Can't come to the phone right now, I'm in surgery

I’m going in this morning for another eye operation. I debated whether to mention it because I hate blogs that just fill space sharing the mundane trivial events of the bloggers’ lives. But you may wonder why I don’t respond promptly to reader comments this morning and that’s the reason. I’ll be in surgery.

This has been a long ordeal that began way back in January when I developed complications from a cataract surgery. I’ve since had corneal swelling and a viral infection. Today’s procedure should really put me back on track to full restoration of my sight. I hope. Of course, that’s what they said the last time when I proved to be one of the 2% who have problems.

Minor surgery is only minor when it happens to YOU not me. But I’m in great hands and am optimistic.

It’s quite amazing really. I go in at 6:30 (based on previous experience). I change into a hospital gown (not a good look for me, by the way), lie down on a gurney in a pre-op ward where a nurse checks my vitals, puts some drops in my eye and starts an IV. A few minutes later I’m wheeled into surgery. I’ll be under local anesthetic as I was during the cataract procedures. I asked my nurse last time -- since I’m going to be awake can I bring a book? She didn’t get it. Note to self: don’t joke with the nurses.

If all goes well the operation should take about a half hour. I’m then wheeled back into the ward where I rest for about twenty minutes before getting dressed and going home. Cost of this whole thing is probably equivalent to a McMansion but the eye drops are included. Thank God for insurance. On the other hand, if there were no insurance and people had to actually pay for everything I wonder whether the prices would still be so absurdly high? Q-Tips: $100.

Again, I’m told the recovery is fairly easy. I’ll have a patch and tape on my eye today and the doctor will remove it tomorrow. I’m planning on returning to work on Friday. Last time I went to lunch with this patch on. The waiter didn’t acknowledge it at all, was very matter-of-fact about serving a customer who looked like a victim in a slasher movie. I purposely sat with my back to the room. If the Johnny Rocket patrons were going to get sick I wanted it to be from the food, not me.

I must say the sophistication of this process is extraordinary. You can’t believe the tests they now have. Sonograms, measuring the circulation in the eye (you’re given some fluorescent dye and for two days you glow), pictures of the eye from behind the eye (I don’t know how they do that but I bet in a year there’ll be an iPhone app), and they can count the number of cells in your cornea. And you say to yourself, if they can do this how come they still can’t figure out how many people are watching a damn television show?

So that’s what I’m doing this morning. I’ll let you know in a couple of weeks if it worked. Oh, and since I'll be in surgery anyway, like Heidi Montag I think I'll get a mini-brow lift, lipo on my neck, waist, hips, and thighs, a chin reduction, an ear job, fat injections in my cheeks, nasalobial folds and lips, rhinoplasty, Botox injections in my forehead, and buttocks augmentation. I won't get breast implants tough. That's just crazy.