Saturday, December 12, 2009

YOU supply the headlines

From time to time I like to present audience participation posts. These are actual news stories that just cry out for headlines. Have at 'em, dear readers. Leave them in the comments section. And as always, thanks for playing.

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Among the health-insurance upgrades demanded by Philadelphia-area transit workers and agreed to by the Southeastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority in November was removal of the 10-tablet-per-month rationing of Viagra and similar medications, to allow as many as 30 per month (according to a Philadelphia Daily News report). (The final contract, reportedly even more beneficial to the union, was being voted on by union members at press time.)

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When police in Brimfield, Ohio, stopped Jaime Aguirre, 42, for a traffic violation in October, they found some conventional photos of nude and near-nude women, but were especially surprised at a stash of x-rays and mammograms, which they supposed came from Aguirre's job as technician at an imaging center in Tiffin, Ohio. The Brimfield police chief said he believed the stash was used by Aguirre for sexual gratification, and since some of the x-rays and mammograms were of girls under the age of 18, Aguirre was charged with possession of child pornography.

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In Ogden, Utah, in October, Adam Manning, 30, accompanied his pregnant girlfriend to the McKay-Dee Hospital emergency room as she was going into labor. According to witnesses, as a nurse attended to the woman, Manning began flirting with her, complimenting the nurse's looks and giving her neck rubs. When Manning then allegedly groped the nurse's breast, she called for security, and Manning was eventually arrested and taken to jail, thus missing the birth of his child.

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Thousands of airline passengers continue to attempt to bring prohibited carry-on items on board. The New York Post reported in September that the Transportation Security Administration had confiscated 123,000 items so far this year from just the three main airports serving New York City. Included were 43 explosives, 1,600 knives, a 10-point deer antler, several fire extinguishers, a tree branch, nunchucks, a grill, a baby alligator, "unwashed adult toys," a gassed-up chain saw and a kitchen sink.

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Andrew Burwitz, 20, was arrested in Appleton, Wis., in November and charged with two drive-by shootings. No one was hit, and the major damage was done to Burwitz's car, in that Burwitz fired the first shot before he remembered to roll down the window.

Happy headline writing, comedy scribes.

28 comments :

  1. Transit Workers Drive "Hard" Bargain.

    It's What's Inside That Counts for Unusual Porn Collector

    Dad Misses Birth Over Attempt to Make Second Child

    As Long As They're Clean, You're Clear to Board

    In Case of Delinquency, Break Glass

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ditz Burwitz blows window to bitz in attempted hitz.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Philly transit workers sing the blues over contract.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Union Benefits Extended

    Manning's Pass Incomplete

    ReplyDelete
  5. 'Beauty more than skin deep' police allege

    ReplyDelete
  6. SEPTA APPROVES TRANSIT WORKERS DAILY DIDDLE

    X-RAY-TED BUSTS GET TECH BUSTED

    TRANSIT WORKERS PILLS SEIZED IN UTAH HOSPITAL

    ANTLERS NOW A DANGEROUS WEAPON

    COPS SEES INCREASE IN DRIVE-BY IDIOTS

    ReplyDelete
  7. Transit Workers Win Hard One!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Ohio Man Found Jonesing for Bones

    Origin Discovered of Slang Term "Boner"

    New Pickup Line: Hey Nursy, what Are You Doing After You Deliver My Baby?

    Adam Manning Awarded Nobel Prize in Animal Science for Proving Once and For All That Men Are Pigs

    Police Now Realize that "Adam Manning," Arrested in October, Was Alias Used by Tiger Woods

    NSA Workers Protest Christmas Bonuses of Knives and Grilled Alligator Bits; Ask Instead for Daily Viagra

    ReplyDelete
  9. Union Members on the Rise.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Call Your Doctor If Train Delay Lasts More Than 4 Hours

    X-Rays of Defendant's Brain Show Nothing

    How I Mortified Your Mother

    Unfortunately, the 3 French Hens Got Past Them

    The Good News: He Has Endorsement Deal With Windex

    ReplyDelete
  11. Transit Workers May Come Daily

    ReplyDelete
  12. Sandy Koufax12/12/2009 6:17 PM

    Phizer is no miser with favorite blue pill.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Jim Stickford12/12/2009 7:17 PM

    Union contract Lifts Wokers

    Arrest of boob leads to stolen x-rays

    Clueless Man Allowed to Breed

    Feds confiscate Cliche at Airport

    Do-it-yourself-Gangster Regrets Frugality

    ReplyDelete
  14. Jim Stickford12/12/2009 7:53 PM

    Correction: Headline should read "Arrest of boob leads to stolen mammograms"

    ReplyDelete
  15. Union Boners May Delay Morning Commute

    Sex-Ray Tech Nipped In Mammo Grand Theft

    Man Delivers Grope To Maternity Nurse

    Hatfields and McCoys Take First Airplane Ride

    Local Car Outwits Carjacker

    ReplyDelete
  16. I'm voting for Troy; he seems to have the hed-line nature.

    acest: having sex with letters.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Transit Workers Seek Help Entering Tunnels

    ReplyDelete
  18. Philadelphia transit worker," Look no hands!"


    with thanks to my better half, Ross Angus

    ReplyDelete
  19. Well for the first story, two spring to mind:

    Philly Transit Workers Wives Protest Against Planned Changes to Award.

    Tiger Woods Plans to become a Philly Transit Worker.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Stiff raise in Septa contract

    Perv wanted to jump her bones

    Irresistible Big Mam at McKay-Dee's

    Nun chucks nunchucks, gets on plane

    Drive-and-Shoot downside discovered

    ReplyDelete
  21. More Viagra for Philly transit workers:

    "Taking the el on the Broad Street Line'

    (As a former Philadelphia-are resident, I know that prostitution is rampant near the eastern end of the Market-Frankford El, so I guess SEPTA wants to make sure its workers are ready. Although increasing the supply of condoms would have been wiser...and safer.)

    ReplyDelete
  22. Tables are not only turned but lifted with no hands as labor stiffs management in contract talks


    Lab technician caught checking for lumps now about to take his lumps in jail

    Pervert tries to breast feed and misses child’s birth

    Depressed Wisconsin man said it was “too cold” for proper drive-by, says he will move to Los Angeles

    ReplyDelete
  23. Transit Workers Can Stick It to Anyone

    Traffic Stop Yields More Boobs than Hooters, Including Suspect

    Man Fondles Nurse, Has Baby Same Night

    Use That Kitchen Sink to Wash Adult Toys Before Boarding

    Clean Window Means Clear Ecidence in Shooting

    or Lower your window before you unload your gun. CBS cares.

    Local Man Pulls Drive By on Self

    ReplyDelete
  24. Union improves ability to improve union

    Pervert, yes; superficial, no

    Man arrested for groping delivery nurse; blames 'bad Lamaze training'

    TSA to become eBay Super Seller

    Appleton man's unusual car insurance claim denied

    ReplyDelete
  25. New Contract Makes Work Harder on a Daily Basis

    Delivery Room - The New Pick Up Bar

    123,000 Reasons You're Late for Your Flight

    In Case of Drive-By, Break Glass

    ReplyDelete
  26. fark.com ----->

    ReplyDelete
  27. So let me get this straight - x-ray pictures of children are considered child pornography, because the police "guesses" he uses them to pleasure himself?

    That's so idiotic I would be to embarrassed to even write an article about it, let alone a headline.

    Better get rid of your dog's x-rays as soon as possible, you don't want to be charged of beastiality...

    ReplyDelete

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