You know what this means, don’t you? It means that now even Dane Cook’s phone will be funnier than he is.
It also means a job for someone or a group of people.
What they need is witty responses to user questions. I’m sure the first funny response they’ll have to settle on is an answer to what I’m sure is her most asked question:
“Siri, will you fuck me?”
If you ask that now she says, “There is no need for profanity.” Still funnier than Dane Cook but pithier lines are out there.
If you ask her: “Should I get a Droid?” she currently says, “I can’t answer that.” A good comedy writer could beat that joke.
Ask her, “Do you like oral sex?” she will say: “I don’t know what oral sex is. Would you like a web search for it?” So Siri’s going to need a little tutoring too.
I wonder if the writers they hire will get notes? Will one have a joke red lined with the note: “Siri wouldn’t say that?” Or “Disembodied voices have been doing that joke for years?”
Might this open up a whole new marketplace for comedy writers? Punching up GPS systems. Jokes for automated phone operators.
If anyone applies for this job, please let me know what the process is. It's probably worth taking the gig just for the Apple employee discount alone.
For whatever it's worth, she already says 'African or European swallow' in answer to a particular question.
ReplyDelete"Siri, will you ...?"
ReplyDelete"Not unless it fits in a USB port, sir."
These talking gravestones you get now are funnier than Dane Cook.
ReplyDeleteI believe if you ask Siri the question "Who is funnier than Dane Cook?" you send the app into a Mobius Loop.
ReplyDeleteHaha...great!
ReplyDelete"Siri, will you fuck me?"
"Yes I will. Please set me to 'vibrate' and provide adequate waterproof protection before inserting me into the orifice of your choice"
"Then what?"
"Call me"
Wahay!
Apparently if you asked Siri "what's the best smart phone ever?" she initially responded "the Lokia Lumia 900".
ReplyDeleteWhen Apple discovered this, they changed her response to:
"All the best Virtual Assistants prefer the iPhone"
(Ow. My sides!)
I don't envy whoever gets this job. It's like giving lines to the worst comedic actor in the world.
ReplyDeleteDespite Apple's attempts at making jokes (like the one above), Siri has never made me laugh.
I don't know about Siri, being an Android user. but a perfect comedian for a GPS would be Rickles:
ReplyDelete"Hey Dummy - you got a left coming up in a mile"
"You didn't make that turn! Now I gotta recalculate dummy!"
"You made it to McDonald's, now you can stuff your face fatty"
I always thought it would be funny to show a "human real" GPS...
ReplyDelete"Ok, you need to turn left here -- NO! NOT HERE! There! Where that silver car is going!"
"Hmm. This doesn't look right."
"Stop and ask this guy for directions."
All questions can be answered "Insufficent bandwith"
ReplyDeleteI think you meant "disembodied", not "disenfranchised". Can't be much more franchised than Apple.
ReplyDeleteI never went to Jack in the Box because I had to talk to that stupid clown (which got blown up, BTW). I'll talk to a human using my phone, but I'll be damned if I talk TO or WITH my phone.
ReplyDeleteSounds like a perfect fit for Gilbert Gottfried.
ReplyDeleteStanley Kubrick's greatest regret was that he didn't get his first choice, Morey Amersterdam, for the voice of HAL.
ReplyDeleteApple hiring comedy writers? What's the matter, 10 year olds in China unavailable?
ReplyDeleteBefore if you wanted to write for robotic female drone for low wages, there was only Joan Rivers.
ReplyDeleteGreat. A shitty open mic for my phone.
ReplyDeleteWhen I asked Siri "What is the answer to life, the universe and everything?" the response was "no match found." So apparently she's a Monty Python fan but not a Douglas Adams fan?
ReplyDelete