This is a traditional post. My annual tips for flying during Thanksgiving week. Fly (and read) at your own risk.
Leave for the airport NOW. Don't wait until the last week .
Bring no luggage. Wearing the same clothes for a week is a small price
to pay. Plus, the airlines now charge you for check-in luggage AND
blankets. Pretty soon pressurized air will also be extra.
Southwest has no reserved seating. Get in one of the latter groups
boarding. You don’t want to be one of the first to sit then watch as
fifty people glance at the empty seat next to you, then to you, and decide to sit somewhere else. Even in the last row.
If you have children under the age of five tell your relatives one has an earache and make everyone come to YOU.
Don't be an asshole. Wear your mask. And don’t slug a flight attendant who tells you to put it on.
Those people in the Stand-By line – those are the same people who think
they can get rich selling Amway products, and the Tooth Fairy really
exists. Don’t fly Stand-By unless you like sleeping in airport
terminals for five days.
If you rent from Hertz plan on a two hour wait just to get your car. Unless you’re one of their “preferred” customers in which case allow only one hour.
When rental car companies recommend you use premium gasoline put in
regular. It’s cheaper, it’ll run just fine, and it’s not your car.
Before you pull off the road to a Chuck E. Cheese for lunch, remember their namesake is a rat.
Air travelers: avoid O’Hare. Better to land in Dallas, even if your destination is Chicago.
If you’re dropping someone off at the airport don’t even think
you’ll be able to stop. Have your travelers practice the tuck and roll
from a moving car. The first couple of times they’ll bounce but by the
fourth or fifth try they should have it down.
There’s more legroom in Exit rows. When the flight attendants ask if
you are willing to help out in case of emergency just say yes. Like
it’s going to make a big difference anyway if you crash.
If you’re flying on an airline that doesn’t have reserved seating never
sit next to anyone who is already eating or reading Ann Coulter.
Before you fly to New York and have to negotiate JFK just remember –
the parade is on TV. And it’s the same friggin' balloons as last year.
The only difference is that the stars of NBC’s big new hit from last
year, THE CAPE, won’t be there (thank God).
Put a big strip of duct tape on your luggage so you’ll recognize it easily. And it makes a nice fashion statement.
If you’re flying with small children see if there’s such a thing as “Flintstones Valium”.
In-flight alcoholic beverages are expensive. Better to drink heavily at the airport before boarding.
And finally, watch PLANES, TRAINS, & AUTOMOBILES again and think of it as a “best” case scenario.
Happy trails to you all.
I always had good luck with O'Hare. The real bummer was Midway. Glad Meigs Field is gone.
ReplyDeleteGet ahead of the game. At the dinner table talk about the famous relative deep in the family tree before your dad brings it up so you get all that pontificating out of the way before digesting.
ReplyDeleteVery good! Funnier cuz I know I'll likely never have to fly again. Thank goodness! Happy T-day!!
ReplyDeleteIf you see someone in a red cap and no mask, don't board that plane. Unless you enjoy on-board violence.
ReplyDelete"If you see someone in a red cap and no mask, don't board that plane. Unless you enjoy on-board violence."
DeleteI noticed on the news that supporters of Kyle Shittenhouse want people to respect the decision of the jury and not riot.
Satire just committed suicide.
Good pointers Ken. One small thing: the big airport west of Dallas where American Airlines is hubbed is the Dallas-Fort Worth airport (DFW). The Dallas airport is Love Field and you have to fly in on Southwest; that's the one to avoid.
ReplyDeleteDon't forget that Southwest flies into Midway in the Chicago area.
ReplyDeleteFlew Delta two days ago. Not a single problem. Through Atlanta. Delta Comfort. Legroom. No children. Free cocktails - I know, I'm paying for them through the ticket.
ReplyDeleteI went to drop my son off at the airport last week. Leaving my house in Louisville to return to Van Nuys. Flight left at 6AM. I live 5 miles from Ali International. It took me 20 minutes from the time I left my house, until I returned home. Having spent my adulthood driving from Ventura Co. to LAX, which could take hours, I am always delighted when friends and family fly out to visit from LA, and how easy our airport is in comparison. Now if they just flew to more than a handful of cities, because changing planes is THE WORST!!
ReplyDeleteYour Hertz comment certainly describes my experience at SeaTac last month. MVP Gold, name on board, no car in lot. No Gold line. One line. An hour in it and the manager finally arrived just as I got to the front. I'll give her credit. 90 seconds later I was driving off.
ReplyDeleteIf you *are* seated in an exit row, bear in mind that eveyone who isn't seated in an exit row will regard the area in front of you as a public hangout space for stretching their legs and conversing. With you, if you're really unlucky.
ReplyDeleteWednesday night I flew home. I was lucky: on both legs of the flight, I had an empty seat to my left and an aisle to my right. Elbow room! I’ve been flying into the same airport for 30 years. There’s always been a long line of cabs waiting outside the terminal to take arrivees wherever they’re going. An airport employee directs the hubbub, matching up passengers with drivers based on a fair FIFO policy. This was still the case in November 2020. What a difference a year makes!
ReplyDeleteThis week there were zero cabs and no one supervising. After awhile a security guard came by and called some of the cab companies to try to get rides for us all. “They said it would be 30-40 minutes,” he told us. I thanked him and added “there’s usually 20 cabs out here waiting.”
“These days it’s hit and miss,” he told me. A guy in an unmarked white van finally came by after about only 15 more minutes and asked if everyone was looking for a ride. Taxi Driver? Serial Killer? At that point, no one cared. We all took a chance and went with him.
He later identified himself as running the “Airport Taxi,” even though there was no meter and no business card. He told me “most people now use Lyft and Uber. It’s hard for taxi drivers to make a living.”
This reminds me of the time that I flew to Palm Springs to see my Dad. I was on the flight from Seattle and there was a baby crying so loud the entire trip. I remember the baby's dad was wearing a kipot (yalmaka). Well during and for some time afterwards, my nerves were shaken.
ReplyDeleteWell, we went to Mimi's the local diner there and I was telling my dad about the trauma.
By total coincidence, whom should be behind us, but that family.
Friday Question: On series that may have many scenes that are pure CGI, does a 'guest' director have any input on how those are done or presented, or with, say, voice overs? Or is their job limited only to directing scenes that have actual actors in them? Thanks.
ReplyDeleteDo you often have an empty seat next to you when you fly Southwest, Ken?
ReplyDeleteMemo to Rolling Stone:
ReplyDeleteIn the classic scene in "Planes, Trains and Automobiles," John Candy led the entire bus group in joyous sing-along to an iconic theme song from a series that somehow did not make "your list" of the "100 greatest" despite the fact that it paved the way for others on the list the did make the cut. Sorry to beat a dead bojack horse.