GUNS & EMO
By Ken Levine
FADE IN:
EXT. BOGOTA, COLOMBIA – DAY
(Actually New York Street, Paramount but some trucks and a well-placed burro accurately create the desired effect.) Crowded (within reason).
There’s a commotion. Someone is being chased. It’s beautiful, athletic, resourceful, tough-but-vulnerable LIBBY LANGER, dressed in clingy summer dress, toting a pistol, hauling ass.
Running alongside is RODNEY her young, good-looking, charming, self-deprecating, slightly-ethnic-but-we-don’t-know-from-where partner who is always available for a quick quip or another gun clip.
They’re being hotly pursued by THREE ANGRY GUNMEN with M-16’s. Thousands of rounds are fired at our heroes, just missing them.
While running, Libby turns back for a split-second. She fires one round and kills one of the gunmen.
CLOSE UP – Libby’s feet, running. Her high heels are a blur.
BACK TO SCENE
LIBBY
(into her ear bud)
Talk to me!
CUT TO:
INT. G.I.A. (GLOBAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY) COMMAND CENTER – SAME
Hundreds of monitors line the walls of this high-tech monitoring station. Fortunately there are video cameras on every corner in Bogota.
HERBERT, nerdy-but-handsome, skinny-but-athletic surveys the monitors.
HERBERT
Okay, Libby. In about 100 feet you’re going to come to dilapidated shack and then a Seattle’s Finest Coffee. Make a left.
INTERCUT THROUGHOUT:
LIBBY
See it. Thanks.
HERBERT
I’ll have a half-caff with cream.
LIBBY
(smiling and shooting)
Oh, Herbert.
Libby and Rodney turn the corner, still dodging a relentless barrage of bullets.
HERBERT
Remember Libby. You and Rodney have to get that thumb drive of the secret formula of the undetectable nerve gas to your contact within the next 90 seconds otherwise the additional chip that’s been planted in it will detonate a dirty bomb releasing the gas that will kill everyone within a thousand miles.
LIBBY
Then they better make your half-caff quick.
HERBERT
(breaking into a smile)
Oh, Libby.
RODNEY
(pointing)
I see the contact!
A MAN with a laptop strapped to his back hangs precariously from a fourth story building.
HERBERT
I’m pulling up the blueprint now.
LIBBY
Not necessary.
(to Rodney)
Cover me!
RODNEY
I’d say that dress does that sufficiently.
LIBBY
(breaks into a smile)
Oh, Rodney.
Libby leaps up on a café table, hurtles onto the café awning, which serves as a trampoline springing her high into the air where she grabs hold of a clothes line and uses it to swing up to the exact spot where the man is holding on for dear life.
LIBBY
The winter morn is cold.
MAN
But the spring night is warm.
LIBBY
Warm?
MAN
(correcting himself)
Warm-ish.
LIBBY
Okay. Just had to make sure.
MAN
You can’t be too careful. Not in this business.
LIBBY
Know what you mean. Guns and bullets I can handle. But this lack of trust… I dunno.
MAN
Never lose that.
Libby bounds into the window, turns and offers her hand.
LIBBY
Here. Grab it.
He reaches up and even though he’s 250 pounds and she’s 100 she manages to hoist him inside easily. They tumble into the room.
INT. ROOM -- SAME
LIBBY
Good thing they make those laptop lighter.
MAN
(breaks into a smile)
Oh…
(realizing)
I don’t know your name.
HERBERT
Ten seconds. Libby, if you don’t disarm that thumb drive it will set off a gas that will…
LIBBY
Yeah, yeah. Got it.
She hands the thumb drive to the man who inserts it into the USB port. Libby holds her breath, bracing for the worst. But nothing happens.
MAN
Done. It’s disarmed.
Libby collapses in relief.
HERBERT
Good job, Libby.
The door bursts open and Rodney enters.
RODNEY
(re gunmen)
Okay, they’re all dead.
LIBBY
Rodney, meet…
(realizing)
I don’t know your name either.
MAN
It’s better that way.
HEBERT
Oh hell, his name is Skip.
HERBERT
Your job now is to escort him back to headquarters. If he’s abducted by the wrong people they could use his expertise to recreate another formula he was working on that would cause half the population of the planet to fall asleep and the other half to tuck them in.
LIBBY
Right.
(checking her watch)
Oh. Rodney. Could you do this? There’s someplace I’ve got to be.
RODNEY
This really is a two-person job.
She gives him a quick peck on the cheek. He swoons.
RODNEY
Yeah… okay.
LIBBY
I owe ya.
She climbs out the window, grabs the clothesline, and swings out of view.
SMASH CUT:
EXT. NEW YORK STREET (PARMAMOUNT) -- NIGHT
Dressed to look like a New York street.
INT. KITCHEN – SAME
CRAIG, boring-but-handsome, is emptying the dishwasher as Libby bursts in.
LIBBY
Hi, Craig. Sorry I missed dinner.
She kisses him.
CRAIG
They make you work too many hours at the Nordstrom Rack.
LIBBY
I know.
CRAIG
Why are you covered in dirt and smell like manure?
LIBBY
Uh… we’re decorating the loading dock.
CRAIG
(buying it completely)
Okay.
HERBERT
(in her ear)
Good one.
LIBBY
Shut up!
CRAIG
What?
LIBBY
Nothing. Thanks for doing the dishes.
CRAIG
No, problem. Hey, you free for lunch tomorrow?
LIBBY
Tomorrow? Hmmm. Not sure. Let’s talk in the morning.
SMASH CUT
EXT. ASHTIYAN, IRAN – NEXT DAY
(New York Street on Paramount lot. Sand and some bazaar tents should do the trick. Same extras re-dressed.) Libby sits at the Seattle’s Finest outdoor patio. She’s on her cellphone.
LIBBY
Hey, Craig. Something came up. Afraid I won’t be able to make it for lunch.
ANOTHER SHOT – LIBBY THROUGH THE VIEWFINDER OF A SNIPER’S RIFLE.
SUPER: TO BE CONTINUED
CUT TO BLACK.
Tomorrow: Part two. Are you at the edge of your seat?
By Ken Levine
FADE IN:
EXT. BOGOTA, COLOMBIA – DAY
(Actually New York Street, Paramount but some trucks and a well-placed burro accurately create the desired effect.) Crowded (within reason).
There’s a commotion. Someone is being chased. It’s beautiful, athletic, resourceful, tough-but-vulnerable LIBBY LANGER, dressed in clingy summer dress, toting a pistol, hauling ass.
Running alongside is RODNEY her young, good-looking, charming, self-deprecating, slightly-ethnic-but-we-don’t-know-from-where partner who is always available for a quick quip or another gun clip.
They’re being hotly pursued by THREE ANGRY GUNMEN with M-16’s. Thousands of rounds are fired at our heroes, just missing them.
While running, Libby turns back for a split-second. She fires one round and kills one of the gunmen.
CLOSE UP – Libby’s feet, running. Her high heels are a blur.
BACK TO SCENE
LIBBY
(into her ear bud)
Talk to me!
CUT TO:
INT. G.I.A. (GLOBAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY) COMMAND CENTER – SAME
Hundreds of monitors line the walls of this high-tech monitoring station. Fortunately there are video cameras on every corner in Bogota.
HERBERT, nerdy-but-handsome, skinny-but-athletic surveys the monitors.
HERBERT
Okay, Libby. In about 100 feet you’re going to come to dilapidated shack and then a Seattle’s Finest Coffee. Make a left.
INTERCUT THROUGHOUT:
LIBBY
See it. Thanks.
HERBERT
I’ll have a half-caff with cream.
LIBBY
(smiling and shooting)
Oh, Herbert.
Libby and Rodney turn the corner, still dodging a relentless barrage of bullets.
HERBERT
Remember Libby. You and Rodney have to get that thumb drive of the secret formula of the undetectable nerve gas to your contact within the next 90 seconds otherwise the additional chip that’s been planted in it will detonate a dirty bomb releasing the gas that will kill everyone within a thousand miles.
LIBBY
Then they better make your half-caff quick.
HERBERT
(breaking into a smile)
Oh, Libby.
RODNEY
(pointing)
I see the contact!
A MAN with a laptop strapped to his back hangs precariously from a fourth story building.
HERBERT
I’m pulling up the blueprint now.
LIBBY
Not necessary.
(to Rodney)
Cover me!
RODNEY
I’d say that dress does that sufficiently.
LIBBY
(breaks into a smile)
Oh, Rodney.
Libby leaps up on a café table, hurtles onto the café awning, which serves as a trampoline springing her high into the air where she grabs hold of a clothes line and uses it to swing up to the exact spot where the man is holding on for dear life.
LIBBY
The winter morn is cold.
MAN
But the spring night is warm.
LIBBY
Warm?
MAN
(correcting himself)
Warm-ish.
LIBBY
Okay. Just had to make sure.
MAN
You can’t be too careful. Not in this business.
LIBBY
Know what you mean. Guns and bullets I can handle. But this lack of trust… I dunno.
MAN
Never lose that.
Libby bounds into the window, turns and offers her hand.
LIBBY
Here. Grab it.
He reaches up and even though he’s 250 pounds and she’s 100 she manages to hoist him inside easily. They tumble into the room.
INT. ROOM -- SAME
LIBBY
Good thing they make those laptop lighter.
MAN
(breaks into a smile)
Oh…
(realizing)
I don’t know your name.
HERBERT
Ten seconds. Libby, if you don’t disarm that thumb drive it will set off a gas that will…
LIBBY
Yeah, yeah. Got it.
She hands the thumb drive to the man who inserts it into the USB port. Libby holds her breath, bracing for the worst. But nothing happens.
MAN
Done. It’s disarmed.
Libby collapses in relief.
HERBERT
Good job, Libby.
The door bursts open and Rodney enters.
RODNEY
(re gunmen)
Okay, they’re all dead.
LIBBY
Rodney, meet…
(realizing)
I don’t know your name either.
MAN
It’s better that way.
HEBERT
Oh hell, his name is Skip.
HERBERT
Your job now is to escort him back to headquarters. If he’s abducted by the wrong people they could use his expertise to recreate another formula he was working on that would cause half the population of the planet to fall asleep and the other half to tuck them in.
LIBBY
Right.
(checking her watch)
Oh. Rodney. Could you do this? There’s someplace I’ve got to be.
RODNEY
This really is a two-person job.
She gives him a quick peck on the cheek. He swoons.
RODNEY
Yeah… okay.
LIBBY
I owe ya.
She climbs out the window, grabs the clothesline, and swings out of view.
SMASH CUT:
EXT. NEW YORK STREET (PARMAMOUNT) -- NIGHT
Dressed to look like a New York street.
INT. KITCHEN – SAME
CRAIG, boring-but-handsome, is emptying the dishwasher as Libby bursts in.
LIBBY
Hi, Craig. Sorry I missed dinner.
She kisses him.
CRAIG
They make you work too many hours at the Nordstrom Rack.
LIBBY
I know.
CRAIG
Why are you covered in dirt and smell like manure?
LIBBY
Uh… we’re decorating the loading dock.
CRAIG
(buying it completely)
Okay.
HERBERT
(in her ear)
Good one.
LIBBY
Shut up!
CRAIG
What?
LIBBY
Nothing. Thanks for doing the dishes.
CRAIG
No, problem. Hey, you free for lunch tomorrow?
LIBBY
Tomorrow? Hmmm. Not sure. Let’s talk in the morning.
SMASH CUT
EXT. ASHTIYAN, IRAN – NEXT DAY
(New York Street on Paramount lot. Sand and some bazaar tents should do the trick. Same extras re-dressed.) Libby sits at the Seattle’s Finest outdoor patio. She’s on her cellphone.
LIBBY
Hey, Craig. Something came up. Afraid I won’t be able to make it for lunch.
ANOTHER SHOT – LIBBY THROUGH THE VIEWFINDER OF A SNIPER’S RIFLE.
SUPER: TO BE CONTINUED
CUT TO BLACK.
Tomorrow: Part two. Are you at the edge of your seat?
This is hilarious. You're showing that the remake of Hawaii Five-0 should have been played as a comedy. It woud have been much better, and more intentionally funny that way.
ReplyDeleteI was about to say what Marka said, but about ALIAS.
ReplyDeleteI like it.
ReplyDeleteIs there a part foe me in it?
ReplyDeleteI don't really watch action shows, so I can be surprised Libby didn't deck Rodney on sight.
ReplyDeletewg
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis post reminds me of the Steve Goodman/John Prine song "You Never Even Call Me By My Name" in which they put every country and western trope into a one song. I laugh out loud every time I hear the line "The day the dog got drunk and died, and mom broke out of prison. . . ."
ReplyDeleteYou need to mention Libby also speaks fluent Farsi.
ReplyDeleteYOU are a sick puppy...but this is hilarious...Why are you not pitching it pronto to Netflix...or Disney...
ReplyDeleteNo gruff experienced veteran agent in charge, who often berates Libby on her frequent improvisations and not-by-the-book or new school methods but really loves her like a daughter?
ReplyDelete"TALK TO ME!" lol
ReplyDeleteYOU STOLE MY IDEA!
ReplyDeleteJust kidding.
But seriously the bad guys should be using AK-47's instead of M-16's. That's the preferred weapon of the enemies of freedom.
M.B.
@Shelley Herman: In that case, get Sarah Shahi. She speaks fluent Farsi (Persian heritage), and she looks great in a tight dress.
ReplyDeleteI sure hope you work in that scene of Libby walking towards the camera while a gigantic explosion is going off behind her. Of course, Libby takes no notice.
ReplyDeleteLet Libby Live!
ReplyDeleteI think you can get this show to run on CBS for 20 seasons minimum. Follow-up question: is there a part for Ted Danson in this?
ReplyDeleteAll you need is a theme tune.
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to part 2! Paramount New York street needs to be Havelská Street in Prague next. And yes to iamr4man's scene of Libby walking towards the camera not deigning to notice the explosion that destroys the terrorist-harboring middle eastern bazaar behind her.
ReplyDeleteAction movies are such formula that I turn them on when I am grading papers. I can tune in my attention every half hour or so to get to the next plot point.