"The Brady That Came To Dinner"
FADE IN:
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
ROB AND LAURA ENTER. ROB IS WEARING A NECK BRACE. LAURA HAS
A BIG BANDAGE ACROSS THE BRIDGE OF HER NOSE.
LAURA
Admit it, Rob. I look like a stork.
ROB
(COMFORTING) Aw honey, you do not.
(THEN) Storks are bent over more like -
-(HE CRANES FORWARD) Ow!
LAURA
You deserved that.
RITCHIE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN.
RITCHIE
Mommy and Daddy are home! (NOTICING
THEIR STATE) Eeeuw!
ROB
It’s okay, Ritch. We were just in a
little car accident.
LAURA
But we’re fine.
RITCHIE
Was it your fault?
LAURA
That’s really not important. What is
important is that everyone is okay.
RITCHIE
Was it your car or Daddy’s?
LAURA
Well, mine, but...
RITCHIE
Mommy caused an accident!
LAURA
Ritchie, why would you think that?
RITCHIE
Because when Daddy takes me to school
he always says the mommy drivers can’t
drive.
LAURA GLARES AT ROB.
ROB
(TO RITCHIE) And then Daddy says,
“except for your mommy.”
RITCHIE
When?
ROB
Laura, those women are Kamikaze
pilots.
MILLIE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN.
MILLIE
I gave Ritchie a snack and... Oh my
God! Were you in an accident?
LAURA
Yes.
MILLIE
Was it your fault?
LAURA
Why does everyone ask that?
MILLIE
What did you do?
LAURA
Nothing... someone cut me off.
MILLIE
So you were driving. I knew it.
LAURA
Hey, would everybody please give me a
break? I was just in the Emergency
Room. (THEN, TO RITCHIE) With a booboo.
That’s all it was. A tiny booboo.
Go play in your room, darling.
RITCHIE CROSSES OFF.
RITCHIE
“Women drivers are a menace.”
RITCHIE EXITS TO HIS ROOM. LAURA GLARES AT ROB.
ROB
The other daddies talk too.
MILLIE
Is the car a total wreck?
ROB
Well, it did take the brunt of it...
along with the light post... and the
police kiosk. But the good news is
they were right there to fill out the
report.
LAURA
Tell me the truth, Millie. Do I look
horrible?
MILLIE
What? No. You’re so pretty, Laura.
I’d still trade with you, even with
that big ugly bandage splattered on
your face.
LAURA
Oh God!
ROB
It’s not that bad, honey. A big hat,
a lot of make up... maybe sunglasses --
and no one will even notice.
LAURA
Swell.
MILLIE
Well, I can’t wait to go home and (OFF
LAURA’S LOOK) not tell anybody about
this.
LAURA
Please, Millie. This is embarrassing
and I don’t want the word to get out.
MILLIE
I can keep a secret.
ROB
That’s not entirely true. Last year
strangers in the market were asking
about my enlarged prostate.
MILLIE
Well, Laura never should have told me.
That’s a very private matter.
LAURA
The point is I would really appreciate
it if this time you would keep it to
yourself. Not that you wouldn’t, but
I know it’s hard for you... very
hard... “Breaking out of Alcatraz”
hard.
MILLIE
Don’t worry, Laura. I promise not to
say a word.
LAURA
Thank you.
MILLIE
But can I tell about Rob?
LAURA
No!
MILLIE
Okay. Fine. (GRUMBLING) I wish this
stupid accident never happened.
MILLIE EXITS.
ROB
You realize we should have just locked
her in the attic?
LAURA
Jerry’d come looking after about a
week.
ROB
I’m not so sure.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. OFFICE - DAY
BUDDY AND SALLY ARE THERE. ROB, STILL WEARING NECK BRACE,
ENTERS STIFFLY.
SALLY
Rob, what happened?
BUDDY
(A LA FRANKENSTEIN) It’s alive! It’s
alive!
ROB
Laura and I were in an accident. But
we’re both fine.
SALLY
Was it your fault?
ROB
Jeez, I wish I had a nickel for every
time someone asked me that.
BUDDY
Make it a dime. You’re going to need
‘em. Your insurance rates are going
to shoot through the roof.
ROB
It was not our fault.
BUDDY
My rates will go up just because I
know you. Thanks, Rob.
SALLY
Most of my dates wear those... except
for the ones who don’t have necks.
A CONCERNED MEL ENTERS TOTING A NEWSPAPER.
MEL
We’ve got a problem. Have you seen
the morning papers?
BUDDY
No, we need a little more light. Bend
over.
MEL
See how well I ignore? (TO BUDDY)
Pissant. (SHOWING THE PAPER) Alan’s on
the front page... with two strippers.
ROB
You’ve got to be kidding.
MEL
I wish I were.
SALLY
You sure they’re not just network
executives... with tassels?
BUDDY
This is why I never had kids. The
thought of paying child support when I
left Pickles for either one of these
girls...
ROB
Let me see. (TURNS HIS HEAD, THEN) Ow!
MEL
(NOTICING THE COLLAR) What happened to
your neck, Rob?
ROB
It wasn’t my fault!
ALAN BRADY STICKS HIS HEAD IN THE DOOR.
ALAN
Mel? You in here?
MEL
Yes, Alan. Come on in.
ALAN ENTERS AND CLOSES THE DOOR.
ALAN
What are you hiding for? I’m the one
who should be hiding. There’s fifteen
reporters in my office.
MEL
Want me to say something on your
behalf?
ALAN
I don’t like it when you speak
normally. No. I’ve got to lay low.
(LOOKS AROUND) This looks familiar.
MEL
It’s the writers’ office, Alan.
ALAN
(SNAPPING) I can see it’s the writers
office. There’s Buddy and Sally and
Rob.
ROB TURNS HIS HEAD.
ROB
Ow!
ALAN
Nice suit, Rob. (TO MEL) I have eyes.
HE DOESN’T NOTICE THAT ROB IS WEARING A NECK BRACE.
BUDDY
What happened last night, Alan? And
why wasn’t I invited?
ALAN
It was a funeral that got out of hand.
ROB
Excuse me, what? (CRANING HIS NECK)
Ow!
ALAN
(STILL NOT NOTICING ROB’S COLLAR) A
guy from the old neighborhood. After
the service we went back to his place
for a condolence call, which turned
into more of a wake. Never let
Rosenberg-Feldman Mortuary plan your
funeral. Things got out of control
shortly after the mourners’ kaddish.
SALLY
Well, at least their pasties were
black.
ALAN
I swear, you can’t be famous these
days. One lap dance with two girls
and right away you’re on the cover of
every morning rag.
MEL
They won’t even let you grieve in
peace.
ALAN
Shut up, Mel.
SALLY
How is your wife taking it?
ALAN
The good news is she’s on a safari in
Africa so hasn’t heard about it yet.
The bad news is she’s improving her
shot.
BUDDY
Maybe you’ll get lucky and she’ll have
an affair with one of those sweaty
native guides.
ALAN
Not with the kind of luck I’m having.
So I’m going to need a place to hide
for a night. Somewhere no one would
think to look for me.
BUDDY
How about a barbershop?
MEL
Y’see, Alan, that’s the kind of
insolence I have to put up with every
day.
ALAN
Shut up, Mel. It was funny. (THEN)
Without imposing and forget for the
moment that I hold your careers in my
hand, would any of you mind a house
guest for the night?
THEY ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER, HOPING SOMEONE WILL VOLUNTEER.
AFTER AN AWKWARD BEAT:
ALAN (CONT’D)
(TO MEL) Now you shut up?
MEL
You hate my kids.
ALAN
You can’t send them away for a couple
of nights? No, never mind. I hate
your house too.
SALLY
I live across the street of the Daily
News. Those nosy reporters look right
into my window.
MEL
Don’t you keep the shades down?
SALLY
Why?
ALAN
Thanks but no thanks.
BUDDY
You could stay with me but the place
spells like haggis. It knocks your
socks off.
ALAN
Your wife made haggis last night?
BUDDY
No. Six years ago.
ROB
Alan, I guess you could stay with us.
But I warn you, we have a kid.
ALAN
I love kids -- (RE MEL) just none that
look like him.
ROB
Well, then... okay. Welcome to the
Petrie Hilton.
DISSOLVE TO:
More tomorrow!
I think the prostate joke may have been a bit much, but overall very funny.
ReplyDeleteThe prostate joke didn't seem very 1965 but you nailed the voices and characters.
ReplyDeleteThe opening lines of Ken's script are a fine example of balancing "funny" with reality — y'know, like those people who go "that would never happen in real life". The patent for the cervical collar (even the rudimentary ones, like one the car-accident shyster on that episode of 'The Brady Bunch') wasn't filed until 1964. So therefore, nobody would even know what a "neck brace" was during the 'DVD Show' days. Back then, most ordinary home viewers would most likely think Dick was wearing a very unusual turtleneck.
ReplyDeleteMaybe if Dick was wearing some sort of horrible cast-iron "neck brace" thing someone came up with during the Civil War years, that would be even more funny.
Along with a prostate, would anyone during the early 1960s know what a kiosk is? Just being objective here.
ReplyDeleteWell the first two said what I was going to say. What they didn't say is that this is really funny stuff. A little light on what DVD has to do, but absolutely nailed the rhythm, the voice, and a sensibilities of the show. This could have been a better-than-average 4th season episode, no doubt.
ReplyDeleteMy two favorite lines: the safari line and the haggis line. And "Barbershop". And... oh hell, I enjoyed it all!
VO: Tonight ... on a very special episode of 'The Dick Van Dyke Show' ... Buddy actually does leave Pickles ...
ReplyDeleteMillie asks "Can I tell Rob?". Didn't you mean Jerry?
ReplyDeleteWhat others have said: the prostrate joke is anachronistic. I have no idea if "Lap dance" had the same connotations 50 years ago as it does now, but I suspect regardless you'd have a Standards and Practices argument. Actually the whole Stripper storyline would have been a war with S&P I can imagine!
ReplyDeleteI will be sorely disappointed if there isn't any dialog in the upcoming segments between Rob and Buddy about how hard it probably is to aim accurately at a toilet when you're wearing a neck brace and want to keep your manly dignity by not resorting to sitting down on the toilet instead.
ReplyDeleteROB
ReplyDeleteWell, then... okay. Welcome to the
Petrie Hilton.
ALAN
Will I have to tip your kid or anything?
That was a good line to end the scene! Sounded just like the character, Alan Brady.
DeleteThat was a great line to end the scene. It sounded like the character Alan Brady. Pretty funny!
DeleteBut... I have to say I think you really captured the characters and the cadences of how they spoke (the interaction between Rob and Laura and Millie in the opening scene was brilliant) and it otherwise feels like an episode of Dick Van Dyke. I'm really looking forward to seeing where it goes.
ReplyDeleteNext time do a Mary Tyler Moore show and get Jim Brooks and Allan Burns to comment on it!
One thing I've noticed in this exercise. I've seen it mentioned that one-liners don't make great comedy; situations do. But if you look at this script (or any other actual 'DVD Show' script, especially writer room scenes with Buddy & Sally), isn't it a big collection of one-liners?
ReplyDeleteHm.
I don't want to "note" you to death but get out of the 21st Century! People did not say "My God" in 1965 sitcoms. Buddy would not make a haggis joke in 1965. Pissant? And quit directing Laura to bend over and expose her thong!
ReplyDeleteSend me a grand,a pleasure reading for you!
Sorry, upon further thought, I probably should have qualified my comment a bit more. I probably should have should have said "a collection of snarky/comedic comebacks" instead of "one-liners". Those are two different things. Pretty much every sitcom lives and dies on the snappy comeback.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Oat; it needs to be 100% 1965.
ReplyDeleteKiosk stuck out to me, too.
ReplyDeleteProstate?
Pissant?
I've never before heard any reference to an attic in their house.
Most of America is probably unfamiliar with haggis.
Tassels? Black pasties? Lap dance?
I enjoyed the repartee in the office, but this does not feel like 1965 and the slant ruins the clean fun we normally enjoy.
Ken, I like this experiment and I liked Part 1.
ReplyDeleteGuys, why not enjoy the Free show and stop with the criticisms?
Yes, it appears that the jokes are modern rather than 1960s. So what?
Of course Ken probably does not want me defending him.
The last guy I defended on his blog was Bill Cosby...
Still Angry
Angry Gamer
Wonderful - like seeing a lost episode of my then-favorite show! As for the "spicier" jokes, I have the distinct feeling that Carl Reiner will let them stay in.
ReplyDeleteWaiting to hear Alan Brady's reaction when he finds Rob & Laura sleep in separate beds.
ReplyDeletePretty sure that kaddish would not have been mentioned back then, either.
ReplyDeleteXwordz
Great fun!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this, but what I realized afterward is that I enjoyed reading it not just because of the humor/jokes, but also--and especially--because I pictured the characters we know saying them--specifically, Dick Van Dyke, MTM, Morey Amsterdam, etc. I think if you gave this script to just a bunch of regular actors--or even most of today's sitcom actors/actresses--it just wouldn't work as well, no matter how valiantly they tried. What's funny about the opening scene is not just the writing, but how I can see DVD and MTM interacting--the facial looks, the timing, etc. This has made me realize how important casting and characters are to a sitcom--or any medium, for that matter. You have to have great writing, of course (and I think this effort is really impressive), but you have to have characters you know and care about and actors/actresses who can pull it off.
ReplyDeleteIt's not a 1960s DVD script. I like the setup, it's funny (loved the "barbershop" remark), and the characters all seem... in character. As long as you weren't trying to write the script for the 1960s era show, it's very good
ReplyDeleteA few seasons back there was a new team producing the TV comedy, Community. The characters, because the same actors inhabited their roles, seemed right, and the jokes seemed to be the same, but somehow, despite many episodes actually being funnier than the "real" Community, it just felt... off. The same here, unfortunately. Loads of real funny stuff and many of those dead on perfect to my ear, and I'd definitely love to see it done live, but somehow it felt off. Maybe it was all the references others have mentioned that flung it right into the 21st century but looking back, with our current sensibilities, at the 1960s.
ReplyDeleteBut it's the closest thing we'll get to a new Dick Van Dyke episode, so roll out acts two and three. -MW
Well done. Some people seem confused about the time period, since prostate jokes, and the word "pissant" would never have been allowed by the censors in the 1960s. Having said that, the entire idea of lousy women drivers IS from the 60s. So, you
ReplyDeletehave to choose an era and stick with it.
Otherwise, very high quality writing...to none's surprise.
Off topic but I wanted to tell you your girl Natalie is on TCM all day today. Enjoy! Janice B.
ReplyDeleteI have the distinct feeling that Carl Reiner will let them stay in.
ReplyDeleteCarl Reiner is 93 years old. Does he even know what year it is?
Wow, this is like being subjected to notes from ten thousand network executives. Yikes. Now you see what we deal with. We write a scene with an objective and it results in a twenty minute debate over a word.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous 1: I think Ken posted it here to see reactions, good and bad, not just to bask in the glow of sycophantic praise.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous 2: I feel a little like that - but most shows, by season 6 (which this would be), have become imitations of themselves rather than the original show. There's no shame there, especially since I think Ken *has* captured the characters' voices. I'm sure the anachronisms would have been taken out before shooting, but those are minor fixes: it's easy to replace "Oh, God" and "Oh, my God", and I agree the prostate joke is utterly not 1965 prime time, and talk about strippers and pasties...not going to happen. I also query the insurance rates comments: my recollection is that they didn't go up as promptly or as much back then. For me the lines that do clunk a bit are Sally's: I know (because I have revisited the show on DVD in recent years) that she talked way more about her dates and her longing for a man than I ever remembered, but it's not *all* she talked about; she was one of the boys at work, but the "pasties" joke seemed off for my image of her as a character, not just because it's an anachronism. Most of America was in love with Laura Petrie; I loved *Sally* because she was funny, smart, equal, and had a great job, so I may simply not *want* Sally to make that joke. I do think Alan is a little more polite here than he was on the show - wouldn't he have picked the house he wanted and informed its owner?
More interesting, though, is to talk about the story, which does seem solid enough. It feels to me like we might be heading for THE MAN WHO CAME TO DINNER territory here (not least because I know how much Ken admires George S. Kaufman), but of course it all has to be wrapped up in half an hour.
wg
For the record, DVD did get mixed up with some strippers. But the setting was an old-fashioned burlesque house and the girls had gimmicky costumes and names like Alberta Schwitzer. It was less suggestive than, say, Laura revealing she was underage when they married.
ReplyDeleteAs far as Jewish references, one episode centered on Buddy studying in secret for his long-overdue bar mitzvah.
Critics. None of whom could write something as funny. I applaud the bravery to post this knowing that everyone feels the are an empowered critic thanks to the Internet. I took it as writing in the style of the show but an episode that could air today. And for that, a complete success. Well done. No notes.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think maybe you should do a spec for "My Mother, the Car." For years, ever since I first heard the joke on "The Mary Tyler Moore Show," I've been dying to see what fun WOULD begin when "Mother" undergoes a lube job.
ReplyDeletethe thing that impressed me about this first offering is how easily i put the actors i'm so familiar with into the reading. you nailed "the voice."
ReplyDeleteVery funny and the rhythms were right. I agree that prostate needs to be replaced with another body part and pissant needs to be deleted. I doubt they had lap dances back then, too.
ReplyDeleteWhat I appreciate is that by the end of this part, two major plot points have been clearly established: the Petries have been injured in a car accident, and Alan is coming to their house to hide out, and yet I cannot predict how these two events will come together in the next part.
ReplyDeleteGreat Part 1. Everyone chill out with the notes!
ReplyDeleteFake Hamid needs to take his meds and get back to his ALF boxset signed by Max Wright.
Does anybody actually say "brunt" in everyday conversation? To me, it's one of those words that people occasionally write, but sound awkward when spoken informally.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, perfect.
Just scrolling through and noting the mostly short lines of dialog is like taking a course in writing. This script sounds like a radio guy wrote it - it definitely has a radio rhythm. Dick Van Dyke show is still one of my all time favorites, and, unlike many of the commentators here, I started watching the show when it first came on. My parents, who hated most television, loved the show
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete"Love every line of it, but do the Petries have to be in a car accident? And can we lose the stripper angle? Otherwise, don't touch a thing." Studio exec.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who is still writing spec scripts frequently, I really like how you're serving the actors. A little physical comedy for DVD. Some great opportunities for terrific reaction shots for MTM. One-liners for Morey Amsterdam. I love Sally as a character so I'm hoping to see a bit more from her later on.
ReplyDeleteWhen I write specs, I try to keep an eye out for where I deviate from the shows established formula, so I think the question of whether the jokes are era appropriate is something to consider. Also, I'm by no means an expert, but did Alan Brady ever come in to the writers room in the show? I actually really like that part because even if he did in the original show it must have been rare, so rare that you have a joke opportunity.
I've often thought about doing a spec for a show that's off the air, but thought I'd be wasting time. I feel like I could do a bang-up job on a Barney Miller script.
One joke felt to me as though it violated established character: Buddy's crack about no one expecting to find Alan Brady in a barber shop. Buddy made those kind of comments about Mel Cooley all the time, but I don't remember him ever insulting Alan Brady while Alan was present.
ReplyDeleteBuddy said horrible things about Alan Brady when Brady wasn't there, but I recall him as being more cautious when Alan could hear him.
Really looked forward to this, but I'm very disappointed. This is probably how a real writer's staff would talk, but not on 1965 TV. Sorry to argue over words, but what's been mentioned above is very true (and the line about Alan's wife and the sweaty black Africans???). It's almost like you're trying to spoof us rather than really trying to write 1965 humor.
ReplyDeleteI agree that terms like "lap dance" and some others keep it from feeling like the '60s. Otherwise, very funny.
ReplyDeleteAs much as I truly enjoyed this, I felt sure you'd give a birth date salute to the most beautiful woman to ever walk the planet! :)
ReplyDeleteAs much as I truly enjoyed this, I felt sure you'd give a birth date salute to the most beautiful woman to ever walk the planet! :)
ReplyDeleteAs much as I truly enjoyed this, I felt sure you'd give a birth date salute to the most beautiful woman to ever walk the planet! :)
ReplyDeleteFriday question:
ReplyDeleteYou're not going to believe me, but I came here to ask 'What was the last spec you ever wrote?'
By the time 1965 standards and practices get done with this you will have a very funny three minute script to build on.
ReplyDeleteKen, I remember a long time ago you wrote that in a script, EVERY line of dialogue has to serve some sort of purpose. If it doesn't, it's just fluff and needs to be taken out. Since I read that, I sometimes like to watch an episode of a show with that in mind, and try and figure out the purpose of the lines and what they tell me -- do they develop plot, character, etc, or are they just there to fill space?
ReplyDeleteAnyway, reading through this script with that in mind I can say that, to my VERY untrained eye, you nailed that aspect.
Ken, I remember a long time ago you wrote that in a script, EVERY line of dialogue has to serve some sort of purpose. If it doesn't, it's just fluff and needs to be taken out. Since I read that, I sometimes like to watch an episode of a show with that in mind, and try and figure out the purpose of the lines and what they tell me -- do they develop plot, character, etc, or are they just there to fill space?
ReplyDeleteAnyway, reading through this script with that in mind I can say that, to my VERY untrained eye, you nailed that aspect.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteI confess, I'll be especially curious to see what Persky and (I hope) Reiner think. I know what the commenters mean about the use of certain words, but I also wonder--this could even be a Friday question--if you ever put stuff into a script figuring it will be taken out, but it gives you a negotiating position with the humorless folks from standards & practices.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, this is as close as we are going to get to a new script for this show, and what's most important to me is that Ken nailed the characters, although I wonder whether Laura would have made the snarky comment about Jerry and Millie.
Great rhythm- very true to the original, and I can't wait to see what happens next, and how the show plays out.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the comments about prostate, haggis, and lapdance. Also, I don't get the line when Alan says to Mel :I don't like it when you speak normally. That doens't have the right ring to it.
tt
Overall, a fun read and easy to immediately immerse yourself in the DVD Show all over again. A great choice of shows to start this experiment. But a few things took me out of the moment that other commenters already wrote about (strippers, pissant). Also, while the woman driver issue has been around forever (Marcia versus Greg Brady, anyone?) would such a comment by DVD about women drivers actually be said? I think we would still care about which one was driving in the accident without DVD's feeling about women drivers. Perhaps the scene could have established that Laura had scored 100% on the driving test while DVD needed 2 times to pass and in the past she has gloated about it yet she was the one in the accident? In my imaginary re-write, in Scene 1 I'd have Rob and Laura in the accident, Laura (Ms. 100%) is driving but Laura swears it was because she was cut off by a fancy red Cadillac but Rob had his turned around trying to get something out the back seat so he did not see it. And the reason the tabloids are after Alan Brady is because he recently had his driver's license suspended for too many parking tickets yet someone claims they saw him driving just last night, and Buddy says... "Oh, I bet you were out joy riding in that fancy Cadillac you just got. I told you people would notice you more in a red car." And now Alan needs a place to hide from the tabloids and he ends up at Rob and Laura's house. How it turns out is Scene 3...
ReplyDeleteWow, very good! I'd rather watch this episode than that awful reunion special the cast did several years ago.
ReplyDeleteKen, this is great! It's the next best thing to finding a lost episode. The one downside is, this gets me to thinking that maybe the DVD Show could have gone on for a few more seasons, without the quality dropping off. Almost 50 years later, I'm still mad at Carl Reiner for ending the show when he did -- and this sure isn't helping matters!
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to give you the network exec treatment and pick apart your script. Looking forward to reading all of it. I am genuinely confused, though, Ken. Is this supposed to be taking place now or in the early '60s? I assumed it was supposed to be during the time the original series aired, but some of the jokes and references seem much more 2010s than 1960s, so I wasn't clear.
ReplyDeleteLet me guess where it's going.
ReplyDeleteAlan wants to duck reporters by staying with Rob and Laura.
But Alan is a bad house guest, making demands like Kaufman and Hart's Man Who Came to Dinner.
Rob and Laura want some privacy to talk so they step out on the front lawn.
But a tabloid reporter who tailed Alan snap photos of injured Rob and Laura.
Reporter thinks Alan caused their injuries. He wants to paint a picture of Alan as more abusive than Alec Baldwin on the phone with his daughter.
Rob claims that Alan is the perfect boss and house guest.
But the reporter doesn't believe him.
So Laura tearfully accepts the blame as woman driver,
which causes Rob to defend her.
When it looks the darkest, the truth comes out because Millie blabbed everything.
I agree with your commentors about the few un-Dick Van Dyke Show remarks. Please don't compare us to the suits. You may have a few writers or future writers in here but a lot of us just enjoy TV and good writing.
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion you have certainly captured the rhythm of the show's dialogue and your characters sound like themselves (especially Millie). just lose the modern 'snark' and weird words. I don't think it's a time period problem per se, just that you gotta keep with the 'niceness.
Anyhoo, great job and thanks for sharing.
Aloha
You guys do realize that I don't intend to rewrite a word of this? The point is to see what the actual writers of THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW think. I promise to disclose all of their notes, the things they liked and didn't. But do understand, I wrote it seeking THEIR feedback. They can provide me (and you readers) with an insider's view that is rare and invaluable.
ReplyDeleteI've been doing this a long time and I learned a lot from my conversation with Bill Persky. I invite you to chill, enjoy the exercise, collect your own thoughts, and see what the insiders have to say. See how your comments jibed with theirs.
How special that we're all afforded a first hand look into the process of writing one of the true classic sitcoms in television history. That's what I'm focusing on; not whether a censor would let me say the word prostate.
Have fun with this, people.
WOW!! I could hear all the characters delivering these lines in my head while I was reading the dialogue - especially Buddy and Alan (a treat to have him in the episode and he had some killer lines). The minor stuff pointed out doesn't take away from the high quality of the script. I can see another Ken Levine theater event next year after you've finishing writing scripts for three other of your favorite sitcoms (maybe MASH, CHEERS and FRASIER)? This time, bring it East - please.
ReplyDeleteSorry I missed the Natalie Wood marathon today on TCM. :(
I predict the episode will end with a hug
ReplyDeleteand Laura wiping away a tear as she cries "Oh, Rob!"
What? Refusing rewrites! Why you rassafrassum.
ReplyDeleteIn terms of the exercise, I think this first installment does show how you captured the essentials of the show -- its rhythms, the characters basic worldviews.(Buddy and Sally would almost always speak in comedic responses, maybe just to keep those comedy writing muscles toned.) And that has to be one of the huge challenges of a spec script.
As I read this, I could visualize the qctors' expressions and postures, even the camera shots. A tribute also to how well that show established its visual and comedic identity. And, yes, I visualized it in black and white!
"Actors" not "qctors". Damn tablet keyboard.
ReplyDeleteBTW, extra thanks for this. It was a crap afternoon at work, and the script made me laugh.
Well, hell, Ken, if we can't nitpick and criticize, what's supposed to be fun about this for us?
ReplyDeleteWhat? You refuse to change a word of it? You're fired!!!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad someone else didn't like the "official" new DVD episode a few years ago. It was terrible from the first scene onward.
ReplyDeleteOkay, NOW I'm curious (and I'm not at all in the biz).
ReplyDeleteYou always say you need to have in your portfolio spec scripts. Could any professional writer actually get away with submitting a package of specs for HAPPY DAYS, THE BRADY BUNCH and NIGHT COURT (and maybe even THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW) as proof of their ability to write (a) funny stuff (b) in radically different voices and styles? Of course, they would have to submit a BIG BANG too. But would it work? Or would it be laughed off?
@Ken Levine: I think pretty much everyone I've seen comment actually is chilling. But still, when you throw a party, you can't account for everyone waling thru the door. I haven't seen anything untoward or mean or even off base so far. Observations, yeah, but nothing sorely critical.
ReplyDeleteBut even so and in the end, *you're* the guy who has made a fine living doing it. The rest of us, well, we don't even fuckin' teach. Just read all the comments in the voice of some Borsch Belt-skit Jewish mother who has something to say but still loves ya anyway and everything's all hunky dory :) Just my take on it.
I went from watching an episode of DVD to reading this, and as others have commented, could visualize the scenes and the characters saying these lines. I found the idea of Alan Brady's wife on a safari to be particularly funny. Looking forward to the next installment and to feedback from DVD writers.
ReplyDelete@RockGolf: Even better, Alan's reaction when Rob & Laura have to sleep in the same bed because he's taking up one of theirs — in the bedroom.
ReplyDeleteNow THAT would be a pickle for a 1964 DVD script, wouldn't it? And this whole thing, all these comments so far today, solidly demonstrates the value of a writer's room.
What with all the notes about pasties and lap dances and such, maybe the reporters could've gotten on Alan Brady's case about his wife going on safari and shooting defenseless animals. It would've been groundbreaking then. PETA 30 years before PETA.
ReplyDeleteOr hm, maybe even something unusual with a clown instead of a lap dance. It would've applied in 1964 same as today.
Man, the imagined possibilities get funnier as the day goes on :)
@Ken Levin said:
ReplyDelete>> That's what I'm focusing on; not whether a censor would let me say the word prostate. <<
True, and I'm pretty sure most of us know that's what you're focusing on, that's that's what everyone's interested in reading. By far, your blog has given valuable advice you just can't fucking buy anywhere else, and you've been doing it for free for 10 years. You are truly a true mentor.
But still OTOH, aren't the "note" points made still valid. Maybe it's because you didn't really state whether your script is if you were actually a writer on DVD in 1963, or someone present-day writing a script going back in time. Maybe that's the whole thing.
Me, I'm appreciating that you're actually even doing this. For fucking free. But still, do you think any less of us for poking your dog with a stick a little bit because, well, isn't that what kinda-funny smart-ass people end up doing anyway?
Imagine the notes you'd get from us folk if you were a TV drama writer. Oy.
This is what Ken wrote on his blog yesterday: "I’ve written a spec DICK VAN DYKE SHOW. Wrote it as if it were 1965." I think that's why we were all a little surprised.
ReplyDeleteWowser! You REALLY did nail it...Just like I was watching back on the Big Eye in the 60's...Can't wait to get back to the story after our commercial break...
ReplyDeleteLet's see...Kent (with the Micronite filter - that had JUST a hint of blue asbestos), Tang (in honor of Moon landing anniversary this week), and some yummy Post cereals (because Kellogg's had way too many spots back then)...Then a quick news promo to have us watch it at eleven when we ask, "Do YOU know where YOUR children are?") and then BAM! We're back with the tale...
Great job, Ken...
@John G: Thankyouverymuch. Exactly what I was thinking like 12 hours ago and reading the comments afterward, and most likely hence the strife and agitation. OTOH, I'm pretty sure most reasonable people know things are often written on the fly and sometimes you're not as exact as you probably would be if you had like 3 days to proof every sentence. I'm pretty convinced that most everything being said here has been said in good nature, tho.
ReplyDeleteLighten up Francis
ReplyDeleteAloha
@Artie Breyfogle: That would be awesome too, even tho Tang didn't come around until the 1970s. But that would still be neat. And there could even be a duel between Kent's micronite filer and Tereyton's charcoal filter. Still, a fine LSMFT evening to you, sir :)
ReplyDeleteLoving everything about this post today. I took a nap today and wrote the ending in my head. Anxious for the next few days. Thanks Ken. I love this stuff.
ReplyDeleteMel Cooley jokes fifty years later! So fun!
ReplyDelete@Scotty:Tang was definitely sold in the 1960's. I know. I was there.
ReplyDeleteKen, I have a question for Bill Persky, if he happens to be taking them, or you want to bother to ask. I've seen commercials from THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW which feature the cast of the show plugging Joy Dishwashing Liquid or Kent Cigarettes or whoever the sponsor happened to be that week. Did the staff writers come up with these or have any input into them, or was the ad agency responsible for them?
ReplyDeleteI've seen cast commercials from other shows, too, and what strikes me about them is how often they play into the specific episode in which they aired. Referencing specific things that happened in that episode.
According to Wikipedia, which is never wrong, Tang was first marketed in 1957, but didn't really take off, sales-wise, until its association with the space program began.
Ken-
ReplyDeleteAny chance you could also send this to Garry Marshall for his feedback? While he was never a producer on The Dick Van Dyke Show (like Carl and Bill), the scripts he wrote with Jerry Belson are some of the series' best episodes, and he certainly has showrunner cred.
Can't wait to read more of the script and to see what Bill and hopefully Carl have to say.
1) i never remember Buddy getting off less then a fast 2 or 3 shots at Mel as soon as he appeared. A single shot seems fame ror him
ReplyDelete2) Milly blabs, Crowd gathers
brady has Rob imatite him to distract the crowd while Brady sneaks out the back.
of course this means that neck brace goes to brady and Rob has physical comedy of trying to smile through his part while in extreme discomfort /pain.
Give Dick Van Dyke scene for physical humor.
@thomas tucker: I stand corrected Thank you. But here ya go nonetheless:
ReplyDelete"Tang sucks." — Buzz Aldrin
http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2013/06/13/191271824/now-he-tells-us-tang-sucks-says-apollo-11s-buzz-aldrin
@Karl: Here you go. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x5202p_dick-van-dyke-show_shortfilms
ReplyDeleteThat was a fun read, Ken. I could really see/hear the cast deliver those lines. Looking forward to more.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't tell from the script. Will fashions in upcoming segments be provided by Mr. Mort as well?
ReplyDeleteSettle down. I'm KIDDING!!
Great job. I'd really be unable to say if all was funny funny without the actors working it.
ReplyDeleteI would say this hits a lot of the tone and pace, but there are jarring mis-matches when you go to references that are too detailed. For example:
-- Prostate is not of the moment nor would it be mentioned. I think the most they ever mentioned was appendix and tooth and pregnancy. If they sleep in separate beds they aren't going to feel free to mention prostate.
-- "Breaking out of Alcatraz" though time-wise right, is also too detailed a reference.
-- the mourners kaddish - again it's Alan talking to his writing staff, only Buddy is Jewish, I don't think he would say that. Carl Reiner / Alan Brady played like a cosmopolitan who wanted to assimilate more.
-- Haggis - is that really so well understood people will make a joke from it?
I also agree with the commenter who said Buddy needs a few attempts on Mel, it's got to feel like a bothersome fly Mel wants to swat away.
Nice way of introducing the characters through their home life and their dwelling, particularly Sally.
I think you've absolutely nailed the voice. Most important, I could see them all in my head, and I laughed. A lot.
ReplyDeleteI may have to sue you for making me snort my morning coffee out of my nose Mr. Levine. Seriously though Ken you really nailed it. The timing and the voices were perfect. My God how I loved this show. Looking forward to tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteTone and voice are dead on. The characters are spot on. A couple of small, easy to remedy things dinged me, tho: enlarged prostate (would the censors be okay with that back in 1966?); Lap Dance (not something that was a thing until the 1970's - again Standards & Practices would have had a fit if it was), and I'm not sure the neckbrace was around yet, but I'm not sure if being a few years off there matter. Even Mad Men had anachronisms - though mostly with music insted of props.
ReplyDeleteThe storylines are strong and the sexist joke about women drivers his on the money for that era. Loving this!
I agree with language issues. I think in the 60's there was a lot of implied references to risque things. I think it would have gone more like:
ReplyDeleteMEL
We've got a problem. Alan is on the front page with two dancers.
BUDDY
Dancers? So what?
MEL
You know, dancers.
BUDDY
Dancers?
SALLY
Buddy, DANCERS!
BUDDY
Oh like with tassels, dancers.
MEL
Yes those dancers.
BUDDY
Well at least he was standing.
MEL
Well not the whole time.
ROB
I gotta sit down.
BUDDY
Rob, that's how Alan got in trouble.
Okay look, the "Buddy" joke re: .....where nobody will find me"/ "How about the barbershop" was worth Ken writing this. It made me laugh, I could see Buddy saying it, I could see it all happening in the "office" and for that thank you Ken.
ReplyDeleteHi Ken,
ReplyDeleteI normally don't go back and read the comments after my comment, but I did today (7/26/15) after today's post and found your frustration posted repeatedly in the comments of the bulk of your readers. I'm afraid that as much as they do resemble network notes, you did open yourself up for that by posting it on a blog where you invite comments. Most people here may be aspiring TV writers or just fans of yours, but almost none of those people have any professional experience on what story notes from other writers/producers focus on or care about. A layman's view will focus not on tone or voice or story, it will most likely focus on whether Buddy tells one joke or three normally, if Alan can get a car delivered before 8am and the possibility of getting a Manhattanite to write in Westchester. If you didn't want notes from the crowd, perhaps it could have been mentioned on day one. Regardless, don't judge your faithful readers too harshly for giving their two cents. There is nothing people love more than to be heard.
But if this is the kind of stuff you get from network execs - there is no excuse for that! Yeesh!
This is brilliant. I love how you (inevitably, given your experience) have everyone's voice down. One question: Could you say prostate in 1965?
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you are going to read this, but regardless, I do hope you have continued to work on it. Better still, I hope you completed it. And now your sandwich.
ReplyDeleteThe Good:
I agree with the many others who said you nailed the voices, the pacing, and most or all of those tangibles and intangibles which make the show so great. Seriously, well done. Unless you stopped working on it, then you are so many bad things, and none of them worthy of being discussed here.
The less good: The prostrate joke didn't work for me either and sort of spoiled the illusion that I am watching fiction.
A big problem; maybe: Depending on how religious you want to be about staying true to the spirit and/or the vision of the DVD Show, and if you that is important to you, then I would argue that you broke Mr. Reiners rule about writing with a vocabulary and about themes which would not date the show. The whole scene where he jokes about the two strippers just seems wrong for a couple of different reasons in my mind.