First directing assignment, part 2

Part 1 is the previous post.

Show day. We rehearsed all afternoon, had a dress rehearsal at about 3:00 that lasted an hour. Then we were free until the filming began at 7:00. At 6:30 the audience was let in. At 6:35 I’m handed pages, the rewrite following the dress rehearsal. They had written a BRAND NEW SCENE. What the fuck?!! We couldn’t rehearse on the stage, the audience was now there. I ran backstage, gathered the actors and walked them through it. Then I went to the camera operators, told them there was a new scene, gave them assignments off the top of my head, said just do the best you can and after the audience goes home I’ll block and shoot it properly. All the while I’m sweating through my suit.

Filming begins. It starts with a thirty second pause then Tim Daly calling out, “Say ‘action’, Kenny!” Helen (Crystal Bernard) brings the birthday cake with lit candles to the table for Casey. It slips out of her hands and she drops it. Cut! Fire marshals run out to the set. It’s a twenty minute delay. Then Tommy decides to really improvise. I go out into the stage and tell him nicely to do the line as written. Take two. He does another line. I repeat my request. Take three. Yet a third line. I go out to the Oscar nominee and tell him I will punch his fucking face in if he doesn’t say the line as written. He does the line right. No one can say I’m not an “actor’s director”.

Eventually we get to the new scene. I’m at the quad split, watching all four cameras. Huddled around me are the producers, studio executives, and network people. I call “action”, the scene begins, the cameras start moving and fishing and on the monitors it is utter chaos. People out of focus, shots of the wall, a close up of a nose. (like the last reel of AFTER THE FOX) And to make matters worse two cameras collide into each other. Now the network guy must be thinking this director is INSANE.

We finish the show. I spend the next two weeks in a fetal position. I get a call from the producers. They edited the show together (a Herculean task since nothing matched) and discovered it was short. So they wrote a new scene to be filmed after they get done filming this week’s show. That means I start rehearsing and blocking at around midnight. You can imagine the happy cast I had.

And the scene is a dream sequence…with effects. And props that need to be smashed. But there are only two breakaway props so we only have two chances to get it. The first take the actor smashed it at the wrong time – blaming of course, ME. Mercifully, we got the shot the next take, I finally yell “Wrap!” at about 2:00, and drive home muttering to myself that Steven Spielberg had it EASY directing RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARC.

To this day I thank the cast and the producers for their patience. Especially Crystal Bernard who called me at home to say what a great job she thought I had done. Likewise for Tony Shalhoub taking me aside, giving me a pep talk. That meant a lot.

Over the years I’ve gotten a lot a better, I’ve gotten a LOT faster but 70% of what I know about directing I learned from that first assignment. And 60% of it was what not to do.

Before he became a star...

Aloha, from Hawaii, my base for the next week. It's nice here. Who knew??

I saw an episode of WINGS on the flight over here. Who would have thought that the one cast member from that show who would go on to become a big movie star would be Thomas Hayden Church? An Oscar nom and now in SPIDERMAN 3. And meanwhile, my pick, Tim Daly just got shot on THE SOPRANOS.

Thomas (or Tommy as we called him back then. Now it might be Mr. Church but I'm guessing it's still Tommy) was the featured cast member in the first episode of WINGS I directed. Actually, it was the first episode of any show I directed. I've now done over 50 but you never forget your first. I've been in therapy ever since.

It was an episode in 1995 called “Portrait of a Con Artist as a Young Man” (written by Jeff Richman & Joyce Gittlin). The premise was that addled mechanic Lowell (Tommy) makes these large twisted pieces of metal that a museum director considers art. Comedy ensues (despite my efforts). Tommy is a gifted comedian but he never reads a line the same way twice. (Maybe for Sam Raimi but not me) Nor does he move the same way twice. Forget matching problems, I had no idea what the star of the show was going to say or do the entire week. Kind of hard to interject the patented “Levine Touch” when that’s the case.

The rest of the cast was nice (and by that I mean “tolerant”). I had been a consultant and writer on the show since the pilot so we knew each other very well. But there comes a point in the run of a series where the cast feels they’ve got their characters down, they no longer need to rehearse that long, and well…they want to go home. This usually happens around season four. (On one show I directed it happened episode four). We were in season six. The cast didn’t want to just go home, they left their engines running. So we’d do a scene once. They’d walk through it. I’d be ready to say let’s go again and they would say, “We got it, let’s move on”. I, the director, the floor general, the man in control of the stage, would be thinking “you have WHAT?” My first scene was in the airport terminal. Casey (Amy Yasbech) was celebrating her birthday. All of the other characters came in, one at a time, from different directions with presents. And they all gathered around a table where a birthday cake was perched. Nine characters, all stacked up, each with props, torn wrapping everywhere, delivering lines to each other in every possible combination. Time taken to rehearse that scene: a half an hour. “We got it. Let’s move on.” I had visions of adding little bits of comic business, working out any rough spots, fine tuning the pace so the script just crackled. No. By noon we had a runthrough. One of the cast members had to buy something at Adrays before going out to hit a bucket of balls so we had to move it along. Needless to say it was ragged. I didn’t win any points with the producers when cast members would come up to me and ask “I forget. Am I in this scene?”

The next two days were more of the same. But now the Oscar nominee got bored saying the same lines over and over (i.e. twice) so he started changing them…which is a nice way of saying KILLING them. My mantra became, “Please say the lines as written”.

Day four was camera blocking. First scene up, the party. Nine characters, ten pages. And you can plan your camera assignments in advance but if one assignment changes, let’s say Camera B can get a better single of Tim Daly than Camera C as you had envisioned, then the rest of your roadmap goes right out the window. That happened to me the second line of the show. Little wonder I was taking FOREVER to do this. The cast was getting antsy. The first AD kept pointing to his watch. Every crew member I spotted was rolling his eyes. The camera coordinator started giving me suggestions to speed up the process. Then the DP started giving me suggestions. But often they were opposing suggestions, thus confusing me more. The camera coordinator told the DP to butt out, it was none of his business. The DP took exception with that. They almost came to blows. Yeah, I really ruled that stage with an iron hand. I think it took ten hours to complete camera blocking.

Tomorrow: the hard part

20 questions

Some time ago FISHBOWL LA asked me these 20 questions. Thought I'd share them here today since my wife and I are off to Hawaii for a week and I didn't have time to write something new. Posts will continue while I'm in Hawaii but I'll probably be sloshed.

1. What newspapers do you read?

The LA TIMES, NY TIMES (on Sunday), CHICAGO TRIBUNE TV section, LA WEEKLY when I need a massage.

2. Which ones do you move your lips to while reading? NY POST

3. Which Web sites are on your favorites bookmark? Los Angeles Radio People, Defamer, Hoffmania, Richbroradio, Dirtywatah.

4. Where do you get your car washed?
Who actually knows the name of their car wash? It's on Sepulveda somewhere. They do an okay job and I can buy Steve Hall inspirational piano CD's and pine tree air fresheners in their gift shop.

5. Do you know your dentist's first name? No because he doesn't say his name in the credit dentist ad.

6. Do you believe newspapers are going to die? If so, when?
No. I believe their online offshoots will take on a greater importance but people want to hold a newspaper or line their bird cages.

7. What was the last book you read? Absurdistan by Gary Shteyngart.

8. What's the last book you say you read?
Helen Reddy's autobiography. I want to impress people with how hip I am.

9. If you got a unicorn what would you name it? Hat rack. That question was even dumber than the car wash one.

10. What does your TiVo think about you? It's time to get over Natalie Wood already. (She's pictured above. Sigh.)

11. character of fiction you most resemble? Ignatius J. Reilly or Jack Ryan

12. Who plays you in your bio-pic? Sean Connery and then Daniel Craig in the remake.

13. Do you floss? Yes. Wouldn't you love to hear that question asked at a senate subcommittee hearing?

14. Did you ever believe your toys come alive when you leave the room? No. And I almost got a hernia blowing them up. Do you still? I hold out hope for Fifi.

15. How many old cell phones do you own? One. I'm still expecting a callback from my agent.

16. Best show legendary biz/movie star encounter. Natalie Wood

17. Do you get satellite radio? Yes. XM.

18. And as a follow do you "get" satellite radio?
No commercials, 170 music channels, major league baseball--what's not to get?

19. Do you read the Enquirer/InTouch/US/people? Only in supermarket lines.

20. Do you lie about it? Yes. I really don't read them but tell people I do.

Why have a blog if you can't rant?

Okay, I’m shocked. AMERICAN IDOL got it wrong. Melinda Doolittle was voted off?! She will be headlining in Vegas long after Blake Lewis appears at Six Flags Magic Mountain at Spiliken Corners. Melinda now joins Jennifer, Elliott, Kimberley, and Tamyra as losers who are better singers than most of the winners. The producers can hype the show any way they want but don’t call it a singing competition anymore. It’s not. It’s a popularity contest. Period.

With Melinda out, the only real suspense next Tuesday night will be just how bad and treacly will that original new song be that both Jordin and Blake have to sing? Unless Jordin says “fuck!” on the air, she’s the next AMERICAN IDOL.

And I hope Melinda goes on to have a fabulous career and can even afford to buy a house on the street named after her.

Like Elliot, in a year she'll be back with new teeth, a new look, and a new CD.

Onward and sideward…

Steve McPherson, the President of ABC, said this about the new caveman comedy, “It will have the ability to offend everyone but offend no one.”

HUH??? WHAT?? There is network speak at its finest.

Meanwhile, George Lopez has gone postal now that his low rated sitcom has been cancelled by ABC. I’d say the fact that the network kept it on as long as it did despite the woeful numbers, lack of any buzz, and the way he bombs at every awards show, Mr. Lopez should be naming his kids after ABC instead of blasting them. He claims his whole life was up there on the screen. If so, then get a funnier life.

Besides, George, ABC no longer needs you. They have BINGO premiering Friday.

After Sunday night’s shocking episode of THE SOPRANOS, it’s pretty clear, Tony, the therapy isn’t working.

When I do these rants new things sometimes occur and I add them. So you might want to check back if you're in front of the computer and bored out of your skull.

I finally figured out the common denominator in LOST. All of these castaways had severely fucked up parents. We will eventually learn the whole series was merely a bad dream Sigmund Freud had in a cut rate opium den.

Now that the Rev. Jerry Falwell has left the Mortal Majority who will fill his role as ignorant spokesperson for the religious right? Remember, this is the man who supported segregation, thinks all gays are deviants, and claims 9/11 was brought about by “the ACLU and the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians.” His successor might want to add Jews (although I think that’s what Falwell meant by the ACLU), the Hollywood crowd, democrats, college professors, bloggers, unions, the HuffingtonPost, Keith Olbermann, Apple computers, scientists, and AMERICAN IDOL. Applications are now being accepted.

Phil Spector, still claiming he never shot Lana Clarkson to death now claims she was eating the gun. (Oh, that old plea!) So he’s not guilty of murder. He’s guilty of being a really bad host and not offering snacks.

Last season CBS was touting OLD CHRISTINE as the hit of the season! Now they just renewed it for midseason, and ordered only 13. Welcome to the BECKER/KING OF QUEENS/YES DEAR graveyard.

SPRING AWAKENING will win Musical of the Year at this year’s Tonys. Yes, it will beat out MARY POPPINS even though both have the same story – youth engaging in taboo sex. I didn’t offer a spoiler alert since no one will watch the Tonys anyway.

NBC picked up the remake of BIONIC WOMAN, claiming it’s a dark psychological drama. Come on! It’s the Bionic Woman!!! Super powers. Running in slow motion. Another chance to do HEROES. Next season prepare to enter the dark, brooding, tortured world of INSPECTOR GADGET.

AMERICAN IDOL this week

Down to the final three which means the obligatory hometown hero salutes. I thought they were a little muted this year. A few seasons ago the entire state of Florida showed up for Vonzell Solomon’s parade. Today she goes downtown and finds a Denver Boot on her car.

But at least all three this year did receive hometown salutes. Not like last season when poor Katharine McPhee from Sherman Oaks, California had to settle for a assembly in her high school gym. I think they gave her the key to the sports equipment locker. You just know the bell rang and everyone cleared out for lunch, knocking Katharine over to get to that macaroni and cheese at the cafeteria.

My big question of the week is how did they determine the order of who sang when? Seems that whoever gets the pimp spot (last) has the greatest advantage. My Idol history is hazy but it seems to me whoever sings first is dead. Last year Elliott and before that Kimberley Locke and Vonzell “$200 to get my car back?” Solomon. On the other hand, is it best to be first because the only phone number most idiots can remember is 01?

You figured Blake would be second, between the two women.

Remember: It’s okay to watch AMERICAN IDOL and obsess over your favorite as long as YOU DON’T VOTE. Once you pick up that phone you become one of the Pod People. All that’s left for you is killing.

Jordin sang first. Simon picked the one R&B song he knew, “Wishing on a Star” by Rose Royce. It’s a song that didn’t even chart the Hot 100. And then Simon complained that he missed the original arrangement. Jordin could have had bagpipes and zithers playing behind her and most viewers would have thought that WAS the original arrangement. Simon definitely wants Melinda to be in the finals, figures Blake is in regardless because of his fan base, so he subtly tried to submarine Jordin, both with a bad song selection and chickenshit reasons to criticize her.

Paula, on the other hand, was just so happy that her mood elevator took her to the top floor that she loved everyone this week and even thought that Haley gave her best performance.

Lucky Blake got two local salutes. One in his hometown of Bothell, Washington and another in Seattle. Hey, it’s not like these people get out to salute their World Champion Mariners every year.

I thought Blake’s version of “Roxanne” by the Police was mediocre at best. He hit four or five really flat notes. But he had the best finish all year – when he slammed the mic stand on the ground and the mic went flying. I was only hoping it would land on the judges’ table and Paula would scream, “AAAAA!! A SNAKE!!!”

Melinda was spectacular doing one of those Whitney Houston songs that sound like every other Whitney Houston song and has “I Believe” in the title.

Simon asked Ryan if he was drunk yet never asked Paula if she was on laughing gas.

For Jordin’s second song, “She Works Hard for the Money” she came out wearing “Come Vote For Me” pumps that made her look 6’5”. I thought she sang it great, but there was nothing flashy about the song. Submarine number two (this time by the producers). Maybe submarine number three if singing first proves to be the death slot.

Blake gave his best performance on Maroon 5’s, “This Love”. It’s as if Bobby Darin came back as a beatboxer.

Melinda was given the totally unremarkable “Nutbush City Limits” to sing next. If the producers wanted to give her a Tina Turner song there are like a thousand better ones they could have chosen. Even “Ooh Poo Pah Doo” or “I Can’t Believe What You Say (For Seeing What You Do)”.

Boy, those viewer questions were searing, weren’t they? “What’s your all-time favorite song?” Zzzzzzzzzzz. Miss America candidates have to tackle tougher issues. Of course I’m just mad that they didn’t use the question I sent in. “Jordin, if you weren’t allowed to use lethal injections, how do you think we should kill death row inmates?”

Jordin and Melinda both chose to reprise songs they had already sung for their final numbers. This is usually where you hear “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” for the ninth time. Jordin did her British Invasion tune, “I, Who Have Nothing” and I, who still won’t vote, thought it was the performance of the night. Simon, of course, complained that it was an old song. He was fine, however, with Melinda singing the old Peggy Lee 1963 chestnut “I’m a Woman”. I was sure Paula was going to say, “Good song but you spelled woman wrong.” I did like that Melinda, a former backup singer, brought her backup singers on stage. Classy touch.

Blake, always the rebel, did not reprise one of past successes. He did “When I Get You Alone” and what he lacks in sheer vocal power he makes up for in showmanship. I’m telling you – Bobby Darin.

At this point it’s tough to pick who will get voted off. But it doesn’t matter. All three will get recording contracts. All three will launch careers. And for at least the next six months, all three will be able to park in loading zones in their hometowns without getting tickets.

And Kimberley Locke might get a second parade if she wins THE CELEBRITY FIT CLUB.

Ruffled peacock feathers

Earlier this season NBC logged the least watched week in its history (which is really saying something considering they once had SUPERTRAIN and PINK LADY & JEFF on the same schedule). And the following week they did even worse. So it was somewhat surprising (although I should no longer be surprised by anything) that they just announced their fall schedule and renewed most everything.

MEDIUM, which finishes a distant third will be back. Dick Wolf managed to get all of his LAW & ORDERS back (although one of them, LAW & ORDER I.U.D. – one of those -- will air first on NBC owned USA). The one poorly rated renewal decision I agree with is FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS but that’s about giving a worthy show a chance to find an audience. I’m still mad at ABC for canceling MY SO CALLED LIFE. Meanwhile, ER limps along. (Oh, and they scheduled FNL in a death slot -- Fridays at 10. FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS OUT.)

New programs include a reality show from producer (?) Randy Jackson about the fresh arena of dance competitions, and a song lyric competition that will rotate with game shows. Yes, you can breathe easy. Bob Saget will be back!

But what’s glaring about the new NBC schedule is that there are NO new comedies. None. Nada. One back-up. Whoopee!

This is clearly the path they have been taking the last few years and look at the result – their lowest weekly ratings EVER. How can comedies do much worse? (I mean, they had to have a couple of good pilots. right? Don'tcha think? Two or three? One that they recast with a caveman?)

They have renewed the comedies they have, ordered extra episodes of some (thus really taxing those creative staffs), and then dumping them all on Thursday night where they know they'll get killed by the competition. Not a rousing show of support. More like program fodder. And those are good comedies. They deserve better.

There was a great article Monday in the New York Times proclaiming that comedy is what could SAVE the networks. A good sitcom gets big numbers, and in success has a much bigger payday than any other genre.

In time, some new sitcom will connect. The other networks will immediately order comedy clones. Network execs will say in interviews that “America has told us they like to laugh” (as if it’s a shocking revelation. Who knew???) , and the pendulum will start to swing the other way.

In the meantime, NBC, good luck turning to Randy Jackson as your savior.

Mother's Day leftovers...

Picture of the week: Dodger pitcher, Brad Penny… REALLY airing it out. (Thanks to my son, Matt for the pix.)Quote of the week: From Friday’s LA TIMES. A group of 13 and 14 year olds were asked to view trailers and comment on the upcoming crop of summer movies. One girl had this comment:

“It’s interesting that it doesn’t matter so much anymore who’s in the movie. When I was younger, I’d go just because Lindsay Lohan or Hilary Duff was in it. But I’ve learned you can have great actors but it can still be a terrible film.”

Fortunately, you can still count on Katie Holmes.

Quote number two (courtesy of Defamer.com): Cameron Diaz on the TODAY SHOW discussing the public’s interest in celebrities”

"If a woman who's a successful actress weighs 300 pounds and has warts, nobody ever asks her, 'Do you think you made it because you're ugly?' So why should there be prejudice against someone who's had some success in films and looks a little better than average."

Maybe because being beautiful doesn't prevent you from being clueless.

I hope you did something nice for your mother or mother of your kids this weekend. I did. I picked my wife up at the airport. Hey, we’re talking LAX.

Congratulations to my daughter, Annie who got a summer internship at a movie production company (and no, I had nothing to do with it). She’ll be working at Paramount. So for me, after 19 years of being based at Paramount, if I want to get on the lot I’ll have to call my daughter for a drive-on.

Kudos to NBC for renewing FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS.

I see that NBC picked up LIPSTICK JUNGLE while ABC picked up CASHMERE MAFIA. If you like one you should like the other since they’re the exact same show. Too bad they’re not scheduled up against each other. You could watch half of one and turn over to the other for the conclusion of the story.

The Geico CAVEMAN sitcom looks like it's getting picked up.

I can easily see why. It probably tested through the roof. All the people in those focus groups said, "Finally! A character we can relate to. Finally! Someone on TV just like us."

When so few sitcoms get ordered and that one does, you really have to wonder if there's no place to go now but up.

Can the "Can you hear me?" guy be next to get his own show? "On a very special episode, the Can you hear me guy walks through the Arlington National Cemetary."

Thanks to everyone for your all-too charitable comments on my KRTH stint. That station is an LA institution and it was a treat to be on it. During my checkered disc jockey career I always worked at the “other” station. There was the town’s big number one and the distant challenger. I was always on the challenger. Inevitably, they would throw in the towel, change formats, and their first official act would be to fire me – sometimes a year or two before changing formats but still.

To answer some of your questions. No, this will not be a permanent shift. I find I'm much better accepted when I do radio in small doses. And I decided to drop the name Beaver Cleaver because I turned 50. Radio names like Beaver Cleaver, Bwana Johnny, Banana Joe, Weird Beard, Motormouth, the Greaseman, and Bubba the Love Sponge must be retired when you try to get your first loan.

Whatever happened to Neve Campbell? When the search party for sitcoms comes back we’ll have to send them out on that one too.

Orioles promotion: Queen Elizabeth Night

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!! Especially to the mom of my kids, Debby.

Since it is M's-Day and Queen Elizabeth was in town, I thought I'd share my personal experience with the Queen on England.

In 1991 I was a rookie play-by-play announcer for the Baltimore Orioles. I kept a daily journal that year and sold it as a book. "It's Gone!...No, wait a minute"(my classic home run call unfortunately) was published by Villard and released in ’93. It’s available on Amazon or on a remainder table near you. Fifteen years ago today this is what happened:

WEDNESDAY, MAY 15, 1991, BALTIMORE

A typical day really, except that the queen of England and the president of the United States attended the game. They saw the A’s win 6-3, although Randy Milligan hit his first home run of the year and then his second.

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II and His Royal Highness Prince Philip are visiting the United States and wanted to view something that represented the “epitome of America”. That meant either the Shopping Channel or baseball. So our little ol’ ballpark on Thirty-third Street got the nod. The weather was glorious, the traffic horrendous, and the crowd merely moderate (32,501) to see this historic occasion (The queen was not as big a draw as free wristbands.)

The entourage arrived at 6:30 via motorcade and were whisked into a private reception hosted by club owner Eli S. Jacobs (whom I have yet to meet, by the way). The VIP party, which also included Mrs. Bush, baseball commish Fay Vincent (who told me before the game that the role of the commissioner in affairs such as these is “to be seen and then leave”), Secretary of Defense Dick Cheney, Mrs. Secretary of Defense, the Governor of Maryland, the British Foreign Secretary, and a number of the queen’s personal valets, secretaries, and foot stools. They all dined on crab cakes and hot dogs. (What, no crumpets and nachos??).

Everyone lingered over dinner for fifteen minutes, and then the royal party moved on to the Orioles dugout to greet the players of both teams.

I did not get to meet the queen. Jon Miller and I were on the air describing the proceedings. At 7:20 a receiving line of players was rushed through (viewed by the crowd on DiamondVision), and to the horror of the Secret Service, the president escorted Queen Elizabeth (or “Sausage” as Prince Philip calls her) up the top step into the on-deck area in full view of the masses. Personally, I feel Harold Baines would be in greater danger than the queen, but the Secret Service men held their breath just the same. The crowd roared its approval.

From there the royal party repaired back to Mr. Jacobs’ sky box on the mezzanine level just to the left of the press box. They sat comfortably behind bulletproof glass as a high school chorus mangled “God Save the Queen” and “The Star-Spangled Banner” over a sound system wracked by feedback.

They stayed for two whole innings, and I sort of felt bad because they were two very boring innings. Five walks, little action. Really, Your Highness, baseball is not that dull! I wanted her to stay longer, but by 8:45 the motorcade had shuttled her away. I also was hoping to have her stop by our booth and possibly read the “Esskay Meats Out-of-Town Scoreboard,” but that was not to be. See if I vote for her in the next election!

All in all it was a very exciting night. In three previous years in the minors the most important dignitary I ever saw attend a game was the Phillie Phanatic.

Win tickets to JERSEY BOYS

Just one of the many KRTH contests I'll be hyping. (They're opening night tickets so it's worth listening)

As I head off to KRTH 101 to play the greatest music on earth from 7-midnight I thought I'd give you a behind-the-scenes look of what the control room looks like.

First, this is what a typical radio studio control board used to look like.
And this is the board I'll be working on at KRTH.
You can hear KRTH 101 here on the net. Hopefully I won't push the wrong button and blow the station up. What'll we do with all those unused JERSEY BOYS tickets?

Thanks for listening... if you do.

Happy Mommie Dearest Day

Happy Mother's Day!

Would Mother's Day weekend be complete without showing the "no more wire hangers!!" scene from MOMMIE DEAREST? That's like Christmas without IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE or BAD SANTA.

So here is Faye Dunaway in her most over-the-top, out-of-control, laughable performance ever (which is saying something). The scene that's the absolute gold standard for atrocious acting everywhere.

Upfronts and Personal Announcements

First a couple of announcements. I will back on the radio Saturday night from 7-midnight P.D.T. playing the hits on KRTH 101 in Los Angeles. You can also hear the station on the web.

Secondly, my partner and I just sold a spec pilot script to FX. We’re very excited and hope that it goes. But we’re not buying any new homes just yet. The cable development season runs on a very different schedule than the networks’. There are no “fall seasons” or upfronts deadlines they must make. Pilots get greenlit and ordered based on need. It seems a much more civilized way to work.

Meanwhile, the networks upfronts process is going on right now in New York. Fall schedules will be announced very soon. To give you some idea of what takes place I’m posting an excerpt from my play, UPFRONTS AND PERSONAL. To help you picture the characters I’m listing the actors who participated in my L.A. reading.

The set up: A hotel suite a studio is using as its war room. Very early in the play. Donald is the studio president (Ed Asner), Andy his officious veep (Patrick Breen). Matthew has just arrived (Matt Letscher). He’s the young wide-eyed neophyte writer. Later Gary and Beth will enter. (Jason Alexander & Wendie Malick). They’ve been through the wars.


MATTHEW
Hey, let me ask you -- why do they call this process the "Up Fronts"?

DONALD
The networks announce their new Fall schedules then the advertisers buy commercial time "up front". Spending billions on nothing more than blind faith. It's like if you put an Off-track betting window in a mental institution.

MATTHEW
Well, I appreciate your letting me be here for this.

DONALD
It's not a studio perk. The networks like to have the show runners available if they have any stupid questions.
(chuckling)
Andy, remember, Bob Milstein?

ANDY
(chuckling too.)
Priceless.

MATTHEW
What?

DONALD
Walter was screening his pilot and said, "I want to see more close ups!" And Bob said, "Then move your chair up."
(suddenly somber)
Bob's writing for the Disney Channel now. We'll never hear from him again.

MATTHEW
So I guess we do it New York because that's where the money is, right?

DONALD
No, it's 'cause that's where our wives aren't. Take a fruit basket. Take four of 'em.

MATTHEW
Thanks.
(crossing to the window)
So...let's check out the view.
(he sees it, disappointed)
Oh.

ANDY
We usually have a higher suite but apparently Queen Latifah is in town and she has dogs, and the dogs need to see the sky for some reason we haven't been told so...well, here we are.

DONALD
Feel free to take a dump on the carpet. Fuck 'em.

MATTHEW
Well, there's always the Empire State Building.

ANDY
First time in New York?

MATTHEW
Are you kidding? Never been out of So-Cal. This is totally unreal. Three years ago I'm working at Kinkos writing scripts at night. And now here I am with my own TV show.

(DONALD takes a big gulp of HIS drink. There's a KNOCK at the door. As ANDY crosses to answer:)

ANDY
Come on. It's refreshing. You know what happens to writers after a couple of years.

(ANDY opens the door. GARY NOGLE and BETH HELLER enter. Both are in their 40's. GARY is wiry, always a little revved. BETH is taller than GARY, attractive, bright, and seemingly very much in command.)

(GARY is schlepping a large heavy garment bag.)

GARY
I mean it, Beth. I can't do this anymore. I walked by that idiot in front of the hotel, y'know, the one wearing the big Beefeaters costume and I thought to myself: "Oh my God, I envy that man. I wish I had his job." A Beefeater, Beth! With the hat, and the stick, and the little tights, and...that's when you know it's time to get out.

BETH
So why did you come?

GARY
Why do you think? I had to. If we're going to get our damn show renewed they've got to see I'm committed to the fucking thing one hundred percent.

DONALD
That's what you want -- Talented and trapped.

Summer Movies Preview: Part Three

Here's the final batch of summer movies you need to be warned about.

THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM – (Who we kidding? BOURNE 3) Matt Damon’s amnesia is traced back to the trauma of being friends with Ben Affleck.

SURF’S UP – Penguins are currently Hollywood’s A-list cartoon animals. Please stop before THE SORROW AND THE PENGUIN.

CAPTIVITY – Perfect casting: Elisha Cuthbert who’s been kidnapped so many times in 24 she can’t ride in a car unless she's in the trunk.

CARE BEARS: OOPSY DOES IT! – Gooey entertainment for very small children and Paula Abdul.

TALK TO ME – Don Cheadle as an ex-con now a DJ. Not the G. Gordon Liddy story.

BECOMING JANE – starring the very becoming Anne Hathaway as the original wild and crazy party girl, Jane Austen. Watch her wrestle with writers’ block and the paparazzi.

HOT ROD – Andy Samberg’s quest to be the next Will Ferrell takes him to the familiar arena of hot rod racing.

THE INVASION – Nicole Kidman, fresh from her triumph in BEWITCHED, teams with Daniel Craig in this update of INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS. For inspiration Ms. Kidman drew upon her marriage to a noted Scientologist.

EL CANTANTE – Marry J-Lo and get to star in movies with her. Husband de jour, Marc Anthony is Jennifer’s latest co-star in this biopic about the late Puerto Rican salsa legend Hector Lavoe. If she had married Puff Daddy instead the movie would be the biopic of Barry White.

THE TEN – Paul Rudd, in between TV pilots, stars in this contemporary look at the Ten Commandments. Also stars Jessica Alba (pictured) who I would be willing to break at least four, maybe five commandments for.

THE COMEBACKS – spoof on those ROCY/HOOSIER/FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS feel-good sports movies. Directed by Tom Brady (but not the one who’s the QB of the New England Patriots so don’t expect much.)

SUPERBAD – Boy are they asking for it with that title. Coming-of-age teen comedy written by Evan Goldberg & Seth Rogen so it probably is funny.

RUSH HOUR 3 – Why? No, seriously. Why??? Really. I’m not kidding. Why?????

STARDUST – Claire Danes plays a fallen star (not a has-been celebrity like Tara Reid but an actual celestial object). A marketing challenge since no one knows what the hell this movie is about.

THE BROTHERS SOLOMON – Will Arnett, Will Forte but not the one Will who sells tickets -- Ferrell.

HALLOWEEN 9 – Masked homicidal slasher, Michael Myers goes on a bloody rampage when he is forced to watch THE VIEW.

DADDY DAY CAMP – an actual sequel to DADDY DAY CARE. This is the end of my summer preview as well as the movie industry itself.

AMERICAN IDOL this week

Those of us who lived through the 70’s are still apologizing for the music. Especially disco. Especially Bee Gees disco. But thanks to AMERICAN IDOL and “Sweatin’ with the Oldies” they remain with us… like migraines.

Barry Gibb sounded like Sean Connery with loose dentures.

When the only “groupie” they showed in the audience was Judge Judy you knew you were in for a creaky evening. Although Simon probably loved it. Finally! Some REAL music! What’s next week? Music of the Cowsills?

The four contestants had quite a challenge. It’s hard to be great when the songs aren’t.

Melinda slogged through “Love You Inside Out”. She could have used better lyrics and the Solid Gold Dancers.

And let’s just say it, okay? Blake Lewis is a one-trick pony. The beat boxing, the robot moves. It’s as if Pee Wee Herman decided to become a rock star.

After singing “Staying Alive”, LaKisha may not. As usual she ignored her mentor’s suggestions, although in this case she probably couldn’t understand him. “yousssssshh sssssssshhhould deffffffffinnnnllllleelllleeeeeeeee shhhhhinnnnggggg falssssshetttttttterrrrrrrr.”

Great to see Haley Scarnato in the audience. Oh, what she could have done with a hand held microphone and “How Deep Is Your Love” !

How come they kept cutting off Simon while letting Paula (who looked like a raccoon) utter random sounds in her eternal quest to formulate one cogent thought? But hang in there, Paula. You give a monkey a typewriter and eventually he’ll type a word.

Bee Gees songs the contestants could have used included: “New York Mining Disaster 1941”(a disco classic), “Jumbo” (I’ll refrain from the obvious), “Don’t Forget to Remember”, and their ode to rough sex, “Fanny Be Tender With My Love”. So many great hits and yet Blake chooses an obscure song.

When he sang “This is Where I Came In” was I the only one thinking, “No, this is where you go out”? On Thursday morning Blake fans may be wearing black argyle sweaters in mourning.

Jordin Sparks (the girl with the big voice and Teri Hatcher face) gave the best performance of the night with “To Love Somebody”. Unlike the three others, she didn’t fall into the disco trap. As for her second song, there’s a reason no one does cover versions of Barbra Streisand tunes. Just because she’s the size of Barbra doesn’t mean she can sing like her. No one can. Well, maybe Linda Eder.

Here in LA there was a huge brush fire roaring in Griffith Park, even threatening the famed Observatory. Every local station was cutting away for bulletins…EXCEPT Fox. God forbid we missed Ryan’s sparkling exchange with Judge Judy or didn’t get the latest poop on the song writing contest.

LaKisha hit a real clunker note at the end of “Run to Me”. She did not look happy. I just imagine her walking off the stage muttering, “Goddamn motherfuckin’ Bee Gees songs. How the fuck can anybody sing those Goddamn motherfuckin’ jive ass lily white bullshit vanilla Bee Gee songs?”

All in all it was a pretty lackluster show. Tomorrow we’re going to learn that LaKisha or Blake go home and Barry Gibb admits he put in his brother’s teeth by mistake.

Summer Movies Preview: Part Two

More of the fabulous movies you'll be seeing this summer...or not.

EVAN ALMIGHTY – The sequel to BRUCE ALMIGHTY but with the much funnier Steve Carell now starring. Lauren Graham as his wife showing off those comedy chops she displayed in CONRAD BLOOM. So expect all the laughs to come from Carell and special effects.

SICKO – Michael Moore documentary on the health care industry. The studio is keeping the subject matter tightly under wraps and considering Michael Moore is the biggest publicity whore on the planet this probably means the film is icko.

FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER – Jessica Alba and the Silver Surfer – it’s Bogey & Becall all over again.

KNOCKED UP – Great buzz on this Judd Apatow comedy about a one-night stand where Katherine Heigl gets knocked up. Ryan Seacrest appears as himself. (No, he’s not the father. How could he be? He’s gay.)

NANCY DREW – The original Veronica Mars, America’s most famous teen sleuth is back with Emma Roberts in the Pamela Sue Martin role. (For my generation Pamela Sue is the Sean Connery of Nancy Drew. ) I don’t care what happens in a Nancy Drew mystery as long as she dresses preppy. Call me a perv but guys know what I mean.

MR. BROOKS – Kevin Costner as a Hannibal Lector evil guy. I’d say it’s a stretch for him as an actor but anytime Kevin Costner plays anything other than a washed up old baseball player it’s a stretch.

HOSTELL: PART II -- This time it’s the gals who get tortured. Brings new meaning to “piece of ass”.

DEATH AT A FUNERAL – The big summer release from State the Obvious Pictures.

MARTIAN CHILD – The Cusacks together again! John adopts a kid who thinks he’s a Martian. John just assumes he has a rich imagination until he vaporizes his dog.

GRACIE – Elisabth Shue organizes a woman’s soccer team. Say goodnight, Gracie.

THE REAL DIRT ON FARMER JOHN – is not a documentary on chicken beaks or whatever gets ground up into Farmer John Dodger Dogs, it’s about agriculture of all things.

BLACK SHEEP – Just check out the poster above. I will see this movie but not wear my wool sweater.

THE SIMPSONS MOVIE – The chance to watch THE SIMPSONS without promos for TILL DEATH. Well worth ten bucks. Twenty even. Could just be what the franchise needs to finally make some money.

HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX – Daniel Radcliffe won’t be naked like he was in the stage production of EQUUS so riding that broom won’t cripple him.

PAPRIKA – Psychedelic anime sci-fi adventure. Best viewed after smoking, er.. “Paprika”.

I KNOW WHO KILLED ME – Lindsay Lohan plays two characters. She's excited. It's her first two dimensional performance. If Lindsay’s in a summer flick then fellow vapid vamp, Mandy Moore can’t be far behind.

LICENSE TO WED – and here she is! Along with Robin Williams playing the wacky whatever. Half the cast from THE OFFICE is in this romantic comedy including John Krasinski, Angela Kinsey, Brian Baumgartner, and Mindy Kaling. Swap Jenna Fischer for Mandy Moore and you may have something.

NO RESERVATIONS – Catherine Zeta-Jones and Aaron Eckhart in the U.S. remake of the German film, MOSTLY MARTHA about a lonely woman who has no life and no friends and must take care of her niece after her sister tragically dies. Not surprising, the German version was billed as a comedy.

TRANSFORMERS – Directed by Michael Bay so the transformers won’t even be convincing as robots.

HAIRSPRAY – Movie version of the musical version of the movie. John Travolta plays a fat 1960’s housewife, reprising his role from BATTLEFIELD EARTH.

1408 – Any screenplay by Scott Alexander & Larry Karaszewski (ED WOOD) of a Stephen King story has a chance of being a real winner. 1408 is a hotel room that becomes every guest’s worst personal nightmare. “We’ll leave the fright on for you.” Based undoubtedly on the 7 Springs motel in Palm Springs.

RESCUE DAWN – Christian Bale and Steve Zahn escape a brutal Laotian POW camp where they are beaten and tortured and fight for their lives in the murderous unforgiving jungle with no hope of rescue. German director, Werner Herzog decides to give comedy a try.

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK & LARRY – Adam Sandler and Kevin James pose as a gay married couple to qualify for domestic partner benefits. Your typical high concept idiotic studio comedy. But the screenplay is by three terrific writers – Barry Fanaro, Alexander Payne, and Jim Taylor so possibly it’s worth seeing. But I’ll let my friends be the canaries I send into this mine shaft.

THE STRANGERS – Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman return home to find three masked strangers who need to terrorize them and use their bathroom.

Tomorrow: my weekly AMERICAN IDOL recap. The movie previews conclude on Thursday.

Summer Movies Preview: Part One

The summer is here… according to Hollywood. So here is your Summer Movies Preview ’07. Over 60 block and not-so-blockbusters featured during the next few days.

SPIDERMAN 3 – Word is not as good as the first two (better known as the “Godfather Phenomenon”). Producers were smart not to change locales and have Spiderman battle his foes in Phoenix.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 3 – I’m still so confused by what happened in PIRATES 2. I just hope Keira Knightley ate more than one celery stalk the entire shoot.

LUCKY YOU – Drew Barrymore “high stakes poker” movie. Been on the shelf for two years – always a good sign. Hollywood’s attempt to ride a zeitgeist that is now over. But at least they’re releasing it. Not so with 1975’s “Backgammon is for Lovers” starring Sally Struthers.

GEORGIA RULE – Once fine actress Jane Fonda now plays over-the-top goofy matriarchs (the Ghost of Signorney Weaver Future). Pair her with Lindsay Lohan (the Ghost of Paris Hilton Past), and thunderously unfunny Dermot Mulroney and you have the summer’s first nail in the coffin of romantic comedies. There's not one single man who will go see this movie unless dragged to the theater.

PARIS, JE T’AIME – LOVE ACTUALLY meets AMELIE meet GRINDHOUSE. 83 different sequences from 18 segments by different directors. Confused yet? And you have to read to understand what they’re saying.

WAITRESS – Supposed to be great. The Sundance darling. Keri Russell in this indie comedy with a tragic backstory. The writer/director, Adrienne Shelly was murdered shortly after completing this film. I hope it’s the hit of the summer.

BUG – Ashley Judd in terror for the three billionth time. This time it’s bugs in a motel room. Get her already!!

EVEN MONEY – Kim Basinger. CGI required to make her appear even slightly tolerable.

THE EX – Zach Braff and Jason Bateman in a black comedy described as a cross between ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT and SCRUBS. Also stars Amanda Peet so it’s a cross between those two TV shows and STUDIO 60.

THE WENDELL BAKER STORY – Written and directed by Luke Wilson. Satisfies the studios need for the obligatory “Ex-con saves a retirement community” comedy.

28 WEEKS LATER – sequel to 28 DAYS LATER. Plans underway for 28 YEARS LATER. Tentative release date: June 4, 2035, a week before SHREK 38.

DELTA FARCE – Larry the Cable Guy joins the Iraq War. Yes, someone actually greenlit this.

SEVERANCE – DELIVERANCE at a corporate retreat in the mountains. Young cocky executives stalked and chopped up. My guess is you’ll be rooting for the stalker.

BROOKLYN RULES – Alec Baldwin as a notorious mobster leaving rude uncalled-for phone messages to mob rivals.

A MIGHTY HEART – Angelina Jolie in a drama that could restore her to fine actress and not just home wrecker.

OCEANS THIRTEEN – Major Hollywood stars having great fun while the audience has none. Ellen Barkin is in this one. After her huge divorce settlement maybe OCEANS FOURTEEN should be the story of robbing her.

LIVING FREE OR DIE HARD – And the endless sequels continue. Bruce Willis thwarts terrorists at the Motion Picture Country Home.

RATATOUILLE – Pixar and the writer/director of THE INCREDIBLES, Brad Bird. I will be first in line.

SHREK 3 – Substitute “Rocky” for “Shrek”. Or "Police Academy". Or "Big Mama's House".

YOU KILL ME – Ben Kingsley as a hitman with an alcohol problem. I’d hate to be the bartender who has to tell him he’s had enough. Directed by John Dahl, a very talented and underrated director. Could be very promising. Also features Tea Leoni still trying to desperately salvage her career after SPANGLISH.

Tomorrow: Part two... including THE SIMPSONS MOVIE, HARRY POTTER, and THE REAL DIRT ON FARMER JOHN.

Goodbye Radar music video

I just came across this, a bizarre music video of GOODBYE RADAR, the last episode of MASH my partner, David Isaacs and I wrote. I must say I always saw Radar's departure as a potential music video but I always pictured him entering a comic book. Oh well. This works too. Enjoy.

TNT is in trouble

TNT has a potential programming problem. If Fred Thompson decides to campaign for president this summer they have a tough choice to make. Thompson is a mainstay on LAW & ORDER, a show that TNT runs 23 hours a day. With equal time laws they must offer every other candidate equal air time or stop airing his episodes thus reducing their inventory to the Juice Man infomercials. Oh, if only the NBA playoffs lasted till October instead of merely June.

The alternative is to air the shows other candidates have starred in. Hillary Clinton played Screech’s mom for several seasons of SAVED BY THE BELL but fans will concede those weren’t the great years. Congressman Tom Tancredo was a contestant on THE CELEBRITY FIT CLUB but left after only a couple of episodes following an altercation with fellow dieter, Bizarre.

Who can forget Rudolph Giuliani as the neigborhood crank on BECKER? Or Joe Biden tripping the light fantastic with Paulina Porizkova on DANCING WITH THE STARS?

Does TNT really want to show all the never aired episodes of EMILY’S REASONS WHY NOT just because Mitt Romney played Heather Graham’s love interest? And what kind of numbers could they draw reprising WHO’S YOUR DADDY hosted by Wesley Clark?

Al Gore was on the popular SURVIVOR: PEARL ISLAND but was voted off week two because his tribe mates just got so sick of hearing about the environment. Barack Obama recurs in flashbacks on LOST as the brother Kate never talks about but those appearances are sporadic. And John McCain lasted only three weeks on ALL MY CHILDREN after his character was killed for sleeping with Babe, Di, Colby, Brooke, Erica, Krystal, Myrtle, and Opal.

But there is some hope for TNT. Considering the amount of residuals Fred Thompson would lose by having his L&O episodes preempted he may realize that even if he won and became president of the United States he’d still be taking way too big a pay cut. His agents (always looking at the “big picture”) are working feverishly to get him to drop out of the race.

Coming Monday: My gala Summer Movies Preview

Anti-pornography film

This is a 1965 anti-pornography film narrated by local Los Angeles newscaster, George Putnam. He was the inspiration for Ted Baxter. Looking back, he was obviously right. We all have been horribly corrupted. Oh, if only we had seen this film before it was too late.

Free Paris! Free Paris!

Now HERE'S a reality show I want to see -- Paris Hilton has been ordered to spend 45 days in jail for violating probation.

I'm sure she'll be welcomed with open arms by the other inmates.

Bet she wishes she were Nicole Richie. She could then slip between the bars.

Any thoughts???

the D.C. Madam defense trial

The D.C. Madam, Deborah Jeane Palfrey, believes that by outing her clients they will rally to her defense. Interesting logic.

INT. COURTROOM - DAY

A lawyer is questioning a witness.

LAWYER
Now senator, just tell us what happened on the night –

SENATOR
Day. It was my lunch hour.

LAWYER
On the day in question.

SENATOR
First let me state that there was no sex involved. I merely received a massage.

LAWYER
From who, senator?

SENATOR
(pointing) That young lady, there. Erotica.

LAWYER
The court will note the senator is pointing to the young lady in hot pants, leather boots, nurses cap, chewing gum.

SENATOR
That’s a licensed nurse’s hat.

LAWYER
Duly noted. So how did you find her?

SENATOR
Lovely. Just look at her.

LAWYER
No. How did you procure her, senator?

SENATOR
Oh. I was looking for massage therapists in the yellow pages and just selected her at random. 1-800-RUB-MEE.

LAWYER
And she came to your office?

SENATOR
No. The office is a little small. I’m a junior senator. But that day I was house-sitting a friend’s condo.

LAWYER
He was out of town.

SENATOR
Working late.

LAWYER
Go on.

SENATOR
We met at noon and both took off our clothes.

LAWYER
The masseuse too?

SENATOR
She didn’t want me to feel self-conscious.

LAWYER
You didn’t find that unprofessional?

SENATOR
I did and asked her to please keep on the hat.

LAWYER
I assume she brought her own massage table.

SENATOR
Actually, in her rush to be on time she said she forgot it.

LAWYER
So what did you use?

SENATOR
Fortunately, there was a bed in the condo.

LAWYER
She then began the massage.

SENATOR
Well, not right away. We had a glass of wine first.

LAWYER
Why, senator?

SENATOR
She said I seemed tense.

LAWYER
Isn’t that what the massage was for?

SENATOR
I asked that too and she said if I didn’t shut up she would consider me a bad boy and punish me.

LAWYER
Which you didn’t want.

SENATOR
We’re talking Monday, the 12th? No. All I could afford that day was the massage.

LAWYER
Did she actually give you the massage?

SENATOR
Yes. She performed it. But no sex. Legally, as long as I am on my stomach we are both allowed to be naked. And remember, technically she wasn’t – the hat and all.

LAWYER
So describe the massage for this court.

SENATOR
First she started working on my pecs and chest.

LAWYER
I thought you were on your stomach.

SENATOR
I was. At all times.

LAWYER
Then where was she?

SENATOR
Under me.

LAWYER
And you didn’t find this unusual?

SENATOR
I told you. I couldn’t afford to speak up.

LAWYER
And how long did this go on for?

SENATOR
Three minutes the first time, and twelve minutes the second.

LAWYER
I see. And now you no longer employ Ms… uh… Erotica.

SENATOR
No. Not since the shocking charges.

LAWYER
And what do you do now for massages?

SENATOR
I’ve begun going to Margaritaville, who – before you get any ideas – is a licensed practitioner of the full body Belize massage method. And unlike Erotica, is very thorough. I’ve used her six times. Not once did she forget the hammock.

LAWYER
No further questions, Your Honor.

SENATOR
I appreciate this opportunity to set the record straight. And I’m sure the other 985 witnesses feel the same way.

THE (HAPPY) END

Thanks for the memories

For you non-AMERICAN IDOL fans, here is what I was going to post today before being so moved by last night’s results show that I fast forwarded through.

Some quick miscellaneous blurbs….

This is the worst headline I’ve seen recently, after the Angels beat Kansas City on Monday night –

Royals To Get A Taste Of Angels' Colon

If you’re writing a 30 ROCK spec, still include Alec Baldwin whether he’s still on the show or not. Just don’t introduce the character of his daughter.

And finally, here’s my favorite Bob Hope story, told by one of his writers. Bob was once in Tel Aviv. It was a night off so he and his staff went to an Israeli comedy club. One comic, speaking only in Hebrew, was killing. Even Bob was laughing. One of his confused writers turned to him and said, “Bob, you speak Hebrew?” to which he replied, “Nah, but I trust these people.”

And for those measley 30,000,000 folks who do watch AMERICAN IDOL...

AMERICAN IDOL results show and pimp parade

This is a typical AMERICAN IDOL results show:

Give to our charity!
Enter the song writing contest!
Buy our itunes!
Check out our website!
Watch our Ford commercials again!
Enter our Challenge contest!
Download our videos!
Buy tickets to our tour!
Enroll in our camp!
Get our Season 6 CD!
Drink Coca Cola!
Visit the Idol store!
Watch us next week!

And along the way… watch more footage from Africa, suffer through “highlights” of last week’s interminable results show, endure Ryan Seacrest’s Neanderthal-on-the-street interviews at Farmer’s Market, wade through highlights of the previous night’s show, mist up over sappy loser journey videos (Oh, that precious moment when they were once in the same room as Bono), and sit through Randy and Paula answering simple questions and setting American literacy back ten years.

The AMERICAN IDOLS Results show is the only program where you fast forward through the show and watch the commercials.

But this week two contestants were sent home so the actual entertainment portion of the one hour show was doubled to four minutes. It also meant Ryan wasn’t able to plug the exciting new AMERICAN IDOL WAR ON TERRORISM that will begin right after the summer tour and just before Sanjaya replaces Rosie O’Donnell on THE VIEW.

At least this week they brought back Antonella and not Bush. And they dispensed with the horrible group singing number that always sounded like the finale of the Country Bear Jamboree stage show at Disneyland.

Musical acts included the completely random Robin Thicke (whose voice was so high garage doors all over America were going up) and Bon Jovi who surprise, surprise – got to plug his latest tour.

Very little suspense with Chris and Phil being voted off. Both seemed to know it and handled their dismissals with class and humility. If Phil had Bon Jovi’s hair he’d be a finalist. Chris was dressed in fatigue green so he’s ready to hunt down terrorists as AMERICAN IDOL doesn’t just GIVE BACK they also TAKE BACK!

Now we’re down to four. Melinda, Jordin, LaKisha, and Blake. Anything can happen although 99% of the time on Wednesday nights nothing happens.

AMERICAN IDOL: Rock Week

Despite the fact that Jon Bon Jovi has sold 120,000,000 albums, Simon Cowell apparently was unfamiliar with him. So were a number of the contestants. And that’s all you have to know about ROCK N’ ROLL – AMERICAN IDOL style. It might as well have been Klezmer night.

I’m sure Simon longed for the days when REAL rock stars like Peter Noone and Barry Manilow served as the guest mentors.

For his part, I thought Jon Bon Jovi gave the best advice all season, even better than Diana Ross advising the kids to start getting face work done now.

So last week’s Cheeseathon brought in $70 million between donations and corporate sponsors. I’m thrilled that number was so high, but of the $70 mil only $5 was from News Corp. What a magnanimous gesture. Especially since News Corp. probably made another $40 million selling advertising for the two nights.

Great seeing Antonella Barba and George Bush on the same show.

The program Mr. Bush really should appear on is SO YOU THINK YOU’RE SMARTER THAN A FIFTH GRADER?

Phil Stacey looks enough like Frankenstein without having that microphone cord wrap around the back of his head. Randy thought he gave his best performance. Paula was just excited she didn’t look like a seal in those white pants. And Simon didn’t like the song selection. Unfortunately Bon Jovi never did any cover versions from OLIVER.

Usually, they put the weakest performance number two and this week was no exception. Jordin Sparks was the happy, perky rocker chick. Her look and song felt a little “dress up”. Still, I think she’s safe because this week’s vote total will be combined with last week’s when she wowed America singing a selection from Simon’s favorite hard rock composers, Rogers & Hammerstein.

Don’t you wish Sanjaya were still around for Bon Jovi night??? Flitting about the stage singing “Bad Medicine”. “I got a dirty down addiction/It doesn't leave a track/I got a jone for your affection/Like a monkey on my back.” The tweeners would LOVE it!!

This week’s knife in the heart moments: Jordin telling Jon Bon Jovi that her mother grew up on him. That’s what every fading rock star wants to hear. And Ryan saying to offed-contestant Gina, “Rock week. This must be KILLING you.” Add another seven years onto that therapy, Gina.

LaKisha looked like she was wearing a Houston Astros rainbow road uniform from 1972. What was with that huge red stripe? However, she gave one of her best performances after several disappointing weeks. Was it the judges’ comments that turned her around? No. I like to think it’s because she saw Kimberley Locke on the CELEBRITY FIT CLUB.

Simon kissing LaKisha was a great moment. Ryan was so jealous.

I liked Blake with the dark hair. He looked like a young Charles Grodin. And finally he tossed away the argyle sweaters and went back to his strength – doing bizarre totally original versions of songs that today seem fresh and hip and in five years will look ridiculous. But this night he shined. And I’ll never be able to sing “You Give Love a Bad Name” again without lapsing into Daffy Duck.

Chris Richardson’s idea of taking a risk is singing through his mouth. He’s awful. He will need more than a charity to keep him on after this week.

And Melinda continues to prove she can sing anything. She got the pimp spot this week and delivered big time. The judges compared her to Tina Turner. I agree. She was so dead-on for Tina Turner that if I were Melinda I’d get a restraining order on Ike just to play it safe.

Two finalists get voted off tonight. After last week’s staged sacrifice of Jordin (nice of the producers to do that to the one 17 year old contestant… on their celebration of humanity night) I’m sure her fans will be out in full force. Chris is toast. Probably Phil. But maybe LaKisha. I sure hope not. I’d hate to see her on that big CELEBRITY FIT CLUB scale with Ant making bitchy jokes and Rosie O’Donnell yelling, “You go girl!”