I hope you got Gwyneth Paltrow’s latest newsletter.She sent it to all her subscribers at GOOP.
You’re going to want this because she shares her post-holiday cleanse, complete with menu and bowel movement advice. I wish I was making this up.
She does her yearly Master Cleanse of course, but that’s not until Spring.
When it comes to expert nutrition, who better than a celebrity who weighs eleven pounds?
The cleanse diet menu, as prepared by an actress who named her kid “Apple” includes chicken, smoothies, and fruit and bans gluten, dairy, processed food, shellfish, condiments, sugar and more.
It’s her seven day “elimination” diet. I swear. This is TRUE!
And finally, she offers this vital advice:
"If your bowel movements get sluggish, you can accelerate things by drinking half a cup of castor oil or using a mild herbal laxative. Bowel elimination is paramount for correct detoxification."
That’s fine if it were her Oscar acceptance speech.
Why not cut to the chase, Gwyneth, and give out your real beauty secret: if at all possible, be Blythe Danner's daughter.
ReplyDeletetonifu: What you're gonna get if you don't give Mr. Soprano his money.
At least she didn't say 'shit'.
ReplyDeleteShe up to 11 pounds? That PIG! Oink! Oink!
ReplyDeleteSo few celebrites are willing to share their bowel movement advice with us. Bless her. She'll always be Number 2 in my heart.
Richard Rogers once bragged "I can pee a melody." Just think what Gwyneth could do with all that - ah - lost weight.
"Gwyneth, you look flushed."
"Thank you."
OutOfContext beat me to it!
ReplyDeleteboward - the direction GP goes when the wind blows
At least she didn't say, "shit!"
ReplyDeleteOutOfContext...
ReplyDeleteI should have read the comments before making mine, or I wouldn't have duplicated you. Sorry!
Richard Rodgers never bragged he could pee melody. Noel Coward said it about him.
ReplyDeleteMe, I pass stones of melody.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteSo many young women have body image issues because of impossibly thin stars like her.
ReplyDeleteAnd now she's giving them stool envy.
She left out the part about taking your Kaballah bracelet and wrapping it around your midsection like a lap band in order to restrict gastric intake.
ReplyDeleteIsn't there a new study just out that says detoxification diets are a myth, that if you have a healthy liver that'll keep you nice and detoxified?
ReplyDeleteThat might be the problem, though - how many actors in Hollywood still have a healthy liver..
Keep chugging that castor oil!
I swear colon cleasers are all the rage in 09. There's a radio commercial running here where the announcer says "Ladies, have you ever said to yourself 'I feel fat today.'?" He then goes on to say that this cleanser is much easier to use and more effective than any diet you may be on.
ReplyDeleteHe fails to mention how often you'll be running to the bathroom though.
aaaarrrrrrgggghhh!
ReplyDeletepeople like that give me the absolute willies.
Not making this up: my word verification is 'maneur'.
ReplyDeleteOh jeez! I misread your excerpt from the cleanse diet menu and nearly choked on a chicken smoothie. Et mais évidemment, that shot of shellfish can really clean you out, especially if you’re allergic.
ReplyDeleteHere’s a true example of tunnel hearing. Last night we're at the counter of a “Big Shucks” oyster restaurant, and a woman is inquiring tentatively, “Do you fry the catfish in the same oil you use for the shrimp?” And I’m automatically thinking, this has got to be one of the worst cases of gastronomic OCD I’ve ever witnessed. “Whatever you do, don’t let that catfish oil touch my shrimp.” Until the party of four huddled for a consultation and it turns out it was the shellfish allergy issue.
Look, nobody loves to hark the snark more than moi, but I can’t help it, I just loves me that Gwyneth Paltrow. A fair to middlin’ actress, cute as a button, and over all, just one primo piece of fruit. In fact, if you look closely at the background of the photo you’ve posted, you’ll see what the folks at Gucci are apparently saying about her, “U nice.”
We have Master Cleanse out twice a year to do our carpets, but they won’t go under the furniture. (One of the reasons I still miss Boston is, when we lived there, some of the dry cleaners were still called “dry cleansers. OK, right, that’s not one of the reasons, but I couldn’t think of any other way to share this factoid smoothly. You opened the door.
Don’t know about you, but after watching that PBS series, even I would feel the need for an industrial strength enema after consuming half of Catalonia with Tweedledee and Tweedledum. (New tourism slogan, “Come to Spain, we’re really mouth-watering.”) Little known fact, even earlier, Massachusetts dry cleansers were known as dry clysters, but you could never get one-hour martinizing.
Now personally, I find the concept of imbibing one thing to evacuate some other things, to be counterintuitive and, well just plain wasteful in both the literal and figurative sense. Although that $3.95 liebfraumilch we picked up at Costco the other day did have some of the same properties as that gallon of crap they force feed you foie gras-style the night before the colonoscopy – albeit with a nicer finish.
To my mind the real problem with this dietary cleansing is the concept, the close juxtaposition of the consumption with the elimination. While you’re engaged in one, you can pretty much not completely disengage yourself from either the memory or the prospect of the other. And the nomenclature is no less critical. It’s important to make the process sound less medicinal and more alternative-medicinal, yet still tried and true. That’s where I’ve come up with the next new trend in getting your insides out. Voilà: The Netti Poo! -- q.v. Dec. 25 by Ken Levine, I am NOT a douchebag!!. Imported directly from a customer service phone bank in Mumbai, it was one of our biggest Christmas sellers since the Chia Thong.
Yeah, I'm taking advice from a girl ho dresses like that and who speaks in a faux british accent because she's so infatuated with the food served in England...
ReplyDeleteI expect pretty soon she'll be writing a book titled, "The Haggis Diet--365 Ways to Eat the Most Disgusting Food You've ever Heard Of..."
Wanna "cleanse?" Eat a dozen prunes.
It's too bad her cleansing diet can't eliminate that big goiter or tumor or parasite on her neck.
ReplyDeleteOh, wait, maybe that's a bow.
A pox upon you, Out Of Context, because that was exactly what I was going to comment.
ReplyDeleteThat said, it was interesting to see her in that Spain travelogue show. Even more interesting was seeing the equally-if-not-hotter Claudia Bassols ingesting freely all manner of foodstuffs.
P.S. Is there something Freudian about writing about one's eliminatory functions in a newsletter with the title GOOP?
ReplyDeleteMy WV is "platema." Used in a sentence: Gwyneth's daughter Apple looked up at her beseechingly and said, "Get this off my plate, ma!"
ReplyDeleteOddly enough, one of my favorite Gwynnie performances is her sweet turn as the obese girl in "Shallow Hal." But if she were truly dedicated to her craft, she would've gained the weight instead of using prosthetics, then used her colon cleansing diet to get back in shape. She must not be a devotee of The Method.
Well I'm glad I reread this piece. I was about to savage the evil woman, until I realized what she was really talking about.
ReplyDeleteI thought she wanted to eliminate BAR stools!
Am I supposed to sit on the floor?
But let's face it, if you eliminated all the crap in Hollywood, we'd have no product at all!
But I least I didn't say that she didn't say shit: apparently the go-to joke for everyone else.
Cheers darlings.
Um... for me to poop on?
ReplyDeleteDoris Day was singing the praises of coffee enemas long before Paltrow was born. Of course, coffee was 10 cents a cup back then.
ReplyDeleteAs for lovely Gwyneth, I'm not saying she's alluring, but I'd crawl a mile over broken glass, stark naked, just to sniff the tires of the garbage truck that hauled away her used tampon.
Cap'n Bob.... Ewww.
ReplyDeleteTallulah Morehead... Hee! Twice! I want to be you when I grow up... or Ken.
But since I'm me, I'll just say that I've always liked Ms. Paltrow, as an actress and a person (from what I've heard/seen in interviews). She always struck me as down-to-earth.
That said, I ran across her post on this 'diet' a few days ago and was disheartened. Super Greens Juice. Miso Soup with Watercress. Cucumber and Avocado Soup. Detox Teriyaki Chicken. Sure, it all looked yummy--well, except for maybe the Beet, Carrot, Apple and Ginger Juice--but what 'real' working woman has the time/energy to create those multiple recipes for multiple days?
Maybe that explains(partially) why real women (like moi) aren't skinny-minnies like Gwyneth Paltrow.
"Beth Ciotta said...
ReplyDeleteTallulah Morehead... Hee! Twice! I want to be you when I grow up."
It's simple. Just don't grow up.
I hope Gwyneth is "down to earth." I'd hate to think she was hanging it out of a high window, perhaps with Cap'n Bob waiting hopefully, three floors below.
Cheers.
A woman who can correctly use the word "hopefully" needs no detoxification.
ReplyDelete"If your bowel movements get sluggish, you can accelerate things by drinking half a cup of castor oil or using a mild herbal laxative. Bowel elimination is paramount for correct detoxification."
ReplyDeleteWhat a load of crap!
Ray
"if at all possible, be Blythe Danner's daughter"
ReplyDeleteShe's not actress her mother is.
Beth: "Ewww" is right. It's just something I heard a year ago and have been waiting to use. Platrow's appearance in Iron Man impressed me greatly, so I said what the hey. I'm not usually THAT gross.
ReplyDeleteFor God's sake, Gwyneth, why torture yourself for a week? Follow the basic cleansing prep for a colonoscopy and get it done overnight.
ReplyDeletewv = gradwi: The next highest level of performance on Wii
Since I think she's a good actress, I tend to defend Gwyneth Paltrow, but from now on I'll stop using the phrase "I've got her back".
ReplyDeleteJust FYI: there does exist a real "elimination diet" that's prescribed to people with bowel/digestion disorders and disease like celiac, colitis and Crohn's. The term "elimination" refers not to bowel movements but rather to the fact that the diet requires you to eliminate potential food allergens (shellfish, sugar, gluten products, soy, etc.) for a specific period of time (anywhere from 2 weeks to several months), and then slowly reintroducing each food a few days at a time. That will allow the patient to determine what, if any, food they are reacting to.
ReplyDeleteIt's a shame that Ms. Paltrow chooses to dispense medical advice in such an irresponsible manner. The diet isn't meant for people to "cleanse" but to serve as a diagnostic tool as well as to relieve them of possible symptoms related to chronic disease.
I followed this elimination diet and had amazing results! I realized that I had some food allergies that were making me very irritabile and uncomfortable, which I would't have known if I didn't try this food regime. I also found that I was very consious of everything around me and very happy overall. So don't diss it 'til you've tried it...
ReplyDeleteYou look great Gwyneth! Keep it up!
ReplyDelete