'Cause you asked for it...

Okay, here it is in print -- my Oscar review (for those who even remember all the way back to Sunday).  Thank you for responding and subscribing.   I've got some cool things planned for the podcast and other cool things planned for the blog.   Anyway, if you would still like to listen to the review just go here.  Thanks much.  Enjoy the snark. 

In a year of alternate facts, congratulations to LA LA LAND for winning the Best Picture Oscar. HOLY CRAP!! Maybe the greatest clusterfuck ending an Oscarcast will ever have. They’ll be talking about this one for years. Now I wonder if I really won that Emmy.

My question is, if Jordan Horowitz, that LA LA LAND producer didn’t so graciously announce that MOONLIGHT had won and they just got off the stage and the show ended, what would have happened?

Now you wonder if MANCHESTER BY THE SEA didn’t actually win. Or DEADPOOL.

Donald Trump has to be so pissed. People are not talking about HIM.

I fully expect him to tweet: “Congratulations to the Best Picture winner: TRIUMPH OF THE WILL.”

I’m still not certain what happened. From what I understand Price Waterhouse has two envelopes for every winner. So when they handed the envelope to Beatty & Dunaway that was for Emma Stone for Best Actress rather than the envelope for Best Picture. That’s why Beatty sputtered and was confused wondering what was going on. But Dunaway could have read the Emma Stone part too and just said this is the wrong envelope. I’m also confused at how Horowitz got hold of the correct envelope.

Beatty apparently was given the wrong envelope (by a now unemployed member of Price-Waterhouse). Of course, what was it doing there in the first place?

The fact that Warren Beatty looked lost, that didn’t surprise me at all. That’s the way he is at the Beverly Glen deli. And Faye Dunaway, who announced the wrong winner, well she has an excuse. She can just say it wasn’t her. Whoever that woman was on stage she was unrecognizable as Faye Dunaway. She could claim “that was Jeffrey Tambor” from TRANSPARENT.

Jimmy Kimmel was clearly pissed – signing off with “I’ll never do this again” when actually I thought he did a nice job. I would just say next time don’t take an Ambien before going on stage.

Getting back to the fuck up of all fuck ups – I’m sure the administration will blame it on illegal Academy voters.

And by the way, snafu aside that was quite an upset. LA LA LAND was considered a lock – although no one I know actually loved that film. Most, myself included, were completely underwhelmed. The stars can’t sing. That’s sort of important in a musical.

My friend Jon Weisman had a great tweet. He said LA LA LAND just became the Atlanta Falcons.

And I don’t think Faye Dunaway is going to be hosting THE MATCH GAME anytime soon.

You have to feel for those producers of LA LA LAND that had the rug pulled out from under them, but honestly, weren’t you sort of amused after all those lofty acceptance speeches “they said we were fools to dream,” “this was a brave and courageous journey”, etc. to have someone go, “Uh, sit down. You lost.”

Considering how pissed Steven Spielberg was when SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE beat out SAVING PRIVATE RYAN, if he were in this situation, Barry Jenkins would have had to wrestle him to ground to get the Oscar out of his cold dead hands.

How much do you think the bar bill was for the LA LA LAND after-party?

On the other hand, THIS is why we watch this tedious award show every year – because every so often you see something completely unexpected and jaw dropping and you know it’s live. That’s what makes for great television. And now, one of the few shared experiences we all have… other than mass protests.

Meanwhile, the Trump bashing was kept to a surprising minimum. Not that any of his supporters were watching anyway. I bet the only show that gets a lower rating in Alabama is the Chabad Telethon.

I did like Kimmel’s line that “the show was airing in more than 225 countries that now hate us.”

The Iranian Director who won for THE SALESMAN but didn’t come because he didn’t want to spend two weeks in a holding cell, prepared a stinging statement but unless they replay it on Fox News no one who matters will have heard it.

I bet there were more Trump jokes but when the mere mention of Ivanka got an audible groan, I suspect they wisely pushed them aside.

The Creative Community faced an agonizing dilemma this year – how can you acknowledge the dangerous state of our world and not let it spoil your good time? And remember, this IS Hollywood. When President Reagan was shot the morning of the Academy Awards the blazing headline in the next day's Variety was "OSCARCAST POSTPONED." Underneath, in much smaller letters, was "President of the United States shot". Gives you some perspective of this town.

The solution this year: Wear blue ribbons for the ACLU and hit the bar.

As for the show itself:

Well, first, let me back up. A moment or two about the red carpet shows.

How many of you miss Joan Rivers? I do. How many of you miss Melissa Rivers? Hands? Anybody? Hello. Did you ever notice that Gayle King is Oprah’s Melissa Rivers?

I guess KTLA, channel 5 in Los Angeles was not allowed to really interview many red carpet guests. They did a three hour show featuring their usual hosts, Sam Rubin the footstool to the stars and dashboard bobblehead Jessica Holmes. But mostly it was canned features and not live interviews. Which is too bad. They’re usually good for at least five staggeringly stupid questions. But picking up that mantle, God bless her, was Kristin Smith for ABC’s coverage. She asked Casey Affleck why so many films filmed in Boston. And to Emma Stone she said, “LA LA LAND is about dreamers. What advice do you have for dreamers?” Emma said, “Uh, that’s a big question.” But it’s just not the same without Sam gushing, “Every star in the galaxy is here” and Jessica Holmes mispronouncing everyone’s name including her own.

The show got off to a good start with Justin Timberlake doing his nominated number from TROLLS. Except the celebrities looked so awkward clapping and dancing. They’re not there to party. They’re there to win their goddman hardware, look better than everyone else, get shit-faced, take their $30,000 swag bag and go home to yell at the help. But you know they started the show with Timberlake “to get the kids.”

Jimmy’s monologue was breezy and mostly funny. Meryl Streep was a good sport. She’s the new Jack Nicholson. It’s as if every host now plays to her.

The set originally looked like URINETOWN. But then it changed every ten minutes. Gold clamshells, Mastro’s without the steaks, shimmering blue Oscars, a giant waffle iron. Apparently, at 11:30 in the morning some giant set piece crashed to the ground. No one was hurt although I’m sure the producer wished it landed on Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway.

Back in a minute, but first – I was glad that Randy Thomas was back as the announcer. Don’t you just imagine she’s announcing YOUR name?

(at this point I played a sound byte of Randy announcing that I had won as Oscar. See some of this stuff works better in audio form.)

I thought Mahershala Ali gave a very heartfelt acceptance speech. Many of the speeches were lovely. I didn’t appreciate when that one winner was rushed off the stage though as he was talking about his mother dying. And I loved the guy, I think he won for a music category, who thanked his mother for letting him get out of soccer to be in a musical.

The Best Documentary went to OJ, MADE IN AMERICA. I wonder if he thought the one about him was I AM NOT YOUR NEGRO.

Most of the women looked spectacular this year. Notably Brie Larson, Alicia Vikander (resplendent in her size zero Louis Vittan), Scarlett Johansson, and Naomi Harris.

My daughter Annie has a good rule. No movie over three hours should be eligible for Best Editing.

The first time they dropped candy from parachutes it was a cute bit. By the third time it was tedious. And it’s time to put to bed the Jimmy Kimmel – Matt Damon feud.

Janelle Monae came dressed as a TV test pattern.

And Michelle Williams came as Mia Farrow on her wedding night to Frank Sinatra.

The scariest moment of the night was when the celebrities had to actually confront real people. They did a bit where a tour bus group was ushered into the auditorium and the looks on some of the actors’ faces was priceless. Many looked panicked. Some of the stars were good sports. Denzel, who did not appear to be loaded this year, Ryan Gosling, and Mahershala Ali all had fun with it. Others sat there like they needed volunteers to take a hill.

The most uplifting moment was when Katherine Johnson, the real-life mathematician for NASA and the inspiration behind HIDDEN FIGURES was brought out on stage. That almost made up for the long-winded ponderous acceptance speech by Viola Davis. What was that all about? “Artists are the only profession that celebrates what it means to live a life.” So, uh, if you’re not an artist you don’t count, or just exist? Not sure. Reminds me of when Jerry Lewis had a very brief talk show and would end it by saying, “The greatest thing I could wish for you is that you have show business people as your friends.” Viola started by saying that all stories come from dead people. Huh? And ended by turning into Norma Desmond. “And I want to thank the craft-services person.” Get off the stage!

How do I describe Leslie Mann’s dress? It’s like if you tried to gift-wrap a vacuum cleaner.

And how many times did they cut to a reaction shot from someone in the audience and you said, "Who's that?" More this year than ever.

The best make-up award went to SUICIDE SQUAD for dying actors’ hair different colors.

Michael Shannon is starting to look like Jaws from those James Bond movies.

Auli’i Cravalho did a beautiful job of singing that song from MOANA. Amazing poise for a 16 year old. And very beautiful. I imagine Faye Dunaway will be in her plastic surgeon’s office Monday morning saying, “this time give me that face.”

Shirley MacLaine had the best line of the night. She said “that was the greatest reception in 250,000 years.” All those past lives and she winds up Warren Beatty’s sister.

I loved the New York Times ad.

What happened to Halle Berry? She turned into Diana Ross.

Lots and lots of standing ovations this year. It was like a Jewish High Holiday Service. After awhile people just got tired of it and you could see them wrestling with “should I? It’s only the old lady from NASA. Nah. I’ll save it for when LA LA LAND wins Best Picture.”

Amy Adams is turning into Jessica Rabbit.

Okay, ZOOTOPIA was a good cartoon but did it “make the world a better place?” I don’t think so. That would be THE BATMAN LEGO MOVIE.

Did Nicole Kidman also have her arms done?

The IN MEMORIAM piece was very moving. Sara Bareilles singing Joni Mitchell’s “Both Sides Now” offered just the right blend of sadness and celebration. Don’t you always wonder who is going to get the pimp spot? Which death Hollywood considers to be the most significant? Well, in this case, it was nice to see that Carrie Fisher finally upstaged her mother.

Happy that Kenneth Lonergan and Barry Jenkins won the two screenplay Oscars. Leave it to writers to give eloquent BRIEF speeches without claiming that only artists can give meaning to life.

The Academy went overboard on diversity this year, and even then Will Smith can’t get a nomination.

Fox Searchlight spent $17.5 million to acquire Nate Parker’s BIRTH OF A NATION figuring it was Oscar gold for sure this year. Too bad they didn’t spend $5 and check his rap sheet.

Emma Stone looked elegant in her Roaring 20’s flapper gown. Congratulations on winning an Oscar for starring in a musical when you can’t sing or dance.

Lin-Manuel Miranda didn’t get his EGOT. But he will. Maybe he did. Who gave it out?

Salma Hayek always looks gorgeous so she’s always a presenter and she can never pronounce anything. She had trouble with “The White Helmet.”

Sofia Boutella’s hair off to one side was interesting. Very Picasso.

Yeah, the Academy says it celebrates diversity but how come not one alien from ARRIVAL was nominated?

So Mel Gibson has been welcomed back by Hollywood. I guess anti-Semite is now a diversity group.

This year’s Oscars will long be remembered. What a colossal blunder. John Travolta is now off the hook. Rob Lowe and Snow White are now off the hook. I’d hate to be Faye Dunaway’s personal assistant. Next year expect the ballots to tabulated by the accounting firm of Goldberg and Fishman on Ventura Blvd. in Reseda. And if this year the theme was diversity, next year it will be “We don’t give a shit who wins as long as we get it right.” On to the Emmys.