BEAUTY AND THE BEAST -- My review

Saw Disney’s BEAUTY AND THE BEAST this weekend, based on the Disney animated version that didn’t need to be remade except for all the money it’ll make for Disney. There’s also a live Broadway musical. I fully expect a performance of that to be filmed and released as yet another version of Disney’s BEAUTY AND THE BEAST. Oh, and six other Disney animated films are in the process of being developed for films. Can BEAUTY AND THE BEAST casinos and airport bars be far behind? I can’t believe there are no BEAUTY AND THE BEAST puppet shows, Cirque du Soleil underwater extravaganzas, or skydiving versions for Nebraska air shows.

The current live-action version is exactly what you think it is. Extremely well done, very lavish, minute attention to detail, and a remake that’s as old as time. If there wasn’t the animated version this reboot might be considered dazzling. And again, Disney knows how to do it right. This is way better than the live versions of non-Disney cartoons like INSPECTOR GADGET or RICHIE RICH or ROCKY & BULLWINKLE (although Piper Perabo was robbed at Oscar time with that one).

But if you have seen the animated BEAUTY AND THE BEAST and you’re not nine, you probably will find yourself checking your watch an hour in. They added new story beats that frankly all felt like padding. There’s no reason the movie should be 129 minutes.

This is me watching this movie: It begins – I’m impressed with the sets (although it's the France where no one speaks French), the opening number is colorful and faithful to the original (and by original I mean the cartoon), and Emma Watson can sing (as opposed to another Emma who Warren Beatty thought won the Best Picture Oscar).

The story unfolds. I’m wondering: was the Beast’s long neglected castle based on the original or Hugh Hefner’s Playboy Mansion? Kevin Kline plays Belle’s father and I’m thinking: Since when did he become a Billy Connolly impersonator?

The animated Belle was very two-dimensional and Emma Watson captured both dimensions. She’s plucky, she’s adorable, and Anne Hathaway is too old. Thank God there isn’t an HBO version starring Lena Dunham.

Now I’m trying to decide whether I like the Beast’s make up.  He's modeled after the original. He’s hardly repulsive to look at. Disney could have saved a lot of money in make up if they had just hired Steve Buscemi. But then I figure: the Beast can’t be too scary or he’ll scare the shit out of millions of tykes (translation: millions of dollars). So he’s a Wookiee with two rams’ horns.

Belle becomes a prisoner in the castle. If you’re yelling “Spoiler Alert,” come on, the cartoon version has been out for 26 years. At this point I’m thinking two things: The talking inanimate objects just look very CGI (they weren’t magical; they were digital), and when are they going back to a Gaston scene?

Luke Evans as Gaston steals the movie for me. My only problem is that he looks 45 and Belle looks 15.  We're getting into Woody Allen country here. But he’s hilarious as is his sidekick played by Josh Gad. I was impressed with Josh Gad. He always plays the nerdish bumbling sidekick, but in this film he really stretches. Yes, he plays a nerdish bumbling sidekick but with straight hair.

I’m also starting to check my watch. The movie's getting long. And with every new detour to added filler material I’m thinking: “Shit, we still have the ballroom dance and Belle-sees-the-library scenes to go.”

The saving grace are the songs. I love those songs (not particularly the new ones -- inserted only to snag a Best Original Song Oscar) and unlike LA LA LAND, each one is gorgeously sung. The visuals and choreography also do justice to every note. Director Bill Condon knows how to stage a production number.

The last act is very stirring and well done. HOME ALONE with the CGI clocks and candlesticks. And I was charmed when the Beast finally turned into handsome Dan Stevens (although I would have been more charmed if it were twenty minutes earlier) but kept thinking: He sure traded up from Lady Mary. (Note: That was a DOWNTON ABBEY reference.)

I also keep waiting throughout for the infamous gay character that has some foreign countries all in a tither. Turns out it’s one great joke. Really? THAT’S the big controversy? Disney has an obligation to be absolutely PC and uphold Red State family values? This is the company that gave us SONG OF THE SOUTH and the Big Bad Wolf originally disguising himself as a Hasidic Jew to fool the Three Little Pigs. More gay jokes please. Grow up Malaysia!

Worse to me is that in the animated version Gaston used a bow and arrow. Here he fires a rifle.

There are those who argue that the Gaston/LeFou relationship has a gay undercurrent but God knows what Captain Hook made Smee do in the Jolly Roger.

All of talking appliances were voiced by A or B-list actors. Ewan McGregor, Ian McKellen, Emma Thompson (if you’re an actress named Emma you sang in a movie this year), Stanley Tucci, and Audra McDonald. Until the end you just heard their voices. They didn’t make Ian McKellen scrunch down into a clock costume.

The most interesting thing about this BEAUTY AND THE BEAST is that it made me want to revisit the animated version. So Disney makes another dollar. "Mission accomplished," Bob Iger is saying.