My 2015 Emmy Review

Time for my annual snarky Emmycast review.

Last night’s show was not as bad as the year the five reality hosts presided over the Emmys (asking Heidi Klum to do comedy is like asking your dog to program your DVR), but it wasn’t as good as the SAG strike year when local KNBC news anchor Kelly Lange emceed the show.

I like Andy Samberg but thought his monologue was painful. After every horrifying feces, Bill Cosby, and Kim Davis joke they’d cut to someone in the audience totally bewildered. Why Andy Samberg? Because the Emmys were on Fox. That’s the biggest star on the network? No, but Harold Reynolds was busy.

Samberg began with a clichéd song-and-dance routine that only made us long for Neil Patrick Harris or the cruise director from Carnival.

For me, the only truly moving moments of the evening were the appearance of Tracy Morgan and Kerry Washington’s metal mesh dress. (which she cleans by going through a car wash)

GAME OF THRONES won Best Drama. Clearly, the Academy is tired of honoring Matthew Weiner.

He was certainly snubbed. Even when Jon Hamm finally won for Best Actor Other Than Bryan Cranston, he did not thank Weiner. Instead he thanked anyone who gave him a home cooked meal.

Happy that VEEP won for several reasons. First of all it’s an actual comedy. TRANSPARENT is a lovely show but it is not a comedy. Nor is it even that original. ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT did the exact same storyline last season with the exact same star. And it was funny.

And if the Academy was going to give the Best Comedy award to a family show I would have picked THE MIDDLE. Or FRESH OFF THE BOAT. Or BLACKISH.

For the most part I was pleased with the results. No one I hate won. Viola Davis gave a moving speech (and I love how fellow nominee and next year’s winner Taraji P. Henson gave her a standing O), Julia Louis-Dreyfus is a comedy goddess, and the Academy loves Allison Janney so much they give her Emmys even knowing she’ll thank Chuck Lorre.

Jeffrey Tambor was a lock. He was great in TRANSPARENT and this might have been a make-good for not giving it to him for playing the same role on ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT.

Before the show, I always catch the KTLA Red Carpet show hosted by fawning floormat Sam Rubin and rocket scientist, Jessica Holmes. Holmes is eleven months pregnant (“who are you bearing?”), but considering how shocked she always is at anything any celebrity says, I’m guessing she just found out about her pregnancy last Friday.

She opened the broadcast by saying: “The stars are getting here early, which is really interesting because you never know!”  Two seconds in and already I'm laughing.

The big red carpet story was the heat. The stars had to walk from their air conditioned limos, under a shaded canopy, to an air conditioned auditorium. Based on Sam & Jessica’s concern, you’d think Edie Falco had just crossed the Sahara.

Jessica mentioned to DOWNTON ABBEY creator, Julian Fellowes that Queen Elizabeth liked to pick out inaccuracies in his show. He hadn’t heard that. Jessica said it was in PEOPLE magazine, to which Mr. Fellows responded: “Oh, wellllll.”

Sam was interviewing Ariel Winter and Anthony Anderson. He said to Ariel (who is 17) “You’ve been through this a million times. Tell Anthony (who’s had a 20 year career) how to deal with it.”

Sam asked Alan Cumming to handicap his nomination. Cumming said, “I think Jonathan Banks is going to win, don’t you?” Sam responded: “He’s terrific in that show.” Way to make the guest feel good.

And finally, MAD MEN’S Kiernan Shipka said she was six when the show began and now she’s sixteen. Mother-to-be Jessica wisely stated, “There’s a lot of growing in those years.” Please write a book on parenting, Jessica.

Meanwhile, Fox’s red carpet show was hosted by football analyst, Terry Bradshaw (the network’s second biggest star). Sorry I missed that. I bet his question to every actor was, “Who are you again?”

Hollywood cares. It’s always championing some worthy humanitarian cause. They do this by wearing ribbons at award shows. This year, lots of stars were wearing green ribbons. These were in support of Jill Soloway negotiating a better overall deal.

The set looked like the casino of Circus Circus only not as tasteful.

Lea DeLaria came dressed as Drew Carey.

Who better than Lady Gaga to present a Best Actor award?

How come EMPIRE wasn’t nominated for Best Drama? Oh, that’s right. People actually WATCH it.

Did you notice the winning writers for VEEP were all middle-aged? Enjoy your Emmys, fellas. You’ll never get another job.

Congrats to Regina King. I thought Sarah Paulson was going to win but I think her two heads canceled each other out.

Emma Roberts wore a white dress that had more color than her skin.

“In Memoriam” gets tougher for me every year as more and more of my peers and friends pass. This year my mentor, Gary Owens, friend Taylor Negron, and dear friend and colleague Sam Simon were among the many who left us too soon.

I thought there would be more of a tribute to David Letterman. He got lumped into the “Not Returning Shows” montage (“In Memoriam 2”) and received as much airtime as COUGAR TOWN. And somehow they omitted 19 KIDS AND COUNTING.

The key word this year was “genius.” Everybody was a “genius.” With all these “geniuses” how come shows now get a 1 share? 

Seeing Jon Stewart, I miss him all over again. Oh, how I wish it was Ricky Gervais and not Jon Stewart who said, “You’ll never see me again.”

Wouldn’t you love just once to see an actor fire his agent during his acceptance speech? “You told me OLIVE KITTRIDGE was a piece of crap. I should take BAD JUDGE. Thank God I didn’t listen to you.”

Sophie Turner wore a blue top and black slacks, perfect for formal occasions or selling cars at Jim Falk Lexus.

My daughter’s writing partner, Jonathan Emerson tossed in some observations. He noted that ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK is the first series to lose as Best Comedy and Best Drama.

Amy Schumer is in. Louis C.K. is out. Lena Dunham is a trivia answer.

Claire Danes came as the Phantom. 

Amy Schumer looked like a fullback. Hopefully it was just the dress.

How upset do you think Jane Fonda was when co-star Lily Tomlin lost?

So Alex Trebek sits down after a hard day to relax and watch the Emmy Awards, and BAM! Out of nowhere John Oliver takes gratuitous shots at him. Don’t be surprised if one of Monday’s JEOPARDY categories is “Smug British Talk Show Hosts Who Can Kiss My Ass.”

But Alex couldn’t have been any more uncomfortable than I was suffering through those lame bits like Tatiana Maslany eating beans on the red carpet, Lorne Michaels getting a “World’s Best Boss” mug, and Samberg’s MAD MEN parody.  It all felt like filler.  This is the level of comedy you find in prison skits.

The only winner who swore and had to be bleeped was a writer. Thanks GAME OF THRONES guy. You represent us all so well.

Zoe Kazan looked like a melted candy cane.

Actors often give afterthought tributes to their fellow nominees. But Peter Dinklage is the first to insult most of them. He acknowledged “Jonathan Banks… and the rest.” Nice.

Glad to see Mel Brooks got a standing ovation. Jon Emerson wondered how many in the audience pretended to know who he is? Since he was presenting one of the major awards of the night, I wondered why Lady Gaga didn’t have the honor?

Congratulations to all the winners. Your screeners had the biggest effect.

And finally -- aren’t the Emmys supposed to be classy? Isn’t this a night to celebrate excellence in television? To showcase those individuals and shows that rise above the fray and make the industry proud? Instead, we have the Emmy host doing a motorboarding joke on a replica of the statuette itself. Yeah, we’re all “geniuses” in television.