Wednesday, July 13, 2016

You write the punchline

I did this once before and it was great fun.  I provide the set-up and you guys provide the punchline.  Tomorrow I discuss some of them.   And tell you what I wrote.  Sorry, no prizes to give away.  I'm a poor blogger.   This exercise comes courtesy of Andy Goldberg's improv class.   Leave your punchlines in the comment section.  You're welcome to submit up to five.   And don't worry if yours is similar to someone else's.  I'll just assume you didn't read the entries before yours.   You don't have to repeat the set-up -- just fill in your answer. 

Okay, are you ready?  Here we go.

JOHNNY KNEW HIS GIRLFRIEND WAS SEEING SOMEONE ELSE WHEN__________

Good luck.  Have fun.  Be funny.  Check in periodically today to see some of the submissions.  And thanks in advance for playing the game.

181 comments:

Jim S said...

when the condoms she gave him were too big.

God help me for that one. Also a good Matchgame answer.

Tudor Queen said...

when he got the invitation to their wedding.

Anonymous said...

when he didn't recognize the male feet next to hers in the "girls trip" Instagram post.

Vonni said...

She showed up wearing an "I'm With Stupid" T-Shirt.

Rappster said...

When she put him at the kids' table for her wedding...

Rappster said...

When he got seated at the kids' table for her wedding...

Vonni said...

She kept screaming the wrong name during sex. What kind of name is "Don Stupp" anyway?

Mitchell Hundred said...

...when the NSA's weekly transcript of her phone calls showed a 50% increase in phrases like "smooshy gooshy" and "baby wabie".

Jonathan said...

...when Kanye West dedicated his new album to her.

Vonni said...

Her dog didn't hump his leg when he got there: in fact, it was already smoking its cigarette.

Matt said...

he got the invitation to her wedding.

he heard her ringtone "Secret Lover."

he saw how the TV series ended.

her son tells her that "Daddy" will be home in a half hour.

he met her at a couples retreat.

Jonathan said...

...he saw a new name under his on her list of back tattoos.

Mary Ann Lewis said...

Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when he noticed her lazy eye.

Mary Ann Lewis said...

Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when she texted that she felt guilty and wanted to stop seeing him.

Mateo said...

...she gave him a madlib to fill out: "I'm (Verb) on you with (name) because you never (verb). You bastard."

Pat Quinn said...


JOHNNY KNEW HIS GIRLFRIEND WAS SEEING SOMEONE ELSE WHEN SHE TOLD HIM SHE WAS THINKING OF GETTING A DIVORCE.

Mary Ann Lewis said...

Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when she said her hero was Tiger Woods. She didn't play golf.

Peter said...

When she screamed out "OK" during sex.

Jerry Krull said...

when her underwear started falling off him.

Mike said...

... when he found them standing in the groom's place at the wedding altar.

Mateo said...

...when she would only make love to him in the fetal position.

Peter said...

When she wrote "Have a good life" on his Valentine's card.

Jerry Krull said...

when she shaved her legs before having lunch with her "mother".

Anonymous said...

he received the wedding invitation...

Peter said...

When she accidentally sent Johnny a text saying "You are so good in bed."

Jerry Krull said...

when she started asking questions that began, "do guys like it when...?"

Jerry Krull said...

when she bought him a 3 month subscription on Match.com.

Brian Phillips said...

...the oven repairman needed to fix the faulty gas valve located behind the headboard of her bedroom. On the plus side, the "yes, yes, yes!" he heard clearly showed he was making good progress...

ELS said...

...he felt three hands on his butt during sex.

Jerry Krull said...

when she said she was just kidding about that whole "why aren't we engaged" thing a few months back.

Brian Phillips said...

...the photos in the apartment her and Johnny now showed her and a drawing of a man that said, "This could be YOU!"

Mitchell McLean said...

Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when she called out the wrong name as they were making love... then corrected herself with yet another wrong name.

Brian Phillips said...

...the TV show "Cheaters" left JOHNNY daily voice mails.

Mike said...

... he found a stranger standing in the groom's spot at the wedding altar.

Newtronic said...

...when she suddenly started comparing him to Kierkegaard.

...when his toothbrush was always wet when he got home on Wednesdays.

...when her "me" time became "three" time.

...when her parrot suddenly starting saying "Oh Bridget, make me come!"

Donald said...

Ken: A Friday question. This morning on Entertainment Weekly radio, the subject was "Cheers."
They batted around these questions and I would be interested in your responses. Mine are in parentheses.

Diane or Rebecca? (Diane)
Coach or Woody (tough call)
Cliff or Norm (NORM!)
Best episode: The Days of Wine and Neuroses/Wedding Bell Blues (I don't know from best episodes, but the pilot is pretty much perfection).

badhatharry said...

Her phone automatically connected to his best friend's wifi.

Anonymous said...

"KEN LEVINE DECIDED TO WRITE AN EPISODE OF THE NEW MATCH GAME STARRING ALEC BALDWIN!!"

daniel in cherry hill said...

he discovered she wasnt blind.

Brian Phillips said...

...she caught a bad cold. Every time she answers the phone, her voice is way deeper and she's always out of breath.

Andrew said...

... she became a Republican.

Bill Slankard said...

JOHNNY KNEW HIS GIRLFRIEND WAS SEEING SOMEONE ELSE WHEN
she explained what a plus-two meant.

Glenn said...

Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when...

...his 3-year old son asked him why he didn’t have as much hair as “new daddy.”

...he secretly texted his girlfriend’s best friend with “I’m pregnant” and she responded “By who?”

...the DNA test came back with 0.0% probability that he was the father.

...her late-night Taco Bell runs started lasting 2 hours, but the toilet flushed as smoothly as ever.

...she found a way to work into every conversation that Edgar Allen Poe, Albert Einstein and Charles Darwin all married their cousins.

Ken Levine said...

These are FANTASTIC so far!!!

Mike said...

... the child she was babysitting drove her home from the nightclub.
... she bought clothes for her lover and none of them fitted him.

Greg Coleman said...

...when he was performing ceremony at their wedding.

Herschel said...

when she showed up to get here things in her new habits uniform.

Mateo said...

When she didn't laugh at his classic "washing the dog" story. It wasn't MY dog!

Celeste Perry said...

She introduced him to her husband.

MacGilroy said...

When they walked in to the Swingers Club for the first time, all the guys saw her and yelled, "Norma!"

Mateo said...

...she re-tweeted Tony's podcast announcement.

CRL said...

..... he had to keep climbing over Fred to get to the bathroom.

Anonymous said...

when his dog met him at the door, growling.

when his clothes all started to be tie-dyed.

when his best friend started hogging the blanket.

when he met the postman leaving the apartment....twice a day

MDHaines said...

when his dog met him at the door and started growling.

when his clothes all started to be tie-dyed.

when he started meeting the postman as he left...twice a day

when his best friend started hogging all of the blankets at night

when she started refering to him as, 'oh, you again..'

The Curmudgeon said...

OK... even though I'm pretty sure these are all used already....


-- the new guy's snoring woke him up.

-- his stuff was out on the curb when he came home... to his own apartment.

-- two years passed by without a word from her. He didn't jump to conclusions quickly, but when he did, he was certain. Well, pretty certain. He'd give her just six more months....

-- he saw the engagement notice in the Times. Mind you, he'd been getting suspicious before that.

-- he received an invitation to the wedding.

Covarr said...

...I told him.
...her "brother" asked him to stop tagging along to dinner.
...he found his car's brake lines had been cut as he careened off a cliff down the Springfield Gorge.
...she bought him a Patriots jersey for his birthday instead of Seahawks.
...they ran into each other at the shady motel off the interstate.


I saved the best for last

...Ed McMahon accidentally said "Heeeere's Jay!" at the beginning of the show.

Chester said...

-her valentine card to him was addressed to Whom It May Concern.

-she insisted they take their "weekend getaway" on different weekends.

-she went from calling him "Cutie Buns" to "Lard Ass".

-she began introducing him as "Johnny I'm Seeing Someone Else".

tony libido said...

— he got a save the date card for her wedding

— she started calling him her ‘poor, sad ex”

— he noticed she had a spring in her step and a shiny new diaphragm case in her bag

— he saw her new very intimate tattoo read ‘Henry Forever'

Do You Do Any Wings? said...

...she picked him up and the radio was *already* tuned to KSPN.

Steve Bailey said...

...the brassieres she left on the floor started getting smaller.

Anonymous said...

"their" new baby was black and he's not.

Bob Zirunkel said...

... his wife asked him why he was so horny lately.

Mark P. said...

... when he took her out to dinner on Valentine's Day and the maitre d handed her the scarf she'd left behind at lunch.

John Lloyd said...

Her Facebook status changed to "It's Complicated".

Jason Suarez said...

When the milkman stopped delivering.

Janice C. said...

- he saw Tom Brady running naked from his house, and his balls were definitely not deflated.

Karen Hall said...

...the pizza guy said, "You don't LOOK like an asshole."

K.W. Leslie said...

…he noticed her checks now list the new guy on their joint bank account. Seriously though, who uses checks anymore?

Big B's Random Blog said...

... when her house was full of pokeman icons.

no leftover wedding cake for prizes?

bryan north of seattle

Big B's Random Blog said...

her house was littered with pokeman balls on his app.

Neumms said...

...there was white-out over her tattoo.

...during sex she didn't scream out my name, she yelled, "occupant."

...she started buying condoms at Costco.

Chris said...

...Facebook sent him an automated "Dear John" status update.

Brook Durham said...

Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when someone else put a ring on it!

Jerod Butt said...

...when his therapist answered her phone.

Jawaman said...

...when she stopped asking him if she was fat.
...when she asked the B&B about the charge for an extra mattress.
...when she started talking about her twin sister.

Anonymous said...

she asked him to tend bar at her wedding.

Doug R said...

she asked him to tend bar at her wedding.

Bradley said...

...she lost 9 pounds, 6 ounces.
...she bent over.
...he bookmarked WebMD.

Astroboy said...

when he didn't see her on payday.

Mike Schryver said...

when his mail started saying "Schmuck" instead of "Occupant".

Astroboy said...

when his mother called him and told him: "Don't worry, they won't last!"

Astroboy said...

when eHarmony called and said: "We're here for you."

Anonymous said...

When he saw her email from Craigslist asking how long she was keeping her ad up in casual encounters.

Unknown said...

-When he called her and said "it's your boy friend", she asked him to be more specific.
-when he used her cell phone and asked Siri to "Call boyfriend", someone else's phone rang
-it was too moist and slippery when she came back from visiting a "friend"

Jon B. said...

...he saw her with someone else. That's why they call it money.

MikeNJD said...

he saw her phone receive a text from "Definitely NOT Jonny"

Katie G. said...


when Netflix told him the account was open on too many devices.

when the bell hop at the hotel complimented him on his weight loss and new haircut.

when the cop told him, "Sir, I'm not telling you again. You don't live here anymore; you have to leave."

Amy said...

stopped feeding the puppy.

bought bacon.

talked about Oscar in her sleep.

shaved her head.

bought a one-way ticket to Paris.

Dan Clavel said...

... as he walked in to her bedroom as she finished getting ready for their date, and asked "What perfume are you wearing?" and a voice from the closet said "L'air du Temps." Nobody heard the voice under the bed mumble, "And it was damn expensive too!"

Wally said...

When a 2nd "His" towel appeared on the towel rack

Brian Phillips said...

...after a worldwide epidemic, it is confirmed Johnny and his girlfriend are the only two people left alive on Earth...she chats up a tree.
...her preferred method of birth control is putting a man between them.

MacGilroy said...

... she voted "leave."

Anonymous said...

...when she started appearing in EHarmony commercials--with a big smile on her face.

...when he saw her paycheck stub from the House of the Rising Sun Massage Parlor.

...when she kept nagging him to go over to Oscar's and play poker all night

-30-

bug said...

when, upon meeting his girlfriend's mom, she said "Nice to meet you, Harry!"

normadesmond said...

she got into the Titanic's life boat and didn't wave good-bye.

VioletStella said...

all of her Pokemon Go were captured at his now ex-best friend's apartment.

Heiron said...

...he caught his boyfriend wearing her panties.

Heiron said...

...when post-sex kisses and cuddles were replaced with a written evaluation and a handshake.

RyderDA said...

...his wife told him Emily got married to Rebecca.

...he read a 10th Wedding Anniversary announcement about her in the paper.

...he finally asked about that "Ted" tattoo she got 3 years earlier.

...her mother hit on him now that he was "available".

...he got back his sperm, still frozen.

Dave said...

Friday questions,
After watching early vs later seasons of MASH, I seem to notice much more inventive ways to film opening establishing shots of the episodes in the early years vs late years. For example, there were many long shots through tent windows or doors, versus a quick set up 3 shot in the mess tent...is there a budget or time consideration that goes into that sort of thing? Or something else?
Dave

Greg said...

Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when
...she started napping before they went to bed.
...she began calling him "Big Mike".
...she said that she was getting hooked on ESPN.
...she went on a honeymoon with his friend Brian.

Michael said...

He saw a sex tape of her with another guy on a porn site

Greg said...

Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when
…she started napping before they went to bed.
…she began calling him Big Mike.
…she said that she was getting hooked on ESPN.
…she went on a honeymoon with his friend Brian.

Anthony said...

...the PI he hired to spy on her told him, "What a crazy coincidence, you're the third guy this week who's asked me to see if she's cheating on him."

Igor said...

... when she said, "I'm seeing someone else."

Igor said...

On a related note... Remember Albert Brooks' album "Comedy Minus One"?

Here, someone performs it (that is, he reads along as the minus-one guy): https://youtu.be/MsN2r_-_IyA

(I love the premise of doing this, but I'm not sure even Andy Kaufman could have pulled it off for the full 9 minutes.)

Igor said...

@ Mike Schryver said "... when his mail started saying 'Schmuck' instead of 'Occupant'."

If there's an afterlife, somewhere my dad is cracking up at that. Bravo!

Jack T said...

...she lost her eyeglasses.

BDG said...

she returned from her scrapbooking class in a cocktail dress.

she picked up his birthday dinner from the hot bar at 7-11.

she lost 25 pounds without mentioning it.

she shopped for silk underwear but he only saw her in cotton.

he noticed notches in her dress belt.

Astroboy said...

his DVR was filled with episodes of 'The L Word.'

Astroboy said...

she started being nice to him.

Ben K. said...

...

...when he opened his Pokemon Go game and found a Pikachu on his bed.

...when he found a condom wrapper printed with the letter "T" in gold and the words "Size: HUUUUUGE."

...when she changed her Facebook status from "in a relationship" to "I'm thinking..."

Earl Boebert said...

... when he saw an Ashley Madison charge on his credit card.

suek2001 said...

When she yelled "POKEMON GO!" out without a phone in her hand....

Donald Benson said...

... their reality show was renewed but his contract wasn't.

... everybody kept consoling that other guy at her funeral.

... his mistress told him.

...his booty calls went to phonemail.

... she started calling him the second worst lover she ever had.

... divorce lawyers began sending him kitchen magnets and notepads.

... she knew what an orgasm was.

Erik Cantu said...

When she kept commenting what a cute couple he and her least attractive friend would be.

Ted Kilvington said...

...when she hung on the wall an "Employee of the Month" plaque given to her by the local brothel.

...when your best friend complains that he saw her coming out of a cheap motel room and he can't believe "she's cheating on us!"

...when her mom writes in her birthday car "Happy you traded up!"

...when she started buying Massengill by the crate.

and the number one way to tell when your girlfriend is cheating on you

...when they named the new character after her on "Two Broke Girls"!!!!

Ted Kilvington said...

...when she hung on the wall an "Employee of the Month" plaque given to her by the local brothel.

...when your best friend complains that he saw her coming out of a cheap motel room and he can't believe "she's cheating on us!"

...when her mom writes in her birthday car "Happy you traded up!"

...when she started buying Massengill by the crate.

and the number one way to tell when your girlfriend is cheating on you

...when they named the new character after her on "Two Broke Girls"!!!!

Anonymous said...

she asked him to be the godfather of her next child

xwordz

Donald Benson said...

... she went to couples counseling without him.

... she yelled, "Can't EITHER of you put the damn seat down?"

... her face appeared on a Boy Scout merit badge.

... he finally went to church with her one Sunday, and the priest asked her "Where's your husband?"

-- he noticed their insurance agent looked just like Fred MacMurray.

James FP said...

... the escort service said she would be booked for the next two hours.

Chris Muir said...

…the HBO Go password no longer worked.

Donald Benson said...

... she'd hop into bed and say, "Foreplay? It's been taken care of."

Mark from florida said...

When she asked him if he wanted a threesome.....and not the good kind.

Astroboy said...

his best friend finally bought a round of drinks.

Big3Fan William said...

When I told her I bought a pack of condoms and she asked if I kept the Receipt.

William

Astroboy said...

he found the toilet seat up at her place.

Astroboy said...

she introduced him to the in-laws.

Charles H. Bryan said...

he received the restraining order that named him and three other guys.

their kids always said "Daddy!" whenever they saw Charlie Sheen.

Brook Durham said...

Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when she misplaced her virginity.

Kosmo13 said...

she began introducing Johnny to people as "my other boyfriend."

BigTed said...

A few more...

...she came home from the summer Olympics with Zika -- which was bad enough, but then he learned that was the name of the Ukrainian shotput champion.

...she kept going to bed with "Mr. Robot," which he assumed was her vibrator until he learned she knew Christian Slater.

...she stopped at her friend Dave's house on the way home from work so often that the Waze app was listing it as a shortcut.

Igor said...

Ken Levine said... "These are FANTASTIC so far!!!"

Weird, I've never heard that after I've done one.

Glenn E said...

…when he saw her at the press conference standing right behind Governor Florrick.

Tore W. said...

...she enthusiastically replied: "Great! Have fun!" when he suggested going backpacking in Asia for three weeks.

H Johnson said...

He asked her out to dinner and she asked if it was plus one.

She finally noticed how small his feet were.

He had to start watching where he lay on the mattress before they had sex.

D. McEwan said...

... he saw she was happy.

Victor Velasco said...

, without provocation said "ya know, those Trump Steaks are pretty good"

Guffman said...

She was waiting for him at the airport, holding a sign with his name on it.

GC said...

…When a naked man kiss him in bed and says: is he gone?

MikeK.Pa. said...

JOHNNY KNEW HIS GIRLFRIEND WAS SEEING SOMEONE ELSE WHEN_

... she started complimenting him on his hair, but he had none.

... she called to say she'd be home late from work, but didn't have a job.

... she said he didn't think he measured up to his father and then pulled out a ruler.

... he asked for sex, she quoted him a rate.

... she suggested they have date nights - Fridays for her; Saturdays for him.




Micah said...

... he waved at her and she walked right past him.

Victor Velasco said...

when SHE said; that's what I meant to say

ELP said...

She said "not tonight I have a date."

He asked her for a blowjob and she said "I already gave at the office."

His eye surgery was successful.

He climaxed during sex and she said "that's the second time that's happened today."

When she said "do you see that man over there?"

Mark Murphy said...

... they had sex one night and she yelled out the names of all the players on the local college football team, along with their individual stats.

... he noticed that the towels in her bathroom were marked "His," "Hers" and "Twice the Man You Are."

Pseudonym said...

...her relationship status changed to "it's less complicated than you think".

Rashad Khan said...

...when Maury said, "You are NOT the father!".

Matthew Kugler said...

...she was deflated when he got home.

...she suggested wearing nametags in bed.

Frank Kuchno said...

".....he received an invitation to her wedding".

Rashad Khan said...

Two more:

1) ...when he ran into one of the girls from her book club and she was like, "What book club?".

2) ...when the minister at their wedding asked whether anyone had any reason why they shouldn't be wed, and half the men in the church raised their hands.

Andrew said...

Anti-jokes:

1) he framed me for her murder.
2) she confessed as I slowly pulled the trigger.
3) she whispered it in my ear as the cancer triumphed.

Craig M said...

... she stopped trying to change him

Rashad Khan said...

...when she began dolling herself up before each session with her personal trainer.

...when she fantasized openly about experiencing a threesome...and he wasn't included.

...when her parents asked if he was the lawyer she'd been seeing, not knowing Johnny actually worked at a supermarket.

Rashad Khan said...

Oops. I'd forgotten we could submit only five. (I submitted six.) My apologies -- and feel free to eliminate any of them.

tommy lasagna said...

she explained the infield fly rule perfectly,,,

Joe Dungan said...


...she told him she donated her fuzzy handcuffs to Goodwill.

...she said she was going out for a pack of cigarettes -- and she took everything she owned with her.

...she said to him, "Did you know that sometimes the WOMAN gets to finish first?"

...she tried to convince him that his recent bout of crabs probably came from trying on pants at the mall.

...he saw that the top story on "Entertainment Tonight" was "Amber Heard is stepping out with a new guy."

Rj said...

... she said she was pregnant
... he met him at her funeral

Cap'n Bob said...

She told him she was going to appear on NAKED AND AFRAID at a downtown hotel.

DwWashburn said...

He sneaked into her apartment to prepare the bed with rose petals and sprinkled them over another guy's rump.

Wayne said...

Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when...

his wife showed him their sex tape on Gawker.

penquin said...

...when he saw her with someone else.


PS to K.W. Leslie - I still pay most of my bills by writing/mailing checks. It helps create jobs. Or at least slows down eliminating some of 'em.

Pete K said...

Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when...
his Netflix kept recommending cooking shows.

Joe J said...

...he learned that two white people can't make a half-Filipino baby.

...he noticed she was actually happy

...she rolled over in bed, asked to have sex, and then said, "oh, sorry, I thought you were someone else."

...she called her new autobiography, "Secretly Polygamous--the Johnny's Girlfriend Story."

...she named their newborn baby, "Ken Levine Jr."

Elizabeth said...

When his wife told him

Phil In Phoenix said...

...when I felt a burning sensation when I peed and went to the doctor and he told me I had a STD and I said "How can I have a STD when I've been with my girlfriend for the last 5 years and have always been faithful and the doctor kinda frowned and just looked away from me and I was like "oh my God" and just started sobbing.

I mean Johnny. Johnny got the STD from his girlfriend. The fucking bitch.

John said...

when her name was Taylor Swift.

dave connors said...

when she switched her voicemail for a ticket machine

thesamechris said...

...when he asked what she bought on her shopping trip and she said "nothing, I was just looking". (true story)

Ryan Dawson said...

He noticed that her yoga instructor, chiropractor, auto mechanic, therapist and uber driver were all named Mmmm Antonio.

He looked in her purse and found the book "Relationships Done Right" by Joan Collins.

She placed an extra large bottle of lotion, a box of Kleenex and a Playboy on his nightstand.

She got him a yellow lab for his birthday "for companionship" ... even though she has a nasty allergy to dogs.

She began constantly showing him photos of her sister, saying, "and all my ex-boyfriends say she has the best boobs."

Jeff :) said...

I might be too tardy to the party but I'll submit for fun.

Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when...

She got more aroused doing her taxes than she did in bed with him.

Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when...

She started smelling more like Old Spice than he did.

Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when...

She stopped reading Church Goers Weekly and started reading the Karma Sutra.

thirteen said...

... she tried to persuade him that he needed a penicillin shot for her kidney infection.

Paul Blake said...

Johnny knew his girlfriend was seeing someone else when he received their wedding invitation.

Gary Benz said...

when she inadvertently sexted a picture of the tattoo on her upper inner thigh that had the name Nick.

SharoneRosen said...

she suddenly started to wear boxer shorts... and they just weren't his color!

Loosh Philbin said...

She started taking showers again.

Steve said...

...she planted melon seed instead of apple.

Johnny Walker said...

JOHNNY KNEW HIS GIRLFRIEND WAS SEEING SOMEONE ELSE WHEN

The wedding invitation arrived.

Johnny Walker said...

She bought a His n' Hers n' His towel set.

Johnny Walker said...

Her boss turned up unexpectedly and she asked him to hide in the wardrobe.

Johnny Walker said...

She complained that he wasn't spending enough time at the office.

Johnny Walker said...

He turned over to give her a kiss in the night and felt stubble.