The cruise, part twos

Next port was Taormina in Sicily. Sicily, of course, is the home of the Mafia and pine nuts. They’re obviously not very sensitive about the Godfather label. Saw a store called “Don Corleone Objects”. T-shirts were sold featuring horse heads.

The picturesque city of Taormina is Pinocchio’s village cut into a mountain. By this time my tolerance for “charming and shopping” was about eleven minutes. It used to be you would go through these little towns to find items you could not find elsewhere. Now everything you could buy in Taormina you can get off the internet. Cheaper. So after zipping through the main drag, snapping pictures we’ll probably toss, we went back down to the beach which was lovely but disappointingly not topless…although I tried to convince my wife it was.

Yes, had pizza. No, it’s not as good as Chicago’s.

Back on the ship for “50’s night”. All the waiters named Zoltan were dressed as car hops. The Vegas type show that night had a 50’s/60’s theme. Eight of the whitest performers in the world belting out Little Richard hits. A gay tenor in a letterman’s sweater saluting “the King”. And if English is your THIRD language you shouldn’t be singing Paul Anka solos. Picture Arnold Schwarzenegger: “Oh vhy of vhy can’t vee tell dem, dis iz not a poopie luvvv?!”. Highlight was the Connie Francis medley. Nuff said.

Everywhere you go on the ship someone is taking your picture. There’s us getting on the boat, us getting off the boat, us hiding from Vera.

Other stewardesses fold guest towels into cute animals. Vera folded ours into swastikas.

Next destination: Santorini. The Greek islands have been the inspiration for many classic works of theatre and MAMA MIA.

Santorini is built on volcanic rock. According to legend (and Donovan), underneath is the lost continent of Atlantis. That’s a stop on the Titanic Mediterranean cruise.

The capitol city, Fira Town, rings the high cliff like a gleaming row of bottom teeth. To get up there you can either take a cable car for 3 euros or ride a stinking donkey for 8. A Jewish couple we met chose the donkeys. It was the first time a Jew EVER selected that option.

Don’t shortchange Santorini by thinking it’s just a party island. They manufacture great natural sponges.

More charm, more stores, more views, more churches, more steps, more ruins, more crowds. “God, this is spectacular. Let’s go.”

All kidding aside, I can’t say enough about Crystal cruise lines. The service was phenomenal and even though I’m sure the help resented and hated us privileged passengers, they never showed it. If you’re going to take a cruise, do it on Crystal…unless it’s to Africa, where pirates attack ships. The only guns on board are the props for the LES MIS medley. Special thanks to our waiter Marinko and Vera for not killing us in our sleep.

Reluctantly, we debarked in Athens and immediately immersed ourselves in the local culture by checking into the Hilton. (Hey, we had Hilton miles. It was free.)

Athens must be Greek for air pollution. But the citizens don’t notice because they’re all smoking.

Couldn’t have picked a better week to be in Athens. They were hosting the gala Eurovision competition. 38 countries were competing in an international singing contest. Imagine the worst of AMERICAN IDOL, UP WITH PEOPLE, and THE GONG SHOW. Abba won this years ago and we’re all still paying for it. Finland won this year. First prize was being able to occupy Norway.

Can’t say much for the local hospitality. Two taxi drivers wouldn’t pick us up and we went into a café and were refused service because we weren’t Greek. I hope one of the many Starbucks in Athens only serves Americans.

We could see the Acropolis from our hotel window. But decided to visit it anyway. Turns out it’s more than just the site of the big Yanni concert, it’s the Birth of Western Civilization.

Warning: It’s a schlep. And most of the good statues have been moved to the British Museum. But it is a truly awesome sight. I mean, to see where Yanni actually performed for a TV audience of over a billion people – wow!

Warning #2: Between the number of tourists and the current restoration project, it’s better to buy postcards of the Parthenon than take your own pictures. There’s no way to take a photo and not have scaffolding and a crane in the shot…which detracts somewhat from the whole “antiquity” thing.

In the underground museum in the Parthenon is a sign that says: “No flash photography. No posing”. To accentuate that point they show a drawing of a smiling girl with a big X across her face.

I was hoping to stumble upon a gyro stand that had a sign “Established 430 BC”.

Flew to London Friday morning. Stayed at the Washington Mayfair. The lobby gives the impression it’s a swanky hotel. Our room, however, was the flat Oliver Twist stepped up to when he left Fagin.

Be prepared for sticker shock. The US dollar is worth 40 pence. Best value: souvenirs at the London Bridge in Lake Havasu.

Tried to go to the Ritz Hotel for high tea, don’tcha know. Unfortunately there’s a six to eight week waiting list. Pity. And we sooo wanted to pay $140 for two pots of tea and a finger cucumber sandwich.

For you ghoulish attraction fans: the basement of Harrods has a memorial to Princess Di and Dodi. It’s next to housewares. Don’t miss it.

Oops! Last November the BBC forgot to renew their license allowing them to tape programs in front of live public audiences. Seems no one in the entire mammoth organization knew it had to be renewed. Last week they got busted. So now while they try to rectify that, all of their sitcoms and other audience shows are done before live audiences of BBC staff members. This includes a teen targeted music program. Today’s hot breakout British bands are performing for a bunch of 55 year old news writers.

Meanwhile, on Channel 4 there’s a series called “99 Ways to Lose Your Virginity”.

Beauty is not wasted on the youth. Every other teenage coed has a face that looks like a knee. And now they all dress like the Spice Girls. That must be “Way #1” of the 99.

Finally a good restaurant in London! There’s now a TGI Friday’s in Leicester Square.

Went to the National Gallery…gift shop. According to the books on display there was an exhibition of American Painters in Paris 1860-1900. I wonder how it was.

Saw the new London revival of Sondheim’s SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH GEORGE. Good but no Crystal Symphony production. And no Mr. Clean coming on stage during curtain calls to remind us of the big art auction on the Lido Deck.

Caught up with Omid Djalili, one of England’s better Iranian comics. Also had dinner with Steven Moffat and Sue Vertue, the creators of my favorite sitcom since the last one I created -- COUPLING. Went to the exclusive Groucho Club. Seems odd that the man who said he’d never belong to any club that would have him as a member has a club.

And now we’re back home with cherished memories, photos, new plates, and a Mastercard bill the size of Portugal’s national budget. But it was worth it. Except for maybe 50’s night. See you at Weight Watchers.

How I spent my May vacation and savings

Okay, here's what my wife and I were doing for two weeks while Howard graciously looked after my blog. Thanks too to all of you who suggested restaurants and points-of-interest. Some we did. Others we would have had we had more time. Why a Mediterranean cruise? Because I'm lazy! Being the reluctant traveler I liked the idea that I could unpack once, just look out my window and the destinations would come to me.

********

The plan was to pick up the ship, Crystal Symphony (rumored to be the finest, confirmed by their brochure) in Lisbon, sail to Gibraltar, Barcelona, Sorrento, Taormina, Santorini, and ending in Athens. From there we’d spend a day in Athens (soaking up the ruins), two in London (getting soaked), and fly back home to LA. Happy to report all went as planned. Except as I write this I don’t know if it’s 5:00 tomorrow or 9:00 yesterday.

Twenty hours traveling door-to-door from our house to the hotel in Lisbon. The most beautiful sight on the whole trip was our luggage coming down the carousel in the Lisbon airport.

Lisbon was fabulous. Someone told me the big attraction was butter. He’s right. I wouldn’t fly twenty hours for it but as butter goes, yeah, pretty great.

Lots of statues but none of Portuguese’s most famous son -- Davey Lopes. Despite winning a Golden Glove in 1978 and hitting 17 home runs twice.

Stayed at the Pestana Palace. It calls itself a hotel & national monument. Vasco da Gama had a weekly poker game in our room before setting out to discover the new world.

The “Mediterranean look” is very popular in Lisbon.

They also have a scaled down Golden Gate bridge and soon a “Disney’s Adventures”. Can Starbucks and Shoney’s be far behind?

No SUV’s, which was very refreshing. Most of the cars looked like little shoes.

Saw an ad for the Champagne Club – “Lisbon’s premiere gentleman club. Continuous table dance and striptease from 10 pm – 4 am. Beautiful girls from all over the world. The ideal CORPORATE environment.”

Boarded the Crystal Symphony for our luxury cruise the same day the last Titanic survivor died. It’s a gorgeous ship. Much nicer than the Love Boat and there were no sad washed-up sitcom stars wandering about (although at the start of the cruise half the women did look like Florence Henderson and by the end they looked like Roseanne).

Which brings me to the food. It was very good. Of course the British thought it was spectacular.

They use 60 tons of foodstuffs for the ten day cruise (59 for the Americans). The galley staff is 90. There is a guy who cleans fish for ten hours a day. The year I worked for Mary Tyler Moore I envied that man.

Our stewardess, Vera, was very efficient. As a girl she was der Fuhrer’s chambermaid.

The hardest working man in show business was our cruise director, Mr. Clean. Picture Dwight D. Eisenhower in an admiral’s uniform, complete with Ike’s tremendous flair for comedy. He comes from your typical entertainment background -- Anti Sub detection unit in Viet Nam and defensive linebacker for the San Diego Chargers. Not only did Mr. Clean host all of the evening entertainment, (“how many of you folks are from out of town?”) he was also the co-anchor of the ship’s “Good Morning” show on channel 27 (“in the top of the news today, the scarf tying class has been moved to the Harmony Deck”), and the (dear God) “5:00 Funnies”.

There are 9 bars, the first one opens at 9 AM. And once a day a “Friends of Bill W.” meeting (AA). By the end of the cruise half the passengers should have attended.

They offer a Beginning Sushi class, whatever that is. Would have signed up but it conflicted with my “Folding Napkins” class.

First port was Gibraltar. Instead of paying a fortune for a ship-arranged tour we hooked up with Arthur, a guy on the pier with a van. Other than the fact that Arthur should have been in a Friends of Bill W. meeting himself, he gave us a great tour. The rock of the Gibraltar consists of limestone formed hundreds of millions of years ago, or, for the “Intelligent Design” people – last June.

From the top you can see Spain and Africa. Arthur thought he could also see Japan. Friends of Bill W, Arthur.

There are 300 apes that reside on Gibraltar. None any cuter than the one on my wife’s head. They are amazingly smart creatures. One won 10 euros off of Arthur playing three card monty.

As for the city of Gibraltar – it’s Catalina with a synagogue.

I always had this fear that when we left for the day sightseeing, Vera was in our stateroom trying on my underwear.

Entertainment Tuesday night: A Judy Garland impersonator. I don’t know, there’s something really creepy about a Judy Garland impersonator who isn’t a man.

Karaoke night – I sang a duet with noted FBI profiler, Clint Van Zandt. There was chemistry. I could feel it.

On formal night the Captain and his officers were introduced. I felt much more secure knowing my future was in the hands of the crew from DAS BOOT.

Met some lovely people from Toronto, Croatia, and ten houses down from us.

Port two was the amazing city of Barcelona (Starbucks on every other corner). Crystal offered a variety of guided tours. Those who signed up received a tag – BAR-A, BAR-B, etc. to differentiate their tours. As a result, all these people were walking around with tags that said BAR-F. Not really what you want to see on a cruise liner.

My wife continued her quest to visit the great museum gift shops of the world. One of these days we’re actually going to go into a museum.

Favorite store name in Barcelona: Very Cheap.

Favorite crew member name: Chief Electrical Engineer – Odd Magne Olsen.

Unlike half the ship’s guests we did not buy a bottle of Absinthe. That’s a liqueur made from wildwood that is banned in the US because apparently it is, well, an opiate. So now we had passengers thinking they’re seeing giant lizards and gryffins. Or, in the case of crew members, an iceberg.

Stopped by a couple of the Gaudi designed homes (not to be confused with gaudy). He was a 19th century architect who was probably the first to work on Absinthe. All of his creations looked like a cross between Sleeping Beauty’s castle, a Fun House, and Jimi Hendrix’s final acid trip. Playful and spectacular, they are not to be missed.

Jesus Christ was taking pictures with tourists in front of the main Gothic cathedral. The fact that he’s doing that these days, collecting street change, suggests that the bumper sticker isn’t true -- Jesus doesn’t save.

Strolled down the famous Las Ramblas shopping street with its colorful stores, flower vendors, and cafés. Lame street performers though. A guy who swallowed balloons. Name me a girl on Santa Monica Blvd. who couldn’t do that.

We had a medical debarkation while sailing by Corsica. Amazingly, there was no mention of it the next day on the “Good Morning Show”. But Mr. Clean did say that Clint Van Zandt’s lecture on “Famous Unsolved Cases of the FBI” was an enjoyable hour not to be missed.

The problem with cruising is that when you reached your destination you had only a few hours to see everything, which of course is impossible. So instead of a leisurely day of sightseeing, it was the AMAZING RACE. Case in point: Sorrento, Italy, the Jewel of the Amalfi Coast. In one nine hour period we saw Sorrento, Positano, Amalfi, Ravello, had lunch, bought ceramics, visited the Hotel San Pietro, took pictures of the picture of Hillary Clinton, covered most of the countryside, stopped for fifteen breathtaking photo ops, shopped for Italian schmatahs, bought gelato, searched for more Absinthe, and toured Pompeii. The AMAZING RACE is easier.

We accomplished all this by hooking up with two other couples and hiring a local taxi driver to be our guide and drive us for the day. Rafaele. We zipped around the Amalfi coast, taking treacherous hairpin turns and naming Grace Kelly movies. Blaring out of his speakers was the Three Tenors singing “My Way” and “Blue Moon”.

Meanwhile, Rafaele pointed out all the landmarks of this history rich area. “Over dere is where dey do the movie, TUSCAN SKY with Diane Lane.” The castles and 500 year old buildings probably were significant too be we didn’t hear about them. “Over dere is where dey do the movie, ONLY YOU with Robert Downey Jr. and Billy Zane.”

Since there were not enough fossils on the ship we had to see the ruins of Pompeii. 2,000 years ago this town was buried and hermetically sealed when Mt. Vesuvius erupted and rained volcanic ash on it. At some point there may be another eruption and 2,000 years from now archeologists will uncover all these people frozen with hand held audio tours pressed against their ears.

Didn’t see the whorehouse paintings, which apparently is the highlight of the site. The perfect Ancient Roman corporate environment.

I asked a guide where Jor-el’s house was. He didn’t get it. Maybe after the Superman movie comes out.

Truth in advertising: A chain of gas stations named AGIP. Considering the prices, “a gyp” is exactly what they are.

Stores in Italy close between 1-4. Finally, a country that is husband-friendly.

For Mother’s Day I asked Vera to have a half dozen roses delivered with a card. What a nice surprise when Debby entered the room and there were the flowers and the receipt. No note, but the receipt was very heartfelt.

******

THE REST TOMORROW (yes, this is my longest travelogue ever)

Staffing Season

Back home with much to catch up on, including sleep and 24 but not in that order. A travelogue on my trip will follow later this week.

Now that the networks have announced their fall schedules and have done their dog and pony shows for disinterested advertisers who are only at the upfronts announcements for the booze and to ogle the girls from the O.C. …

IT’S STAFFING SEASON!!!!

When a showrunner hears from the network that his pilot is not being picked up, his typical reaction is “Oh shit!” If he hears that it is getting a pick up, his reaction is also “Oh shit!” Because now he has to make the show. First order of business is putting together a staff and crew. Showrunners will get calls from agents they’ve never met, climbing on the phone and saying “Hey, guy, how was your weekend?” Like they give a shit how your weekend was. Submissions will be arriving by the truckload.

MAKE SURE YOUR SPEC IS ONE OF THEM.

You’ve slaved away for months. You’ve given it to people you trust and have revised and polished it. You’ve wisely taken out that dream sequence. Now you’re ready.

A couple of things to remember: Readers WANT to like your script. You may only get five or six pages to grab them but they’re desperately looking for the next great writer. Even if there are 500 scripts in the pile, if yours is good it’s going to be recognized. So make sure it’s in that pile.

If you have ANY connections, now is the time to use them. Call in favors. Reconnect with your estranged father. Email your former fiancée who you caught sleeping with your estranged father if her new boyfriend is in the biz. Drop the lawsuit against her even if she’ll make a call on your behalf. So what if it’s humiliating? You’re a writer. Get used to humiliation.

If you can get an agent, even a shitty agent, get him. As long as the agent is a WGA signatory you’re in business. It doesn’t matter that he’s currently renting Philip Marlowe’s old office and his last successful client wrote for MR. PEEPERS. You can do the legwork yourself. Print a bunch of copies of your spec, get his office to stamp them, then send them out yourself.

In some cases being with a small agency can be a plus because if you’re with WMA you know your agent has bigger clients he’s going to push first. That said, if WMA will take you on, thank the Gods and take it.

Check to see which, if any, studio will accept unsolicited scripts.

And finally, send your script to EVERY show you can. Don’t be picky. Send it to network shows, C/W, cable shows, Disney Channel shows, the Cartoon Network – anybody.

The goal is to get noticed. The goal is to impress. The goal is to get hired.

New writers will get their first break this staffing season. New writers will get discovered. Why not you??

Now get on that pile!!!

American Graffiti Idol

Traveling home this weekend. Will probably be jet lagged till August. Thanks again to HH for being my blogmaster.

With the big AMERICAN IDOL finale upon us, the question is posed: at what point does fanatic interest become pathetic obsession? I contend it’s when you pick up that phone and actually vote. That’s when you’ve crossed over to the dark side. But for those like me, who love the show but just can’t bring themselves to take that dangerous step, here’s a little AMERICAN IDOL nostalgia to get you through the weekend – healthily. My observations of the first IDOL finale.

What was with Kelly Clarkson wearing a black schmatah dress OVER jeans?? It's bad enough her music video looked like a Summer's Eve commercial.

Somebody reeeeeally gay dressed the boys.

Who had less to do, the twenty non finalists who basically stood around and were window dressing...or Brian Dunkleman?

I love when Dunkleman said "see you early next year" when all reports say he's gone.

Did any of the girls eat for the last three weeks?

Did all of the girls get their navels pierced over the last three weeks?

Justin wore more make up than Mary Tyler Moore does these days.

In the 60's medley (which they've now done a gazillion times) did you notice that everyone but that horrible Jim got a solo?

Best body: Ryan Starr. She looked hot even when behind the stairs (what a great bit of choreography THAT was).

Ryan Seacrest is gay. I don't care that he slept with Paula Abdul. That just makes him more gay.

Did Kelly go to Debra Messing's hair stylist? Or a Vidal Sassoon trainee?

The country medley was riotous. Thirty Osmonds "gettin' down y'all"!

Who will be the first American Idol finalist to take a gig at a bar mitzvah?

Who will be the first American Idol finalist to wind up the subject of a tragic "E! True Hollywood Story"? Dunkleman doesn't count. He's a given. Today's Lauren Chapin. .

Tamyra Grey has the longest arms in America. I mean, like Inspector Gadget.

The fifteen minutes are ticking.....

Room Service 4

While away in Europe I’m posting my favorite scene from FRASIER that my partner, David Isaacs and I wrote. This is from the “Room Service” episode. The whole act was this one scene, and here’s the conclusion.

INT. BATHROOM

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR. NILES IS LYING SPRAWLED ON THE TOPPLED BREAKFAST CART.

FRASIER

Niles!

NILES

(sitting up) Yes?

FRASIER

Oh my God!

LILITH

I’m so sorry. We didn’t mean for this to happen.

FRASIER

Oh my God!

NILES

She’s telling the truth. It was a mistake. A stupid mistake.

FRASIER

Stop it, Niles. I don’t want to hear how or why or – I just want to get out of here.

FRASIER EXITS THE HOTEL ROOM.

LILITH

Frasier! Frasier!

BUT HE’S OUT THE DOOR.

NILES

This is my worst nightmare.

LILITH

You have egg on your face.

NILES

That’s an understatement. I’m mortified. I –

LILITH

No. Actual egg. It’s in your hair, too.

THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. LILITH OPENS IT AND FRASIER COMES BACK INTO THE HOTEL ROOM.

NILES

I knew you couldn’t stay mad at us.

FRASIER

I’m in a bathrobe, you jackass.

FRASIER BEGINS COLLECTING HIS CLOTHES AS SOMETHING DAWNS ON LILITH.

LILITH

I can understand your shock and – believe me, if I could erase everything that happened last night I would. But if you look at this rationally for a moment, we didn’t technically do anything wrong.

FRASIER

What?! You didn’t do anything wrong?

NILES

I’m a little unclear on that myself but I’m willing to go along with it.

LILITH

You and I are no longer married. Neither is Niles. I won’t say this is my shining hour but we’re not responsible to you or anyone else for our actions.

NILES

(jumping on the bandwagon) Right! And I’m frankly insulted by your outburst.

FRASIER

I can’t believe this! You’re actually defending what you did?

LILITH

Just listen. The past few days have been the worst of my life. I’ve never felt less self-assured, more in need of validation, both as a person and as a woman. And Niles was feeling the same thing.

NILES

Exactly. (realizing) Wait a minute.

LILITH

(to Frasier) Our physical reaction to each other was nothing more than a desperate attempt to reaffirm our own worth.

FRASIER

Very impressive, Lilith. But I happen to be a psychiatrist too. Let me tell you what really transpired. This is a passive-aggressive manifestation of the deep resentments that you both have toward me. You were punishing me for my notoriety. My successful adjustment after our marriage. It is this shared bond that brought you two to your palace of sweet revenge.

LILITH

Allow me to rebut: What a crock.

FRASIER

It is not!

LILITH

This is yet another example of your complete self-absorption and the reason we could not stay together in the first place.

FRASIER

I think I have a right to -- why am I defending myself?

NILES

If you ask me, you’re both off the mark. Last night was all about two people ruled by very strong superegos, tortured by them, who had a chance, however misguided, to break through and rediscover their ids together. Call me an old softy, but that’s how I see it.

FRASIER

(a beat, then) Okay, then… the three of us have certainly analyzed the crap out of this.

LILITH

Where does that leave us?

NILES

Yes. Where do we all go from here?

FRASIER

(after a beat) I don’t know.

THERE’S AN AWKWARD SILENCE. A CELL PHONE RINGS IN THE CLOSET.

NILES

Oh, that’s mine.

NILES GOES TO THE CLOSET TO SEARCH FOR HIS CELL PHONE.

LILITH

You realize if you had simply given in to me last night instead of this morning, the three of us wouldn’t be in this hell?

FRASIER

No, it would be the two of us in a whole different hell.

NILES

(into phone) Niles Crane… Absolutely not. We agreed on a figure… Well that’s too damned bad. I’ve been manipulated enough by you jackals. I’ll see you in court. (hangs up) The very idea that Maris would still think… (realizes) Hey, wait a minute… I’m not sleeping. By all rights the strain of that conversation should have caused me to go out like a light. And instead I feel alert. Almost invigorated.

LILITH

It’s not surprising. Your experience with Maris over the past few months has been emasculating. Last night may have gone a long way toward restoring your self-confidence.

NILES

Yes. And by the same token, you can give up the neurotic assumption that Brian left you because you’re not attractive. You’ve had ample evidence to the contrary.

LILITH

Yes, I have. To hell with Brian. If he wants a doting little wife he can keep Stan.

FRASIER

Well, this just worked out great for everyone, didn’t it? You two solved your problems. The waiter got a handsome tip. Come on, everyone, on my cue… a rousing chorus of “Oh Happy Day.”

LILITH

Please try to understand.

NILES

Yes, what happened was nothing more than –

FRASIER

Oh, stop it, both of you. Enough. It happened, and I’m going to have to deal with it. (then) I suppose in a twisted way there is one positive in this for me. You see, Lilith, I have never stopped desiring you, even though we are completely wrong for each other. But now, from this day forward, whenever I look at your face, I’ll see the back of my brother’s head, and that’s better than a dead horse any day.

LILITH

Well, I’m glad to hear that… I suppose. You know, Frasier –

FRASIER

Enough, Lilith.

LILITH

All right. Maybe I’ll just go have some breakfast.

LILITH GOES INTO THE BATHROOM. THERE’S AN AWKWARD SILENCE. FRASIER AND NILES DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO EACH OTHER. FINALLY:

NILES

Are we okay?

FRASIER

No, we’re not. (beat) But we will be.

NILES

Well that’s enough for now. (then) We’re an odd little family, aren’t we?

FRASIER

Yeah, like the one in Deliverance.

THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

WAITER (OC)

Room service.

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR. THE WAITER ENTERS WITH ANOTHER BREAKFAST CART.

WAITER

Here’s the eggs Benedict, and --

THE WAITER LOOKS AROUND AND NOTICES THERE’S NO LILITH, JUST TWO MEN IN BATHROBES.

WAITER

Ohh-kay.

AND HE TURNS AND EXITS, AS WE:

FADE OUT. THE END.

Room Service 3

The plot thickens. Here’s more of the scene from the “Room Service” episode of FRASIER that David Isaacs and I wrote. The entire second act was one scene, more like a play.

INT. LILITH’S HOTEL ROOM/BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS

NILES IS HIDING IN THE BATHROOM. LILITH ANSWERS THE DOOR FOR FRASIER.

LILITH

Hello, Frasier. What are you doing here?

FRASIER

Surrendering, Lilith.

FRASIER ENTERS. HE HEADS TOWARDS LILITH AND TRIES TO KISS HER.

LILITH

But Frasier –

FRASIER

Oh, don’t punish me because I played hard to get last night. It took everything I had to resist you.

LILITH

But Frasier, this is wrong.

FRASIER

Who cares? Can you honestly say when you were lying in bed last night you weren’t thinking about me?

LILITH CONSIDERS A MOMENT.

LILITH

Yes.

FRASIER

Oh, drop the mask, Lilith. We both know why you came to Seattle. We both know why you dressed so enticingly last night.

FRASIER HEARS THE TOILET FLUSH.

FRASIER

Is someone in your bathroom?

LILITH

No, it’s a …defective toilet. Did that all last night. I’d better check it.

LILITH DASHES INTO THE BATHROOM.

INT. BATHROOM

NILES IS SITTING ON THE TOILET, ASLEEP. THEY TALK IN WHISPERS.

LILITH

Niles!

NILES

(startled awake)

Yes?

LILITH

You fell asleep and flushed the toilet.

NILES

Damn. Is he still here?

LILITH

Yes.

NILES

What does he want?

LILITH

He wants to make love to me.

NILES

Does the man have no scruples? He specifically asked me last night to keep him away from you and then the minute my back is turned he sneaks over here and yes, I’m aware of the irony.

LILITH

I’ll just ask him to leave.

INT. HOTEL ROOM

LILITH RETURNS. FRASIER HAS REMOVED HIS CLOTHES AND IS NOW IN A BATHROBE.

LILITH

Oh dear God.

FRASIER

Oh, drop this charade, Lilith – you’re not even convincing.

LILITH

I think I’m going to be sick.

FRASIER

Well, that had a ring of truth to it…

THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

WAITER (OC)

Room service.

LILITH

Go away.

WAITER (OC)

I have your ketchup, Ma’am.

LILITH

Not necessary.

WAITER (OC)

Okay, but I need the bill.

LILITH

Later.

FRASIER

Let’s just take care of this.

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR. THE WAITER ENTERS WITH A BOTTLE OF KETCHUP. DURING THE FOLLOWING THE WAITER NOTICES THERE’S A DIFFERENT MAN IN A BATHROBE.

WAITER

Sorry to disturb you. Here’s your ketchup… Sorry it took so long.

LILITH, WHO’S STANDING BEHIND FRASIER, SIGNALS THE WAITER NOT TO SAY ANYTHING.

WAITER

I’ll still need the bill. Where’s the cart?

LILITH

In the bathroom.

FRASIER

Why is the breakfast cart in the bathroom?

LILITH

Uh…I was going to take a hot bath while I ate.

FRASIER

Still, Lilith…food in the bathroom?

LILITH

Be back in a second.

LILITH GOES INTO THE BATHROOM.

FRASIER

This is a little embarrassing. My ex-wife. We’re sort of reconnecting.

WAITER

Yes, Sir. That’s wonderful.

FRASIER

And who knows? It might work out this time.

WAITER

Ohh-kay.

LILITH COMES BACK WITH THE BILL.

LILITH

There you go. There’s a generous, generous tip there for you.

WAITER

Thank you, Ma’am.

FRASIER

Listen, while you’re here, would you please bring me up some eggs Benedict? Silly for her to eat alone.

WAITER

Ohh-kay.

THE WAITER EXITS.

FRASIER

Now where were we?

LILITH

Look, I don’t think it’s a good time for this.

FRASIER TAKES LILITH’S HANDS.

FRASIER

Why not, my darling? We’re here. We’re finally alone. You need your Frasier.

FROM THE BATHROOM WE HEAR A LOUD CRASH AS THE BREAKFAST CART GOES OVER.

FRASIER

(crossing to the bathroom) What the hell was that?

LILITH

Frasier, stop. Don’t go in –

THE CONCLUSION TOMORROW.

Room Service 2

Here’s more from the FRASIER episode, “Room Service”. Based on the current trend of sitcoms, this kind of comedy is no longer in vogue. It’s too bad. There should always be a place for it.

INT. LILITH’S HOTEL ROOM – CONTINUOUS

NILES IN BED, LILITH AT THE DOOR, HAVING JUST ASKED “WHO IS IT?”

WAITER (OC)

Room service, Ma’am.

LILITH

(relieved, to Niles) Oh, that’s right. We ordered breakfast last night.

LILITH OPENS THE DOOR AND LETS IN THE ROOM SERVICE WAITER. HE ENTERS, ROLLING A BREAKFAST CART INTO THE ROOM. HE’S A CHIPPER FELLOW.

WAITER

Good morning, Ma’am, Sir.

THE WAITER STARTS TO SET UP BREAKFAST AT THE TABLE.

WAITER

I have eggs Benedict and eggs Florentine.

LILITH

Did you bring ketchup?

WAITER

Oh, No, I’m sorry. Let me go get that for you right now.

NILES

Ketchup on eggs Florentine?

WAITER

(Joking) Oh, your first breakfast together?

LILITH

Just get it!

THE WAITER EXITS. NILES GETS OUT OF BED AND SLIPS ON A BATHROBE.

NILES

Now I remember ordering this. It’s the breakfast I always order after a night of passion.

LILITH

Eggs Benedict…very rich.

NILES

Well, I only have it once a year. (then) Let’s dig in.

THEY SIT AT THE TABLE. THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

LILITH

That was quick.

LILITH CROSSES TO THE DOOR AND IS JUST ABOUT TO OPEN IT WHEN THEY HEAR:

FRASIER (OC)

Lilith, are you awake?

A STARTLED NILES AND LILITH SPEAK IN HUSHED TONES.

LILITH

It’s Frasier!

NILES

What do we do?

NILES NEARLY KNOCKS THE TRAY OVER GETTING UP.

FRASIER (OC)

Lilith?

LILITH

Just a second.

NILES

Why did you answer?

LILITH

I don’t know. I’m not very good at this. Hide in the bathroom.

THEY BOTH DART FOR THE BATHROOM.

NILES

No, not you!

LILITH

Here, take the cart with you.

NILES STARTS TO PUSH THE CART INTO THE BATHROOM. THEN:

NILES

Food in the bathroom?

LILITH

Go!

LILITH SHOVES NILES AND THE CART INTO THE BATHROOM, KNOCKING NILES DOWN.

FRASIER (OC)

Lilith? Lilith?

LILITH

Coming.

LILITH RUNS TO THE DOOR, FEIGNS COMPLETE INSOUCIANCE AND OPENS THE DOOR.

MORE TOMORROW…

Room Service I

Even though I’m away on vacation I never stand down from my comedy watch. This is a scene from a FRASIER that David Isaacs and I wrote called “Room Service”. We wrote quite a few episodes of FRASIER but this was my favorite. It’s the beginning of Act II. Actually, the scene is all of Act II. I’ll be posting it throughout the week.

Lilith has just slept with Niles.

INT. LILITH’S HOTEL ROOM – MORNING

NILES AND LILITH IN BED.

LILITH

My God. What did we do? What did we do?

NILES

Well, first we –

LILITH

I know what we did. What do we do now?

NILES

Let’s just try to stay calm. These things happen. They happen every day. (losing it) Every day in Arkansas! Why did you have to look so damned bewitching all evening?

LILITH

Oh, so it was my fault, Mr. Sweet-and-Attentive? Why’d you have to drive me home and walk me to my door?

NILES

The way the moonlight bathed your alabaster shoulders –

LILITH

Your sensitive and manly touch –

NILES

Yours too.

LILITH

Take me.

THEY DIVE FOR EACH OTHER BUT THEN PULL UP SHORT.

LILITH

We’ve got to resist this. It’s wrong.

NILES

Of course it is. Last night was simply two wounded people acting out of loneliness and confusion.

LILITH

Not to mention four bottles of wine. But for whatever reasons we’re here, we must never let this happen again.

NILES

Yes, of course. (beat) But just to clarify…because of the ramifications of our indiscretion or, because, you know…?

LILITH

You were fine. My God, you Crane men.

THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

NILES

(panicking) Who’s that?

LILITH

Don’t panic. No one knows we’re here.

NILES

I told Frasier I was driving you home.

LILITH

(now panicking) Why did you do a stupid thing like that?

NILES

It wasn’t stupid at the time. How did I know the minute we got inside this room you’d be on me like a hawk on a titmouse?

ANOTHER KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

LILITH

(sotto) Just be quiet.

LILITH GETS UP, THROWS ON HER ROBE, AND CROSSES TO THE DOOR.

LILITH

Who is it?

MORE LATER TODAY…

Checking in from Greece

...where the people are too damn good looking.

Thought I'd check in while my wife hits every single store in Europe...even if it means going down hidden alleys. It's all the same crap!!

The networks are announcing their schedules. Word of them has not reached Santorini. Fun thing to do is just look at the titles, loglines, and casts and predict (a) which will be the first cancelled, (b) which will make it. Hint: the most hype, the greater the chance for (a).

Very soon I will be posting the second act from the favorite FRASIER episode that David and I wrote. It's the one where Lilith sleeps with Niles. Home next week and things will be back to normal. In the meantime, enjoy one of the scripts I'm proudest of.

Ken