The trial of the Oscar snafu

Okay, so two employees of Price-Waterhouse goofed up and handed a celebrity the wrong envelope at the Oscars. Since then they’ve been outed and dragged through the press and social media. There have even been death threats. I’m not going to mention their two names. They’ve been singled out enough. But I thought to myself, what if some idiot tried to actually carry it out. For purposes of this blog and the hope that some sanity in the world still exits, he failed, but is now on trial for Attempted Murder.   Imagine being the attorney defending that moron.

ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Attempted Murder is a serious charge, even in the south. For one to take another person’s life, there are precious few reasons why any God fearing individual can justify it. Not just because of our laws of the land but the Ten Commandments. “Thou shalt not kill.” I don’t know if it’s the first commandment but it’s sure in the top five. Way above “don’t covet thy nanny or neighbor’s wife,” I know that.

So for me to stand before you today and ask you to empathize and even forgive such unspeakable behavior, I darn well better have a good reason. And I do. A reason that I believe any reasonable human being would understand and accept.

The Price-Waterhouse employee did something so heinous, no unconscionable, so potentially destructive to society as we know it and imagine it in the future that any rational intelligent human being would have to question whether said employee deserved to live.

For this wasn’t just running over six people in a crosswalk or forgetting to screw in a bolt which resulted in a manned rocket exploding. Oh no, this was way worse.

The alleged victim recklessly and carelessly and without any thought to the irreparable damage he would do to the world as we know it – handed Warren Beatty the wrong envelope at the 2017 Oscars. The result was apocalyptic, if I may downplay it. Before literally millions and figuratively billions of people around the globe the wrong movie was named for Best Picture of the Year.

I remind the jury of the immediate aftermath. National treasure Warren Beatty was made to appear foolish. America’s Sweetheart Faye Dunaway was duped into announcing the wrong name. Host Jimmy Kimmel was unable to get big laughs on his saver jokes. Wives were thanked who had no business being thanked. People with headsets were actually on camera. Viewers who filled out their Oscar pools in ink now had messy forms. The Academy of Arts & Science, an organization so protective of its image that it once hired Seth MacFarlane to host the Oscars, was embarrassed. There were snarky tweets and derisive comments from bloggers. The booth announcer gave the wrong statistics.  Need I go on?  I'll stop so you can sleep at night. 

This was such an egregious error that people were talking about it the next day. And remember, it was on after midnight in the east when most people were asleep already.

I think it’s safe to say that the snafu set the entire world off-kilter. This was the Best Picture award, not just Best Make-Up. Viewers develop strong attachments to these films, they live and die based on what awards they receive.  Their entire self-worth is wrapped up in their box office receipts.  What happened was a personal affront to billions if not millions of moviegoers. One can already see a permeating national depression. Sales of anti-depressants are way up, more people are starting therapy – what else could possibly cause this other than confusion over an Academy Award announcement?

So ladies and gentlemen, I ask you to reconsider, even those of you who are in the MOONLIGHT camp and resent that your producers didn’t have more time to thank their wives, I ask you to put everything in perspective, see the big picture, and find my client not guilty. Or if he is guilty, give the judge the wrong envelope. Thank you.