Confessions of an Emmy winner

The 65th annual primetime Emmy Awards are tonight. As usual, I shall be reviewing them tomorrow. I’ve reviewed them quite a few years now, which means I haven’t been nominated for an Emmy in quite a few years.

To be quite honest, unless you win one, it’s not really that much fun to attend. The only thing worse than losing is losing early. Then you have to sit there for three hours and watch other people bound up to the stage. If you’re not nominated then it’s a little better because – truth be told – you spend a lot of time in the lobby schmoozing with other non-nominees.

But when you win, it is SWEET. You come back to your seat clutching your gleaming statue. Everyone around you congratulates you (even if they don’t mean it), and you’re in such a good mood you don’t even mind sitting through the big musical production number saluting disaster coverage.

Some other things about winning – it takes the pressure off. By that I mean everyone actually in the business knows that from time to time some real assholes win Emmys. At least now you could say, “Well, okay, I’ve got one too.” Even if they have more than you, it doesn’t count. You’ve been in the winner’s circle.

Along those lines, when you’re making your acceptance speech, all the shit heads who beat the crap out of you in high school, all the girls who wouldn’t go out with you, all the employers who wouldn’t hire you, and all the agents who wouldn’t take your call (even though you're their client) – they’re staring at the screen going, “What the FUCK!?”

As statuettes go Emmys are impressive. Large size, good heft, and very cool design. Some of these other awards look like paperweights or doorstops. And Emmys are not just decorative; they’re functional. Chris killed a guy on THE SOPRANOS by clubbing him to death with an Emmy.

And finally – this I didn’t expect – you carry the handle “Emmy winner” with you the rest of your life. It’s mentioned in every introduction, listed anytime your name appears in an article. Very few distinctions stay with you like that. Rarely are you introduced as “West Valley League Bowling Champ” (although, depending on your score, that might be an even more difficult feat than winning an Emmy). But you wanna talk about something that looks good on a resume? Emmy winner is right up there with “former Prince of Liechtenstein.”

So good luck tonight to all the nominees. May you win early or at least lose late. Be nice to the seat fillers. And say hi to the people in the lobby for me. Talk to you tomorrow.