Good news for women! Teri Hatcher will show you how to live your life! Who knows more about the trials and tribulations of daily living than an insulated spoiled actress who exists in a bubble of privilege? Who better to guide you through the rigors of motherhood, relationships, and financial hardships than a woman who never hears the word “no” from the moment she gets up in the morning till the moment she goes to sleep?
Teri Hatcher has begun her own lifestyle website, GetHatched – a Chick’s Guide to Life, and let me just say it’s about time! It’s Teri’s way to reach out and help all those women on the other side of her gated home. And this site is intended for all women so the advice is more far reaching. It’s not just how to terrorize a crew.
Here’s her mission statement:
"GetHatched is about finding your way to the ME part without getting lost along the way. My desire is to be able to reach women, lots of women, and supply just the right boost they might need on any given day."
Qualifications for this: none. But that doesn’t matter. She’s Teri Hatcher for Godsakes! She’s not just on a television show, she’s a series regular! She’s not just a housewife, she’s a DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE.
Here’s an example of her advice:
It's about embracing that as a woman, I'm not just defined by my form, if my breasts sag or if there is any cellulite on the back on my legs, if my knees and elbows have droopy skin or how many wrinkles I can find on my face... I work in an industry that seems to care a lot about all of this, and frankly makes lots of money off making everyone in the country care, too.
Inspiring words from someone so concerned with her appearance she once had an eating disorder.
Ms. Hatcher’s vital website provides a photo gallery to show you her world. You may think this is incredibly indulgent but it’s important to see photos of her shower, and what she looks like reading in bed.
And there are GREAT videos! In “In the House with Teri, Episode 1”, no less an authority than “actress and author Mariel Hemingway shares how small steps can spark big changes in your life.”
GetHatched is a MUST-read for any woman seeking life coaching from a narcissistic B-list celebrity. And when you’re through with that, hop over to Gwyneth Paltrow’s site to learn handy tips on how to give yourself an enema.
Oh, thank you Internet for giving celebrities a forum where they can be self-indulgent. Without you, where would they turn?
ReplyDeleteThanks for this informative post! I'm heading right over there now and then to Gwyneth's site as well. I've always wanted to name my kids after fruit. Oh wait, I don't have any kids.
ReplyDeleteFoiled again!
I had heard Gwyneth plug her site (I think it's goop.com) on The View the other day, and oh god, I guess it's catching on. Funny how I haven't dropped everything to look at these things.
ReplyDeleteI hope Teri publishes the before and after pictures of the facelift she got that was so tight she wound up with a goatee.
ReplyDeleteJust another self-indulgent act by someone totally preoccupied with her own inflated sense of importance....
ReplyDeleteUh, what page are the shower pictures on?
I just hope they show pictures of her breasts. I hear they're spectacular!
ReplyDeleteHmmm... Eating disorders are seldom about physical appearance as opposed to a psychological need to exert control over an area of one's life. I read your blog daily, but am crying foul on that as a cheap shot.
ReplyDeleteI should pass them on to my Latino students who live in South Central. They will undoubtedly want to show their moms.
ReplyDeleteDear Mr. Levine,
ReplyDeleteI think you are being a bit unfair to Ms. Hatcher.
While your resume' is impressive, I thought this post was written in haste and below writing standards that I am accustomed to.
I suggest that take a refresher course from, oh, say, Tyra Banks:
http://www.tyra.com/view/BANKABLE_BOOKS
You have written books and TV shows, but she has walked in clothing. Top THAT, Mister. :)
Well written, Ken.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite snark-inducing celebrity worship trend of the moment is the burgeoning line of celebrity fragrances. It seems like every time I tune in a late-night talk show and see an actress in the guest chair she's stumping for her own eponymous line of perfume.
Recent Example: Queen Latifah on Letterman this week.
"Ladies, now YOU can smell like your favorite character from 'Barbershop 2'!"
Then again, lending a celebrity name/face to a line of home products made Kathy Ireland a billionaire, so what do I know?
Todd
www.whythesquirrelwontfry.com
I'm laughing a lot at this post. I read recently that Ms.Paltrow dines in the nude to help cut calories-everyone else's as well,I'm guessing.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to beg off getting "Hatched."
I absolutely don't care, but this seems harsh and sniping. I like it better when you lavish praise on the under-appreciated Nancy Travises of the world. Is Teri Hatcher that much of a dick? I heard she was kind of nice. But then again, I don't care.
ReplyDeleteKen, given the amount of your experience in television and movies, I'm surprised that I have to point out to you this elemental truth. Once you become famous, you are automatically qualified as an expert on everything. Your celebrity status means the rest of us should listen to your views on politics, fashion, pimple cream, child-raising, cars, global warming, spiritual development, colon-cleansing, etc. etc. etc.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I kind of like Teri Hatcher on Deperate Housewives also I haven't a clue what she's like off camera.
You buried the lead, Ken.
ReplyDeleteI clicked through to the site and I found, to my amazement, that it wasn't just a vanity project by the self-centered Ms. Hatcher, it was a vanity project that was part of the Disney website.
This is A CROSS-PLUG FOR "DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES" -- on the website of the same company that produces the show through one division and broadcasts it on another.
This makes it marginally less about Hatcher's ego and nominally more about the Mouse squeezing another buck out of his properties.
Actually, Tim W, her breasts in their natural state -- not so fabulous. Check out "Heaven's Prisoners."
ReplyDeleteThe bigger question is how do I know this and why is this useless shit still crowding my brain?
I'd love to GetHatched, but first I need to get laid... budum-bum!
ReplyDeleteI've had a crush on Teri Hatcher ever since Lois and Clark. Tits, mastectomy, I don't care, it's those lips! Mmm! Don't you dare tell me they're collagen! Hell, they'll still make for a soft landing. I'd love for her to give me advise!
Great blog, Ken! Hope to see you soon!
I've never been a Teri Hatcher fan. But I think I remember reading somewhere that she's a single parent. If so, I can promise you she's heard the word NO quite a bit.
ReplyDeleteLike a previous poster, I don't really care. But I was kind of surprised at your portraying an actress that way, particularly one who isn't what I would consider a major star.
I mean, I could see saying something like that about someone like Julia Roberts. Particularly since she admits that she was a pretty big dick when she first became famous at a young age, which made me like her a little when I didn't before.
But even though you must have had to put up with some really crappy stuff from some performers, don't most people realize by now that even rich and famous people often have some majorly depressing things going on in their lives? It just kind of hit a false note to see you assuming that a B list actress was so spoiled and pampered. Teri Hatcher's life just never looked all that perfect to me.
I enjoy your blog normally but today is a zero. I don't care what Teri Hatcher does until she causes you to waste time yapping about how she is a waste of time.
ReplyDeleteAwwh - somebody beat me to "they're real and they're spectacular"
ReplyDeleteMe thinks no one will care...Fine job as usual Ken...
ReplyDeleteOooooooooo, Teri...they're REAL and they're SPECTACULAR!
ReplyDelete"GetHatched is a MUST-read for any woman seeking life coaching from a narcissistic B-list celebrity."
ReplyDeleteKind of sounds like this site! Just replaced "any woman" with "any wanna-be writer".
No. Seriously.
ReplyDeleteWhere are those shower pics?
I have to agree with some of the earlier posts... seems a little harsh.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's a vanity site, maybe she was pressured into it by her manager, agent or Disney's marketing machine. Or maybe she sincerely feels she has life experiences to share.
Having met her briefly a couple of times she strikes me as a committed single mother, not the easiest task, and she doesn't seem to be a diva. I'm sure she can have her days just like most stars but she's no Nicollette Sheridan (who I'm told by someone who works on DH was a total pain in the ass).
I'd cut her a little slack.
I can't believe I'm spending this much time on someone who I really don't care about, but I came across your tweet that you stand by what you said, and I wonder if you've even gone back and read exactly what you said.
ReplyDelete"GetHatched is about finding your way to the ME part without getting lost along the way. My desire is to be able to reach women, lots of women, and supply just the right boost they might need on any given day."
Qualifications for this: none.
Um, exactly what kind of qualifications are you talking about here? You kind of have to assume that the women visiting her site are fans, or at least curious, and any kind of positive outlook would likely give them a boost on a bad day.
"It's about embracing that as a woman, I'm not just defined by my form, if my breasts sag or if there is any cellulite on the back on my legs, if my knees and elbows have droopy skin or how many wrinkles I can find on my face... I work in an industry that seems to care a lot about all of this, and frankly makes lots of money off making everyone in the country care, too."
Inspiring words from someone so concerned with her appearance she once had an eating disorder.
Actually, those may be kind of inspiring words from someone who once had an eating disorder. It's a much healthier outlook. I think the eating disorder may have been quite a while back, too, so she should be commended for beating it, because that's a very serious condition.
I agree, as millions would, that the website is worthy of mockery. Personally, I think Gwyneth Paltrow and her website are even more worthy. I don't think Teri Hatcher is anywhere nearly as pretentious as Paltrow comes across. And Paltrow had a privileged upbringing, so that would make her an even easier target.
But here you are, attacking a single mom who is managing to make her way successfully doing something she loves in an extremely difficult industry, in spite of severe challenges. What are *your* qualifications for judging her so harshly?
Surely there are more worthy targets for you to take aim at. Because I gotta tell you, your rants about Teri Hatcher and Lady Gaga actually reflect less well on you than them. It makes you sound like you're bitter because people you think have so much less talent than you are finding more success than you are. Although, after all your years in the business, I'd think you'd have accepted that as a fact of life by now. I mean, if William Hung managed to find even fleeting fame and fortune, you have to admit that there is often no rhyme or reason to either of those.
Or maybe you believe women should meet some Patty Heatonish standard in your head or they suck, no variety allowed. Either way, just fyi, it's not at all attractive. Hopefully we can soon look forward to your usual, more entertaining posts.
Ouch!
ReplyDeletechill out guys! just because she has privilege, doesn't mean she is unqualified to be able to offer advice to people. many people who have suffered eating disorders, for example, get great wisdom from the experience, so no need to make remarks about her based on her illnesses!
ReplyDeletepersonally, i don't read celebrity lifestyle blogs/sites/whatever, and if it bothers you that much - maybe just don't read them!
I just want to say I love Rebecca. She disagrees with me but left her name. She didn't hide behind anonymity.
ReplyDeleteRebecca, I just believe you need more qualifications -- such as psych or social work degrees -- in order to dispense life coaching help. Peoples' problems are often very great and they need real help; not a celebrity's, not mine.
I feel the same way about pop psychologists on the radio. How can they possibly tell people what to do in crisis situations based on 30 seconds of hearing their problem?
If Teri wants to give fashion or acting advice, great.
Ken
those pics better be her in the shower not at some baby shower....
ReplyDeleteI love the byline "created with Teri Hatcher". I'm sure she is slaving over a keyboard for every word, with a light editing by a pedant.
ReplyDeleteKen, maybe you should put a byline on your blog - "created with David Issacs"
Ken Levine: "I feel the same way about pop psychologists on the radio. How can they possibly tell people what to do in crisis situations based on 30 seconds of hearing their problem?"
ReplyDeleteUmm -- didn't you have writing credits for Frasier?
Ken did write for Frasier-- which often parodied pop psychologists on the radio.
ReplyDeleteCareful Ken. I used to work for a movie/entertainment news website. Miss Hatcher proved to not only be a good sport about reporting regarding her and her Desperate Housewives character, but sometimes stories would be followed up with requests from her lawyer to pull the articles offline. These weren't libelous pieces of gossip either. As a result, she quickly became "she-who-must-not-be-named" in our staff e-mails.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the posters defending Ms. Hatcher. She is at least as qualified to give advice to everyday women as Elizabeth Berkeley (who went straight from "Saved by the Bell" to shaking her naked T&A in the cinema classic "Showgirls") is to run an advice website for young girls on how to handle the transition into womanhood. You should check that out as soon as you finish reading Jennifer Love Hewitt's new book on how to have a fulfilling, longterm romantic relationship. I plan to buy that as soon as I'm done taking lessons in fomenting world peace from Sean Penn.
ReplyDelete@ Rebacca: In this day and age, there is nothing but "rhyme and reason" for the insane doses of celebrity advise, celebrity aid, celebrity "reality". Yet even though it all rhymes and makes perfect consumable sense, it all still sucks. Call the backlash what you want; cynical, bitter, blah, blah, blah ... She and all that reap this harvest like her, leave themselves wide open. I agree that there are qualified people meant to actually help others. The sad fact - what I feel Mr. Levine comments on indirectly with these types of posts - is that there are a frightening amount of people in the world, in our society especially, that only want the Teri Hatchers to slink up to the plate and take a swipe at their deepest, darkest problems. Really pathetic, don't you think? And I could care less about her and her opinion, or those that hold it in high regard. But the original post is SO much less offensive than anything that this huge mass oalled "everyday America" generates on a moment to moment basis. The bar is on the ground. Why not try to raise it a couple of centimeters?
ReplyDeleteI'm frankly pretty amazed that you, Ken, and all these posters, assume that Ms. Hatcher actually wrote this book! I'd frankly be surprised if she even read it.
ReplyDeleteI am outraged that Ken Levine is expressing Ken Levine's opinions on Ken Levine's blog.
ReplyDeleteKen Levine, please put a stop to yourself.
WV: "orterea" - the other popular social disease.
Everytime Ken writes posts about celebrities doing things they shouldn't, fans come out of nowhere to defend them. I find it funny everytime. Funny thing is, Terri Hatcher doesn't give a damn who they are.
ReplyDeleteLove the blog!
Sent from my iPhone.
Dave said:
ReplyDelete"Ken Levine: "I feel the same way about pop psychologists on the radio. How can they possibly tell people what to do in crisis situations based on 30 seconds of hearing their problem?"
"Umm -- didn't you have writing credits for Frasier?"
I think Frazier kind of satirized the whole radio pop psycologist genre, so I don't think there's anything contradictory about Ken's comment.
"Mel Ryane said...
ReplyDeleteI read recently that Ms.Paltrow dines in the nude to help cut calories."
Did you hear what restaurants she frequents? "Honey, I am your tip!"
Hilarious post. Amazing to me that Teri has supporters. Just saw a wonderful one-man stage show playing LA (and all summer in Provincetown) called CANNED HAM, and the star, Tom Judson, toured with Teri in CABARET, and tells tales in the show of Teri to curdle the blood.
I imagine Satan showing various actresses the contract for their souls: "Yes, you will be one of the stars of a hit series for 7 years. You will end up owning Montana. But, you will be co-starring with Teri Hatcher."
[Satan laughs, satanically.]
That is going to be great. I am waiting for that for a long time. I assure you that I am going to be one of the biggest fans of that website.
ReplyDeleteShe's actually pretty nice. I've run into her several times and she always says hello and stops to chat a little. Definitely NOT a diva.
ReplyDeleteGood
ReplyDeleteEverytime Ken writes posts about celebrities doing things they shouldn't, fans come out of nowhere to defend them. I find it funny everytime.
ReplyDelete