State Fairs go on forever. In this age of mega-corporations and Wallmarts, it’s nice to see small businesses and ma & pa operations (even if they’re killing us with Funnel Cake). These Fairs are an American tradition that need to be preserved. Or at the very least, deep fried.