LABOR DAY: My review

2014 is young but maybe the dumbest movie of the year is already here. LABOR DAY. It will be released tomorrow. I've seen it already because they laughably thought it was Oscar material and sent out DVD screeners. This is author Joyce Maynard’s masturbatory fantasy about a big hunky escaped con hiding in a lonely but sexy single mother’s house for a long weekend and becoming the perfect lover, father, and handy-man.

The screenplay was adapted and directed by Jason Reitman who used to be a terrific director. What the hell happened between UP IN THE AIR and this?

It stars Kate Winslet playing a less interesting version of the character she played beautifully in LITTLE CHILDREN. And Josh Brolin, who you always think got the role after seven better actors turned it down.

She’s a depressed mom and he’s your standard convicted murderer with a heart of gold. So naturally they click. What morose woman wouldn’t fall in love with a killer on the lam and vice versa?

LABOR DAY refers to the process you'll be experiencing while watching this movie.  

The narrative is so stupid on every level that you’ll spend half the film shaking your head (and the other half checking your watch). There’s an APB out on this guy in the sleepy little town. Police cars are patrolling the streets. Cops are going door to door. Neighbors are stopping by to make sure our sweet Kate is okay. You’d think Josh would keep a low profile. But no. He’s out in the yard teaching her kid how to hit a baseball. He’s cleaning the storm drains, fixing the car, repairing things in the yard – all right out there in the open.

But wait! Brolin was also stabbed in the abdomen during his escape, but that doesn’t stop him from doing everything.  You'd think raking would cause internal bleeding. 

And still there’s more. He bakes pies! There’s a ten minute segment of this dud where we see him show Kate & son how to bake a pie. Ten minutes. I kid you not. Shots of him cutting peaches. The three of them kneading the dough. Every step is explained and demonstrated. The Food Network doesn’t spend that much time showing you how to bake a friggin’ pie.

I bet back at the prison the inmates were in an uproar because there would be no French apple pie to go along with their shit on a shingle.

As a friend pointed out, there’s zero suspense because Brolin is about as threatening as Mr. Rogers.

Trust me, January is usually the dumping ground for bad movies. If this clunker were any good – especially with decent names attached – it would have been released in November.

The film is oozing with schmaltz, waaaay too long, and as believable as KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE. A couple more of these and Jason Reitman will be directing episodes of HONEY BOO BOO.

Spare yourself. Better to take the money, go to Marie Calendar’s and buy a pie.