I find these laws to be self evident…
There are more New York cab drivers who speak English than all the night nurses in all metropolitan hospitals combined.
Theatre audiences will always boo an Adam Sandler trailer yet he will keep getting movies.
If you're only doing a limited schedule of broadcasting for the Mariners, you won't get to do the perfect game.
There is not one mohel who doesn’t think he’s a comedian. There is not one mohel who is right.
If a waiter doesn’t write down your order he will get it wrong.
If you’re telling a joke in a restaurant the waiter will arrive and interrupt the minute you get to the punch line.
There will always be one young couple that brings a baby to a slasher movie.
In every article that mentions you, no matter how complimentary, there will always be one thing said or misquoted that will prevent you from forwarding it to your family.
The heavier and more cumbersome your carry-on luggage, the farther your gate will be from the terminal.
No pregnant woman looks good in a bikini.
When a hostess tells you it’ll only be five more minutes, they just have to clear off some tables – it’ll be twenty.
The minute you begin eating on an airplane, turbulence will begin.
When a couple from the mainland gets married in Hawaii the marriage doesn’t last.
Nine out of ten tourists at Disneyland are overweight. Ten out of ten if they stay two days.
The screw up because the hospital forgot to bill the correct insurer will never ever ever be resolved.
Women will always claim the number one thing they’re looking for in a man is a sense of humor and then pick the best looking guy.
The driver in front of you is an idiot.
And of course, my most famous law...
The lead-off walk always comes around to score... unless he doesn't. (I've never been proven wrong.)
I watched the perfect game on TV (since you weren't on the radio, Ken.) I'm just curious, since a number of frequent posters here are near Seattle - was anyone at the game?
ReplyDeleteI was, Mike. It was incredible.
ReplyDelete"The driver in front of you is an idiot." is only half the law. The second half says "The driver behind you is an idiot for thinking you're an idiot."
ReplyDeleteGotta disagree about pregnant women in bikinis. That is sexy. In the eye of this beholder anyway.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWhen a couple from the mainland gets married in Hawaii the marriage doesn’t last.
ReplyDeleteMy parents disproved this one. Two Midwesterners married by a justice of the peace in Honolulu in 1962, they were married 41 years until my father passed.
Sorry you weren't calling the game yesterday, Ken. Would have been something to see.
ReplyDeleteI think you spelled "richest" wrong in the one about women wanting a man with a sense of humor.
ReplyDeleteAnd another...don't be surprised if the Mariners are no-hit at least once more this season. Was it Tampa Bay that was involved in 3 no hitters in one season? If it can happen to a decent hitting team like TB, it certainly can happen to the anemic bats of the Mariners. The Royals, losers of 9 straight (8 of those on their current home stand) have to be counting the days till they play Seattle or Oakland.
ReplyDelete"Any food item that falls off the cutting board will roll UNDER the stove. Even cubed tofu."
ReplyDelete"There is not one mohel who doesn’t think he’s a comedian. There is not one mohel who is right."
ReplyDeleteWell, when your job is mutilating babies' penises, you have to deal with the guilt and horror somehow. You can tell jokes, or you can commit suicide. Those are pretty much the only choices.
"Nine out of ten tourists at Disneyland are overweight. Ten out of ten if they stay two days."
Given what food costs at Disneyland these days (A hot dog, fries and a coke will run you around $10), I'd think two days there would cause you to lose weight. "Well kids, we can skip dinner in New Orleon's Square tonight, or we can lose our home. Your choice."
Greg, welcome to the club. I was at David Cone's perfect game in July 1999. Still my biggest thrill in baseball...although if the Washington Nationals reach the postseason, I may have to revise that.
ReplyDeleteSorry dude, I think you are off-base with the pregnant women. I've personally seen a ton of pregnant women who look fantastic in bikinis. And what's more, who cares? They didn't don their swimsuits for your approval. They're going swimming! Gotta wonder, what is it about pregnant women that scares you?
ReplyDeleteWhy the misogyny, Ken? Your comments about pregnant women in bikinis and women always going for the best looking guy were sexist and unnecessary.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe 3 people on here are arguing with you about pregnant women. Of course pregnant women don't look good in bikinis. I'm with you!
ReplyDeleteAh, a new comments column controversy: Is mentioning that pregnant women do not look good in bikinis mysogynist or merely noticing an obvious fact? When Reality clashes with Political Correctness. Allow me to take the perceived sexism out of it by pointing out that men built like they're pregnant also look bad in bikinis. (Or even in "Mankinis".)
ReplyDeleteWe invent this myth that women look great pregnant for fairly clear reasons. This eventually results in horrors like showing your kids' birth videos to victims, I mean guests. For decades I've heard that "Pregenant women have this beautiful glow to them." Bilge! Ever try to read a book by the glow of a pregnant woman?
They can, however, look fantastically sexy while getting pregnant.
(It is amazing to me that people can come to a blog by a famous comedy writer and then bitch about the jokes. THEY'RE JOKES!)
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ReplyDelete"A hostess in an empty restaurant will always lead you to the worst table."
ReplyDeleteThis is SO true! Why does it always happen?
Got married in Hawaii in 1989. Alas, still married. I saw a pregnant woman that looked fantastic in a bikini. She was three weeks pregnant.
ReplyDelete"The minute you begin eating on an airplane, turbulence will begin."
ReplyDeleteSadly, this is 100% true. It always happens to me.
"Nine out of ten tourists at Disneyland are overweight. Ten out of ten if they stay two days."
I pretty much broke that law. I've stayed slim and healthy for 10 days inside that park.
"teuroa petwee said...
ReplyDeleteAnd another...don't be surprised if the Mariners are no-hit at least once more this season. Was it Tampa Bay that was involved in 3 no hitters in one season?"
Agreed. My Cubs (Yes, MINE. You even make eye contact, I shiv you) hold the MLB record for longest streak without a no-hitter thrown against them. Last one was a perfect game by Sandy Koufax on September 9th, 1965. The previous no-hitter thrown against the Cubs? August 19, 1965 - about three weeks earlier.
"Why the misogyny, Ken? Your comments about pregnant women in bikinis and women always going for the best looking guy were sexist and unnecessary."
ReplyDeleteChrist I hate the thought police.
Got a baseball question for ya.
ReplyDelete2 outs, a grounder goes to 1st baseman and he steps on the bag for the 3rd out. He then trots to the dugout where someone will toss him a ball. But he already has a ball, so he tosses that ball into the stands. Why? Why, if he has a ball is he tossed a ball?
Thank You
A corollary to the restaurant seating rule: if the huge dining area is empty except for one other table, you will be seated as closely as possible to that table so you can all eavesdrop on each other.
ReplyDelete"Cap'n Bob said...
ReplyDeleteI saw a pregnant woman that looked fantastic in a bikini. She was three weeks pregnant."
It's been a while since you last amused me, Cap'n, but that line got a loud chuckle from me.
"Eduardo Jencarelli said...
'Nine out of ten tourists at Disneyland are overweight. Ten out of ten if they stay two days.'
I pretty much broke that law. I've stayed slim and healthy for 10 days inside that park."
Why wouldn't they let you leave? Or was the line for the revamped Star Tours really that long?
"Dan Tedson said...
Christ I hate the thought police.
You have the right to remain thoughtless. If you choose to think, any thought you express will be taken down in evidence and used against you in a court of public opinion. You have a right to have your brain with you while thinking. If you do not have a brain, you must be a Republican.
I'm fat, and I love Disneyland. So perhaps you observed me enjoying the good life? ;-)
ReplyDeleteIn other news, did you know the very first episode of Cheers was shot on this day 30 years ago? When fans know too much info!
To all those commenting about pregnant women in bikinis...I saw a piece on a reality show about a radio station sponsoring a pregnant women beauty pageant.
ReplyDeleteRobin Raven said...
ReplyDelete"I'm fat, and I love Disneyland. So perhaps you observed me enjoying the good life? ;-)"
Was that you, Robin?
"Christ I hate the thought police.
ReplyDeleteYou have the right to remain thoughtless. If you choose to think, any thought you express will be taken down in evidence and used against you in a court of public opinion. You have a right to have your brain with you while thinking. If you do not have a brain, you must be a Republican."
It's a vicious cycle. But I hear they sell a pill for it down at the Piggly Wiggly for $19.84.
and what about when you sit in a nearly deserted theater and the only other people come in and sit right in front of you! This happens to me at the beach too, wtf
ReplyDelete"Theatre audiences will always boo an Adam Sandler trailer yet he will keep getting movies."
ReplyDeleteBecause those same booers then go to his movies. Unless he does the honorable thing and leaves show business, he'll continue to make movies until they start consistently losing money.
"Women will always claim the number one thing they’re looking for in a man is a sense of humor and then pick the best looking guy."
This scenario has happened to me a thousand times:
Woman: "The most important thing is he's gotta have a great sense of humor. Because I love to laugh."
Me: "Okay, then. Guy goes to a restaurant and says, 'Ya got soup on the menu?' And the waiter says, 'Yeah, but I'll wipe it off.'"
Woman (blank stare, then): "Yeah, go on..."
On the other hand, a woman who tells me, "You're so funny!" is really saying, "I will never, ever sleep with you."
Ken, I was wondering if you've ever been asked to write a script (or sought to submit one) for "Hot In Cleveland," a series I adore. Of course, you have experience writing for Jane Leeves, and I would guess you know Betty White, Wendie Malick and Valerie Bertinelli. And they have plenty of sitcom veterans as guest stars and directors. Is their writing staff a strictly internal group? Is the style of humor a bit broader than what you write for? Does your baseball work get in the way? Just curious.
ReplyDeleteOh, and regarding "Veep": When Sarah Palin came on the scene in September 2008, I thought Julia Louis-Dreyfus would be a great choice to portray her (although who can argue with what Tina Fey did?). Now, J L-D gets to portray an ersatz Palin.
"Women will always claim the number one thing they’re looking for in a man is a sense of humor and then pick the best looking guy."
ReplyDeleteWords from a man whos clearly not as funny as he thinks he is. Really.
As for your comment about pregnant women and bikinis, thats just crossing new douche bag territory.
Conversely, men say they want a woman with a sense of humor when they really mean "someone who laughs at all my jokes."
ReplyDelete