Okay, are you ready? Here we go.
JOHNNY KNEW HIS GIRLFRIEND WAS SEEING SOMEONE ELSE WHEN__________ .
Good luck. Have fun. Be funny. Check in periodically today to see some of the submissions. And thanks in advance for playing the game.
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
You write the punchline
Okay, are you ready? Here we go.
JOHNNY KNEW HIS GIRLFRIEND WAS SEEING SOMEONE ELSE WHEN__________ .
Good luck. Have fun. Be funny. Check in periodically today to see some of the submissions. And thanks in advance for playing the game.
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176 comments :
when the condoms she gave him were too big.
God help me for that one. Also a good Matchgame answer.
when he got the invitation to their wedding.
when he didn't recognize the male feet next to hers in the "girls trip" Instagram post.
She showed up wearing an "I'm With Stupid" T-Shirt.
When she put him at the kids' table for her wedding...
When he got seated at the kids' table for her wedding...
She kept screaming the wrong name during sex. What kind of name is "Don Stupp" anyway?
...when the NSA's weekly transcript of her phone calls showed a 50% increase in phrases like "smooshy gooshy" and "baby wabie".
...when Kanye West dedicated his new album to her.
Her dog didn't hump his leg when he got there: in fact, it was already smoking its cigarette.
he got the invitation to her wedding.
he heard her ringtone "Secret Lover."
he saw how the TV series ended.
her son tells her that "Daddy" will be home in a half hour.
he met her at a couples retreat.
...he saw a new name under his on her list of back tattoos.
Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when he noticed her lazy eye.
Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when she texted that she felt guilty and wanted to stop seeing him.
JOHNNY KNEW HIS GIRLFRIEND WAS SEEING SOMEONE ELSE WHEN SHE TOLD HIM SHE WAS THINKING OF GETTING A DIVORCE.
Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when she said her hero was Tiger Woods. She didn't play golf.
When she screamed out "OK" during sex.
when her underwear started falling off him.
... when he found them standing in the groom's place at the wedding altar.
...when she would only make love to him in the fetal position.
When she wrote "Have a good life" on his Valentine's card.
when she shaved her legs before having lunch with her "mother".
he received the wedding invitation...
When she accidentally sent Johnny a text saying "You are so good in bed."
when she started asking questions that began, "do guys like it when...?"
when she bought him a 3 month subscription on Match.com.
...the oven repairman needed to fix the faulty gas valve located behind the headboard of her bedroom. On the plus side, the "yes, yes, yes!" he heard clearly showed he was making good progress...
when she said she was just kidding about that whole "why aren't we engaged" thing a few months back.
...the photos in the apartment her and Johnny now showed her and a drawing of a man that said, "This could be YOU!"
Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when she called out the wrong name as they were making love... then corrected herself with yet another wrong name.
...the TV show "Cheaters" left JOHNNY daily voice mails.
... he found a stranger standing in the groom's spot at the wedding altar.
...when she suddenly started comparing him to Kierkegaard.
...when his toothbrush was always wet when he got home on Wednesdays.
...when her "me" time became "three" time.
...when her parrot suddenly starting saying "Oh Bridget, make me come!"
Ken: A Friday question. This morning on Entertainment Weekly radio, the subject was "Cheers."
They batted around these questions and I would be interested in your responses. Mine are in parentheses.
Diane or Rebecca? (Diane)
Coach or Woody (tough call)
Cliff or Norm (NORM!)
Best episode: The Days of Wine and Neuroses/Wedding Bell Blues (I don't know from best episodes, but the pilot is pretty much perfection).
Her phone automatically connected to his best friend's wifi.
"KEN LEVINE DECIDED TO WRITE AN EPISODE OF THE NEW MATCH GAME STARRING ALEC BALDWIN!!"
he discovered she wasnt blind.
...she caught a bad cold. Every time she answers the phone, her voice is way deeper and she's always out of breath.
... she became a Republican.
JOHNNY KNEW HIS GIRLFRIEND WAS SEEING SOMEONE ELSE WHEN
she explained what a plus-two meant.
Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when...
...his 3-year old son asked him why he didn’t have as much hair as “new daddy.”
...he secretly texted his girlfriend’s best friend with “I’m pregnant” and she responded “By who?”
...the DNA test came back with 0.0% probability that he was the father.
...her late-night Taco Bell runs started lasting 2 hours, but the toilet flushed as smoothly as ever.
...she found a way to work into every conversation that Edgar Allen Poe, Albert Einstein and Charles Darwin all married their cousins.
These are FANTASTIC so far!!!
... the child she was babysitting drove her home from the nightclub.
... she bought clothes for her lover and none of them fitted him.
...when he was performing ceremony at their wedding.
when she showed up to get here things in her new habits uniform.
When she didn't laugh at his classic "washing the dog" story. It wasn't MY dog!
She introduced him to her husband.
When they walked in to the Swingers Club for the first time, all the guys saw her and yelled, "Norma!"
...she re-tweeted Tony's podcast announcement.
..... he had to keep climbing over Fred to get to the bathroom.
when his dog met him at the door, growling.
when his clothes all started to be tie-dyed.
when his best friend started hogging the blanket.
when he met the postman leaving the apartment....twice a day
when his dog met him at the door and started growling.
when his clothes all started to be tie-dyed.
when he started meeting the postman as he left...twice a day
when his best friend started hogging all of the blankets at night
when she started refering to him as, 'oh, you again..'
OK... even though I'm pretty sure these are all used already....
-- the new guy's snoring woke him up.
-- his stuff was out on the curb when he came home... to his own apartment.
-- two years passed by without a word from her. He didn't jump to conclusions quickly, but when he did, he was certain. Well, pretty certain. He'd give her just six more months....
-- he saw the engagement notice in the Times. Mind you, he'd been getting suspicious before that.
-- he received an invitation to the wedding.
...I told him.
...her "brother" asked him to stop tagging along to dinner.
...he found his car's brake lines had been cut as he careened off a cliff down the Springfield Gorge.
...she bought him a Patriots jersey for his birthday instead of Seahawks.
...they ran into each other at the shady motel off the interstate.
I saved the best for last
...Ed McMahon accidentally said "Heeeere's Jay!" at the beginning of the show.
-her valentine card to him was addressed to Whom It May Concern.
-she insisted they take their "weekend getaway" on different weekends.
-she went from calling him "Cutie Buns" to "Lard Ass".
-she began introducing him as "Johnny I'm Seeing Someone Else".
— he got a save the date card for her wedding
— she started calling him her ‘poor, sad ex”
— he noticed she had a spring in her step and a shiny new diaphragm case in her bag
— he saw her new very intimate tattoo read ‘Henry Forever'
...she picked him up and the radio was *already* tuned to KSPN.
...the brassieres she left on the floor started getting smaller.
"their" new baby was black and he's not.
... his wife asked him why he was so horny lately.
... when he took her out to dinner on Valentine's Day and the maitre d handed her the scarf she'd left behind at lunch.
Her Facebook status changed to "It's Complicated".
When the milkman stopped delivering.
- he saw Tom Brady running naked from his house, and his balls were definitely not deflated.
…he noticed her checks now list the new guy on their joint bank account. Seriously though, who uses checks anymore?
... when her house was full of pokeman icons.
no leftover wedding cake for prizes?
bryan north of seattle
her house was littered with pokeman balls on his app.
...there was white-out over her tattoo.
...during sex she didn't scream out my name, she yelled, "occupant."
...she started buying condoms at Costco.
...Facebook sent him an automated "Dear John" status update.
Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when someone else put a ring on it!
...when his therapist answered her phone.
...when she stopped asking him if she was fat.
...when she asked the B&B about the charge for an extra mattress.
...when she started talking about her twin sister.
she asked him to tend bar at her wedding.
she asked him to tend bar at her wedding.
...she lost 9 pounds, 6 ounces.
...she bent over.
...he bookmarked WebMD.
when he didn't see her on payday.
when his mail started saying "Schmuck" instead of "Occupant".
when his mother called him and told him: "Don't worry, they won't last!"
when eHarmony called and said: "We're here for you."
When he saw her email from Craigslist asking how long she was keeping her ad up in casual encounters.
-When he called her and said "it's your boy friend", she asked him to be more specific.
-when he used her cell phone and asked Siri to "Call boyfriend", someone else's phone rang
-it was too moist and slippery when she came back from visiting a "friend"
...he saw her with someone else. That's why they call it money.
he saw her phone receive a text from "Definitely NOT Jonny"
when Netflix told him the account was open on too many devices.
when the bell hop at the hotel complimented him on his weight loss and new haircut.
when the cop told him, "Sir, I'm not telling you again. You don't live here anymore; you have to leave."
stopped feeding the puppy.
bought bacon.
talked about Oscar in her sleep.
shaved her head.
bought a one-way ticket to Paris.
... as he walked in to her bedroom as she finished getting ready for their date, and asked "What perfume are you wearing?" and a voice from the closet said "L'air du Temps." Nobody heard the voice under the bed mumble, "And it was damn expensive too!"
When a 2nd "His" towel appeared on the towel rack
...after a worldwide epidemic, it is confirmed Johnny and his girlfriend are the only two people left alive on Earth...she chats up a tree.
...her preferred method of birth control is putting a man between them.
... she voted "leave."
...when she started appearing in EHarmony commercials--with a big smile on her face.
...when he saw her paycheck stub from the House of the Rising Sun Massage Parlor.
...when she kept nagging him to go over to Oscar's and play poker all night
-30-
when, upon meeting his girlfriend's mom, she said "Nice to meet you, Harry!"
she got into the Titanic's life boat and didn't wave good-bye.
all of her Pokemon Go were captured at his now ex-best friend's apartment.
...he caught his boyfriend wearing her panties.
...when post-sex kisses and cuddles were replaced with a written evaluation and a handshake.
...his wife told him Emily got married to Rebecca.
...he read a 10th Wedding Anniversary announcement about her in the paper.
...he finally asked about that "Ted" tattoo she got 3 years earlier.
...her mother hit on him now that he was "available".
...he got back his sperm, still frozen.
Friday questions,
After watching early vs later seasons of MASH, I seem to notice much more inventive ways to film opening establishing shots of the episodes in the early years vs late years. For example, there were many long shots through tent windows or doors, versus a quick set up 3 shot in the mess tent...is there a budget or time consideration that goes into that sort of thing? Or something else?
Dave
Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when
...she started napping before they went to bed.
...she began calling him "Big Mike".
...she said that she was getting hooked on ESPN.
...she went on a honeymoon with his friend Brian.
He saw a sex tape of her with another guy on a porn site
Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when
…she started napping before they went to bed.
…she began calling him Big Mike.
…she said that she was getting hooked on ESPN.
…she went on a honeymoon with his friend Brian.
...the PI he hired to spy on her told him, "What a crazy coincidence, you're the third guy this week who's asked me to see if she's cheating on him."
... when she said, "I'm seeing someone else."
On a related note... Remember Albert Brooks' album "Comedy Minus One"?
Here, someone performs it (that is, he reads along as the minus-one guy): https://youtu.be/MsN2r_-_IyA
(I love the premise of doing this, but I'm not sure even Andy Kaufman could have pulled it off for the full 9 minutes.)
@ Mike Schryver said "... when his mail started saying 'Schmuck' instead of 'Occupant'."
If there's an afterlife, somewhere my dad is cracking up at that. Bravo!
...she lost her eyeglasses.
she returned from her scrapbooking class in a cocktail dress.
she picked up his birthday dinner from the hot bar at 7-11.
she lost 25 pounds without mentioning it.
she shopped for silk underwear but he only saw her in cotton.
he noticed notches in her dress belt.
his DVR was filled with episodes of 'The L Word.'
she started being nice to him.
...
...when he opened his Pokemon Go game and found a Pikachu on his bed.
...when he found a condom wrapper printed with the letter "T" in gold and the words "Size: HUUUUUGE."
...when she changed her Facebook status from "in a relationship" to "I'm thinking..."
... when he saw an Ashley Madison charge on his credit card.
When she yelled "POKEMON GO!" out without a phone in her hand....
... their reality show was renewed but his contract wasn't.
... everybody kept consoling that other guy at her funeral.
... his mistress told him.
...his booty calls went to phonemail.
... she started calling him the second worst lover she ever had.
... divorce lawyers began sending him kitchen magnets and notepads.
... she knew what an orgasm was.
When she kept commenting what a cute couple he and her least attractive friend would be.
...when she hung on the wall an "Employee of the Month" plaque given to her by the local brothel.
...when your best friend complains that he saw her coming out of a cheap motel room and he can't believe "she's cheating on us!"
...when her mom writes in her birthday car "Happy you traded up!"
...when she started buying Massengill by the crate.
and the number one way to tell when your girlfriend is cheating on you
...when they named the new character after her on "Two Broke Girls"!!!!
...when she hung on the wall an "Employee of the Month" plaque given to her by the local brothel.
...when your best friend complains that he saw her coming out of a cheap motel room and he can't believe "she's cheating on us!"
...when her mom writes in her birthday car "Happy you traded up!"
...when she started buying Massengill by the crate.
and the number one way to tell when your girlfriend is cheating on you
...when they named the new character after her on "Two Broke Girls"!!!!
she asked him to be the godfather of her next child
xwordz
... she went to couples counseling without him.
... she yelled, "Can't EITHER of you put the damn seat down?"
... her face appeared on a Boy Scout merit badge.
... he finally went to church with her one Sunday, and the priest asked her "Where's your husband?"
-- he noticed their insurance agent looked just like Fred MacMurray.
... the escort service said she would be booked for the next two hours.
…the HBO Go password no longer worked.
... she'd hop into bed and say, "Foreplay? It's been taken care of."
When she asked him if he wanted a threesome.....and not the good kind.
his best friend finally bought a round of drinks.
When I told her I bought a pack of condoms and she asked if I kept the Receipt.
William
he found the toilet seat up at her place.
she introduced him to the in-laws.
he received the restraining order that named him and three other guys.
their kids always said "Daddy!" whenever they saw Charlie Sheen.
Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when she misplaced her virginity.
she began introducing Johnny to people as "my other boyfriend."
A few more...
...she came home from the summer Olympics with Zika -- which was bad enough, but then he learned that was the name of the Ukrainian shotput champion.
...she kept going to bed with "Mr. Robot," which he assumed was her vibrator until he learned she knew Christian Slater.
...she stopped at her friend Dave's house on the way home from work so often that the Waze app was listing it as a shortcut.
Ken Levine said... "These are FANTASTIC so far!!!"
Weird, I've never heard that after I've done one.
…when he saw her at the press conference standing right behind Governor Florrick.
...she enthusiastically replied: "Great! Have fun!" when he suggested going backpacking in Asia for three weeks.
He asked her out to dinner and she asked if it was plus one.
She finally noticed how small his feet were.
He had to start watching where he lay on the mattress before they had sex.
... he saw she was happy.
, without provocation said "ya know, those Trump Steaks are pretty good"
She was waiting for him at the airport, holding a sign with his name on it.
…When a naked man kiss him in bed and says: is he gone?
JOHNNY KNEW HIS GIRLFRIEND WAS SEEING SOMEONE ELSE WHEN_
... she started complimenting him on his hair, but he had none.
... she called to say she'd be home late from work, but didn't have a job.
... she said he didn't think he measured up to his father and then pulled out a ruler.
... he asked for sex, she quoted him a rate.
... she suggested they have date nights - Fridays for her; Saturdays for him.
... he waved at her and she walked right past him.
when SHE said; that's what I meant to say
She said "not tonight I have a date."
He asked her for a blowjob and she said "I already gave at the office."
His eye surgery was successful.
He climaxed during sex and she said "that's the second time that's happened today."
When she said "do you see that man over there?"
... they had sex one night and she yelled out the names of all the players on the local college football team, along with their individual stats.
... he noticed that the towels in her bathroom were marked "His," "Hers" and "Twice the Man You Are."
...her relationship status changed to "it's less complicated than you think".
...when Maury said, "You are NOT the father!".
...she was deflated when he got home.
...she suggested wearing nametags in bed.
".....he received an invitation to her wedding".
Two more:
1) ...when he ran into one of the girls from her book club and she was like, "What book club?".
2) ...when the minister at their wedding asked whether anyone had any reason why they shouldn't be wed, and half the men in the church raised their hands.
Anti-jokes:
1) he framed me for her murder.
2) she confessed as I slowly pulled the trigger.
3) she whispered it in my ear as the cancer triumphed.
... she stopped trying to change him
...when she began dolling herself up before each session with her personal trainer.
...when she fantasized openly about experiencing a threesome...and he wasn't included.
...when her parents asked if he was the lawyer she'd been seeing, not knowing Johnny actually worked at a supermarket.
Oops. I'd forgotten we could submit only five. (I submitted six.) My apologies -- and feel free to eliminate any of them.
she explained the infield fly rule perfectly,,,
...she told him she donated her fuzzy handcuffs to Goodwill.
...she said she was going out for a pack of cigarettes -- and she took everything she owned with her.
...she said to him, "Did you know that sometimes the WOMAN gets to finish first?"
...she tried to convince him that his recent bout of crabs probably came from trying on pants at the mall.
...he saw that the top story on "Entertainment Tonight" was "Amber Heard is stepping out with a new guy."
... she said she was pregnant
... he met him at her funeral
She told him she was going to appear on NAKED AND AFRAID at a downtown hotel.
He sneaked into her apartment to prepare the bed with rose petals and sprinkled them over another guy's rump.
Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when...
his wife showed him their sex tape on Gawker.
...when he saw her with someone else.
PS to K.W. Leslie - I still pay most of my bills by writing/mailing checks. It helps create jobs. Or at least slows down eliminating some of 'em.
Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when...
his Netflix kept recommending cooking shows.
...he learned that two white people can't make a half-Filipino baby.
...he noticed she was actually happy
...she rolled over in bed, asked to have sex, and then said, "oh, sorry, I thought you were someone else."
...she called her new autobiography, "Secretly Polygamous--the Johnny's Girlfriend Story."
...she named their newborn baby, "Ken Levine Jr."
When his wife told him
when her name was Taylor Swift.
when she switched her voicemail for a ticket machine
...when he asked what she bought on her shopping trip and she said "nothing, I was just looking". (true story)
He noticed that her yoga instructor, chiropractor, auto mechanic, therapist and uber driver were all named Mmmm Antonio.
He looked in her purse and found the book "Relationships Done Right" by Joan Collins.
She placed an extra large bottle of lotion, a box of Kleenex and a Playboy on his nightstand.
She got him a yellow lab for his birthday "for companionship" ... even though she has a nasty allergy to dogs.
She began constantly showing him photos of her sister, saying, "and all my ex-boyfriends say she has the best boobs."
I might be too tardy to the party but I'll submit for fun.
Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when...
She got more aroused doing her taxes than she did in bed with him.
Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when...
She started smelling more like Old Spice than he did.
Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when...
She stopped reading Church Goers Weekly and started reading the Karma Sutra.
... she tried to persuade him that he needed a penicillin shot for her kidney infection.
Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when he received their wedding invitation.
when she inadvertently sexted a picture of the tattoo on her upper inner thigh that had the name Nick.
she suddenly started to wear boxer shorts... and they just weren't his color!
She started taking showers again.
JOHNNY KNEW HIS GIRLFRIEND WAS SEEING SOMEONE ELSE WHEN
The wedding invitation arrived.
She bought a His n' Hers n' His towel set.
Her boss turned up unexpectedly and she asked him to hide in the wardrobe.
She complained that he wasn't spending enough time at the office.
He turned over to give her a kiss in the night and felt stubble.
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