Hello from New York. Here’s a Friday Question that became an entire post.
MikeK.Pa. asks:
Wonder if you can give a high level look at your writing process with David Isaacs - what sparks an idea for a script, how long it takes to get from idea to outline to first draft to final script?
(You can see why one or two paragraphs might not cover this.)
We have no set way of coming up with ideas. I think we’ve each trained ourselves to always be on the lookout for good ideas because you never know when that spark is going to come.
Speaking for myself, I’ll read an article or see an incident at In & Out or come across some historical tidbit, or even hear a song that might trigger an idea.
I’ll then immediately jot the idea down. I keep a file of them. Most never come to fruition but every so often one will pop out. I have pilot ideas, movie ideas, play ideas. A lot of them suck. But you just never know.
By and large the best ideas are the ones that come from real life – something you’ve experienced or know others who have.
If David or I come up with a pilot idea the first thing we discuss is what’s the theme? What is the show really about? Then we try to determine whether the idea has legs. Is it conceivable to get a hundred episodes out of this idea? Are there rich veins of comedy? Is the idea original enough? Can we create interesting characters? Is this something we’d want to write for five years?
The best pilots come from relationships. What is the central one?
Once we’ve determined that, the next step is developing the characters. We spend a lot of time on this. Who are they? What do they want? What’s preventing them from getting it? How do the characters relate to each other? What’s funny about them? What’s original? How many do we need? How hard will they be to cast?
Next we figure out a general story. Not too complicated. We look for a story that best conveys the premise. Usually the first question is: should this be a premise pilot or not? A premise pilot tells the story from the beginning. Diane enters the CHEERS bar for the first time. Kimmy Schmidt is released from captivity. A non-premise pilot has everything already in place. THE OFFICE and SEINFELD are two examples.
Premise pilots are usually easier because the story is built in. If your show is a romantic comedy the first episode is often the couple meeting. Or if you’re doing a workplace comedy, a new boss takes over, it’s the first day on the job, the main character’s father dies and leaves him the business, etc.
We do whatever works best for that series. Once we’ve decided on a story we write a beat sheet. We try to find the best and funniest way to introduce the characters, show them off, and tell the story.
After we’ve played with the beat sheet we write a detailed outline. Even if we don’t have to turn it in to a network or studio, we still feel there’s great value in writing a ten to fifteen page outline complete with jokes (although we may not use them).
We look over the outline, revise it – either majorly or cosmetically -- then write our first draft.
The way David and I work is we write head-to-head. We sit in the same room and dictate the script to an assistant who either takes shorthand or is a whiz on the computer. Other partnerships work differently. Some divide up the scenes, some have one write the first draft and the other write the second draft. We can work that way if need be, but we'd rather work together.
Usually we over-write the first draft, especially early on as we’re still discovering the characters, how they speak, how they interact. We’ll take a second pass at the script, often really changing some things, and trimming the early over-written pages.
We each take a copy of the script home, make notes, single out jokes that could be better, suggested cuts, and any story issues that still bother one of us, then come in the next day and do another pass.
And that’s it. When we’re happy with the draft we send it in.
Then come network notes, and if the show is greenlit to be made, we revise based on casting, and do our usual due diligence once the pilot is in production. We attend daily runthroughs and go back to the office to rewrite. We’re generally rewriting up until the director says “That’s a wrap.”
As for the time frame: Let’s start from the point where we have an idea for a series. And let’s pretend we don’t have to stop while we wait for some bureaucratic approval. Several weeks for the character descriptions, story, and outline work. Once we start writing the draft it takes us about two weeks. We can write an episode of a series in three days if we have to, but a pilot is different. We’re swimming in unfamiliar waters. We talk things out more, we experiment more, we make mid-course corrections.
Once the first draft is turned in there are many more rewrites, which could be minor and only require a day or two, or major requiring another week or two.
That’s a very general description and timeline. Every pilot is a little different. Some have time limits attached, others don’t. Some stories fall together easily, others we’ve had to wrestle to the ground. Pilots are a bitch. But when they work and you’re on the stage and a hundred people are employed because of an idea you had one day sitting at In & Out, it’s pretty cool.
Monday, July 18, 2016
Sunday, July 17, 2016
Join me in New York
I'm heading to New York today to begin guest-teaching for a week at NYU. For some reason they have me teaching comedy writing. I also plan to stand in the half-price ticket line and get good seats for HAMILTON. I assume I'll have my pick of nights.
Unfortunately, I missed the Justin Bieber concert by a week. But I love New York and you could find me pretty much anywhere in Manhattan -- except the Trump Tower.
On Wednesday night I'll be participating in a free panel that's open to the public. If you're in the area and not glued to the convention swing by. Even though that's an old picture of me I'll be saying new stuff. Seating is limited. You have to RSVP here.
I hope my Metro Card is still good.
Unfortunately, I missed the Justin Bieber concert by a week. But I love New York and you could find me pretty much anywhere in Manhattan -- except the Trump Tower.
On Wednesday night I'll be participating in a free panel that's open to the public. If you're in the area and not glued to the convention swing by. Even though that's an old picture of me I'll be saying new stuff. Seating is limited. You have to RSVP here.
I hope my Metro Card is still good.
Saturday, July 16, 2016
Misc. Takes
In no order of importance...
Anthony Anderson co-announced the Emmy nominations on Thursday and what a swell job he did. He said he couldn’t pronounce a name even though it was written phonetically for him. The unpronounceable name: Tatiana Maslany.
He also screamed and whooped whenever announcing an African-American nominee. Hey, Anthony, ALL nominees matter.
TRANSPARENT is an excellent show but does not belong in the Best Comedy category. I hope any of the other nominees win.
Alec Baldwin is a hoot on the new MATCH GAME.
Ballplayers have the most bizarre injuries. Here’s the latest: Texas Rangers pitcher Jake Diekman cut his left index finger on a souvenir CHEERS mug. Nice to know I’m still involved in the game somehow.
With all the shit going on in the world, I’m amazed that people are losing their minds because the new GHOSTBUSTERS are all women. Seriously? That’s a major issue?
Meanwhile, Deadline Hollywood had this headline: Cast & Crew of ‘Fifty Shades’ Sequel Confirmed Safe After Attacks in Nice, France. Whew!
I won’t be going to Comic-Con. My Underdog costume will have to sit in the closet for another year.
Wow! The prison in SUITS looks nicer than most Grand Hyatt’s.
Congratulations to Cheryl Dolins just named the SVP of Comedy Development for 20th Century Fox. She’s a terrific person and great executive.
Notable Emmy snub: Stephen Colbert not nominated for Late Night while Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, AND James Corden were.
BRAINDEAD is moving to Sundays during the Republican Convention. Is anyone still watching that show? I’m just about to give up.
Mick Jagger is going to be a father at age 72. This will be his 8th. He’s now only 49 behind Screaming Jay Hawkins. Get busy, Mick.
Headline in the Huffington Post: The U.S. Wastes Half Of All Produce Because It’s Not Instagram-Worthy.
Congrats to all the Emmy nominees. Note to Academy: Get anyone other than Anthony Anderson to announce the nominations next year.
Anthony Anderson co-announced the Emmy nominations on Thursday and what a swell job he did. He said he couldn’t pronounce a name even though it was written phonetically for him. The unpronounceable name: Tatiana Maslany.
He also screamed and whooped whenever announcing an African-American nominee. Hey, Anthony, ALL nominees matter.
TRANSPARENT is an excellent show but does not belong in the Best Comedy category. I hope any of the other nominees win.
Alec Baldwin is a hoot on the new MATCH GAME.
Ballplayers have the most bizarre injuries. Here’s the latest: Texas Rangers pitcher Jake Diekman cut his left index finger on a souvenir CHEERS mug. Nice to know I’m still involved in the game somehow.
With all the shit going on in the world, I’m amazed that people are losing their minds because the new GHOSTBUSTERS are all women. Seriously? That’s a major issue?
Meanwhile, Deadline Hollywood had this headline: Cast & Crew of ‘Fifty Shades’ Sequel Confirmed Safe After Attacks in Nice, France. Whew!
I won’t be going to Comic-Con. My Underdog costume will have to sit in the closet for another year.
Wow! The prison in SUITS looks nicer than most Grand Hyatt’s.
Congratulations to Cheryl Dolins just named the SVP of Comedy Development for 20th Century Fox. She’s a terrific person and great executive.
Notable Emmy snub: Stephen Colbert not nominated for Late Night while Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, AND James Corden were.
BRAINDEAD is moving to Sundays during the Republican Convention. Is anyone still watching that show? I’m just about to give up.
Mick Jagger is going to be a father at age 72. This will be his 8th. He’s now only 49 behind Screaming Jay Hawkins. Get busy, Mick.
Headline in the Huffington Post: The U.S. Wastes Half Of All Produce Because It’s Not Instagram-Worthy.
Congrats to all the Emmy nominees. Note to Academy: Get anyone other than Anthony Anderson to announce the nominations next year.
Friday, July 15, 2016
Friday Questions
What better to celebrate the summer than with some Friday Questions?
Keeper Of Records gets us started.
With Atlanta being such a hotbed of production lately, and Fallon bringing The Tonight Show back to New York after 40-some years, LA seems to have lost a lot of its cachet. The rise of Youtube and online video means you can be famous no matter where you are. So how much does "Hollywood" really matter in this day and age?
Quite a bit because shows may be produced in Vancouver and Atlanta but the decisions to make them are made in Hollywood. Screw the cameras. That's where the power is.
Plus, don’t kid yourself – there’s still a lot of film and TV production going on in Glitter City. If you don’t believe me, just drive somewhere in Los Angeles when you’re in a hurry and you’ll find a traffic snarl due to some Goddamn filming.
Mark asks:
Being outside the profession, I've assumed that a writer's room would have a variety of talents just like a bullpen will have a variety of talents available (set up guy, hard throwing left-hander, a Jamie Moyer type, etc). Like a writer who maybe can't write a script but comes up with great jokes, or can edit really, really well. Someone who comes up with great stories but isn't great with dialogue. Writer's can't do it all so what deficiencies would you accept, and is it like a bullpen in that regard?
Putting together a writing staff is like putting together a baseball team. There are some players who can field but not hit, or hit but can’t run, or can just pitch to lefthanders, etc. Then there are the rare “five tool” players. They can hit for average, hit for power, field, run, and have great throwing arms. But since there are precious few of those, you sign players who bring certain strengths.
Same is true on a writing staff. Ideally, you want a writer who is a whiz with story, turns out great drafts, and is a joke machine in the room. But realistically, you might hire someone because he’s very funny in the room but weak on drafts, or someone who turns out terrific scripts but is very quiet during rewrites. You might want someone who is extremely clever when it comes to plotting stories or fixing stories but he’s not a good joke man.
The key is accepting that not all writers are five-tool guys. This is why a lot of comedy writers team up. They combine their strengths and minimize their weaknesses.
Cheryl Marks queries:
Stage version of Cheers, good idea or bad?
Depends on whether I get royalties.
Seriously, I’m not sure it is a great idea. Audiences will be comparing the cast of the stage version to the “reallys” and at best they’ll be decent mimics.
It's not like a play where everyone does Hamlet. There’s really only one Sam Malone and that’s Ted Danson. And even he can't play Sam Malone anymore.
My other concern is the content. The book writer will be cutting and pasting from existing scripts I understand but if he doesn’t really understand the characters, tone, or style of what we were going for he’ll likely miss the mark. Seems to me it would have been much smarter for the producers to seek out actual CHEERS writers. Not everyone can write this show. And just watching and studying the episodes doesn’t mean you figure it out.
But who knows? This guy could do a spectacular job.
Still, it’s a gimmick, trying to capitalize on a franchise. I wish Broadway and the theater scene would develop more new material instead of remaking movies and TV shows.
Unless I get royalties. Then I think someone should do “MASH: the Musical.”
From Hamp:
What's your take/thoughts on all the "after the show" talk shows like Talking Dead, After the Black, and After the Thrones?
Anything that adds to fan interest in a show is a good thing. And if the recap show is sponsored it gives the network a chance to recoup a little of the cost of the show.
That said, most of these shows bore me. It’s generally cast members and showrunners fawning all over themselves about how great they are. And the hosts are giant toadies.
There’s usually a lot of inside laughter and clichéd answers. Rarely do I get genuine insight.
Too bad they didn’t have shows in the ‘80s. Would have loved to have seen AFTER-AFTERMASH.
Way more fun is watching bonus tracks on DVD’s when Vince Gilligan is doing them. I actually learn things.
Keeper Of Records gets us started.
With Atlanta being such a hotbed of production lately, and Fallon bringing The Tonight Show back to New York after 40-some years, LA seems to have lost a lot of its cachet. The rise of Youtube and online video means you can be famous no matter where you are. So how much does "Hollywood" really matter in this day and age?
Quite a bit because shows may be produced in Vancouver and Atlanta but the decisions to make them are made in Hollywood. Screw the cameras. That's where the power is.
Plus, don’t kid yourself – there’s still a lot of film and TV production going on in Glitter City. If you don’t believe me, just drive somewhere in Los Angeles when you’re in a hurry and you’ll find a traffic snarl due to some Goddamn filming.
Mark asks:
Being outside the profession, I've assumed that a writer's room would have a variety of talents just like a bullpen will have a variety of talents available (set up guy, hard throwing left-hander, a Jamie Moyer type, etc). Like a writer who maybe can't write a script but comes up with great jokes, or can edit really, really well. Someone who comes up with great stories but isn't great with dialogue. Writer's can't do it all so what deficiencies would you accept, and is it like a bullpen in that regard?
Putting together a writing staff is like putting together a baseball team. There are some players who can field but not hit, or hit but can’t run, or can just pitch to lefthanders, etc. Then there are the rare “five tool” players. They can hit for average, hit for power, field, run, and have great throwing arms. But since there are precious few of those, you sign players who bring certain strengths.
Same is true on a writing staff. Ideally, you want a writer who is a whiz with story, turns out great drafts, and is a joke machine in the room. But realistically, you might hire someone because he’s very funny in the room but weak on drafts, or someone who turns out terrific scripts but is very quiet during rewrites. You might want someone who is extremely clever when it comes to plotting stories or fixing stories but he’s not a good joke man.
The key is accepting that not all writers are five-tool guys. This is why a lot of comedy writers team up. They combine their strengths and minimize their weaknesses.
Cheryl Marks queries:
Stage version of Cheers, good idea or bad?
Depends on whether I get royalties.
Seriously, I’m not sure it is a great idea. Audiences will be comparing the cast of the stage version to the “reallys” and at best they’ll be decent mimics.
It's not like a play where everyone does Hamlet. There’s really only one Sam Malone and that’s Ted Danson. And even he can't play Sam Malone anymore.
My other concern is the content. The book writer will be cutting and pasting from existing scripts I understand but if he doesn’t really understand the characters, tone, or style of what we were going for he’ll likely miss the mark. Seems to me it would have been much smarter for the producers to seek out actual CHEERS writers. Not everyone can write this show. And just watching and studying the episodes doesn’t mean you figure it out.
But who knows? This guy could do a spectacular job.
Still, it’s a gimmick, trying to capitalize on a franchise. I wish Broadway and the theater scene would develop more new material instead of remaking movies and TV shows.
Unless I get royalties. Then I think someone should do “MASH: the Musical.”
From Hamp:
What's your take/thoughts on all the "after the show" talk shows like Talking Dead, After the Black, and After the Thrones?
That said, most of these shows bore me. It’s generally cast members and showrunners fawning all over themselves about how great they are. And the hosts are giant toadies.
There’s usually a lot of inside laughter and clichéd answers. Rarely do I get genuine insight.
Too bad they didn’t have shows in the ‘80s. Would have loved to have seen AFTER-AFTERMASH.
Way more fun is watching bonus tracks on DVD’s when Vince Gilligan is doing them. I actually learn things.
Thursday, July 14, 2016
Your punchlines
Thank you all sooooo much for participating in yesterday’s exercise. You had some GREAT jokes. Mine is posted at the very bottom.
What I want to do today is use this as a teaching exercise. I’m listing some of the jokes I thought really scored along with a bunch that I felt didn’t hit the mark (and I will briefly explain why). I want to stress that these are just SOME of the jokes that worked. There were a lot more.
I don’t list anyone’s name. Again, the point of this is to illustrate how specific joke writing is and how tough comedy writers are on the construction of a joke.
For Johnny to sense his girlfriend was seeing someone else either something about her behavior changed, which specifically led him to the conclusion she was cheating, or he discovered something. And there had to be some comic spin. For example: He found out she was getting married to someone else. That satisfies the requirement but there’s no spin. If he goes to his wedding but discovers there’s someone else at the altar that has more of a spin. Do you see the difference?
What’s a little tricky with this particular joke is the reader has to connect the dots. Without explicitly saying why “Kanye West dedicated his new album to her” the reader has to know the significance of Kanye West. A good joke generally requires three things:
Information, set up, punchline.
So that information has to be there. But it has to be clear and quick for the reader to make a direct connection. If the information is ambiguous – if it can be interpreted in different ways – the reader won’t instantly get the reference.
Sometimes in trying to give a joke some spin the writer will go overboard, giving the punchline twist after twist. If the joke gets too convoluted, if the reader has to connect too many dots you will lose him. So two big problems are “no spin” and “too much spin.”
Anyway, here we go. First some submissions I thought worked well. Again, the set up:
JOHNNY KNEW HIS GIRLFRIEND WAS SEEING SOMEONE ELSE WHEN__________ .
...he saw a new name under his on her list of back tattoos.
When she wrote "Have a good life" on his Valentine's card.
...when his toothbrush was always wet when he got home on Wednesdays.
when she shaved her legs before having lunch with her "mother".
...when Kanye West dedicated his new album to her.
...when her parrot suddenly starting saying "Oh Bridget, make me come!"
… when she said her hero was Tiger Woods. She didn't play golf.
...he felt three hands on his butt during sex.
when the bell hop at the hotel complimented him on his weight loss and new haircut.
when the cop told him, "Sir, I'm not telling you again. You don't live here anymore; you have to leave."
When they walked in to the Swingers Club for the first time, all the guys saw her and yelled, "Norma!"
When she accidentally sent Johnny a text saying "You are so good in bed."
Her phone automatically connected to his best friend's wifi.
... she became a Republican.
...she started buying condoms at Costco. (I have a joke just like this in A OR B?)
when he met the postman leaving the apartment....twice a day
"their" new baby was black and he's not. (That actually happened to a certain Major League ballplayer years ago.)
... when he took her out to dinner on Valentine's Day and the maitre d handed her the scarf she'd left behind at lunch.
Her Facebook status changed to "It's Complicated".
when he didn't see her on payday.
-When he called her and said "it's your boy friend", she asked him to be more specific.
... she went to couples counseling without him.
When a 2nd "His" towel appeared on the towel rack.
she asked him to be the godfather of her next child
when, upon meeting his girlfriend's mom, she said "Nice to meet you, Harry!"
...he read a 10th Wedding Anniversary announcement about her in the paper.
she returned from her scrapbooking class in a cocktail dress.
...she said she was going out for a pack of cigarettes -- and she took everything she owned with her.
he noticed notches in her dress belt.
... when he saw an Ashley Madison charge on his credit card.
... everybody kept consoling that other guy at her funeral.
... divorce lawyers began sending him kitchen magnets and notepads.
... she knew what an orgasm was.
... she called to say she'd be home late from work, but didn't have a job.
... she suggested they have date nights - Fridays for her; Saturdays for him.
when the minister at their wedding asked whether anyone had any reason why they shouldn't be wed, and half the men in the church raised their hands.
And now the ones that still aren’t perfect yet.
when her underwear started falling off him. (Funny idea but you have to go through a lot of steps to get there.)
She showed up wearing an "I'm With Stupid" T-Shirt. (that could mean a lot of things. He could be stupid for many reasons.)
When she put him at the kids' table for her wedding... (“kids” throws this off. Why not any other table at their wedding? Kids implies he’s immature.)
Her dog didn't hump his leg when he got there: in fact, it was already smoking its cigarette. (convoluted and huh???)
...the oven repairman needed to fix the faulty gas valve located behind the headboard of her bedroom. On the plus side, the "yes, yes, yes!" he heard clearly showed he was making good progress... (see comment from the last entry.)
... his wife asked him why he was so horny lately. (This suggests that Johnny is not getting sex, but there are many reasons why a wife would withhold sex.)
...she gave him a madlib to fill out: "I'm (Verb) on you with (name) because you never (verb). You bastard." (Also convoluted.)
Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when she texted that she felt guilty and wanted to stop seeing him. (Real event that could happen. No spin.)
he heard her ringtone "Secret Lover." (Doesn’t necessarily mean she’s seeing someone else, just that she likes that song.)
he met her at a couples retreat. (He could assume he’d be the other half of the couple. Not clear. If she went to a couples retreat without him that’s a different story.)
Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when he noticed her lazy eye. (“Lazy eye” is not a roaming eye. Not totally clear.)
...when she would only make love to him in the fetal position. (She could be in the fetal position for many other reasons.)
when she started referring to him as, 'oh, you again..' (There are many reasons why she might say that. She’s tired of him. He comes around too often, etc.)
-- his stuff was out on the curb when he came home... to his own apartment. (That could just mean a fight.)
when she said she was just kidding about that whole "why aren't we engaged" thing a few months back. (Lots of reasons why she might want to back out of the engagement.)
Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when she called out the wrong name as they were making love... then corrected herself with yet another wrong name. (Implies she’s seeing two guys.)
...when her "me" time became "three" time. (She was having a threesome? Not clear.)
when she showed up to get her things in her new habits uniform. (This says she’s going to be a nun not seeing another man.)
...she re-tweeted Tony's podcast announcement. (I don’t get it.)
...he found his car's brake lines had been cut as he careened off a cliff down the Springfield Gorge. (She could have tried to kill him for numerous reasons.)
-- two years passed by without a word from her. He didn't jump to conclusions quickly, but when he did, he was certain. Well, pretty certain. He'd give her just six more months.... (Convoluted and it says that Johnny was incapable of confrontations.)
When the milkman stopped delivering. (Maybe there was a milkman strike. Multiple reasons why the milkman would stop delivering.)
when his mother called him and told him: "Don't worry, they won't last!" (Very straight forward. Not enough of a comic spin.)
bought bacon. (Why would his buying bacon suggest his girlfriend is cheating?)
... as he walked in to her bedroom as she finished getting ready for their date, and asked "What perfume are you wearing?" and a voice from the closet said "L'air du Temps." Nobody heard the voice under the bed mumble, "And it was damn expensive too!" (Let’s see – convoluted, this suggests a threesome, and the logic issue of why would these guys answer?)
...she enthusiastically replied: "Great! Have fun!" when he suggested going backpacking in Asia for three weeks. (That could means she just hates camping.)
she got into the Titanic's life boat and didn't wave good-bye. (Means she was glad to get rid of him, not necessarily that she was cheating. I know it’s a fine distinction, but just that little bit could be the difference between a line getting or not getting a laugh.)
...he caught his boyfriend wearing her panties. (Suggests he’s gay. It’s what we call a “joke on a joke” – the two sort of cancel each other out.)
She was waiting for him at the airport, holding a sign with his name on it. (This suggests she just can’t remember faces. Or he's been gone so long she's forgotten what he looks like. But that still doesn't clearly establish "affair.")
He saw a sex tape of her with another guy on a porn site. (Very straight forward. These are called “Like a Jokes.” They have the rhythm of a joke but the punchline is more of a straight line.)
... when she said, "I'm seeing someone else." (As straight forward as you can get.)
his DVR was filled with episodes of 'The L Word.' (That just says he likes watching hot girl on girl action.)
When I told her I bought a pack of condoms and she asked if I kept the Receipt. (That merely says she doesn’t want to have sex with him.)
Okay. 'Nuff said.
I know in some cases I’m really being a stickler, but that’s what we do. A tremendous amount of scrutiny goes into each and every line. Comics will tell you they sometimes require five or six versions before a joke is just right. Taking out one word, or substituting one word could make all the difference. Oh, and on top of that – it’s truly an inexact science. You may craft the absolutely perfect joke and if the air conditioning isn’t working it dies a horrible death. But it’s sure fun trying, isn’t it? Thanks again to everyone for participating. You’re welcome to keep submitting.
And now, this was my submission in Andy Goldberg’s class:
…she got a Christmas Card from Bill Clinton.
What I want to do today is use this as a teaching exercise. I’m listing some of the jokes I thought really scored along with a bunch that I felt didn’t hit the mark (and I will briefly explain why). I want to stress that these are just SOME of the jokes that worked. There were a lot more.
I don’t list anyone’s name. Again, the point of this is to illustrate how specific joke writing is and how tough comedy writers are on the construction of a joke.
For Johnny to sense his girlfriend was seeing someone else either something about her behavior changed, which specifically led him to the conclusion she was cheating, or he discovered something. And there had to be some comic spin. For example: He found out she was getting married to someone else. That satisfies the requirement but there’s no spin. If he goes to his wedding but discovers there’s someone else at the altar that has more of a spin. Do you see the difference?
What’s a little tricky with this particular joke is the reader has to connect the dots. Without explicitly saying why “Kanye West dedicated his new album to her” the reader has to know the significance of Kanye West. A good joke generally requires three things:
Information, set up, punchline.
So that information has to be there. But it has to be clear and quick for the reader to make a direct connection. If the information is ambiguous – if it can be interpreted in different ways – the reader won’t instantly get the reference.
Sometimes in trying to give a joke some spin the writer will go overboard, giving the punchline twist after twist. If the joke gets too convoluted, if the reader has to connect too many dots you will lose him. So two big problems are “no spin” and “too much spin.”
Anyway, here we go. First some submissions I thought worked well. Again, the set up:
JOHNNY KNEW HIS GIRLFRIEND WAS SEEING SOMEONE ELSE WHEN__________ .
...he saw a new name under his on her list of back tattoos.
When she wrote "Have a good life" on his Valentine's card.
...when his toothbrush was always wet when he got home on Wednesdays.
when she shaved her legs before having lunch with her "mother".
...when Kanye West dedicated his new album to her.
...when her parrot suddenly starting saying "Oh Bridget, make me come!"
… when she said her hero was Tiger Woods. She didn't play golf.
...he felt three hands on his butt during sex.
when the bell hop at the hotel complimented him on his weight loss and new haircut.
when the cop told him, "Sir, I'm not telling you again. You don't live here anymore; you have to leave."
When they walked in to the Swingers Club for the first time, all the guys saw her and yelled, "Norma!"
When she accidentally sent Johnny a text saying "You are so good in bed."
Her phone automatically connected to his best friend's wifi.
... she became a Republican.
...she started buying condoms at Costco. (I have a joke just like this in A OR B?)
when he met the postman leaving the apartment....twice a day
"their" new baby was black and he's not. (That actually happened to a certain Major League ballplayer years ago.)
... when he took her out to dinner on Valentine's Day and the maitre d handed her the scarf she'd left behind at lunch.
Her Facebook status changed to "It's Complicated".
when he didn't see her on payday.
-When he called her and said "it's your boy friend", she asked him to be more specific.
... she went to couples counseling without him.
When a 2nd "His" towel appeared on the towel rack.
she asked him to be the godfather of her next child
when, upon meeting his girlfriend's mom, she said "Nice to meet you, Harry!"
...he read a 10th Wedding Anniversary announcement about her in the paper.
she returned from her scrapbooking class in a cocktail dress.
...she said she was going out for a pack of cigarettes -- and she took everything she owned with her.
he noticed notches in her dress belt.
... when he saw an Ashley Madison charge on his credit card.
... everybody kept consoling that other guy at her funeral.
... divorce lawyers began sending him kitchen magnets and notepads.
... she knew what an orgasm was.
... she called to say she'd be home late from work, but didn't have a job.
... she suggested they have date nights - Fridays for her; Saturdays for him.
when the minister at their wedding asked whether anyone had any reason why they shouldn't be wed, and half the men in the church raised their hands.
And now the ones that still aren’t perfect yet.
when her underwear started falling off him. (Funny idea but you have to go through a lot of steps to get there.)
She showed up wearing an "I'm With Stupid" T-Shirt. (that could mean a lot of things. He could be stupid for many reasons.)
When she put him at the kids' table for her wedding... (“kids” throws this off. Why not any other table at their wedding? Kids implies he’s immature.)
Her dog didn't hump his leg when he got there: in fact, it was already smoking its cigarette. (convoluted and huh???)
...the oven repairman needed to fix the faulty gas valve located behind the headboard of her bedroom. On the plus side, the "yes, yes, yes!" he heard clearly showed he was making good progress... (see comment from the last entry.)
... his wife asked him why he was so horny lately. (This suggests that Johnny is not getting sex, but there are many reasons why a wife would withhold sex.)
...she gave him a madlib to fill out: "I'm (Verb) on you with (name) because you never (verb). You bastard." (Also convoluted.)
Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when she texted that she felt guilty and wanted to stop seeing him. (Real event that could happen. No spin.)
he heard her ringtone "Secret Lover." (Doesn’t necessarily mean she’s seeing someone else, just that she likes that song.)
he met her at a couples retreat. (He could assume he’d be the other half of the couple. Not clear. If she went to a couples retreat without him that’s a different story.)
Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when he noticed her lazy eye. (“Lazy eye” is not a roaming eye. Not totally clear.)
...when she would only make love to him in the fetal position. (She could be in the fetal position for many other reasons.)
when she started referring to him as, 'oh, you again..' (There are many reasons why she might say that. She’s tired of him. He comes around too often, etc.)
-- his stuff was out on the curb when he came home... to his own apartment. (That could just mean a fight.)
when she said she was just kidding about that whole "why aren't we engaged" thing a few months back. (Lots of reasons why she might want to back out of the engagement.)
Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when she called out the wrong name as they were making love... then corrected herself with yet another wrong name. (Implies she’s seeing two guys.)
...when her "me" time became "three" time. (She was having a threesome? Not clear.)
when she showed up to get her things in her new habits uniform. (This says she’s going to be a nun not seeing another man.)
...she re-tweeted Tony's podcast announcement. (I don’t get it.)
...he found his car's brake lines had been cut as he careened off a cliff down the Springfield Gorge. (She could have tried to kill him for numerous reasons.)
-- two years passed by without a word from her. He didn't jump to conclusions quickly, but when he did, he was certain. Well, pretty certain. He'd give her just six more months.... (Convoluted and it says that Johnny was incapable of confrontations.)
When the milkman stopped delivering. (Maybe there was a milkman strike. Multiple reasons why the milkman would stop delivering.)
when his mother called him and told him: "Don't worry, they won't last!" (Very straight forward. Not enough of a comic spin.)
bought bacon. (Why would his buying bacon suggest his girlfriend is cheating?)
... as he walked in to her bedroom as she finished getting ready for their date, and asked "What perfume are you wearing?" and a voice from the closet said "L'air du Temps." Nobody heard the voice under the bed mumble, "And it was damn expensive too!" (Let’s see – convoluted, this suggests a threesome, and the logic issue of why would these guys answer?)
...she enthusiastically replied: "Great! Have fun!" when he suggested going backpacking in Asia for three weeks. (That could means she just hates camping.)
she got into the Titanic's life boat and didn't wave good-bye. (Means she was glad to get rid of him, not necessarily that she was cheating. I know it’s a fine distinction, but just that little bit could be the difference between a line getting or not getting a laugh.)
...he caught his boyfriend wearing her panties. (Suggests he’s gay. It’s what we call a “joke on a joke” – the two sort of cancel each other out.)
She was waiting for him at the airport, holding a sign with his name on it. (This suggests she just can’t remember faces. Or he's been gone so long she's forgotten what he looks like. But that still doesn't clearly establish "affair.")
He saw a sex tape of her with another guy on a porn site. (Very straight forward. These are called “Like a Jokes.” They have the rhythm of a joke but the punchline is more of a straight line.)
... when she said, "I'm seeing someone else." (As straight forward as you can get.)
his DVR was filled with episodes of 'The L Word.' (That just says he likes watching hot girl on girl action.)
When I told her I bought a pack of condoms and she asked if I kept the Receipt. (That merely says she doesn’t want to have sex with him.)
Okay. 'Nuff said.
I know in some cases I’m really being a stickler, but that’s what we do. A tremendous amount of scrutiny goes into each and every line. Comics will tell you they sometimes require five or six versions before a joke is just right. Taking out one word, or substituting one word could make all the difference. Oh, and on top of that – it’s truly an inexact science. You may craft the absolutely perfect joke and if the air conditioning isn’t working it dies a horrible death. But it’s sure fun trying, isn’t it? Thanks again to everyone for participating. You’re welcome to keep submitting.
And now, this was my submission in Andy Goldberg’s class:
…she got a Christmas Card from Bill Clinton.
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
You write the punchline
I did this once before and it was great fun. I provide the set-up and you guys provide the punchline. Tomorrow I discuss some of them. And tell you what I wrote. Sorry, no prizes to give away. I'm a poor blogger. This exercise comes courtesy of Andy Goldberg's improv class. Leave your punchlines in the comment section. You're welcome to submit up to five. And don't worry if yours is similar to someone else's. I'll just assume you didn't read the entries before yours. You don't have to repeat the set-up -- just fill in your answer.
Okay, are you ready? Here we go.
JOHNNY KNEW HIS GIRLFRIEND WAS SEEING SOMEONE ELSE WHEN__________ .
Good luck. Have fun. Be funny. Check in periodically today to see some of the submissions. And thanks in advance for playing the game.
Okay, are you ready? Here we go.
JOHNNY KNEW HIS GIRLFRIEND WAS SEEING SOMEONE ELSE WHEN__________ .
Good luck. Have fun. Be funny. Check in periodically today to see some of the submissions. And thanks in advance for playing the game.
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
#TheOneWhereJonMarriesAnnie
I thought I’d take a break from my television rants, misguided observations of life, and attempts at humor to share a brief account of a special day – Annie Levine & Jonathan Emerson’s wedding last Sunday. Along with photos of people you don’t know.
The actual wedding was at a very cool art deco restaurant called Cicada in the historic Oviatt building in downtown Los Angeles. Scenes from many movies were shot in that building including DOUBLE INDEMNITY. And Cicada gets a lot of screen time too. Many scenes from MAD MEN were filmed there, and it served as the primary set for last year’s AMERICAN HORROR STORY (but we had them clean up all the blood before the ceremony).
Everyone stayed at the nearby Biltmore – it’s one of those classic old European-type hotels. Think: the Plaza in New York (although I told Annie “Don’t even think about recreating the wedding scene from PLAZA SUITE).
Downtown has undergone a real transformation over the last decade. Parts are becoming gentrified and hip, but there are still enough homeless people and psychotics shouting obscenities to ensure that the real downtown remains preserved.
My wife and I had a suite so that we could use the sitting area to provide hair and make up for the bridal party. We had a fabulous view of Pershing Square right across the street. Unfortunately, on Saturday they had some sort of salsa festival and it was like the bands were in our room. But that only lasted for eight hours… both days.
Saturday we had an actual wedding rehearsal. Some real thought went into this. It reminded me of the runthrough we had before taping THE DATING GAME. Meanwhile, they were setting up for that night’s event – the wrap party for RISSOLI AND ISLES. Several of the guys in the wedding party were hoping on Sunday to find Angie Harmon passed out under a table.
But we all got lovely gifts from the happy couple and no one asked “What is my motivation?”
Later that afternoon we held a reception for all the out-of-town guests. I offered suggestions on what attractions to see in LA. Jon’s relatives wanted to know which studio tour to take; mine wondered where they’d see the most celebrity graves.
The Emersons hosted a muy bueno rehearsal dinner at a fun nearby Mexican restaurant. Gracias Michael & Becky. I have no idea what was in those tacos (or drinks) but they were delicious. We parents gave our speeches and there was not a dry seat in the house.
Sunday the festivities began in earnest. Hair and make-up in our suite starting at 9:30. Coffee and sweetrolls were provided. The fathers and groomsmen took five minutes to put on suits. We met down at Jon & Annie’s suite where the Markers Mark was.
Annie looked spectacular in her wedding gown.
Next were all the family pictures. I recognized most of the people I was in the photos with.
Now it was time to go to Cicada for the main event. We all walked the block from the hotel to the venue. Several of the homeless guys wished “Mazol tov” to the bride.
Cicada was beautifully decorated. Alas, no Angie Harmon sleeping it off in the men’s room.
Two of Annie’s closest friends couldn’t attend because they were both in Israel. As a surprise, Jon arranged for them to join us via Skype. Rarely do you see people holding up iPads during the ceremony. By the way, it was 4:00 AM in Israel. That’s how close these friends were.
Otherwise, we had about 135 friends, relatives, and ten of the best unemployed comedy writers in Hollywood.
A harp player accompanied the wedding procession with theme songs from classic sitcoms. These out of work writers wrote on most of these iconic series.
The ceremony itself was touching, emotional, and joyous. Annie & Jon each wrote vows that were both heartfelt and hilarious. I’d tell them to write RomComs if RomComs didn’t now suck.
Then came the Hora, the Jewish line dance of celebration and confusion followed by maybe my least favorite tradition, raising the bride & groom and then parents in chairs. Safer is Wile E. Coyote getting on an Acme rocket.
The highlight of the dancing, eating, cake cutting, toasting, schmoozing portion of the festivities was my wife Debby organizing all the women to sing “Sunrise/Sunset.” You cannot have a Jewish wedding without that song. They performed it way better than the Broadway production starring Harvey Feirstein and Rosie O’Donnell.
Obviously it was a bittersweet night. What daddy can really let go of his little girl? But Annie has made the perfect choice. Jonathan Emerson is everything a father could ever want for his daughter. If anyone loves her as much as me I know it’s him.
So all and all, this was a magic night of love and laughter. Annie and Debby did a spectacular job planning this wedding. Every tiny detail was taken care of. And we'll appreciate their efforts even more when we see what a clusterfuck these upcoming Olympics in Brazil are.
Now Annie & Jon start their lives together. I know they'll do great. As I said in my speech, I look forward to the day – and this will happen – that I’ll be known in the industry as Annie Levine’s father and known in life as Annie Emerson’s father.
The actual wedding was at a very cool art deco restaurant called Cicada in the historic Oviatt building in downtown Los Angeles. Scenes from many movies were shot in that building including DOUBLE INDEMNITY. And Cicada gets a lot of screen time too. Many scenes from MAD MEN were filmed there, and it served as the primary set for last year’s AMERICAN HORROR STORY (but we had them clean up all the blood before the ceremony).
Everyone stayed at the nearby Biltmore – it’s one of those classic old European-type hotels. Think: the Plaza in New York (although I told Annie “Don’t even think about recreating the wedding scene from PLAZA SUITE).
Downtown has undergone a real transformation over the last decade. Parts are becoming gentrified and hip, but there are still enough homeless people and psychotics shouting obscenities to ensure that the real downtown remains preserved.
My wife and I had a suite so that we could use the sitting area to provide hair and make up for the bridal party. We had a fabulous view of Pershing Square right across the street. Unfortunately, on Saturday they had some sort of salsa festival and it was like the bands were in our room. But that only lasted for eight hours… both days.
Saturday we had an actual wedding rehearsal. Some real thought went into this. It reminded me of the runthrough we had before taping THE DATING GAME. Meanwhile, they were setting up for that night’s event – the wrap party for RISSOLI AND ISLES. Several of the guys in the wedding party were hoping on Sunday to find Angie Harmon passed out under a table.
But we all got lovely gifts from the happy couple and no one asked “What is my motivation?”
Later that afternoon we held a reception for all the out-of-town guests. I offered suggestions on what attractions to see in LA. Jon’s relatives wanted to know which studio tour to take; mine wondered where they’d see the most celebrity graves.
The Emersons hosted a muy bueno rehearsal dinner at a fun nearby Mexican restaurant. Gracias Michael & Becky. I have no idea what was in those tacos (or drinks) but they were delicious. We parents gave our speeches and there was not a dry seat in the house.
Sunday the festivities began in earnest. Hair and make-up in our suite starting at 9:30. Coffee and sweetrolls were provided. The fathers and groomsmen took five minutes to put on suits. We met down at Jon & Annie’s suite where the Markers Mark was.
Annie looked spectacular in her wedding gown.
Now it was time to go to Cicada for the main event. We all walked the block from the hotel to the venue. Several of the homeless guys wished “Mazol tov” to the bride.
Cicada was beautifully decorated. Alas, no Angie Harmon sleeping it off in the men’s room.
Two of Annie’s closest friends couldn’t attend because they were both in Israel. As a surprise, Jon arranged for them to join us via Skype. Rarely do you see people holding up iPads during the ceremony. By the way, it was 4:00 AM in Israel. That’s how close these friends were.
Otherwise, we had about 135 friends, relatives, and ten of the best unemployed comedy writers in Hollywood. A harp player accompanied the wedding procession with theme songs from classic sitcoms. These out of work writers wrote on most of these iconic series.
The ceremony itself was touching, emotional, and joyous. Annie & Jon each wrote vows that were both heartfelt and hilarious. I’d tell them to write RomComs if RomComs didn’t now suck.
Then came the Hora, the Jewish line dance of celebration and confusion followed by maybe my least favorite tradition, raising the bride & groom and then parents in chairs. Safer is Wile E. Coyote getting on an Acme rocket.
The highlight of the dancing, eating, cake cutting, toasting, schmoozing portion of the festivities was my wife Debby organizing all the women to sing “Sunrise/Sunset.” You cannot have a Jewish wedding without that song. They performed it way better than the Broadway production starring Harvey Feirstein and Rosie O’Donnell.
Obviously it was a bittersweet night. What daddy can really let go of his little girl? But Annie has made the perfect choice. Jonathan Emerson is everything a father could ever want for his daughter. If anyone loves her as much as me I know it’s him.
So all and all, this was a magic night of love and laughter. Annie and Debby did a spectacular job planning this wedding. Every tiny detail was taken care of. And we'll appreciate their efforts even more when we see what a clusterfuck these upcoming Olympics in Brazil are.
Now Annie & Jon start their lives together. I know they'll do great. As I said in my speech, I look forward to the day – and this will happen – that I’ll be known in the industry as Annie Levine’s father and known in life as Annie Emerson’s father.
Monday, July 11, 2016
Actors and actresses who are gone but should come back
There are some actors you never see anymore. (And in some cases that’s fine. Not having a Mike Myers movie every year has not left a huge void.) But there are those actors that I miss. To my knowledge they’re currently retired, out of work, or are flying under the radar. I apologize if one or two of them is starring in a TV series I just don’t know on a network I’ve never heard of. And this is an incomplete list to be sure. Please feel free to add your own entry. Or tell me where Bridget Fonda gets her car lubed so I can tell her GODFATHER III was not her fault and she should come back.
Anyway, here are some actors that are MIA that I really M.
Bridget Fonda – Loved her in SINGLE WHITE FEMALE. And SINGLES. And especially POINT OF NO RETURN (The US remake of LE FEMME NIKITA.) Married Danny Elfman in 2003 and disappeared. Why should Aunt Jane get all the gigs?
Linda Fiorentino – MEN IN BLACK, DOGMA, and she played the most delicious villain ever in THE LAST SEDUCTION. Nothing since 2009. So sexy I’d be satisfied even if she just did voice overs.
Gene Hackman – The best screen actor alive. Equally brilliant in drama and comedy. Sorry his last movie had to be WELCOME TO MOOSEPORT.
Phoebe Cates – No male under 80 doesn’t have that swimming pool scene from FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH burned permanently into their brains. Hasn’t made a movie in twenty years. I saw her in person ten years ago and happy to report she still looked spectacular. Married to Kevin Kline. I wonder if they have a swimming pool?
Sean Connery – Last seen in THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN in 2003. I know he’s getting up there but he could still play James Bond. He just needs a hairpiece and Viagra.
Jennifer Grey – Loved her in DIRTY DANCING. But that was a different era and face. She did win DANCING WITH THE STARS a few years back. All that means is that she can dance. It doesn’t mean she’s still a star.
Tara Reid – Fun in THE BIG LEBOWSKI and CRUEL INTENTIONS. And who can forget AMERICAN PIE? She was also in AMERICAN PIE 2, but everybody can forget that one. Last seen in SHARNADO in 2013. I hope that wasn’t considered her comeback vehicle.
Val Kilmer – One-time Hollywood heartthrob. One of forty current actors to play Batman. Fame didn’t destroy him. Unruly behavior and buffets did.
Jessica Harper – The waif in MY FAVORITE YEAR, a Woody Allen favorite when he was still young enough to hit on her and not repulse audiences, and she was the star of Brian DePalma’s cult classic PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE. Now has a website, book, and videos as the Crabby Cook, but so far no major studio has optioned it.
Rick Moranis – Very funny and a former DJ (so points in my book). Has seemingly retired. He could easily have Kevin James’ career.
Kathleen Beller – A swimming pool scene in THE BETSY to rival Phoebe Cates’. Also very funny in MOVIE MOVIE – the 1978 movie written by Larry Gelbart that is worth seeking out. Her last credit was 1994 and that was playing a voice on a video game.
Meg Ryan – Or whoever that now is that calls herself Meg Ryan. Haven’t seen her in front of the camera but she directed a movie that’s supposed to come out soon. I so wish she and Jennifer Grey had spoken to me first.
Annabella Sciorra – Did Spike Lee movies and had a recurring part on THE SOPRANOS. (Tony was having an affair with her and it ended, as most do, with thugs telling her if she ever said a word they’d kill her.) Maybe she said a word because you don’t see her on TV anymore.
Joe Pesci – Always got killed in Scorsese movies. And discovered Frankie Valli of the Four Seasons. How they did VINYL without him I will never know.
Emilio Estevez – Only slightly less crazy than brother Charlie (although he did marry Paula Abdul). Hasn’t been seen in years.
Wilson – Had such a great debut in CASTAWAY and then nothing.
Anyway, here are some actors that are MIA that I really M.
Bridget Fonda – Loved her in SINGLE WHITE FEMALE. And SINGLES. And especially POINT OF NO RETURN (The US remake of LE FEMME NIKITA.) Married Danny Elfman in 2003 and disappeared. Why should Aunt Jane get all the gigs?
Linda Fiorentino – MEN IN BLACK, DOGMA, and she played the most delicious villain ever in THE LAST SEDUCTION. Nothing since 2009. So sexy I’d be satisfied even if she just did voice overs.
Gene Hackman – The best screen actor alive. Equally brilliant in drama and comedy. Sorry his last movie had to be WELCOME TO MOOSEPORT.
Phoebe Cates – No male under 80 doesn’t have that swimming pool scene from FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH burned permanently into their brains. Hasn’t made a movie in twenty years. I saw her in person ten years ago and happy to report she still looked spectacular. Married to Kevin Kline. I wonder if they have a swimming pool?
Sean Connery – Last seen in THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN in 2003. I know he’s getting up there but he could still play James Bond. He just needs a hairpiece and Viagra.
Jennifer Grey – Loved her in DIRTY DANCING. But that was a different era and face. She did win DANCING WITH THE STARS a few years back. All that means is that she can dance. It doesn’t mean she’s still a star.
Tara Reid – Fun in THE BIG LEBOWSKI and CRUEL INTENTIONS. And who can forget AMERICAN PIE? She was also in AMERICAN PIE 2, but everybody can forget that one. Last seen in SHARNADO in 2013. I hope that wasn’t considered her comeback vehicle.
Val Kilmer – One-time Hollywood heartthrob. One of forty current actors to play Batman. Fame didn’t destroy him. Unruly behavior and buffets did.
Jessica Harper – The waif in MY FAVORITE YEAR, a Woody Allen favorite when he was still young enough to hit on her and not repulse audiences, and she was the star of Brian DePalma’s cult classic PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE. Now has a website, book, and videos as the Crabby Cook, but so far no major studio has optioned it.
Rick Moranis – Very funny and a former DJ (so points in my book). Has seemingly retired. He could easily have Kevin James’ career.
Kathleen Beller – A swimming pool scene in THE BETSY to rival Phoebe Cates’. Also very funny in MOVIE MOVIE – the 1978 movie written by Larry Gelbart that is worth seeking out. Her last credit was 1994 and that was playing a voice on a video game.
Meg Ryan – Or whoever that now is that calls herself Meg Ryan. Haven’t seen her in front of the camera but she directed a movie that’s supposed to come out soon. I so wish she and Jennifer Grey had spoken to me first.
Annabella Sciorra – Did Spike Lee movies and had a recurring part on THE SOPRANOS. (Tony was having an affair with her and it ended, as most do, with thugs telling her if she ever said a word they’d kill her.) Maybe she said a word because you don’t see her on TV anymore.
Joe Pesci – Always got killed in Scorsese movies. And discovered Frankie Valli of the Four Seasons. How they did VINYL without him I will never know.
Emilio Estevez – Only slightly less crazy than brother Charlie (although he did marry Paula Abdul). Hasn’t been seen in years.
Wilson – Had such a great debut in CASTAWAY and then nothing.
Sunday, July 10, 2016
Today is Annie & Jon's wedding
Hi, it's me, the "Father of the Bride." Happy to announce that today is the big day. My daughter, who you longtime blog readers know, is marrying the love of her life and writing partner, Jonathan Emerson. #TheonewhereJonmarriesAnnie. I could not be more thrilled. (You can't imagine what a relief it is for a father to actually LIKE the guy.)
I know of several writing teams who are also married. I asked one about whether it's problematic. She said, "Do Annie & Jon get along while writing scripts together?" I said, "Yes, absolutely," and she said, "Then marriage is easy."
This wedding has been in the planning stages for months. Seems way more complicated to set up than in my day. I think it takes two months, seven caterer interviews, special flowers, and custom announcements just to elope now.
But everything is set, relatives from both sides have descended, our friends and their friends have assembled (I hope none of my friends hand them a spec script), and any glasses that won't be stomped on will be raised in toasts. Not sure whether we ordered the chopped liver swan. I'll have to double-check.
In any event, I'm ecstatic for the happy couple. I know they will share a wonderful life together. I hope I don't get swept up in the emotion of the moment and give them a spec script myself.
Annie & Jon, mazol tov on this very special occasion. I love you both.
I know of several writing teams who are also married. I asked one about whether it's problematic. She said, "Do Annie & Jon get along while writing scripts together?" I said, "Yes, absolutely," and she said, "Then marriage is easy."
This wedding has been in the planning stages for months. Seems way more complicated to set up than in my day. I think it takes two months, seven caterer interviews, special flowers, and custom announcements just to elope now.
But everything is set, relatives from both sides have descended, our friends and their friends have assembled (I hope none of my friends hand them a spec script), and any glasses that won't be stomped on will be raised in toasts. Not sure whether we ordered the chopped liver swan. I'll have to double-check.
In any event, I'm ecstatic for the happy couple. I know they will share a wonderful life together. I hope I don't get swept up in the emotion of the moment and give them a spec script myself.
Annie & Jon, mazol tov on this very special occasion. I love you both.
Saturday, July 09, 2016
Celebrity fan mail -- the ultimate cry for help.
One
of the most amusing and utterly terrifying benefits of being on staff
of a show is having access to the viewer “fan mail”.
Oh…my…fucking…God! You can’t believe the crazies that are out there.
And they’re fans of YOUR show.
There are many varieties of loony mail. First off, viewers think the characters they see on television are real. So they address their letters to Niles Crane, Sam Malone, Diane Chambers, etc. And since they don’t know Sam Malone’s address they’ll just write c/o Cheers, Boston, Mass. Or Hawkeye, MASH, Korea. In the latter case, they assume (a) Hawkeye exists, (b) no last name is necessary, and (c) mail can time travel. I’d bet my house that Homer Simpson gets fan mail from registered voters.
I mean, it’s cute when your five-year-old sends Santa Claus a letter to the North Pole. But when it’s some fifty-year-old dashing off a note to Clark Kent in Smallville, that’s a little strange.
The letters themselves are beauts. Marriage proposals, invites to Thanksgiving dinners, pictures, drawings, handmade gifts, and my favorite – seeking advice.
Generally however, their requests are for autographed pictures, locks of their hair, their home phone numbers, and shoes.
Sometimes they’re angry letters. They feel betrayed because their favorite character wore a purple scarf.
Other times the missives are warnings.
The letters addressed to the actors and actresses are only slightly better. For addresses they seem to feel “CBS” is sufficient. Or “Must See TV, U.S.A.”. The inquiries are the usual requests for pictures and adoption. And this is my favorite. Two out of three letters include this: (I’ll use Amy Poehler as an example.)
Hi, Amy. Everyone says I look just like you. You know what would be great? I could play your sister on the show . I’m sending a picture of me so you could see. We might as well be twins!”
The enclosed photo is then of a fat Haitian woman who’s at least sixty with a missing ear. These pictures look NOTHING like the stars they claim to resemble. Ever. I want to know just who these “everyones” are that think they do. How far does the dementia spread?
I think it’s lovely that if there’s a celebrity you admire you want to take the time to let them know. I can't think of one star who doesn’t appreciate adoration (if not crave it). But some guidelines if you hope to ever actually reach them. Because usually fan mail is screened by a staff member or assistant, and only a select few are passed on to the celebrity. To be one of those:
Probably the best thing you could do is not mail them at all. Instead, they must have fan sites on social networks. Follow them on Twitter. Drop them a quick note on their Facebook page. Trust me, More than a long effusive letter, the object of your admiration will far greater appreciate a simple click on “Like”.
This is a re-post from five years ago.
There are many varieties of loony mail. First off, viewers think the characters they see on television are real. So they address their letters to Niles Crane, Sam Malone, Diane Chambers, etc. And since they don’t know Sam Malone’s address they’ll just write c/o Cheers, Boston, Mass. Or Hawkeye, MASH, Korea. In the latter case, they assume (a) Hawkeye exists, (b) no last name is necessary, and (c) mail can time travel. I’d bet my house that Homer Simpson gets fan mail from registered voters.
I mean, it’s cute when your five-year-old sends Santa Claus a letter to the North Pole. But when it’s some fifty-year-old dashing off a note to Clark Kent in Smallville, that’s a little strange.
The letters themselves are beauts. Marriage proposals, invites to Thanksgiving dinners, pictures, drawings, handmade gifts, and my favorite – seeking advice.
Diane, should I change my major?
Pam, there’s this guy in the office
where I work who I think likes me. He’s kind of dorky but nice. Should
I give him a blowjob?
Jeff, who do I send my transcripts to to get into your community college?
Generally however, their requests are for autographed pictures, locks of their hair, their home phone numbers, and shoes.
Sometimes they’re angry letters. They feel betrayed because their favorite character wore a purple scarf.
Liz Lemon, I used to like you, but you are a whore!
Other times the missives are warnings.
Jim, Pam is a dirty little slut and will CHEAT ON YOU. Get out now!!
Alicia, your husband fucked Kalinda!
The letters addressed to the actors and actresses are only slightly better. For addresses they seem to feel “CBS” is sufficient. Or “Must See TV, U.S.A.”. The inquiries are the usual requests for pictures and adoption. And this is my favorite. Two out of three letters include this: (I’ll use Amy Poehler as an example.)
Hi, Amy. Everyone says I look just like you. You know what would be great? I could play your sister on the show . I’m sending a picture of me so you could see. We might as well be twins!”
The enclosed photo is then of a fat Haitian woman who’s at least sixty with a missing ear. These pictures look NOTHING like the stars they claim to resemble. Ever. I want to know just who these “everyones” are that think they do. How far does the dementia spread?
I think it’s lovely that if there’s a celebrity you admire you want to take the time to let them know. I can't think of one star who doesn’t appreciate adoration (if not crave it). But some guidelines if you hope to ever actually reach them. Because usually fan mail is screened by a staff member or assistant, and only a select few are passed on to the celebrity. To be one of those:
Be brief. A thirty-page handwritten rambling treatise just screams “Cliff Clavin”.
Other than a picture or autograph, don’t ask for anything. They don’t know you. Why would they send you their underwear?
Don’t give them anything. And
especially don’t give them anything for their kids if they have kids.
That’s off-the-charts creepy.
Spell their name correctly.
Type.
Don't draw cartoons or doodles on the letter.
If they’re on a show, find the
location of the show and address the letter to them, in care of the
show, with the street address of the studio that produces it.
If they’re a movie star, they probably have either a fan site, or a publicist, or agent. Send to the star in care of them.
Don’t address the envelope in crayon.
Provide a return address. Include the cell block number.
You may think you know them because you read the National Enquirer. But you don’t. Avoid writing anything really personal or intimate.
Don't mention that you have a shrine dedicated to them.
Don't reveal your sexual fantasies that include them.
You do not look just like Amy Poehler.
Do not send photos of you or Anthony Weiner portions of you.
Probably the best thing you could do is not mail them at all. Instead, they must have fan sites on social networks. Follow them on Twitter. Drop them a quick note on their Facebook page. Trust me, More than a long effusive letter, the object of your admiration will far greater appreciate a simple click on “Like”.
This is a re-post from five years ago.
Friday, July 08, 2016
Friday Questions
Who’s ready for some Friday Questions?
Matt starts us off.
John Charles Walters - What's the story behind "Good Night Mr. Walters" at the end of "Taxi." Is JCW a real person?
Well, it’s a real human being in the shot. It’s the back of Ed. Weinberger, one of the producers.
After Jim Brooks, Ed. Weinberger, Stan Daniels, and Dave Davis left MTM to hang their own shingle at Paramount, they wanted “a venerable Protestant name” for their production company . Originally it was “Charles Walters” but they discovered there was a director by that name so they added the John.
Tom Michael asks:
The WGA has a service where you can register scripts, treatments, outlines, etc. before you submit them. While they say up front that this isn't absolute protection, there is an implied benefit and basically a date-stamp proof for your product. This is also a service that you have once or twice referred to using. My questions are: what are the actual benefits and protections that you get? And, in this Colbert submission situation in particular, does this give a writer a practical and effective recourse if the show did not hire the writer but later used the writer's bits?
Should you get in a lawsuit with a studio or producer over stealing your material, it’s good to have some tangible proof. Another way is to put the document in a letter, address it to yourself, and send it. Date stamping offers protection too. But I’m not a lawyer and can’t say whether these are slam dunk pieces of evidence. But do it to be safe. And it's a nice service the WGA provides.
Now you can send stuff electronically. In the "old days" you had to submit a hard copy of your script or outline. God knows how many warehouses were filled with that crap.
As for Colbert’s submission packet, I don’t know whether there is a release form you must sign before they’ll read it. I would imagine all of these late night shows include that for their protection.
From MikeN:
If Adam Sandler said he wanted you to work with him for a script of a movie, would you do it?
Sure. Why not? He can be terrific in the right thing. I think he sells himself short by doing all those really silly movies.
And finally, from David:
This is a baseball announcer question. I watch and listen to a lot of baseball games and I wondered how the announcers, way up in the booth, can effortlessly call a pitch a slider or a two-seam or a changeup? Unless it's a monumental curve ball I cannot tell the difference. How do you tell the difference?
Well, first off there is a certain amount of guesswork involved. We’re not always correct.
Second, you really need to be right behind the plate (or in that general vicinity) to accurately see the flight of the ball.
And third, if you have a scouting report you’ll know what pitches a particular chucker throws. So you can better anticipate.
There are a couple clues that help us identify pitches. The trajectory. Does the ball dip, fade down to the right, curl back in towards the plate, etc.? Sometimes if you glance at the monitor and they’re showing the centerfield camera you can see where the catcher is setting up and that gives you some idea of what might be coming.
And then of course, there is the speed of the ball. Nowadays every big league park has radar guns. If a hurler throws a 98 mile-an-hour pitch you can safely assume it’s a fast ball. But even then, you need to do your homework. Felix Hernandez throws a change-up (slow pitch) at 90 mph. Other pitchers throw their best fastball at 89.
Finally, you develop this skill through experience. I’m sure Vin Scully can accurately identify pitches in thick fog.
What’s your Friday Question?
Matt starts us off.
John Charles Walters - What's the story behind "Good Night Mr. Walters" at the end of "Taxi." Is JCW a real person?
Well, it’s a real human being in the shot. It’s the back of Ed. Weinberger, one of the producers.
After Jim Brooks, Ed. Weinberger, Stan Daniels, and Dave Davis left MTM to hang their own shingle at Paramount, they wanted “a venerable Protestant name” for their production company . Originally it was “Charles Walters” but they discovered there was a director by that name so they added the John.
Tom Michael asks:
The WGA has a service where you can register scripts, treatments, outlines, etc. before you submit them. While they say up front that this isn't absolute protection, there is an implied benefit and basically a date-stamp proof for your product. This is also a service that you have once or twice referred to using. My questions are: what are the actual benefits and protections that you get? And, in this Colbert submission situation in particular, does this give a writer a practical and effective recourse if the show did not hire the writer but later used the writer's bits?
Should you get in a lawsuit with a studio or producer over stealing your material, it’s good to have some tangible proof. Another way is to put the document in a letter, address it to yourself, and send it. Date stamping offers protection too. But I’m not a lawyer and can’t say whether these are slam dunk pieces of evidence. But do it to be safe. And it's a nice service the WGA provides.
Now you can send stuff electronically. In the "old days" you had to submit a hard copy of your script or outline. God knows how many warehouses were filled with that crap.
As for Colbert’s submission packet, I don’t know whether there is a release form you must sign before they’ll read it. I would imagine all of these late night shows include that for their protection.
From MikeN:
If Adam Sandler said he wanted you to work with him for a script of a movie, would you do it?
Sure. Why not? He can be terrific in the right thing. I think he sells himself short by doing all those really silly movies.
And finally, from David:
This is a baseball announcer question. I watch and listen to a lot of baseball games and I wondered how the announcers, way up in the booth, can effortlessly call a pitch a slider or a two-seam or a changeup? Unless it's a monumental curve ball I cannot tell the difference. How do you tell the difference?
Well, first off there is a certain amount of guesswork involved. We’re not always correct.
Second, you really need to be right behind the plate (or in that general vicinity) to accurately see the flight of the ball.
And third, if you have a scouting report you’ll know what pitches a particular chucker throws. So you can better anticipate.
There are a couple clues that help us identify pitches. The trajectory. Does the ball dip, fade down to the right, curl back in towards the plate, etc.? Sometimes if you glance at the monitor and they’re showing the centerfield camera you can see where the catcher is setting up and that gives you some idea of what might be coming.
And then of course, there is the speed of the ball. Nowadays every big league park has radar guns. If a hurler throws a 98 mile-an-hour pitch you can safely assume it’s a fast ball. But even then, you need to do your homework. Felix Hernandez throws a change-up (slow pitch) at 90 mph. Other pitchers throw their best fastball at 89.
Finally, you develop this skill through experience. I’m sure Vin Scully can accurately identify pitches in thick fog.
What’s your Friday Question?
Thursday, July 07, 2016
The Big O
Here’s another theater trend I’ve noticed lately. Every performance of every play, musical, concert, or IKEA cabinet assembly receives a standing ovation.
Standing ovations used to, well… stand for something. You reserved them for HAMILTON, or Adele, or the Puppetry of the Penis. Today an Equity Waiver production of SPIDERMAN: THE MUSICAL starring local TV news anchors gets a standing O. Even though it closes after one performance and three people are injured.
I can’t tell you how many times over the last few years I’ll go to a meh theater event, watch the audience leap to its feet, and go “What the fuck? She forgot half her lines. He sang off key. She never took her clothes off.”
When did standing ovations become the norm? The idea is to really single out excellence. 85-year-old Barbara Cook still hitting spectacular notes. A helicopter landing on stage. LES MIZ with a cast of three.
This seems to be the pattern. Show ends. Actors take their curtain call. Half the audience leaps to its feet. Another quarter sees this, wasn’t going to but decide what the hell? They rise. The rest now figure, shit, we don’t want to look like assholes, so they join the adulation. I think for a standing ovation to mean anything today, at least 80% must jump up at once. Anything less doesn’t count.
I feel bad now for actors when they only receive loud thunderous applause. That must be devastating to them.
Is this just an outgrowth of the Millennial generation where everyone got trophies for everything?
Partially, I blame myself. I’ve spent a good portion of my career toiling in multi-camera television. Studio audiences are herded into sound stages, and warm-up men TELL them to give standing ovations. It always kills me when the cast of a pilot is introduced and gets a standing O. The audience has no idea who any of these people are. They haven’t even seen them perform yet and already they’re out of their seats. Perhaps TV sitcom tapings over many years has conditioned audiences to automatically stand at the sight of anyone bowing. Although, I may be too hard on myself. This happens in game show tapings too. Crowds are expected to go wild for Chuck Woolery.
We’re getting dangerously close to a time when movies get standing ovations.
I think it’s time to pull back. Steve Harvey interviewing toddlers isn’t enough. Nor is Carson Daly doing anything. Let’s celebrate true excellence, let’s reserve our highest recognition for those performers who really deserve it. Let’s bring back “special.”
As a writer I never expect a standing ovation. Bouquets of flowers are enough.
Standing ovations used to, well… stand for something. You reserved them for HAMILTON, or Adele, or the Puppetry of the Penis. Today an Equity Waiver production of SPIDERMAN: THE MUSICAL starring local TV news anchors gets a standing O. Even though it closes after one performance and three people are injured.
I can’t tell you how many times over the last few years I’ll go to a meh theater event, watch the audience leap to its feet, and go “What the fuck? She forgot half her lines. He sang off key. She never took her clothes off.”
When did standing ovations become the norm? The idea is to really single out excellence. 85-year-old Barbara Cook still hitting spectacular notes. A helicopter landing on stage. LES MIZ with a cast of three.
This seems to be the pattern. Show ends. Actors take their curtain call. Half the audience leaps to its feet. Another quarter sees this, wasn’t going to but decide what the hell? They rise. The rest now figure, shit, we don’t want to look like assholes, so they join the adulation. I think for a standing ovation to mean anything today, at least 80% must jump up at once. Anything less doesn’t count.
I feel bad now for actors when they only receive loud thunderous applause. That must be devastating to them.
Is this just an outgrowth of the Millennial generation where everyone got trophies for everything?
Partially, I blame myself. I’ve spent a good portion of my career toiling in multi-camera television. Studio audiences are herded into sound stages, and warm-up men TELL them to give standing ovations. It always kills me when the cast of a pilot is introduced and gets a standing O. The audience has no idea who any of these people are. They haven’t even seen them perform yet and already they’re out of their seats. Perhaps TV sitcom tapings over many years has conditioned audiences to automatically stand at the sight of anyone bowing. Although, I may be too hard on myself. This happens in game show tapings too. Crowds are expected to go wild for Chuck Woolery.
We’re getting dangerously close to a time when movies get standing ovations.
I think it’s time to pull back. Steve Harvey interviewing toddlers isn’t enough. Nor is Carson Daly doing anything. Let’s celebrate true excellence, let’s reserve our highest recognition for those performers who really deserve it. Let’s bring back “special.”
As a writer I never expect a standing ovation. Bouquets of flowers are enough.
Wednesday, July 06, 2016
Check your ego at the door
In Hollywood, people tend to think an awful lot of themselves. Maybe it’s because we give out trophies for every industry job there is. “Best Craft Services – the nominations are…”
But every so often it’s good to get a reality check; to realize we’re not such hot shits.
One such example for me came when I was writing MASH.
MASH was headquartered on the 20th Century Fox lot. Our offices were on the second floor of the (appropriately named) Old Writers Building. It was a very cool building, looked like a Swiss Chalet and in fact, appears in shows and movies to this day.
We were on the second floor with large windows that looked out on an apartment building that was just beyond the studio wall (that kept out illegals and rapists).
One afternoon we’re rewriting and notice four or five people hanging on the apartment balcony looking in at us. Yes, it was a little disconcerting at first, but also somewhat flattering. It’s not completely unheard of to assume people might want to see how MASH is written, right? At least in our swelled ego state that’s what we thought.
So we decided to really give them a show. We started acting out scenes and gesturing in an exaggerated manner. We were killing it.
At the end of day we stepped out of the office and noticed there was a lot of smoke. It seems the giant HELLO DOLLY New York skyline set was on fire. That’s what the spectators were looking at, not a bunch of idiots writing army jokes. I slinked into my car and drove away.
I often feel the entertainment industry would be well served by taking down the HOLLYWOOD sign and replacing it with HUMBLE.
But every so often it’s good to get a reality check; to realize we’re not such hot shits.
One such example for me came when I was writing MASH.
MASH was headquartered on the 20th Century Fox lot. Our offices were on the second floor of the (appropriately named) Old Writers Building. It was a very cool building, looked like a Swiss Chalet and in fact, appears in shows and movies to this day.
We were on the second floor with large windows that looked out on an apartment building that was just beyond the studio wall (that kept out illegals and rapists).
One afternoon we’re rewriting and notice four or five people hanging on the apartment balcony looking in at us. Yes, it was a little disconcerting at first, but also somewhat flattering. It’s not completely unheard of to assume people might want to see how MASH is written, right? At least in our swelled ego state that’s what we thought.
So we decided to really give them a show. We started acting out scenes and gesturing in an exaggerated manner. We were killing it.
At the end of day we stepped out of the office and noticed there was a lot of smoke. It seems the giant HELLO DOLLY New York skyline set was on fire. That’s what the spectators were looking at, not a bunch of idiots writing army jokes. I slinked into my car and drove away.
I often feel the entertainment industry would be well served by taking down the HOLLYWOOD sign and replacing it with HUMBLE.
Tuesday, July 05, 2016
This British TV critic is just wrong
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. They did pull out of EU. There must be something in the water. But now a UK TV critic, Sam Wollaston, maintains in an article that not only should there no longer be canned laughter in sitcoms (for which I don’t disagree); there should no longer be actual studio laughter as well. In other words, never do a multi-camera show in front of an audience. Not in 2016.
According to Mr. Wollaston, it’s unnecessary and automatically makes the show feel dated. Do FRASIER and FRIENDS seem dated to you? Those are two examples he gave. Do you no longer enjoy watching these shows because they contain genuine laughter?
And even if they do appear “dated,” does that prevent you from still enjoying them? If only I LOVE LUCY didn’t have audience laughter. Or THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW.
I wonder if Mr. Wollaston believes stage play comedies are passé because actors still have to hold for audience laughter? How unnatural! How 1st-20th Century!
It’s such a stupid argument I have to shake my head. He’s welcome to say he himself prefers shows without any kind of laugh track but to suggest that multi-cams with audiences should no longer be made in this modern era is downright idiotic. (And before you claim I just have a bias for multi-camera shows, remember I wrote for a certain single-camera show too – MASH.)
Artificial laughter is distracting and insulting to the home viewer. But I see no harm in including the laughter that is earned. “Laughter” doesn’t make sitcoms seem stale – bad writing does. Tired jokes, situations you’ve seen a thousand times (done better), cliché tropes – those are the culprits. I would think a television critic would know the difference.
Here’s a value to audience laughter Mr. Wollaston seems not to know: It holds the writers accountable. There are some inspired single-camera shows. But there are also a lot that are weak and unfunny. The writers might be hysterical watching the dailies but the home viewer is staring at the screen saying, “This is some real lame shit.” On multi-camera shows you have 250 strangers telling you whether something works. Often the first cut of a show will be long by several minutes. The question becomes what to cut? On multi-camera shows it’s fairly easy. You cut what didn’t work. Single camera shows are just guessing. They might guess wrong.
Mr. Wollaston also disagrees with the claim that studio audiences result in better performances and he lists a few actors who perform quite well without audience assistance. Well, as someone who has produced shows for forty years let me just say, Mr. Wollaston, you’re wrong. Just flat out wrong. This isn’t my contention; it’s ACTORS’. For the same reason that they get a charge out of performing live on the stage, having an audience DOES energize performances. I’ve stood on those stages. I’ve seen the difference between when scenes are pre-shot or performed live. There’s a discernible difference, sir.
His overall argument that audience shows might have been well and good in decades past but this is 2016 – we’re so much more sophisticated now, have such higher standards is condescending and insulting. If we’re going to talk the test of time, let’s see how many of these 2016 laugh-free single camera shows are still being enjoyed in ten years. I bet FRASIER and FRIENDS will still be around. And I LOVE LUCY. They’ll have the last “laugh,”which you will hear out of your speaker.
According to Mr. Wollaston, it’s unnecessary and automatically makes the show feel dated. Do FRASIER and FRIENDS seem dated to you? Those are two examples he gave. Do you no longer enjoy watching these shows because they contain genuine laughter?
And even if they do appear “dated,” does that prevent you from still enjoying them? If only I LOVE LUCY didn’t have audience laughter. Or THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW.
I wonder if Mr. Wollaston believes stage play comedies are passé because actors still have to hold for audience laughter? How unnatural! How 1st-20th Century!
It’s such a stupid argument I have to shake my head. He’s welcome to say he himself prefers shows without any kind of laugh track but to suggest that multi-cams with audiences should no longer be made in this modern era is downright idiotic. (And before you claim I just have a bias for multi-camera shows, remember I wrote for a certain single-camera show too – MASH.)
Artificial laughter is distracting and insulting to the home viewer. But I see no harm in including the laughter that is earned. “Laughter” doesn’t make sitcoms seem stale – bad writing does. Tired jokes, situations you’ve seen a thousand times (done better), cliché tropes – those are the culprits. I would think a television critic would know the difference.
Here’s a value to audience laughter Mr. Wollaston seems not to know: It holds the writers accountable. There are some inspired single-camera shows. But there are also a lot that are weak and unfunny. The writers might be hysterical watching the dailies but the home viewer is staring at the screen saying, “This is some real lame shit.” On multi-camera shows you have 250 strangers telling you whether something works. Often the first cut of a show will be long by several minutes. The question becomes what to cut? On multi-camera shows it’s fairly easy. You cut what didn’t work. Single camera shows are just guessing. They might guess wrong.
Mr. Wollaston also disagrees with the claim that studio audiences result in better performances and he lists a few actors who perform quite well without audience assistance. Well, as someone who has produced shows for forty years let me just say, Mr. Wollaston, you’re wrong. Just flat out wrong. This isn’t my contention; it’s ACTORS’. For the same reason that they get a charge out of performing live on the stage, having an audience DOES energize performances. I’ve stood on those stages. I’ve seen the difference between when scenes are pre-shot or performed live. There’s a discernible difference, sir.
His overall argument that audience shows might have been well and good in decades past but this is 2016 – we’re so much more sophisticated now, have such higher standards is condescending and insulting. If we’re going to talk the test of time, let’s see how many of these 2016 laugh-free single camera shows are still being enjoyed in ten years. I bet FRASIER and FRIENDS will still be around. And I LOVE LUCY. They’ll have the last “laugh,”which you will hear out of your speaker.
Monday, July 04, 2016
Happy Birthday, Neil Simon
Since he doesn't have a Facebook wall to write on I'll post my birthday wishes here. Neil Simon is 89 today. Truly one of my inspirations and heroes. It was a great honor hosting the Neil Simon film festival on TCM last year.
If you're an aspiring comedy writer -- TV, plays, screenplays, web series, whatever -- you owe it to yourself to study one of the absolute masters of the form. I still re-read Neil Simon plays.
A couple of years ago I wrote a tribute to him. You can read it here.
So in honor of Mr. Simon's birthday I propose we shoot off fireworks tonight. Hey, the man has won a ton of Tonys.
If you're an aspiring comedy writer -- TV, plays, screenplays, web series, whatever -- you owe it to yourself to study one of the absolute masters of the form. I still re-read Neil Simon plays.
A couple of years ago I wrote a tribute to him. You can read it here.
So in honor of Mr. Simon's birthday I propose we shoot off fireworks tonight. Hey, the man has won a ton of Tonys.
Happy 4th of July
Why the hell do people buy home fireworks?How many fingers and eyebrows do they have to lose? It's hard to vote for Donald Trump if you don't have fingers.
What parent in his right mind with children would set off something called a 12 in
ch
“strike force missile”?Or a “Mad Dog”
“Bazooka Bear”
“Titanium Cracker”
“Dragon’s Wrath”
“Big Mama Jama"
“Brutal Force”
“Nuke Power”
“Pull String Grenade”
“Assorted Color Ammo Smoke”
“Caliber Blast”
“Car Bomb”
“Big Earthquake”
“Jumboshell Fountain”
“Pyrogyro”
“Cracker Jack in a Box”
“Deadly Fire”
“Battle of New Orleans”
“Pay Back”
“Mucho Grande – small” (isn’t that an oxymoron?)
“Air Raid”
Or of course the ever popular “So X*@! Good”?
Explain to me where these are “safe and SANE”.
Better to go to a city park, ballpark, or Steven Spielberg’s house. Enter a 5K race, cheer on a parade and pray that the grand marshal is someone more impressive than Tom Arnold.
Have a wonderful day. Display your flag proudly. Don't blow your fingers off.
Sunday, July 03, 2016
A day at Black's nude Beach
I had to go to Black’s Beach.
Not sure of its status today, but in the swinging ‘70s Black’s was a large nude beach in San Diego. I was a weekend disc jockey at B100 in 1976 and even though I had lived in San Diego a few years before (when I was full-time at another station) I had never made the pilgrimage. But I was always curious. Who wouldn’t be? You can see vaginas without a cover charge!
I was discussing the Middle East crisis with one of the other jocks from the station one night over tequila shooters and the conversation logically turned to Black’s Beach. Finally, he shrugged and said, “Well, let’s just go.” Damn! Why didn’t I ever think of that? I had to be on the air the next afternoon at 3:00 so we decided to go at noon; giving us a good couple of hours of sunning and ogling.
Black’s Beach is located in La Jolla and -- not surprising -- it’s very secluded. To access it you had to negotiate a half-mile steep path down a sharp cliff. That five-dollar cover charge was looking pretty good to me.
We finally reached the bottom and oh my God. It was as advertised. Filled with naked people, most of them young, many of them girls.
We set down a blanket and it was showdown time. Now understand that I had a hard time in junior high taking showers after gym. That’s just embedded in Jewish DNA. My people tend not to “streak”. We’re not, by nature, a “let it all hang out and frolic” culture. But the DJ who was with me stripped down in seconds. He obviously wasn’t Jewish, which was visually apparent the minute he lowered his pants.
So I figured, what the hell? I was actually very proud of myself. I took off all my clothes. I figured, if I can eat pork I can do this.
The scene itself was rather remarkable. Gorgeous naked college coeds, some oldsters far more comfortable with their saggy flesh than anyone viewing them were, and a number of athletic-looking dudes on the shore tossing the Frisbee around, trying to get noticed. Ironically, there were no blacks at Black’s. My guess is the Frisbee flingers would have been far less proud of themselves if there were.
I decided to take a walk along the beach. I figured that was the most discreet way to check out the scene without seeming obvious. Y’know, I’m walking to the snack stand or the restrooms or the lifeguard station. Except… there were no snack stands or restrooms or lifeguard stations. The only reason to walk along the beach was to scope people out.
There was one girl lying flat on her back on a towel, reading PORTNOY’S COMPLAINT with her legs spread wide apart. Talk about the perfect Philip Roth moment!
I didn’t approach her. What was I going to say? “Have you ever seen so much masturbation in a book in your life?” Besides, I rationalized that even if we had hit it off and she invited me to call her, where could she write the number?
At 2:00 we decided to head back up. Our work here was done. One thing we had forgotten to consider: that steep cliff. Getting down was tricky and time consuming. Now we had to climb. Straight up.
We’re climbing and climbing and I finally check my watch and shit! It’s 2:30 already. We’re only halfway up.
So now we had to essentially sprint. I thought my lungs were going to burst. Got to his car, exhausted, and completely out of breath, and sped to the station; arriving two minutes before I had to go on the air. I’m wearing nothing but a bathing suit. I sign on by gasping. By 4:00 the sunburn below kicked in. I did the last three hours of my show with Popsicles on my lap that I bought from the vending machine.
Things I learned from the experience:
and finally:
That was my one and only time at Black's Beach. And even to this day, if someone hands me a Popsicle my natural urge is to jam it down my pants.
This is a re-post from five years ago.
Not sure of its status today, but in the swinging ‘70s Black’s was a large nude beach in San Diego. I was a weekend disc jockey at B100 in 1976 and even though I had lived in San Diego a few years before (when I was full-time at another station) I had never made the pilgrimage. But I was always curious. Who wouldn’t be? You can see vaginas without a cover charge!
I was discussing the Middle East crisis with one of the other jocks from the station one night over tequila shooters and the conversation logically turned to Black’s Beach. Finally, he shrugged and said, “Well, let’s just go.” Damn! Why didn’t I ever think of that? I had to be on the air the next afternoon at 3:00 so we decided to go at noon; giving us a good couple of hours of sunning and ogling.
Black’s Beach is located in La Jolla and -- not surprising -- it’s very secluded. To access it you had to negotiate a half-mile steep path down a sharp cliff. That five-dollar cover charge was looking pretty good to me.
We finally reached the bottom and oh my God. It was as advertised. Filled with naked people, most of them young, many of them girls.
We set down a blanket and it was showdown time. Now understand that I had a hard time in junior high taking showers after gym. That’s just embedded in Jewish DNA. My people tend not to “streak”. We’re not, by nature, a “let it all hang out and frolic” culture. But the DJ who was with me stripped down in seconds. He obviously wasn’t Jewish, which was visually apparent the minute he lowered his pants.
So I figured, what the hell? I was actually very proud of myself. I took off all my clothes. I figured, if I can eat pork I can do this.
The scene itself was rather remarkable. Gorgeous naked college coeds, some oldsters far more comfortable with their saggy flesh than anyone viewing them were, and a number of athletic-looking dudes on the shore tossing the Frisbee around, trying to get noticed. Ironically, there were no blacks at Black’s. My guess is the Frisbee flingers would have been far less proud of themselves if there were.
I decided to take a walk along the beach. I figured that was the most discreet way to check out the scene without seeming obvious. Y’know, I’m walking to the snack stand or the restrooms or the lifeguard station. Except… there were no snack stands or restrooms or lifeguard stations. The only reason to walk along the beach was to scope people out.
There was one girl lying flat on her back on a towel, reading PORTNOY’S COMPLAINT with her legs spread wide apart. Talk about the perfect Philip Roth moment!
I didn’t approach her. What was I going to say? “Have you ever seen so much masturbation in a book in your life?” Besides, I rationalized that even if we had hit it off and she invited me to call her, where could she write the number?
At 2:00 we decided to head back up. Our work here was done. One thing we had forgotten to consider: that steep cliff. Getting down was tricky and time consuming. Now we had to climb. Straight up.
We’re climbing and climbing and I finally check my watch and shit! It’s 2:30 already. We’re only halfway up.
So now we had to essentially sprint. I thought my lungs were going to burst. Got to his car, exhausted, and completely out of breath, and sped to the station; arriving two minutes before I had to go on the air. I’m wearing nothing but a bathing suit. I sign on by gasping. By 4:00 the sunburn below kicked in. I did the last three hours of my show with Popsicles on my lap that I bought from the vending machine.
Things I learned from the experience:
Wear sunglasses. No one can tell you’re staring.
Pack a sandwich and rappelling gear.
This is what Justin Timberlake’s home pool area must look like every Sunday.
Level 60 sunblock protection means
nothing to areas never before exposed to the sun. You might as well
just squat over a lit bar-b-que pit.
Without wearing a cup, a Frisbee becomes a potential lethal weapon.
and finally:
Women read PORTNOY’S COMPLAINT.
That was my one and only time at Black's Beach. And even to this day, if someone hands me a Popsicle my natural urge is to jam it down my pants.
This is a re-post from five years ago.
Saturday, July 02, 2016
Where to go this summer vacation
The 4th of July weekend heralds the real beginning of the summer vacation season. Still don’t know where to go yet? Allow me to help while shamelessly pushing my book, WHERE THE HELL AM I? TRIPS I HAVE SURVIVED. Order yours here.
WTHAI?TISH (as most people refer to it) is a ten year collection of my humorous travelogues. Here are a few excerpts to help you decide where to go this summer.
DALLAS – (most people’s first choice for August travel) On every corner there’s either a steakhouse or a church. One place called “Holy Cow” could be either or both.
LAS VEGAS -- We hit the beach. Yes, Mandalay Bay has its own beach. Unfortunately, the ocean was turned off. No waves. But Debby (my wife) and I took a long walk along the grid that serves as the shore and gazed out at the horizon to see the Lance Burton Magician billboard on Las Vegas Avenue.
MAUI – Did not see the sunrise at Haleakala. But did get a report from someone who did. A bus picks you up 2:30 in the morning. You drive an hour and a half to the top of this massive shield volcano. By top I mean 10,023 feet. You get out in your shorts, flip flops, and aloha shirt -- it’s pitch black, and 22 degrees (literally). When the sun comes up (two hours later) it will rise to 37. Finally the dawn. It’s breathtaking, awesome, and your teeth are chattering like castanets. You don’t want to even think about the possibility that there’s a YouTube video of this. You get on the bus and either go home or into shock.
For more fun you can bike down the outside of the volcano… like a rocket on a two-lane winding road that hugs a cliff that’s steeper than those in Road Runner cartoons. Bikers must also negotiate tour buses, vans, and tourists in unfamiliar rental cars. In 2007 there were three biker fatalities. Bike tours (when they’re not suspended) are $100 - $150 dollars. Bring a parachute.
But we did visit quaint Lahaina. Strolled past the charming Crazy-T-Shirt and souvenir soap stores. This bawdy whaling port has not changed in a hundred years.
For all the hoopla of Lahaina, we found quite a few other smaller, lesser-known little towns that were far more charming and KFC-free. Paia, for one. It’s advertised as a throwback “hippie” village. And I must say it took me right back to the ‘60s when hippies supported their drug habits by selling gelato.
Makawao is another quaint attraction. Up country, it’s a little cowboy town, specializing in glass blowing – just like Wyatt Earp and Billy the Kid used to do. I kept looking for the jail and saloon but alas they’ve given way to art galleries and a market that makes fresh donuts. But get there early. They go fast. There’s usually a shoot-out in the town square for the last cruller.
PHOENIX -- This is a sprawling city of giant shopping malls broken up by sports complexes. Oh, and numerous aircraft bone yards. From rusted out WWII planes to 747s that haven’t flown since Braniff went under, they’re all here. Was hoping to swing by and pick up an L1011 fuselage but time got away.
To get anywhere in Phoenix – to work, a restaurant, the rental car outpost from the airport – you just get on the freeway and go 13.2 miles. Everything is 13.2 miles away. Except Circle K’s. There are two on every corner. How much beef jerky can this town chew?
DENVER -- Denver is the most sexually active city in America. Contraceptive sales are 189% higher within the city limits than the national average (sales of female contraceptives are a whopping 278% higher). Coincidentally, Denver also has the world’s largest brewery (Coors).
Things not to miss: The Butterfly Pavilion insect zoo, the “Mind Eraser” rollercoaster at Elitch Gardens, the giant cement slide at Bear Valley Park that looks like a vagina, the Buckhorn Exchange restaurant with 500 stuffed animals (it’s how I imagine Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s bedroom), the stone marker that claims to be the birthplace of the cheeseburger, and any CVS pharmacy for contraceptives.
ST. LOUIS -- St. Loo is famous of course for the Anheuser-Busch brewery. Although, locals insist it’s not the same now that the Busch family has sold it to Germans. They claim the beer tastes different. I couldn’t tell, but I did notice the Clydesdales goose-stepping in a recent parade.
PHILADELPHIA -- Meant to get out to the Mutter Museum, founded originally to educate doctors of the 19th Century and current HMO’s. Big attractions include conjoined twins and a catalog of foreign objects removed from bodies. Bring the kids!
This is the birthplace of two major revolutions – the American and shopping. It is in nearby Westchester that QVC is located, which is why I thought I saw Marie Osmond at baggage claim waiting at the carousel for 42,000 dolls to come down the chute.
WASHINGTON D.C. -- So much to see: the monuments, Gennifer Flowers’ apartment, Capitol Hill, Paula Jones’ apartment, the White House, Monica Lewinsky’s apartment, the Smithsonian, the DC Madam’s place, the Mint, Elizabeth Ray’s apartment, Arlington Cemetery, Donna Rice’s apartment, and the Watergate hotel.
SAN FRANCISCO -- Fisherman's Wharf is filled with colorful street performers: mimes and jugglers, etc. Most unique was the “Shrub Guy.” He hides behind a shrub in camouflage and when unsuspecting tourists stroll by he leaps out scaring the shit out of them. Meanwhile, other people observe nearby, laugh, and give him money. On a grander scale this is how Liza Minnelli now makes her living. (Sadly, the "Shrub Guy" has moved on.)
BOSTON -- Swung by the Quincy Market. There we ran across the new second Cheers bar. This one, they claim, is set up exactly like the one on TV. Maybe if you've never seen the show. The bar is square and two or three of the pictures on the back wall are the same. Otherwise, the bar on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine looks more like the real Cheers.
MILWAUKEE – (on the road with the Dodgers) stayed at the historic Pfister. The Pfister is pfirst class. It’s an old regal downtown hotel that just happens to be haunted. Some ballplayers are so freaked they stay elsewhere, or sleep holding a bat for protection. Carlos Gomez of the Twins was getting out of the shower and his iPod suddenly went haywire, so instead of calling AppleCare (or Ghostbusters?), he raced out to the lobby without his pants. I shared a room with the Ghost of Christmas Future. He told me that “UFC Undisputed” will sell out quick this season so shop early.
One thing I’ve discovered about Milwaukee – it’s in a time warp. The buildings, the cars, the people – it’s 1956. Friday night’s postgame concert featured newcomers Buddy Holly and the Crickets. In an attempt to blend in I wore an “Adlai Stevenson for President” button.
FLORIDA – (business trip with my writing partner, David) If a studio was paying for this trip we would have stayed in Naples. But since it was our own dime, Bonita Beach was our Gateway to the Gulf home. In the ‘20s there was this cult, the Koreshans, who believed that Bonita Beach was the center of the world. It was a celibate tribe so unfortunately it no longer exists. (Darwin works!) There’s just a state park in their honor. And if I’m not mistaken, the Hampton Inn we were staying at is at the center of Bonita Beach, and room 229, just to our left, is the absolute DEAD center of the world.
No wonder the Holiday Inn across the street is proud. Their marquee proclaims “Number one guest rated shower heads.”
Favorite store name (maybe ever): “Master Bait & Tackle Shop” on Bonita Beach Road. Yes, I purchased t-shirts.
See? How can you leave home without this book???
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