The best burger

Okay, I admit it. I love a good burger. I don’t smoke, do crack, drink Absinthe before noon, order waffles with whipped cream, munch on cereal that is frosted or contains marshmallows, or eat carnival food (which is deep-fried-anything-edible). I do eat vegetables, salads, some healthy fish, and Grape Nuts (that’s still good for you, right?).

But like J. Wellington Wimpy I enjoy a good burger now and again. My all-time favorite burger place, Cassell’s has closed (although they promise to re-open… actually, they promised to re-open a year ago – not a good sign). Bob’s Big Boy, once a chain, now still exists in Toluca Lake, and I’m still a sucker for their double-decker. Partly it’s nostalgia and partly because the location is across the street from the theater that will be staging my play, A OR B?


Burger preference is a very personal and emotional topic. Religion and politics pale. I’m sure a lot of you will weigh-in with your favorites and I’m holding my breath it doesn’t get ugly.

But recently Consumer Reports did a survey on fast-food burger chains. The winner? A California franchise called the Habit Burger Grill. I’ve had some. They’re very good. In N’ Out placed second. They’re kind of the gold standard for quality – cold tomatoes and other major features. Interestingly, of the 21 chains tested, McDonalds finished DEAD LAST.

They sell the most, but no one seems to really like them. And the other big franchises didn't fare much better. Second-to-last was Jack In The Box, and they finished just ahead of Burger King. I mean, when White Castle and Wendy’s whip your ass, what does that say? Even A & W scores higher and you have to be reeeeally hungry to order one of their burgers.

The clear message is that mass production results in mass rejection. Other categories surveyed were sandwiches & subs, chicken, and burritos. Subway finished second-to-last in sandwiches, KFC was voted the worst chicken, and to no one’s surprise – the worst burrito went to Taco Bell.

And here’s the thing: it wasn’t always that way (well, except for Taco Bell. That’s FEAR FACTOR cuisine wrapped in a tortilla). McDonalds used to be very tasty – we’re talking several lifetimes ago. Subway didn’t always put material in their bread that tire companies use to make rubber, and when Colonel Sanders was still alive, there was actually quality control officers who went from branch to branch to ensure the chicken was fresh, all eleven secret herbs and spices were prepared in the correct amount, and there was less grease in a bucket than in a 1967 Chevrolet Impala V-8 engine.

Fast food is obviously not great for you in the best of conditions. So if you’re going to indulge in a burger like me, or (God help you) a burrito – pick a good one. Don’t waste the calories and cholesterol on a Jumbo Jack for crissakes. Treat yourself to whatever you feel is the best. As for me? I might wander over to Five Guys.